Paul's Thursday Reviews CIX · 9:10pm Mar 22nd, 2018
Well, that was unexpected. Somehow, Good Morning, Cookie has managed to get into the Feature Box for the last… 48 hours? Something like that. I was not expecting this at all. The only reason I published it was because I wanted to maintain my ongoing ‘one story published per month’ streak. Not that I’m complaining, mind you, it’s just interesting. Mayhap more of my short stories will end up there.
In the meantime, I could use a little help. I was going to go to the Art for Fanfiction group for this, but then I remembered I’ve got this massive collection of followers that likely has some people with talent in it. So… the cover art for Bulletproof Heart is nearing completion. But the artist in question isn’t going to include the title, and for once I want that title included. This means I’ll need to get someone else to apply it. Does anyone out there have or know of someone who has the necessary skills and willingness to create a custom story title? I’m not talking about splashing some text across an image – heck, I could do that – I’m talking about a stylized custom creation. And yes, I am willing to pay for it.
It’ll be a couple months yet before BPH is ready for publication, so there’s no rush on getting this done, but I’d like to get started on this as soon as the artist finishes the main image. Suggestions would be most helpful.
Didn't do much writing this week. Considering I’ve been maintaining 2,000 words/day since the start of January, I felt like it was time for a break. I could feel myself burning out, y’know? So yeah, little progress these last few days. But I’m okay with that given I’m almost a month ahead of schedule in… well, everything.
Enough chit chat! Time for reviews. We’ve got a mixed slate this time, including one story that has strutted its way into my all-time favorites.
Stories for This Week:
Waiting for Adagio by Lonarion
Dashaloo Days and Scootabow Nights by RGLloyd
Flight of the Magpie by DuncanR
Vaguely Familiar. by Reptilicus
Daring Do & All of the Time in the World by The Princess Rarity
Sucker for a Cute Face by Eyeswirl the Weirded
Total Word Count: 393,357
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 2
Pretty Good: 1
Worth It: 1
Needs Work: 2
None: 0
Waiting for Adagio
2,775 Words
By Lonarion
It’s been a week since Adagio disappeared from the Siren’s apartment. A few days since Aria left. Sonata, now homeless, spends her days in the park. Sometimes she’s sitting in a tree watching for when Adagio comes home, and sometimes she’s roaming the park hoping to find some food. But it’s not a problem. Adagio will come back, and when she does, Sonata will never have to worry about food again.
This is another one of those stories that treats Sonata like a child with no idea of how the real world works. It goes beyond that, though; the story assumes Sonata doesn’t understand the most basic of concepts, concepts that even children can understand. It makes me wonder what she’s been doing in the last 1,000 years that she fails to grasp even the idea of money.
While I find the idea… a bit silly, there’s nothing funny about this story. It’s a sad piece about a girl whose future is uncertain, whose life is dependent on luck, and whose innocence is so complete she doesn’t even understand the nature of her situation. It’s a tough thing, seeing Sonata’s unflappable hope when her life is at rock bottom. I can’t help wondering how long it’s going to be before she realizes she’s been abandoned, what steps she’ll have to take to survive at that point, and if she’ll even have the mental faculties necessary to make them.
All in all, a solid story if you can bypass the inherent issues. It’s well written and gets into the childlike mind of Sonata with great effectiveness. If you’re interested in seeing a bit of sadfic, this is a pretty good way to go.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Dashaloo Days and Scootabow Nights
15,457 Words
By RGLloyd
In this bit of friendshipping fic, Rainbow Dash comes back from an unexpected weekend of hard Wonderbolts training to find Scootaloo was waiting all along to spend time with her. One thing leads to another, and Scoots ends up staying the evening with Rainbow. But Scootaloo is sending mixed messages. Rainbow can tell there’s something wrong, but not what, and it’s starting to make her wonder if she’s really cut out for this whole ‘big sister’ thing.
This is one of those stories for which I have nothing but praise for the concept, yet find myself cringing at the delivery. The style of the story is frustrating, from its eye-rolling Pokemon quotes to its poorly-written monologue paragraphs. Not a single chapter goes by without the author doing something obviously bad, be it multiple punctuation marks in a lone sentence, scenes leaning on dialogue like a crutch, or a chaotic narrative voice.
Despite these constant issues, I loved the story itself. It avoids the worst cliches of Scootasad fics by giving Scootaloo a home and making her the caretaker of a permanently crippled father while her mother spends all day and night working to pay the family’s bills. This is not a direction I’ve seen anyone take Scootaloo’s home situation, and I wholeheartedly approve. RGLloyd also shows great attention to character in how they deal with Rainbow’s behavior, not to mention the Twilight, Applejack, and Fluttershy cameos. Pinkie’s was… well, it’s clear that the author doesn’t get Pinkie’s character at all, but I’ll let that slide.
All in all, Dashaloo Days and Scootabow Nights is a touching, heartfelt story with an absolutely crummy delivery. If this author can learn from their mistakes and develop their writing, we could see some nice things in the future, which is exactly why I intend to read more of this author’s recent works. Maybe that’s already happened.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Flight of the Magpie
31,852 Words
By DuncanR
Recommended by paul
Y’know, you see a story with a title like that and your mind immediately jumps to conclusions. Conclusions involving airships and epic journeys of discovery or maybe a famous incident the world remembers forever. But in this case?
In this case we find ourselves watching as one Investigator Spectacles devotes herself to catching Equestria’s most infamous jewel thief, the Magpie. But when she finally pulls it off, a lingering question remains: why is he a jewel thief? Nopony can figure this out, not even her, not after seven years of chasing him. And now, as a trial date looms, Spectacles finds herself wondering just how many of her assumptions about her oldest enemy are wrong.
This story is a delight from beginning to end. Deeply character driven, it asks the reader to contemplate questions of destiny and purpose and what happens when the demands of society stand in the way of what a person was born to be. What happens when the things we happen to be good at are, in the perspective of common society, inherently wrong? Watching as Spectacles struggles to piece together a mystery deeper than facts and the Magpie who desperately wants his problem to be understood is nothing less than engrossing.
There are plenty of great moments in this story. One of my favorites was a deceptive scene that might appear at first glance to be little more than a tangent: the thieving filly. It’s a tiny segment in a big story, and I can see some readers looking at it and thinking “why is this here?” And yet it showed us some interesting things, things about Spectacles and her perspective, while also providing a curious bit of foreshadowing. Or perhaps foreshadowing is the wrong word. Whatever you want to call it, that little scene was a big clue to the overall purpose of the story, and I loved it for that. This is how you use tangents to further your story, people.
Combining character-driven storytelling, pitch-perfect pacing, excellent writing and a mystery that never stops even when the villain is apprehended, this story is by far the best I’ve read by this author to date, and it is criminally neglected. Read it, by all means.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Apotheosis — WHYRTY?
Bittersweet Music — Pretty Good
Nothing to Say — Worth It
Vaguely Familiar.
66,404 Words
By Reptilicus
Requested by SleepIsforTheWeak
I have no idea why this story is called what it is, but the instant I saw the period in the title I knew it was going to be poorly written. In that regard, this story did not disappoint.
In Vaguely Familiar., Rainbow Dash ignores the warnings of her friends and decides to race with a wing injury. This proves a terrible mistake, and the resultant crash is literally fiery and explosive. Rainbow barely survives, and then only with the magical assistance of Princess Celestia, who happened to be attending the race. In light of all this, the crush-harboring Pinkie Pie vows to be there for her temporarily crippled friend.
What follows is a mess of what I like to call ‘amateur writer’ mistakes. 300+ word paragraphs. Sentences that lack subjects. Incorrect punctuation. Using capitalization for emphasis. Long-winded explanations. Providing every character and location the MLP-loving audience already knows perfectly with needless, lengthy descriptions. The list goes on and on, and Reptilicus is in desperate need of a proofreader. Not the ones who frantically wave their hands and go “I’ll proof because I love your works big fan squee!”, but the ones who stare you down and mark your page full of red and roll their eyes when you get offended by sound, longstanding grammatical practice.
So, the writing needs work. Lots of it.
What about the story?
Here’s your saving grace. The story is good. Reptilicus displays a fine comprehension of the personalities behind each of the Mane 6 to some degree, and uses that comprehension to maximum effect. Rainbow’s depression and Pinkie’s struggle to be responsible for her recovery are played very well off one another. This in turn is regularly advanced and improved upon by the appearances of their friends (and one enemy) and the steady, believable development of their relationship.
Add to that some fun and interesting ideas that I’ve not seen utilized in any story. My favorite by far is the idea that pegasi have bird-like sounds they can make on rare occasions, such as Fluttershy’s call for help when she was a foal or Rainbow’s unintentional mating call. Little additions like that were delectable, and surprisingly well utilized – demonstrating a competent sense of foreshadowing, might I add.
Vaguely Familiar. is a sweet, playful romance that I enjoyed despite the poor writing behind it. If Reptilicus can correct their grammar and style issues, this could be an author worth watching. I have every intention of checking more recent stories for potential improvement (although said stories’ titles don’t give me a lot of hope in that regard).
This would have landed squarely in my Pretty Good shelf if not for the writing issues. Maybe higher.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
As those of you following me may be aware, one of my little methods of selecting stories is to pick a new story from an author immediately after having reviewed one of their stories. It’s not much, just my way of making sure I keep exploring an author’s library. The thing is, I typically don’t bother with that whole ‘description’ thingy when I do this. I flip through their story list, see a title that makes me think “what’s this?” and boom, it’s RiLed, often with me having not so much as glanced at the description. Naturally, this daredevil style of selecting stories comes with risks. The catch this time?
I didn’t know this was a Dr. Whooves story. Those of you who have been reading these for a while know my opinion on Dr. Whooves. I bring this up only so I can safely say my disdain for one of the most overhyped characters in existence has nothing to do with why I’m not liking this one.
So, what is this story about? Well… nothing, really. We find out Daring Do is a Dr. Whooves companion (both in the traditional and romantic sense), and many of her adventures are done as a favor to him. That’s it. There’s no adventure, no great lesson learned, no overarching theme. Here’s the truth, end of story.
That’s… disappointing. And uninteresting.
Sorry, author, but these kinds of stories do nothing for me. Even as an avid shipper who might be able to get something out of this pairing, it amounts to little without a proper purpose. I wouldn’t even call this a story, as it has no conflict to speak of. It just exists, in the worst way a collection of words can: pointlessly. It’s a shame, really, because I know this author is capable of better.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Last Curtain Call — Pretty Good
Sucker for a Cute Face
275,233 Words
By Eyeswirl the Weirded
I can’t help it. This needs to be done.
Alternative titles:
101 Ways to Describe Blushing
The Former Villain’s Guide to Self Control: How To Avoid Evil Laughter in Public
Sweets for My Sweetie
How Not To Take Candy From Strangers (And When To Totally Go For It!)
Dr. Sweetie Squeaky Seuss
Creative Safe Words for Fun and for Serious (No, Seriously)
On The Application of Squirrel
And my personal favorite: You Guys Are So Embarrassing!
Ahh… Good to finally have that out of my system.
The instant I saw the cover art, I was sold. There was no way not to read this story. Unconventional ships are my bread and butter, and this one was just begging to be investigated. Granted, I was more than a little worried, because I was entering into unknown territory with an author I’d never read before. Such things are always a big risk, especially with the word count. I am thrilled to say I have never been so well rewarded for it.
The story starts off simple enough. Fluttershy, too self-conscious to ride the bus to school, is instead dropped off there about an hour or so before classes start by her mother, who has no better time to do so. Fluttershy also has a habit of enjoying some candy while sitting at her favorite bench, a way of psyching herself up for the trials of the coming day. Post-Rainbow Rocks Adagio, meanwhile, is something of a morning girl and tends to visit the school early anyway since she has nothing better to do. When she spots Fluttershy sitting by her lonesome and sucking on a lollipop, she decides to investigate. (Un?)Fortunately for Fluttershy, Adagio’s idea of casual chit chat is almost universally naughty teasing.
I have never in my life been more entertained by a story. I mean that. Every chapter had at least one scene – usually three or four – that kept me grinning throughout. This has everything to do with Adagio’s pitch-perfect characterization as a natural tease and Fluttershy’s ceaselessly adorable reactions to said teasing. Even when Fluttershy toughens up a bit and accepts that flirting and innuendo are Adagio’s way of being friendly, it never grows old.
And I’m fully on board with Adagio’s characterization. I think it’s safe to say that out of all the characters in the collective MLP universe, Adagio qualifies as the only one to have been canonically characterized with naturally sexual mannerisms. Other characters have had their moments, but she always struck me as being ‘naughty’ by design, and this story puts that on full display. It makes it all the more interesting that Eyeswirl incorporated this aspect of Adagio while still managing – believably – to make her fairly chaste. It all comes together to bring out an Adagio who is strongwilled, unceasingly flirty, and yet respectful and aware of the needs of others. (Her occasional evil cackling over not-evil-at-all successes are the icing on the cake.)
If that seems like a contradiction, I invite you to read the story. I should also point out that her interpretation here is easily my favorite kind of female character, so my appreciation of the story may be just a little biased.
But generally speaking, all the players in this story are excellently and consistently characterized. From Sunset’s constant struggle to help without being intrusive to Aria’s endless ‘I’m too cool for this never mind my smile’ attitude, there’s no shortage of interesting characters. Alas, not everyone gets the same treatment, but in the author’s defense it would be overkill to have to do showings of every character we all want to see, and Eyeswirl did plenty with what they had.
Combine that with ever-witty and realistic dialogue, toying with formatting that doesn’t invoke my ire (for once), a story that is surprisingly emotional, and a ‘redemption’-type plot that defies most, if not all, of the stereotypes. Have some great character growth for both leads. Throw in some entertaining asides relating to a Sonata/Rarity ship that catches everyone involved off guard. Not to mention the brief but ever-entertaining tangents relating to Rainbow, Fluttershy, and the Sirens playing assorted video games together (fist pumps for Haunting Ground and Plants vs. Zombies getting their dues), Adagio’s constant and touching efforts to not breach Fluttershy’s limits, and some mild worldbuilding in the form of after-the-fact discussions of the Siren’s former Equestrian life.
Now, with all this gushing, their are a couple of things that come off as strange. For starters, Eyeswirl fully expects us to believe that the Dazzlings have only been in the human world for four years. I have no idea how that’s supposed to make sense when we know they were banished there by Starswirl the Bearded. By all accounts he predates modern events by a few centuries (at least), and you’ll never convince me that four years amounts to that much time when three days in Equestria and the human world amount to the same thing. So… yeah, not buying this. I imagine Eyeswirl was trying to handwave the whole problem, but I can think of plenty of better ways to handle this.
A few other things need to be kept in mind, such as when the story was written. After all, we get to meet Fluttershy’s mother, who is not at all like the Mrs. Shy we know from the show. There’s nothing wrong with this, but it does require some level of acceptance. Trust me, it’s totally worth it for that obligatory ‘meet the parent’ scene Adagio has to go through.
But in the end, I took nothing but pleasure from this little romantic-comedy redemption romp. Now that it’s over, I’m honestly tempted to read the whole thing over again from scratch, because it was that much fun. I’m really, really hoping that those side stories teased in the epilogue exist, because I want more. Lots more.
Bookshelf: Why Haven’t You Read These Yet?
PS – If someone could draw up an image of Adagio in a bathrobe and Trixie’s hat while stirring a giant cauldron of tea, possibly while doing her evil laugh thing, I’d appreciate it.
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Stories for Next Week:
A Draconequus' Guide to Immortality by ArgonMatrix
Mistakes Best Not Remembered by Sorren
Within and Without by Cloudy Skies
All the Time in the World by Adda le Blue
Before the Storm: The Rise of Firefly by Firesight
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Yay! Happy to see you went through Sucker For a Cute Face! Awesome story that I have re-read quite a few times now. I have to agree with you on all points, though I will say that the whole 'thousand years thing' could be easily explained that they were in 'limbo' or something like Starswirl and his friends were before being popped out of the portal into the EQG universe. A quick blink for them, for a thousand years in time practically But, I agree there are other ways to have gone with it, I just don't see how you'd work in explaining the time difference since no one in this world really goes into the MLP world to get an explanation like that.
Regardless happy to see the review and glad you enjoyed the story.
Thanks for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed the story.
I haven't read Sucker for a Cute Face (though now I'm interested), but regarding your comment about the Dazzlings having been in the human world for only 4 years: one theory I've seen discussed is that the sirens were sent to the future (in addition to being sent to another world). I've never adhered to that theory, but it was used in the official "FIENDship is magic" comic (even though it's clearly not-canon now). In that comic, when the sirens emerge from the portal, they're already in the present time, wearing the same clothes they have at the beginning of the movie.
"Adagio, why are you making tea at 4 in the morning? In a bathrobe and witch's hat?"
"Because I have LOST CONTROL OF MY LIFE, AND SOON, SO SHALL EVERYONE ELSE! MWAHAHA!"
That's all I could think of. <.<
Also, I've apparently read and downvoted Dashaloo before, but never reviewed it. Time to put it back on the RIL, ho-hum. D:
Well, damn. Now I have to drop everything and go read this.
4822859
Well, you have to bear in mind that this one tickled all my good spots. I'm pretty sure others may not get as much out of it as I did.
...and I got a lot out of it.
4822797
I'm sure you had a good reason to downvote. Heck, the writing by itself...
4822760
I've not heard this theory, but then I tend not to read the comics. Or take what they say as canon. But that's just me.
And you're welcome!
4822711
I adored every moment of it!
If you're looking for someone to apply pretty text to art, you want to contact Novel-Idea. He's, like, the guy for that.
4822868
Is he, now? I may have to do that, then.
Congrats (again I think, right?) on the feature box!
4825148
Thanks!
And yes, again. This marks my ninth foray into the mysterious and often ugly world that is The Box.
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Ninth! Leave some room for the rest of us!