A starving colt is found hiding in Applejacks barn, he refuses to speak too much about where he comes from, claiming that he would be branded crazy and locked away.
Applejack doesn't know if that would happen,
But he does seem to know more about her and her friends than he should
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Okay first fiction on this site, more of a way to develop my skills before I launch into some big ideas I have so constructive criticism is appreciated as my descriptions probably suck right now
This is inspired by Oh to be Old Again by Minalkra (which you should totally check out as well)
Enjoy!
EDIT: Now with cover art by the ever talented mix-up! It is just awesome! Check out his pages here and on Deviantart!
Chapters (36)
I'm intrigued
Hm. Ok, you've got my attention. Now where do we go from here?
I Like Storys, where the Protagonist is turned in a foal. So, that's the fisrt + from me. When the next two chapters will be so interested as this one, you get the next +
All I have to say about this story is this
with that I'll keep my eye out for this one
Please sir, can I have some more?
i'll fave this for now and pass my judgement when the next chapter is out
Woo! Red and black OC!
Thanks for the kind words, I'll get the next one out as soon as possible
You have peaked my interests... please, carry on...
Not bd.
I will follow.
Whelp - that's not a bad start. Some things:
If frost is on the ground, the produce is already ruined. I know of no veggie or fruit that's harvested after a frost (I could be entirely wrong though - if I am, ignore me). AJ could be inspecting the fence or checking the trees (apple trees are year-round maintenance) or any number of things - heck, maybe it's wild-weather from the Everfree and she's rushing to get a harvest in before the frost kills the plants.
coasted = coated
The double-quotes you're using are, uh, unique? ‘’ - kinda yin-yang-y, never seen it before. Is this on purpose? I usually use the default double-quotes myself. "This"
Might want to split this one up - there's a couple run-ons through this entire piece that might oughta be split up actually so this isn't the only place. Watch those commas. There's one very important one that SHOULDN'T be and I'll get to that soon.
You've misspelled Winona. 'Winowna?'
your = you're Your is possession - 'Your face.' You're is a contraction of 'you are.' HOWEVER! This entire convo seems REALLY good. The way there are no pauses and it's full of run-on sentences really makes it seem like this colt is panicky and thinking/talking a mile a minute just before he collapses. Very nice - though I would have made the first two comma-splices regular sentences and then, after he mentioned the doctors, have him not stop until the very end.
Or something similar. That gives the impression of regular conversation that slowly becomes a panicky mess.
So far, it's pretty good. Watch those comma splices (the run-ons) and you might want to think about adding a bit more description on what things look/feel/smell/taste like to give the piece more 'flavor' for lack of a better term. Just some thoughts.
2791316 Oops hadn't noticed the, ''frost coasted grass'' thanks to my computers spellchecker, the colt apparently also wore a ''jacked'', whatever that is
The double quotes are also the product of my version of Word, personally I've used both and don't really have a preference.
Thanks for taking the time to give some advice to a new author, I'm trying to work the bugs out of my technique with this story before I move on to some bigger ideas. I've taken you're suggestions on board and made a few minor changes to the chapter, including you're suggestion about the colts conversation with AJ, it reads a lot smoother and the build up to the panicked rant is brilliant.
If its not too much trouble could I ask about the overall 'perspective' of the chapter. Its in third person but follows Applejack throughout. I am unsure if I should keep the overall 'perspective' away from the colt on the ponies as they try to unravel the mystery around him, or if I should focus on both the colt and ponies equally. What do you think might work best?
Also, I did some research after you mentioned the frost killing the produce, apparently there are some apples that can be harvested in winter, one of which is the Granny Smith.
She's clearly a tough old bird.
Thanks again for the advice
Well despite the fact that this is a human turned pony fic, which I absolutely despise, this was pretty well done. Even though the chapters are roughly about 1000 words long, it doesn't actually feel like it, although putting more content into each chapter would be even better, instead of just the one scene per chapter you're currently doing. I like how distrustful, cynical and desperate he seems to be in regards to the ponies, hopefully that doesn't just instantly disappear due to one or two good deeds that may come his way. The shifts in the character perspective from the colt to Applejack was also well done.
I can't believe I'm doing this, but have a like and a favorite, I'll keep my eye on this story.
it's
Good Chapter.
BUT...
I think in this situation, she would just thinking, he was combining the parts he saw.
MORE suspect would it be, when he where saying:
2801006 Thanks for the comment, I tend to keep to short scenes as it prevents me from overloading myself with information but I will try to make them longer as the story progresses. I was afraid the perspectives would be an issue but they seem to be working so far.
2801099 Thanks for pointing that out, I've altered the chapter based on your suggestion.
Great job i aplaud you
2802189 I've gotten accustomed to reading chapters that contain over 10K words, so to me they seem short? Any chance the protagonist will turn back human?
So you've got my attention, though the grammar is a bit iffy in places.
Ahm should be Ah'm as it's sort of an accented "I'm".
Also, I noticed that you seemed to be missing some apostrophes when it comes to possessive words (I.E Applejack's coat is orange. Random noun's thingie).
You also seem to be missing punctuation at the end of some of your sentences, especially your dialogue. Be sure to always use those periods, exclaimation and question marks.
Lastly, it's a minor one, but I'm pretty sure Apple Bloom is two words.
Keep it up, I look forward to more stuff.
Edit: You may want to edit the cover picture. At first glance, it looks like a red and black OC which tends to cause a raging hateboner with many FIMFiction users.
Well from what I read it looks like a potential of a good story, as long as you stay true to the characters, story and give a decent pace, it will work out fine. Though becareful when you write short chapters like this, it can break a story. I suggest keeping chapters at least 3000 to 10000 so that you can give the reader interested in the story. Overall it looks like its going to be a good story. If you need tips on writing take a look into this Important to all writers!.
2792271
Howdy! Been busy lately, sorry. As to your question ...
What, exactly, do you want to show? Following the colt, you'll see a 'human's take' on Equestria from a foal's perspective. You can point out illogical things or really try your hands at world building or show how the ponies are different then humans - or how alike they are. You can do a lot with following the colt. Following the ponies, it's more a 'reaction' piece. How they react to the colt and his issues - the horror, the worry, the confusion and irritation. Either way has merits, either way has flaws and limitations.
You could do something similar to me, where I follow one but give glimpses into the other side. I like that because it lets the readership see both 'sides' of the situation - they see the assumptions, the confusion and the problems usually before the characters would be able to and can spend some time yelling at the screen 'No! No! Stop that! That won't help!'
I think it thus far keep it up
MOAR!
2803046 Sorry about the punctuation, I'm still developing my skills somewhat, as for Appleblooms' name, I've seen it spelt both ways but prefer this óne
2803830 I've managed to get the perspective shifts to remain fluid so far but I may try sticking to the perspective of the Apple family, and devoting interlude chapters to the colt.
Auuugh, this fic is good but the quotation marks!
Quotation marks look like ". Not like ' or ` or any kind of crazy upside down , or whatever. I can't even find where you got those things from on my keyboard, they are so weird.
This is your thingy.
This one has actual quote marks.
That bothered me so much when I was reading this.
2843891 I've had a few people mention the quotation marks, I think they are unique to my laptop, I have noticed when I type them in FIM fiction they go to the '' style.
2843891 Yep, those quotation marks was really irritating to read.
Well now Applebloom turned into Applebitch, didn't she?! I wonder what Applejack would think, her own sister mistreating a starving, sick, scared colt and accepting a bribe from him....
Tch, alicorn Twilight
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Nyeah.
Wished more had happened though.
On the bright side, the grammar was better. The dialogue is still missing punctuation in some places though, makes sure to stick a comma in the dialogue, if it's followed by a 'Said x.' It's a period if the next bit is an action though...or something like that. Forgot the exact term.
Ex:
2861567 Understood, I'll be more careful with that.
Eventually decided to go for unicorn Twilight.
2861601
Oh you are...?
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Sweet.
This might be an odd thing to comment on, but if you want to say "Apple Bloom walked somewhere", you really don't need to say "Apple Bloom cantered somewhere" just because the word sounds more horsey.
A canter is a specific gait (simplifying, but generally faster than a trot and slower than a gallop), and is going to be interpreted by your readers as running rather than walking, even when that doesn't make much sense, such as "slowly cantering upstairs" or when "Applebloom coldly cantered over, her gaze never once leaving him", both of which really seem like you meant for Apple Bloom to be walking.
She's gonna take the impaled cavities to Twist, eh?
I wonder how she'll react when she find out that it really is just a sweet.
2861676 I decided that the only real differences between Unicorn Twi and Alicorn Twi is one extra episode and a movie.
2861954 I'll keep that in mind, I think I was panicking a little over what terms apply to ponies and people.
Update?
2933726 Working on it as we speak, works just been a bit tough right now so my free time went spiralling down the infinite chasm that is my timetable.
I call BS on that Spike, she just wants to keep you as a slave!
And I hate to be that guy (no I don't) but longer chapter would be great.
Good Chapter. Not very long but with enough details to make it interesting.
I hope we dont have to wait to long for the next Chapter.
BRONY!
We ride at dawn.
I noticed a few errors in word-choice and spelling. For instance, 'defiantly' should be 'definitely'.
Do you want an editor?
Uh..oh. Applejack is on her way back home, and Reiver won't be there when she returns. AB is going to get blamed or this. At least Twilight helped Spike clean up the mess of books.
2962977 Thanks for the offer, yes I would like an editor, I'm always worried I'm messing up character lines.
2962896 It's only an interlude, I'll work on a longer one for the next bit. You can blame my boss if you want for making me work more hours.
2964715
Nothing too big/bad, just some minor punctuation and spelling mostly. I'll get on it.
2965110 Thanks man, this will be a BIG help.
Good lord, reading the dialogue for Twist was painful!
I hope Reiver isn't too submissive when dealing with ponies and let them push him around.
Close enough, I suppose.