Brains, Gentlecolts!

Canterlot is under seige by the undead.
The many ponies of the City are coming face to face with hordes of undead, led by a brave, powerful and handsome necromancer named Norman.
At the centre of all the chaos, Celestia, Luna and Twilight sit in the safety of Canterlot castle, plotting their response to this problem and the best way to sort it all out...

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Zombie is best apocalypse.

Cover Image by ASTROtheH

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 8 )

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Befram

Befram #1 · Dec 21st, 2012 · · ·

That was an entertaining read, poor Norman. Not everyone is cut out to lead the legions of the dead

TrevorLaneRay

TrevorLaneRay #2 · Dec 21st, 2012 · · ·

"Necormancy? How is that even possible?"
Every single necomatic tome ever written...
...three years later with a necromatic army...
and lock him in the vaults, even Sombre couldn't survive <Semicolon ftw?
...will retain a little of their previous memories, for example risen griffons would... <Best to split into separate sentence; run-on...
Norman shouted at the book, "Why won't they work!" <Interrogative, not exclamatory? Maybe use '?!' instead?
"What is this!" Norman had clearly had enough... <Yeah, better with a '?' or at least '?!'.

"What is this!" Norman had clearly had enough, at this point however, it was all getting rather much for the young necromancer.
Usually 'however' would be used to compare between two things; in this case, they're both the same thing. Norman's gettin' flustered.
Probably better rephrased:
"What is this?" Norman had clearly had enough at this point. It was all getting rather much for the young necromancer.

"I came here with a simple dream," He shouted <lower case...
"A dream, to destroy this city, cast down the princesses and create my own Empire..." <-> "A dream to destroy this city, cast down the princesses, and create my own Empire..."

"But my dream has been dashed, by the greatest evil of all!"
While a comma is indeed used to indicate a pause, it's also a separation agent. I'd probably use an ellipsis here, like so...
"But my dream has been dashed... by the greatest evil of all!"

"Politeness...." The ponys voice trailed off
...guard had arrived at the top of the princesses tower <plural possessive = princesses'
"The necromancer has revealed himself, Princess, he stands on a platform <Semicolon after Princess would work wonders.

"Excellent," she said, "Luna, did you hear that?" <Prob'ly better to separate this into two, for better flow.
"I did," she said smiling, "Is it Sombre?" <Same dealio.

Twilight looked at the large cylindrical device, "What is that, Luna?" She asked...
Mmm, prob'ly rephrase:
Twilight looked at the large cylindrical device. "What is that, Luna?" she asked...

Twilight gave Luna a startled look, "What on Equestria is that for."

"Feeling any better, Twilight Sparkle?" She asked dropping the weapon <Better with a comma.. :)
"No," Twilight said simply, she looked ill... <-> "No," Twilight said simply. She looked ill...
...all the ponies I knew in this city, they're all dead now." <Semicolon helps.

Twilight gave Luna a startled look, "What on Equestria is that for."
A comma would only separate narration from dialogue if it describes that dialogue.
Also, Twilight's startled, so "What on Equestria is that for." sounds a bit... flat?
Twilight gave Luna a startled look. "What on Equestria is that for?!"

Same deal here... narration separate from the dialogue if not implicitly describing the dialogue itself. Using commas there is icky.
While body language may be intertwined with their dialogue, it's still separate from their speech.
A smile crept onto Luna's face, "Harpooning," she answered... <-> A smile crept onto Luna's face. "Harpooning," she answered...
Celestia looked shocked, "That was possibly... <-> Celestia, looking chagrined, said, "That was possibly...
Luna nodded, "Even worse, the smell... <-> Nodding, Luna said, "Even worse, the smell...
Celestia rolled her eyes, "We're going to need to rebury them... <-> Celestia rolled her eyes. "We're going to need to rebury them...

All in all, not bad. Great plot. Made me lulz.

AFadingPony

AFadingPony #3 · Dec 21st, 2012 · · ·

1835320
Thank you
He tried his best, alas, it falls to those more versed in the dark arts to destroy Canterlot.
Like Pinkie Pie
1835374
Thank you very much.
I need someone to keep a cap on my massive comma fetish, lest things spin wildly out of control.
In which case, we end up, with a lot of sentences, that look, a bit, like this.
At any rate, I've fixed the majority of the problems outlined.
I am in your debt, friend.

TrevorLaneRay

TrevorLaneRay #4 · Dec 21st, 2012 · · ·

1835499
Ah, but a comma fetish is good, so long as they're well-placed.
Comma = separative pause
Ellipsis = normal pause
Semicolon = separation of two clauses/muffins/ideas within the same sentence. (Best if the separated items are contextually related.)

But yeh got a creative mind, and I can see yeh comin' up with some good story ideas. ^_^

AFadingPony