Paul's Thursday Reviews CCLIX · 6:52pm Jul 29th, 2021
In movies, stories, games, and even commercials, you always hear about that young couple so happy to find their ‘dream home’. These things never tell you what it took to get that home. They don’t show you how big a decision it is.
I for one am a bundle of nerves as I prepare to go meet with the home inspector. Was I too fast to grab this home? Maybe I should have waited for a better one. What if there’s something wrong the inspector misses? What if I live in it for six months only to discover I hate it? What if the neighborhood isn’t as nice as it seems? Was it really a good idea to pick a place that’s further from the office? What if I lose my job right after purchase? I have no idea how to maintain a home, what if I miss something important? The closing costs for this place are going to clean me out, what the heck will I do if some costly disaster hits before I’ve recovered some savings?
People know me as the laid-back, don’t-have-any-fucks-to-give type. I tend not to worry too much. But I have to admit, I'm kinda Twilighting right now.
From now on when I see a commercial or a scene in a story that depicts someone buying a home and being oh-so thrilled about it, I’m going to jab my finger at the screen and cry “Lies!” But you know, isn’t that typical of stories in general? There’s always the fantasy involved, and the fantasy is sort of the point. Does this mean that if I ever write about someone buying a house I’ll be sure to clarify the little things? Eh, maybe. Depends on the story, the character, the situation. Sometimes it’s just not something the reader needs to know.
I don’t really have a point to all this. It’s just the thing that’s on my mind right now.
Unrelated: I’m thinking about calling on some pre-readers for BPH early. I’ve still got one major story arc left to write, but I’m looking at the material and how much of it there is and how I want it to be handled and I’m thinking… maybe the first few chapters as a test run to this idea? Because I do have an idea. It’ll probably require a little bit of revision for each story arc, but given the situation with MLP BPH, it might just work out. I dunno, still thinking about it.
Let’s get to some reviews.
Stories for This Week:
Lez Ponies by FrozenPegasus
The way she moved by BlueSupernova
The Mage and the Filly Fair by Fahrenheit
The Farmer & The Mermaid by TheOneAJ
Manehattan Blues by Samey90
Total Word Count: 161,563
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 1
Pretty Good: 1
Worth It: 1
Needs Work: 2
None: 0
Lez Ponies
91,866 Words
By FrozenPegasus
Kate’s life was… Well, certainly not ‘normal’, but perhaps normal by her definition. Then she does something stupid and falls off a roof. Somehow, she lands in Equestria instead of hard concrete. Whether this is a blessing or not remains to be seen, especially considering every mare who sees her is desperately eager to get in her pants.
Let’s just get the elephant in the room out of the way right now: FrozenPegasus insists this is a comedy. The problem is that FrozenPegasus prefers a definition of “comedy” so antiquated that Rome was still an empire at the time the definition was considered acceptable, and that’s not an exaggeration. By this definition, you could argue Mother of Invention, Days of Wasp and Spider, and Carousel are comedies. But then, what should I expect from a self-insert purportedly about a Philosophy Major?
Don’t get me wrong, there are certainly some comedic bits. This story was intended, at least in the beginning, to be a HiE parody. That’s hard to argue when the first thing that happens in Equestria is our horrified protagonist running from a literal army of mares who all simultaneously want to pull her pants down to, er, “check its gender”. Totes the reason. Ignore the ropes.
The central premise of the story is that Kate is a lesbian magnet. Not just in that girls think she’s hot, but in that somehow, as if by magic, she’s spent her whole life running into lesbians or bisexual girls who are immediately and extremely turned on by her very presence. And when you’re in an Equestria with a female/male population ratio of roughly 10/1, that can cause some issues.
I know. I get it. You’re thinking “damn, this is blatant wish fulfillment. How dumb.”
But remember, this is a parody. The ridiculousness of the premise is the whole point.
Kate’s situation is well-handled despite this, to the point that it quickly stops becoming a, *ahem*, modern comedy and begins shifting into something more akin to a drama or tragedy. Kate keeps finding herself in worse and worse scenarios, starting with living with a Twilight Sparkle who find her very presence torturous, mistaking certain pegasus social cues with Rainbow Dash, getting caught up in Fluttershy’s unbearable kindness, having to face an Applejack trying to do the right thing, and… well, yeah, it’s just a constant spiral of trouble. I’ve barely scratched the surface, and what I did bring up I’ve kept vague because the actual problems are complicated, awkward, and not to be spoiled.
Then you get that ending, which is screaming loud and clear “this is about as far from a comedy as anyone who isn’t Aristotle expects.” It’s deep and philosophical (who saw that coming?) with serious, even damning repercussions for our protagonist. It also comes completely out of nowhere, blindsiding us due to a complete lack of foreshadowing. But then, the Dues Ex nature of it may be all part of the ‘parody’ bit.
My feelings were mixed throughout the story, some things really amusing me and others annoying. I loved the Trixie bits, but hated that they served no purpose whatsoever. The Applejack chapter was my favorite, but then it goes nowhere because of the whole Dues Ex thing getting in the way. Twilight was important for a while in cute and endearing ways but then she’s practically dropped like a hot potato for most of the rest of the story. It all feels like a winding mess with no direction. The ending manages to tie a lot of this together, making sense out of the nonsense, but there’s still the matter of getting there.
Overall, I look upon this one positively. It’s got a great number of excellent moments, and even the moments that weren’t stand out worked well. It did seem a bit muddled for a time, like the story wasn’t going anywhere specific – every time a major plot arc is picking up steam it gets sidelined to a new direction – yet the ending struck me as an excellent way to put it all together, even managing to deliver a few kicks to the feels. Especially that final scene with Twilight.
So yes, I enjoyed it. It’s different, but in a good way. It blends comedy and deep quandaries in a pleasant way, and I’m not sure I’ve ever read anything quite like it.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
The way she moved
2,023 Words
By BlueSupernova
Rarity is profoundly bored, and is spending her free time wandering Canterlot High after hours. Imagine her surprise when she stumbles upon the Street Dancing Club practicing with none other than Rarity’s crush, Sunset Shimmer, leading them. Rarity was never interested in doing something so… sweaty as street dancing, but damn if Sunset doesn’t make her want to try it.
The idea behind this story sparked my curiosity, and having gone through it the best way to summarize my feelings is: ouch. Sunset leading a dance club is more interesting than I would have expected, but BlueSupernova is woefully unprepared for this whole ‘writing’ thing.
Good because she was now not as busy as she usually was but that also lead to the bad thing which is since she had more time than shes used to she is becoming very bored and has reduced herself to just wandering the school halls after hours.
There was a lot more to it than that but Rarity was so entranced that she paid more attention the way Sunset moved that she didn't have the energy or the breath to explain the dance in better detail.
Not even during one of her panic creations for a fashion show was this tiring.
Again, ouch. At least now I know what is probably the main reason the story has so many downvotes. Granted, there are some weird things going on that probably added to the problem. Like how Sunset magically (or perhaps creepily) has dance clothes in Rarity’s size in her pack. Or how Sunset seems to think her being the head of the dance club is a secret, because somehow what club you’re in is supposed to be private? Or Rarity failing to “explain the dance in better detail” when she’s all by herself with nobody to explain anything to.
So yeah, neat idea and all, but more grammar and general writing knowhow is going to be needed to make it work.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
The Mage and the Filly Fair
7,742 Words
By Fahrenheit
Before Sunset was Celestia’s student – before she even had a cutie mark – she was met by a mysterious stallion who told her a prophecy. She can scarcely recall it, but that moment set her on her path. If only either of them had realized that she was going down the wrong path…
This is a revision of how and why Sunset left Equestria through the mirror. It’s not because she had a fight with Celestia. Instead, it’s because a certain well-known time-travelling wizard with a beard made a mistake and thought she was prophesied to save Equestria. We get to watch as Sunset devotes all her energies to fulfilling this prophecy, to the point that it steers her into the path of avoiding friendships and being the queen bitch we all know she’ll be.
The conclusion is a kick to the gut for her, and I must praise Fahrenheit’s ability to channel that emotional strain through the writing. You can easily feel Sunset’s devastation as she realizes that, no, she’s not the hero in this story.
It’s not all gloom and darkness. On the contrary, it starts lighthearted, with a filly Sunset barging her way into the throne room on a wild cloak hunt. I particularly enjoyed the scene where Sunset gets her cutie mark. I’m sure we’d all love to simply ask fate “what’s my destiny?” and poof, there it is. “Can’t make cutie marks happen with magic,” Twilight says. Pfft, amateur.
Sunset’s tendency to list out her desires as a mission statement was also endearing, especially when she firmly declares that victory is assured… except the one time it wasn’t, which made me smirk. It is a demonstration of Fahrenheit’s skill that they used that same trick, so cute before with a little filly, to slam the conclusion in our faces. I also really liked the use of tally marks to do a countdown; it wouldn’t surprise me if a lot of people missed that little detail, but it’s the kind of attention that lets me know this author was taking a lot into consideration.
“How Sunset left Equestria” has been done to death, but sometimes an author comes along and says “Here’s a different way”. I thoroughly enjoyed this one. It’s excellently crafted and deeply personal for Sunset, and even manages to avoid some of the more common tropes of the sub-genre. If you’ve read a lot of these kinds of stories, I recommend you try this one anyway. Fahrenheit knocked this one out of the park..
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Daring Do(esn't Need a Special Somepony) — WHYRTY?
Records of an Academy Disaster — WHYRTY?
Solitude for the Modern Businessmare — Pretty Good
The Farmer & The Mermaid
19,757 Words
By TheOneAJ
Applejack’s friends are trying to get her to date. Her family is trying to get her to do anything that isn’t being a farmer 24/7. She wishes they’d all mind their own business. She’s perfectly content to be single and work the farm, thank you very much! One of those positions might just shift when she notices something odd in the farm’s pond…
There’s a story behind this one. There was a brief period back in 2019-2020 in which mermaids had become the Big Thing for MLP fanart. My favorite RariJack artist, LooknamTCN, made a particularly lovely one that inspired me, and so I spent a few months developing a mermaid story that would eventually be Guppy Love. So imagine my surprise when, just ten days before the story was set to go public, TheOneAJ released The Farmer & The Mermaid, a story with a close-to-identical opening premise and using the exact same cover art.
At that point I knew that I would be reviewing this story. How could I not?
From what I’m seeing, this story is set in a world that is… shall we say “Equestria Girls-adjacent”? It feels the same in many ways, and yet is also different. There’s no hint of any magic, for one thing. Fluttershy and Sunset are absent entirely. It’s also not clear if they’re going to CHS or just some random local high school. So “Equestria Girls-adjacent”: possibly the real world, possibly more EqG with little changes.
The story begins as being about Applejack finding an injured Rarity in the farm’s pond and bringing her back to the farmhouse (or rather, the barn) to heal. No explanation is ever given as to how or why Rarity ended up in the pond. The subject does come up, but Rarity insists on being tight-lipped on it. The Need-to-Know crowd won’t be too pleased with that, I’m sure, and it’s easily the biggest elephant in the room.
The oddest part to me was when Rarity stopped being a mermaid. I get that it’s a trope for mermaids to be able to do this and I don’t hold it against the author for keeping that option available, but once Rarity became human… well, that was it. No more mermaid stuff for the rest of the story. They still talk about mermaid culture and issues Rarity had back when she was one, but all the challenges and potentially interesting exploration options are swept aside. I suppose that works for anyone looking for a simple story about two girls from different cultures falling in love, and I won’t begrudge them that pleasure. But for me, the most interesting thing about a story involving mermaids is that they’re mermaids.
Heck, there was this whole setup early on in which Applejack promised to let Apple Bloom Applebloom use the barn that weekend for a party, the same barn where a mermaid was being kept in secret! I was really looking forward to seeing some shenanigans where they try to keep that promise while also keeping Rarity hidden, which would be really tricky with them being the CMC and all and… and… And no, we’re just gonna make Rarity a human and forget all about this potentially interesting sequence of events. Boo.
There are still some potentially interesting challenges in there. For example, Rarity needs a place to sleep while being human and… well, they’re still trying to keep her existence a secret from the rest of the Apple Clan. Constantly sneaking about the farmhouse can make for some interesting moments, right? Plus there’s Rainbow constantly bugging AJ about the need to find a date, Trenderhoof being a creep (why do I keep seeing him depicted this way?), trying to keep Rarity’s true nature a secret, Big Mac’s own little secret, and so on. TheOneAJ has some decent enough ideas for keeping things interesting despite having removed the best one early on.
Alas, the story ends before it can capitalize on most of it. By the author’s own admission, they’d never figured out exactly where to take the story, so once Rarity and AJ confirm that they are a couple the story stops. It’s abrupt and leaves a ton of topics inconclusive. I suspect a lot of people will find the ending disappointing.
Where the story struggles most is in the writing itself. It’s at its worst in the beginning, but the issues never really stop. A few choice examples:
Minutes passed, to which Applejack was sure there wasn’t going to be a response.
A response to… uh… time passing?
Yet, when a good ten minutes passed by, and no person had come out, Applejacks impatience came to an end.
So she was impatient, but now she’s patient?
The way he empathized, self, made Applejack’s skin shiver.
This is not how you use commas, author. Come to think of it, this story struggles with punctuation from beginning to end.
Those are just the quirks in the writing. Here’s something really bad:
And I’d like to remind you all again about everything said above, and please, for the love of god, if you’re a guy, I don’t care how worked up you are, but don’t say this to a girl, especially if you did know what he had;
For the love of Luna, author, don’t do this. Unless it’s a gimmick that makes up a major element of the overarching story’s style, do not try to directly communicate with the audience. It’s not clever, it doesn’t improve things, it doesn’t make the scene more interesting. It just screams “I have no idea what I’m doing”. This happens three or four times throughout, and each time it throws away what immersion there was and pulls readers out of the story.
Similar issues can be had in the author’s notes. There’s even one chapter in which the TheOneAJ decides to do a “previously on” segment as though this were some Saturday morning cartoon. I get that the time between chapters was long, but I am wholeheartedly opposed to this. It might be fine when the chapter first comes out, but years later when I’m reading everything in short order? It’s worthless to the point of annoying.
Then there are the odd plot issues. Rarity is a mermaid, so she lives all her life underwater. And yet, somehow, when she gets a cut on her tail it fails to heal and even gets infected because it’s… wet all the time? What? How is that supposed to work? Are we seriously suggesting that every merfolk who gets injured is doomed to die of infection if they can’t somehow get out of the depths of the ocean in time? How in Luna’s name didn’t the entire race die out centuries ago? At the very least this would mandate that they always be on or near the shore for self-preservation, which makes it inevitable that they’d be common knowledge.
Also, Applejack used her sweatband to “wrap” the wound. Her sweatband. That she’s been wearing while doing farm work.
Then Rarity is put in a tub in the barn and they both completely forget that the only thing binding her infected injury is a dirty sweatband. It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s not like it could get any worse, we’ll just leave it that way.
And now Rarity’s not a mermaid and her injury is magically gone!
Applejack and Rainbow are apparently Time Lords able to be in two places at once. There’s a scene where AJ tells Rarity to go do something, then grabs Rainbow and walks her behind an arcade machine to talk. She then whispers something to Rarity, grabs Rainbow, and walks her behind a different arcade machine to talk. No joke, this literally happens back-to-back. No wonder Rarity was so confused!
This kind of story is exactly why I stopped doing chapter-by-chapter commentary. In my early days I would have ripped this story to pieces one scene at a time with every chapter read. People tended not to appreciate my commentary back in those days and, looking back, I don’t blame them.
At any rate, TheOneAJ has some potentially good ideas here. There was a lot they could have done with the whole mermaid bit alone. Alas, it ended far too early to make this anything more than a brief OTP romance, and the struggling writing and grammar seals its fate in terms of its placement in my bookshelves. It’s not so much that the story is bad as it is the author wasn’t fully prepared for the concept. It may have something for the hopeless romantics out there, but those seeking a more complete, rounded story may be disappointed. Grammar nazis should keep well away.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Manehattan Blues
40,175 Words
By Samey90
Sequel to Sleepless
Babs Seed was born and raised in Manehattan.
Manehattan has a habit of turning fillies like Seed into monsters.
Set seven years (if I recall correctly) after Diamond Tiara’s murderous rampage in Sleepless, this story has no direct relation to its predecessor. It depicts Babs as an underage career criminal, her actions including robbery, prostitution and murder. But when the story begins, she’s only got two of those things under her metaphorical belt.
This is about as miserable a tale as it gets. It’s all about watching Babs’s world collapsing around her, and Samey90 refuses to play nice with the readers or the characters. Terrible things are going to happen, there’s no such thing as plot armor, and we get to see it in all its torturous, er… ‘glory’. Diamond Tiara’s story was rough, but this is sadistic. I’ve nothing against sadistic. I was interested in the events from beginning to end, always curious to know what would happen next and how or even if Babs would get out of her current situation (in case you haven’t figured it out yet, “if” is a legitimate point with this author).
I also appreciate how the events were written. One sure sign of a bad story is that it takes the time to detail every little thing that happens. In other words, torture porn. I do not consider this story to be torture porn, because in my mind that requires excrutiating, unnecessary detail. Samey90 insteads gives us just enough to know something is happening, preferring to stay well within the confines of Babs’s head, which makes every moment simultaneous more palatable and yet also more emotional. This is, in my opinion, the best way to handle these kinds of scenes. It was certainly effective here.
The problem I have is the messaging. What point was Samey90 trying to make? Was there a point at all? Is it just to demonstrate that life is shitty for poor ponies? Is it meant to be a message about this version of Equestria? Is it a political statement? Did Samey90 just want to write about a pony going through hell and coming out the worse for it? I have no idea. I want to give this author the benefit of the doubt, but it’s hard to do when there seems to be no tangible theme other than “Babs’s life sucks”. I worry this opaqueness will alienate a lot of readers – although I’m sure the brutality of the events will do that just fine already.
One aspect I am happy for is the return to form. In Sleepless, all the horror came from Diamond Tiara being a sick, twisted filly. Samey90 did a great job making real life feel traumatic. Then that other sequel, Thirsty, came along and ruined all that by randomly throwing in eldritch monstrosities for no apparent reason. So I’m glad that Manehattan Blues stuck to the same elements as Sleepless by again demonstrating that perfectly normal, non-supernatural ponies are horrifying enough on their own.
If you’re interested in reading this, let me warn you now that every single one of those red tags is well-earned (for a specific definition of “well”). This is a cruel story and Samey90 pulls no punches.You’ve got to have guts to finish this one. I’m not sure how to feel about it overall; I acknowledge the author’s talent at making an evocative, hard-hitting tale, but I find it hard to justify such a tale without any clear underlying purpose to it. Perhaps Samey90 can explain the intention themselves when this review goes public.
For now, all I can say is to read this at your own risk.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Elektrichka — Worth It
Sleepless — Worth It
Thirsty — Needs Work
Stories for Next Week:
Spark Visions of Twilight by Tangerine Blast
Love Is Patient by Bico
Sprinkles! by FictionFreek
Caper by AugieDog
Besides the Will of Evil by Jetfire2012
Wingover by LuminoZero
Pinkie's Pizza-Hut Propensity by RhetCon
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I see… one day I’ll be a decent author with the ability to grammar -/-
More comments on your review later ^^’
Well, interesting how over the seven years since this story was written I shifted towards lighter stuff. Guess I was trying to find my limits with this one (and I think I did – I don't think I ever wrote anything more cynical than this one).
Don't read Moonwing, then. Seriously, this series ends definitely at Children of Equestria and Moonwing is a completely unnecessary sequel I shouldn't have written. It's The Last Jedi of the whole verse.
Good luck with the house, Paul!
I know that home-buying panic all too well, particularly since I'm going through it right now as well
5561688
Don't feel too discouraged. This kind of thing takes practice, as we all know.
5561698
Well now you have me interested in this whole Moonwing thing.
I don't think that using magical/supernatural elements makes a story bad, mind you. What got to me with Thirsty was how it all felt realistic and down-to-earth (as much as an MLP story can) only to do a complete 180 at the very end. Had it been focused on the supernatural from the beginning I wouldn't have been so negatively affected.
5561783
Thanks, I might need it.
5561961
ORLY? Then good luck with it!
It certainly doesn't help that the housing market and the economy are the way they are right now. The 'real' side of buying a home or land in general would be interesting for a story though.
5562069
True, although I wonder if you could make it compelling if it were "just" about that? Might have to add something else in there to make it appropriately dramatic.
Ah-ha! The CMC all grown up deciding to buy their first house... together. Queue conflict of what they each want plus what they can afford plus a frustrating housing market. Sounds like a fun story to me.
5562021
No no! I thank you for th honest review ^^’
Was more a me at the time not in the best space of mind thing 😓
Still, maybe better luck with my other mermaid story 😛