Paul's Thursday Reviews CCLXXVII · 9:01pm Dec 23rd, 2021
An early Merry Christmas to the lot of you!
The other day a story I was tracking got completed at last, and that meant I finally got to add it to my list of Long Stories and put it under the appropriate schedule. After doing that, I realized that almost the entire year of 2022 has been booked with these things. I’ve got three slots left for stories over 70k. Three.
This brings up two topics. The first is the impact, both positive and negative, of my “one big story per week” rule, which I started because I was getting way behind on them and wanted to clear out the list somehow. In that regard, it worked perfectly. But due to the unpredictability of story lengths, it also meant that I would have to carefully arrange when the stories appeared in the schedule in order to not get overwhelmed. In this regard the method failed significantly, as it looks like my reading is going to be done in excess next year. Just for example, in early January there are going to be a few days where I’m stuck reading 50,000 words/day just to keep up, and in mid-February I’ll be doing more than a week straight of 40k/day. And that’s for reading the big stories only, it doesn’t factor in any smaller stories I might want to read in the meantime for the sake of not having one-story blogs.
So yeah. 2022 is going to be a busy year for me, at least in regards to reading. Which leads to the second topic:
What to do about 2023? I’ve only three Long Story slots left for the entire year. Frankly, I do not want 2023 to be a repeat of 2022. With this in mind, I do not intend to add anymore stories above 70k words after those three slots have been filled. The Long Schedule ends in 2022. For now.
This doesn’t mean that I’m going to stop reviewing at the end of 2022. It’s just that it feels ridiculous to schedule more stories for 2023 when we aren’t even in 2022 yet. I’m also going to want to rethink how I handle my schedule and these blogs after that point, and that’s going to change in the coming year based on my feelings on the matter. Maybe I’ll cut down on my reading. Maybe this blog will become a once-every-two-weeks thing instead of weekly. Maybe I’ll quit entirely. I just don’t know. But I do know that with my dedication to keeping my review promises, adding stuff in 2023 now would feel like a premature lock-in of my activities more than a year before I know if I either want or can do them, and I’m not doing that to myself.
But enough about that. We’ve got reviews to read, so let’s get cracking!
Stories for This Week:
The Conversion Bureau by halo003qd
Good Girl by DungeonMiner
Death by Dragon by Compendium of Steve
Children of Equestria by Samey90
Total Word Count: 196,287
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 3
Worth It: 0
Needs Work: 1
None: 0
The Conversion Bureau
18,603 Words (Incomplete)
By halo003qd
Equestria is but a small island off the east coast of the United States. While the ponies are friendly, they are faced with massive overpopulation. This in mind, they have been immigrating to the rest of the world. But “the rest of the world” is full of humans, which are rather unpleasant individuals. Celestia has a way to fix that…
Before we begin, an acknowledgement and a disclaimer. First, a big thank you to MosAnted for pointing out that this story, which was removed from FIMFiction an untold time ago, still exists on FIMFetch.
Second, I cannot confirm with any confidence that the halo003qd who wrote this story is the same halo003qd on FIMFiction. Yes, it stands to reason, but since there’s no direct link between the name of FIMFetch and the one on FIMFiction, I want to cover my bases.
Anyway, after seeing so friggen many stories based upon the Conversion Bureau, I grew curious to see the original and figure out what the big deal was. What I found was a story slightly different from everything I’ve been seeing so far. A lot of the things I thought originated in this story were in fact completely made up by later writers.
For example, the CB stories I’ve read in the past have all suggested that Equestria was somehow ‘teleported’ to Earth by the ponies. Turns out that was never the case: halo003qd instead simply had Equestria always be on Earth, exactly as we know it, as an island in the Atlantic Ocean. The stories also suggested that there was a magical “conversion barrier” around Equestria that was rapidly growing and threatening to wipe out all of humanity. While the original does have a magical barrier around the island, it is stationary and only exists to protect Equestria from attack.
Point is, a lot of the assumptions I’d come to about this story were blatantly wrong.
What I’ve encountered is something of an amateur piece of incomplete fiction. I get the feeling that halo003qd was going for something deep and bumbled it up badly. The story focuses on a human named Ethan who decides to undergo “ponification”. After being converted to a pony, he ends up living with Twilight Sparkle in Equestria as the island prepares for a sudden threat made upon all of ponydom by an anti-conversion terrorist group known as the Human Liberation Front.
Right away, problems arise. For starters, why are the Mane Six working office jobs in some town in the United States? There are multiple conversion offices around the world worked by regular ponies all the time and I’m sure these six have far better things to do with their normal lives, which are apparently still going on, than go work in one of these offices. Worse, it’s directly stated that Equestria is an island off the east coast of the United States. Are you telling me that these ponies are somehow commuting from Ponyville to the United States daily, which undoubtedly requires the use of a boat or airplane, while still working their canon jobs in Ponyville? I’m assuming this author has never been to an airport or used a ferry.
Twilight Sparkle picks Ethan and his friend Barry to come to Ponyville and undergo some special missions. Given that there are hundreds, perhaps thousands of humans becoming ponies every day, not to mention the millions of natural-born ponies that already exist, you’d think there must be something very special about these two ex-humans to warrant such attention. And… there’s not. Oh, sure, Barry is surprisingly good at magic despite having only been a unicorn for a few days, but that’s the one and only thing these two combined have going for them. No excuse will ever be given as to why these two deserve to work with the Mane Six on their assorted quests.
If you want to go into extra silly territory, how about the scene in which Princess Celestia receives a personal, direct call from a shadowy female figure who is generally described as “sinister” and who talks like a campy B-movie villain. It feels even sillier when the Warrior Princess herself, Luna, blubbers “Why are you so mean to us?” like some whiney thirteen-year-old before the schoolyard bully.
Then there’s the scene where Ethan gets attacked in broad daylight by… a thing. When he wakes up, all Twilight can tell him is that he was attacked in the Everfree Forest. “But wait, I was standing in front of Carousel Boutique!” “Well then, I guess it was a creature from the Everfree Forest.” And I’m over here wondering how it is Ethan got knocked unconscious in a street clearly described as full of ponies who, after he is attacked but before he blacks out, are screaming and running around in panic, yet somehow nopony saw the attacker well enough to describe it as anything except maybe “a creature from the Everfree Forest.”
Throw on top of this all the initial misanthropy being thrown about. Twilight is introduced to the story by giving a brief lecture on how humans are by default “greedy and filled with hatred” and destroying Earth with their “selfish, bloodthirsty ways.” This theme is very strong in the early chapters, but halo003qd pulls it back significantly as the story moves on, with the ponies acknowledging that their original interpretation of humans was significantly flawed due to bad first impressions. But by then it’s too late to save the audience’s opinions and perspectives regarding what was going on, as the countless “correction” stories littering FIMFiction provide evidence towards.
The writing isn’t as bad as I feared, but it does have a lot of issues. There are weird moments where the author speaks directly to the audience. There are times when nonsensical things happen, like a door knocking as opposed to someone knocking on the door. There’s the time Twilight asks Ethan why he slept so late and his response is “had a bad dream”, as if somehow dreaming and waking up late have some correlation to one another (and Twilight accepts the response as normal).
These issues offer some vital clues as to the nature of not just the story, but also of the author. The impression I get is that halo003qd was not just new to writing in general, but also very young. This isn’t a criticism, it’s an acknowledgement of who, generally speaking, halo003qd may have been at the time this was written back in 2012. I recognize these mistakes. I made them. Back when I was fifteen. What I see here isn’t someone who knew exactly the story they wanted to write and how to get that message down. Rather, I see someone who said “I have an idea!” and started throwing words on a screen without any clue how to get from Point A to Point B, much less deliver a clear message.
The point I’m trying to make here is that I feel like the people writing ‘reaction fics’ to this story are making mountains out of a molehill. I don’t believe this story is reflective of the author’s views. I don’t think it was ever meant to be taken as some denunciation of humanity. I think it’s merely an idea presented by someone who didn’t know what they were doing and thus ended up being interpreted in ways the author never intended. I also suspect that halo003qd gave up on the story before it could get to the actual point, possibly because of demotivation from the reaction of others.
Granted, these are all my assumptions based on observations made long after the fact and personal experience in “early writing”. I could be completely wrong about all of this. But everything I’m seeing leads me to the conclusion that people with wildly different ideas from the author snatched it up and made it into something it was never meant to be, leading to one of the more toxic elements of the fandom. If that’s the case, I don’t just not blame the author for quitting on the idea entirely, I also offer them my sympathies.
As for the story, I can’t rate it highly. It’s simply not a good one, what with the regular stream of plot holes and the poor (but grammatically decent, I note) writing. That being said, I’d still recommend people read it, just so that they can get the ‘real experience’ and see where all the nonsense actually comes from. Better that than making assumptions based on what other people have done.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Good Girl
6,602 Words
By DungeonMiner
At every opportunity, Silver Lining goes to visit his fiance at the hospital. The doctors tell him there is no cure. That she will probably be this way forever. It hurts every time, but he will not abandon Screw Loose.
This story comes in two parts. The first details the life of Screw Loose, a mare whose mind is constantly battling that of a dog. Sometimes Screw can emerge back to the surface and talk to her beloved. But not often. Not for long. And throughout her endless turmoil is the ever-present fear that Silver Lining will give up on her, leaving her to this terrible fate.
Then you get to the second part, in which a certain draconequus decides to investigate her condition. Because of course it’s Discord. Seriously, about halfway through the first chapter I was thinking, “Have they asked Discord yet?” So what came next was no surprise.
I came away pleased. DungeonMiner does a wonderful job with the opening scenes depicting a mare facing a truly horrible fate and the toll it is taking upon both her and her love. Just as good is the second part where we watch as Discord debates with himself over his own nature, why this task is important, and what it means for him as a being of chaos. Nicely written and emotionally impactful; I can think of no reason not to recommend this.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Death by Dragon
127,164 Words
By Compendium of Steve
Requested by Pyro The Reader
In the eyes of Princess Twilight Sparkle, no sin is more heinous and foul than the overdue library book. Such a treacherous crime must be punished efficiently and ruthlessly. To that end, she has her Vanguard, the Fetcher. With trusty sword in hand and sunglasses ever perched upon his snout, Spike goes where she bids, delivering swift capital punishment to the wicked.
You read that right, folks. This is a story in which Spike serves as Twilight’s executioner, traveling around Equestria dispensing ‘justice’ via sword because of overdue library books. Sound ridiculous? Good, because it is. That’s kinda the point.
This is what I like to call a “fight dump”. Almost every chapter is Spike going up against another overpowered foe, usually because of some book-related crime. Even before I saw the author acknowledge it, I knew this was meant to parody action video games. Everything from Spike’s attire, weapon, right down to his shouting the name of his “special attacks” scream video game treatment. If you pay attention, you can even detect some video game mechanics behind how and why things happen, including him being able to miraculously heal severe injuries in a day or two or, my personal favorite, mighty floating bosses conveniently creating platforms for the protagonist to leap about on instead of using those divine powers to just, y’know, rip Spike limb from limb. If you’re familiar with over-the-top action games like Bayonetta, Asura’s Wrath, and Killer is Dead (I think the last one is the primary influence, going by the final chapter), then you’ll instantly recognize what’s going on.
CoS makes sure to slam this home as early as possible; the first fight is against an old lady in a rocking chair magically duel-wielding chainsaws. It’s stupid, but I’d be lying through my teeth if I told you it wasn’t a lot of fun.
As an aside, I couldn't stop seeing Spike looking like pia-sama’s depiction, i.e.:
CoS made it abundantly clear that this is not what he looks like, depicting him as being rather short and skinny, but I couldn’t help it. pia-sama has forever spoiled my image of what adult Spike should look like.
Back to the story: it’s not all nonsense and silliness. The underlying story is actually quite serious. Rarity as a prostitute, Applejack a die-hard capitalist, Rainbow AWOL, Pinkie Pie a hyperviolent warrior. The Crystal Empire annihilated, Celestia as a tyrant, Twilight obsessed with Order and rules, and Luna becoming isolated and bitter. You can probably see where this is going. Spike can, too, and beneath all the epic battles of nonsensical proportions is a young dragon suffering from severe past traumas, some inflicted upon him by those who were once his best friends. The underlying story is dark and, in my opinion, exactly the extra spice something like this needs. Without it, this would be nothing but a bunch of fight scenes lacking any purpose. That would have grown old after a while. Actually, it still does, but the added sublayer of plot helps a lot.
If I had to be critical about anything, it’s that the story never rectifies the biggest problem. Spike acknowledges who is responsible for the current state of affairs but then, strangely, never bothers to deal with it. The supposed true villain of the piece (called it, by the way) doesn’t even get a slap on the wrist! So why is the ending suggesting that things are going to be okay from now on?
Oh. Right. Sequel. That’s why.
I enjoyed this one. I’m sure I didn’t recognize half the references being made, but I’m familiar enough with these kinds of games that I was entertained regardless. The fights are epically and decently written and the story underlining it all isn’t all that bad considering it exists to serve the fighting. If you want to see Spike being a badass with plenty of cameos and the occasional bit of good humor thrown in (I’m looking at you, Big McIntosh), this will be right up your alley.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Children of Equestria
43,918 Words
By Samey90
Sequel to Sleepless and Manehattan Blues
After three year doing hard time in an Equestrian prison for juveniles, Babs Seed has finally been released. With nothing to her name and a family that doesn’t want her, she decides to live with her cousins at Sweet Apple Acres. Maybe, if she’s lucky, she can turn her life around.
After ten years of living in a mental hospital, Diamond Tiara has been deemed of sound enough mind to return to normal life. She is no longer “The Sleepless Killer” that murdered her classmates. So long as she keeps taking her meds…
This is much more like it. In this story we see career criminal Babs and infamous serial killer Diamond meet and try to bond over their individual disastrous pasts. We’ve also got the CMC playing their roles, including Scootaloo as a rookie member of the Royal Guard, Sweetie Belle as a rising star in the music industry, and Apple Bloom trying to trust Babs and Diamond not to fall into old habits. Told entirely from Diamond’s and Babs’ perspectives, the story begins with a certain soft tension. You can tell that the overstressed young women are just one screwup away from doing something everypony will regret.
Then you get the catalysts; the murder of a former friend and an act of revenge by a mare whose fury has been festering for a decade.
This is easily the best story in this series I’ve read so far. It provides an endless tension as two very different mares struggle to do the right things for themselves. Babs is a consummate and habitual liar with zero faith in anypony other than herself. Diamond is determined to be an upstanding citizen but is dependent entirely on medication to keep from going on another murder spree. When the two end up working together, alone, for a long period of time, their individual issues lead to a tightrope walk where they both want to help each other but also can’t trust one another. How long before Babs decides to throw Diamond away to save her own skin? At what point will Diamond lose her fight with the voices in her head and try to murder Babs?
And then there’s the underlying question that Scootaloo is determined to answer: who really committed a murder scant days after these two came back to Ponyville?
I enjoyed this one quite a bit. It had some odd quirks that I’m obligated to point out, such as how the writing handles articles and verbs in strange ways that don’t feel natural. Even stranger is that the solution to the original murder that kicks everything off seems unrelated to Babs’s and Diamond’s overarching story. Yet I consider these small potatoes to the down-to-earth, heavy story on display here.
I suppose I should warn that this is not a “happy” story. Yet if you’ve already read (or seen my reviews for) Sleepless and Manehattan Blues, you likely were expecting that. At any rate, this was a dark and emotional roller coaster that made the harshness of Sleepless and the outright sadistic nature of Manehattan Blues (kinda) worth the investment.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Elektrichka — Worth It
Sleepless — Worth It
Manehattan Blues — Worth It
Thirsty — Needs Work
Stories for Next Week:
Swooping Pegasus by FenrisianBrony
Friendship is Optimal by Iceman
Six Best Friends Play Diplomacy by DagaYemar
Rarity Visits Sunset Shimmer at 4 a.m. by Soufriere
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Huh. Didn't realize Conversion Bureau was so different from its genre. Neat.
5619976
Most of the tropes people associate with TCB come, if I remember right, from Chatoyance's fics. I'm pretty sure she introduced the tyrant celestia and the expanding field that destroyed everything earthly (though, for reasons of her own, she didn't see either as a bad thing). If she didn't introduce them, then she certainly ran far with that concept.
5619982
Huh. The more you know, I suppose.
I recall this one. There was a Lunaverse version as well.
Back then I couldn't English even more than now
I honestly forgot that part...
5619956
So I guess Children of Planet Earth will get the review as well...
Oooh, boy, The Conversion Bureau. I never understood why it'd become such a massive lightning-rod in the early days of the fandom, when there were so many other stories that are edgier, preachier, weirder, more saccharine, and/or generally worse.
I've tried multiple times to read the whole thing myself, and always had to tap out early because I found it more unendurably boring than entertaining or even offensive. The Conversion Bureau will, for me at least, always be "The story where a whiny, milquetoast Millennial engages in an ultimately oddly simple medical/legal proceeding, and marvels with his whiny, milquetoast friends at things that we (having watched the show) already know about". It has things in it that usually annoy me- mopey, half-baked philosophizing on the human condition; magic being restricted to unicorns; Equestria being portrayed as this pure realm of childlike innocence; a borderline Gary Stu- but I can't even muster the usual ire.
I do agree with you that it was probably the work of a very young and/or inexperienced writer. In addition to all the evidence you outlined, its "wow, people suck, I'm going to go into my room and listen to my Panic! At The Disco CD and not provide any concrete examples!" messaging has a decidedly teenage flavor about it; all the moreso because the author seems to lose some of their vitriol and walk it back halfway through.
I've also noticed that a lot of young and/or inexperienced writers, after they grow out of the earliest phase of complete incoherence, overcompensate by writing down everything that happens to the protagonist whether it's interesting or not, in the mistaken belief that scene shifts or summary are always bad. That certainly seems to be the case here.
None of this really explains why it attracted the controversy it did, though- maybe the Chatoyance 'fics really do just have that more presence compared to the original?
I continue to be amazed that so many good authors took The Conversion Bureau and crafted so many good stories out of it. That is just such a horrible place to start anything from, and yet it's endured.
5619993
Indeed, I reviewed it a few weeks ago.
You forgot about the murder that kicked the entire story off? Like, at the time of writing or since then?
5619995
Yeah, that's all pretty accurate. One does have to wonder if the big hooplah over it is due to the story itself or due to the "fan works" (to be generous) behind it.
5619997
That is kind of fascinating, now that you bring it up. The Conversion Bureau is not a good story, and yet, somehow, it created something so much bigger.
5620206
Since then. It's been a while.
5620226
Perfectly understandable.
Welp. Merry Christmas, Paul. Hope you're enjoying the cool 80 degree weather. At least, that's how it is in Houston. Here's hoping we don't get a white Christmas in February, again.
5620503
Yeah, Louisiana's no better. Although I wouldn't mind a February snowfall again. Merry Christmas!