Paul's Thursday Reviews CCLXII · 8:48pm Aug 19th, 2021
Before anything else: AuroraDawn is holding a Rainbow Factory-themed contest that is, surprisingly, not obligated to be centered on horror (although I expect 90% of the entries to wind up that way). Take a look if you're interested.
No reviews next week, folks. Break time.
So yesterday I finally got back to work on the Guppy Love originalfication. That’s been on the backburner for months while I tried to get BPH 2 finalized, but now that I’m turning BPH 2 into a bunch of short stories I find I have time for other projects. The first BPH 2 short (er, medium?) is still my major priority ATM, but once it’s done GL will be my focus.
I’ve had a few people ask me about this in the past. What should the expectation be, how close will it be to the FIMFiction version, am I just copying the old story and changing names? After much consideration and looking at what I’ve already done, I’ve decided to take the extreme route and rewrite the whole thing from scratch. Oh, many elements will be the same: it’s still “Applejack”, she’ll still have the same family, “Rarity” is still the mermaid, and so on. But with some of the changes I want to make and how I want this to deviate from being just a fanfiction made not, I figure a general overhaul is appropriate. Plus it's more fun for me, as it makes the story feel new.
As I resume this work, I can’t help thinking about my other interests. We all know I’m hoping to make BPH into an original fiction variant, and I have some interesting ideas for that. What I don’t think I’ve mentioned before is that there are other stories I’m considering for the same treatment. Frequency is ripe for an originalfication variant; the potential to go full science fiction and make the ‘science’ more realistic is a great draw. The Gentle Nights: Audience of One could make a great high fantasy romance and Trixie vs. Equestria (minus the oversized worldbuilding) could make for a nice adventure. Let’s not forget The Silence, which I could greatly condense into a proper horror mystery. I could even turn What is Missing, What is Lost into an adventure.
I haven’t even gotten into my ideas for original fiction stories that aren’t fanfiction rewrites, of which I have many.
So many options, so little time.
No point here, it’s just what’s on the mind. How about some reviews?
Stories for This Week:
Her Frontier by FromTheMoon
She Knows How To Treat A Lady by MysteriousStranger
Red Apples by billymorph
Freeport Venture: Auction Night by Chengar Qordath
Lows And Highs by Soufriere
Total Word Count: 160,583
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 2
Worth It: 1
Needs Work: 1
None: 1
Her Frontier
92,923 Words
By FromTheMoon
Rainbow Dash is miserable. The Wonderbolts have been disbanded, her friendship with Princess Twilight is in shambles, and it seems her adventuring days are over. She misses being a hero, fighting bad guys, and not being bored all the time. When Applejack invites her to a small frontier town to meet some distant cousins, Rainbow agrees in the hopes that it will aid against the monotony.
Yeouch. This story was a pain to read, such that after a time I started skimming and focusing on the dialogue. The primary element of it is Rainbow moving to the frontier town of EverGlade. If that capital G confuses you, it gets worse: Applejack is now Apple Jack, Ponyville is PonyVille, and Cloudsdale is CloudsDale. Those are the examples I recall off the top of my head. Considering this was written in 2019, there’s zero excuse for this other than FromTheMoon couldn’t be bothered to check.
Oh, yes, I know. I’m being needlessly picky.
How about a single paragraph having three speakers at the same time?
To put it simply, the writing of this story is an unmitigated mess. There’s no end to missing words, statements that don’t mean what the author clearly meant (or anything at all), and questionable punctuation. The dialogue is ceaselessly forced and unrealistic. Not only is the narrative also forced, it’s any combination of repetitive, telly, confusing, overly direct, simple, or devoid of atmosphere. FromTheMoon is in desperate need of a good, patient editor.
Then you get to the plot elements, which are nonsensical at best. Okay, so Rainbow is bored. Does she honestly think that living on a dairy farm in a town even smaller than PonyvillePonyVille is going to be an improvement? Granted, there’s a saboteur in the area, but what about when they deal with him?
The main villain’s scheme is to own and/or destroy the town of EverGlade so that he can mine a dangerous, mind-controlling mineral from the area. Uh, why? I mean, you don’t need to own a town to mine the area around the town. Just buy some prospecting rights (you are a wealthy restaurateur, after all), dig up enough to brainwash the town, and BOOM, job done, and you didn’t have to look suspicious while doing it. Onward to Canterlot!
Rainbow is living with this guy Top Notch, developing a romantic relationship with him while working on his ranch. Then he finds out that she came to town looking for a little excitement in her life and… and… He breaks up with her. What? How in the name of Luna is this supposed to be a problem? “How dare you keep such a big secret from me?!” Big secret? Being bored in her old town is a “big secret”? What is wrong with this guy? Worse, Rainbow is acting like it really is some damning revelation, as if the entire relationship is doomed because she never told him something so mundane.
How about that sheriff? He sees Rainbow Dash and Top Notch preventing the destruction of the town’s primary water supply, and he reacts by calling them total failures and accusing Rainbow of being up to no good.
Then when a pony in town dies, he throws Top Notch in jail and calls him the primary witness. Why? No reason. No, seriously, there is no reason. He openly admits to having no evidence. But everypony else in town has an alibi, so he’s just going to assume Top Notch is guilty despite having not interrogated him yet, meaning he didn’t even ask the guy for an alibi before assuming guilt and throwing him in jail.
Only to let him go two minutes later because “he could see by the look in his eye that he was innocent.” How in Celestia’s name did this guy ever get a badge?
How about when Top Notch’s best friend spreads a rumor that he and Rainbow are in a relationship? Is this supposed to be the worst thing ever? According to FromTheMoon, it’s the worst thing ever. It’s such a terrible crime that it ends their relationship forever. Never mind the many years of close friendship without a single issue, or how there were plenty of reasons to suspect they were a couple, or the fact that it ended up true. You spread an innocent rumor about your friend and suddenly you’re a villain and a monster.
Princess Twilight Motherbucking Sparkle is so weak that she can’t defeat a single perfectly normal unicorn, who openly admits being her inferior, in a one-on-one duel.
“Rainbow Dash, I love you and you love me. So now you have to leave. No real reason, the author just wants to add some melodrama at the end of the story, so yeah, I need you to move back to Ponyville.”
“My coltfriend has been kidnapped! I’m going to spend the next ten minutes being defeated by my own angst, lying on the ground and being miserable for the sake of melodrama and oh okay nevermind I’m fine now let’s go kick villain butt.”
I’ve barely scratched the surface, folks. Horrible writing, a nonsensical plotline, and two-dimensional villains. There’s nothing going for it, nothing at all. The best I can say about this one is that I’m glad I’m past it.
Bookshelf: None
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
She Knows How To Treat A Lady
44,050 Words
By MysteriousStranger
Penniless, homeless, and her career in shambles, Trixie finds herself once again in Ponyville. Needing medical attention and caught in a storm, she stops at the first recognizable place she comes across: the Carousel Boutique. Despite the past, Rarity finds it within herself to shelter the unicorn. You know where it’s going from here.
If you’re not crying, you’re a robot! D:
Well, someone certainly has a high opinion of their own storytelling skills.
I decided to try this one specifically because of the ship it presented, which is uncommon enough to warrant a little extra attention. Alas, MysteriousStranger’s writing and storytelling abilities were nowhere near up to the task with this one. There are so many issues that I’m not sure where to begin or if I have the time or interest to address them all. I have to admit that I started skimming the narrative and focusing on the dialogue.
There are all sorts of issues with the writing alone. There are a ton of phrases that don’t mean what MysteriousStranger (and their “secret pre-reader”, apparently) thinks they do, like the one time it was revealed all the Mane 6 share the same physical heart, or how Trixie is trying to learn some mysterious concept called “costrue” (pretty sure they meant couture). Punctuation is also an issue, though not as significant a one.
The writing is painfully direct to the point of making things unrealistic. This is especially true with the dialogue, where ponies state the obvious as if it were somehow an important revelation intended to make a scene more… uh… atmospheric, I guess? Resultantly, the dialogue is as forced and unbelievable as it can be. Also, adjectives are not this author’s friend, despite their attempts to make it so by overwhelming abundance. There are so many -ly words in this thing, they almost rival the LUS; I’m not sure how many white unicorns and magician ponies and farm ponies I saw in this story, but there are a lot. There’s even a regularly recurring “bookworm pony”, which is a new monstrosity on its own.
And then there are the plot issues. Take Rarity’s interest in Trixie, which has zero bearing in reality. Trixie lazes about the boutique, taking up residence on the couch, being consistently rude and crude if not outright mean. Somehow, this leads to Rarity crushing on the mare in less than 24 hours. Yes, Trixie does eventually “change” and become a better pony, but Rarity’s crush starts before those changes are even hinted at, and I’m left questioning if she just happens to be attracted to jerks.
It’s the middle of the night and Rarity’s preparing for bed. Oh, look, the guy who sold Trixie the Alicorn Amulet just so happens to be relocating his shop to just across the street, what a perfectly believable and not-at-all contrived coincidence! So Rarity does what any normal person would do in such a scenario and goes galloping (yes, galloping) outside to see what he’s selling despite being closed because clearly this is too important to wait until morning.
They’ve been dating two-and-a-half months and it’s going beautifully! No problems, no arguments, just a mutually enjoyable time of romantic bliss. And then Rarity makes one insignificant little mistake (and I mean insignificant) and BOOM, it’s break-up time and Trixie has no friends and she might as well leave Ponyville to boot!
Twilight and Fluttershy are dating…
”I think we are ready for the next level.”
“R-Really? Twilight, I don’t know...”
“Do you love me, Fluttershy?”
Damn, Twilight. Way to manipulate a fragile pony’s feelings in order to get some plot.
But my favorite element is the reveal of just how the Changelings defeated all the Mane 6 and princesses in Season Six. Oh, no, MysteriousStranger never says as much, but literally every pony Trixie ever wronged (for a certain definition of “wronged”) sees her having a sad face and instantly conclude that she’s honest and trying to change and needs to be forgiven! Because that’s literally the only thing that matters: you look sad. What? Faking it? No way, ponies can’t fake that. You’re just being mean. Look at Trixie’s sad face, look at it! Stop being mean and trust her. The sad face is all the evidence we need!
I can just see a bunch of changelings going to each of the Mane 6 and the princesses with long, sad faces and saying “we’ve changed, please teach us friendship!” while holding ropes and horn rings behind their backs. If it’s this easy for Trixie...
As you’ve no doubt gathered, I didn’t get much out of this. I spent my four days reading it more exasperated than anything. But there is a potential good side to all of this: it’s one of MysteriousStranger’s earliest stories, having been released waaay back in 2013. Their most recent story, My Chemical Reaction, is on my list to read and is a solid five years younger. That’s plenty of time to improve as an author, and I’ll be looking out for such improvements. But as for this story? Eh...
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Red Apples
3,891 Words
By billymorph
Applejack offers Princess Luna an apple. She’s never seen its like before. And that’s just the beginning of her problems…
Set immediately after the defeat of Nightmare Moon, this story shows Luna in her first few moments of freedom as the sheer weight of the changes of a thousand years begin crashing down on her. Everything around her is so preposterously different and it is beyond overwhelming. And through it all, Celestia is there to try and ease her through it with… occasional success.
Luna adjusting to modern times is not even remotely a new idea, but I can safely say this is the first story I’ve read to address it so directly and so immediately upon her return. The end result is something that is at times distressing, but comes out as a lovely moment between sisters. I loved the constant references to a past that no longer exists and how billymorph used that as a means of properly relating Luna’s growing anxiety. I was concerned that Celestia’s method of cheering Luna up would backfire spectacularly, and I’m still not sure I buy into the fact that it didn’t, and yet I’m willing to handwave that in approval of a much-needed good result.
I wave my wand of approval over this one. If you love Luna or want to see some royal sibling friendshipping, by all means take part.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Jet Powered Pegasus — Pretty Good
Tick — Worth It
Freeport Venture: Auction Night
16,539 Words
By Chengar Qordath
Sequel to The Freeport Venture
If there’s anypony Sunset Shimmer, Magus of Freeport, doesn’t want to work with, it’s the EIS, especially if they send Strumming Heartstrings as their representative. Still, they are offering a substantial bag of bits for her services, and they are asking her to get her hooves on a ridiculously dangerous piece of ancient history…
Essentially, Sunset’s least favorite pony in the world is paying her to go to an auction and not just win a learner’s guide for black magic, but also stay alive afterwards long enough to hand it over to the EIS. The first part is easy since Equestria is footing the bill. The second part? Not so much.
I still enjoy this depiction of Sunset Shimmer. She’s proud and grumpy and isn’t inclined to take shit from others. She’s also a brilliant mage who regularly demonstrates her talent for getting out of sticky situations via resourcefulness and at least trying not to be predictable. This story is yet another great example of this.
But there are other things coming to light in this story besides Sunset being awesome-if-prickly. For one, she’s learned that Princess Celestia might be looking for a new student, and oh, she don’t like that idea one bit. Even better, at least for me, is the presence of Fancy Pants and Fleur de Lis as rival auction attendants. Those who know my bibliography will be aware that I’ve long seen them as more than “that one superrich Canterlot noble and his fashion model trophy wife.” Rather, my depiction had them as a war hero and a super spy, respectively. So seeing someone else depict them as able to do things other than be charming and pretty, also respectively, pleases me.
Granted, that’s 100% subjective, but it still wins points for treating them differently from the norm.
I’m not sure if Chengar had a specific goal with this one. Were they trying to introduce Fancy and Fleur for later? Was it to seed the awareness that Sunset’s “replacement”, to use a term she would be very unhappy with, is imminent? Did they just want to show Sunset in another trying situation? Or perhaps they wanted Strumming to have a moment. I have no idea. If there’s anything I am bothered by, it’s this. What was this author trying to set up with this story?
Whatever the case, my money is on the villain of the piece making a return. Come on, guys, you don’t get to be this good without having a backup plan for apparent inevitable death, and the method of this villain’s defeat is a notoriously impermanent method of demise. You should know better, Strumming. Eh, who am I kidding, she probably does and just isn’t saying anything.
I enjoyed the story and have every intention of reading the others, although I will note that I didn’t come away from this as entertained as I was for the others. I think that has everything to do with not seeing how this may or may not connect to the bigger picture. Still, it’s got more Sunset and more Strumming, and that’s all I really need.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
A Moment in the Sun — WHYRTY?
Freeport Venture: Blood and Iron — WHYRTY?
The Freeport Venture — Pretty Good
Freeport Venture: More Equal than Others — Pretty Good
Lows And Highs
3,180 Words
By Soufriere
Sequel to Night Of Faded Sun
When Sunset Shimmer fails to show up at school for a week straight and doesn’t return any attempts at contact, Rarity (once again) proves herself Best Human by going to pay her a visit.
In the prior story we watched as Sunset Shimmer succumbed to a deep depression she seemed incapable of getting out of on her own. Now we watch as Rarity takes it upon herself to help the girl recover. There’s not much more to it than that, but it didn’t need to be anything else.
I’d like to add something more. A criticism, some kind of praise over a certain aspect of the storytelling, even just pointing out a specific scene I especially liked. Nothing comes to mind. That’s not a knock against the story. It’s just that it’s short, it does exactly what it needs to do, and then it’s done. One might argue that this makes the story plain, and I wouldn’t be in a position to debate them.
But for being such a simple story about someone trying to help a friend get over such a heavy hurdle, I am satisfied. Plus looking forward to the next story in the series. I’d like to see how Rarity pulls off this complete turnaround.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Sasha — Pretty Good
Highs and Lows — Pretty Good
Night Of Faded Sun — Pretty Good
A Midsummer Day's Quest — Worth It
Stories for Next Week:
Hypothesis: Smooch by AFanaticRabbit
Roll for Initiative by Prak
Equestria’s Changeling Princesses and the Kinsbane by vren55
Silver Dawn by Summer Knight
The Two Who Know by taterforlife
Missing Harmony by Razor Blade the Unicron
Letters by Slateblu1
At the Start of a Good Day by Summer Knight
The Blinded by thatonecoffeemachine
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Good reviews!
Re: writing projects, why don't you choose the one you want to write the most , like the one you cannot live without and then just try it and see if you enjoy it a month down the line? If you still do, then stick with it.
Often I find that for writing you need to find if you can stick with it/love it and at that point you found the one you're looking for. If you can't you need to accept that maybe that particular project is causing you more grief than pain.
Also oh balls, I'm next. And yes I am needlessly panicking :P
5571234
I'm not even trying to choose a writing project right now. I only listed them out because I felt like letting people know these ideas existed at all. I've been at this for long enough and had enough failures due to lack of interest that the entire subject is rather old hat for me.
It'll probably be a couple months before I finish one of the ongoing projects, anyway. I've not exactly been writing at top speed these days.
5571528
Oof. It's good you are working on something though so yay :D
A thousand times this.
The only fanfiction stories of my own that I've considered rejiggering into original fiction conveniently haven't been written at all yet, so that makes things easier (maybe).
5572305
That does sound easier. I've had a number of ideas that I know could have worked for MLP but held back on them because I figure they'd work just as well or even better as OF.
5572341
Exactly. At this point I want any pony I write to bettered by its being a pony story. One big caveat there is I don’t know what I’d do with at 6k original short story
5572356
Make an anthology.
Or, if you're nutso like me, turn the shorts into novels.