Someone once said I was passive aggressive. I disagree. I am far too impatient for that. I prefer just being normal aggressive. Don't worry about 'maybe' upsetting me, you will know.
When a familiar unicorn shows up in Ponyville, he has an odd request for the young fashionista. Rarity accepts, but is full of doubts as to if she can do it, and if she can avoid turning into something she despises.
A huge thank you to fferror for proofreading this story.
Page generated in 0.086 seconds
Total duration
676 users online
863,636 hits today, 1,960,719 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Liked and faved. I look forward for more chapters.
Who gave your story a thumbs down? This is great!
You should probably keep an eye on paragraph length. Right now it's okay, but any more than that and your readers might skip lines by accident.
Looking good, I'll be keeping an eye on it.
3245774
It was even worse because the first response I got was a thumbs down, at the same time I got a favorite. I was really confused. @.@
Thanks for the advice on paragraph length, I'll keep an eye on that while I work on the next chapter.
Cheers!
-Lumino
3245827
Yeah, sorry, that down vote was me. The touch screen on my phone tends to get a little wonky on occasion when browsing this site leading to unplanned votes/favs.. Read it now, looks like a good start, especially since you had Rarity realize her problems with Canterlot society. The scene with Spike was also pretty touching.
3247150
Psh, no big deal! Thanks for your comment, I do appreciate it. I feel like Rarity is the type to understand her own flaws, they just get the better of her sometimes. I wonder if knowing about them will stop her from succumbing to them in Canterlot?
Guess we'll find out. :P
Thanks again!
-Lumino
I have a feeling that Rarity will fall back into that mindset of being famous in Canterlot that she is going to forget about her friends.
Or maybe while mentoring Fancy Pants' nephew, she might develop feelings for him and completely forget about Spike's feelings, and worse maybe give Fancy Pants' nephew the fire ruby. 
3249777
While you weren't totally on the money with any of those guesses, you certainly got close with a few of them! I am glad you enjoyed the story and put such thought into it!
Thanks again for your review
-Lumino
3249789 Well, at least I was close with my guesses.
You are very welcome, and looking forward to see what happens in Chapter two. 
Good start but are sure this is a Sparity fic? Spike hasn't told Rarity he loves her and they aren't in any relationship except platonic friendship right now. Plus given the way Rarity is when she's surrouded by the snobby nobility, I wouldn't put it past her to ditch Spike and go after Fancy Pants' nephew instead.
3259534 Hahah! A fair point, but take a quick look over the other stories I have written and ask that question again. :P
I promise you there will be some Sparity in this story. It's not the central element currently, but it will be there. Their relationship not being the central, driving force is also why the story does not have the 'Romance' tag.
Anyway, thanks for the comment! Glad you liked it!
-Lumino
Enjoying this so far; interesting premise.
A few minor typos:
You switched from "their" to "he" for the same unicorn; since his gender is known, use "his" the first time.
That "status" should say "stature".
This sentence seems to be missing something. That "seeming" should perhaps be "seemed", and the "well" doesn't work in the middle of that sentence; did something get lost here?
That comma should be a semicolon or an em-dash.
"Despite" or "In spite of", not "To spite".
That first comma should be a colon or a semicolon, and "their" should be "there".
"quite" is a little awkward there; "more than a little surprised" perhaps?
"low-born" or "lowborn".
"per se", and you want a comma and "he" there, rather than a period and a capital "He".
"half-finished"
Either "Fleur De Lis" or "Fleur Dis Lee". (The latter is the incorrect spelling used in the Gameloft MLP game; the former is the correct spelling. But neither one uses "Fluer".)
"childlike"
This should be one sentence, not three.
"attention-grabbing"
"sugarcube"
Finally managed to finish looking this over. You'll have to forgive me; I had to put this on hold to attend my classes for the day.
In any case, published or not, I promised to look this over and I have, and I'm pleased to say there were no canon issues like you wanted us to keep an eye out for. However, there were a few minor grammar and formatting issues. One fairly consistent one being the use of "then" where it should have been "than." "Manehatten" should be "Manehattan." And there was one instance where you used "agreeing" where it would have been better to use "agreement." As for the formatting:
You don't need to use apostrophes to indicate thoughts, the italics are the only required indication.
Regardless, there really didn't seem to be anything too major. Still, it might be a good idea to look it over one more time. If you'd like, I could look it over again myself sometime tomorrow since it wasn't too long.
Rarity is a unicorn, not a pegasus. (Also, Pegasus as the name of the species isn't capitalized; only the name of its Greek namesake is.)
"Fancy Pants' cutie mark", and that comma should perhaps be a semicolon or em-dash.
"her".
"despite" or "in spite of", not "to spite".
"Fancy Pants' manor house".
"stallion" or "pony", not "man".
That "a" shouldn't be there.
You've got yourself a good story here.
That fainting couch scene was hilarious, and Discord sure wasn't bad, either.
But an important point about dialogue punctuation:
You've broken a few grammar rules here:
1. Dialogue attribution ("she said," or "he said," or "Rarity shouted," or anything like that) doesn't make a separate sentence from the dialogue itself. Only use a period in a piece of dialogue if the it's at the end of the sentence. If the dialogue attribution ("she said," "Rarity shouted," etc.) comes after the dialogue itself, use a comma instead.
2. Speaking of dialogue, don't capitalize the dialogue attribution. It doesn't start a new sentence.
May as well point these out, if we're going to deal with that example:
3. Don't use a comma to combine two complete sentences. That is called a "comma splice." The comma splice is a pet peeve of mine; the semicolon is the correct punctuation to use in that case, and I adore the semicolon for creating elegant chains filled with subtle meaning.
You could also insert a conjunction after the comma, though in this case I don't recommend it. It makes the sentence sound stuffy. (Though, given what this story is, it might be a useful trick for subtle characterization later on.)
Or you could just use two sentences. Here, you should probably do that. These three choices are stylistic, though, and I'm usually uncomfortable advising people on style because I'm tempted to just spray my personal style everywhere.
4. When one addresses a speaker in a sentence, as Rarity does with "darlings," that is called "vocative case." You're supposed to surround a noun in vocative case with commas. This is an example, LuminoZero. LuminoZero, here's another. And this, LuminoZero, is a third.
So:
You've probably made other instances of those errors, but I'm not going to dig through them all. I will say that you do make the first two a lot.
3260114 Yikes! This was certainly a bad case of being careful what you wish for! I asked for critique, and boy did I get it!
I just know the dialogue attribution is gonna cause me problems. I've been doing recreational writing on and off for nearly ten years, and you are the first one to call me on it. It's become such an ingrained part of my style that kicking it to the curb is gonna be a pain. Still, you are correct, and it is something I will have to fix. Also the note on the vocative case was something I was not aware of, never too old to learn something new I suppose. :D
3259973 Don't worry about it, I should probably apologize for being so impatient. It is a flaw of mine, and it came back to bite me pretty hard.
About the thought notation, I am probably not going to alter that. I have seen thoughts done many different ways, and that happens to be the way I am most comfortable with.
3259969>>3259995 Excellent eye! Some of those were things I thought I'd fixed, others were just slip ups that just got by me. Guess that is what I get for being an impatient brat. :P
I really appreciate all three of you taking the time to help my writing improve. It's not an easy job, and I know some authors don't appreciate it, but rest assured that I do. Some really high quality feedback, and a lot of work to go back and take care of.
See you next chapter!
-Lumino
3261289 True; it's more a stylistic decision, I suppose. Feel free to leave it as is. I tend to forget that some things are better left to an author's preferences.
As for your impatience, It really wasn't any trouble for me, honestly. You weren't hostile about it, so I had no real reason to be upset. I'm just glad I managed to get access before it was published, even if I couldn't finish revision before then.
Very patient and dedicated teacher Rarity can be.
Also she is very encouraging.
3272903 And it has only just begun! It'd be a really uneventful thirty days if it ended that quickly though. :P
I wanted to portray that Rarity understands the pain of a creator, as she likely was there herself. When she was just starting out as a designer, not being able to make that one real outfit that set her on her way. That takes patience, and more importantly, dedication.
Thanks for the comment, and I am glad you enjoyed this chapter!
-Lumino
Nice job, Fancy Pants, your lack of diligence costed Rarity a hat
3324559
*Snicker.*
Out of all the comments I was expecting on this chapter, that was not one of them. Props for surprising me!
I hope you enjoyed the chapter;
-Lumino
3324598
?
What, were you expecting a compliment? Getting greedy aren't we
Fine, it was a very nice hat-er, chapter.
Oh goodness, I'm loving this.
MOAR NAO, LUMI!
3381530
Hee hee, thank you very much! I have the first scene of the next chapter written, but I am being distracted by school, Final Fantasy 14 (Not bad after SE pulled their heads out of their collective asses) and general life stuffs, in that order.
This coming chapter is what I would like to call the bridge. It is the connection between what we have now (which I consider to be a really long intro) and the real meat of the story. I am glad you are enjoying it, and I hope you will continue to. :D
-Lumino
tinyurl.com/mbho6go
Oh dear, didn't expect an actual antagonist. I don't know, this development kinda came from the left field and the meeting with Twilight was so sudden I wasn't sure whether it was just a dream or Rarity beating herself up or something.
3461117
Ya know, dedication deserves some recognition. You comment on every chapter I release, and I wanted to say I do appreciate that. Just getting back thoughts like that really means a lot to me.
So, thanks again;
-Lumino
3466414
I appreciate being appreciated
The title is a spoiler!
Do not read if you don't want anything spoiled!
Can you say...
It's a Nightmare within a nightmare!
3504167
Hah! You know, your comments very rarely tell me much about the story, but they always make me laugh. And if you keep coming back to comment, then I guess it means you are seeing things that you like anyway!
Thanks again for being such a dedicated fan;
-Lumino
Oh, I like where you're taking this; very nice approach.
I love how Rarity reacts to this scene with Spike.
I have no words for how incredible this is. I did not see that coming, and the parallel is beautiful.
I laughed so much at this.
Beautifully ended.
3504620
Heh, glad you enjoyed it! Like I said, this is the chapter where we start really digging in. It'll be pretty interesting from here on out, I can promise you that. So much has to happen next chapter, it will probably be a big one.
Such is life though!
Thanks again for all your help;
-Lumino
Another good chapter. After everything they've been through I would hate to see Rarity just dump Spike for Fancy Pants' nephew cause I think that would end up destroying him.
3505032
Glad to see you are still following! Thought I might have lost ya a while ago.
3259534
So, do you believe me that it is a Sparity story now?
Trust me, this isn't the last we've heard of their relationship.
Thanks again for the review, and I am glad that you are enjoying it;
-Lumino
This might be my favourite chapter yet.
3505399
I had a feeling that would be the reaction to this chapter, but I didn't want to sound presumptuous. Maybe it is because things are getting interesting, or maybe it is because Luna makes everything way more awesome.
The world may never know.
Thanks for your review;
-Lumino
3505048 The only times I stop following a fic is if the author starts using cop outs or in the case of Spike fics, the story becomes a 'Shit on Spike' story which i personally hate.
I like the Spike/Hoity connection, and Scarlet Passion seems like she will be a lot of fun.
I'm confused by the ending, did Twilight just send Rarity to the moon? Over a lost necklace?
Okay, so a nightmare about the Nightmare, that makes more sense.
I like the use of the comic arcs.
May I just take a quick moment to say how much I love your transition lines? Seriously, when others just use three asterisks or some dashes, you've got that fancy swiggly X thing. It is a true testament to how you go above and beyond your way as a writer. Thank you.
3779613
You should thank Frission. She introduced me to this particular one for my Spike/Shining Armor Brofic, and I have been using it ever since.
-Lumino
"So, what happened to not being a stranger, hmm?" Twilight asked as she and Rarity walked down the streets of Canterlot. "It feels like it's been three months since I last heard from you."
"Truly? How very odd. I could have sworn I was only going to be in Canterlot for thirty days."
Also, this very line made me recognize the absurdity of pony naming conventions:
Take out the context, and we have a very impressive non-sequitur.
3779622
Expect a message from Ms. Frission within the perceivable future.
As always, Fancy is just awesome.
Hmn, keeping a pregnancy quiet. Makes me wonder if this isn't their first attempt and have had previous ones that miscarried.
I really like Celestia's take on what Princesshood is supposed to be. Twilight is going to do just fine with her as a role model to emulate.
Excellent to see the necklace returned.
Interesting power set for Celestia and Luna, makes me wonder if Twilight has or will develop anything like that. And yikes, that ending.
I really hope Fleur's foal belongs to Fancy pant's and not some other stallion she might have slutted around with. The way Fancy was acting so nervous almost seems to indicate that the foal might not be his.
I'm still wondering, is the foal Fancy's or did Fleur sleep around with other ponies?
Yes, and probably. Fancy Pants and Fleur actually fell in love about a year ago, and lo and behold she's with foal now; seems likely the two are connected. But before that, as Fancy put it, "She still entertained her 'guests' and threw her wild parties".
4157933
Considering that pregnancy runs between 9-11 months, and Fancy has said that he has actually loved Fleur for real for at least two years, I think it's safe to say that the foal in Fleur is definitely Fancy's. Definitely is a pretty permanent way to show that they love each other now---the moment they realize the spark is there and thriving, they basically rut enough to celebrate, and without contraceptives. Boom!! Literally a 1-in-a-million bulls-eye shot. But I have to say, he's definitely a cock shot rifleman there!!
4159400
God, this is like a soap opera. All anyone talks about is who Fleur banged.
-Lumino