Paul's Thursday Reviews CCLXXIX · 9:12pm Jan 6th, 2022
And so we enter 2022. Let us all hope it is saner than the last two years.
In the past I’ve made note of my plans to go to the Life, the Universe, and Everything convention in Provo, Utah. I’d been looking forward to it for quite some time, even if I wasn’t sure just what I’d be able to get out of the event. At the very least I might finally get to meet a certain FiMFiction Norseman.
Alas, I’m afraid it is not to be. I have decided to cancel the trip, at least this year.
The problem comes down to money, as all things inevitably do. That’s not to say I can’t afford to go. Technically, I can. It’s just that I’m trying to buy a house, and there have been all sorts of… interruptions. I won’t bore you with the details. Fact of the matter is that I was supposed to be moved in by November and that didn’t happen. At this point I have no idea exactly how much I’m going to be paying out-of-pocket for this move; downpayment, hiring a moving van, buying what furniture I’m lacking, and a hundred other things I can’t be arsed to list out here.
When I first decided I was going to take the LTUE trip, I believed that I’d know the full expense of this move by November. Now we’re into January and I still have guesses at best. It just feels like the wrong time to book a vacation.
On the plus side, now I’ve got 5 days of vacation I didn’t use last year and I can put those down for a vacation in a time that is, y’know, not February. Assuming I can afford said vacation after buying the house, that is.
Enough of my real-world issues. Let us get to the reviews.
Stories for This Week:
The Magnificent Six by Paradise Oasis
Good Things Come in Threes by Sea Gnash
Sunset Shimmer Discovers Bubble Wrap by Sidral Mundet
Storm Wardens by LuminoZero
Freeport Venture: The Hunted by Chengar Qordath
Fluffy Fever by Eyeswirl the Weirded
Total Word Count: 185,100
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 3
Worth It: 2
Needs Work: 0
None: 1
The Magnificent Six
128,059 Words
By Paradise Oasis
It has been many thousands of years since the Grogar Wars that ended Equestria, brought low two of Equestria’s three alicorn princesses, and reduced the world to a tense group of city states composed largely of racial segregations. Princess Cadance has proven by far her aunts’ inferior. She’s permitted “Ponyland” to be ruled by an insufficient group of so-called “Princesses” who in no way represent the Elements they claim to possess, while she herself has been reduced to little more than a subservient figurehead. An epiphany makes Cadance want to bring back the old days, but to do this she’ll need to recruit proper bearers for the Elements of Harmony. And so she calls upon the former Bearers’ most direct descendents…
This is one of those stories where I severely question what I was thinking when I decided to add it to my schedule. If I had a time machine, I’d go back and kick myself for that decision.
The story largely focuses on five new young mares who are meant to serve as the bearers of the Elements. And Applejack, who is the old Applejack. Why she’s still alive and looks exactly the same will never be explained. These girls will undergo all sorts of tests, sometimes together and sometimes independently, to “prove” they are worthy of the Elements. These tests don’t always have anything to do with said Elements.
Take, for example, the time Twilight Shine is sent to resolve a problem entirely on her own. Neither the problem nor the solution have anything to do with the Element of Magic, Twilight ultimately had to be rescued as she completely failed her initial task, and in the end she resolved the situation by getting into a no-holds-barred brawl with another pony. So… yeah. Nothing to do with Friendship is Magic. At all. And yet, somehow, this event is lauded as the ultimate proof that she’s worthy of the Element.
I’ve barely scratched the surface, but already you can see that this author really didn’t think this one through. This is apparently supposed to be a “historical text”, which should tell you a lot on its own.
On top of misunderstanding what genres are and creating events that have no relation to the overarching goal, the author has no idea who their audience is meant to be. For a while I thought this story was aimed at a children’s demographic. Many events are simplistic to the point that I could only assume they were intended to work with a toddler’s capacity for logic. Take one scene where two witches are attempting to attack a trio of unawares ponies in a (insert eye-roll here) monster truck, only for the truck to randomly accelerate, leading to the two witches colliding in midair behind it. The ponies in said truck are none-the-wiser. These kinds of silly scenes happen from beginning to end, so you’d think this is a story aimed at kids, right?
Or how about Surprise foiling a bunch of witches by firing them out of a canon, or appealing to a cynical queen’s lack of faith by playing with dolls. Or the two corrupt politicians who are found guilty of treason with zero actual evidence. Then we have members of Royalty tossing supreme magical artifacts into a witch’s volcano because, somehow, they failed to notice that a bunch of evil witches live in said volcano, even though this fact is considered common knowledge by literally every other character in the story. Point is, both the nature of the events and the way they are written is often more on par with, say, Gen1 MLP than Gen 4 MLP.
Then we have a flutter pony literally explode, with all the gore and viscera that entails.
Then we have Twilight Shine being brainwashed into a sex slave.
Then we have foals getting their souls sucked out of them to fuel the witch Hydia’s dark magic. They are never saved.
Who the hell are you writing this story for, Paradise Oasis? Because the manner of the writing and the silly ways things are resolved tells me you’re aiming at little kids, but then you’ve got shit like exploding ponies and goblin cultists that would give such kids lifelong emotional trauma. I haven’t even started with the endless homophones or the unwillingness to explain how literally anything in the story works.
And because it bugs me so much, I’d love an explanation for why Twilight Shine is depicted as infiltrating a local mafia (including boning the Boss), supposedly falls into “loving” the lifestyle and forgetting why she’s even there in less than a week, then the whole concept is retconned so that, oh, no, that was never Twilight Shine, it was her estranged sister all along! Who, after going through all this to help Twilight Shine via this undercover investigation, abruptly turns a 180 and tries to kill her. Because that makes perfect sense.
To summarize: This story is an inconsistent, poorly written, mind-numbing mess. By the fifth chapter or so I was skimming because I’d lost all interest. By the tenth chapter I was just wishing it would be over. This was all-around bad and impossible to recommend.
There is a bit of hope, however. This story was written way back in 2013, and I note that the author is still publishing material. That’s a lot of time to improve one’s craft. I may find it in my heart to give this author another chance via some more recent material. But for this story, its placement is as clear as can be.
Bookshelf: None
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Good Things Come in Threes
4,488 Words
By Sea Gnash
Fluttershy suffers from one terrible weakness: an inability to say “no”. So when Twilight and Rarity ask her out a mere week apart from one another, Fluttershy ends up trying to juggle dating both mares without either of them figuring it out. Her nightmares come to life when Twilight and Rarity each come to visit her on the same day…
As a shipper, I couldn’t not read this. I mean, come on. How am I supposed to ignore it?
The story is everything you’d expect, complete with the unrealistic happy ending that’s perfectly normal for these types of fics. That’s not a criticism. The only criticism I have is that Sea Gnash decided to focus on extrapolation and Tell rather than letting us live things out. Oh, the Big Moment when Fluttershy faces the inevitable is given its due attention, but everything else? Yeah, could have gone for a more personable route with those bits, author. Granted, it probably would have added 2k-5k words, but the story would have been more interesting for it.
Still, the hopeless romantics will adore this, and I don’t blame them. If you want to watch Fluttershy torture herself by dating two mares at once and getting outed, this should give you your fix.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Sunset Shimmer Discovers Bubble Wrap
2,213 Words
By Sidral Mundet
Bubble wrap doesn’t exist in Equestria. So when Sunset’s order for a new motorcycle helmet comes in…
Silly story is silly. It starts with Sunset being childishly playful as she tries to share the joys of bubble wrap with her friends and concludes with the (in?)famous material being, er, ‘exported’ to Equestria. It’s cute and I have zero reason to object to any of it.
The story does get a little telly…
“BWAHAHAHA!” Rainbow laughed. No longer being able to contain herself she banged her fist on the table.
Insert annoyed comment about written out laughter here.
“Ow,” Rainbow said rubbing the muscle, not pleased at the punch she had received.
So the writing is a little rough. While it’s definitely going to affect my rating, I’m not inclined to care too much this time. As long as you can look past it and enjoy Sunset (and later Twilight) being silly and cute with bubble wrap, you’ll probably be okay.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Short Mane Fluttershy — Worth It
Just Buck Already — Needs Work
The Last Conversation — Needs Work
Storm Wardens
15,328 Words
By LuminoZero
Sequel to Wingover
Prism Bolt, Icy Storm, Pixel Bit and Whirlwind are in Manehattan to watch the latest Wonderbolt show. It all goes normally at first. Then a wild storm surges into the city and suddenly Rainbow Dash’s family find themselves helping out in a citywide disaster. But there are more storms going on than just the weather…
There’s a lot happening in this story. A lot. I know at least somewhat about the kilala-verse, but this went well beyond my knowledge. Which can be a bit of a problem, as the story assumes you already know everything the author does about this universe. So when Pixel Bit shows up, you are expected to be aware that this is the daughter of Button Mash and Sweetie Belle. You should understand that Icy Storm is Prism Bolt’s little brother. When new names are introduced, you shouldn’t be confused by how they relate to whatever is going on; you should know.
That’s a big problem for anyone who isn’t an expert on the kilala-verse. Having read all the previous stories in this series helps a lot but only gets you so far, because a lot of the characters we’re meeting either weren’t introduced in them or had minor roles you probably won’t remember.
None of this means you absolutely must be a kilala-verse encyclopedia to get the story. The plot is easy to follow overall since it keeps focused mostly on Prism Bolt, Icy Storm, and Whirlwind. If you can learn to just roll with it and not get too bothered by the seemingly random names getting thrown around, you may discover a pleasant story about finding your own path in life.
The story is good. Undeniably. Even if you don’t know the universe in which it is set. It’s a solid way to end the whole “coming of age” plot arc that this series evolved into. Despite the occasional bout of confusion, I thoroughly enjoyed the story from beginning to end. But I strongly recommend reading all the stories shortly after one another. You’ll be less confused that way.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
In Her Shadow — Pretty Good
Wingover — Pretty Good
Subconscious Desires — Worth It
A Little Push — Worth It
Blood Brothers — Worth It
Freeport Venture: The Hunted
19,508 Words
By Chengar Qordath
Sequel to The Freeport Venture
Eleven-(and a half!)-year-old Kukri Doo is quite satisfied with things in Freeport. Her parents love her, she lives comfortably, and she might even get the chance to apprentice under the Shimmer-mare! Then her sister Kunai arrives with bad news. Something is stalking Kukri. Something that feeds on fear. Something that won’t stop until she is dead.
Here we have a story that reveals just how dark the Freeport-verse can get. Told from the perspective of Kukri, it reveals how blood feuds can get so very out of hoof. Kukri’s sister Kunai is an assassin, and she recently killed somepony whose family is determined to get revenge. But the creature hired to “make Kunai suffer” decides to translate that order in a way that puts Kukri in its sights.
This is absolutely the horror it claims to be. We’ve already seen so much about how bad Freeport gets, but here we find that not even perfectly innocent children are safe. It’s a good lesson for us, the readers, about where this series could go. I emphasize could, because while the concept here is indeed disturbing and Kukri is bound to be traumatized for life, it never fulfills its promises. If Chengar Qordath can’t do it here, why should I believe they will in the future?
Regardless, this was an effective story about a child facing something truly horrifying. Writing it from Kukri’s perspective was a great decision to emphasize the horrible nature of what is happening. Alas, it makes the climactic final fight a little underwhelming in that Kukri doesn’t actually do anything in it (unless you count the whole “conquering your fears” thing). Yet I still think it was the right decision for the story as a whole.
Then we get that epilogue, in which Changar Qordath reminds us that death is still a very real thing in this world, sometimes cruelly and unnecessarily so. I have to admit, I felt sorry for the guy.
All-in-all, another good entry of the Freeport-verse.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
A Moment in the Sun — WHYRTY?
Freeport Venture: Blood and Iron — WHYRTY?
The Freeport Venture — Pretty Good
Freeport Venture: More Equal than Others — Pretty Good
Freeport Venture: Auction Night — Pretty Good
Fluffy Fever
15,504 Words
By Eyeswirl the Weirded
Sequel to Dazzle Robs a Bank
Sunset Shimmer has fallen ill. Luckily, the Great Floof has arrived unsolicited to nurse her back to health!
This is everything you’re probably expecting, assuming you’re expecting it to be about Adagio Dazzle taking care of Sunset while she’s sick. Contrary to the cover art, no nurse uniforms are involved. The story largely exists for character/relationship growth, which is a nice change from the last one. We get to learn a lot about the Sirens’ past here, particularly their parentage and some of their reactions to the human world’s cultures and quirks.
It can feel like a whole lot of nothing is happening with this one, but I’m okay with that. By the author’s own admission, this largely exists for exposition purposes, and the contents are legit interesting. The one big problem is that the story references a lot of the events from previous stories. It’s been 11 months since I reviewed the first story, which means it’s probably been more than a year since I actually read it; a lot of those details are simply gone as far as my memory is concerned. If you’re not reading these stories back-to-back, you may have trouble following along.
I didn’t mind it too much. We’ve got Sunset and Adagio being all friendshippy adorable. And it’s Eyeswirl’s Adagio, so of course a bit of naughty teasing is inevitable. It’s a good collection of pleasant moments between these two, and I didn’t need it to be anything else.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Sucker for a Cute Face — WHYRTY?
Dazzle's Poor Career Choice — Pretty Good
Fluff and Kidnapping — Pretty Good
Blueblood Takes Over Equestria — Worth It
Dazzle Robs a Bank — Worth It
Stories for Next Week:
Empress Rarity's 250th Birthday by Lord-Commander
Colder Weather by Merc the Jerk
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NoooooOOOOOooooo!
That is disappointing to hear! I was looking forward to finally saying hello face to face and seeing you at the con! Well, at least you'll still be able to watch it online!
OK, so, when I first read the summary of "The Magnificent Six", I thought it was a Gen 5 story. Having subsequently read your description of what the story actually contains, I'm not sure if I am relieved or disappointed that is not the case.
I honestly never really got into the Freeport stories; I read a couple of them and they gave me the impression of Sunset Shimmer as a bit of a Mary Sue who takes on all comers and is a bit too tolerant of the city's numerous defects. This particular story, though, seems like it moves the focus away from Sunset and is less apologetic in its portrayal of Freeport itself, so I might go ahead and check it out.
Sounds like that first one is something of a G1 crossover, especially going by the cover art (would explain why Applejack still looks like Applejack, for instance). Doesn't explain literally anything else you mentioned though! c.c
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Yeah, those "descendants" are apparently G4 versions of the G1 ponies, appearing in the G5 timeframe. It's an interesting idea, but it sounds like it was wasted; I'd have enjoyed an explanation scene acknowledging/clarifying New!Applejack so strongly resembles her great-ancestor but isn't actually her, in Bicentennial Man fashion.
Another interesting slate of stories!
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Although it's never expressly stated, the entire premise of The Magnificent Six appears to be "G1 takes place after G4, here's how it got there", skipping a couple thousand years and some really important events (like wars and new races being introduced and the deaths of supposedly immortal beings). There's even a scene where Firefly briefly goes to the human world (for her Loyalty test) and meets the mother of one Megan.
I definitely like the idea, but the author was clearly not up to the task, at least at that time.