Chapter 1
"And another thing," Pipe Down sneered, "Get the hell off my lawn."
"I just wanted to give you your mail," Derpy stifled a sob.
"The mailbox is right there." Pipe Down pointed with the stem of his pipe.
"Yeah, but you were on your porch," Derpy sighed, "You looked lonely, I thought you could use someone to talk to."
"Nope, no miss." Pipe Down shook his wrinkly head, "Just me and my pipe."
"You sure like your tobacco, Mr. Down," Derpy commented.
"Yes, yes miss I do," Pipe Down exhaled blue smoke and frowned, "Didn't I tell you to get off my lawn?"
"I don't think you did," Derpy answered, "Did you want me to?"
"Yes, yes please," Pipe Down rocked in his chair, "You come back though. I'm always happy to see you."
"Thank you." Derpy smiled.
"Get the hell off my lawn," Pipe Down yelled at her and leaned back into his rocking chair, "Such a nice young mare."
He looked down at the letter in his hoof and began scanning his eyes across the page.
"Who the hell wrote this chicken scratch?" He asked himself and leaned in closer to it.
"Oh," He muttered and put on his reading glasses, "There we go."
Dear Mr. Down,
It has come to our attention that you bear a cutie mark of questionable taste. While we recognize the right of all citizens to freely participate in their pastimes, we can not help but feel reluctant in allowing such a blatantly disgusting cutie mark to be shown to our children. We are certain that you have noticed the growing number of children in your neighborhood, and we think it would be most inappropriate for them to follow such a crude example. We trust that you will do the right thing and have your cutie mark edited by conventional needles and ink.
Sincerely,
The Equestrian Decency Association
"Well, it is a reasonable-" Pipe Down looked down at his cutie mark, "No."
He knocked the dottle out of his pipe and walked across the cherry floors of his house. He sat down at his mahogany writing desk, and pulled out an old fountain pen.
Dear Equestrian Decency Association,
This is the first time in which anypony has brought into question the acceptability of my talent. I will consider editing my cutie mark if in return you send me the head of the pony who wrote such a deplorable letter. I want it delivered by express mail and at your expense. If these terms are unacceptable to you then I freely invite you to shove my letter up your plot. I've had my cutie mark for ninety years, and I'm too old to put up with this.
Sincerely,
Pipe Down
P.S. Since you have taken it upon yourselves to be upholders of decency, would you kindly do something about the children on my lawn?
Pipe Down sat in his rocking chair and smiled. The blue plumes of smoke surrounded him, and he inhaled the deep sweetness of the blended cavendish. He grinned and looked across his property. An endless field of tobacco grew over the hills, and the pinkish hue of the sunrise rose to greet him.
"Hi, Mr. Down," Derpy landed beside him.
Pipe Down pointed to his mail box.
"Here." She placed a letter in his lap. "I thought this would be easier since you were already out here."
"Thank you," Pipe Down grumbled.
"You're welcome," Derpy smiled, "Bye now!"
She flew off, knocking a few tree branches down. Pipe Down shook his head and opened his letter.
Dear Mr. Down,
In light of the knowledge of your current age, we have decided not to press charges for your remarks in your last letter. That being said, your cutie mark is still an issue. We demand that you have it edited as early as possible, and we will not take no for an answer.
Sincerely,
The Equestrian Decency Association
P.S. We have taken the liberty of sending letters to all parents across town, asking them to keep their children off of lawns. The mayor is also complying with this request. Thank you for bringing this to our attention.
Pipe Down laughed at his letter. He looked down at it again, and smiled. He carried it inside and pulled out another sheet of paper.
"So." He patted his writing desk. "Idiots."
Dear Equestrian Decency Association,
In light of your decision to keep children off of my lawn, I have decided to entertain your banality. Pray tell, what would you recommend that I have my cutie mark edited to?
Sincerely,
Pipe Down
P.S My neighbor's rooster woke me up before dawn. This is not decent conduct for a rooster. Perhaps you could send a letter to him as well?
Pipe Down rocked back and forth in his rocking chair, grinning madly as he did so.
"Hiya, Mr. Down." Derpy placed a letter in his lap. "What has you so happy today?"
"Oh, I was just expecting a letter from an idiot today," Pipe Down explained and rubbed his hooves together.
Derpy looked at him, and began crying.
"Not you dear, I meant a different idiot," Pipe Down rushed his words, "Not that you're an idiot. I mean I don't think your an idiot."
Derpy flew away.
"Dang it," Pipe Down spat, "I would feel bad about that if I had any chance of remembering it."
He sighed, tapped out the dottle, and read his letter.
Dear Mr. Down,
We are quite pleased that you have chosen to entertain our polite suggestion. Please find enclosed one drawing.This edit will cause minimal pain and make a cutie mark that children can admire.
Sincerely,
The Equestrian Decency Association
P.S. Your neighbor's rooster has been taken care of.
"Let's see now," Pipe Down muttered and clenched his pipe in his teeth, "Who else should they piss off?"
]Dear Equestrian Decency Association,
Your recommendation for a bubble pipe is quite the hit in my house. I am the only pony in my household with any hangups about it. I took a walk by the editing parlor today to see what it was like. The place was filthy, I tell you. Grime was everywhere, and the owner had piercings all over his face. Please tell him to clean up his act so that I will be able to schedule an edit without the worry of infection.
Sincerely,
Pipe Down
Pipe Down waited for Derpy to arrive. She landed on the dirt path in front of his house, looked up at him, opened the mailbox, placed the letter in, and shut it.
"Ah, hell," Pipe Down tried to talk to her as she flew away, "C'mon young'n. I didn't mean anything-"
Pipe Down sighed and took the letter from his mailbox.
Dear Mr. Down,
We have filled a complaint with the mayor's office and the editing parlor in question will be closed until it can pass inspection. Rest assured, you will be able to show your face in town when this is over. Until then, please find enclosed one decency covering. It may not be fancy, but you can walk without shame for a while.
Sincerely,
The Equestrian Decency Association
"Ok, ok." Pipe Down smiled and dipped his fountain pen into the ink well. "Who will ruin your day now?"
Dear Equestrian Decency Association,
Thank you for the decency covering. I in no way find a square of cloth to be a ridiculous means of ensuring decency. I await my edit patiently. In the meantime, could you do something about that lavender unicorn in the library? She reads much too loud. I can hear her all the way out here some nights.
Sincerely,
Pipe Down
Derpy landed on the dirt road in front of Pipe Down's property. She pulled a letter from her brown bag and began to place it into the mail box. The mail box was gone, and Pipe Down sat in his rocking chair smiling. Derpy frowned and walked over to him.
"I seem to have misplaced my mail box," He commented.
"I can see it," Derpy said flatly, "It's under your porch."
"Well, how did it get there?" Pipe Down kicked a hammer behind him.
"No idea," She muttered, "Here's your stupid letter."
"Letter?" Pipe Down asked, "The last letter should have been the last letter."
"No, everypony is getting a copy of this letter," Derpy replied.
Pipe Down read over the letter and roared in laughter.
"What's funny?" She asked.
"Come inside," He told her, "I've got a few letters you might like."
He placed the last letter beside the others.
Dear Ponyville Citizen,
It has recently come to my attention that an unauthorized group known as the Equestrian Decency Association has been mailing letters to various ponies demanding certain changes on their part. To this date I have discovered resulting from this, one inebriated lost rooster, a town edict demanding all children keep off all grass, a cleanliness law that forbids face piercings, and a ban against reading out loud. Not only are these regulations in direct contradiction to Equestrian law, but they seemed to be created for the express purpose of irritating ponies. Please ignore all letters received from the EDA, and rest knowing that the mayor will not be making this mistake again.
Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
P.S. In the event that you decide to prank ponies, don't use your clubhouse as your address. You know who you are, but more importantly your guardians know.
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This makes me glad I stopped smoking. I dun want people bugging the ever loving shot outta me for something that I decided to do to myself.
3289559
I can understand the sentiment, but it seems that no matter what you do there will always be someone to give you grief over it.
3289567 yea, but at least I'm not bothered by people who tell me to stop
A few typos and whatnot, but overall a very enjoyable fic. Loved the twist at the end.
Dam straight all a man want in old age is his pipe and a lighter the way the lord intended
That was good. Very funny!
3289729
Thanks Carts. I was actually kind of worried about that. Especially with the scenes between Pipe Down and Derpy, I thought he might come across as too mean.
3289732 Eh, not really, just like a typical old man.
My face as I read this:
(around the point that Derpy got pissed off)
Awesome story.
I'm cackling.
Ah, I prefer cavendish as well but I've had fairly good smokes with sun-dried Virginia and Burley blends.
EDIT: And cigs have something in them because now I can't go back to my pipe, dang nab it.
3291685
I like a turkish and virginia blend for my cigarettes and a cavendish and virginia blend for my pipe. But I prefer Dominican tobacco for my cigars.
The whole time I was reading this a phrase repeated in my head;
Think of the children!
3293363
Did it make it that much funnier when you realized that the children were the ones sending the letters?
3293369
Very yes. I especially liked that last bit with the guardians.
I do wonder why they went ahead with the whole 'keep the children off the grass' thing though.
3293467
They were probably worried about their cover being blown.
Uh oh, someponies are in trouble.
Buuuuuuurrrrnnnn. Cutie Mark Crusaders Red Rumps! Now the least Pipe Down could do for poor Ditzy is to give her a muffin and a pat on the head. She deserves no less.
he he he tobacco, great story. I personally do not care for smoking my self but i do not mind if people smoke, as long as its not in places like schools and popular playgrounds
3297677
The porch, the porch is always the place for smoking.
3297870 agreed no one should be allowed to bug you about smoking on your porch,because then if a child wanders into smoke on your lawn its there fault.
3297921
Exactly. I also think more places need a designated smoking area. When I was in the navy we always had a smoke pit just to the side of buildings. That way nonsmokers wouldn't get any second-hand.
3298103 im sure less people would complain about smoking so much if more places had smoke pits for smokers, in fact i saw one at disney land my dad didnt like it because they were smoking -_- i liked the idea on the other hand
3298145
Too many places put their butt cans in front of the entrance. I like smoking, but I don't want to breathe it all over other people.
3298154 i always hated it when i had to walk by people smoking by the parking lot, its annoying how i have to cover my mouth just to go to the store because people are smoking by the sides of buldings and the parking lot and other places
And that's how being stubborn can be a good thing.
Oh that is clever
3335761
Thank you.
This guy... I love this guy...
3354562
I love him as well. Writing a grumpy old jerk with a heart of gold is awesome.
*Grins* Very nice. I confess I feel like I don't know Pipe Down very well though as in spots he came across as mentally ill or simply a victim of memory loss. Still funny.
3452190
He's not all there. But in a way that makes him likable.
3502356 Lel
This reminds me of the time I got into trouble at school for putting up posters featuring a large picture of Terry-Thomas and bearing the legend "BE BIG! BE CLEVER! SMOKE!" Everyone thought it was funny except the jumped-up bureaucrats who run my school.
Hehe that was awesome XD