Applejack took a deep breath as she stepped out of the farmhouse, feeling the cool crisp air fill her lungs. It was early morning and the sky held a pink tinge as the sun rose. Sweeping her gaze across the horizon the orange mare took in the sight of her family’s orchard, the apple trees stretching as far as her eye could see.
It was a beautiful sight.
‘’Well, admiring this view ain’t gonna get the harvest in.’’ she thought to herself.
“C’mon Winona!”
With a sharp whistle, she summoned a brown and white collie to her side, and the pair set off towards the large barn that sat behind the farmhouse.
Applejack’s hooves crunched into the frost coated grass, winter was still a few weeks away but there had been an early frost thanks to some wild weather from the nearby Everfree Forest and now it was a race against time to gather in the harvest.
Winona bounded around her with that infinite reserve of energy that dogs seem to possess, and as they approached the barn she suddenly stopped her bouncing and began to sniff around. Applejack noticed it but paid her no heed; some critter had probably just gotten her attention and any minute she would run off to chase it.
Sure enough, the dog zeroed in on the smell and took off towards the barn. The farm pony watched as she disappeared through a hole in the wood by the doors.
She frowned.
That hadn’t been there last night.
As she neared the barn, Winona’s barking echoed from inside, then she began to whine. Concerned that something was happening to her pet Applejack put on a turn of speed and heaved the massive doors aside.
The barn’s interior was fairly full at this time of year, hay bales were stacked in mountains around the walls and filled up the back, tools and equipment were stacked neatly by the left wall and a large apple cart filled with baskets was on the right.
Sticking out from under the cart she could see the tail of her beloved collie, but she could also hear something else under there.
“Shhh... please be quiet, maybe she’ll go away...’’
Slowly she made her way to the side of the vehicle and dropped to her knees.
Behind the wheel spokes she saw Winona cuddled up to a young colt and as soon as he saw her his eyes widened in terror.
“Hey there’’, she said softly “what’s a...’’ she never got to finish as he scrabbled from his hiding place and took off like a cake from Pinkie’s party cannon.
She made a grab for him as he passed behind her, but she just missed and landed face first in a hay bale while he went for the door. Pulling herself up she galloped after him, skidding around the side of the barn she leapt over barrels and piles of farm debris he had thrown in her path in an effort to shake her. As they rounded the farmhouse she spotted her sibling, Big Macintosh, coming out the front door.
“Mac! Stop him!’’ she yelled, causing the red stallion to turn towards the fleeing colt. Squaring himself, Big Mac blocked his intended escape, so the colt improvised.
Taking a running jump up some crates by the house he dove through the window. There was a surprised yelp from inside, followed by the sound of breaking dishes as he ran over the kitchen table and back out the door, followed by her younger sister Apple Bloom, whose red mane and yellow coat were plastered with porridge.
Following Apple Bloom, the pair spotted the colt veer left into the farmyard. Nodding to each other the two split up, Big Mac heading around the back while Applejack moved in from the side, Applebloom had already chased him in from the front and she reckoned they would be able to corner him now there were three Apples on the case.
Coming back around the farmhouse she saw him attempting to outrun Apple Bloom, only to screech left as Big Macintosh appeared and cut off his exit. The colt ran towards Applejack but veered to the right when she stepped out to block him.
He was now pinned between the three Apples and the farmhouse wall.
He scrabbled and kicked at the wood in a vain effort to make an exit, but when that proved fruitless he turned to face his pursuers and Applejack finally got a good look at him.
He looked about Apple Bloom’s age; his coat was a dark chestnut and his mane was deep black. He wore a black jacket that looked threadbare in places and she could see a few holes in the sleeves.
He was also thin, thinner than a colt his age should be and his expression was the same as in the barn, pure terror, his eyes were darting rapidly between the three ponies, searching for any possible escape route.
She turned to her siblings and motioned for them to back off; Big Mac had to put a hoof in front of Apple Bloom, who looked like she was ready to murder the poor thing for dumping porridge on her.
Cautiously, she approached the terrified foal. He was still looking for an avenue of escape, wondering how fast he could dart between her legs and make for the road, she had to calm him down.
“Easy there...’’ she began “Easy...we’re not going to hurt you.’’
The colt’s gaze snapped towards her.
“I know.’’
His voice sounded haggard and raspy and he suffered a small coughing fit before continuing.
“I know you won’t hurt me. You're too nice for that - you’d probably take me in, give me a hot meal and a bed to sleep on. But then you’d have to get a doctor and then the questions would start and ponies would ask me where I came from and who my parents were but I can’t answer those because if I did then I’d probably be put into an orphanage and adopted out to some family miles from anywhere or I’d be called crazy and end up in asylum so doctors can poke, prod and drug me and tell me everything’s okay, that I’m delusional and need help, but I don’t need help! I’m not crazy, I just, I just, I just...’’
His panicked response was cut off by another coughing fit that dissolved into wheezing gasps, which caused his legs to give way.
Applejack caught him before his head hit the ground.
“Please...’’ he begged “No doctors...”
Then he was gone.
I'm intrigued
Hm. Ok, you've got my attention. Now where do we go from here?
I Like Storys, where the Protagonist is turned in a foal. So, that's the fisrt + from me. When the next two chapters will be so interested as this one, you get the next +
All I have to say about this story is this
with that I'll keep my eye out for this one
Please sir, can I have some more?
i'll fave this for now and pass my judgement when the next chapter is out
Woo! Red and black OC!
Thanks for the kind words, I'll get the next one out as soon as possible
You have peaked my interests... please, carry on...
Not bd.
I will follow.
Whelp - that's not a bad start. Some things:
If frost is on the ground, the produce is already ruined. I know of no veggie or fruit that's harvested after a frost (I could be entirely wrong though - if I am, ignore me). AJ could be inspecting the fence or checking the trees (apple trees are year-round maintenance) or any number of things - heck, maybe it's wild-weather from the Everfree and she's rushing to get a harvest in before the frost kills the plants.
coasted = coated
The double-quotes you're using are, uh, unique? ‘’ - kinda yin-yang-y, never seen it before. Is this on purpose? I usually use the default double-quotes myself. "This"
Might want to split this one up - there's a couple run-ons through this entire piece that might oughta be split up actually so this isn't the only place. Watch those commas. There's one very important one that SHOULDN'T be and I'll get to that soon.
You've misspelled Winona. 'Winowna?'
your = you're Your is possession - 'Your face.' You're is a contraction of 'you are.' HOWEVER! This entire convo seems REALLY good. The way there are no pauses and it's full of run-on sentences really makes it seem like this colt is panicky and thinking/talking a mile a minute just before he collapses. Very nice - though I would have made the first two comma-splices regular sentences and then, after he mentioned the doctors, have him not stop until the very end.
Or something similar. That gives the impression of regular conversation that slowly becomes a panicky mess.
So far, it's pretty good. Watch those comma splices (the run-ons) and you might want to think about adding a bit more description on what things look/feel/smell/taste like to give the piece more 'flavor' for lack of a better term. Just some thoughts.
2791316 Oops hadn't noticed the, ''frost coasted grass'' thanks to my computers spellchecker, the colt apparently also wore a ''jacked'', whatever that is
The double quotes are also the product of my version of Word, personally I've used both and don't really have a preference.
Thanks for taking the time to give some advice to a new author, I'm trying to work the bugs out of my technique with this story before I move on to some bigger ideas. I've taken you're suggestions on board and made a few minor changes to the chapter, including you're suggestion about the colts conversation with AJ, it reads a lot smoother and the build up to the panicked rant is brilliant.
If its not too much trouble could I ask about the overall 'perspective' of the chapter. Its in third person but follows Applejack throughout. I am unsure if I should keep the overall 'perspective' away from the colt on the ponies as they try to unravel the mystery around him, or if I should focus on both the colt and ponies equally. What do you think might work best?
Also, I did some research after you mentioned the frost killing the produce, apparently there are some apples that can be harvested in winter, one of which is the Granny Smith.
She's clearly a tough old bird.
Thanks again for the advice
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Howdy! Been busy lately, sorry. As to your question ...
What, exactly, do you want to show? Following the colt, you'll see a 'human's take' on Equestria from a foal's perspective. You can point out illogical things or really try your hands at world building or show how the ponies are different then humans - or how alike they are. You can do a lot with following the colt. Following the ponies, it's more a 'reaction' piece. How they react to the colt and his issues - the horror, the worry, the confusion and irritation. Either way has merits, either way has flaws and limitations.
You could do something similar to me, where I follow one but give glimpses into the other side. I like that because it lets the readership see both 'sides' of the situation - they see the assumptions, the confusion and the problems usually before the characters would be able to and can spend some time yelling at the screen 'No! No! Stop that! That won't help!'
2803830 I've managed to get the perspective shifts to remain fluid so far but I may try sticking to the perspective of the Apple family, and devoting interlude chapters to the colt.
When I saw this was inspired by one of my favorite fanfics of all time, you gained my curiosity. When I read the first chapter, you gained my attention. Good bit of exposition there at the end and the action was pretty well done and excellently paced. Looking forward to the rest.
Wow, this was definitely an interesting opening to the story. Can't wait to see what happens next. Although:
Please tell me this isn't going to do what OtbOA did and throw in a bunch of unnecessary and distracting social changes like males being treated badly by females. It's just so confusing and SoD breaking that it ended up preventing me from being able to enjoy that story, which sucks because I had loved it up to that. I only hope this story sticks to canon instead.
This is very good! Nice hook, nice pacing, the works. I look forward to reading this!
Just from chapter one, like and fav. Very good pacing and the hooks were great. Well done.
Nice story so far. I must say that everything in the first chapter got me curious to read more. I'll make ya a deal, I'll read more of your chapters if you keep writing them.
Oh, and if you get a chance, check out my story. It might not be as good as your, but let me know what ya think!
I just found this fic, and I didn't notice any glaring grammatical errors or typos so I'd say you're off to a better start than most of the NEW FICs I've read.
Are they Anthro's?
Never make a red and block oc, might want to change his color.
whoo! I'm the 600th upvote!
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Have an up vote then!
Also: Interesting story so far. I can't wait to read more.
5383269 Although they have a stigma there is nothing inherently wrong with red and black. Hell, the reason so many OCs get that color is because they work very well together. Frankly I would like to see some good OC characters get used with that color scheme just to shrug off the Shadow the hedgehog stigma and let us all move on.
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Finally! Thank you! I chose red and black for my first OC and my story got SOOOO many downvotes without them even reading the content. Seriously, apparently it's a crime to like and black. Besides that, my OC wasn't even red and black to me, I'm red/green colour blind, it looked brown and grey to me. But I'm rambling now...
Good opening; you set the season, without giving a weather report.
I couldn't do any better myself between the opening and when the colt first speaks, but hen you seem to get in a rush. Dialogue is a little stiff, and your pacing is off. I think both could be helped but breaking up the dialogue with little actions. Have them say something, then move. Show them reacting to their surroundings.
Not sure why this is a bit strange for me, probably because it is your first one, but I can still believe something like that happening, or him reacting like that.
I think I like it.
So far so good. No overabundance of exposition so far. No use of over-description so far. The colt may be acting irrational, but he's shown to be panicking. You almost always can not act ration when in a panic, or when scared.
I don't believe that this is your 1st fanfiction. It's way too good.
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Thanks, I will be resuming work once I get the last chapter of my Zootopia fiction done, which should be soon, work willing.
This is going into favorites if only for the end of this chapter.
Yeesh. Get the kid a therapist tbh.
I'm kind of liking this. I have a thing for lost colts being helped like this.
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Ara Ara ara
Well. That was short. And sad. And a little confusing. But I suppose...
sees chapter list
Oh... nevermind. I shall read on.
Switch "gone" to "unconscious". Gone implies he died. Nice start otherwise.
Huh. I never saw this one before.
Protagonist is assimilating well into being a pony since each an every one of the protagonists had exact moments like this.
Roll the credits!