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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Shit chapter, shit history
Always happy to see another chapter of my favorite Anthro Clopfic!
But Bill would likely have been safer bedding down with Twilight instead of temping the married (and apparently quite horny) princess.
I enjoy it when this story updates, especially when the mares flirt with the guy and Twilight learnz something awkward about her fellow Princesses' sex life. I cant wait for the next one.
The Dirty Look™, we all know it, and all women use it. Never underestimate it
Good lord.
Well, she is the Princess of Love, so I guess I can understand the rationale even if I don't like it...and it is a clopfic...
Poor MC.
Did anyone else notice the name of the brothel?
Whore Spun = Whores Pun = Horse Pun
I can't have been the only one.
Richard has the pussy-blocking abilities of Aono Tsukune, and that's something as Tsukune is god among men at shrugging advances of beautiful girls while fully understanding that they want to fuck him and not being gay.
Was this a subtle Star Wars reference?
4760994
Apparently? It's pretty much accepted fanon that Cadence is a horny devil, and also quite kinky. The whole princess of love probably needs to delve into the subject in detail to understand all forms of it.
What's honestly my favorite thing about this story is that they take such a practical approach to everything. It makes so much sense!
~The Rift Walker
4760900 Bait, this is.
Because you have
Oh.My.Celestia. You just went there. With the whole RWJ thing...XD
I'm kinda surprised Bill didn't just let Cadance have the bed and sleep on the couch. After all, it's only polite to offer a lady the most comfortable arrangements
He was nomming on fluttershys ear during the night, thinking it was the flower innhis dream.
Flippy floppy nibbly noms.
4761352 The real question is, was his offended reaction to the name based on the fact that it was so un-subtle about being a brothel, or the fact that the pun was so painfully bad?
"No, the puns. They're painful."
when I saw that all I could think was:
img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130523033212/wordgirl/images/8/8a/YOURE_GOING_TO_LOVE_ME.gif
Choosing any cookie other than chocolate chip? There's no way hes human, he must be some sort of replicant.
admiralakbar.jpg says IT'S A TRAP!
Are you following the rules that normal horses and ponies have? Orgasm in 30 seconds and the like. That would make him atleast a little bit better at trying to tease them back.
Wow, so many comments
OK, that first one was kinda useless, but oh well, can't please everybody.
4760994
Or maybe the safest option would be to run away and shack up with Fluttershy.
4761175
I did warn in an earlier comment that Cadance is a very naughty pony. She has other reasons, but Bill isn't aware of that yet.
4761352
I am way more proud of that than I rightfully should be.
4761356
In this case, it's to his own detriment, and everyone knows it. Also, I don't think I'm spoiling anything when I say it won't last much longer. I've already dropped in a blog post that this is the halfway point of the story, so yeah... time to do the needful.
4761369
Maybe
4761632
To be honest, I don't feel particularly bound to any fanon interpretations (case in point: Fleur the designer for stallions (implying Fancy Pants is the model)). I've also given Celestia and Luna a bit of a wild streak in their own right.
That's all for now. I'll answer more when I get back from work.
yep open marriage or not that couch looks nice I'm letting her have the bed.
"horomones"... It is missing two "r"s.
4762895 I don't get the pun with the name of the House of Comfort.
Who's a player? He's a player. Loving this more and more
4765043 Yet, he just got played
4762028
Never trust someone with only three favorites
Hmm, just how much pain is required to pass out? His ejaculation was so painful that he passed out.
We're probably talking as painful as limb removal, or breaking several bones all over the body.
Home from work, time for more comment replies...
4760999
I enjoy posting updates and seeing all the comments from satisfied readers
4761004
Just to be clear, we're talking about the one that says, "Choose your next words/actions as if your life depended on it," right?
4761693
And yet, I still manage to end up in almost the same place as the thousands of other HiE protagonists (within the tolerances of a few minor variables).
4762028
I'm actually kinda shocked at the universal (among the readers/commenters) negative reaction to it. Although, obvious drive-by is obvious.
4762274
Yeah, pretty much
4762485 4764298
What, and risk appearing ungrateful? Seeing to the adequate accommodation of her guests is Twilight's responsibility. Bill was assigned to the guest bed, and he isn't exactly the, 'chivalry first' type. Boobs may be good for many things, but automatic dibs on preferred sleeping arrangements isn't one of them. Besides, it's still early morning, and Twilight isn't about to take this development lying down.
4762715
Indeed
4762745
Yes (as if I would give any other answer to a question like that)
4762895
With that avatar/post combo, you've earned yourself a spot at the top of a new reply pile
4762915
That might have been what Bill was afraid of.
iambrony.dget.cc/mlp/gif/flutterninja_gif_by_maximillianveers-d4cy1kx.gif
4762957
To be fair, he's so far managed (mostly) to turn down sexual advances of varying levels of subtlety from an ensemble of very hot and very naked alien beauties in a situation where it would be in his best interests (in more ways than one) to give in to the temptation. There's a distinct possibility that he isn't thinking very clearly.
4763292
Is it ever not?
4764154
A little bit of yes, and a little bit of no. I'm taking a certain degree of license with equine anatomy and biology and using the whole 'aliens from another planet' angle to justify it. It's been pointed out in-story that pretty much all the 'enhancements' seem to work in Bill's favor, so take that for what you will.
4764412
Congratulations You are the first commenter to point out a spelling/grammar mistake that turned out to be an actual mistake on my part. For that, you win the top spot on a new reply post. (Edit: It's actually spelled, "hormones," but you still get credit for catching an error.)
As for the pun, 4761352 has you covered (don't overthink it)
4764983
I've lost count of how many times that exact clip has gone through my mind in the course of writing this fic.
4765043
Pretty much what 4765155 said. With the exception of Twilight, any one of the Princesses' wing feathers has more game than Bill.
4765305
I'm generally skeptical of anyone with a user page that hasn't been filled out.
4766475
In Bill's own words:
Also, he didn't really pass out. There was just a lot of screaming involved.
4766653
I see nothing wrong with his line of thinking
Mind you, I'd still be snarling at them to put on proper clothing.
4766653
s.hswstatic.com/gif/replicants_8.jpg
Definitely a replicant.
4766557 I was going for more 'You have no idea the kinds of pain I can inflict on you with a single, accidental, application of one of my well-cared-for fingernails, imagine what would happen if I was actually angry with you. So please, choose your next words/actions with due thought to how squishy and defenseless you are if I don't happen to find them amusing.'
4766719
Hurray! But my "fix" was a joke - "horrormones". Because hormones are responsible for mood swings.
Thanks for the new chapter. This story's actually the one I enjoy reading the most out of all the others in this site. Clop or not, there's no substitute for good grammar and a compelling plot. It's a shame that this story's already past the halfway mark and is gonna end soon... Unless of course you decide to write a sequel?
As for the chapter itself, it's pretty good, although now I can't stop picturing the Main Character as a hobo, complete with a bindle. I'm actually surprised that nobody's made a hobo comment yet.
Superb! Another installment! Excellent as always. I love the humor in this story and the smugness of Cadence is priceless. I like her plan too, to ease him into it. It's a nice change from other fics and also adds an air of "what will happen next"-itude. I'm eagerly awaiting the next chapter, keep up the great work!
P.S - Your writing is flawless.
4766557
Well, even if we did happen to agree with what was said, it's still incredibly rude.
4769372
No sequel in any stage of planning right now. Although, I did pitch an idea in my April Fool's Day blog post that could possibly become an alternate ending (bonus points for me if I get far enough that I can post it as the 'real' ending on next year's April Fool's Day ).
There's also a few scenes that I wanted to do but don't really fit into the story as I have it planned, so I could write those out as deleted scenes.
You're going straight to Pun Hell, for that one.
Howdy! Kalash93 of WRITE is here with your requested review.
Your story was an interesting experience to read through. My initial expectations were truthfully pretty dim; HiE, anthro self-insert, clopfic with all the usual suspects tagged -- all it needed were some contradictory tags like Slice of Life + Adventure, Dark+/Sad+/Tagedy + Comedy, a Romance tag and a gore tag, and I would have needed a stiff drink before diving in.
My initial impressions were better than I had hoped, owing to the fact that your writing was mechanically sound, with good grammar, spelling, and punctuation, which is usually a sign that a writer at least knows the underpinnings of their craft and put at least a minimum amount of effort into creating the piece. I remained cautious, however, due to the massive number of cliches populating the beginning, such as the protagonist being a massive smartass, all the female characters being sexy, him warranting the personal involvement of the princesses, the mane six being saddled with caring for him, not all of them being thrilled by his presence, there being a lot of flirting, awkwardness ensuing, and so on. This was until the story made it through the end of its third chapter without degenerating into a pornographic quagmire. Giggity.
On the whole, I actually found myself enjoying your story, despite every early indication screaming that it was going to be a derivative clop fest. Your story accomplished two unusual things by both being better than it looked while playing off of my expectations. It’s not often that I review a story which surprises me, let alone be enjoyable.
Deserved praise inbound!
The first thing I have to praise about your fic is how well is plays off of audience expectations. Your fic has such a generic name, premise, and even initial feel, that it puts the reader in a very specific mindset, and entirely on purpose. You do this on purpose, because the story runs on toying with the reader. At first, you give the audience a setup which looks almost exactly what they want, but then you execute it in some unorthodox manner which gives them what they want in a way which presents a logical outcome, but isn’t in the spirit of the expectations. For example, the ponies go around naked, which causes Bill, your protagonist, to react accordingly. The mares, therefore, look for a way to help him relax. And they do this by allowing him to cover himself while behaving normally around him so that he just gets used to how they normally don’t wear clothes. Another example is how the ponies turning anthro allegedly makes them go into something like heat. One would think that it would herald the imminent arrival of lots of contrived sex. However, nothing of the sort happens, because the ponies can deal with their instincts, as would be essential if they ever were to form civilization. An example of you playing expectations straighter is what happens when Twilight Sparkle confronts Bill about him having sex with Rainbow Dash. She seems very serious, and everything sets up the expectation that he made a mistake. But then she says that the sex was marvellously effective at releasing the magic, which creates the expectation that the next logical step is for him to begin experimenting with how to most efficiently expel magic through sexy times with the mares, and that does happen, but with him jerking off as a voyeur -- sexy stuff involving the mares, but not what one would expect. This playing with expectations is what sets your fic apart from others and makes it so engaging. What you are doing is trolling your readers in such a way that they anticipate something happening. Lo and behold, something does transpire. While it’s not what they were looking for, it’s close enough to warrant continuing, because there has to be payoff at some point, as the story continuously hints that there will be. The audience wants to continue, some of them seeking the cloppy payoff they just know has to be in there somewhere, some of them to follow the ongoing trials of the characters, and some of them just to see what comes next, having caught onto the joke and wanting to see what farce befalls them next.
I appreciate the parody in your story. You see, parodies, especially on this site, are not a very common thing, and the few that do pop up are often either over the top mockeries which shout “LOOK AT ME! I’M LIKE ALL THOSE STORIES EXCEPT NOT, EVEN THOUGH I’M GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS AND LOOKING A LOT LIKE THOSE THINGS!! LOOK AT ME. I'M SO FUNNY AND CLEVER FOR POKING FUN AT IT, SO LAUGH. LOL!!!” The other kind of parody seems to forget that it’s a parody and instead heads straight into either deconstruction or being an outright reaction with such an exaggerated sense of seriousness, that they come off as being pointlessly grim ripoffs of whatever inspired them. Both of these lose sight of what a good parody is, and that is a work which follows the conventions of the source material, but lampoons and subverts many of the conventions in a way that points out their silliness while still partaking in them. For example, Blazing Saddles parodies the archetypical Western ending of riding off into the sunset by having the hero go off into the sunset, by driving a station wagon along a switchback road. In that same film, long-winded preachers are parodied by theirs being so long-winded that the townsfolk have a habit of shutting him up. Your story is balanced somewhere between the absurdist and the deconstructive; your narrative and characters play everything so absolutely straight in spite of the ridiculousness of their circumstances that I can only imagine them doing everything with such a straight face, simply because it’s the only way they can avoid cracking up. You are simultaneously parodying HiE stories and clopfics. On the HiE side, the human arrives, only not entirely by accident. Equestria is alien to the protagonist, just as he is very alien to the ponies. All parties want to send the protagonist home, but none of them really want to do the things that entails. Protagonist gets involved with the mane six, but this is more of a curse than a blessing. On the clopfic side, you have the protagonist surrounded by his fetish fuel, and that only makes things awkward. Sex is required to advance the story, but nobody really wants to for a number of reasons. The mares are all in something like heat, but they can deal with it. Constant opportunities for sexiness, but very little happens due to few parties being interested or willing.
Bill, your protagonist is a perfect fit for this kind of story; he goes through the entire story trying to put on a straight face when on the inside he’s constantly making wisecracks. He does what the script says, but he is completely aware of how utterly ridiculous it all is, so he’s just trying to hang on, and not always getting it 100%. And even though he constantly is being driven mad by everything, he gives the impression of enjoying things more than he lets on. This internal monologue is absolutely the best thing about him, because it provides all the characterization we need to understand him. What he says and what he does shows who is he is directly, and you use a lot of that. You also characterize him indirectly with how he doesn’t react or what he doesn’t say or doesn’t think. For example, it’s obvious that he is very freaked out about everything in Equestria. We know that, because you show us directly. In contrast, even though there is little said to spell it out, it is strongly illustrated that Bill has an independent streak and does not like to be a hassle for others. He decides to do his best in his circumstances, and even though it would not have been difficult to stay shut inside his room, he instead insists on going out to do things like socialize and eat. Thanks to his actions establishing this, it was absolutely no surprise that Twilight’s attempts to shepherd and police him annoyed him, but he let it slide for a while to not cause problems. Bill is not a terribly complex lead, but the fact that it is told in first person and you show us a constant stream of his thoughts and feelings more than make up for this. One thing you do well with Bill is make him relatable. He is very much an identifiable everyman trying to cope with a situation gigaparsecs out of his comfort zone, and it shows. He isn’t jumping for joy at the prospect of being in a magic land full of beautiful women who walk around nude. He’s freaked out by all the nudity and absolutely wants to go home. He isn’t thrilled being told that he has to jizz out all the magic before he can go home; he instead laments that he wishes for another quicker, easier, less humiliating option. When exceptionally beautiful mares make passes at him, he doesn’t eat up the attention; he finds it extremely unnerving and intimidating. He is so humorous, because humor is the last defense against the madness that surrounds him. He knows that he is completely powerless and has no idea what to do. He is us if we were suddenly thrust into a situation beyond our wildest dreams – all he can do is try to keep his head above water. He is an entertaining protagonist to follow, if a little bit bland. He is relatable and understandable. Very important is that he adapts and changes throughout the story. He starts out wanting to do nothing but hide in his cocoon. Six chapters later, he is out with Rarity to go g Not a bad character.
You do characters well. Character interactions are well-written and canon characters talk and act like themselves. For example, Rarity and Applejack have very different speaking styles as well as different approaches to the same situations, and this shows in their behavior. Applejack has her canon straightforward way of talking and doing things. She says what she means and she doesn’t hold things back. Rarity can be more subtle, such as when she turns going to get clothes into an extended ordeal for Bill. She doesn’t get things off the rack or make them herself. Rather, she takes him to another mare, Fleur De Lis. The thing is that she knows how Fleur De Lis operates, but chooses to only feed him relevant information piece by piece, such as Fleur specializing in male clothes, and then Fleur’s work requiring some physicality, and then making him understand that he would have to see Fleur again. By the time Bill knows anything, it is always too late for him to back out. The canon characters are done well, but my favorite has to be how you handle Celestia. Celestia has her warm canon personality, but she also has a mischievous nature. For example, she dealt with a certain noble by arranging to be screwed in public. Twilight’s reactions to Celestia’s previously hidden adventures and tastes were hilarious. Celestia certainly enjoys her part in the spectacles which she arranges for the benefit of Bill, perhaps more than she really should. Luna is also an interesting character, playing a trickster mentor of sorts to Bill, teaching him how to better cope with the world while often leaving him with more questions than answers. Something interesting about your character interactions is that they are not always clear cut and not always harmonious. The characters do plenty of bickering, especially when they are very different people, such as Bill and Twiley. Characters also tease each other good-naturedly, just how actual friends do. The dialogue is all very good and engaging, even though it can become a bit much. Another thing you do is you do not allow Bill to consume the story like a black hole. Not everything is about him; he is just one character among many. Although he is the first person protagonist, you never make the mistake of turning him into the center of universe for everyone in the entire story. You remind the reader often that Bill is the alien and the newcomer.
Your writing is mechanically sound. Your punctuation is good. Your grammar is good. Your spelling is good. There are occasional small snags, like forgetting a coma, but the technical side of your story is very good. You could find a proofreader to look over chapters for you prior to release. A thing you can do yourself is wait three days between when you finish a chapter and when you release it. Do not look at it at all for those three days. Then, go back through it three days later while reading it aloud. This will allow your brain some time to rest from the story, which will allow you to look at it better, especially in terms of grammar and punctuation, because one has a tendency to spot more of those in their writing as they back over it later. The reading aloud will make snags more obvious by forcing you to really read and hear what is in the story; technical mistakes show up well, because they don’t sound natural in speech.
You use a lot of humor in your fic. Some of it is pretty hilarious, while some of it falls flat. The humorous edge to your story is something which made it much more enjoyable to read than it would have been otherwise. The funniest parts of your stories come from character interactions, such a Twilight reacting to Celestia talking about her escapades. The very sexual teasing was amusing the first few times, but given how much you use it, the humor has run dry. It also gets aggravating to watch Bill get teased all day long without him ever getting anything from the mares. It almost comes across as mean-spirited and creepy the way he is constantly teased, despite him being plainly very uncomfortable, such as when Cadance is talking to him in chapter nine. I think that you should tag this story as a comedy, because it’s generally lighthearted and humorous. Also, consider putting in a romance tag. Definitely include a slice of life tag.
Criticism Slegehammer Inbound!
A big problem with your story is the clop. You are very big on tease and very short on delivery. You spend your entire story gradually growing anticipation for when clop is going to happen, only for all the cloppy parts to be brief, awkward, and not particularly sexy. If this were not a clopfic, then it would not be a problem. However, considering that the entire premise runs on promises of sex, it’s a major letdown. Considering how many words are consumed by talking all about breasts, bodies, and nakedness, and other sexy stuff, the actual sex is very underwhelming. It’s like going to a restaurant and having the best part of the meal be the free bread rolls. Your style does not suit action well. Your syntax is far too rigid, dominated by lots of x did y sentences. To write good action, including sexy action, you need to more dynamic, descriptive prose. Use participles and compound sentences to describe an action and its results. Compare these two samples.
Notice that the second one, despite describing the same events, is much more dramatic than the first. Notice that the sentences in the second example are longer and more complex due to each one conveying more information about a complete action. Readers tend to process each sentence as its own separate event. In the first example, there are four sentences of a combined total of 24 words. In the second example, there are three sentences, but the total is 39 words. Longer, more complex sentences, author, are better for giving the precise details of a single moment in time. They also hold the attention of readers.
Your story could do with improvement. All stories could gain from improvement. The biggest issue with your fic is the pacing. It is glacial. You are 47K words into the story, and very little has happened. While I have no idea how you have managed to put out nearly fifty thousand words before even ending the first act to your story, but is extremely ponderous. Your story so far seems to rely on arbitrary deadlines to determine when things will happen. This lead to the first part of the fic being all about watching a confused guy waking up in the furry version of the playboy mansion. He’s up and doing things after a couple of chapters, but after that, things seem to stagnate into a kind of monotony.
You need to learn how to prioritize things. The truth is that you are spending far too many words on everything, which creates three issues. Firstly, it slows down the narrative. Secondly, it makes it very difficult to tell what is important and what is trivial. Readers naturally focus on things which the narrative focuses on. Each chapter is pretty long and contains a fair amount of content. And plot points can lie dormant for chapters in this fic, meaning that important information can be quite easily lost and it often feels like the story is put on hold arbitrarily, as if you’re trying to see how long you can stretch it out before it goes stale. Plot points going dormant only to spring up again later wouldn't be a problem if they were linked to the action at hand, always hanging overhead like a particularly passive aggressive cloud. Harry Potter books are pretty long and they cover a fair amount of time through a number of characters. However, Rowling always introduces a main arc early in each book, and everything that happens in the book is somehow related to that central issue. For example, in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, almost every described event links to the issue of the escaped Sirius Black, or somehow sets up for something later which involves him. In your story, you have a lot of plot points go dormant. For example, Princess Cadence comes up, but then drops right out of the narrative. The issue of Bill finding a way home is stretched out far too long. There is talk of getting some clothes, but nothing is done about it for a few chapters. And in the meantime, while those plot threads are left hanging, you describe more faffing about and create even more. You can have overhanging plot threads, but be careful to not lose control of them, and beware putting the narrative on hold.
A lot of content could be cut to the benefit of your story. Your story feels full of filler. It is strangely tolerable filler, thanks to the humor, but it is still filler, due to it just taking up space without doing anything to advance the narrative. Let’s think. Your story is 47,000 words long. Now, what has happened in that time? Bill arrived in Equestria. He got medically tested. They found a way to get him home. Now he is going to Ponyville with the mane six. That is not very much in the way of real plot. What your story does have a lot of, though, is awkwardness thanks to most of the characters being obtuse nudists. The only real plot development apart from those few points is that Bill is gradually getting used to Equestria. You are probably doing this to make later events have more meaning in the context of the story. However, you are way overdoing it. A big word count doesn't make investment. What makes investment is meaningful interaction, and despite your heavy focus on dialogue*, you have not built investment in the characters and their relationships. This is because there is nothing at stake. You’re writing a story without conflict.
Lack of conflict is a serious issue. This is because the conflict is what makes a story. You have no conflict, because your characters are not wanting anything; they’re waiting around for things to happen. They aren’t making things happen. Your story has a distressing habit of putting everything on a timer and coming back to it later. Cadance will show up, later. We’ll tell you what’s going on, later. Bill will see Luna, later. The protagonist will get home, later. I commend you for not losing track of what your story is supposed to be about, but the initial conflict question of how to get home has been solved for some time now. There needs to be a new arc with something new at stake, something that the characters care about, something they’ll have to fight for, something they’ll need to do. An interesting possibility is that Bill ends up coming to care for Equestrian and has to make a long, hard decision about whether to return home. Perhaps he gets involved in the daily antics and adventures of the ponies? Maybe he travels through Equestria and takes in the sights with the mane six as the day of his departure gradually inches closer, complicated by his growing entanglements with the world and the ponies? Or you could not use those ideas and instead make an exploration of polyamory and romantic ethics. Whatever you do, don’t dawdle.
Summary
Your writing skills are good. You use good spelling, punctuation, and grammar. You can write characters and dialogue well, and give each character their own distinct voice. You seem to understand your audience and know how to manage and play off of their expectations. You could use some work with writing action scenes. The only real problem I have is that the story is 47 thousand words in, and yet it’s going nowhere on account of there being no conflict or direction, and the whole thing is overinflated with far too much filler. You are an alright writer. Keep on writing, continue to practice, and heed feedback, and you shall get better. Your story is far from perfect, but it was a nice and unexpected read which earned a thumb up from me.
You earn 6/10 flutteryays, which means that your story is okay with a bit of extra spark in it. 5 is average.
i606.photobucket.com/albums/tt146/mortablunt/WRITEReviewerLogo1_zpsbcabf6df.png
Kalash93, WRITE's tame pseudorussian.
4836667
Thank you for your extensive and thoughtful review. It came a lot quicker than I expected, so that's also a plus.
Having read through it, I thought about it for a while, slept on it, read it again, and now I'd like to say a few things (If you don't mind, that is).
First, it's good to know that, on the whole, I'm accomplishing exactly what I set out to do: entertain the reader by giving them what they might say they want, but not necessarily in the way they expect (The reader expects anthro ponies and clop. They get anthro ponies and a protagonist clopping to them). I've also added the comedy and slice of life tags as you've suggested.
Your criticisms are fair and valid, and they're given in a way that I can actually apply them as I continue to work on the story. That's exactly what I wanted when I contacted your group for a review, and that's all I can rightfully ask of you as the reviewer. I don't intend to waste your time with a bunch of author excuses (I'll save that for the prereader if and when I decide to procure one). I admit that there are multiple scenes I included that were probably better left on the editing room floor (Perhaps I'll make good on one of my ideas from an earlier reply to another reader and post the 'deleted scenes' as blogs for anyone interested).
In short, thanks for taking the time to read and review my work, and I'm glad for the detailed feedback in both the 'good' and the 'needs improvement' categories
I normally steer away from anthro stories...a lot of them are poorly made. I can count the ones I do like on one hand. This is one of them.
I'm dying of laughter here.
This is gradually turning into a horror story of mind control, corruption, and sex slavery. I'm quitting here.
4836667
Good god, man! Put a title on that and you could publish it!
I don't enjoy watermelons one bit, but I would never pass up an opportunity to browse a selection of warhammers.
my reaction to this entire chapter