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While everypony is growing and building a life, Spike notices that he is still a baby dragon, and will probably be for a long, long time. Not to mention that he had no dreams or expectations for his future, other than a not-so-realistic one: to be with Rarity.
On a desperate attempt to change his life and discover who he really is, a lot of depressing facts are unveiled. Can Spike withstand his fate and what being a dragon implies?
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Write more please.
4523444
I hopefully will do so soon, I was expecting a relply like your's :')
Thank you for encouraging me :D
I like where this is going
Good start; I'll be expecting more. :3
The idea behind story is interesting but this first chapter did very little to draw a potential reader in. Many readers decide whether or not they will continue a story after just the first chapter so you need to have something to make a reader want to return. Your first chapter has one by way of an emotional appeal but even that was not very strong. As for your English a few minor problems here and there but nothing cringe worthy.
Even so I await the next chapter
4527734
Ill keep that in mind, thanks for the advice. :)
4527676 4524197
Thank you guys!
I can't wait for chapter 2!
I'm pretty easily drawn in by Sparity stories that touch on the idea of Spike remaining a young dragon by the time the Mane Six are much older, I've got my eye on this one!
4532970 4532380
Yay, thank you!
4532970 That's the reason I'm staying to
I look forward to chapter 2
There is a way to find balance in anything, greed is no different. However finding it is a whole different story. One wrong step Spike will either have to start from scratch or lose himself to greed forever.
4558215 The other dragons seem to handle their Greed just fine. Maybe instead of running and try to suppress it, which would eventually come back to haunt him, he should get some help from Dragons (not the immature teenage jerks but actual older, wiser adult dragons)
4558293 Maybe, but it'll probably be a while and a few failed attempts before Spike goes to the dragons for help.
4558310 True. But this fic seems promising so I'm willing to wait.
4558310 4558328
The thing is that most dragons are selfish or too greedy, take a look at not only MLP episodes, but also in different movies and series dragons always have huge treasures.
As Darkphantom13 says, if Spike steals too much the greed will be uncontrollable; if he stops stealing from a moment to another, he will get back to baby-stage.
So basically he has to feed the sin without powering it up too much... and that's really fu***** hard.
Okay, let's see here. I'm just going to review this chapter first and then review the second chapter separately.
Since this is your first fic, I do have to applaud your grammar. Mine wasn't the best when I began (That was several years ago, though), so it is good to see that. The only thing you need to look over is your use of commas and periods. Some sentences should have warranted periods, other commas, and some places did need commas. Also, you use way too many run-on sentences. Try and break them up.
I'll use this as an example:
The crowd was taken by surprise when a sonic Rainboom split the air. Rainbow Dash, trailing her distincintive rainbow trail, drew her cutie mark in the sky. The pegasus soared with both finess and speed, finishing the image. Finally, with her masterpiece finished, she touched down onto the ground in front of the wonderbolts.
That one sentence is now four. It's also much longer and a tad more descriptive.
Not saying you don't use enough description, but there is a saying, show don't tell.
Sad to say, you tell more then you show.
Another example:
Those could have been scenes of themselves, with dialogue and what not, dragging the chapter's word length out. It'd be more interesting for your audience, else they might just skin it, or skip it all together.
Lastly:
"We wouldn't this is for anything, Fluttershy. I've cleared my schedule for the whole day, so I could come. Afterwards, I could help Applejack with the harvest," Twilight smiled as she landed beside Fluttershy.
A little word phrasing helped. Also, notice how I added a comma before Fluttershy? A comma means for a pause in some instances and its best to always put a comma before a name, if the name is the last word in a sentence.
The "I've" felt like the beginning of a sentence, so it warranted me to change the previous comma into a period. Remember, beware run-on sentences. Break them up as soon as you spot them, unless there is no other way. (It's okay to use a few, but only a few a chapter and only if they work better as such.)
Lastly, add a comma at the end of the dialogue.
"Thanks," she smiled.
(That's how it works.)
I'm sorry if this is a bit harsh of a review and that I'm not critiquing the story, but we've only have gotten a sample of what's to come so far. It's a good sample though. It does lend up to the overall story and what not.
Final sum up:
Your characterization is spot on. There's nothing wrong with how you're writing the characters.
You need to learn to show don't tell. Have some more dialogue, some scenes showing the events take place, some nice character interactions. All that can improve the story dramatically.
The thing you need to work on is your sentence structure. How to use your commas and periods. Though, given how you said you're not a native speaker, I'm impressed with the grammar. There isn't any awkward phrasing or misspellings. Just work on your sentences and you'll be good.
4599059
Thanks a lot for the critique, I don't know if I'll be able to spot those run-on sentences but I will try.
And by the way, I'll steal that Rainbow Dash sentence
Hope you don't mind
Hmmm, this chapter was better. It seems to flow a little more smoothly and there aren't that many scenes that would benefit from 'show don't tell'. (A few, but nothing major.)
The only part that got me was the fact that Celestia wants to send Spike away from his friends to the dragons so he won't have this problem...Even though she fully knew this problem would come about, since he is a dragon...Seems a tad too late for that, Princess.
4599144 A good way to spot a run-on sentence is to read it to yourself. If it sounds like it ended anywhere, or goes on for too long in your opinion, change it.
Also, go ahead. I don't mind.
4600475
I'm glad you liked the second chapter more! I just hope I can keep it up in the following ones :)
And yeah, too late, Princess :P
great chapter, really great.
4623674
Thank you!
luna, it's no children that's the problem, it's longevity and societal acceptance... especially with being (for lack of better term) a mutant himself, making him possibly be rejected from draconic societies as well...
PS sorry, it's just on my mind at the moment
I didn't understand Spike's logic why did he go to the castle if getting away was his intention? It seems counter productive even if he was worried about what the princess might say shouldn't he have just gotten on the train?
I'm asking with the hope you can clarify his actions.
I confuse
4624772
The way I see it it's like a kid who runs away. Deep down they want to be caught, they want to know someone is looking for them.
4625592
Oh ok that makes more sense thank you for the clarification.
4626397
The thing is that he didn't want to see Rarity, but he wanted Celestia to keep the talk for herself.
He didn't want to see Celestia either, but it was important for him to keep his quest secret.
4625592
That too :)
4624513
(like)
4624798
About?
Great story! Keep up the good work, bro.
But I have a feeling Discord( being the god of chaos) knows where Spike is. Only time will tell...
4635243
I didn't think about that :O ! Thanks!
Half of Twi's journey, half of Fluttershy's trip, and a little of Spike.
Skip them and write about Spike. It is a Spike story after all
we are here to read about spike, give us more.
Half twi, half shy, and a teaser of spike.
Ok... So right now I have two votes for Spike only and two for a little of everyone, so I guess I'll wait for another comment or two
Twilight, and if you wanted to, Fluttershy's journey. Seeing as they might both have little adventures of their own, it'd be interesting. That and it probably would give Twilight more fuel to get peeved at Spike about.
I mean, she tracked through dangerous dragon country to find him only to discover him back home safe and sound? Other than Spike, pretty much every dragon she's encountered has tried to eat her. Spike does deserve a little flank chewing for this stunt of his.
4769695
You're damn right! Thanks again for your time.
DAMMIT, SPIKE! DAMMIT! You are one thief now! No, Spike! No!
This story is pretty hard to understand, in both grammar and plot, also Spike seems to be swinging back and forth between two different value systems and personalities here....
4851172
I'll keep that in mind, maybe I can improve that
Below is constructive criticism. Please don't take offense.
I...I don't know where your going with any of this...just, Why? Why does Spike have to steal things. Why does Celestia not use magic to send the letter? What was with the half a chapter of Spike in a random town doing nothing but stealing things?
This story doesn't flow. It is a really good theme but most things in this story seem like a child's idea. It just doesn't make sense. Now don't get me wrong I like this story but, your putting a lot of things that don't logically fit for what looks like plot convenience. I don't know what to say to try and help you because it's hard to tell what your really trying to do.
4978124
Well, to answer some of the questions:
Celestia can't just send the letters with magic. The bridge between Twilight and Celestia is Spike, and he is missing, so they have to use normal mail.
Spike is stealing because he wants to get bigger and stop being seen as a baby. Knowing that greed makes him grow, he decided to steal.
And it had to be in a 'random town' because he didn't want to call attention or be recognized.
Hope this helps a little. Maybe everything will be clearer in a few chapters
4978168 Yes I thought you would say the bridge thing. And my question back is, Who set up the bridge between them? Whose power was used to set up the spell that let's Spike send messages with his fire?
Secondly Spike doesn't have to steal to be greedy, he just has to be greedy. Yes I know in the show he was greedy by stealing but that was because he was out of control and pretty much had never been given something before. In this story he's much older and is in control so he should be able to think of something smarter than petty theft. Right? Do you understand or am I ranting and making no sense? That happens sometimes.
And lastly The town is nothing to the plot unless Spike steals from it, and he shouldn't have to steal from it.
4978192
I explained the bridge thing in the conversation between Spike and Celestia.
My explanation was that to save him, Celestia infused her magic in him. The letters and other magic-related abilities of Spike are unique because of that.
And about the greed, you're right, he could control it without stealing, but not right now. I think it would be hurried to just say "Oh, right, seven months passed and Spike now has control of himself" or something like that. I want to put obstacles, temptations and problems that will slow down Spike before he has full control over himself.
4978211
Ok then.
I don't mean spike would have control of the greed like as in he can call upon it at will I meant that he isn't gonna become a raging dragon from getting a cupcake. More as in a bulky strong person controlling his strength so he can hold his infant daughter kind of thing.
I meant that he should be mature enough and intelligent enough to know that even in desperation that 1. You shouldn't steal And 2. There are different ways of being greedy just like there are different ways of being Generous.
4978253
Oooooo, I get you now.
Yeah, the only reason I decided to make Spike steal it's because that's the only kind of greed he has experienced.
Thanks for the feedback
4978311 Yes finally! Understandment! (that is definitely not a word)
And no problem it's not like I gave you a pie or something.