Paul's Thursday Reviews CVII · 9:57pm Mar 8th, 2018
And we’re back with another round. I’ll have to keep it short today, folks, as I’ve got almost 50k words to read (it’s a workaholic week), a car in the shop that needs picking up (my poor wallet! But the rental's sweet), 2,000 words to write (at minimum), my day job (writing about boring things so I can write about interesting things later), and a need to make a big meal so that the leftovers will last me every lunch for the next week (because it’s cheaper than buying six or seven small meals). All that said, shall we get started?
Stories for This Week:
Ponyville's Bad Day by HapHazred
Blink by zaponator
Chill by FloydienSlip
Sweet Nothings by AbsoluteAnonymous
The Cake Batter Incident by Harmony Charmer
Pages in the Notebook by NeverEatTheLemonsAlone
Total Word Count: 33,321
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 2
Worth It: 2
Needs Work: 2
None: 0
Ponyville's Bad Day
4,525 Words
By HapHazred
Twilight wakes up in pain and generally unhappy. She soon learns that Spike was sick all night. Before long, she finds that Pinkie Pie is miserable too. Theorizing that something bad must have happened to make all these ponies feel bad at once, Twilight promptly goes to meet the rest of her friends, with similar results.
This was a curious little story. It has a nice lesson in it about coincidences being coincidences and learning to take in what pleasures you can. At the same time, it suffers from an unfortunate lack of drama. This is one of those stories that never builds itself up to any sort of climax. Everything happily trots along at one pace, and that pace is sedate. It all comes down to “Twilight thinks there’s a problem oh nevermind there is no problem.”
Conceptually, the story is fine. But without any sense of rising action or conflict, the whole thing feels bland. Which is too bad, because when this started I really hoped it would build into something fun. The story’s not bad, but neither does it hold my interest.
Oh, well. Perhaps the next HapHazred story will be more interesting. (Spoiler Alert: It is.)
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Alternative Title: Twilight Sparkle Sciences the Hell Out Of the Teleportation Spell
This story is one part warm TwiSpike friendshipping fuzzies, two parts Twilight being adorkable, and one part disturbing revelation. Obviously I won’t be saying what the revelation is, but I will say it casts some new light on the teleportation spell Twilight uses with great regularity.
It takes a little while to get to the point, but I don’t think that hinders this story. The setup has a distinct purpose to it, a way of making what Spike has to say all the more important in the end. I think it worked well. The end result is a story that is pleasant to read, and uses that pleasantness to take what could have been a Twilight Sparkle freakout and brings it back down to comfortable levels. Ultimately, I’ve got nothing to complain about.
Read this for some pleasant slice of life and a new outlook on the nature of teleportation. This isn’t the first story to address the problem, but it does it very well.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Chill
6,177 Words
By FloydienSlip
Recommended by Pascoite
In this story, we meet a Lyra Heartstrings who lives close to the Everfree Forest, apart from the rest of Ponyville. Like most interpretations, this Lyra believes that humans exist. Unlike most interpretations, her belief comes from a brief and unintentional visit to a hidden section of the Canterlot Royal Library that revealed this truth to her. But if nopony is ever going to believe her, why bring it up? She moves on with her life, content with simply knowing.
Until one night when something big and metal crashes into the Everfree Forest. Lyra goes to investigate, and soon learns more about humans than she might have preferred.
This is a fascinating story that begins innocently enough, with Lyra meeting two humans and getting no small joy from the discovery. It then goes into darker territory as the two humans end up disagreeing on what their next move should be. All Lyra can do is watch as the fantasies she’s entertained all her life get crushed under the weight of human nature.
The most interesting aspect of this story, by far, is the question of purpose, intent, and results. There is no ‘right thing’ in this situation, or so it seems. Even the one doing things for what seems like good reasons comes out looking like a villain in Lyra’s eyes. It ends up being a look at the presumed violence inherent to all humans and the presumed innocence inherent to all ponies. The story gives a stilted view of both cultures, painting humans as naturally dark and ponies as naturally bright.
Regardless of what I think of the message the story delivers to the reader, I am fully on board with the manner of its delivery. This story is thought-provoking, well written, and full of curious imagery. FloydienSlip’s interpretation of how magic works is lovely, and Lyra’s innocence is always on full display with the narrative. The only part that bothered me is subjective, and that’s how the story jumps right into the action. Whether that’s good or not I leave up to you.
But for my part? An interesting fic from beginning to end.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Sweet Nothings
9,419 Words
By AbsoluteAnonymous
Requested by SleepIsforTheWeak
In this little shipper’s delight, we discover that Rainbow Dash doesn’t really like sweets. Despite this, she goes to visit Sugarcube Corner every day. Why? To check out the super cute waitress, of course. Now if only said pink party pony would notice.
This was, if you’ll excuse the word choice, sweet. It’s basically a long showing of Rainbow quietly crushing on Pinkie until something comes along to make her finally admit to the situation out loud. Both characters are strongly presented, and in a good showing Pinkie managed to be more entertaining than annoying.
The problem I had with the story is that it seems to go on for a little too long. There was so much that could have been done to shorten the length without sacrificing the story’s purpose. This gradual pacing didn’t do it any favors, because much of what we saw didn’t advance the story much. If you’re interested in watching Rainbow pine away over a pony for a long time, then this might work well for you (although, really, if that’s what you’re after you might as well just read Appledashery and get the full experience).
Not a bad story on the whole, but I’ve seen this author do better.
Bookshelf: Worth It
NOTE: With this story, AbsoluteAnonymous is now the third author to meet my RAINBOOM! scoring requirements. The only others to get this far are shortskirtsandexplosions and Viking ZX. A shame AA isn’t around to learn about it.
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Home Grown — WHYRTY?
Pinkie Watches Paint Dry — WHYRTY?
A Million Things To Do — Pretty Good
Where You Can't Follow — Pretty Good
Diamond in the Rough — Needs Work
The Cake Batter Incident
6,687 Words
By Harmony Charmer
Set in the same universe as RainbowBob’s Feeling Pinkie Mean (which I have not read due to it being eternally incomplete), this story has Sombra in the process of being reformed. When all others failed, Twilight asked Pinkie to give it a try, and by Celestia, it seems like it’s working. This time, Sombra unintentionally ends up on the receiving end of Pinkie’s notorious ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ song and dance number.
This story was silly, which is all you should expect. It’s Sombra being the unfortunate foil of Pinkie’s… Pinkie-ness. He’s not reformed yet, but is at least showing some constraint when it comes to tolerating her, which is a start. You have to accept the ridiculous possibility of a SombraXPinkie pairing (something even my prodigious shipper’s imagination struggles with), but beyond that it’s not a bad story. It does suffer from the fact that the entire concept was introduced in a different story by a different author that you probably should have read to get some of the references or even understand the why of it all, but meh, I won’t hold that against it.
As long as you’re willing to accept some nonsensical Pinkie Pie/Sombra interaction with a hint of even more nonsensical ‘love is in bloom’, you might be entertained by this. I will place it in the middle ground on the merit of seeing Sombra acting like more of a drama queen than Rarity (in Rarity’s presence, no less).
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
First Date — Pretty Good
Hidden Voices — Pretty Good
What's This? — Worth It
Later Than Planned — Worth It
I Prefer Show Tunes — Worth It
Pages in the Notebook
2,566 Words
By NeverEatTheLemonsAlone
Side story to Gravestones
In this odd bit of story, Twilight Sparkle discovers an ancient journal in the Royal Canterlot Library that, somehow, she has failed to have read before. She remedies this promptly, and soon discovers she has found Celestia’s journal from the Discord Era, before the princess was even an alicorn.
This story is far too brief for what it is supposed to be about. A large chunk of it is taken up by the introduction, and we are given a mere eight entries. Eight entries to cover almost a year of travel, of war, of discovery and character growth and potential epicness. Eight entries laughably incapable of delivering upon us the greatness that year probably held. It doesn’t even come with a Discord cameo, and he’s supposed to be the villain, for Luna’s sake.
Then, little more than a fifth of the story is a ‘bonus chapter’. The phrase alone invokes my ire. It ends up being a dabble of a scene in which a wounded pegasus Celestia watches while Trottingham falls, with a painful lack of details.
Author, if you intend to try something ambitious like this, my first suggestion is to actually be ambitious. All the tools that are needed are plainly visible. NeverEatsTheLemonsAlone could have given us something epic, something emotional, something exciting, or any combination of the above. Instead we get little snippets that don’t let us invest in the characters, don’t establish any sort of importance to the ongoing events, and ends right when the story has the potential to get interesting. It’s made all the worse when Twilight is shown to be crying for no apparent reason. You can’t just say ‘four ponies died’ and expect the reader to descend into sobs of anguish, especially when the most we know about these ponies is their names.
The story as it is isn’t much to speak of. Buuut, there are signs of promise. The author has good ideas and I’m seeing hints of imaginative concepts. The writing in and of itself is fine, a few narrative voice slip ups aside. This author has the tools at their disposal to make something great, they just have to be willing to utilize those tools and stop trying to make big concepts fit into tiny spaces.
Once NeverEatTheLemonsAlone figures out how to do that, we may start getting some strong stories out of this author.
Bookshelf: Needs Work
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Gravestones — Worth It
Stories for Next Week:
Equine, All Too Equine by stanku
Guardian Angel by SparkBrony
Rainbow Dash Gets an Abortion by jmj
Soft Soil, Bab Seed by ILurvTrixie
The Girl Who Couldn't Change by R5h
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I've only read one story by HapHazred, but it had all the same issues you called out in this one.
Ah, "Blink." Everyone foamed at the mouth about how sublimely excellent this story was when it came out, but it did nothing for me. The writing's good enough, and for that I'd say I'm at least neutral to the story, but I found it very underwhelming. First, that big reveal. It was pretty obvious from early in the story this would be the case, and the fact that the first couple pieces of evidence Twilight found immediately confirmed my suspicions while Twilight kept stewing over it and remained frustratingly clueless... Look, there are times it's a great idea to have the reader figure out something that the characters don't until later, if ever, but when I can arrive at a logical conclusion long before super-scholar Twilight even considers the possibility, then it leaves her holding far too big an idiot ball for my taste.
For that matter, this isn't even a new conflict. Of course, nothing really is, but this doesn't even approach it from a fresh angle. This very quandary has been debated for thousands of years, and application of it to a person has shown up in popular culture for at least 50 years, if not far longer. There's no interpretation of the issue here that hasn't been done the same way many times.
And the last thing that stood out to me is that Twilight is (understandably) upset about the effect on herself and Spike, but her other friends barely get a passing mention. Does she not care about them?
There's one question that can head off the point of many stories. Hell, it can head off the point of many actual episodes of the show. But it does apply here: why didn't she just ask Celestia?
NeverEatTheLemonsAlone is yet another of those excellent user names on this website. :D
Thanks so much for the review! I'm honoured that you enjoyed it, as well.
God, to think it’s been over four years since I wrote that fic. I haven’t been active in the site, outside of the occasional check in to see how things are going, so I’m very lucky to see this review.
I can’t really fault you for how you rated this story because... well, it’s not great. I didn’t have the bravery to create my own world or origin for this story, so I borrowed one from an accomplished author (one who is less active than myself now), and then proceeded to forsake character development in the name of romance.
As I’m sure you’ve noticed, there’s a long series of fics that would follow this one... each one full of cliches and things that still make me cringe. I am proud of the work that I put into them and I will never forsake anyone for enjoying my content. That being said, I’m not unaware of the problems they have and there are days where I want to do it all over again because I know that the story deserved better (and so did Sombra and Pinkie to be honest).
I hope that one day, I have the courage and will to do that full rewrite. And I’ll give you something that’s actually worth reviewing. For now, I’ll just cherish this moment and look back on my experiences here, so that I may do better when going forward. Thank you for reminding me of how far I’ve come and how far I still have to go.
4812791
Given that it's been more than a month since I actually read the story, I can't recall if I found the 'reveal' obvious or not, but I don't think I did. While I've heard the discussion on teleportation before, I haven't heard it anywhere near enough for the concept as used here to seem stale or overused. Maybe I just haven't been reading the right stories.
As for concerning herself with her friends... when does she use the spell on them? I can't recall a time when she ever used it on anyone other than herself and Spike (although I'll grant there's a lot of show to cover, and I know nothing about the comics).
I think the only thing that really bugged me about the story was that Twilight somehow doesn't know how the spell works. Which strikes me as silly; how can you cast a spell without knowing how it works? Isn't that a fundamental element of casting a spell? But I was willing to set that one aside as "different people look at magic in different ways".
4812826
IKR? But it's also one of those names that makes me glad for the copy/paste headlines and titles feature here on FIMFic. I kept writing it in subtly wrong ways.
4812919
Here's hoping I like what I read next by you!
4813042
A valuable thing, indeed. I thrills me to hear this, as it's something I advise people to do frequently. I'll be looking into more of this universe due to curiosity.
4813109
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ship_of_Theseus Note the section where it specifically mentions teleportation. I've heard that Ray Bradbury wrote a story addressing pretty much the same issue as Twilight, but I haven't encountered it. As a concrete example, though, this is precisely why Dr. McCoy refused to use the transporter in the original Star Trek.
Point taken that we don't actually see Twilight teleport anyone but herself and Spike in the show (at least I don't remember any, but I haven't gone looking). But it would seem supremely odd to me that she never would. She does so casually with Spike, so why not for them if it were expedient? Maybe it would be too hard to get the whole group at once, but if she only needed to take one? Seems reasonable she would have at some juncture.
4813346
She used it on herself, Spike, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash in the episode Dragonquest. So there's that.
(BTW, super looking forward to next week's review!)
I know this is an oldie, but just in case i thought you might want to know that the link to "Paul's Thursday Reviews CX" appears to be broken (a missing "["?)
5678954
Huh. You'd think I would have caught that when I first published. Thanks!