Paul's Thursday Reviews CCCXXXI · 8:07pm May 4th, 2023
The latest word from Evy-chan: I need to die.
Evy: Uncle Jeremy, do you want to play with me?
Me: Not right now, Evy. Uncle Jeremy would like to have something to eat first.
Evy: No, you need to come and play with me.
Me: I do?
Evy: Yeah, you need to play with me.
Me: Why?
Evy: Because I want you to.
Me: Oh. But if I don’t eat anything I’ll starve and die. You wouldn’t want me to die, would you?
Evy: Um… *thinks about it* Yes.
*Dad busts out laughing in the background*
Me: *feigning shock* You want me to die?
Evy: Yes.
Me: But why?
Evy: Because you like monsters and monsters are mean so that means you need to die.
Me: …You know, that might not be bad reasoning.
Evy: Yeah, so will you come play with me, Uncle Jeremy?
The things that child says, I swear. If I don’t post next week, know that it was Death by Evy-Chan. Anyway, her fun is at its end, for the Boss Lady (also known as her mother) has arrived. Grammy and Pawpaw were obligated to spoil her, as is a grandparent’s duty, but she ain’t getting away with that stuff now. Lower candy allotments and strict time limits for baths, the horror!
We shall see who perishes first: Uncle Jeremy or Evy-chan. In the meantime, let’s have some reviews.
Stories for This Week:
Pinkie’s Pies by Uz Naimat
Gems x Apples by Jack Daniels
High Noon: Applejack by Ninjadeadbeard
The Dangers of Personal Growth by Silent Whisper
Fallout: Equestria - Jacknife Days by Cascadejackal
The Courtship Catastrophe by Dianwei32
Trixie Lulamoon - Consulting Detective by DEI Caboose
Where We Belong by BlazzingInferno
Roses Are Red, Dummy! by Summer Dancer
Sparkle's No. 1 Assistant by Wanderer D
Total Word Count: 203,359
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 7
Worth It: 3
Needs Work: 0
None: 0
Pinkie’s Pies
5,673 Words
By Uz Naimat
Pinkie Pie wants to share that which makes her happy to as many people as possible. Her solution? Publish a cookbook filled with all her most yummiest secret recipes! But Pinkie doesn’t know what it takes to complete such an endeavor. Luckily, her good friend Sci-Twi does.
This is a fun little EqG story in which Pinkie and Twilight collaborate to publish a cookbook. Which sounds pretty simple on the surface. Uz Naimat finds a way to really sweeten things (pun intended) by showing the process at work, the moments of inspiration that help them get past hurdles, and the bond Pinkie has with those closest to her.
By far the best part is how tiny excerpts from Pinkie’s book are included. These come in the form of either baking definitions that reflect the current scene or specific recipes that were clearly inspired by someone in or an element of the given moment being depicted. This isn’t limited to the human Seven but rather to all of Pinkie’s interactions: babysitting the Cake Twins, her sisters’ quirky personalities, her stoic parents, and so on. The connections aren’t always obvious, but I thought they were a fantastic way to emphasize how personal the project is for Pinkie.
I suppose the only thing that raised my eyebrows was the ending when Pinkie declares that the project only took five weeks. I’ll grant that the recipes were already written, and it’s not unreasonable to believe that anything Pinkie Pie and Twilight set their minds to will get done quickly. Even so, five weeks felt like a stretch.
Also, Uz Naimat could use a proofer. There were a few too many typos for the length, at least in my opinion.
But those are both minor issues. This is a pleasant and, yes, sweet story about Pinkie Pie and the things she values. Definitely one to recommend.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Gems x Apples
9,012 Words
By Jack Daniels
Applejack works as a spy for “The Organization”. This evening she has a special job: attend an aristocratic function, find a list of Organization agents and destroy it before it can be sold to the highest bidder. Also, she has to do it fast enough to also get to Apple Bloom’s school play tonight. After all, she promised. There’s really only one complication: also attending the party is the single most beautiful woman in the world, and she’s somehow melting through all of Applejack’s trained mental defenses.
I’mma just show this…
If that interests you, you might get something out of this. If it doesn’t interest you, then thou art a crass rube unworthy of being in Rarity’s presence. Begone!
Anyway, this story was apparently inspired by the anime Spy X Family, which is about a spy and an assassin raising a daughter and being completely oblivious to one another’s occupations. So if you read that summary, you know what Rarity’s role in this story happens to be.
I love the idea, even acknowledging that making Honest Applejack into a spy is a hard sell. There’s also the fact that Rarity is an assassin yet is regularly seen by Applejack as a “good person” despite being given no reason to believe so other than some words of encouragement, a sexy dress and some pretty blue eyes. These two are pretty quick to trust one another with things like real names considering their occupations.
I suppose the point is that, gunplay and lethal needles aside, I was never really sold on the idea of these two being in their stated professions, especially Applejack. Jack Daniels painted a bit too rosy of a picture for that to pass.
But if you’re willing to let that slide, you may have some fun with this one, especially if you’re a fan of the OTP. It’s one part love-at-first-sight romance and one part actiony spy flick, an entertaining combination as long as you don’t think about the details too much. I for one would love to see it as an expanded universe, although I fully acknowledge that is probably due to my RariJack obsession bias. If you’re one of the deluded ignorants who doesn’t adore everything RariJack (you filthy barbarian), this may be a harder sell.
While I want to give this a high rating, the inability of the story to sell the protagonists’ occupations forces me to not give this one my best rating. Follow that up with consistent and immersion-killing writing issues, mostly in the form of A) sentences that are not actually sentences, B) questions that lack question marks, and C) copious missing words, and I have to knock it down a little further. Even so, I was thoroughly entertained.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
High Noon: Applejack
2,259 Words
By Ninjadeadbeard
Big Iron is a bad pony. Bad ponies need to be brought to justice, or… Well. The ‘or’ involves Applejack and her weapon of choice, Brutal Honesty.
When I first heard that Ninjadeadbeard had died, my first reaction was: “Who?” But apparently this author was well-regarded by a great many people on the site, or at least a great many people I am familiar with. I figured if someone warrants that much attention, I should do my due diligence and take a look at their library. Being somewhat of a fan of westerns, this caught my eye.
Actually, it caught my eye when it first released, but I was a lot more strict about limiting how many stories go on my lists back then and thus had to skip it. Kinda regret that now.
Anyway, this story is Ninjadeadbeard’s answer to how ponies do gunfighting. Without going into spoilery details, the answer is “they don’t.” I strongly suspect that Apple Bloom helped design AJ’s piece.
Aside from answering that familiar conundrum, this is also intended to act as a satire regarding Western tropes, to such an extent that even Applejack has issues with it. It’s intentionally pulpy, but no less entertaining for it. I love that the Author’s Note continues the joke, as if we needed any more confirmation that this is absolutely a pony story. Also, I’m curious as to why Applejack hasn’t sued over the use of her likeness.
This will be a lot more fun for those savvy to the western genre, but I think anyone can get into it. A great introduction to Ninjadeadbeard’s style, and I’m curious to see more.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
The Dangers of Personal Growth
6,049 Words
By Silent Whisper
Requested by Silent Whisper
Missy has only two desires: to see the plants grow well and for Fiddlesticks to be happy. She knows that Lightning Dust has something to do with this happiness. Alas, there’s only so much she can do. Her programming is limited, after all.
This is a science fiction in which Fiddlestick is the supervisor and sole worker on a hydroponic space habitat in the Sparkle System. Being a supervisor of a “greenhouse” is an extremely lonely job though, so she went against company policy to fiddle with the greenhouse’s AI, AMIS, to give it a friendly personality. There’s also the matter of Lightning Dust, a supply courier for the company who also happens to be Fiddlestick’s fiancée.
The story starts off endearingly, with Missy using a private log to discuss the situation and Lightning Dust communicating long-range with Fiddlesticks. We watch through company emails and Missy’s private log as they work together to work the greenhouse, Missy regularly pondering the nature of the ponies’ relationship and her own existence. But then things start to get weird.
There’s a lot to enjoy with this. The relationship between LD and Sticks is fun, their back-and-forth banter amusing and realistic. Fiddlesticks’ worsening situation keeps one curious about where it’s all going, especially with the company seeming to ignore her plight entirely. And then there’s the mystery of Missy and whether or not she is, in fact, a true artificial intelligence. I love that her personality and way of looking at the world felt childish and naïve.
My only question involves Lightning’s communications. From everything I’m seeing, it looks like the emails are voice-generated. And yet, somehow, Lightning Dust’s emails are still wildly off grammatically. You would think that in the distant spacefaring future they’d have programs better able to handle this, especially considering that Fiddlesticks – you know, a farmer? – may have actually programmed an AI into sapience because she was bored. Don’t get me wrong, the formatting for Lightning’s emails does an excellent job channeling her manner of speaking. I just didn’t think it would work that way with a computer.
Regardless, this was a fun read for anyone who enjoys the relatively new and popular FiddleDust (LightSticks?) ship. Or anyone interested in AI-related stories, because Missy’s material was also great in a bittersweet kind of way.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Burnout — Worth It
Fallout: Equestria - Jacknife Days
2,334 Words
Cascadejackal failed to provide cover art.
Jacknife is a peculiar pony. This is the story of her average day.
This story is set in the Fallout: Equestria universe, but you don’t need to know anything about that to get this one. It’s literally nothing more than a day (well, half a day) in the life of an earth pony named Jacknife. Thanks to both local radiation and her late mother’s drug addiction, she was born with an obsession for speed and some related superpowers. The end result is a pony with Rainbow Dash’s speed and Pinkie Pie’s… uh… Pinkie-ness. She has a short attention span, is literally incapable of slowing down, and is the most reliable faction-neutral courier in Little Fillydelphia.
The good news is that Jacknife is a fun mare to watch and Cascadejackal’s prose works well to maintain that angle from start to finish. The catch is that there’s nothing to this story. It reveals who Jacknife is, why she is the way she is, her job, and a short review of some of her unique abilities. Then it’s over; no moral, no conflict, and certainly no climax. So if you’re here looking for a story, you won’t get one.
Though greatly entertained by the character, I can’t ignore the fact that she’s all this story is. It’s also a disappointment that Cascadejackal never finished (nor appears to have any intention of finishing) the substantial sequel that would have certainly expanded upon her and given us something worth chewing on plot-wise. Still, if you’re looking for something short to pass the time then this isn’t a bad way to do it.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Dream — WHYRTY?
Festival of Lights — WHYRTY?
Fallout: Equestria - The Carnival — Pretty Good
The Courtship Catastrophe
28,989 Words
By Dianwei32
Rainbow Dash, being the awesome and loyal friend she is, is teaching Twilight how to fly. What she doesn’t know is that Twilight has already figured it out. Turns out the princess has ulterior motives for these flying lessons. Which is fine… so long as Rainbow’s marefriend Applejack doesn’t find out.
The idea behind this is simple: Princess Twilight is crushing hard on an unawares Rainbow Dash and is using flying lessons as an excuse to spend more time with her. Then Applejack susses things out and… yeah. Things get very bad very quickly.
I thoroughly enjoyed this one. Applejack’s and Rainbow’s anger at Twilight’s behavior is perfectly understandable. Twilight’s terror that her friendship with them is ruined? Doubly so. Dianwei32 does a great job putting their respective emotions front and center. I’m also thrilled to see Spike not only be present, but have his position on the subject made clear. Poor guy usually gets sidelined for these kinds of things.
Dianwei32 also does a great job blending the serious with the humorous, much of that humor coming from Rainbow being Rainbow. Honestly, in a lot of ways Rainbow is the highlight of the story, her behavior driving much of the action while also providing much-needed comic relief in her interactions with the others. That’s not to say that neither AJ or Twilight had some great moments, but Rainbow sort of stole the show.
I am pleased with this. It’s got great character awareness, it knows when to be funny and when to be serious, and the hopeless romantics will love the end result. Don’t let the word count bother you, it’s definitely worth the time invested.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Holding on to Nothing — Pretty Good
Unexpected Confessions — Pretty Good
Trixie Lulamoon - Consulting Detective
26,129 Words
By DEI Caboose
Princess Twilight receives a letter from her former foe, the Great and Powerful Trixie. Trixie now lives in Canterlot and has asked Twilight to come help with a particularly deadly affair. Curious but untrusting, Twilight eventually arrives to discover that Trixie has taken on a new role in life: consulting detective and supersleuth.
Simply put, Trixie is Sherlock Holmes and Twilight her Watson. I’ve read many stories of a similar variety and they are always entertaining. This one is, perhaps, played the most straight of them, though that’s not to say it doesn’t have its moments of levity. I mean, it’s Trixie; humor is assured. Told from Twilight’s perspective, the story follows our two protagonists as they work to solve a murder mystery involving a dark ritual.
It’s apparent that DEI Caboose put a lot of their love of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s works in the story, including references and occasionally even pulling lines directly from the books. To be honest, I’ve never actually read a Sherlock Holmes story, but even so I was delighted to see the effort put into this. Trixie makes for a fun Sherlock, Twilight serves well as her foil, and the mystery is well concocted. I especially appreciate how the author threw in clues early on. If you’re savvy to good mysteries, you’ll know as soon as they come up that they aren't being introduced for no reason.
If you’re a fan of Sherlock Holmes or mysteries in general, and especially if you’re a fan of Trixie, you can’t go wrong with this.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
More A Mother Than Most — Worth It
Something's Always Watching — Worth It
The Same Box — Worth It
Where We Belong
46,663 Words
By BlazzingInferno
Rarity has committed a heinous sin in the eyes of her liege: she dared to speak to the visiting alicorn, Princess Twilight Sparkle. For this crime she has been stripped of her position as Seneschal, her hard-sought and fought for position in society lost forever. But there are more immediate concerns, namely being thrown in The Pit, an inescapable ravine said to be a prison used by and for dragons. Imagine her surprise, then, that the first dragon she meets doesn’t immediately try to gobble her up.
Feels like ages since I last read a BlazzingInferno story. Actually, I checked; it’s been five years. Nice to see this author again after so long.
As you’ve likely guessed by the summary, this one is set in the Nightmare Timeline. The majority of the story follows Rarity as she gets used to life in the Pit with its lone dragon inhabitant. Naturally, it’s Spike, albeit a teenage one rather than the waddling ball of scales we know from the show. Both are broken in their own ways, Rarity having to get used to living in poverty and near-starvation and Spike suffering from the complete rejection from his fellow dragons and the fact he failed a mission given to him by Celestia years ago. The story goes exactly where you would expect, both as a Sparity tale and as a story featuring a man and a woman forced to live in isolation together.
Despite this predictability, BlazzingInferno does an excellent job spicing things up. The setting along with the characters’ individual and joint struggles combine with an inexplicably engrossing writing style such that things never get boring. Then the rest of the Mane Six show up with a plan to defeat Nightmare Moon, and you’d think that’s that. But no, even when the villain is dealt with, there’s more to do; BlazzingInferno wanted us to remember that Happily Ever After requires more than just an Orbital Rainbow Cannon to the face.
Excellently voiced characters, a narrative that never stops being interesting, and a setting that works well in every way it needs to. I have nothing to complain about. It’s good to read more of BlazzingInferno’s work.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Secrets We Keep — WHYRTY?
A Dragon's Age — Pretty Good
Water Pony — Pretty Good
Ascension — Worth It
This Night — Worth It
Roses Are Red, Dummy!
3,926 Words
By Summer Dancer
Every single person at Canterlot High knows that Soarin has a crush on Rainbow. Everyone, that is, except for Rainbow.
What do you expect when you see that title? You expect that the title is in reference to a specific scene in the story, likely the scene. It’s probably the most pivotal moment all the rest of it will be building towards. And so you click on the story because you very specifically want to see that scene played out.
Now imagine your disappointment when the scene not only isn’t the pivotal moment of which the entire story is built upon, but doesn’t even exist in the first place.
Yeah. Summer Dancer lost any chance of getting my best rating with that act of misdirection.
Moving past that head-scratching decision, what we end up with is a fairly straightforward story in which Soarin works to endear himself to a Rainbow who is blissfully unaware of his true interest. As the story goes along, she gradually begins to realize that something’s up, albeit in a way that keeps her friends in a state of frustration. It culminates in a date something like a date and RD finally acknowledging what’s been in front of her face the whole time.
Is it a riveting story? Eh, it’s alright. Summer Dancer went for what might be deemed a realistic approach which, despite the comedy tag, feels a lot less humorous and a lot more slice-of-life. Mayhap that’s what they were going for. It might work for fans of RD, and probably for fans of the SoarinDash ship. It clearly got a lot of attention when it was released given its high view count and wildly favorable rating.
I think my opinion is tarnished on account of expecting one thing and getting something entirely different. If you’re interested in a fairly normal and perhaps cutesy view of SoarinDash, then don’t let me stop you.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Sunburned — Pretty Good
Back Off — Worth It
Triggered — Worth It
Sparkle's No. 1 Assistant
72,325 Words
By Wanderer D
When Twilight Sparkle hatched an “egg”, it turned out to not actually be an egg, and what she unleashed was not a dragon. She thus grew up next to one Wrex, an alien being more than willing to teach her the fine arts of violence and alcoholism.
In case that intro didn’t make it clear, this is not a story to take with anything resembling seriousness. It largely involves Twilight Sparkle and Wrex from Mass Effect kicking names and taking ass (and no, that’s not a typo). She’ll collect a new batch of Elements, which this time include a knife-happy Rarity, Rainbow Dash (as herself), secret engineering genius Derpy, former mafia hitmare Octavia, and Vinyl Scratch (also as herself). Exactly what elements do they represent? Unclear and also: shut up. Together they use guns and tactics above and beyond those of any Equestrian force to violently crush bad guys, violently humiliate militaries, violently score mares, and a range of other things with “violent” as an adjective.
Is it stupid? Usually.
It is fun? Absolutely.
Granted, it’s not all dumb. There are some somewhat serious bits under the surface, such as a foal-napping or an evil and perverted mafia lord trying to force underage fillies into marrying him. But given that every threat is treated as a joke and batted aside with ease, it’s hard to take any of it seriously. Between Wrex laughing at the threats, Octavia and Twilight paying more attention to one another than the enemy, or Derpy acting as the enemy’s therapist, there’s really not much to be concerned over.
All-in-all, this is a silly adventure where nothing is dangerous and you’re just supposed to have fun. I have no complaints about this. Although I did get an eye-twitch out of WD’s miss-use of ‘decimated’.
If a nonsensical crossover with Mass Effect sounds like your thing, then there’s no reason not to try this. Just be aware that this expects you to have some familiarity with the games. I do not, so I sort of had to roll with it.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Gunsmoke — WHYRTY?
Redécouvert — Pretty Good
Sunset's Isekai – Review I — Incomplete
Sunset's Isekai – Review II — Incomplete
Stories for Next Time:
Stood Up by Charismatic Pony
"What's Yours is Mine!" or "Why Work When You Can Steal?!" by -TheStoryteller-
To those who write. To those who read. And to myself. by Darkevony
One Does Not Deny A Lady by Soufriere
Yaerfaerda by Imploding Colon
Displacement by Bad Horse
Against the Current by Boldish42
Chasing Daylight by RaylanKrios
No, Agent Drops, I Expect You to Love Me by Captain_Hairball
Seamless by Terrasora
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If Evy demands your blood, so be it. It's been an honor.
Children say some of the best things, don't they?
Evy knows what it's about. She'd fit right in with Twilight's gang.
...
Okay. maybe not.
Still, thanks for the review! You are indeed correct that it's not a story to be taken too seriously, given the blatant disrespect for life, death and others. You'd think it is very clear that's the case, but some people took it seriously.
I read Wanderer D's story when it was still only 9 chapters, and yeah, it was a fun read. I didn't keep up with it after that, but then I never do.
Haven't read those particular stories of Silent Whisper or BlazzingInferno, but I generally like both authors' work.
Haven't read the one about Twilight horning in on AJ and Dash either, but it'd be a hard piece of characterization for me to swallow to believe she'd be willing to do that. If the story managed to convince you, it must have done a good job with her arc.
I don't remember which story it was, but I remember having the same complaint about grammatical errors in something that had supposedly been dictated to a computer. I could see it writing what was said, word for word, even if it knew the person had used one wrong, but, for instance, getting its/it's wrong or failing to punctuate dialogue correctly doesn't pass the sniff test of what the medium is supposed to be.
Oh man, that was a good Ninjadeadbeard story to choose. :)
Never seen eight words sell a story so well before. :D
Damn, but you did a lot in this one!
Thank you so much for the review! And for your compliments!
A few people thought the definitions and recipes were too much for the story, but Iʼm glad you enjoyed them.
You must now submit your life to the child. There will be no exceptions. All is lost. Abandon hope all ye who enter here.
I have one of these whom I have spent a good deal of money on ponies for. It's a little strange to think she'll be at least six (currently 4) before I see her again.
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5726495
Nah, I think my sister will (probably) have my back and save me from the Doom of Evy. Even if I happen to like monsters.
5726435
I went into it expecting something serious (because that's my default mode), but I realized and adapted quickly.
5726445
Nope, the story outright starts with Twilight already doing it, so no attempt to sell the idea is made. But it didn't bother me like it apparently would for you. Maybe I'm just more willing to accept that matters of the heart can cause ponies to do otherwise unusual things.
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Foals! All of them!
Pinkie's Pies is... definitely going on the list. I find EQG Pinkie very likeable and fun and there isn't all that much out there focused on her.
Don't feel bad my 5 year nephew overhead me talking about up coming 35 birthday and noiced my graying hair. He Asked if i had to fight dinosaurs growing up.
Thanks for reading my fic! Glad you enjoyed it! It wasn't my most popular fics, but I still had a lot of fun writing it!
Fun fact, I actually used the fact that I wrote it as part of a job interview! They needed an example of me thinking outside the box, and I said that I wrote a science fiction romance short story told from the perspective of an AI sprinkler system.
... I got the job offer.
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What did you think of the Barbie Girl prank?
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You want me to recall a specific funny moment in a long story made entirely of funny moments which I finished reading well over a month ago? Since which I've read between 5.6 and 8.4 hundred thousand words? You, my friend, are certifiably off your rocker. I vaguely recall something referencing the song, but can't think of specifics and I'm not about to go re-reading the story to find it. Ask me about Sunset going through a phase or Octavia sneaking through windows or Wrex getting in a certain alicorn's bed, but I'm afraid the Barbie Girl moment your referencing isn't one of the ones I retained.
5726807 LOL I guess it is an unfair thing to expect you to remember XD
Nice to see you too
Thanks for the review! This really takes me back, considering I first published this thing around the time we and so many others converged on the final BronyCon.
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Thank you for your kind words.