General Update: Con Panels, Fic Readings, and Where I Have Been and Haven't · 4:52am Nov 2nd, 2015
So it's the beginning of November, and since it feels like I've been off the grid for a little bit, I figured now's a fine time to get you all caught up on the stuff, things, and assorted engagements going on with me and my writing life. I meant to do this sooner, much like how I meant to have a new story or two published by this point, but my capacity to do that has been affected by some things that I guess I haven't been as open about as I could've been. I'll get to that at the end of this post.
In the meantime, let's start with the fun stuff.
The Fun Stuff: Bronycon Panels
After several months of (rather admirably patient) waiting, the fic-writing track for Bronycon 2015 finally has videographic evidence of its existence. In addition to media duties for Equestria Daily, I was also fortunate enough to sit on three panels dedicated to various acts and aspects of horsefuckficery. They were, in chronological order:
Love is in Bloom: Shipping and Writing Romance in Fandom
Featuring (from left to right): Skywriter, myself, bookplayer, scoots2, and Sunchaser
Worlds Beyond: Crossovers in Fanfiction 2015
Featuring (from left to right): CyborgSamurai, Wanderer D, myself, ABagOVicodin, GaPJaxie*, and Capn_Chryssalid
*Fun anecdotal fact: Some of you may recall my intention to arm-wrestle GaPJaxie for the rightful claim of superior BioShock crossover-er. Not only did I beat him one-on-one, I also beat him again immediately afterwards one-on-three even with two other people helping him. And then beat Capn_Chryssalid after that just for good measure. I lift heavy things for fun occasionally.
Writing Comedy: How to Make Your Horses Hilarious**
Featuring (from left to right): Capn_Chryssalid, Skywriter, GaryOak, myself, and totallynotabrony
**Additional fun anecdotal fact: If I look something angry in this recording, it's because Arsenal lost 2-0 to West Ham earlier that morning and I was very, very hungover about it.
The Cool Things: Readings of Fics I Think I Wrote
I've been very fortunate to have attracted the attention of several talented voice actors and dramatic readers with whom I share a fandom, and on my end of things have been incredibly bad about sharing those readings with my followers. Some of these are older than others, but despite what my failure to repost them before now may imply, I'm truly grateful for every one of them.
Plural Possessive: Reading by Neighrator Pony
NIGEB: Reading by ObabScribbler
Sky Pirates of Equestria: Reading by Goombasa
I Am Demon: Reading by Astro-Brony, ObabScribbler, Neighrator Pony, and several others
"Is It Gay For A Stallion To Give A Unicorn Mare A Hornjob?": Reading by myself and Jake The Army Guy***
***Our drunkenness during this reading was not acting. We did this on the last night of Bronycon this year while quite sincerely wasted, at some point after I demonstrated to the entire hotel room what a rugby shot looks like. There is also videographic evidence of that.
The Other Engagements: The State of This Author
And now for the part of this blog that isn't so fun.
In the past nine months, I've only published two new stories. The first was a random-tagged comedy, about 70% of which was written on virtually no sleep, that only exists because I needed something fun to distract me on an all-day train trip directly following a horrible experience at a hostel in Berlin. The second wasn't even written in that nine months, but rather came from a draft that spent a year collecting dust in my Google Drive before I rediscovered it and decided it was worth cleaning up for publication.
To a large extent, my lack of activity here can be blamed on the first draft of Gifted that I've been working on since May of 2014, since that took up the majority of my attention and a good deal of my productive writing time. That draft, however, is now complete, and has been so since September 12th. All I've done since then is loosely edit four chapters of that draft, do a couple episode followups on EqD, and pour 2500 words into a oneshot that I haven't meaningfully touched since the single day I tried to grind through the first act. This section of this blog is here because there's a reason for that which has nothing to do with writing, and which up to this point I've told very few people about in real life or online.
To sum things up as best I can, I've been working through persistent depressive and suicidal thoughts for a significant period of time now--certainly several months, very likely years--and the breakup I initiated at the beginning of summer, particularly the subsequent response to it from my now ex-girlfriend, exacerbated those thoughts to a very dangerous degree. I've been in therapy since the start of this semester, am currently seeking options for formal diagnosis and medication, and am less than a week removed from a genuine attempt at taking my own life. While I was writing this post, in fact, the campus police knocked on my door because I had my phone on silent and missed half an hour's worth of calls from my parents. That's where I'm at right now, and I'm not sure at what point I'll move away from it, if I ever do.
In terms of immediate relevance to you all here, my writing production's probably going to take a major downturn for the foreseeable future. Right now, the best course of action I've been able to find is distracting myself by focusing on school and work, and leaving myself with as little time alone and inactive as possible. I've made a lot of progress this week with moving on from my ex and the negative effects her behavior has had on me, but I'm essentially starting from square one when it comes to productive discipline for writing, and working against the handicap of where my thoughts start heading every time I sit down to try regrowing it.
In the same vein, my engagement with this fandom is probably also going to wane for the time being. I'm not on the horn for any more episode followups, and for the sake of my own safety, I've taken leave from Skype for now as well. To those of you I've been in contact with since, thank you so much for your support. To those of you I haven't, I'm sorry about my sudden absence, and also for the likelihood that I won't be returning soon. I'm not interested in naming anyone publicly or phrasing this as an ultimatum, but in complete honesty, my interaction with a specific person in a certain group chat contributed significantly to the first genuine suicide attempt I've ever made. As much as I'd like to reconnect with all of the rest of you, my decision at this time is that I'm not going to be comfortable reentering that chat while that specific person is still in it. Hopefully, that decision will change with time or circumstances, one way or another.
Since this is the first time I've spoken publicly about this in any sense, I'll admit to not being sure where to go from here. As much as I'm able, I'll continue editing Gifted and work on finishing some shorter works in the near future. Other than that, I'll try to check messages here and on Skype at least once a day. The best-case scenario is that my situation improves back to some approximation of normality soon, but in case it doesn't, now that situation is out in the open. If you've read this far, thanks for your time.
See y'all around.
See you, Space Cowboy.
I hope you get well. You're a talented writer, and I hope you find joy in whatever you do.
I feel like we are all going through this depression right now Aqua, and I can't help but think of those words that you wrote to me when I was in a deep dark place. I might not be able to put them in the same words you did to me because I am no where near as talented as you are, but you are strong brother, strong enough to keep moving forward and to find that light that has been eluding you. You are such a talented writer, and such an amazing friend that I can think of anything else but to help you in anyway I can. You can always lean on me for support, the same way I lean against you. With us leaning against one another we will stand strong and take on any challenge.
I love you as a friend brother, and I am always here if you need someone to talk to.
Take care of yourself, Aqua. I wish you the best and hope to see you around in the future.
Fuckshit, man, I knew things were rough, but...
You know we're always here, man. We're at least fairly decent friends, and if you ever need someone to talk to, or even just bitch at to vent the fuckin' rage, I'm here. That goes for a lot of us.
Take as long as you need. We're not going anywhere. We'd be terrible people if we just ditched you. So, take a step back, breathe, and when you're ready, we'll be waiting, brother.
Be well.
You're never alone.
Aqua, you're an amazing, talented, and witty dude, and you shouldn't feel obliged to anyone or anything accept taking care of yourself right now. Everything else is just small peas.
I hope you soon recover from the deep, dark place you're in, bro. Take it easy.
I do hope things get better for you sooner rather than later, but I'm sure that things will get better either way. Just stick with it.
Well shoot.
Stay safe, man.
uh
damn
It sounds like you're doing the right thing, at least. Be well, and come back if you ever feel like you can. We'll be here.
Damn, man. Take care of yourself first and foremost.
Yeah man, seriously take your time getting through this stuff. I love your horse words to death, but they're not worth your well-being.
Best of luck to you.
I don't comment nearly as often as I should (though I do read all of your blog posts) but for what it's worth: take care of yourself man, and do whatever it takes to get back to a better place in your life. Remember, there's a whole load of people here who recognize how very, very talented you are, and what an awesome person you are in general.
Fuck man, focus on yourself. Some of us would like to keep you around in the long-term. Hope you can turn shit around.
Real Life must always come first. I'm sad to see that you are having to go through these feelings and situations. I can tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and I encourage you to do what is best for you. You have my "Internet hug," my thoughts, and my prayers, Aqua.
It was my great honor and privilege to perform a story from an author as talented as yourself.
Please, take care of yourself. It will get better.