[Important Note: Spike is in his late teens now]
If you love someone, you let them go. Even if that means dealing with the pain of forgetting and being forgotten.
In the shady nooks of the dark downtown Ponyville slums, a peculiar shop opens. They promise great things. Greatly terrifying things. With a simple spell and a strict procedure, they can completely erase somepony from the mind of their client - taking the ache out of their hearts.
Spike thought it was just a rumor, until Rarity passes him one day and claims she's never met him before in her life.
[Based on the wonderfully sad and thought-provoking movie 'The Eternal Sunshine of A Spotless Mind']
Chapters (1)
Goddamn you, Twilight!
3548583
Whoops.
3548600 Nice to see you writing again my friend
3548607 I'm glad to! I'd like to keep it up.
You actually inspired me to write a story, since you're constantly writing nice stories.
3548614
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lgjxq29Pcg1qafrh6.gif
3548633 Dang, Patrick is sooo sexy in that gif.
3548638
Hey speaking of stories did you check out my newest one?
3548710 I had been planning on reading it when i got the time. I have it now, so off I go!
3548720
Good luck
3548744 Very nice!
Alright, Miss Velvet, I have an input. I like where this is going, and I could enjoy reading it. I have my doubts, however, as to whether it will reach my standards of quality (because I'm a jerk who only tolerates the highest quality, AKA my username). If you don't mind, I'll be leaving a "little bit" of constructive criticism. Here we go.
* I like the detail you're using. You aren't boring me to death, and you're not giving me a vague idea.
* I dislike the occasional punctuation slip. Make sure to give your chapters a once-over before an upload.
* I've not read any Rarity-Spike shipping before (or much shipping in general), so I won't comment on the romantic aspect relative to my standard. Just make me feel emotion, which I am normally so devoid of.
* I like reading more at one time. Two thousand words at minimum to a chapter makes it feel more thick. I like them (the stories I read) thick.
Best of luck having success with this venture.
3548808 Thank you! I always appreciate some good constructive criticism.
I am fully intending on making future chapters longer and 'thicker', as you say. As for punctuation, I shall check it over when I have time.
While I'm not usually into Sparity I'm curious to see where this goes.
3548896 Well, I hope I don't disappoint then.
Alright, I'll bite.
+Loving the premise. Fits really well with these characters.
+You detail things in a way that doesn't bore me and also doesn't leave me not knowing something. Keep that up.
-Spike sounds a mite older than he's supposed to be. It's not a bad idea to make him more articulate than others his age, because he lives in a library (with Twilight of all ponies!), but try not to tread too closely to the out-of-character line. Spike is really often and really easily butchered in terms of character.
-Make sure to go over your story once or twice when you've pasted what you have into the in-site editor. Even if you've went over it a million bajillion times before hand, it never hurts to check. There are a couple of grammar and punctuation errors. (If you want to cut the guess work out, find a beta reader.)
Aside from that, I've got nothing. Too little shown to make any huge judgements. Keep it up.
Comma after 'Spike'
You have a space on only one side of the first EM dash but on both for the second.
You have a single quotation mark after 'goodbye'.
Again, spaces on both sides of the first EM dash and only one side of the second.
You only has a single dash in the EM dash.
Missed a space
Comma after 'memory'
Just a few things I noticed and thought I would point out.
I saw the name and was like "WAIT!" Then I saw I was right about what you based this on. Great movie. And despite that I have seen the movie, I am still intrigued. Not my favorite ship (only the second Sparity fic I remember reading (the other was one I edited)), but I like it. Good choice with the first-person, too. I also think these characters fit the story great and can't wait for more.
3551904 Thank you very much, I am glad you enjoyed it!
I was a bit concerned that Spike would come off as a little too articulate for his age, even if he lived in a library. In your honest opinion, would it help keep Spike in-character if his verbal dialogue was less descriptive and astute?
He may describe the sunset beautifully, and then go: "Yo, Twi. Where are the sandwiches?"
I'll keep the editor thing in mind as well. Thank you ever so much again!
3551974 Wonderful, thank you so much for providing examples. It is always so difficult to point out your own errors, even if you read it over and over, so this will come in handy.
I'm glad you're enjoying it.
3552093
I agree, which is why I am always happy to point stuff out when I have time. If you end up needing an editor, I would be more than happy to help.
3552127 Really? I have always wanted an editor, but my requests on popular forums around here always went ignored.
Consider yourself hired!
Be prepared.
3552164
Just PM me when you are ready for me to get on the next chapter (do you happen to use GDocs?).
Woohoo! If only getting an actual job was this easy.
3552213 If only.
And I do indeed! A new chapter may take quite some time, as my schedule is generally hectic this time of year.
3552226
'Scool. Holiday season. Understandable. Main problem GDocs gives me is when I convert it it likes to delete partial paragraphs. And adds odd spacing in place of indents.
3552257
Really? How odd...
Small, slightly insignificant thingy I just noticed as I added this to a group: in the character tags, you tagged Twilight. Shouldn't you have tagged Twilicorn, since she is an Alicorn in this?
3552484 Ah yes, good catch.
why do i readthis and my gut twists in agony at it. I just hope something good comes of it that or spike goes pissed and leaves twilight for good... either one makes sense.
This story...has potential. Right now it's nothing special, but it could very easily turn into something grand.
So I'll keep an eye on it...for now.
In the meantime, I saw the other commenters' remarks about Spike in this story, so let me throw in my two cents.
Without knowing that Spike is the narrator, reading the first couple of paragraphs put the impression of a sophisticated, British-Accent person in my head. Doesn't really fit Spike as you imagine, even for being in a library. Sure he might have a bigger vocabulary but that wouldn't make his descriptions so...poetic. I suppose it's not much of an issue since it's only for his inner monologues and not his dialogue, but it's still something you might want to watch.
Alternatively, the Spike in your story could be an older version of himself, probably in his teens or something. But that's up to you I suppose.
3554710 Nothing good will happen. I assure you.
3555125 Thanks?
I suppose I should take that as a compliment, but since I have neither impressed nor disappointed you thus far, I'll just have to see.
Yes, Spike is a teen in my story. That's what I've decided.
God damn it! You beat me to this crossover.
So the way I see it, we can either duel, or...
I shut up and follow yours.
I wish you luck, and I'm really looking forward to see how you do this.
3556807
So sorry! I guess great minds think alike. It's up to you what you wish to do.
3559197
I may write something later on. In all honesty, though, I'm just glad there's someone else who knows what "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" is and also thought a crossover was a great idea.
3563364 Know what it is? I love it!
I'm glad someone else understands!
3563742 It's a great, sad movie. Pity, though. We both know this isn't going to be very happy for either of them.
3570087
Indeed.
WHY WOULD RARITY ASK TWILIGHT TO DO SUCH A THING ???? it would make more sense for spike to have this done, as it's his hopeless crush.
5942366 Fair enough. It was mostly done for the play on words, as well as plot points that would've been revealed later...