Rarity's life had been shaken up quite a few times- after all, she'd never expected the legend of the Mare in the Moon to be true, much less did she ever expect Nightmare Moon to return to crown herself the new Princess of Equestria, and never in her wildest dreams would she have become the Princess' private secretary. Yet, in a few short years- all of these unlikelihoods and more would come to be.
Just when she thought her life would have no more twists and turns, the Lunar Palace receives a visit from a mysterious alicorn who claims to be a Princess from another world- trying to fix a timeline broken by a vengeful wizard called Starlight- and even though the strange mare left just as quickly as she appeared, the impact on Rarity would be lifelong, as she sets off to right an otherworldly wrong.
This story looks good! I can’t wait to read more!
Despite a few small issues I noticed, this is definitely a good start to your publishing on Fimfiction (assuming this account isn’t an alt). The way the segment with Twilight lined up with the show and how you explained Rarity’s behavior was, in particular, a nice touch. I’m definitely looking forward to reading more of it!
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thank you! i appreciate it!
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nope, not an alt, its my first time posting here! i appreciate it a bunch, i definitely had fun with that segment! hope you enjoy the rest!
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It’s funny, the only reason this story stood out to me originally was that it coincidentally had a similar name and release window as one of mine. I’m glad it caught my attention though, and I wish you the very best of luck on your writing! :)
Oh, and a bit of advice: ignore the likes/dislikes and views. That stuff takes time to build up. Just so long as you enjoy the writing, that’s all that matters.
Great start to your story! I'm guessing the actual romance will be between Rarity and the Twilight native to this timeline. Having Princess Twilight's visit trigger her curiosity is a nice way to go about it. Since the actual couple haven't met you, guessing this will be a slow burn? Good luck, and don't get discouraged writing a long fic; just keep chipping away and it'll eventually get done.
Your prose is pretty solid and there weren't too many grammar mistakes, though I will note that Everfree Forest should have both words capitalized. Characterizations were good, though having Rainbow Dash be the only character that swears when everyone else largely uses show-level language feels off.
Since you're a new RariTwi writer, I'm curious what RariTwi authors on this site you're already familiar with. I can recommend some if you want.
Also, just as a heads up, the font you used for the cover image makes it look like the title is "wagnigng moogn" lol. Art is really good though. You're the artist, I assume. I recommend putting a link to the art as the cover art's source.
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thanks so much for the feedback! i'll keep it in mind in the future! regarding rainbow dash and her swearing habits i thought the same thing as well regarding how it could be rather jarring and decided to keep it in anyway, but its good to know i wasn't imagining it at least haha!
also, yeah, it's probably going to be a longer one- for the reasons you anticipated! i'm looking forward to writing it and just hoping i don't lose steam too quickly along the way, but knowing that others are enjoying it is helping to keep me going
and thanks for the tip abt the cover font, ive been giggling at wagning moogn since you pointed it out it! and i did indeed do the cover art, who knew finding specific to this timeline raritwi art would be difficult (/j, obviously)
ps. always looking for new fic recs, so if you've got any more raritwi fics to recommend i'd enjoy reading them!
thanks again!
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Ooh, is it possible that you haven't read Monochromatic's fics?
https://www.fimfiction.net/user/121767/Monochromatic
https://www.hollowshades.com/ (she now updates only on this site and not on FimFiction)
In particularly, there's her big fic, The Enchanted Library
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/240255/the-enchanted-library
I'll leave it at that for now.
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as a matter of fact i happened to binge this one and its sequel in two or three days, but i never read any of their other works! after you sent this i went a little crazy with them, so thanks for the recs! appreciate it :D
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Glad you liked them! Since you said "sequel" singular, I should mention there's a third story in the TEL series, though it only has a few updates
https://www.hollowshades.com/story/the-enchanted-carousel/
Other good RariTwi writers are
https://www.fimfiction.net/user/158274/Undome+Tinwe
https://www.fimfiction.net/user/5097/Cynewulf
Plus I might as well toot my own horn
And you can see a bunch of fics in the RariTwi Bomb event of 2020
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/873741/the-raritwi-bomb-masterpost
And also plugging the story that turned Mono to RariTwi, though this is the only RariTwi the author wrote
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/133309/the-shadow-of-a-doubt
Quietly in the dark of night through the castle of the Dark Moon pattered the feet of a lost wonderer.
"mu mu mu mommy?'
????
Serves you right!
"Daddy?"
A set of feet trailing a scaly tail topped by a cracked purple spotted egg.
Lost and lonely it scooted along until it bumped into a hoof
A story about one of Starlight's alternate timelines? Oh my... I need more of this.
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thank you! looking forward to writing more
Great chapter! I hadn't considered that Shining Armor would already be important enough for Nightmare Moon to notice. I'm curious how Rarity knows him, outside of him being a prisoner.
Everyone was characterized well, and I notice Rainbow no longer swears so much lol. I liked how Rarity and Sweetie interacted, especially.
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haha yes! i took your advice and cut down on the dashie swearing, definitely less jarring lol. thanks for your comment, i'm glad you enjoyed it! i was especially worried abt writing rarity and sweetie belle since i have no siblings so i had no idea how accurate i could write their relationship so it makes me happy to know it was enjoyable! thanks for commenting, :D
Got to say this is really Good and has gotten me really Hook Good job
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thank you! i appreciate it, hope you stick around for the rest :3
Awesome story. Added to my read list. Great work.
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thank you so much! makes me happy to know people are enjoying what i write even if it’s a bit slow to the point :3 hope you stick around for more!
I love the friendship between Rarity and Rainbow Dash!
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YAY IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME THAT YOU LIKE IT !!
i am absolutely in love with this so far!!! so many of my favourite aspects of the show put together. im excited for the rest!
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ah!! thank you so much, big compliment! the next chapter is gonna be posted in a few days i'm so happy people seem to enjoy it!!
Thank you for the update.
I know Starlight is a very powerful unicorn, but since when do unicorns get called wizards?
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haha np! thank you for reading it
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mostly in cases like starswirl, and sunburst (kinda)! i've sort of interpreted it as unicorns who have made magic/the study of magic their jobs. i figured it was the best way to describe starlight based on the perspective that shes a powerful unicorn and the pov character wouldn't really know much abt her
Nice chapter boss
Hey, I just wanted to let u know that I have been following this fic for a while now (I just recently created an account tho) and I’m absolutely hooked. I also wanted to tell you that there are probably plenty of others like me who are reading but not commenting, so don’t get discouraged. Anyway, I’m rambling, but I hope you continue this fic and I’m excited for the next chapter (although no rush, life gets busy sometimes).