An adaptation of "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" taking place in the MLP universe. Now taking suggestions from the readers. (Please pay attention to A/N)
Hello everybody and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?: My Little Pony edition"! Here we have the day the earth ponies stood still, Solid State! The thestral who flew off with my wallet, Star Tooth! Hey it's the guy who returned my wallet, Dull Edge! And the one who broke his back from his namesake, Blunt Force! I am your host, Drew Carey, let's have as much fun as we can watching these technicolour donkeys make complete asses of themselves! Yes, Whose Line is it Anyway? The show where everything is made up and the points don't matter.
I'm going to try to alternate between scene-based games (Improbable mission, sound effects, narrate, etc.) and the other wacky fun ones (scenes from a hat, party quirks, hoedown, etc.) to give this fic different stories to tell. So long as this fic can tell a story or four, I should be able to keep the moderators happy... right?
Warning: Crude humour and sexual themes. But you probably knew that already.
I have since recently dedicated this fanfic to Europa. You may be able to find out why.
Let's move onto a game called Improbable Mission! This is for Dull Edge and Blunt Force. Now what is going to happen is Dull and Blunt are going to act out a scene as secret agents performing an everyday activity. The instructions will be provided by Star Tooth. Now what I need is an example of a mundane, everyday activity...Laundry!Cooking!Gardening!Vacuuming!Gardening! I heard gardening. Thank you. So, an Improbable gardening Mission... Take it away, Dull and Blunt.
Blunt was in the kitchen making toast. Each pair of slices immediately popped out of the toaster perfectly browned after being pressed down. "I can't get over how much I love this toaster." He said with a straight, yet blissful expression.
Dull came down the stairs and took in the satisfying aroma. "Ahh... Don't forget to put grape jelly on mine."
Blunt turned and stared with playful disdain. "What? You thought I was going to use marmalade?"
They were both taken by surprise when a loud thump noise came from the front door. Then another thump. Then a thestral crashed through the adjacent window carrying a parchment.
Blunt gasped. "A message from the boss!"
The thestral, Star Tooth, unfurled the message and recited its words. "Dear Diary, today I saw my sister harassing one of her guards. Oddly enough, he didn't seem to mind." Dull used his magic to flip the letter around. "Morning, agents."
"It's half past noon." Blunt responded.
"Then why are you making toast?"
They paused for a moment before Dull replied. "Why are you not making toast?"
"That's not important. What is important is that Celestia's royal gardeners have all come down with horrible tooth aches. It has been two days since the royal garden has been tended to, and it is up to you to... to--" Star stutters in confusion. He leans his head to the side to look at the agents from behind the parchment. "I can't read it, it's smudged."
Blunt walks up and inspects. "Ummm... restore."
"Thank you." He continues once Blunt returned to beside his partner. "...to restore it to its regular glory until the gardeners return from the dentists' the next morning."
Dull and Blunt nod in affirmation. "Uh-huh."
"If it is not cared for soon, it will become so unkempt that the gardeners will quit. Which means I will have to do it, and you two will be fired."
They reared back at the frightening information. Blunt exclaiming, "egads!"
"Get it done quickly and properly! This message will self-destruct in--" He was cut off by Dull ripping the letter from out of his hooves, crumpling it up and tossing it out the shattered window.
"We're not falling for that again." Dull muttered to no one in particular. He then faced Star. "You're dismissed." Dull turned to Blunt as Star flew out the window. "Now--" There was a small explosion and a girly scream from outside. They paid no attention to it. "...Are you ready for what could be our most dangerous mission yet?!"
Blunt responded, "of course it's dangerous! Our jobs are on the line!"
"Then let's get going!"
"Right!" They shook hooves.
"Alright, do you know where to go to get to the garden?!" Dull asked, all riled up.
Blunt pondered for a moment. "Oh! Follow me!" He led his partner to the patio door. "Here!" He slides it open.
"My word!" Dull exclaimed as they ran toward the front gate. "I never knew our quarters were so close!"
"Well, I did!" Blunt said. "You just never go outside!"
"Forget about that! Look at these hedges!"
"Sweet Celestia! How are we supposed to trim them?!"
Dull looked around for clippers, but he had a different idea. "Wait!" He fans out one of Blunt's wings and plucks out a feather, to which he expressed his discomfort. Dull holds the feather at the base and sticks it in his mouth. He then slowly pulled it out through his flatly closed lips. "This should work!" He tosses the feather along the edge of the hedge in a way that made it spin. "Wow, look at it go!"
Blunt was amazed that the somehow sharpened feather was turning in all the right spots and leaving such a clean trim. "It's... cutting so neatly!"
Dull beckoned his partner to follow him. "Come! Let the magic do its thing! We have other things to trim and groom!" They trotted into the center of the garden and saw a very decorated circular enclosure. "Look! Azalea's prized celestias!"
"What?!"
"Celestia's prized azaleas!" Dull brought out a magnifying glass and inspected the flowers in a haste. "Sweet mercy!" He exclaimed in exaggerated horror. "They're all covered in aphids!"
Blunt picked up a nearby spray bottle. "Don't worry! I got it!"
"No!" Dull slapped the bottle out of Blunt's hoof.
"Whatcha do that for?!"
"That thing could be booby-trapped!" Dull picked up the spray bottle with his magic. He unscrewed and removed the nozzle-cap, causing half a dozen boobies to burst out the opening and fly away. Both Dull and Blunt were amazed at the display. Dull looked inside the bottle. "Drat! Empty! Just typical!" He tossed the bottle on the ground in frustration.
Blunt inquired. "What are we going to do now?!"
Dull put on his thinking cap and rubbed his chin for a moment. "I got it!" He stepped up close to his partner. "Did you comb your mane this morning?!"
"Yes!" One awkward silence later... "No."
"Good!" Dull magically conjures a comb. "Bend your head over the azaleas!" Blunt followed suit as Dull combed his mane thoroughly and flicking it in the direction of the flower bed after each pass. Shortly after, Dull inspects the azaleas again. "It's working! The lice are eating the aphids!"
"Well then how are we going to get rid of the lice?!"
"Don't worry!" Dull assured. "The bees will take care of them! I saw a documentary!"
They then ran to the south-east corner of the garden. Upon arriving, they were terrified. "Sweet... moonlit... daisies!" Dull exclaimed. "These topiaries look like something straight out of a nightmare!"
"What topiaries?!" Blunt called out from behind him, carrying a hose. He stepped up and let loose a full stream of water. "This is where Celestia keeps all the statues! They're covered in moss!"
After all the statues were quickly sprayed down. Dull took out a cloth and spit-shined a final nook of the chimera. "Done!"
"Is there anything left?!" Blunt asked. "Did we miss anything?!"
Dull trotted to just outside the statue enclosure and peered to his left. He gasped. "Nooooo!"
"What is it?!" Blunt caught up with him.
Dull pointed and responded with disgust. "A weed! A weed is growing through the cracks between the cobblestone slabs!"
Blunt shifted nervously in place. "What are we supposed to do?"
All of the sudden, the magic razor-feather swooped down from out of their sight and cut the weed clean down to its roots. Dull shrugged. "Well, that was easy." The feather then flew inches above his head, buzzing his mane down and narrowly avoiding his ears.
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTT!!!
Don't go anywhere folks we have more Whose Line coming your way!
Now normally we save this for the end. But since I'm in a hurry to see these guys suffer, let's move onto everypony's favourite game: Hoedown! This is for all four of you! Now what I need from the audience is a suggestion of a relaxing activity that can be easily be ruined...
Party!Concert!Vacation!
Vacation! Thank you! How am I supposed to relax at a concert, seriously? So, with the help of Wing Maid on the piano, let's hear the Ruined Vacation Hoedown.
*Music starts*
I went to Las Pegasus - with my pregnant wife Her water broke when we were having - fun in Paradise I was so excited - I thought I could just sing That is until my son popped out - and I saw a pair of wings
For my last vacation - I flew around the world My leather wings and fangs helped me - pick up lots of girls I'll tell you a secret - if you can keep it between us I high-tailed it right back home - when I saw the last one's--
My last vacation - didn't go so well The amusement park we went to - seemed to be from hell They just got shut down - from a secret they were hiding Their next attraction was - gonna be horse-back riding
Whenever I go to the beach - I make the same mistake I forget to pack swimtrunks - for going in the lake Last year it was a bust - for no good reason, you see 'Cause somehow I got arrested - for public nudity For pub-lic nu-di-tyyyyyyyyy
Okay! We have more Whose Line coming up next so don't you try to get away!
Alright, welcome back everypony! I hope you all got your snacks for what's coming up next. If not, then I hope you all had nice, solid bowel movements.
Okay, I know this is a teen-rated fic, but you gotta make fun of me like that?
Okay. In that case, I hope everyone had explosive diarrhea.
Oh, now you're talking smack about my cousin!
Haha! Oh, anyway. Let's move onto a game called "Sound Effects". This is for Dull and Blunt. Now I just need to go up into our audience and find two lovely young mares to assist our actors. Ah, hello there. What's your name?
Granny Smith.
Granny Smith? How nice. Please take a spot beside my desk. Everyone give a hoof for Granny Smith! *Applause* Aaaand, ah! Who might you be?
Rarity.
Rarity! Nice to meet you. Please join Granny Smith beside my desk. *Applause*
Now how this game is played is you two are going to take these microphones and provide appropriate sound effects when prompted by your respective actors. Rarity, you'll do the sounds for Dull; and Granny, you will make sounds for Blunt.
Now the scene is... Dull is a burglar breaking into a bank in the middle of the night. Let's also assume there's no security guards. And Blunt is the police officer trying to apprehend him. So, if our audience assistants are ready, take it away, Dull and Blunt.
In the now silent night-time streets of Fillydelphia, Dull has just broken his way into the city's most successful bank and made his way up to the large vault. "For such a big bank, you'd think they'd hire night-time security. Alright, now to see what's inside this baby." He removes a saddlebag and sets it on the floor. ("Poomf") "I'm glad I'm using a padded bag." He starts digging through his tools. "Okay..." ("Rattle-rattle-rattle-rattle") He pulls out a baby rattle and looks at it with disdain. "Oh, Junior... My bag isn't a place to keep your toys." He puts it back in his bag and pulls out his stethoscope. "Aha! Here's my stethoscope!"
Dull steps up to the safe and puts on the stethoscope. (*Makes two squishing noises*) Dull shudders. "Uuugh... I need to clean my ears when I get home." He presses the apparatus up against the safe and turns the knob. ("Cli-cli-click cli-cli-cli-click cli-cli-cli-cli-click click!") "There we go..." He puts away his stethoscope and opens the safe. "Wow... No alarm either?" ("Bri-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-ding!") He jumps at the sudden noise. ("Bri-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-ding! Bri-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-ding!") He calms himself and walks over to a ringing phone. He picks it up and answers with confusion, "Hello?"
The other side responded, "This is the police!! Surrender or I'll be forced to use force!!" Officer Blunt had just appeared behind Dull as he put away his cell phone. "Alright, scumbag! You're coming with me!"
Dull stood firmly and challenged him. "Oh yeah?! And just how do you plan to do that?!"
Blunt responded, "I'll wrestle you down and put you in these cuffs!" He whips out a pair. ("Clink-clink")
"You're a buffoon if you think you can bring me in with broken cuffs!" He gestures to the cuff that broke off from the chain and landed on the floor in front of him.
"Fine!" Blunt exclaimed. "Then I'll just have to taze you!" He takes out his tazer gun and pulls the trigger. ("Psssssssssssshhhhhhhhhh!")
"Gaaaaahhhhh!" Dull yelled in agony and fell to the floor. "You got my suit all wet!"
Blunt inspects his gun to find it to be of the water squirting kind. "Dammit, Junior!" He throws the gun on the ground. ("Crack-crack")
Dull stands back up and grieves at his condition. "Oh, my wife is going to kill me!"
"Oh! In that case, I'll take you to her instead!"
"You'll never catch me alive!" Dull runs past him and out onto the street.
Dull is trotting at an immense speed to try to escape the demise at the hooves of his wife. Down the street, 'round a corner, through an alley and over a fence. Blunt is hot on his tail the the whole time, not wasting any effort in closing the gap between him and his perpetrator. Dull keeps peering down at his shirt pocket as continues to lead Blunt on this goose chase. He clumsily takes out his cellphone and answers it. (*Stops humming*) "Honey, I told you not to call in the middle of a heist!... Yes, my outfit is still dry!" He hangs up and tucks it back in his pocket.
Midway through the chase, Blunt has an epiphany. "Wait a minute... I can fly!" He hops into the air and flaps his wings. ("Fwap fwap") He hastily closes his wings tight in a worry before hitting the ground running. "Oh, right! My doctor said not to!"
After over a minute of non-stop pursuit, Dull managed to get himself cornered in another alley. They were both panting heavily, but Blunt had the training to remain energized enough to close off any means of escape. Dull resorted to his final plan. "Don't come any closer!" He points a gun at his hunter.
"You really want to add another offence to your inevitable sentence?"
"I warned you!" Blunt ducked as Dull pulled the trigger, ("Bang!") to which a little white flag stuck out of the muzzle. He removed it and held it meekly in both hooves up to his face. "I surrender."
"Oh, It's not gonna be that easy." Blunt replied with ravenous intent. "No perp of mine goes down without a fight! I don't want to be the laughing stock of the station by taking in a willfully submissive criminal!" He leaps at Dull to wrestle him the ground. However, he rolled to the side and made him crash into the wall. ("Boom!") Blunt immediately got blown back by a mysterious explosion as Dull covered himself for protection from the debris.
He was in complete shock. "What the--" ("I can tell when you're lying, you little snake!") A voice roared from beyond the smoke. "Sweetheart?!" Bzt-bzt-bzt-bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!
Alright. A thousand points to Rarity for throwing in her own little tidbit of improv. Celestia knows these guys needed the help.
Oh, thank you kindly. Do you think I have a natural talent?
Nah. According to your flank, you were just lucky.
Hmph!
If it's any consolation, Dull would be lucky to have you as his wife!
She could be young enough to be my daughter!
Eh, doesn't matter so long as you're famous!
Really?! Hey you can be my wife if you want!
Shut up, she's mine. We'll be back with more Whose Line! Don't you go anywhere!
Oh, that's not good. 'Cause it's time to do an Irish Drinking Song! This is for all four of you: Solid, Star, Dull and Blunt.
Top o' de mo'nin'!
Yeah, yeah. Now... What I need is a suggestion from the audience... something that would be a defining moment of your youth...Moving out!First date!Puberty!Uhh, first date! Let's do first date. I'm scared of puberty... and that's not the first time I've said that.
You're not alone.
Heheh... Okay, so... Wing Maid, whenever you're ready, let's hear the first date Irish Drinking Song.
*Music starts*
Oooooooohhhh... hi-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di I brought my date home with me She was so divine We had a great night together I couldn't walk in a straight line I took her back safe and sound I opened up my door I leaned in to kiss her And fell flat on the floor
Oh hi-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di When I came to in the morning I was laying on my couch She asked me, "are you okay?" All I could say was "ouch" My vision started to clear up My headache went away She climbed right on top of me We started to kiss all day
Oh hi-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di It went on for hours She wouldn't let me move I wanted to get up and close the curtains Some kids were watching us groove I couldn't get rid of the snooping brats My date, she didn't care It's as though she wants them to watch What a crazy mare
Oh hi-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di Soon the whole town was watching us Even the princesses too We were putting on quite a show I didn't know what to do I decided to give up And kiss her all over the face And so everyone watched with awe As I got to third base
Hello and welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?"! Did everyone get laid in the meantime?!
*Applause and cheering*
Liars! Now...
Lyres? *holds up a lyre*
Where did you get that?
'Twas lost, but now found. *plays random chord and gets it snatched away by a green aura* Ohh... I was getting so good at it.
Anyway... I hope we're all ready for the next game. Because this time... we'll be having a VERY special guest! Everyone please look to the entrance right behind me and give a warm welcome to... Princess Cadence!
*Flies out of entrance, lands on stage and bows all to thunderous applause* Thank you, everypony! It is an honour to be here!
And it is an honour to have you here. Now this game is for Cadence, Solid, Star and Blunt...
Aw! You're making me miss out on this!
A- Solid needs time in the stoplight, and 2- I can't cover your medical bills should you break your back because this game is called... Dead Bodies!
Ooh...
"Ooh" indeed. Now how this game is played is... One of you, by which I mean Solid since he's invariably the strongest by being an earth pony, will have to physically manipulate all the movements and speak all the lines of the other three actors, who will be completely limp and silent. In other words, Solid is playing with pony corpses.
Woah! Now that sounds too dark.
Our audience knows better.
Does Solid?
Haha! Now... Your scene is... Cadence is laying on her bed, coercing her coltfriend Shining, played by Star--
Woohoo!
...And they are about to... uh... let me make it PG-- "make googoo eyes"... until Cadence's father, played by Blunt, bursts through the door. Now, if all our actors are ready...
Hold on! *Trots over to Dull and kisses him on the cheek*
*cheering and wooing*
...Continue.
Alright, get into proper positions... I wish I could've said that in a better way. But when you're ready, take it away.
Cadence is laying down on her back on top of her bed all exhausted. Star was doing the same in the middle of the floor. Cadence spreads out her legs and beckons Star over. "Oh my Shining Armour in valiant knight! Are you brave enough to carry out an assault on Cadence Keep?" She drops her head and awaits a response.
Star lifts his head and shoulders off the ground and answers, "Yes, sweet cheeks! Just let me ready my battering ram!" He pushes himself up and crawls over to the bed, dragging his hind legs behind him. He climbs on top of her and positions his legs one at a time at the corners.
Cadence spoke up. "I hope you're strong. Because I have thick walls!"
"Don't worry, baby! We're trained to start off with a bang!" Star lifts his flank into the air and prepares a first strike.
They were interrupted by a loud knocking at the door. "What's going on in there?!" Blunt opened up the door and collapsed onto the floor. Star suddenly dropped his flank as Blunt haphazardly stood back up. "Oh dear sweet Celestia! What are you doing?!" He falls back onto the floor.
Cadence lifts and angles her head at Blunt. "Daddy! I keep telling you, my name is Cadence! And it's quite obvious who I'm doing!"
Star gives a nonchalant greeting. "Eeeeyy! How's it hanging, Mr. Cadenza?"
Blunt stands back up and floats over to them. "Don't be asking me questions about your battering ram!" He landed his head on top of Star's back and started to dig and stuff his front hooves under his torso. "I oughtta teach you to touch my daughter!"
"...Give me a moment." Blunt uttered.
It took him a while, but he finally got his front legs under Star into a way he can lift him up and wrestle him to the ground. He began to do so, but struggled to lift his entire body; Star's legs were dangling down to the floor. Blunt twisted them both around and landed them both on the ground with Star on top. "No one is good enough for my daughter! Do you understand, bub?!"
Star responded, "I'm not the first, you know?!"
Cadence rose herself up with her front legs out to the sides. She draped them over the side of the bed toward Star and Blunt and lifted her head. "Daddy! Please! Punish me instead! I made the first move!"
Blunt "magically" slid Star off from on top of him, leaving him spread out and face down on the floor. He leapt back up to all fours and picked up Cadence in his legs. "Very well! You're coming with me!" He started to carry her out, but realized he would have to step over Star to leave the room. "...Over here, actually." He clumsily landed her back on her bed, with him laying criss-cross'd over her stomach and his head over the other side.
Cadence objected. "But Shining has been training so hard so that he could come with me!"
"That's right, Mr. C!" Star wiggled his head to indicate a response. "Royal guard training has really helped me build up my stamina! I'll be able to keep up with her no matter what! ...Your daughter has a wonderful carpet by the way, Mr. Cadenza!" Star started to crack up from his reply.
Blunt lifted his head. "Wait!" He levitated his upper body off from Cadence and landed right next to Star to look him face-to-ear, all without moving his back hooves. "You're a royal guard?!"
"Yessir!" Star turned his head to look him in the eye. "In fact, I'm in line to become captain soon!"
"Oh! Well..." Blunt stood himself back up and strolled back out the room. "Carry on, then!" BZZZZZZZTTTT!!!
*Returns to his seat hanging his head in shame as the other three are laughing their lungs out of commission*
Ahahahahaha!! Your highness!... I am SO sorry!
I'm fine! *Snickers* I'm not so sure about my husband, though!
Oh, I'm just aces! Just let me keep resting here for a minute...
If it's any consolation, Princess... I'll give you 5000 points for getting through all that.
Teehee... Thank you! *Returns to seat in the audience*
Hey! I had to do all the lifting!
I should probably be glad I was left out...
Hehehe... We're gonna be a while! We'll be right back! Haha-HAA!
Welcome back to Whose Line! And I think Solid is...
*Burying face in front hooves*
Are you still proud of what you did?
*Perks up* One hundred percent!
Alright then. Let's move onto a game called Weird Newscasters! This is for all four of you. Now Dull is the head anchor of a news program, and everyone else has been given a strange quirk or identity. Solid, you're the co-anchor, you over pronounce the letter 'P' to the point of spitting it whenever you speak. Star, you're the sports highlighter, you are promoting a new pill that helps prevent memory loss. And Blunt, you're the weather forecaster, and you're... and I quote... "Carol Chanter... Just, Carol Chanter". I'm guessing that's all they need.
So... Whenever you're ready! Take it away.
Welcome to the 6:49 news. I'm your anchor, Rigor Mortis. Our top story tonight: Princess Luna has created her own recipe for a pâté to be served at future royal parties. To put it on a taste test, she went to Ponyville to set up a stand where she would serve it to willing ponies. However, she had trouble at first on where to provide it from. She soon settled on the front yard of Rarity's boutique and served it on round orange crackers. A local musical resident gave her the advice... "If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits? Put it on the ritz."
Now for other news, let's turn to my co-anchor, Zebra doesnotfit. Zebra?
[Over pronounces the letter 'P' to the point of spitting] *Turns to Dull* Much appreciated, good pal o' mine! I can picture the ponies going positively passionate over princess Luna's pâté. *Turns back to camera* In other news, many privileged upper-class ponies are unpleased with the princess' preposterous proclamation to postpone the next royal party until the premises is supplied with plenty of spicy Pepperpony Pops... and thestrals'-food cake.
*camerapony wipes lens clean*
My apologies.
Thanks for reminding me, I need to clean my bathroom when I get home. And now onto sports with... Mike Habbages! Mike?
[Promoting a pill that prevents memory loss] Y-you know... I'd love to give the highlights. But I forgot to bring my good tie. Damn it all!
Oh! But I won't forget anymore! With this! *Holds out pill bottle* A revolutionary product that will help EVERYpony never forget again: Daemitol! Proven to combat Alzheimer's, just one pill daily and your memory will remain in its peak condition; allowing you to remember everything like a steel trap. Birthdays? Anniversaries? Royal parties? Family gatherings? Surgeries? Never fret, and never forget! Daemitol! Sideeffectsincludedrowzinessnauseaheadachesandtemporarydarkeningofthestool.
Thank you, Mike! Now onto the weather with... Who the hell are you?
[Carol Chanter... Just, Carol Chanter] *Presses wings together in front of him and smiles widely* Oh, you silly goose, you! I've been here for the good part of 18 minutes. Hello and welcome everypony to the weather forecast. Today, we are going to have a simply wonderful day. The sun is going to be shining everywhere and ponies of all ages are going to be singing and frolicking. The humidity is nice and low, and we'll be having a light rainfall after sunset. Can someone get me some honey? My throat is starting to hurt. Back to you, Rigor.
And that's it for news. Until next time, good night and good news.
Always a pleasure! bzzzzzzzttttt!!
Alright! Now--
Okay. I actually could use some honey right now.
Okay. Hopefully we can get the crew to get some during the intermission.
Heyyy welcome back to more Whose Line! And Star, thank you for sharing those pills, I finally remember my mother's birthday.
No prob.
Alright, now before I forget... I'm sorry, I'll leave the jokes to you guys. Let's move onto a game called... Hollywood Director! This is for all four of you. Now this game is played by having three of you, Star Blunt and Solid, acting out a short scene. Then once it is finished, for the most part, the director, Dull, will interrupt you and have you replay the scene, but with a new twist or quirk. Now your scene is... Oh sweet lord... ummmm... Set ten years in the future... Applebloom -Star- admits to Spike -Blunt- that she's pregnant... and that he's the father. Then her brother, Big Mac -Solid- becomes outraged from overhearing their conversation.
Okay, so... whenever you're ready, take it away.
Star and Blunt are standing out in the field together. Blunt notices that Star is acting worried. "What's wrong Applebloom? You won't stop staring at that pile of crap in front of you."
"Oh! Ah'm sorry, Spike." Star turns to him and confesses, "Ah hate t' tell ya this. But Ah've been acting strange lately. And Ah figured out why: Remember when ya came over t' visit a week ago?"
"Ahhh. How can I not? It was the first time we tried your family's alcoholic cider."
"Yes. Well... Ah'm afraid that... because of what must have occurred afterwards, that Ah am... pregnant with your child."
Blunt bent down to laugh. "Oh no. That's impossible."
Star asks, "How can that be?"
Blunt suddenly takes on a serious tone. "Because I'm a f***ing reptile! We dragons are cold-blooded and lay eggs! There is no way that you're pregnant, let alone me being the father."
"What was that y' said?!" Solid shouted in a deep, booming voice as he approached them from nearby. He stares Blunt down right in the eye. "What did you say about you being the father of my sister's kid?!"
"Stop, Mac, Please!" Star cuts in between them. "It was from when we drank th' cahder last week. Ah cain't remember it, but Ah'm afraid that is the only explanation for how Ah've been acting."
"But how can he be the father?! He's a f***ing reptile!"
Blunt interrupts, "Wait! Weren't you drinking the cider with us?" --- Cut! Cut! Cut cut cut!
I am not letting you go there! Stop it!
Sorry...
But other than that, it was completely remarkable and perfect!
Thank you.
Or in other words, CRAP! This isn't working. We need something to spice it up... Spice. Spice! You know where they have a lot of spices?! Mexico! Do the scene like a... spanish!... horror movie!
...Action! ---
Star is acting melodramatic to the point of fainting. He confesses to Blunt, "Oh, Senor Spike!" He drapes over his shoulders. "Mi dragono grande! I am afraid that... Our night last week had done something horrible!"
"Chica..." Blunt lifts Star's head in assurance. "Whatever it-a may be... I will stay with you through thick and-a thin."
"I am carrying your child."
Blunt gasps and starts shouting gibberish in a panic. "¿Cómo pudiste hacerme esto a mí? Has arruinado mi vida! ¿Dónde están mis pantalones muertos?!" He cups his hooves over his cheeks. "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-" He inhales. "-oooooooooooooooooooo!
"You must run, Senor Spike!" Star warns. "Mi hermano... he is... possessed. If he ever finds out about this, he'll turn into a horrible-looking red-eyed bull!"
"What is happening over here?!" Solid shows up nearby. "You slept with mi hermana! I'm gonna-- rararraaaaaaggghh!!" He prompty turns into a bull and begins charging.
Blunt jumps out of the way and starts taunting him by holding his front legs out. "Torro! Torro! Ole!!!" He swings them out of the way and makes Solid run off to his side again. --- Cuuuut! Cut!
Okay... Hear me out on this! I know it's unorthodox, but... maybe we should go for a "so bad, it's good" kind of thing. Do the scene like you REALLY don't care about your job! Be apathetic and boring! Or anything that doesn't fit with the situation!
Action! ---
Star clenched his stomach and started to have an uncontrollable spasm. "Argh! Oh! AH! Blaaarbrlrlbralabrrlabrblalbrbrlabrlbrlabrlah!!" He tosses his legs up into the air and falls flat on his back. He spoke in a deep, constipated voice. "Spiiiiiiike! The cider... last week... I'm pregnant."
Blunt was seemingly unphased by the news, but responded with a few concerned words; albeit dry and monotonous. "What? How can this be? I can't be a father. I don't know what to do."
"Graaaaaah!!!" Star thrusts himself from the ground and grabs Blunt's shoulders. "Spiiiiiike! You need to help me."
"But how? I don't know where we can go."
"Noooooo! I mean for the SHOWER!"
"I did not sleep with you; it's not true! It's bulls**t! I did not sleep with you! I did NAHT." He looks over to his side. "Oh, hi Mac!"
Solid gasps from the distance and approaches them with a hilariously stern face. He responds in a falsetto voice. "What is this I hear about a showeeeeeeeer?!" He stares Blunt down right in the face.
"She meant she needs to take one."
"Maaaaaaaaaaaac!" Star begins to have another spasm until ending with a gesture toward the farmhouse. "Can you join me like a good brother?" --- Cut! C-c-c-c-c-c-c-cut!
I SAID not to go there!
Oh yeah...
Can I keep using that voice?
No! I changed my mind! We need to keep actually trying!
I know! Let's try using different characters! Blunt, act like Pinkie Pie! Star, you're Discord! And Solid, act like Steven Magnet! Don't question me! I'm the director!
Isn't Discord a guy?
He's not SUPPOSED to make sense! Neither is Pinkie, for that matter!
Action! ---
Star walked toward Blunt and spoke as if to lure him. "Oh, Pinkie Piiiie. I have a special surprise for you..."
Blunt opens his eyes wide and tip-toes toward him. "OOOOOOoooohhh! What kind of surprise?"
Star stood on his hind legs and directed Blunt's attention to his stomach with his front hooves. "Tada!"
"Ummm... why did you make yourself fat?" Blunt asked.
Star chuckled in good spirits. "Oh-ho, Pinkie. Isn't it obvious?" He began to walk around him. "Because of us drinking all that cider last week, I have become pregnant with your child!" He gave a hearty smile.
"What?!" Blunt gasped. "That's where fillies come from?!"
Solid ran up to them in a serpentine pattern while shouting, "Oh good heavens!" He hugs Star and nearly bursts into tears. "Oh Discord my sis- broth- sis- SIBLING! How can this be! I can't hardly believe you two would do such a thing!" He calms down and looks toward Blunt. "Though... Isn't SHE the one who's supposed to get pregnant?"
"Oh fine..." Star replies. "If it'll help quell your confusion..." He claps his hooves together twice.
Blunt shivers and looks at his stomach. He gasps and starts to skip about. "Yaaaaaay! I'm gonna be a mommy! I'm gonna be a mommy! I'm gonna be a mommy!" --- Crap crap! Crap crap crap!
What?!
...Crap!
...
Crap! ---
After standing still for a moment, Star drapes his front hoof over Blunt's shoulder. "Listen to me, Spike. Let me level with ya for a little."
Blunt stammers. "Well I uhhh... suppose I could."
No! Wait! Hold it for a second there!
What is it?
I'm sorry. Dull... You can't just do that. We need you to give them an actual instruction to work with.
What?!
I thought it was funny.
Yeah. And it would have given us a chance to IMPROV.
*Audience oohs*
Look just... start from the last "cut" part. You guys get back to where you were standing before, and we can fix the footage in editing.
Well, at least we're not starting over...
Okay. Go ahead.
Cut! Cut-cut-cut-cut!
What is it, Popeye?
Gah! Nothing's working!... You know what?! Forget the script!
Yeah! I'm gonna go write my own script! With blackjack and hookers!
Oh no you don't! Look... This time, don't speak! Do the whole scene as an interpretive dance!
Aaaaction! ---
Star bows down in a depression in Blunt's direction.
Blunt gets down to his level and holds up his hoof in concern.
Star responds by using his front hooves to gesture to Blunt, then to the side of his head, then to right behind him. He leans back and mimes a guzzling-from-a-bottle motion. He stands back up and acts all tipsy. He falls on top of Blunt, laying right on top of his stomach. They then roll over so that Star is on the bottom, then quickly back.
Star stood on his hind legs and solemnly clenched his chest with his hoof, then sliding and looking down to his abdomen. He extends the other hoof to Blunt while forcing tears into his eyes.
Blunt jumps up in shock, holding his hooves up to his cheeks with his mouth formed into a narrow vertical slit. He then proceeds to slowly run around in a circle on the tiptoes of his back hooves while holding and swaying his head side to side.
Star hops up to him and grabs his shoulders. He gives a quick hug before disbanding while holding his front hoof to his forehead. He kneels down and pretends to sob in a fetal position.
Blunt slowly trots over and lays his hoof on Star's back in a comforting fashion.
Solid appeared behind them. He steps over ferociously to an inaudible rhythm. He keeps switching between staring at Blunt and Star before finally grabbing Blunt by the base of his neck as a threat.
Blunt holds his hooves up in front of him and shakes them as Solid rears back a dramatic punch.
Star returns to his hooves and tries to intervene. Solid holds his reared hoof up to Star's chest and gently pushes him away. Star flings his hooves toward Blunt as he stumbles and falls onto his back.
Solid punches the air in front of Blunt's face, causing him to turn his head appropriately and slowly retreat from the force of the hit. He lays down onto the ground as he holds one of his hooves up to his cheek. --- Cut! Cut! Cut! Bzzzzzzttttttt!!!
Okay now! Let's wrap that up. Great job to all of you! I'm gonna give you all 2000 pints!
Oh! Well bottoms up!
And again. I'm so glad we didn't have to start over that time.
Oh yeah.
I didn't have enough ideas for a second recording.
Yeah well-- wait! What am I saying? I'm nice and comfortable at this desk! I shouldn't care how long we need to do this!
Anyway, we'll be back with more Whose line. Be sure to be here when we return!
Hey, welcome back to more "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"! The show where everything is made up and the points don't matter. Yes, the points are just like the royal sisters' ages.
The points must be worthless if the most you've given so far is to a guest star!
She's royalty, I have to give SOMETHING as a token of appreciation.
And you gave her something with no value.
Exactly. And do you know who else is royalty?
You're kidding...
We have another guest star, who is just itching to join in. Please welcome...
*Appears in a dark flash and a flurry of small bats* Greetings, everypony!
*Audience cheers loudly*
PRINCESS LUNA, Everyone!
Are we seriously SO popular, that we can only have royalty as guest stars?!
Art thou complaining?
Not at all!
Alright then. Now Her highness is here to help us out with a very special 5-pony version of everyone's favourite game!
What? again?!
*Walks off stage with his wings up in a way that says "I'm done"*
Blunt! Come back! ...Oh well. I suppose he's going to miss out on... Scenes From a Hat!!
*Audience cheers wildly as Blunt returns to his seat*
And how, pray tell, does this work?
Oh, not to worry. Guests only take part in very easy games. Do you remember what Cadence had to do? Or rather, NOT do?
So I do not have to try too hard?
Pretty much. Because how this game is played... is everyone stands off to one side of the stage, and I pull out a scene from this hat, all of which are suggestions from the audience, which they wrote out during the last intermission. It is then your job to act out as many performances with the scene provided. It's very quick, very funny, and something even a filly can do.
Would it be also funny if I ended up doing something wrong?
As hard as that would be, maybe. Especially since you're a guest. Now if you're all ready... Let's start off with...
"If Daring Do was a soap opera"
Oh, Ahuizotlllll...Yes, my dear?I'm pregnant. (Bzt!)
Oh no! The cave is collapsing, the artifact is fake, my equipment is stolen... and the prom's tomorrow!! (Bzt!)
Mwaahaahaha! You'll never get your hooves on this chalice!Oh yes I will! With the help of... special guest star, Photo Finish!Ve must use da magics! (Bzt!)
"What the royal sisters do in their spare time"
Hmmm... Twilight is always willing to do something dangerous. I'll see if she'll get me a coffee. (Bzt!)
Oh Luna. I told you getting a hot tub was a good idea.I concur, but why are we bathing in honey? (Bzt!)
*Mimes a spit on the hoof and cleaning a mirror* Ah! There you are you sexy beast! *Grabs and kisses reflection* (Bzt!) Dear sister, why did you start without me? (Bzt bzt bzzzzt!)
"The REAL reason why thestrals are never out in the daylight"
*bends down and looks under at his groin* Hmmm... I don't wanna steal anyone's marefriend. (Bzzzt!)
*Brings Blunt with him* Oh! You're so sparkly! (Bzt!)
No, Kid. I do NOT use echolocation to find my food! (Bzt!)
*Brings Star* Let me share you a little secret. My sister and I made a little deal: She gets the unicorns, earth ponies and pegasi... And you... are alllll miiiiiine. *Kisses Star passionately*
*Audience cheers and woos loudly*
Lucky bastard...
*Ceases kiss and let's Star fall down on the floor* (Bzt!)
Oh geaze... don't underestimate the new guys.
Star? (Bzt! Bzt!)
Oh... Poor thing must've gotten blinded by the sun and flew into this window... *Pulls Star back to the side by his hind legs*
Okay. Ahaha! Ummm... "Hidden talents that the Mane 6 don't want you to know about"
*Mimes basketball dribbling and slam dunking* Haha! Take THAT! Darlings... (Bzt!)
*Coughs and shudders*
You okay?
Yeah... Yeah I'm good.
One pinch of potassium chloride... and boom! Haha! That was awwwwwwwesoooome! (Bzt!)
*Mimes gobbling down food like a starving bear* BUUUURRRRP!!! ...Oh my. (Bzt!)
"Things you can say about a timberwolf... but not your partner"
Oh. What a wonderful green glow in your eyes. (Bzt!)
Thou must have a mint. (Bzt!)
Please don't eat me. (Bzt!)
*Grabs crotch* Ah! I got a splinter! (BZZZZT!)
...Nice wood. (BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!!)
No! ..."Bad times to burst into song"
Ohhhhh Little Timmy's fallen down the well. (I've fallen down the well!) (Bzt!)
Discord has flipped the town.... all upside down... (Bzt!)
I'm not low'ring the moon today... For once I want to have it my way... A longer night it will be, please sister don't cry to me... I'm not lowering the moon... tooodaaaaaaaay! *Audience cheers* (Bzt!)
Nicely done, your highness... "What Twilight and her friends would use to battle evil if they were given something other than the elements"
Mystical dragon... by your name I summon you forth! Shenrooooon! (Bzt!)
No, Nightmare Moon... You don't understand... For our drill is a drill that will pierce the heavens! (Bzt!)
*Gathers the other four at his sides* Alright, girls. Ready? IT'S MORPHIN' TIME!! (Bzzzt!)
Ohohoho... That was brilliant... "If Celestia and Luna were undercover cops"
Not necessary... We already do nothing but eat doughnuts most of the time.
Ahaha!
Mmmm... Would you like to take this someplace else?Oh, absolutely.How much are you willing to pay?Hmhm. A lot.Oh, good. You're under arrest. (Bzt!)
"If the royal sisters abused their autocratic power"
I am a princess! That means "screw you, I'm the boss"! Now lick it clean! *Gestures to flank**Licks Luna's cutie mark forcefully* *Audience cheers in shock* (Bzzzzzt!) Can I have another promotion? (Bzt! Bzt! Bzzzzzt!)
From now on... All baked goods are royal property! You must pay a hefty new tax if you want a cupcake! (Bzt!)
Mandatory nightclub attendance for all ponies over 18! At least 2 hours a week! ...I want my night to be appreciated... *Audience awws* (Bzt!)
Mental note...
Heheh... Okay. "What Princess Cadence--" Oh god... "What Princess Cadence was thinking during 'Dead Bodies'"
*Lays down on back with legs spread* Oh wow. Luna is such a spoiled brat. (Bzt!)
Ah! Ah! I told ya! *Gestures back and forth from Luna and the audience*
I can probably make polygamy legal in the Crystal Empire. (BZZZT!)
Hmm... The blue one is kinda cute, too. (Bzt!)
Oh no... If I didn't know better, I'd think Solid was psychic. (Bzt!)
Eh. Shining's more like a battering lamb compared to this guy. *Audience OOOOOOHs* (BZZZZT!!)
Worth it.
*Sigh*... "Unlikely things for the Crusaders to try for getting their cutie marks"
Cutie Mark Crusader school janitors! (Bzt!)
Princesses! (Bzt!)
He said UNlikely.
Oh!
Nah, I don't wanna go crusading today. I'd rather do stunts on my scooter. (Bzt!)
I'm gonna sing a bunch of old show-tunes at the retirement home. (Bzt!)
"If ponies had fingers"
Wow! It's so much easier to play the piano now! (Bzt!)
I think I'm only gonna need the middle one. (Bzt!)
With my age... my magic may have just become a liability. (Bzt!)
*Inspecting hoof* Hmm... The ponies aren't going to be seeing much of me from now on. (Bzt! Bzt! Bzzzzzt!)
Your highness! Have you no shame?!
It's funny 'cause it's true.
*Slaps the back of Star's head with her wing*
"What the Whose Line cast says in their sleep"
I think there's more money in being a royal guard. (Bzt!)
No one knows it's a wig... (Bzt!)
Nopony ever has to know about what you had to do to get two jobs. (Bzt!) Oh, Hi boss.. (Bzt!)
Oh, Luna... Go away... I'm trying to have lucid fun with your sister... (BZZZZT!)
God! Enough of the sex jokes... "What you would do if you had Discord's powers"
Kids... Your parents lied to you. Money DOES grow on trees. (Bzt!)
Gah! Don't raise the sun yet! I only had four hours of sleep! *claps hooves twice* There we go. (Bzt!)
Welcome back to more Whose Line! The show that never ends... for some reason.
Wait until we play all the games at least once.
Well, we can cut corners since nothing with props is going to work in this format.
Shame... I was looking forward to hitting Blunt with a giant rubber mallet.
And we just did a second Hoedown.
And whose fault was that?
Careful what you say about my moon candy...
She's finally gone now. What can she do?
Anyway--
SHOT! *Takes a quick sip of water*
Whatever. Let's move onto a game called "Show-stopping Number". This is for all four of you. How this game is played is Dull and Blunt are going to begin a scene with Solid and Star coming in later. And whenever they hear the buzzer, *Bzt!*, the last pony to speak has to break out into a short song using that last line.
That is going to be abhorently difficult since none of us grew up in Ponyville.
Hard for you, but I have quick thinking skills.
Alright, anyway--
SHOT! *Runs back to chair and gulps more water*
Stop it! Now... What I need from the audience is a boring setting that is in desperate need of livening up...
Office!School!Hospital!Dog kennel!
Haha! I heard "dog kennel"! So, Dull and Blunt, your scene is, you're two dogs in a kennel. And... eh, that's all I'm gonna give you. Take it away whenever you're ready.
Blunt was pacing back and forth in a frustrated manner in an enclosed pen. He growled in irritation. "Gah, I'm sick of always having to stay at this kennel! My owners just went on their eighth vacation this year!"
"Aw, come on," said Dull. "It can't be so bad if you've been here so many times. Surely you've gotten used to the food."
"Oh, don't kid yourself!" Blunt replied. "This is only your first day! You haven't had the food! It's tasted like crap every time I've been here!" (Bzt!)
It's tasted - like crap Every time I've been here It's like they fill our bowls From straight out their rears
One of these days I'll make them eat it themselves And there'll be nothing left of them But their brains up on shelves
Dull was confused. "What are you trying to say?"
"I'm going to snap one day." Blunt continued. "And when I do, I'll force feed them the slop, then... eat them until only their brains are left... for... scientific studies! I suppose!"
Dull disregarded his new friend's rant. "Well, while you plot your evil deed. I'm gonna see if I'm still cute enough to beg for a treat." He runs up to the fence of the pen and calls out for attention. "Hey! Does anyone want to pet me?! Anyone? C'mon! Whose leg I gotta hump to get a treat around here?! (Bzt!)
Whose leg I gotta hump To get a treat around here? I know you can hear me You ponies have big ears
Do I need to hump you? Do I need to hump him? 'Cause I'll hump anything On any little whim
Blunt puzzled until his new companion returned to his side. "Uh. Remind me not to play fetch later on." Suddenly, an idea popped into his head. "I know something else we can do!"
"What is it?"
"Instead of me eating the workers, I can just tackle them down and have you hump them until they give in and get better food."
"I hump for love, not torture." Dull objected.
One of the workers came around the corner and laid his eyes upon the two of them. "Ah," Solid said. "I see you made friends with the new guy."
Blunt grumbled in acknowledgement.
"Oh, come on. Just speak. We all know you can talk." (Bzt!)
Come on! Just speak! We all know you can talk! We've all known since the time You caught me eating chalk
But enough about me I'm here for you two I'm gonna get you neutered And feed some new slop to you
Solid placed down a bowl of an unknown substance while Dull looked noticeably shocked. "Wait, what?!" He yelped.
"Yep!" Solid replied. "You're gonna be eating this new stuff, while I take Old Yeller out to get fixed."
"What?!" Blunt shouted as Solid picked him up in his front hooves. "But I got neutered three years ago!"
Solid responded. "Well, it was YOUR owners who paid the extra, so you're coming with me."
"Wait!" Another voiced halted Solid's exit. "We don't offer services to have pets neutered during the owners' absence." Star explained to his confused co-worker. "They paid the extra to have him put in his own extra large pen."
"You mean the one where we serve that new food?" Solid asked, gesturing to the bowl Dull took a mouthful of.
"It's pretty good actually." Dull answered.
Star took Blunt away from Solid and set him down. "You know where the pen is. I need to stay here and lecture my friend." (Bzt!)
I need to stay here And lecture my friend This big mistake of yours Almost meant your end
You need to learn that They depend on us If I hadn't stopped you It'd've cost him his pe-nuss BZZZZZZZZZTTTTTT!!!
Oh, we're doomed. Can't we go one game without a sex joke?!
I'd like that too. I want to be able to not fear for my life.
I'm so sorry. Apparently, you do need to be from Ponyville to spontaneously burst into song properly.
Well, a thousand points to each of you. Though I'm gonna dock Star half of his.
Figured.
We have more Whose Line coming along. Don't go away!
Welcome back once again! I just checked with our producers, we shouldn't be getting canned yet. Now, let's move onto a game called "Change Letter", this is for all four of you. Now how this game is played is--
Solid! Drink!
*Sigh* How this game is played is you are going to act out a scene as normal, but the twist is you can't use a certain letter, you need to replace it with another one. Your scene is: Solid is an extreme sports enthusiast attempting to break a record. Star is his supportive mare-friend... *Holds up sign saying "laugh"*
*Audience laughs*
...And Dull and Blunt are the paramedics coming to Star's aid when the stunt goes horribly wrong and he injures himself. Throughout the scene, you cannot use the letter "S", you need to replace it with "D". Can't say "S", gotta use "D". So whenever you're ready, take it away.
Solid is standing proudly at the top of a ramp. Cheers from the audience gathered to witness the feat roared throughout the stadium. Solid's marefriend, Star, along with several reporters, were behind them with looks of anticipation. Solid sighed, "I can't wait to break the long jump record. It will be a day for me to remember throughout my entire life."
Star came up and rested his front legs on Solid's shoulders. "Oh, dweetheart! I am do... excited for thid! I can't believe the princedded are here to dee you triumph too!"
"But of courde!" Solid replied. "It id only the mod't incredible d-tunt that Equed-tria had ever deen! Doon, they will all be dreaming my name! Dick Move!"
"You dhould probably get ready for the jump." Star remarked.
"Aw, yed! They have waited long enough." Solid walks to the edge of the ramp and readies his skateboard. The crowd's cheering crescendoed as Solid began his descent down the slope.
Everything was going perfectly. Solid was striking a pose as he launched off the end of the ramp and soared through the air. But suddenly, he caught the front wheels of his skateboard on the edge of the other ramp. He flipped over and tumbled violently down the ramp, sliding to a complete stop in excruciating pain. "Ahhhhhhh!!!" He cried out. "Help Me! I think I broke my d'pine! Among other thingd."
A couple of paramedics, whom were at the sidelines for just such an emergency are quick to jump in and help. Blunt arrived with his partner, Dull, in tow. "Wee-woo! Wee-woo! Wee-woo!" He sounded the alarm.
"Do you have to do that every time?!" Dull asked in an annoyed tone.
"Dorry..."
"Hey!" Solid regained their attention. "I could ude dome help here! Ow, my d'pleen."
Hey welcome back to Whose Line is it anyway! And uh... As you may have noticed, we have ourselves a group of spies among our midst, so... Can we play the intro theme again? *Music plays* Thank you!
Representing the US navy, his name is a bold-faced lie,Black Gryphon!
Representing the US army, South Park is too scared to sue,Tweak!
Representing the US marine corps, all that running is so he can escape his marefriend,Firebrand!
And representing the US air force, a former fillysitter of the royal sisters,Silvermane!
Aaaand cut! *Music stops* Now these four gentlecolts are here to take the place of our main actors for a few games so--
So Star can keep rutting the princess?
*Leans over and whispers into Tweak's ear*
I know very well that it's a running gag. Why don't get a sense of humour and play along?
It's not even a good joke!
You're not a good joke!
Cheese.
*Audience laughs*
Had to say something to get the focus off you brats.
Oh! Let me try! Marmalade!
*Audience giggles*
There are some words that need a certain tone with them. Try it like this: MMMMmmmAAaarrmalaaaaaa-de.
*Audience laughs awkwardly*
You guys are no fun.
Canada!
*Audience laughs*
Hey!
Okay. If you are all situated, let's move onto a game called... "Helping Hooves". In this game, Silvermane will be acting out the part of a newly-hired fillysitter.
Well, who and what else? I've been doing it since the dawn of time.
Haha. Aaaand Tweak is going to be the mother of the baby standing behind this table full of appropriate items explaining to Silvermane how to do the job. Because Luna knows he needs to be reminded every now and then with his age.
I did forget to take my Daemitol this morning.
Hahaha! How ironic. *ahem* But Tweak cannot use his front hooves. Instead he will have Firebrand standing behind him providing his hooves for the scene.
*Walks over and grabs Gryphon* C'mere, Brandy.
Oh! So army soldiers ARE scared of marines!
*Pushes Gryphon back to his seat* Fine, get behind me.
Not until after you treat me to dinner.
I'll happily spoon-feed you whatever's left on this table after we're done.
But when will we have time for the scene?
Can we GET to the scene?! Silvermane, stand to the side. Tweak, put on the apron. Firebrand... behave. Now, whenever you're ready, take it away.
Tweak, the mother of a young infant filly, had just hired Silvermane to look after her little bundle of joy while she was out with friends for the night. Although he was fully qualified for the job, she felt the need to review some of the basic tasks to insure her filly's safety.
They were both standing at the kitchen table with all the materials that Silvermane would need. "Thank you ever so much for coming over to help." Tweak said in delight. "It can be so troubling to find a fillysitter these days. You wouldn't believe how many ponies said 'no'."
"Oh, it's no problem at all." Silvermane replied. "I look after my 3 nephews once a month. I know how to handle mischief." As if on cue, a milk bottle toppled over the side of the table down to the floor. Silvermane used his fine-toned reflexes to catch it in mid-air and place it back on top. "...Like I said."
"I am terribly sorry about that." Tweak remarked. "I didn't want to include this in the want ad for fear of scaring off more potential sitters, but my child is what we may call 'special'. She sometimes has these sparks that she can't control, and things just spontaneously move on their own."
"Aw, be proud of that." Silvermane quipped. "It's merely a sign that she'll be a great sorceress one day."
"Thank you." She picks up the bottle that had previously fallen. "But anyway, you know how to feed milk to a baby, right?"
"Of course."
"Well, it's not enough to just spritz some on your knee to test the temperature." She demonstrates the aforementioned technique. "For my child... I always like to taste-test it first." She tips the bottle towards her mouth and begins to take a sip. She then jerks it up and appeared to try to forcefully shove the entire nozzle into her mouth. Milk was leaking out of the corner of her mouth as started to sputter and show resistance to her own action.
Tweak brings the bottle back down to the table and starts coughing and spitting with milk dripping down her chin. "Oh, that's right!" She states between her gasps. "I'm feeding her formula instead. Nice and warm too."
Silvermane asks, "are you okay?"
"Oh, it's nothing a mother can't handle." She continues with her overview by clumsily patting her front hooves all over the table until she picks up a can of baby food and a tiny plastic spoon. "Now, you'll have to feed her dinner while I'm gone. This should be fairly simple. Put on her bib, sit her down in her chair, and take little spoonfuls nice and slowly." She unscrews the can of food and scoops up a tiny pile of the nutritious mush. "Now I have a very specific procedure on how to feed her, or else she just won't eat." She starts waving the spoon around and making airplane noises.
"Not the first time I've seen that." Silvermane remarked.
Tweak suddenly flicks the spoon and the food lands just between his nostrils.
"That on the other hoof..."
"Oh, I told you she was special. She is a very fickle eater, and a much better catch than I am." Tweak licks the food off of his mug and swallows it. "As long as you do it from about 6 inches away from her face, she'll get it every time. No mess even." She angles the rest of the can toward her and the rest of the food launches out like a cannon and splatters all over her apron. "Sometimes, when her magic does that, she'll have to be cradled so she can lick it off your chest." She swipes and takes a small hoof-ful and offers it to Silvermane. "Want to try some?"
"Uhhhh-Uh I'm good, thank you." He stutters.
"Well--" Tweak brings her hoof up to her mouth and licks it clean. "I say we move onto diaper changing." She continues as she wipes her hoof furiously all over her shoulder to dry it off. "Naturally, one of the parts that nopony looks forward to when tending to an infant. But nonetheless, someone has to do it."
"I have changed diapers before, but I suspect you have a certain trick to that as well?" Silvermane inquired.
"But of course!" Tweak picks up the diaper and opens it up. "Now listen closely. You need to--" She was cut off by the diaper flying up and wrapping itself around her mouth and nose. She ignores it and proceeds to mumble out her instructions while miming to indicate tossing, wiping, and sprinkling the powder. She finishes by sticking the small straps at the ends of the diaper together whilst still on her mug. She removes it all done up and presents it and drops it on the table. "...And zippity doo-da, she's ready to crap again in twenty minutes."
The bewildered Silvermane tried to speak up. "Uhhh... There is a point where I need to apply a dash of powder?"
Tweak picks up the nearby can. "Yes. Before taping up the diaper, you need just two small dashes." She demonstrates the proper amount in the first dash by tipping it down toward her other hoof. But for the second dash, she forcefully dumps the rest of the can all over her apron. The slotted lid rolled across the floor and the two of them started to cough when engulfed in a cloud of white dust.
BZZZZZZZZZTTTT!!!
Tsk tsk tsk... Are things like this all the time with you guys?
Just these two.
Yeah, they like to butt more than just heads. It's a barrel of laughs for the rest of us, fortunately.
Does the cleaning crew have anything for me to fumigate my hoof after Tweak slobbered all over it?
Count your blessings. If that apron didn't keep me clean, your clock would be.
I would like to know if Firebrand actually got the memo about "no magic". Thankfully, it didn't detract from the scene.
A good comedian finds the line and intentionally crosses it.
Well, you got a bit of that right.
Hmhm... I wonder how long he'll be pondering that.
Anyway, we'll be right back, everyone. Don't go away!
Remembrance/Veterans Day Special Part 2: Press Conference
Welcome back. Now before some sort of emergency rises and these guys need to bolt, let's move right into a game called Press Conference. This is for all four of you. Gryphon, if you don't mind, take this pedestal prop out to the right-center portion of the stage. Now in this game, Silvermane is going to be holding a press conference and answering the questions of the other three. However, he does not who he is, and he needs to figure it out through the questions he is being asked.
*Reading card* Oh, god. This shouldn't be that difficult for him.
Well, of course you have to have the old guy answering the questions. There's wisdom is seeing the sh** I saw.
Okay. Now if you're all ready. Take it away.
[Princess Celestia announcing that Discord has turned her into a stallion] *Blacked out for those who may want to guess for themselves* Thank you all for coming on such short notice. I know you must have many more important tasks to tend to, but I promise this will be quick. Yes?
Hi, Short Fuse, I bring coffee and doughnuts to the crew at Canterlot Daily. Uhh, how did you feel when you first found out?
Well, I was worried at first. But after looking on the bright side, I felt fairly ecstatic. Yeah?
Jim Phillips, Jim Phillips' Inquirer. How have you been trying to keep this a secret up until now?
A copious amount of bed sheets. You'd be surprised at what they can conceal, especially the fitted ones. Uh, yes?
Tiny Wit, I'm here for a school project. Why did you want to go public with this?
Well, I'm terrible at keeping secrets, honestly. So I figured I should do it like this so that nopony thinks of me as some lousy liar and a snake.
How did the public react before this official announcement?
I have seen looks of bewilderment, confusion and disgust. So I say 'screw 'em!' Yes?
For those who spoke ill of it, would you say you wish for them to... never see the light of day ever again?
That is beneath me. I'm all for free speech. And as I said, screw what they think!
I'm fairly certain I'm not the only pony who would like to know how your sister in particular feels about this development.
Oh, she, on the other hoof, is just as excited as I am. She has found out a whole plethora of opportunities for herself that are just ripe and ready to be exploited... Though, I should probably keep a close eye on her so she doesn't go too far.
Have you noticed some strange goings-on down south?
The south? Ah, it's an endless party down there! It's such great entertainment, really. I couldn't take my eyes off it... Yes sir... It truly is... a wonder. Next question? Please?
How do you expect your student to address you after this change? "Dear... who"?
What are you talking about? I'm still in charge. I say I don't need to change my name. I don't care how strange it'll be for her! Screw her, too!
Surely, such a change is so unusual for the rest of us ponies. We have never seen something like this before, some think it's a little scary. Dare I say it's... chaotic?
You can say that. And you know what? The guy's little prank has back-fired because I'm kinda enjoying it. I'll be sure to have the bastard fix it once I'm tired of it, though. BZZZZZZTTTT!!
Alright, you definitely found out now. Silvermane, who are you?
I am Princess Celestia, and Discord has... turned me into a stallion?
Yes! Well done.
Now that I think about it, I can totally envision a male Celestia having your voice.
Hmm! "To my dearest student, Twilight. Be a pal and pick up some jasmine tea for my sister and I."
Alright, we'll be right back with more fun to squeeze out of these guys, don't go away!
Remembrance/Veterans Day Special Part 3: Bartender
Welcome back! Now, let us move onto our final game before these guys need to leave.
Aw! I would very much like to stay for another Scenes From A Hat.
That is months away. If we do it too often, it will stop being special.
Fair enough.
I am willing to do Hoedowns fairly often, but I don't want you guys to hate me. So let's finish off your visit with a game called "Bartender"! Gryphon, you're gonna be standing up here at this bar counter we have on the stage, you're going to be the guy serving drinks to the other three at your bar. Firebrand, Tweak and Silvermane will be coming in one at a time, and they will sing about their problems to Gryphon, and he will give his thoughts or advice on their matters in the same fashion.
Why am I the one who has to do the most singing? I do my best when I have a script. And Applebloom.
Then it should be a barrel of laughs to see you mess up. Let's start with Silvermane. Audience, what is Silvermane frustrated about?
... Those damn kids won't get off of his lawn!
Haha! Those damn kids... won't get off of your lawn.
We get it!!
*Audience boos*
Every part needs a pooper, that's why they invited you...--why they invited me...
Party pooper... party pooper...
Ahem! Now, whenever you're ready Silvermane, Wing Maid. Take it away.
Can you smoke in here?
No. Leave it outside, if you please.
Listen to me I have been dealing with something for the past week now I cannot handle it - anymore I need to get rid of them, but how? You see these kids Are treating my lawn like a theme park I tried everything I even wagged my cane and barked They left an hour ago I just know that I'll see them later The last thing I heard them say was "Cutie Mark Crusader aeratoooors"
I see - Those three Don't seem to know how to take a hint I suspect they only do it Because you're too frail to sprint But I know what you can do This whole thing doesn't have to be a bummer If you're good with words - and you can afford it Why not give them a job over summerrrrr?
*Audience cheers*
Well done! See? You don't need your marefr-- partner.
*Audience oohs*
...O-or a script. Uhh, Tweak! Come on up! Now Tweak is excited about something. What is he excited about?
*Audience shouts incoheretly* ... Take your kid to work day!
Take your kid to work day! Tweak, you're excited about take your kid to work day. A rather specific one, I suppose they were just waiting for the opportunity.
Or maybe the author--
Hush. Now whenever you're ready...
Oh wow! Fifty percent off today?!
Yes! The usual, my friend?
Please...
Oh boy - Today's the day I'll need more than one round for this! My privates are--... I cannot believe how much I miss I need to watch my mouth For their kids are gonna be there While their daddies are running the course I'll be sure to beware I'll do something special Yes! I can do that I'll let your marefriend be sergeant for a day So long as she doesn't break my hat
Oh my This is new I've never heard of this But it seems you know what to do Drill sergeant for a day Sounds rather fun Give her two of her own hats So that I can have one I have an idea of my own Now don't take offense I think we should make a song for you To use as a marching cadence
*Audience cheers*
Alright! Very nice! Now Firebrand. Firebrand is afraid of something--
Me!
Harhar...
His fangirls?
No. Let's get a-- Actually... Yeah!
Nooo...
Forget the audience. Firebrand is scared of his fangirls!
No no no!
Take it away!
Gah!
Why the long face, stranger?
Graaaargh!
Want something to drink?
I don't need a drink - I want time to think A mare I know seems to love me a bit too much I've been running and hiding - and in you, I'm confiding Don't you make jokes on the matter and such I see hearts in her eyes - her lust, it never dies She keeps waiting for me to answer her call It's times like this - that I wish I acquired a taste for alcohooool
My friend... You should be flattered To choose over fear and a cute mare(meh) I think I would take the latter Frankly, dear boy She could be one to make you dance Are you not the kind of guy Who gives everything a chance? But since you're not a proper patron You're not gettin' much help from me(So I've seen) But here's a glass of ice - and some advice ...FireRose OTPeeeeeeee
*Audience cheers wildly*
Very nice!
Ahahahaaa! Yes...
I should probably put that on my own video.
You better ship your butt back out to sea if you know what's good for you.
Oh, there WILL be shipping, my flaming friend.
Uhh... Gryphon.
Yeah?
Run.
Huh? Oh. Flaming. *Bolts from behind bar and gets chased backstage*
And that is all from our esteemed guests, give them a round of applause everyone!
*Audience gives extended standing ovation*
*Firebrand and Black Gryphon reappear*
Now, if you guys don't mind... Front and center!
Oh no...
No, don't worry, I'm not gonna do that. Before you go, it's only fitting that we all give a proper farewell. Everyone, salute!
*Everyone in the studio raises their front-right hooves and touches them to their foreheads with knees out to the side*
Thank you all for being here, it was a great pleasure. Thank you for your service, here at the studio, and most importantly out in the world doing what you do best. To the four of you specifically, Semper Filly! And to everyone else, we will be right back with our usual band of misfits, don't go away!
Heeeeeello and welcome back! We have our main cast back. Let's get right on to our next game.
We're not special enough to get re-introduced?
Nope. Now let's move onto a game called Dubbing. This is for Solid, Dull, and Blunt. And I am going to go up into the audience to find someone to help us out.
Help? We haven't been gone that long.
Now, I know your name, as does everyone. But for the sake of how the show works, what is your name?
Princess Twilight Sparkle.
*Audience cheers*
Princess Twilight--
Oh, dear lord...
...Please join our three performers.
I smell a conspiracy!
No, that's just the asbestos in the ceiling. Now how this game is played is we are going to have Solid sitting over here beside my desk with this microphone. He is going to provide all the dialogue for Twilight as she interacts with Dull and Blunt, who can speak freely and act out the scene normally. All Twilight has to do is move her lips to Solid's words as the scene progresses.
No one gets to hear my wonderful voice?
It must be preserved and kept special because it is so wonderful.
Awww, thank you.
Now, your scene is... Dull and Blunt are two bickering college roommates arguing over their professor's young and attractive assistant, Twilight, when Dull approaches her in hopes of treating her to dinner after she finishes off a lecture. So whenever you're ready, take it away, your highness.
Dull and Blunt are sitting adjacent to each other in their classroom, enthralled by their professor's assistant, Twilight, giving the final summary of the lecture. She spoke in a strangely attractive falsetto voice. "...And so in conclusion, according to the multiverse theory, any world that your imagination could muster does in fact exist in some plane." Bell rings. "Study hard!"
Blunt was heading towards the door when he noticed his roommate, Dull, walking up to her.
Dull shifted nervously as he approached her. "So, Uhh... That was a good lecture. You really should be the one teaching all this stuff. I feel like I actually listen and learn for once. I'll be honest, Mr. Crimson is rather boring."
She giggles. "Oh, I agree. All he ever wants to do is sleep over there in his chair. In fact, he's having me grade all the exams later on."
Blunt started to come up from behind Dull as he proposed an idea. "Well, how about when you're done, I treat you to dinner? You deserve it after working so hard."
Blunt finally speaks up. "What do you think you're doing?"
Dull responds, "I'm just trying to be nice friend and give her something to make her job worthwhile."
"Oh, come on! I know what you're trying to do. You really think she'll fall for a colt like you? You're twice her age!"
"Hey! It's not my fault my parents couldn't afford to send me to college! And it took me 30 years to save up the money to get here on my own! I'll be damned if I don't milk every opportunity I have!"
Twilight got between them. "Wait! There's no need to raise your voices." She turns to Dull. "I'd love to take you up on your offer. I'm always so overworked. Anything would be appreciated to help me get away from it all. And I have always loved to go out with older colts to spite my father." She starts to look deep in his eyes. "Oh, I'm starting to feel intoxicated the more I speak with you. I can't help it anymore! Kiss me, you fool!" She immediately wraps her hooves around Dull's head and plants a forceful embrace.
Blunt watches in awe as his friend makes out with Twilight. "Where the hell did that come from?!"
Twilight breaks away nervously. "I-- Uhhh...." She stays silent for moment before suddenly jumping over to Blunt to kiss him as well. She quickly breaks away from him and looks down to the floor in guilt. "I'm-I'm so sorry! I don't know where that came from either. But my, are you a good kisser."
Blunt cracked a smile. "Ah! Well in that case, how about I take you out for dinner?"
"What?!" Dull interjected. "She already said yes to me! We're both hard-working ponies, so I think that makes me the better choice."
"I think she made it obvious that I'm the better kisser."
"Well you can forget about being my friend anymore!"
Twilight breaks them up again. "Stop! I can't stand to get between two friends. If you're going to be like that, then I don't want any part of this!"
Dull tries to talk back. "No, we can work this out!"
"No!" Twilight suddenly turns away and pounces onto the professor who was sleeping in his chair, knocking them over to the ground.
[Meanwhile, in the studio, Twilight is kissing Star passionately in his toppled over chair. The audience is in hysterics and Drew is having trouble hitting the buzzer from being bent over in laughter.]
...I did NOT make her do that.
Oh god! *Smacks buzzer repeatedly.* No more, please!
*Twilight returns to her seat with her head buried in her wing in both laughter and embarrassment.*
Okay, uh... No more royalty.
What?! *Star sets his chair back up and crawls out from underneath* But that means I'll never go 4 for 4!
And that's a bad thing?
I'd like to reiterate that I only had her kiss Dull. The other two were all her! Princesses be crazy.
At this rate, I'd rather have Discord as a guest. Despite how much fun Celestia would surely have.
I'm almost inclined to agree. Though I shouldn't complain... *Rubs lips*
Well. We'll be right back. Hopefully within one week.
Welcome back to more Whose Line! I am rather surprised we haven't needed an extended break yet.
Speak for yourself. We missed out on three games to do our own things.
I meant I haven't needed to say goodbye to the audience yet. Then begin a new show. I feel like it's 3 am.
Does anyone in the audience have a watch?!
Let's just ignore space-time mumjo jumbo for a bit and move onto a game called... "Three-headed Broadway Star". This is for Star, Blunt, and Dull. Now what these three are going to do is they are going to sing a song side-by-side so they resemble a three-headed pony, and they are going to make up the song one word at a time in sequence.
Are you sure these two can copy my voice? Because...
Ha. Now you three are going to be singing about a pony you miss dearly. Audience, what kind of a pony would they miss?
Mother!Uncle!Roommate!
Roommate! And who would their roommate be?
Vinyl Scratch!Fluttershy!Berry Punch!
Fluttershy! You guys are going to sing a song about Fluttershy and how much you miss her as your roommate. Take it away, Wing Maid.
Welcome back to more Whose Line, the show that never ends. It just goes on and on, my friends.
Are you saying that we're meant to annoy others, not entertain?
Not necessarily. But let's find out with a game called "Action Replay". This is for all four of you. Now Star and Solid are going to start this game off while Dull and Blunt come and sit by the desk for the moment. Star and Solid are going to perform a short scene while Dull and Blunt listen to loud music with these noise-cancelling headsets. They will create their own interpretation of the scene using the movements they observe.
Since when were these invented in our world?
Are you finally questioning the existence of all these cameras, lights, sound systems, my buzzer--
Alright, alright... *Puts on headset* Oh, that's loud.
Any way, Star and Solid, your scene is you are scaling a snowy mountain when a blizzard suddenly starts up and you need to seek shelter.
Take it away!
Solid and Star were hiking up a steep mountain. They were making great headway up their path as they stomped through the the thick snow.
"It's such a lovely day outside, isn't it?" Solid asked, stomping up at an incline.
"Yeah, but we're supposed to get rain soon," Star replied, looking up and around cautiously. "I know for sure those damned Mountain Ranger Pegasi are gonna screw with us." He sighed and shook his head, looking over at his leathery wings. "I can't believe you made me put these wing clamps on! It's like you don't trust me not to fly on without you."
Solid punched him in a foreleg playfully. "Yeah yeah. Come on, we're almost at the lookout zone! Wait, oh no!" He paused, eyes widening in terror. "Windigos!"
Star began to chuckle. "Oh, come on. It's so nice out--" He was cut off by a ghostly howl that picked up the wind. He hopped up next to Solid in fear. "Ah! What was that?!"
Solid pushed his head down and ducked. "No, hide! Can't you feel it? There's already a blizzard! We'll freeze to death unless we can get out of the open!"
"Well maybe if my wings weren't clamped shut I could fly us--"
"There!" The earth pony pointed to the right. "A cave! Windigos are afraid of caves ever since Hearths Warming!" With a diving leap, Solid reached his goal. Star repeated, falling on top of him. "Ah, gah, damn it, get off you damn bat!" Star clambered off, and they both stood up. "Okay we should be safe in here!"
Star looked around, then gasped and pointed. "Look! What is it?" They both approached the point. "It looks like... some kind of amulet." He picked it up and inspected it. "I don't believe it... the alicorn amulet. It's said that whoever wears it has their magic amplified tenfold. Unicorns become archmages. Earth ponies strong as dragons. Pegasi and thestrals... as strong as..." He started to drool as he brought his hooves closer to his neck.
"Let me see that!" Solid snatched it out of his hooves, then turned it over and narrowed his eyes. "Wait a second..." His eyes widened in shock. "Made in Chineigh?!" BZZZZZZZZZTTTT!!
Alright, nicely done, you two. Now... Dull and Blunt are going to make up their own scene using the movements they saw you do.
Can I finish listening to this song first?
We don't have time. Now, whenever you're ready...
Dull and Blunt step out into the latter's yard. Blunt expresses his disdain, "Larry! I am sick of your dog wrecking my yard!" On cue, he stepped into a pile of excrement and held his hoof up off the ground in disgust. "Gaaaahhhh.... This is the third time!"
"I am so sorry about that." Dull responded sympathetically. He starts to look around the yard for any possible entrance points. "I don't know how he keeps getting in. Your yard seems perfectly secure to me."
Blunt hits Dull's leg with his dirty hoof subconsciously. "Well keep trying! 'Cause--" His eyes widen at the realization of his mistake. "Okay, that was my bad." He finally wipes his hoof off on some clean grass.
Dull became livid with disgust with the crap on his leg. "I'm so mad, I can't even concentrate on moving." All of the sudden, an unusually shaped toy aircraft swooped in from behind him, causing Dull to jump to Blunt's side. "Gah! What the hell was that!"
The aircraft turned and dove toward Blunt. He covered his head and ducked down to avoid collision. "What the hell?! That was your dog!" Dull's dog was flying around in the sky in some sort of jetpack-like contraption. It soon started to come down low in another horizontal approach. Blunt pointed toward the dog in alert. "He's coming in by the right!" he dove down to the ground to evade the kamikaze dog pilot.
Dull quickly dove in the same direction directly on top of Blunt in hopes of his dog missing him as well. He stood back up swept himself off. "Oh that was close. That's why he was able to invade your lawn!"
"Oh really?" Blunt quickly scrambled upright. "What tipped you off?"
"I don't know where or how he got that thing. But he must be just dropping 'bombs' all over the place." Dull gasps as he notices a small metal piece at a different part of the yard. "Look over there! Something must have broken off!" he trotted over to inspect the part.
Blunt followed him. "No wonder he went away, his machine is falling apart."
Dull picked up the part. It was vibrating immensely. "Oh, wow!" He had a quick idea and decided to hold it up to his neck to receive a massage from the doohickey. "Ooh. That feels nice, actually."
Blunt takes it out of his hoof and examines it himself. "Wait a minute..." He stares intently at it. "I recognize the colour and shape of this thing." He suddenly reared his head as he gasped and widened his eyes. "That's why my wife and I started having sex again!" BZZZZZZZTTTT!!
Ahaha! That's the kind of dog I wouldn't mind having to deal with. I want him to dismantle my wife's toys too.
Ahh! You ruined the ambiguity!
Oh, come on. You know it was obvious to everyone.
Heheheh. Dull should be glad I didn't do any crazy dancing.
I'd look stupid doing the worm anyway.
That's it for now, everyone! I need help with more original outros!
{Deleted scenes and other material that went nowhere}
Greatest Hits We'll be right back with the documentary on colour-blind epileptics, 50,000 Shades of Grey, in just a moment.
But right now, have we got a CD set for you?!
CDs? Those were invented in our world?
Oh yeah! Just last Tuesday.
Ah! Oh, how I wish I could time travel to see that breakthrough.
Well we haven't invented a machine to do THAT yet. And you're too old to use that spell.
There's a spell for that? Anyway, time travel!
Yes, we have compiled 294 songs onto 295 CDs all about time travel. And Dull... Who is the first person to come to mind when you think about time travel?
Who?
Exactly.
Who is the person?
Precisely! Who is the person.
Since when did Abbot and Costello travel back in time?
*Snickers* No, Dull... I'll give you a hint: Doctor.
Doctor? Doctor who?
Yes! Doctor Who!
... *Bonks Blunt on the forehead* Speak english, ya knucklehead.
No! Doctor Who is the name of the character!
What?
No, Who! *Chuckles* Ah, we can't get too mad at you. You were too old for it. Anyway... When we think of Doctor Who, we think of that iconic theme song. So mysterious and electronic.
Ah! Electronic music. Now that's something I'm too old for. Well, whenever I hear electronic music, it's usually made a very talented young fellow who's simply known as "Tombstone". And this next song is a collaboration of Tombstone and a good friend of his, I think his name's Mike. So let's hear a snippet of that Tombstone and Mike electronic hit, "Party in the Wormhole!"
Weird Newscasters Hello and welcome to the 6:00 news. I'm your anchor, T'Colin Mochrie-Bird. Our top story tonight: The beloved Energizer Bunny found dead in his apartment last night. I know, we are all sad. But not as much as his distraught lover whom was found alongside the deceased. Through extensive examination and interviews, investigators found that his heart gave out due to sexual hyper-stimulation. His girlfriend admitted she had mistakenly installed his batteries in backwards, and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...
*Audience, crew members, and co-stars all groan*
I'm so sorry...
Party Quirks (with special guest, Princess Celestia) Cheese Sandwich as a musical insult comic Intrepid Australian cave explorer who sends the other guests through the obstacles to test if they're safe Army of narcoleptic Pinkie Pie clones (Irrelavent)
Sometime later on in the party gala...
Celestia had just greeted Dull at the front doors. "Welcome to the gala. I hope you have--"
"Fun?!" Dull snaps with a toothy smile, cutting the princess off. He skips around the room on all fours in every which direction (to the best of his abilities). "Fun! Fun-fun! Fun fun fun-fun! Fu--" He suddenly collapses down onto the floor and begins snoring.
Star crawls over to Dull's side. "Crikey! This one's out cold!"
Dull immediately hopped back up and continued like it didn't happen.
Solid dances on his hind legs and plays an invisible accordion. He a song for Celestia. "Hey Princess! You need to lay off the cake... I mean look at you! For goodness sake! If I see one more piece pass your lips... Your flank'll become so wide, it'll be impossible to eclipse."
Celestia had had enough of her annoying musical "entertainment" and decided to confront him.
Meanwhile, Star was trying to wake Dull back up after he had fallen asleep a second time. "C'mon, mate!" Dull woke up and tried to skip away. "Listen..."
"Okay, Cheese..." Celestia began with her expulsion. "I didn't invite you here to insult me and the other guests..." She paused when she felt her tail being lifted off the ground.
"Through these vines, mate!" Star prepped a once again unconscious Dull for trekking through a "cave". "Don't worry! Those spiders only attack on wednesdays!" He tosses Dull underneath Celestia's hind legs and lands him just below her chest.
Dull springs back to life- "Fun!" -and inadvertently hits his head on Celestia's chin, causing her to tumble backward and lose her balance.
Star, who was still holding up the princess' tail, soon found himself with a face full of the princesses backside as it pushed and held him to the ground. He started flailing his legs around and letting out severely muffled screams.
After a split second, which was still more than enough to cause damage, Celestia returned to her hooves. She tiptoed off to the side with a massive look of discomfort on her face as she clenched her thighs together.
Dull skipped over to Star with a smile, who now had a distinct smell radiating from his mug. "Fun?"
Star looked as though he was gazing into the future. "Oy, mate... I could see forevah!" He started to bring all four of his legs together on top of his torso and roll to his side so his back faced the audience.
Celestia, still feeling violated, shakily asks Drew, "Mind if I leave?"
Drew had his forehead glued to his desk when he responded. "I'm surprised you haven't already."
This game didn't have the necessary substance at first. I figured I would just make a portion of it into a scene that could act as an excuse not to be canon. Yes, Star is 4 for 4 now... just not as far as we're concerned.
Scenes From A Hat ..."Why the moon glimmers at night."
As you would imagine, I got rather bored. So--
*Audience gasps and laughs*
Oh my god! Haha!
That's my boss!
What?! I just polished it!
...Oh god. *Turns away with front hoof to his forehead*
Ohoho! *Bzt! Bzt!* I don't think we can let that be canon.
What?! What did I say?!
Hoedown A princess is my marefriend - and I have a plan To reap all the perks - as best as I can I pretend to love her - I stay with her 'til I die I don't care much for her - but the castle has free wi-fi! the ca-stle has free wi-fiiiiii!
I worked up a little deal: I combined two games. It's a combo of "Authors" and "Hey You Down There". So this oughta be interesting. Two games forgotten in the archives making a vengeful comeback. This is for all five of you. The scene will be performed by Celestia and--
*Spritzes seven more times rapidly*
Solid!
What?!
Really?!
Yes. And Dull, Blunt, and Star are going to be the narrators of the scene. They are going to narrate/dictate the progression of the scene in various styles of written scriptures. Now what I need from the audience is three types of novel genres or whatever you can think of...
A Sears catalogue?! Umm... Yeah! Let's see how that turns out. Dull will be narrating the scene as an over-the-top action, Star will handle the erotica, and Blunt will do the catalogue. When I buzz, *Bzt!* we move onto the next narrator in the sequence. The scene itself will be an excerpt from the diary of Princess Celestia. Last thing I need from the audience is a suggestion for something Celestia would write about in her diary that involves another pony...
Not enough cake!
No...
Yes!
That joke's never going to die, is it?
Hey, if Firebrand can learn to embrace a gag, so can you. So let's begin the scene with Star narrating a diary passage normally then shortly after, *Bzt!*, as his style. Take it away!
Dear diary, I have been feeling empty lately. I soon realized that it was the lack of sweets on the menu. I decided to go down to the royal kitchen and have a friendly chat with the chef. I intended to have a wide variety of pastries and cakes before dinner tonight. *Bzt!* The chef looked deep into my eyes. The world around us faded away as our faces came closer to meeting. Our eyes half-lidded, our lips wetting, my spine shivering with anticipation! He lifted his hoof to my chin--*Bzt!*
A great way to get the attention of anypony in the food industry is with eye-catching jewelry. This fine 18-piece ruby-studded necklace is no exception. With only the finest of gems to fit on such attire, it is sure to give a pleasant glimmer and make for envious acquaintances. Regular retail price: 630 bits. *Bzt!*
But all of the sudden, it morphed into a blood-sucking alien! Free of its disguise, it feasted upon my neck! I was powerless to combat the leech. The chef thought quickly and expertly tossed his knife in a way that sliced the attacker in half while leaving my throat untouched. The alien squirmed and gasped for breath as it writhed on the floor. I stood proudly and stomped on its head to deliver the killing blow! The green blood that spewed from under my hoof corroded a hole into floor and ruined my crystal slipper. *Bzt!*
The chef took a rag and knelt down in front of me. He lifted my sullied hoof and slowly caressed it with the cloth, cleaning it of any residual fluid. He leaned down and kissed my clean hoof. My mind was filled with only one question: Could my next treat be any better? *Bzt!*
Any kitchen remodeling is incomplete without the proper wax. Hoofman's Tile Wax will fill in those unsightly spots and leave a seamless finish. *Bzt!*
But the chef wasn't a chef at all! He was an a assassin sent by my jealous ex-coltfriend! He donned a black mask and tossed a metal star in my direction. I caught it just inches away from my face and sent it back at him. It grazed his left leg and made him convulse on the floor. *Bzt!*
I felt horrible about what I have done. I approached him with my heart filled with regret and sorrow. My one true lover, cut down in his prime before his sworn duty could be fulfilled. He looked up at me with alluring ruby eyes and placed his hoof upon my ample bosom. I bowed down to touch my mug to his. He wanted ever so badly to grant my wish. He had written down his secret recipe on a small card. *Bzt!*
A black forest cake suited for any fancy occasion.-- *Bzt!*
But suddenly a fiery comet crashes through the window and hits the recipe! Seconds later, a secret experimental laser bombards the recipe with hyper-violet mercury rays! Then it is doused with mysterious chemicals, struck by the mystical powers on the horse gods, bitten my a radioactive parasprite, and taught the arcane ability to cloud colts' minds by an inscrutable monk!"Wow... That hardly ever happens." *BZZZZZZZZTTTT!!!*
Nicely done! Thank you very much, Your Highness.
And nothing bad happened.
Yes, it went swimmingly.
*Fidgets in his seat*
Too bad, so sad, my nocturnal friend.
Thank you very much for having me here. I had fun.
We were hoping.
*Bows and teleports out*
What's next for guest stars now that we've exhausted all the alicorn royalty?
I'd be more aware of what you're saying when your chair starts blinking at you.
Huh? *Looks back to see a pair of eyes on the back of his chair.* AAH!
*Chuckles* I do love making grown ponies jump.
When can we get normal guests?
There's no such thing as normal in this world, so we may as well embrace. And that is it for now everyone! Don't go away!
Welcome back! Now I don't know about you, but I feel there's something amiss...
Could it be my talking chair?
Nah, I think you're just crazy.
It must be if I had chipotle for lunch.
*Vanishes in a flash out from underneath Solid and reappears center-stage with a disgusted expression*
Discord, everyone!
*Audience cheers*
Hmhmm. Thank you, all.
Why not just get a fifth chair?
*Slowly spritzes mouth with an unamused stare.*
Oh, I can hardly contain myself! What will we be doing? Please let be Living Scenery! *Transforms into a coat rack*
No. One, that's cheating; no magic. Two, we have to go by the cards. And they say... "If you know what I mean"! This is for Discord, Solid, and Dull.
Oh, *poofs back to normal* why must you take me out of my comfort zone?
That's kinda the point of this show.
Anyway, this game is played out like a normal scene. Except the catch is that they need to speak in as many euphemisms or innuendos as they can. Nice and simple. Now the scene is... Solid and Dull are discussing the new guy at their office, when their boss -Discord- comes and joins in on the conversation. Whenever you're ready, take it away.
Solid and Dull were walking around the employee lounge of their office building. They had just poured themselves some coffee and started shooting the breeze. Solid says, "well, we've been having a rough day so far, if you know what I mean."
Dull answered. "I do. My software kept crashing if you know what I mean." He takes a sip from his cup.
Solid continued. "I've been dealing with a lot of difficult clients in my office, if you catch my drift."
Dull had a thought about the new guy in their company cross his mind. It was his first day and he was curious what his new co-workers thought of him. "I hear we have a new guy in the back, if you know what I mean."
"I was the one who had to help him find and get into the back, if you know what I'm sayin'." Solid replied.
Dull argued. "I don't think I would trust him with any secrets..."
Just then, their boss, Discord, enters the lounge and proceeds to join in the conversation. "Have you two gotten acquainted with the new guy, if you know what I mean?" He pours himself a cup of coffee.
"I think I got a little too close for comfort, if you know what I'm talkin' about." Solid answered.
"Yes, he has been quite the eager one since I hired him yesterday." Discord takes a sip. "...If you know what I mean."
Dull sighs. "He hasn't shut up since he saw that picture of my daughter on my desk, if you know what I mean."
Solid spits out his drink in hysterics and wipes his mouth.
Discord replies. "I suppose I might have to get rid of 'take your kid to work day', if you know what I mean."
"Oh, my son never liked it, if you know what I mean." Solid blurts out and continues to curl over.
Dull swung his mug around trying to think of something to add. "...Me neither."
Discord sets down his mug. "Hmm... You know, he hasn't been pulling his weight yet. I'm already considering letting him go. If you know what I mean."
"I think he's the one who has a tight grip on you, if you know what I mean." Dull rebutted.
"How long has he been in the back anyway? If you know I mean." Solid inquired.
"Think he got lost?" Dull asked.
"Well, I've been waiting for him to come out all morning..." Discord crossed his arms in irritation. BZZZZZZZZTTT!!
Ahaha! Oh, what kind of a company are you running, Discord?
Not one that would let these two pass the interview.
Well, anyway, thank you very much for your time.
Good luck with Chryssi... *smiles deviously and vanishes with a snap of his fingers*
Oh god, I hope that game doesn't air...
What's wrong with her? Evil insect queen or not, I'd still-- I'm shutting up.
Well... She's not due for... Actually I'll let it be a surprise. Until next time, we'll be right back! Don't go away!
Hello once again! Welcome back to the studio that never sleeps! ...Because the author says so.
I thought we couldn't be meta!
I'm the host and he's letting me do whatever I want. Now let's move onto a game called--
Don't we have a guest to introduce?
*Glares in irritation* Let's move onto a game called... "Moving Ponies!" This is for Solid and Blunt.
What?
Shouldn't this be my turn?
Yeah, we're supposed to be the "dynamic duo".
It's what it says on the cards. Now how this game is played is Solid and Blunt are going to play out a scene, except they cannot move their bodies on their own. They will need the assistance of a couple of audience members to manipulate them to progress the scene. So... *goes into audience* Let's see... Aha! Nice, stoutly built earth pony here. What's your name?
Big Macintosh.
Mac for short?
Eeyup.
Just checkin'. Big Mac everyone!
*Audience applaudes* Alright, big bro!
*Head's down to the stage and stands next to Blunt*
And... Oooohhh! This'll be good. What's your name?
...Shining Armour.
Ah, f***. *Scampers over to Big Mac in fear*
Shining Armour, everyone! Give a round of applause for a our helpers!
*More applause* Hmhm... Alright big bro...
*Clenches onto Big Mac and whimpers as Shining arrives onstage*
*Drapes front hoof over Big Mac and pushes Solid away from the other side*
*Returns to desk* Alright! Now we can get onto the show! Now Big Mac is going to manipulate Blunt's movements by moving his body parts -legs, head, wings- individually, and Shining will do the same for Solid.
(Gulp)
Uh, does the "no magic" rule apply to audience members as well?
Ehhhmmm... Whichever you think would be funnier.
*Memories of Dead Bodies and Dubbing rush through* S***
For starters, get your respective actors into starting poses...
*Arched low over one knee, face staring intently outward, left hoof above eyeline, right hoof pointing out into distance*
*Turned to his right, left leg forward, right leg bent, body low to ground, torso angled far back with chin facing as far down as possible, right hoof pressed to forehead with elbow jutting out in front, left hoof out to side curving downward*
Okay! So now the scene is... Solid and Blunt are trapped on a deserted island and they are desperately trying to flag down ships to rescue them. Whenever you're all ready, take it away!
Blunt was staring far out into the ocean. He and Solid had woken up on the shore of some unknown island just recently. "Gah! I can't tell if that thing out there is a ship or not!" He lifts his hoof away from his head and angles it to the sky. "Curse you, Celestia! Why have you forsaken us?!"
"Quiet!" Solid responds. "I'm trying to think of a place to put down this firewood!" He was carrying a load of twigs and branches under his left hoof. He soon unwrapped his hoof and dropped the wood where he stood. "That'll have to do."
Blunt stands up straight, -"Oh, my back!"- and points an accusing hoof in Solid's direction. "What good is that going to do?!" He turns his head to face Solid. "Have you been in the forest this whole time!"
"Well, I found just more beach on the other side. So we're definitely stranded." He twists around, spreads his back legs over the branches, tilts his head down and flails his front legs out into the air. "But this magnificent firewood I collected should be enough for a smoke signal!"
Blunt scuttles around on his back hooves to face the sea once more. "Wait!" He shouts. He points one of his hooves out to a dot he sees out on the horizon. "I see a new boat coming!" He points out the other hoof. "Or is it over there?! My eyes are playing tricks on me!"
"Oof!" Solid grunts as he belly-flops the stick pile.
With wide strides in his steps, Blunt turns around to face Solid again with his front hooves still extended. "What are you doing now?!"
"I don't have any matches!" Solid answers back. "I'm trying to set the wood on fire with my body heat!" He then proceeds to wiggle about all over the wood. This form of agitation seemed to suggest something a little different...
"Have fun with that..." Blunt turns back to water with a look of confusion on his face. He straightens out is entire body and begins to hover above the ground. "I'm gonna try to get a better view of this ship!" He lifts and holds himself static several feet in the air, touching his hoof to his forehead to block the sun. Cheering could be heard from another dimension. "I think I can see it now! It's getting bigger! Yes!" He begins to fly around the beach in a circle stuck in his "super-mare" pose. "Da da-DAAHH! D-DAda-da-DAAAAHHH! We're saved!"
Solid had gotten back onto his hooves and was moving sporadically. He was tilting and turning his head, flailing his front hooves in the air, hitting himself in the face and stomach, and even gyrating his hips. "I'm so excited, my heart is racing!" He proclaimed. "I need to do some deep vein thrombosis exercises! Ow!"
Blunt lands back in his original spot with his entire upper-body pointing to the sky. "Thank you, Celestia! You haven't forsaken us!" he turns around to see his friend climbing onto a large boulder behind him.
Solid had his legs spread out to different points of the boulder for stability. "I'm going to make sure it doesn't miss us!" He begins moving his flank around in irregular patterns. He was swaying himself side-to-side, up and down, and in circles.
Blunt couldn't help but fall down limp to the sand and laugh out loud at his comrade's display.
Meanwhile, in the studio... Shining Armour had a sinister smile on his face as he had a firm physical grasp on Solid's haunches. He had him propped up on the four corners of Star's chair and was moving his flank around to make it look like a demented lap dance. Drew and the audience were in hysterics, the former bending over out of his chair and unable to hit the buzzer. Star was still trapped in his seat and on the receiving end of the funniest show of his life. He was curled up in the fetal position and was turning side to side trying to contain his own laughter.
Am I getting their attention yet?!
Oh my god... Stop please...
Oh god!! *Bzt! Bzt! BZZZZZZTTT!!* No more!
*Audience applauds and continues to laugh*
*Scrambles back to his seat with a look of naivety*
*Returns back to his seat while leaving Star with parting words* A little lamb can be just as dangerous...
I'm glad I wasn't a part of that...
Ahaha... AHAHA! *Wipes his eyes clean of tears and puts his glasses back on* I knew something was gonna happen, but not that!
What happened? I didn't see anything...
I deserved that. But man, that'll be something I'll remember for all the right AND wrong reasons.
Oh we'll all need time to recover. We'll be right back...
Welcome back! I know time flies when you have fun, so don't tell me what day it is. At the time we started, my mother's birthday was 3 weeks away. But now let's have a little revisit to one our favourite games -it's not a Hoedown, Blunt. Get back in your chair- Irish Drinking Song! This is for all four of you. Now what I need is an example of an uncommon addiction.
...Porn!!
*chuckles* Not exactly uncommon, but that will work! Let's hear the porn addiction Irish Drinking Song. Take it away, Wing Maid.
*Music starts*
Ohhhhh hi-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di I got myself a magazine And maybe eighteen more There's a reason I love 'em so much My life's no longer a bore I never go back outside I haven't been to work I can't even fall asleep I just love to jerk
Oh hi-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di This one with Luna's my favourite "...good for you" "Can I have one for myself?" "Hey, I would like one too!" I have plenty to go around I need to find a mare Perhaps the real thing might be better But I don't care!
Oh hi-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di I think I might have a problem No, I must be nuts I like keeping to myself Staring at wonderful butts No, I must fight it! It may now be an issue I think for once, I'll leave the house I ran out of tissue
Oh hi-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di I really need to find some help I cannot break the habit I've tried everything If all else fails, I'll stab it ...Or maybe not But I can't do it alone I knew I needed to rehab After I shot out a stone
Hello and welcome back! Let's move right into a game called "Narrate", this for Dull and--
*Materializes on Drew's desk*
Discord!!
I got to thinking... So I struck up a little deal and here I am.
What kind of a deal?
*Points up*
Oh... Not exactly a deal, but I see your issue.
Good. If I can't be used to my fullest extent, I can at least spice up a handful of games in different ways.
Well... We were about to start a game of Narrate. And I know exactly how to make you feel special. In this game, you and Dull will act out a scene in a film-noir setting. You will act it out relatively normally but occasionally interrupt it by stepping forward on the stage and giving an inner monologue on your situation.
Go on...
And the scene you two will be acting out will be... Discord's original defeat.
Excuse me?
Hold on. It will be recreated in our film-noir style, and it doesn't even need to be accurate.
Ahhh.
And to really make things interesting... The role of Discord will be played by Dull, and Discord, you will be Celestia. Luna is not present.
Oh-HO! I'm already getting some ideas!
Oh good! Now whenever you're ready. Take it away when you hear the music.
Dull was sitting comfortably atop his throne. He sipped away his chocolate milk of glass and tossed it behind him with a blank expression on his face.
Discord held a cigarette in his hand as he approached and stared down up to him. The intent to take him into custody boiled within his veins.
---
I've been chasing this handsome devil throughout the land. It took me 13 and a half years, but I finally caught him in a place called Ponyville. Why he chose such a small town with such a generic name is beyond me. But I couldn't help but think this place will become important later on.
---
Discord stepped toward the chaotic beast and confronted him. "Okay Discord! I'm not going to let my ponies suffer from your games any longer. You're coming with me whether you like it or not."
Dull smiled and chuckled. "Oh Celestia. You know I'm always willing to comply when you speak like that."
---
I've had a past with this magnificent broad. How ironic that she would eventually be my downfall. I wasn't gonna go so easily, mind you. I know when she tries to play games of her own.
---
Dull beckoned Discord over. "C'mere sweetheart. Why not give a proper final goodbye before you do your dirty deed?"
Discord was wide-eyed. He knew that Dull wouldn't go quietly, but he had hoped he wouldn't be this obnoxious.
---
He's going to be a tough egg to crack. He needs to know that those two years we spent together mean nothing now. Though I still look back on certain moments that make those two years the best of my life. You wouldn't believe what he could do when he was willing to cooperate. Nonetheless, I had a duty.
---
"Alright. I see how you want this to go down. In which case..." He sauntered over swaying his hips. "May the better god win."
It was Dull's turn to feel uncomfortable.
---
I knew very well she wasn't going to squeeze out a last fling. She was just trying to seduce me into lowering my guard. But I've grown wise to those tricks; I've had to deal with her sister on eight separate instances.
---
He quickly regained his composure and clapped his hooves together. He conjured up a whip and cracked it in Discord's direction. "Bad girl."
Discord avoided it and continued to stare him down.
---
Normally I wouldn't have hopped out of the way...
...
---
Dull chuckled in amusement of Discord's reluctance. "What's wrong, Celly? You normally wouldn't have hopped out of the way."
"We're going to play my game now!" Discord retorted. "And there's no worry about having rules to break because I never made any."
"Oh, such little faith in me?" Dull was offended by Discord's assumption. "I would do anything to have fun. Playing a game properly means abiding by them."
"You would have substituted them with your own." Discord finished his smoke and stomped it out. "What you would go lengths for is to keep your freedom."
"Waiting to be defeated only to elude my captors is one of my favourite games!" Dull proclaimed. "In fact, I've been keeping score." He displays a small scoreboard.
"Wow, I seem to have done pretty well."
"Whoops." Dull tosses the board over his shoulder. "Wrong game."
"I'm sick of this." Discord reared back. "I'm going to take you out before my past feelings get in the way!"
"Oh, now dear." Dull chided. "Surely you are going to miss my wonderful singing voice most of all." He stands on his hind legs and assumes an operatic pose. He begins to maintain a high note. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh..."
While Dull had himself distracted, Discord summoned the Elements of Harmony and charged them up. He fired a rainbow of powerful magic up into the air and had it rain back down upon his adversary.
Dull cancelled his performance and quickly slithered out of the way and behind Discord. "Haha," he mocked.
Discord turned around in shock.
---
I missed...
---
He continued to stare at Dull, who had a cheeky smile across his face.
---
I... MISSED...
---
Dull chuckled at his opponent's misfortune.
---
She missed.
But I figured--
---
"Gotcha!" Discord fired the Elements a second time while Dull had his back turned.
"Aaaaaahhh!!" Dull screamed as he became petrified. His statue soon toppled down to the ground.
Discord chuckled as he picked him up and carried him under his arm.
---
He, out of everyone who knows me, should have known very well that I like to play dirty from time to time.
---
He smiles.
BZZZZTTT!!
Nicely done! Now don't you feel fulfilled now?
Yes. That was fun. However, I'm feeling a nasty hindsight attack.
Well, 5000 points to you.
Why thank you.
Aaand MORE points only given to the guests!
They never mattered, so why should it matter if I neglect to give them to you guys?
It's the principle.
Well, whatever. We'll be right back with more Whose Line, don't miss us!
Bonus: Alternate ending
"Haha!" Dull chuckled. "You missed."
"Minor setback." Discord kept his composure. "I'll just have to go for a more direct approach..." He pointed a gun straight at him.
---
I'm usually the one to have my claw morph into some strange artifact that I am damn sure had not been invented yet. Nevertheless, I had a plan to counteract it.
---
Dull stared Discord straight in the eye as he held his hoof up and plugged the barrel.
Additional A/N: Which ending do you prefer? Also, I made this chapter all in one sitting as well. Don't count on it being a regular thing though.
Welcome back! Now that we have some more time alone, I'd like to do something special...
Uh, I don't wanna get up in any "special" business.
But it'll have to wait until after we do a game called "Let's Make A Date". This is for all four of you. Now Star is going to be appearing on a dating game show, but the contestants he has to choose from are not what you would normally find on these shows. They have been given very unique and strange characteristics supplied by these cards they have never seen before. The object of the game is for Star to ask them questions and guess who they are by the end of the game. So whenever you're ready, take it away.
*Sassy valley-mare voice* Alright! Bachelour #1! I like never knew what to tell my parents when I got pregnant with my third child, so... On a scale of 1 to 10, what's your favourite colour of the alphabet?
[Gilbert Trotfried receiving a prostate exam] *Squints eyes* Aw geez! First you tell me to turn my head and cough. And now this?! Well, fine. *Gets up, goes to the rear of the stool and leans over* I know this whole schtick: You give me something to distract me while you-- *Squawks parrot-like in shock* OH! There it is! *Makes unpleasant faces and trembles in his hind legs*
I can see you're busy. Bachelour #2! If some other guy were to approach me, how would you become friends with him?
[Seeks warmth in unconventional methods] Brrr... Well... I'd compliment his backpack in hopes of holding it against my own back. Is there a draft in here? *Gets up, lays on the floor and balances the stool on his back with his front legs* Ahhh... That's better.
*Giggles* Bachelour #3!
Yes?! *Eyes shot open widely*
I like to take long walks on the beach, so what's your favourite winter activity?
[Has visions of Drew Carey naked every time he closes his eyes] Visiting my therapist!! Ohhh... This stings. *Squinting and struggling* Mmmm! *Blinks* Gah!! *Blinks multiple times to keep eyes from drying up* Ahhhhh!!! *Props eyes open with feathers of his wings and pants heavily*
Okay then. Bachelour #1! I always like to make New Year's resolutions every Easter, so what are you thankful for?
The fact that we don't have fingers to twiddle around! *Yells and spasms behind his stool* How long is this going to take?!
Well, Bachelour #2. What's love got to do with it?
*Runs over to the neon lights on Drew's desk and presses up against them, sighing in relief*
It's okay, I can wait... *smiles*
*Runs up to an old mare in the front row, lays on the floor and places her purse on his back*
Aw well. Bachelour #3! What would you get us for May Day?
A ludovico device!! *Squints painfully* Ah, it burns! *Blinks and yells* Must keep open... *Cries* BZZZZZTTT!!!
Alright, might you have any idea what they may be?
Um, bachelour #1 is Gilbert Trotfried...
Yes, and?
He is being sodomized?
Close enough! It's a prostate exam.
Oh! And bachelour #2 is desperate to get warm.
Yeah, that'll do! He seeks warmth through unconventional methods.
And bachelour #3... REALLY doesn't like blinking.
He has visions whenever he closes his eyes. What do you think he might see?
You in the nude?
How'd you guess?
*Shrugs*
Well, that's all the time we have. We'll be right back!
I know. They didn't give me enough time to finish this "homework". *Rips off slip of paper at the end* Alright. I finally figured out who has which points: Solid has 21,075 points, Star 18,000, Dull 19,500, and Blunt has 16,714 and 18 23rds.
*Audience laughs and applauds*
I'm glad I'm a fan of arbitrary numbers.
Well, let's move onto a game called "Quick Change". This is for Solid, Dull, and Blunt. They're going to act out a scene as they normally would except whenever Star, holding this microphone decides to say "change" in the middle of the scene, the pony who was just talking has to change what they just said. The scene is... A student -Solid- is struggling to finish his test in school and decides to try and cheat off of his friend -Blunt-. They try to work together, but they are caught by the teacher, played by Dull. So whenever you're ready, take it away.
In Fillydelphia University, or as the students call it - The Big Old F-U, a class was being conducted. The teacher stood in front of the class and addressed them. "Alright, class! Welcome to Weather Control 101!" -Change!- "Welcome to Alchemy Essentials!" -Change!- "Welcome to... Magic For Dummies!" He takes a deep breath. "In this course, you will learn magic so simple, even hornless plebeians such as yourselves could perform them. I am Sir Neighton." -Change!- "I am Mister Leftrot." -Change!- "I am MisSUS Leftrot. Or at least I will be after the surgery."
Solid raises his hoof. "Isn't there a spell for that?"
Dull turns his head and snaps back. "Why do you think I'm only teaching BASIC magic?! This is stuff most fillies learn in kindergarten! Now get ready for a pop quiz. I wanna see what level you're already at. All two of you."
Blunt and Solid frantically take out their supplies. They sit quietly as Dull gives them papers at their desks. Blunt speaks up. "How long do we have?" -Change!- "Is this all multiple choice?" -Change!- "Why are you teaching this stuff at 7:30 in the morning anyway?!"
"Hey! I don't make the rules. Now get to writing." Dull returns to his desk and proceeds to listen to music with his back turned. "What's love got to do..."-Change!- Dull noisily hums along to his music.
Solid taps Blunt on the shoulder to get attention. "Hey. Do you know how horns grow?" -Change!- "What did you get for the first question?" -Change!- "Couldn't you have saved that for outside? You shouldn't have burritos for breakfast anyway."
"Oh calm down." Blunt turns to him slightly annoyed. "I had to get a quick meal somehow."
"A hoof-ful of cereal couldn't have sufficed?" -Change!- "You should have guzzled some milk straight from the jug. That's what I did."
"I can't. I'm not a bachelour like you."
Dull is still unaware of his students chatting away as he continues tuning out. "Do you believe in maaagic?"-Change!-"Oooh, you touch my tralala..."
Solid responds to Blunt's statement. "Oh, I didn't know you had a marefriend."
"Well, we just hooked up last week." Blunt reaches into his pocket. "Wanna see a picture of her?"
Dull turns around to see Blunt passing a sheet of paper or whatnot to Solid. "Hey! No passing notes! Give that to me right now!"
Blunt shows to the picture to Dull. "It's not a note, it's a picture of my marefriend!" -Change!- "It's a picture of my sister!" -Change!- "It's a picture of my dog!" -Change!- "It's a picture of your wife!" -Change! Dammit!- "It's a picture of some spoiled broccoli I found in the supermarket!" -Change!- "It's a picture... of a... sunset I watched in Canterlot." -Change!- Blunt over-enunciates his reply. "It's a picture of Queen Chrysalis in a negligee giving Shining Armour a lap dance!"
Dull walks over to Blunt's desk with intrigue in his eyes.
"Yoink." Solid snatches the photo out of Blunt's hoof and tucks it away for himself.
Free from his trance, Dull refocuses on punishing the two. "Alright, you two. If you're not going to take this class seriously, I'll have to fail you on this test." -Change!- "I'll have to keep you in for an extra ten minutes." -Change!- "I'm gonna call your parents!"
"No, please!" Solid begged. "My mother can't handle hearing about failures!" -Change!- "My mother doesn't even love me, do your worst." -Change!- "My mother is dead! I don't want her slapping me from beyond the grave!"
"My mother didn't even want me taking this course!" Blunt adds in his own defense. -Change!- "My mother didn't even want me to go to college! I'm only here because my grandfather wants me to rub my degree in her face!" -Change!- "You'll never take me alive!" He takes out a pistol and shoots himself in the mouth. He drops dead onto his desk. BZZZZZTTT!!!
*Audience cheers*
Nicely done! And just so I don't have to do more homework of my own, 2000 points to blunt for that satisfying ending. And I'll give a thousand to Solid if he relinquishes that photo.
Oh I wish it was real.
Please. Have you seen Luna naked? She's wild without her slippers.
And that's all the time we have. Come back for more!
Memorial Day Special Part 1: Show-stopping Number [2]
Welcome back to more Whose Line Is It Anyway! The show where everything is made up and the points don't matter. Look who we have back in the seats!
*Audience cheers wildly as BlackGryphon,Tweak,Firebrand, and Silvermane all bask in the adoration*
...Nobody important. So--
Excuse me! I'm sitting right here!
Alright, "Your Majesty". You want a little something? *Presses button under desk*
GAAAHH!! *Leaps off of seat and lands on stage from a sudden electric jolt* Okay, what did I do to deserve that?!
Some certain words that were exchanged between you and the "producer" beforehand.
*Grumbles and returns to seat*
...Who also happens to be Canadian. *Presses another button*
AAAIII!! *Gets shocked in the same way Tweak did* I thought we were here to be honoured.
Nothing personal, just fulfilling an obligation.
Ugh. Of course...
Well anyway, since the other two of you don't have gratuitous egos, I think it's fairly safe to say that you don't need a triumphant intro like last time. I didn't give my regular puppets the same luxury when they returned.
Wow. You can be a real jerk.
It's all dependent on how the producer writes pays me to behave. Now let's get this started with a game called "Show-stopping Number". This is for Gryphon, Firebrand, and Tweak.
Already getting us reacquainted with spontaneous singing? Wonderful...
Well think of it this way: It you're good, we cheer; if you screw up, we laugh. It's a win-win. Now the game is played out as a regular scene, nothing too special. EXCEPT... whenever I hit the buzzer, *Bzt, Bzt!*, the one who just spoke has to break out into song and use their last line as the basis for their tune, with the musical accompaniment of Wing Maid and Terra Part! Your scene is... Firebrand and Gryphon are two guards mingling amongst others in their ranks, waiting for their usual PT. They spend time chatting with each other, until the drill sergeant, Tweak, stomps up to the two of them.
Wow... Totally original.
...Fine. And you're all thestrals. In the LUNAR guard. Happy?
It's a start.
Ehh, let's all just take what we can get. Whenever you're ready, take it away!
The sun was close to setting upon the horizon. Solar guards all retired to their barracks within the castle to bide their last waking hour for the day. As they went on their idle chatting, Luna's forces were up to the same in a lower floor.
An entire platoon of dozens of bat-ponies were shooting the breeze as they usually did before their sergeant arrived to begin their routine training. The hall boomed with numerous voices all over-lapping one another.
One night guard in particular, Firebrand, was feeling uncharacteristically quiet and unwilling to socialize with his fellow guards that he once found so easy to befriend. Many things have been on his mind lately, and he felt he needed to get it all out with the only other guard and friend he could trust above the others, Black Gryphon.
After locating him among the crowd, he noticed he was already in a high-pace conversation with another guard who seemed to have had too much coffee. "...my dog... how... with the tube of... wheel of cheese..."
Firebrand's friend was speaking so quickly and surprisingly quietly, he couldn't even hear in properly. Nonetheless, he tried to garner his attention. "Gryphon..."
"...from last night I--"
"Gryphon?!"
"...tea kettle! Then she... sat on a turtle!!" Gryphon chuckled heartily.
"Gryphon!"
Gryphon turns around as his friend leaves. "Ah! How's it going, Brandy?"
Normally, he'd only let his sister call him "Brandy", but he disregarded it with a sigh and brought Gryphon away from the crowd. "Listen. I need your help with something."
"Sure thing, bud."
"I'm starting to have doubts about staying in the Lunar Guard. it's just not as exciting as it used to be."
"Ah, come now, my friend." Gryphon consoles. "Buck up." *Bzt!* (Music plays)
Come now, my friend Buuuck up! You gotta look on the bright side Or just SHUT the buck up!
We have it easy! It's very light duty! And after all, Luna Has the nicer booty!
Firebrand could only respond by burying his face in his hoof. He sighs, "I see you're here mostly for the eye candy?"
"Aside from the obligation of our entire species, yes." Gryphon unreluctantly answered. "Aren't you?"
"I wouldn't say so."
"Oh?" He raises an eyebrow. "Why's that?"
"Let me put it in a way we all can understand: I like Sunbutt." *Bzt!* (Music plays)
Oh Sunbutt! I love the sound of her voice! How I wish I could leave If I had the choice
Because her backside Is so divine I'll happ'ly kiss it 'til it's polished To a mirror shine!
Gryphon nearly collapsed to the floor from chuckling. "You know! I think Luna would actually let you transfer just so she can watch!"
"Eh. I will stay true to that if you happen to be right." Firebrand didn't mean to let his tongue slip to such vulgarity. But at least it managed to open a possible option.
"Ten hut!!" A booming voice bellowed throughout the room. Tweak, the drill sergeant had arrived. His eyes were narrowed and ready to prey upon any unfortunate subordinates who didn't immediately respond to his command to form one of the two lines. "Right now, dirtbags!" Tweak exclaimed once again. "Let's get down to business! We have no huns to defeat, but Imma itching to find any in our midst!" His head suddenly turned to Firebrand as he began to pass by him. "You're lookin' shifty, Private Brandy! What are you thinkin' about?!"
Firebrand stood firmly in attention and gave a uniform response. "Sir! If it is alright with you, I would like to request a transfer to the Solar Guard, Sir!"
Tweak promptly became wide-eyed. "Now why would you want to partake in such blasphemy?! Are you not happy here working for everyone's favourite princess?!"
Firebrand remained stoic despite the small amount of the sergeant's spit that landed on his mug. "Sir! I have not been working for my favourite princess, Sir!"
"Oh, screw Sunbutt!!" *Bzt!* (Music plays)
Screw Sunbutt! That's right, I'm talkin' to you! ...And that's an order! That's what I want you to do!
I-- gyuh...
Tweak voluntarily falls forward and lands on the side of his face. *BZZZTTT!!!*
*Audience cheered, laughed, and whistled for Tweak's performance as Drew and the others were laughing in their seats*
Ahaha! Is there something you're not telling us, Lieutenant?
Um, yeah. If the "producer" were a physical entity to us, I would not hesitate in giving him what's coming to him. Though I would like to add, It's all Black Gryphon's fault. Why'd you sing that anyway?
I blanked. That rhyme was my fail-safe. But hey, at least we had fun.
Well anyway, we have more Whose Line with the FOBEquestria crew coming up soon, don't go away!
Additional A/N: According to spell-check, I spelled "Lieutenant" correctly on my first try. Hell yeah.
Let's keep this special going with a game called "Greatest Hits". This is for all four of you. Tweak and Silvermane are going to give us a special preview on the latest compilation album, and Firebrand and Black Gryphon are going to sing snippets of the songs they mention. Once again, with the help of Wing Maid and Terra Part!
Oh no... Why couldn't I be sitting on a stool?
Oh well. Now I'm supposed ask the audience for the theme of the album, but considering the occasion, it's only fitting that this is the "Greatest Hits of the Military"! So give us the best military-themed songs, whenever you guys are ready.
Greetings everypony! We'll be right ba--
Hey you!! That's right, you! *Gets up and walks to within inches of a camera* You miserable sacks of moldy holiday dinner leftovers sitting on your La-Z-Colts! *Jabs lens hard enough to make it crack* You better listen up! *Quickly transitions to carry on with another camera* Don't you dare lick your hooves clean of that tartar sauce and click away! 'Cause we got big news to liven up your nasty civilian lives! *Backs up to return to his stool* Tell 'em, Pops! *Lightly elbows Silvermane in his abdomen*
Oof! ...That's right. We have gathered the best songs all about the military and compiled them all onto this unforgetable CD set. 61 songs on 4 and a half CDs.
What?
You know? One of those little ones. You don't see much of them. Anyway! You'll be surprised to hear that my favourite style of music is a fairly obscure one, and it comes from a beautiful tropical paradise. I am talking about ska...
Oh, you want a "ska"? Look at this. *Lifts left front leg* Bike accident when I was six.
Oooh. That area should not be growing that much fur.
Eep! *Gasps and lowers leg*
Now this song is one I tend to listen to when I'm recalling memories of Grenada. I relate to it so much since I have never spent so much time cowering in foxholes. Let's have a listen to that ska hit: "My Rifle's Jammed". --- *Percussion and medium-paced guitar music plays*
C'mon and SLAM! My rifle's-- *Angrily whispers in Gryphon's ear* Sorry...
*Song begins properly* Oh dear, mahn! - Me gun, she won't fire! Alls I hear is a clickin' - I think I just might die here! They got me pinned in a hole - But I cannot call it quits But mahn, fighting in the pits - sure is the pits
I don't know what is wrong - I cannot pull the triggah I have to fix it now - before me problem's biggah Me broken gun - it nearly breaks me heart I can't even remember - how to take it apart!
I got a jam in me rifle(me rifle) And it ain't what I spread on me toast I got a jam in me rifle(me rifle) I better fix it before I am toast! I got a jam in me rifle(me rifle) Ev-er-ypony now! I got a jam in me rifle(merifle) And me pistol's empty too!
*Music ends* Oh mahn, I'm screwed... --- Word of advice, kids: Never skip Peg Day. Now Silver... Seeing as how these are songs all about the military, naturally there has to be a few marching cadences.
Well of course! They are the first types of songs ponies think of when they think of us. I dread to think of how we would have to act to make them think of bubblegum pop.
Exactly. And for this album, how many cadences do we have?
It's either 3 or... 7.
...I see Grenada is taking its toll. *Knocks lightly on Silvermanes forehead*
I still remembered to slash your tires, didn't I? Now of course out of all the cadences we have on this CD set, we just had to go for the modern classic that's sweeping the nation, today's great marching cadence: ..."Marching Cadence"! --- *Fast-paced snare drum and flute tune plays*
Well I--Save it, Pretty Pink Princess! You're in my domain now! *Wipes off spit and salutes* Yes sir!
Oh love and magic, day and night - It's time for you princesses all to fight So forgo all your frilly things - and set aside your diamond rings The empire needs a warrior - and it sure as hell will not be her(Hey!) And Shining needs a lethal wife - to really spice up his sex life You're up, Private Pink!
[Falsetto] Oh, I don't know - what I can do It's hard enough - just list'nin' to you Do they not know - what my magic's for? The ponies all know - I make love not war
March! I make love not war Forward! I make love not war About face! I make love... Ten hut! Not war!
*Music ends* --- Hmhm... At what other time is it acceptable to yell in a woman's face?
...Let alone a princess. Haha! You know, Silver? You may not believe it, but I can be quite the classy guy.
*Snickers* Oh, this I gotta hear.
No, seriously! I'll be more than happy to join you for a spot of tea... bastard. And to show you how classy I can surely be, I'll give our viewers a preview of this song which happens to be an opera.
I'll ready your earplugs when you're ready to give up.
Yeah, you do that! While I show the viewers... one of my favourite songs on this compilation... that great opera hit: ..."In The Messhall"! --- *Heavy, medium paced piano and low, sustained cello plays*
[Baritone] After PTeeee - I need a bite Lunch is seeeerved - but something's not right They're almost oooout - of the good stuff If I'm left with sloooop - things will surely get rough
(In the messhaaaall)None of my platoon are friends (In the messhaaaall)The struggle never ends [Switch to tenor] (In the messhaaaall)If you want a scrumptious delight (In the messhaaaall)You will have to fight!
What are you looking at - you little scrub?! There is no way - you are getting my grub Go back to bootcamp - or else kiss the wall 'Cause things are never civil...
(In the messhaaaall)That chicken tortellini is mine (In the messhaaaall)I'm sure your gray stuff is fine [Back to baritone] (In the messhaaaall)Don't try to challenge me, bud (...The messhaaaall)Or you are asking for blood *Music ends* *Bzt Bzt Bzzzzttttt!!*
Alright! Nicely done! 5000 points to Gryphon and Firebrand for those performances!
*Audience cheers thunderously*
And don't go away! This special is still going full speed!
Welcome back! I trust all five of our guests had a nice coffee break.
It was terrible: The beans were grown locally, the cream wasn't french, there was no sugar, the stirring sticks--
Wait, wait! Five guests?!
Oh! Did I say that out loud? *Gets up and walks out to center-stage* Well, I suppose you deserve an explanation. Don't they, Drew?
*Rises from underneath desk and takes the seat* Yeah Drew, I agree.
[Cast, in unison] Huh?!
*Drew on center-stage transforms intoQueen Chrysalis with a green, fiery aura* Greetings, peons!
Queen Chrysalis, everyone!
*Gasps and fearful applause*
*Chuckles* Oh, your fear is delicious.
Why are you here? During OUR special?!
Laughter is one of the strongest emotions, under love. And given this show's reputation... I should have a feast to last for the next few months.
Then why not tell your soldiers to be clowns?
Because love and lust still have more sustenance and provide better fuel. We're better off posing as ponies full time and whoring ourselves. But for the sake of dignity, we choose not to do that. Plus, it's not as easy to obtain. So why not vary our sources?
How can we trust you?
You can't.
Actually, that's because of our "producer".
What? *Horn short-circuits*
What he says goes. Now let's move on with a game called "Forward Rewind". This is for Firebrand, Tweak, Silvermane, and of course, Chrysalis. How this game is played is it plays out like a typical scene. Except when I play these sound clips...
/Forward!/ - /Rewind!/
...You will have to act out the scene in reverse, switch back to regular progression, all depending on what gets played. You really need to rely on your short-term memory for this game.
Then--
Shut up.
Now the scene is... Tweak is a wounded soldier crawling through the desert with a busted leg. Firebrand comes in and transports him to a nearby medical tent, where Dr. Silvermane can perform an emergency operation. Then Chrysalis comes in as Tweak's worried marefriend...
*Audience oohs*
...Who somehow snuck her way onto military grounds to see him. So whenever you're ready, take your positions and begin.
The sun was unbearably hot as its rays beat down on a poor, weak, helpless, and deprived soldier. Tweak crawled through the desert at a slug's pace with only his front legs still able to move. One of his back legs had a large gash that would have bled him out had he not tied it off with a rag. With it numb and collecting sand in the open wounds and left weak and hungry, he was sure he would meet his fate out here in the middle of nowhere. "Help!... Someone!" He called out with his raspy voice.
He then began to hear a sound from behind him. "Wee-oo wee-oo we-oo wee-oo..." A siren blared as Firebrand came to his aid. "Wee-oo wee-oo wee-oo." Tweak's hero stopped off to his side and looked down on him with intrigue.
/Rewind!/
"Oo-wee oo-wee oo-wee..." Firebrand galloped in reverse back to the distance from whence he came. "Oo-wee oo-wee..."
/Forward!/
Firebrand reapproached the wounded Tweak and looked back down to him.
Tweak suddenly regained the strength to speak normally. "What the hell?! Some twerp with a light on his head and has to yell out his own siren is going to be my saviour?!"
"It's me or nothing, buddy."
"I'd like to die with dignity, thank you."
Firebrand disregarded his comment and lifted him onto his back. "Too bad." He resumed his siren and began to trot them both to a nearby medical tent.
In no time at all, they were entering through the front flap. "Wee-oo wee-oo wee-oo wee-oo xbox." Firebrand came to a halt and carelessly flips Tweak onto the examination table.
Tweak lands with violent thump that shakes many small pieces of equipment down to the floor. "What the?! How close was I to this tent?!"
Dr. Silvermane came over to them clad in the usual gear. "What seems to be the problem?"
"Well, I've just been carried through the desert on a horse with no name..." Tweak gestures to Firebrand.
/Rewind!/
"It felt good to be out of the rain..."
/Forward!/
"Are you blind?! My leg is mangled!" Tweak shouted with a short temper as he drew attention to the gaping sand-coated wound.
"Quick! He might be infected!" Firebrand voiced his concerns.
Silvermane turns away to scour for the right tool. "Let me see..."
All of the sudden, Queen Chrysalis burst through the entrance and landed beside Tweak with a horrified expression. "Oh no, sweetheart!" She let out heavy cries of worry. "What has happened to you!"
Everyone, especially Tweak, was startled by her appearance. "What?! How did you--"
Tweak was cut off by Chrysalis pulling him in for a long, forceful kiss. He gasped for air as they broke away.
/Rewind!/
Chrysalis pulled him in for another kiss and held it for just as long.
/Forward!/
They joined together for yet another session that seemed to--
/Rewind!/
--last forever. Silvermane checked his watch as the sound of moaning filled the tent.
/Forward!/
Tweak was beginning to feel irked by the lack of control, but managed to break away when he heard a soft double-click sound from behind him. "What was that?!"
"Oh, baby!" Chrysalis wrapped her front legs around Tweak and began to weep. "How could this happen to you?! I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you."
"Ma'am, I'm sorry." Firebrand butted in. "But you're not supposed to be here. We could be attacked at any moment."
"Can we just do something about my leg?!" Tweak was not getting any more patient being a patient.
Silvermane turned back to face them. "Not to worry. I got something that should work." He presented an old halberd and held its head up high. "Now hold still." He winds it back and begins to chop off the leg with a single strike.
Tweak panicked in vain to try to get him to stop. The least the doctor could have done was give him anesthesia. "NononononoNONONO!!!!" The metal blade struck down with tremendous force, sending a jolt of pain up his entire body. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!"
/Rewind!/
Tweak let out a second cry of pain identical with his last. He pleaded to doctor as he effortlessly pulled the halberd's head out of his leg. "Nonononononono!!!"
"Hold still." The doctor instructed as he stood the halberd up straight.
Firebrand warned Chrysalis. "Ma'am, you're not supposed to be here."
She ignored him and turned her attention to Tweak. "How could this happen to you?!" She pulled him back in for another kiss.
/Forward!/
They break away once again.
"Ma'am, you're not supposed to be here." Firebrand repeated.
"Hold still!" Silvermane wasted no time in bringing the halberd down on Tweak's leg, much to his dismay.
"Nononononono!!! Aaaaaaaahhhhh!!" Tweak screamed in agony as the blade dug into his bone.
/Rewind!/
"Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!" Tweak screamed as Silvermane removed the weapon. "Nononononono!!"
/Forward!/
"Nononononono!! Aaaaaaaaahhh!!!" The halberd struck him again in the same spot.
/Rewind!/
Silvermane ignored Tweak as he raised the halberd back up.
/Forward!/
More pleading and screaming, and yet another strike on the bone. The halberd couldn't get all the way through Tweak's leg. He was struck by jolt of immeasurable pain.
"Whelp... That didn't work."
"Screw you!" Tweak yelled at Silvermane. He suddenly felt weak and on the verge of death. He turned to Chrysalis and brought her in close. "Honey. Don't forget, I-- Blegh..." He drops his head and now he's dead, and then the doctor's face turned red.
Chrysalis cried out, "whyyyyyyyyy?!!!!!"
/Rewind! Back to the top!/
"Whyyyyyyy?!!!" Chrysalis cried.
Tweak sprung to life. "Screw you!"
"That didn't work." Silvermane pulls the halberd out of Tweak's leg.
"Nonononono!!!"
"Hold still."
"Ma'am, you're not supposed to be here."
Chrysalis pulled Tweak in for another embrace and let go after several seconds. "Sweetheart!" She hops out of the tent backwards.
Firebrand's expression turned into one of shock. "Quick, he might be infected!" He grabs Tweak and carries him out on his back, heading out flank first. "Oo-wee oo-wee oo-wee oo-wee..."
Firebrand's "siren" continued as he reverse-galloped to a spot far away and dumped Tweak on the ground.
"What the hell?!" Tweak expressed his disdain.
Firebrand left him to rot as he trotted away. "Oo-wee oo-wee oo-wee..."
Tweak's voice went raspy as he began crawling. "Someone... help..." BZZZZZZZZZTTTT!!
Okay! Nice! A thousand points to each of you for making a completely different story by leaving out several lines.
Just a thousand?
Okay, 3000 for you... Your Majesty. Oh, and and to Tweak as pity.
What for? She's actually a remarkable kisser once you get past the fangs.
Not surprised you think that way. I've had plenty of practice, as you could imagine.
Wait, you enjoyed it?! Well, you don't need any points in that case.
Should've kept my mouth shut...
*Looking at his cellphone and chuckling* You're tellin' me...
What are you looking at?
Nothin'... *Lightly tosses cellphone to Gryphon*
*Gasps and begins muffling his laughter*
What is that?! *Snatches cellphone and inspects* [A picture of Queen Chrysalis and Tweak happily making out taken during the scene] *Gasps*
Oh, you're dead, man.
I don't think so.
*Growls at Firebrand as horn short-circuits again*
Thank you, producer ex machina.
*Growls again and teleports away*
What is it?! *Picks up cellphone and yells in shock*
Hey, if it's any consolation, if you ever contract a sickness or poison from making out with her, I will not hesitate in carrying you out to the middle of the desert and leaving you to die to save everyone else like I just did a minute ago. *Smiles*
You... are... so lucky you're my boss. *Hoofs over phone*
We'll be right back with more! Don't go away!
Memorial Day Special Part 4: Hollywood Director [2]
Welcome back, once again! We're all alone and safe.
That's subjective...
Well, let's move onto a game called "Hollywood Director". This is for all four of you. What's going to happen is Firebrand, Silvermane, and Black Gryphon are going to act out a short scene, and Tweak is going to interrupt near the end, and tell them to start the scene over with a new quirk or feature to the scene; how they can spice it up.
So I'm their boss?
Essentially, yes.
Ohoho!! *Rubs hooves together violently and smiles widely while staring at the other three*
Anyone surprised?
Nope.
Now when you stop their scene, just give them a new suggestion based on these cards--
*Takes cards and rips them in half without changing expression* Don't ruin the moment.
Ah-- E--... You just ripped the cards!! You can't rip the cards! The show needs the cards!!
Ah-ah. *Points up* The producer's letting me...
Gah! Fine. Just let our audience's suggestions go to waste.
Yeah, those cardboard cutouts are crying a river.
*Silence. One cutout falls flat to the left of Applejack and scares her*
*Sigh* We still have the scene. Speaking of which... Gryphon is a teen colt trying to find his way home in the city in the middle of the night when a thug, Silvermane, tussles with him. Firebrand then comes in as the good samaritan to fight him off. So whenever you're ready, take it away.
In the dead of night, a lonely young colt named Black Gryphon wanders the city streets, desperately trying to find his way back home. "Oh, it's so creepy. Luna help me."
Suddenly, he's jumped from behind by a thug and gets held by his throat. "Alright, you little skunk!" The thug warned. "Give me everything you got on you, or it's lights out!"
Choking, Gryphon pleads back. "But... I don't have anything valuable! I swear!"
"Let him go!" A mysterious heroic voice shouts from off to the side. Firebrand hops forward and demands the kid's freedom. "You'll be sorry if you harm someone so young and frail!"
"I'm 18."
"Shut up, I'm trying to save you!" Firebrand takes a combat stance.
"Oh?" The thug, Silvermane turns with Gryphon still in his grasp to face Firebrand. "You really think that's a good idea?" He pulls out a switch-blade and holds it to Gryphon's throat.
"Umm..." Firebrand had to think quickly. He points to the sky behind Silvermane. "Look, a distraction!"
"Huh?" Silvermane loosens his grip and looks back to where Firebrand pointed.
Firebrand leaps forward to relinquish the blade into his possession and push Gryphon away to a safe distance. He then holds the blade inches away from Silvermane. "Hah! Now you're in for it."
"No! Please!" Silvermane gets down to his knees and begs. "I have a wife and 9 kids!" --- Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut!
Oh, that was horrible! That was crap!! That was so... so... bungtralescent... that I needed to make up a new word on the spot to describe how much crap it truly was!
You know what? This movie is almost a lost cause anyway. Let's just pander to the lowest common denominator: Do it like an amateur lesbian porn.
Done! *Flings front hooves in the air and walks away*
Hey hey! Don't forget who's paying for your sister to go to college!
*Groans angrily and returns*
*Smiles like a sweet old mare* Splendid... Action!! ---
Late at night, Black Gryphon wanders the city streets to find his way home. He meekly peers over his shoulder as if he was expecting something to surprise him. "Oh my..." He almost moans out. "I hope I can get home safely..."
Silvermane slithers up from behind him and runs up the side of his body, sniffing the whole way. He clasps his front legs around Gryphon's shoulders and takes a big waft of his mane. "I can help you home." He hisses out. "At a price..." He tightens his grip around his neck.
Gryphon lets out an exasperated gasp. "Oh, please don't hurt me." He reaches up to the thug's hoof and massages it.
"Hold it!" Firebrand jumps in to assist on his hind legs while balancing a couple of "weights" in front of his torso. "I can't let you hurt that poor, defenseless little pony." He forcefully points one of his front hoofs toward Silvermane. "Jiggle-jiggle."
"Don't worry." Gryphon breathes out. "I'm 18." He nestles his head up against Silvermane's.
"You'll have to catch me first!" Silvermane shouts back. He tries to make his escape but he almost immediately trips on a strange object and falls to the floor. He rolls over to his back to tie the incriminating bodily extremity in a knot around his leg and gets up to resume his escape. --- Cut. Cut... Please, cut! *Approaches with face buried in hoof* You were supposed to be a mare.
Oh, crap.
I was talking to Skippy. *Gestures to Gryphon*
*Gasps* I'll have you know I'm a member of the L.G.B.T.S.H.O.V.E.I.T.L.L.C.! And they are going to hear about this! *Crosses front legs and turns head in a sassy manner*
Yeah, whatever. And you! *Cups and juggles chest weights* What was all this about?!
You said it was porn!
At what point did I say it was anthro?!
Hey, from my experience, those terms are interchangeable 90% of the time.
Forget it. What was I thinking anyway? Your acting is too good for porn. Let's pander to a different audience! We'll try appealing to the kids!
[Black Gryphon] You are a host of an audience-participation foal's show. [Silvermane] You're a surfer dude. [Firebrand] And you... you... *ponders and shoots eyes open* are a power ranger!
Action! ---
Late at night, Black Gryphon is merrily trotting down the city streets on his way home. He stops at an intersection. "Well, shoot." He turns his attention to no one in particular. "I can't seem to find my way home. One of these streets will lead me the right way. Do you remember which one?"
Silvermane approaches him from behind with half-lidded eyes. "Dude, like... Who are you talking to?"
"Who are you?"
"Oh, I'm like, a thug. I'm here to rob you." The gears struggle to turn in Silvermane's head. "Oh, right!" He fumbles with his pockets and pulls out a switch-blade. "Gimme all your money, bro."
Gryphon gasps and hops back away. He turns his head and speaks to his invisible friends. "It seems I'm in some big trouble." He pulls out his cellphone and shows the keypad. "It's always important to remember what numbers you need to dial if you are in an emergency situation." He tilts and nods his head.
"T'YAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!" Firebrand makes a triumphant, slow-motion leap onto the scene; clad in a tight, full-body outfit and a helmet that obstructed his face. "Stop right there!" He begins flailing his front legs around into random poses as he tries to ward off the attacker. "I'm here to protect the lives of the innocent and bring ne'er-do-wells like you to justice! And wake up the entire neighbourhood as I do it!"
"Wow, like, totally bogus, man." Silvermane expressed with a complete lack of interest.
"Your reign of terror ends here! Kyaaahh!!" A small explosion goes off behind Firebrand, startling him.
"Woah!" Silvermane was mesmerized by the display. "Like, how'd you do that, dude?"
"I like your costume, by the way." Gryphon comments before turning away. "Do you know what colour he's wearing?" --- Cut! Cut cut cut!
I've changed my mind. The last thing I need on my mind is you in spandex.
You said something completely different last month...
Ignoring... Though nice touch with the Tommy Oliver impression.
Now, I had time to think. And you know what? It made me realize... *Brings hoof up to mouth and blows hard, sputtering fart noise; tries again, another sputter*
*Walks over to Drew's desk, puts his thumb and index finger in the corners of his mouth and whistles sharply*
*Cutie Mark Crusaders show up on stage giving a salute*
...Actual children can act better.
You can't be serious.
Well, can't you take the hint? You're fired!
But my sister's coll--
*Walks up to within inches of Firebrand's face* FI-RE-D...
*Firebrand, Gryphon, and Silvermane all walk away*
Alright, girls--
CUTIE MARK CRUSA--!
Hush!! Places! And action! ---
In the middle of the night, a visibly frightened Sweetie Belle cautiously trots down the middle of an empty road. She never once stopped dashing her head around to keep an eye out for anything that could hurt her. She soon sees Scootaloo in an alley.
Scootaloo whispers to her loudly, "no no, I'm the hero."
Applebloom abruptly walks over and starts arguing. "What?! Why do Ah have to be the thug?"
"Come on, we all know I'm the bravest."
"Why do you need to be the center of attention all the time?!"
"Uh, girls?" Sweetie tries to get their attention to no avail.
"What makes you think Ah have to be the thug?!"
"It's just process of elimination!"
"Wait." Sweetie gets up to Scootaloo and joins in. "What is that supposed to mean?!" --- Cut. Cut... *Walks over and picks the three up and drops them off the front of the stage* Do that somewhere else.
*Whispers to himself* "Never work with children"... I was wrong, I knew I was wrong, but I did it anyway!
*Stands center-stage and stares into the camera* Well... *Looks side to side* If you want something done right...
*Sigh* Action... ---
Tweak quickly strolls down the city streets at night all too eagerly. He hums to himself and inadvertently adds a spring into his step.
He suddenly pulls himself backward and starts shouting at the empty space he left in front of him. "Give me all your money!"
He jumps back forward and looks back to his previous spot. "Ah! Who are you?!" He then stands on his hind legs and wraps his front hooves around his throat.
After choking himself for a second or two, he shifts his head back. "You wanna do this the hard way?!"
He promptly moves his neck back to right behind his hooves and resumes his choking noises. "Okay! Okay! I'll do anything you want!"
He sashays to the right with his front hooves at his sides and proclaims in a noticeably deeper tone of voice, "hey, you can't do that!"
His hooves return to his neck as he slides back over to his last stance. "Oh, yeah! Who's gonna stop me?!"
"I will!" "You and what army!" "I am the army!"
He lunges forward and rolls around on his side. He grabs the back of his own head and slams it into the floor. He then swings his other hoof around and mimics the sound of a punch. He returns to his feet and "fights back".
He does this, he does that; he goes here, he goes there. He he he he...
Fists are flying sporadically in every which direction in empty air before he begins to land those same blows on various areas of his own body. Grunting from each impact, Tweak eggs on "his opponent". "Aw, come on, is that the best you got?!"
One of his hooves gets flung forward before violently flying right back into his face, knocking him down to the ground. "Oh, you hit like my niece!"
He then begins spinning around on the floor like a stooge. The knife is taken out as he sits upright on his haunches with a gap between his groin and the floor. He brings the blade down in a swift motion and lets out a sigh. "He's dead, Jim." *Bzt! Bzzzzzzttttt!!!*
*Drew was laughing almost as hard as Firebrand as he struggled to hit the buzzer* Oho! What showmanship! Oh... 2000 points for that performance...
*Audience cheers*
I would pay to see Firebrand be a power ranger again.
Hey! ... yeah, so would I.
I'd like to hear what your dentist has to say to you.
I'd rather hear it from you. *Smiles deviously with bleeding gums on display*
Welcome to the finale of our Memorial Day special! Our winner today: Tweak! Tweak is our winner!
Who else could it have been if you knew better? *Smiles and places ice-pack up to face*
Yeah, I'm stumped why we're not having you do anything and just calling the last few shots from the desk. But the rest of us here are going to play a game called "World's Worst". Whereupon we stand on the "World's Worst" step, and come up with as many examples of the world's worst what, Tweak?
*Opens card* You are displaying examples of the world's worst, tread carefully now, "drill sergeant".
*Devious chuckles from performers*
Okay, so the world's worst drill sergeant, let's begin.
This squadron doesn't need discipline! It needs a makeover! *Bzt!*
Come on now! Over the wall! Good boy! Good boy! *Pats imaginary heads* *Bzt!*
... He said "sergeant". I got nothing.
*Sighs and turns to audience, claps twice* Pen!
*Audience member throws pen to Tweak, who catches it perfectly with one hoof*
*Writes on card* "slash... in-struc-tor..." Happy?
*Grins*
Fantastic performance! How's-about you hit the messhall early? *Bzt!*
*Angles head down and yells at crotch* You better stand up straight before I give you a dishonourable discharge!
*Audience laughs and groans*
What?! He yelled at his privates like he was supposed to!
*Walks over to Drew and yells at his crotch* You are a disgusting fat-body!
*Laughs hard enough to accidentally hit buzzer multiple times* Oh, references...
Alright... Which one of you sap-suckers yanked all the hair off my Bratz doll?! *Bzt!*
*Wobbles up and speaks in a very raspy voice* Okay, Squad! Now we're-- *Snores* *Bzt!*
Look at all you sorry flanks! We need to work off those extra pounds! *Does jumping jacks* Now 1, and 2! And 1, and-- *Bzt!*
Tell me, private! What's love got to do with it?! *Bzt!*
...And to teach you how to shoot your new rifles, I leave you in the capable hooves of my daughter! *Bends down* Who's gonna be a good instructor? You are! Cootchie cootchie coo! *Bzt!*
A good way to check for jams is to look straight up the barrel. *Demonstrates* *Bzt!* A good tap is never out of order either. *Bzt Bzt!!*
One of you took my hat. And until I find out who, I'll have to settle with this trilby. *Bzt!*
Good job out there, Private! *Grabs and pulls down to smooch loudly* *Bzt!*
Oh, you boys don't need to call me Sergeant Simmons, it's so formal! Just call me Richard! *Bzt!*
*Angrily acts like a mime* *Bzt!*
*Slips on hoof-puppet and thrusts it forwards* Drop and give me twenty!
Right shoulder! *Bends down to grab onto "weapon" and flings it over right shoulder*
*Bzt! Bzt! Bzzzzzzttttt!!!
Alright! *Chuckles* Nice job, everyone!
What a note to end on...
Now before we close off this special--
We will play one more game.
What? No, I don't have any more plans for this special.
Well, I do! So long as I sit in this chair, I hold all the power in the studio.Ah--And with this power, I say... it is time... for a Hoedown!!
*Audience cheers wildly*
Tweak, you're fired.
We really don't have time for--
Hoedown! Hoedown!
*Audience joins in on chanting*
Shut up, cutouts!
Alright, alright!
We all know what this hoedown is about. So... *Props back hooves up on desk* Take it away, Wing Maid!
*Music begins*
Well I'd like to be soldier - but I am not a horse To them, I'm not up to snuff - and I can't run their course But there is one certain field - where I think I'd do fine You're a lot more accurate with a rifle - when you have hands like mine
Well, our commander - he is a marine And he is rather special - I'll tell you what I mean Sure you can ask anyone - but I will instead Muscles Are Required... - Intelligence Not Expected
*Audience woos* *Laughs hysterically and extends hoof* Nice!! *Gives "high-hoof" and returns to spot*
... They said I'm too sophisticated - to join the army And I thought it'd be lonely - to be out at sea Those two think it's funny - that I'm a marine But I'd like to see how funny they are - when they scrub the FOB's latrines
*Audience woos even harder*
And with their tongues, too.
*Sigh* Well I love my job - it ain't all that bad With the jarring age difference - I feel like their dad Sure, being at the FOB - can be quite a hoot But sometimes I feel like ejecting myself - without a parachute
Without a par-a-chuuuuuuuuuute
*Claps* Very nice!
Okay, now get out of my chair.
*Visiting cast returns to their seats*
Now to close off this special properly, I feel it's only right to give the soldiers of then our respect. Everyone bow your heads for a brief moment of silence.
...
(20 seconds later)
Bless them now and forever. And now... to give these guys their sendoff. everyone stand and salute!
Thank you for coming in once again to offer your talents and unique charm. We look forward to seeing you again when the time comes.
I would like this to be a regular thing.
I really want to play Scenes From A Hat, so I agree.
Well, we'll just have to wait and see. That is all we have for our special, thank you and good night!
Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" What took us so long? Glad you asked.Cue music!
*Music plays*
In the dark of the night, I hear a howl - Star Tooth
The sun is setting, I need a light - Dull Edge
Early afternoon, I need a nap - Blunt Force
At the crack of dawn, I'm blind - Bright Smiles
And cut! That's right. We got a new cast member to exploit.
What happened to Solid?
Not too sure. But two month's hiatus is enough explanation... No need to search my car.
How convenient that you just so happened to get another earth pony as a replacement.
Gotta keep the diversity.
So when will we have a zebra or griffon on the show?
Let's not get carried away. Let's instead move onto a game called "Title Sequence". This is for all four of you. What's going to happen is Star and Bright are going to sing an upbeat theme song to the new hit sitcom that will be acted out by Dull and Blunt. This sitcom has to do with unlikely roommates, so... Can I hear a suggestion of a two unlikely roommates?
*incoherent shouts* Sombra and Octavia!
Okay! I heard Sombra and Octavia.
Does the new guy really have to start with impromptu singing?
You'll get used to it. Now, let's hear the theme song to the new hit show, "Sombra and Octavia"!
*Music plays*
Coming this summer: Sombra and Octavia!
Well, Octavia was searchin' for a room for rent When she came to a dark and gloomy apartment And the place didn't belong to a common folk 'Cause she was greeted by a big black plume of smoke!
But ol' Sombra, He ain't so cruel That is if you beat 'im at a violin duel Oh how lucky could she be? She a got a golden fiddle and a room for free!
Oh Octavia, her life's all set She's out playing concerts and getting paid And the dark one is nice and happy Just stayin' at home bein' the cook and maid
It's Sombraaaa...and Octavia It's Sombra - They make wonderful music together! It's Sombraaaa...and Octavia Oh it's Sombraaaa... and Octaviaaaaaaaa
*BZZZZZTTTT!*
Very nice!
*Audience cheers*
See?! Singing on the spot isn't that hard.
Just watch me botch a duet.
Well, that's all the time we have for now. We'll be right back!
Welcome back to more Whose Line. let's move onto a game called "Superheroes", this is for all four performers. Dull is going to start out, now let me have an unlikely superhero name for Dull...
... The Biscuits and gravy Colt!
The Biscuits and Gravy Colt! Thank you. Aaand... how about an odd crisis for him to deal with?
Umm! *Chuckles* I'll let you deal with that on your own! Uh, something a bit more family friendly?
No more green candy bits!
No more green candy bits. Thanks again. Now Dull is going to start off the scene, then the other three are going to enter and they're going to give each other strange superhero names and try to make them mess up. Now, if Biscuits and Gravy Colt is ready to solve the green candy bit shortage, take it away!
Dull was standing in his shower when he picked up his gravy boat and slowly poured his special recipe all over his body. He then proceeded to lather it up and get all over his legs. He then grabbed a biscuit and rubbed it underneath his pits like a bar of soap and take a bite out of it.
Suddenly, his crisis monitor starts sounding its alarm; to which Dull takes immediate notice. "Mrr grhd!" He gulps. "My god! The crisis monitor is going off!" He goes over to inspect the screen. "Oh no! We're all out of green candy bits! They're just being replaced with more brown and pink ones! Why not yellow?" He shrugs. "Well, anyway. I hope my super friends show up to help soon."
Blunt then shows up in his apartment out of nowhere. "Sorry I'm late, I-- Oh my..." He stares at the gravy dripping off of Dull's body as if in a trance.
"Oh, thank god you're here, Captain Survey Taker!"
Blunt snapped himself back to the task at hoof and whipped out a clipboard and pen. "How would you rate this crisis on a scale of 1 to 10?"
"Ummm... 2? I see plenty of jimmies being rustled, but it's really nothing to get worried about." Dull reached behind him and offered a plate of biscuits. "Want one?"
Blunt takes a biscuit as Bright crashes in through a window. "Sorry I'm late, I had a painful nipple erection."
Blunt gulps down his snack. "Hey, it's the Itchy Mare!"
Bright soon began to convulse uncomfortably and scratch every corner of his body. "G-- Gyah! Don't do that! I'm allergic to terrible puns!" He then collapsed to the floor and squirmed around to try to sooth the itching sensation by rubbing himself on the carpet. "Ah! Ah! Ah!"
While Dull began drinking more gravy straight from the boat, Blunt followed behind Bright with his clipboard. "How does this make you feel? Concerned, irritated, or angry?"
Bright continued sliding along the carpet to get away from Blunt. He soon propped himself up to his waist and dragged his thighs across the floor. "A-a-a-a-aaaahhh!"
Suddenly, Star then flies in through the broken window and joins in. "What's going on here?" Once he notices Bright trying to create a new dance, he grabs Dull's gravy boat and pours it all over him.
Bright immediately felt a soothing sensation throughout his body as the gravy was poured on him. He arched up his torso and directed the stream to land on his groin. He sighed in relief as he grabbed himself in the aforementioned area and rested on the floor. "You came just in time... Michael Jackson!"
Star stared down and Bright for a moment before rearing back to stand on his hind legs and grab his crotch. "Mph! Hooooooooo!" He performed a quick jig as he poured the rest of the gravy on his head. "That's right!"He tapped his hoof to a beat."I came just in time - I came just in time. No green candy bits - sure is a crime. We gotta save 'em - before it's too late. What can we do? - Yes, it's our fate. Hooooooo!" He spins around and then grabs Blunt's clipboard and fans himself.
Blunt reclaims his clipboard. "I've thought up some plans, but I need a unanimous vote."
"I know!" Star interjected. "I'll put on a benefit concert and have all the proceeds go toward green food dye for the candy bit factory." He turned his back and began to moontrot out of Dull's apartment. "Hoooo!"
"Can I help?!" Bright followed after him. "I'm itching to be your opening act!"
"Well, I got to go. I have results to report." Blunt also left.
Dull took a celebratory swig out of another gravy boat. "Ah, another job well done. I should probably check with my doctor on my cholesterol." *Bzzzzzzt!!*
Alright, thank you, that was great! 500 points to each of you. Though I must ask, what was with Michael Jackson?
He's everyone's hero.
*Audience cheers*
Eh, can't argue there. But anyway, stick around, we got more Whose Line coming your way!
Welcome back! The two most used words in my vocabulary. I can chalk that up to the god-forsaken format of this fic. Let's jump right into Duet. This is for Bright and Star. Now I will just go up into the audience and find someone who do us some good...
Ah! What is you name?
The Great And Powerful Trrrixie!
Trixie, that's nice. And what do you do for a living?
*Looks on with deadpan expression as if her announcement was not enough* I am a magician.
*Turns and sputters out stifled laughs* Alright then! *Snickers* Have a seat on stage between our two performers.
Now... You two-- *Stifles more laughter and regains his professional composure* You two are going to sing a song for Trixie all about... magic, I suppose. You will be singing in the style of--
Welcome back, once again. This next game is called "Party Quirks". Bright, you are going to be hosting a party, and everyone else will be attending with a strange charateristic or quirk provided to them by those envelopes -they have never seen them before-.
*Dull and Blunt look at their suggestions with mild interest and Star is dropping his jaw*
I'm going to bring them in one at a time, and it is your job to guess who they are.
*Walks over to Drew's desk, slaps his card down in front of him and mouths with the appropriate front leg movements "what the f*** - is this s***?"*
Take it up with the producer, bud.
Oh my god... *continues to study quirk in utter disbelief*
So, whenever you're ready. Take it away.
Bright had just finished setting out the snacks for his party and was eagerly awaiting his guests to arrive. "Perfect! Everything's done. oh, just in time, my guests should be here any minute..." The doorbell rings and he goes to answer. "Hey, Dull! Glad you could make it."
Dull stood clumsily on his back hooves and with his front legs tucked to his chest. he lets out a meek roar and stumbles through though the doorway, barely maintaining his balance. He holds his hooves out in front of him and shakes his right one frantically to pretend to play a small jig in the middle of the living room.
"Nice to see you, too." Bright completes his greeting before hearing the doorbell again and answering. "Star!"
[Flirtatious neat freak still attending high school who questions his own gender]
"Hey there, handsome. Your glasses are crooked." Star adjusts them. "Think you could help me with my algebra? I've got other things to worry about." He hangs his head down in the direction of his groin.
"Well!" Bright anxiously brings him inside. "I'll let you tend to that. Why don't you have some punch?"
Dull lets out a high-pitched screech and begins dancing like a hillbilly.
The doorbell rings again and Bright goes back to greet the next guest. "Hey! You're the guy who flipped me off in traffic this morning."
[John Wayne who cannot move at all unless he is speaking]
Blunt stand at the entrance completely motionless for a moment before making his way inside. "I have no-thin bet-ter to DO this evening." He freezes in place once more in the living room for a second. "Mmmy cable is out." He pauses yet again as he started to pour himself some punch.
Dull dances over to Blunt and begins to hum a tune in his screeching voice. "Brigiding ding ding brigiding ding ding ding..."
Blunt takes offence. "Aaaay, whaddaya t'ink yoor doin'?" He puts his cup down to turn and face him. "I oughtta knock t'at smirk offa yoor face!" He halts right as he grabs Dull by the neck and winds up a punch.
Bright comes in to interfere by grabbing Dull out of Blunt's grasp and standing in his place. "Whoa, whoa! Hold on, guys."
"ShyUUUdup!" Blunt finishes his punch by landing it on Bright's face and holding it suspended in midair after impact.
"I'll deal with you later."
Star is too preoccupied with Bright's decor. "Oh this painting doesn't match the wall. I'd be happy to help you get a new one if you help my with my biology homework." He walks over to Dull and wraps himself in his dangling hooves. "Oooh! And who's your friend?" He stares lovingly into his eyes as he rubs his own crotch.
Dull rears back to roar and bash Star over the head in a clumsy manner. He begins singing another tune as star falls to the ground.
Bright goes to help Star back up. "Okay, look. I think it's best you don't try to make friends with a redneck velociraptor."
Oh, oh! What instrument is he playing?!
"Oh, a banjo!"
Yes! *Buzzes Dull out*
"Ay what kinda wise guy t'rows a party wit'out chips 'n'--" Blunt makes a confrontational stumble over to Bright and freezes. "...dip?!" He takes one more step.
Star interferes by throwing himself over the statue-like Blunt. "Oh my. If you could learn to coif your mane, I just might ask you to the prom. In fact..." He starts combing.
Blunt walks straight out from under him. "Hey, I don' need t' take t'is, I'm outta here." He starts to shamble his way out but stops just short of the front door.
Bright yells back. "Well, fine! Then leave! I never invited any John Wayne anyway!"
Uh, close. But what else?
Blunt turns around and walks back. "Wait, I fergot my car keys." He stops in the middle of the room before scanning with a pointed hoof. "Now, where did I leave 'um?"
"You're gonna have trouble getting home if you can only move while talking."
There we go! *Buzzes Blunt out*
Star leans up against Bright and bats his eyes. "Sooo... Wanna go test out some 'stuff' I got from my buddy? Or do you wanna help me figure out if I should 'give or receive'?" He starts to massage Bright's chest, to which he takes offense.
"Okay, you need to stop hitting on everyone."
And...
"And I'd appreciate it if you didn't fix every little thing you saw."
Aaand...
Bright was beginning to wince. "Aaand... You shouldn't even be here; it's a school night!"
AAAAAAND!... *Leans over desk*
"WHAT?!" Bright voices his shock. "Okay!..." He hold an accusative hoof at Star as he just stands looking back with a quizzical expression.
"It doesn't make it any easier for either of us since I have a unisex name." Star states.
Bright struggles to speak. All he could do was vibrate his hoof and stomp in frustration. "G-... gyah!" He starts biting his lip and growling.
Star backs away in fear.
"MMMMMMMMMM... I give up!!"
He questions his own gender.
"Gah!!" Bright flings his front hooves into the air and topples over onto his back while Star returns to his seat.
Alright, alright. Come on, man. it's alright. I wouldn't have guessed it either.
Yeah, just give me a moment.
Well, that's all the time we have for now. but don't go away!"
Welcome back! Hopefully Bright is clear-headed now.
I'm fine, Clive.
Well then, let's continue with "Motown Group". This is for Star, Dull, and Blunt. With help from Wing Maid and Terra Part!
*Applause*
I said I'm okay.
It's what's on the card. Now what I need is an everyday pony profession...
Baker!Weather pony!Construction worker!
Weather pony! Thank you. Now these guys are going to sing a song in the style of a motown group; they'll step forward and sing one verse at a time while the other two do back-up. Now, whenever you're ready, take it away.
*Music starts* Alright! Now we're gonna show you... How we do the weather 'round here, you hear?
Well it's 9 in the morning it's a bright sunny day But I gotta take these clouds and make the rays go away My squad is gonna kick and fly and tow And make it overcast oh no no no I'm sorry bud. That's what the schedule says. Take it up with my boss I'm just doing my job. Yeah.I'm just doing my job. That's the weather for ya
Well I got no wings but I still got a task To move my clouds or do whatever I'm asked So I look up to the sky and take a stance And I move my clouds with a magic river dance *Dances appropriately*Woah, Careful, Laddie! You're making lightning!
Well I'm too old for this crap it makes my old bones sore I can't remember the last time I even tried to soar I retired early and left it to the youth But I'm still a weather pony I report it on the news It counts... They have the same title. He's got me there
But being a weather pony has its drawbacks You always have that one jerk who just won't cut you slack Well he's real unlucky that I hate my boss Imma take a storm cloud and zap his ass off! Yeah! I don't care if I get fired! Zap his ass off.I've always wanted to bake! I wanna bake.I wanna make cupcakes, not hail. *Music ends*
*Applause*
Alright! Nice! 500 points to each of you. And heck, I still feel sorry, another hundred to Bright.
Yeah, I'll take 'em.
And don't go away, we still got more Whose Line is it Anyway!
Welcome back, once again. I dug up an interesting one this time, it's called "Animals". This is for Star, Bright, and Dull. How this game is played is you are going to act out a typical soap-opera scene as dictated by these cards, but the catch is you all have to act as a type of animal. Your scene is... Dull is the director of a funeral being held for Bright, whom is laying in the open coffin, with grieving widow -Star- saying her final goodbyes. When suddenly, Bright comes back to life as a zombie. That's your scene, and you have to act it out as... humans, homo-sapiens, man! Good luck with that. Now whenever you're ready, take it away.
On a cloudy afternoon, Dull was leaning over the casket containing the recently deceased Bright Smiles. As a funeral director, he had to deal with grieving relatives on a regular basis. This case was no different when Bright's widowed wife, Star, arrives to the burial in tears.
Star stood on his hind legs and bawled his eyes out into his front hooves as he approached the coffin. His sobs were cut short as he quickly lost balance and began to seemingly charge at Dull in a tackle. As he was caught and stabilized by Dull, they leaned into each other in an embrace and he resumed his mourning. "Ohhh! I can't believe it!"
Dull tried his best to comfort him. "Now now... It was just his time to go."
"Not that!" Star pushes him away and forced them both to cautiously remain steady on their back legs without support. "I mean I can't believe I was the only one to show UUUP!" As he fanned his front hoof to the empty seats behind them, the momentum led him to careen into them. He stopped himself by toppling into one of the chairs and grabbing the seat. After catching his breath, he uses the chair as a walker to return to the casket and seat himself down up close. "Oh, he was right. I really was the only one who cared about him!"
Dull, noticeably confused by Star's actions, methodically walked towards him and leaned against the back of the chair. He whispers, "I think you may be cheating."
Star gasped. "How DARE you?! You think that I slept with someone else and drove him to suicide?!"
Dull backs away and tries desperately to stay upright. He leans forward, he responds, "that's how he died, isn't it?!"
"Oh, the nerve!!" Star back-hoofs him and sends him spinning in unkempt circles.
After steadying himself, Dull sticks his own hoof up in frustration in Star's direction. "--You too, lady."
All of the sudden, they hear groaning from the open casket. Star falls backwards in his chair and scrambles to his hind-quarters. He soon felt his shoulders supporting Dull leaning on him.
Two pink hooves rose from the casket and grasped the sides. Bright hoisted himself up and slowly turned his head to face Star and Dull and stared at them with a slacked jaw. "Cheating..."
Star was more offended than scared. "Excuse me?!"
Bright crawled out and slid down the side of the coffin and clawed his way toward them at a snails pace. He dragged his limp lower body behind him and used only his front hooves. "Cheating..."
"You're one to talk," Dull quipped.
"Huh?" Bright angled his face up at him and held himself frozen in shock. He lifts one of his front hooves up. "--You too, buddy." He resumed groaning as he focused on slowly chasing down Dull.
Dull begins clumsily sprinting in wide strides to escape. His front hooves flailed in front of him, desperate to regain stability. He inadvertently crashes into a "bush" which springs him back toward Bright. He had no choice but to vault over him and do a flip. With a loud "thump" he lands flat on his back and begins to moan from the resulting soreness. "Ow." *Bzt bzt bzzzzzzzzzzzt!*
Alright! Let's end that before we have another injury.
*Audience continues to cheer as the performers return to their seats; Star carrying his back*
2000 points to Dull: 1000 thousand as compensation for his back, and another thousand for working harder than his co-stars.
*Audience oohs lightly*
Hey, it looked hard even with wings to help your balance.
*Dull coughs accusingly*
Yeah. Another 500 for Dull.
*Audience cheers*
And that's it for now, but don't go away, we have more Whose Line coming your way!
Hey! Welcome Back to Whose Line! ...I said welcome back! *Bzt! Bzt!*
Huh? What?! It's about time. Installing update 1 of 38...
Yeah yeah, it's been a while. Let's just cut to the chase and move on with a game called "Frequent Flyer Miles, My Ass!"
What kind of a game is that?
I like it already.
No, sorry. That was just a message. *Ahem* "Improbable Mission"! Dull and Blunt, come on up.
*Audience applauds*
What I need from the audience is an example of a common household activity.
Bed-making!Making a sandwich!Pizza Delivery!
Pizza delivery? Ehh... Not a household activity, but I think that sounds doable. So, Dull and Blunt, you'll be going a mission where you deliver a pizza. Star will give you your instructions. Now, whenever you're ready, take it away.
Dull and Blunt were just about to sit down for lunch when Star started banging incessantly on the door. "Open up! Let me in! It's raining!"
Dull rushes over to open the door and let him inside. As Star shakes himself dry, Dull replies, "why didn't you just use your spare key?"
"That was a key? Anyway..." Star pulls out a dry parchment with a message. "He bites my ear as he plunges deep insi--" He gasps at the sudden realization of what he was reading and drops the letter. He quickly dots out a cross pattern on his chest and resumes reading the other side on the paper. "Afternoon agents."
"Afternoon," Dull and Blunt respond in unison.
"Lovely weather we're having, huh?"
They all look out the window.
"Ahh, see? I told you I'd get the hang of sarcasm. Now, your next mission is of grieve importance: You must... deliver a pizza. Make your way down to Gahoofcie's, pick up the Xtra-large double artichoke and olive deep-dish and deliver it to that stuck up airhead my nephew next door."
"Oh my god..." Blunt utters in shock.
"Yep, sucks to be you, doesn't it?" Star teased with a smile.
"No, I just finished reading the other side of the message."
Star's face became one of disbelief. "Why does she tear out piece's of her journal for these messages?!" The letter then suddenly burst into flames and instantly burned to ashes.
"Apparently that," Dull stated.
"Mane's on fire, by the way." Blunt points to Star who promptly screams like a filly and darts outside to extinguish it.
Dull turned to his partner. "Well, there's no time to waste. Let's go!"
They shake hooves and hurry into the garage. They climb into the front seats of the car and sit dumbfounded for a couple of seconds. "Wait." Blunt speaks up. "What the hell is this thing?!"
"Well don't look at me!"
"You're sitting in the driver's seat. Or at least I assume it's the driver's seat."
"I don't know how to use this thing." Dull ponders for a moment. "I got it." He climbs out. "You drive. I'm getting the beans..." he reaches for an old can of beans on the garage shelf and opens it with the pull-tab. He gulps it all down and climbs onto the trunk of the car.
"What are you doing?!" Blunt calls back.
"Keep your eyes on the roOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAD!" They are both caught off guard as they start to charge out into the streets and speed past oncoming traffic, which was mostly horse-drawn carriages.
"Sorry! Comin' through! Pardon! This thing hasn't been invented yet!" Blunt called out to pedestrians as they raced their way to the parlour.
The "engine" came to a halt just outside the front door of the parlour. "Mr. Gahoofcie?!" Dull hollered. The parlour was completely dark. He hopped off and peaked inside the window. "They're closed?!"
"Then let's get a pizza from another place!" Blunt beckoned.
"No! The letter said it had to be this place." Dull goes back to the trunk, opens it, and digs through the junk. "We'll have to break in and make it ourselves!" He pulls out a large contraption. "I got the glass cutter!" He immediately tosses it at the window, causing it to completely shatter, leaving them plenty of room to enter. "Come on!"
Dull jumped inside and waited intently for his partner to follow. He looked surprised as he watched him get out of the car and just walk in through the front door, which was apparently unlocked. they both shrug it off and made their way into the kitchen. "Alright, where could we get some dough?"
"I think they keep some in the fridge." Blunt walks into the fridge and immediately finds a lump. "Got one!" He suddenly begins feeling all snuffly. "Oh no. I think they put garlic in the dough." He flattens the dough on the counter and violently sneezes all over it.
"Whelp, there's our sauce."
"What?!"
"It's for Blueblood. Who'd you think our boss was talking about?"
"Oh. Whez the cheese?"
Dull goes into the fridge and digs through the contents of the shelf. "Found a block!" he brings it out and places it on the counter. "Now how are we supposed to grate it?"
"I got a weed-whacker." Blunt pulls it out of nowhere and revs it up.
"Perfect!"
The motor buzzed as he ran the business end all over the block of cheese, little shreds flying all over the room. The whole room was full of "grated" cheese all over the floor, almost no one of it stayed on the counter. Blunt stopped the machine and observed. "Aww, it's not enough."
Dull looks around for a moment before making a hasty decision. "Looks like we'll have to make some." He pulls out a cowbell, and amazing, a cow shows up in the kitchen. -Moo!- "Whoa there, Betsy!" Dull quickly grabs a stool and bucket and gets to work.
"Awe we gonna have time to make aw own cheese?"
Dull turns around and stares back at him. "Cheese is no laughing matter..." He resumes milking. "Go get the artichokes!" The cow gets startled and trots away, -Moo!- kicking over the bucket on the way. "No, not you!" He picks up the overturned bucket and watches the last few drops trickle out. He moans in frustration. "Gaaaaaahhhhhh..."
Blunt picks up the lump of snotty dough. "What now?"
Suddenly, a ding sounded behind them. "What the--?" Dull inspected the source and found an oven that was still on. He gasped when he looked in side. "An Xtra-large double artichoke and olive!" He takes it out and prepares to pack it up. "Ahh! But it's thin crust!" he picks it up and tosses it out the window.
"Should we just cook this?" Blunt suggested with the snot-dough still in his hooves.
"Screw it. Let's get one from the market." *Bzt! Bzt! Bzzzzttt!*
*Audience cheering*
Haha. Ya, screw him, he's not worth it. A thousand points to each of you. And I'll give 500 to Star if he shares the rest of that story...
No, thanks. I choose life.
Well that all the time we have for now, but don't go away!
Greetings and welcome, everyone! This is the Whose Line: MLP Christmas Special! We have some new, but known faces.
I look forward to our appointment next week,Silver Quill!
What's your favourite show again?ILoveKimPossibleALot!
Does your mother know about this?Ink Rose!
And a man who's not as pretentious as you think,VoiceOfReason!
I am your guest host, Dr. Wolf! Let's get this started!
*Audience cheers as Dr. Wolf arrives at desk*
Yes, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays to everyone. To those just joining in, welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway: My Little Pony edition! And welcome to the Christmas special. I'm feeling so excited. How about you guys?
I am the only performer here without wings.
Not to worry. I will join in at the end after choosing an arbitrary "winner", so I'll be a wingless performer as well. Speaking of the arbitrary winner, I say that because at the end of these games, I will choose one of you to take my place at the desk based off no actual criteria. Because, in true fashion of the show, the points do not matter.
So you can give your favourite patient here a billion points but still choose me?
Theoretically, yes.
Ahh. It seems nice to not be the subject of favouritism for once.
We will see, Silver. Lastly, all these games will have a Christmas theme since it only makes sense. Now, let's get into the swing of things with a simple game called... "Let's Make A Date"!
*Audience applauds*
How we play this game is Ink Rose will sit on one stool on the far side of the stage and everyone else will sit on one these other stools that have envelopes concealing a strange quirk or identity for each of them. They have never seen them before, and it is Ink's job to choose a suitable bachelour from how they answer her questions and try to guess their little quirks.
Ummm... A certain someone may not like the idea of me being on a dating show.
Now, now. We both now he's happy when you're happy.
That is true.
I smell shenanigans in my card.
I only read them, Silver. I don't write them. Now, when you three are all settled, take it away.
*Ahem* Bachelour #1... When you--
I'm gonna be just like daddy!
Cool! Now, when you hear the word "time", what do you think of most?
[Rudolph's overly eager daughter with a glowing blue tail] When he finally retires and gives me the job! I know the route! I can withstand hailstorms just like the others! And I learned how to fly backwards like I needed to! *Gets up, turns around, leans over stool and sways flank side to side toward camera* All clear, boys!
... Bachelour #2!
What?!
Whoa... Umm. What advice would you give to someone who's unsure about their future?
[One of Santa's bitter elves looking for Tom Kenny to discuss him stealing his "Spongebob" voice]<--Link Well... No matter what career they choose, especially voice acting, they need to learn how to be more original. 'Cause let me tell all of you something... *Hops off stool and waddles on his knees over to a camera* You do NOT want to get famous off of someone else's material! *Grabs lens* You know who you are. I'm gonna find you... and we're gonna have a little talk... *Waddles back to seat and climbs back on*
Well, you'll be glad to know I come from a very creative upbringing. Bachelour #3! Do you have a special dream?
[Nicolas Cage as a chicken with a vendetta for eggnog] *Breathing deeply* Bawk!... Bawk bawk bawk!... BakAAAAAAAAWWK! *Gets up from seat and struts head with each step as he makes his way to the desk* What are you drinking?... What is it?! Yoooouuu monster... How would you feel if I tried to kidnap and drink your kids?! *Takes mug full of eggnog and returns to seat* Don't worry... *Deep breathing* You'll be safe with mommy from now on. *Pants*
I'll leave you time alone. Bachelour #1, what's your fondest childhood memory?
*Talking into invisible cellphone* No, daddy, I told you I'm over my crush on Prancer! ... Look, I... I know they're all gonna be staring back at me when I'm leading. I think you're just jealous 'cause I'm starting to steal all your attention... Oh yeah-huh!
Never mind. Bachelour #2? I think there should always be a healthy amount of give and take in a relationship. What could you give to me?
*Flicks KP's tail using it as a lighter for a cigarette* Don't care, kid. *Puffs* Unless you can get me into Nickelodeon HQ unlike a certain jolly fat man, I ain't giving you jack! *puffs* One of these days... Ol' "Ken-ken" will be out of a job when the genuine article shows up to the execs.
Good luck with that. Bachelou--
You heartless animals call yourselves pro-life?! *Inhales through teeth* You weren't satisfied with just cooking them on a pan, you had to DRINK 'em, too! I'll never let you have these! Bradley and Steven here are staying with me! *Caresses cup* Don't worry, little fellas... The least I can do is make sure you stay with mommy forever. *Drinks eggnog*
*Bzt Bzzzzzzttt!!*
So, Ink Rose? Would you care to hazard a few guesses?
I think I may have gotten a little too political there. I apologize.
Oh, don't worry about it. Considering... Anyway, Ink?
I'm still trying to process. Though, knowing that they're all Christmas themed is helping. Ummm... Bachelour #1 is Rudolph's daughter?
Yes, and...?
She will be leading the sleigh soon because she... has a glowinnnnngg... I hope it's the tail.
*Bzt!* Yes! Nicely done.
Bachelour #2 is an angry elf from Santa's workshop. And he has the same voice as Spongebob.
Ahh! There is something to do with that Spongebob voice...
Ummm... Oh! He wants to speak with Tom Kenny about it!
*Bzt!* Very good!
And bachelour #3... Now that I think about it, he was just Nicolas Cage being Nicolas Cage.
*Chuckles* I wish that could be enough, but what else?
He has a lot to say about eggnog.
And why would that be?
He is... a chicken?
*Bzt!* Yes! Says here that he is a chicken with a vendetta for eggnog.
Ah! Okay.
*All performers return to seats as audience applauds*
I can't believe I did that for the camera...
Well, this is all actually in text format. So it's all up to the readers' imaginations.
That makes it a little worse, actually.
I thought we weren't allowed to be meta.
Oh! That's right. Though they never said that rule was that strict.
Hey, Silver. How did your children taste?
There is no other context that could make that question any less creepy. But, naw. I never really liked eggnog, anyway.
Well, at any rate, that is a thousand points to each of you. And we will right back with more Whose Line in just a moment!
Welcome back! And just in time. I just got a refill.
Is it normal to just sit in these chairs for weeks on end without any sort of activity?
For the usual actors, apparently so. Fortunately for us, we can just jump from game to game. Speaking of which, this next game is called "Scene to Rap". This is for all four of you.
*Audience cheers*
This isn't what I think it is, is it?
You MIGHT be wrapping presents. But in this game, Silver and KP will start off the scene and Ink and Voice will join in later. Throughout the whole scene, you will be rapping.
Ooooohhh...
Nooooo...
Don't worry, we are all here to make others laugh. So in a sense, it might be better if you end up doing badly.
We still have to try though, right?
Oh, of course. You will be rapping, and with the musical accompaniment of "mix-master" Wing Maid. Whom I've been told is the show's pianist. Now, what I need from the audience is a Christmas related activity...
Turkey dinner!Charity work!Wrapping presents!
Oh! I heard wrapping presents, but I think we will do charity work. So you guys will be rapping as you perform a scene where you do charity work. So, when you hear the music, take it away.
*Funky fresh beat starts playing*
...
Yo, Bird-brain!
Yeah, it's gettin' late and it's gettin' cold I wanna finish this shelter before I'm old Only one thing left to finish this hall Let's get some soup when we lift this wall
*Short dance*
Well you just started but I've been here all day My brother will be here with somethin' to say I got two minutes before I'm done All I have to do is use this nail gun *Pss pss pss pss pss pss pss pss* Ow! Ow! You shot me you jerk! Now look at me! I can't get to work! Look at the nail it's lodged in my shoulder! Why I oughtta crush you with a boulder! Woah! Oh crap! I didn't mean to! That was an accident!
We gotta hurry 'fore he winds up dead The shelter can't be painted with too much red We gotta hurry before this heads south But don't you fret, I know mouth-to-mouth
*MMMMMM!* *MMMMMM!*
Hang on now this doesn't make sense Don't just kiss me, call an ambulance!
No need to worry I'm an on-site nurse I'll put you in bed, not in a hearse I'll fix your wound just like no other I'll kiss it away just like your mother
*Mwah!*
Wow it worked! Who'da thought?! Though I think I could still use a tetanus shot
*Closing dance sequence*
I should probably put this down
*Bzt b-bzt b-bzt bzt bzzzzzzzzt!*
*Audience cheering* Very good! See?! You're naturals. 500 points to each of you, but only 499 to Silver Quill.
Aww, why?
You have neglected to review proper safety procedures when using power tools.
Yeah, and Ink only kissed the pain away. The nail's still here. See?
Speaking of which, I love how you said "don't just kiss me".
Yeeeaaahh... This is probably going to be my favourite game.
Hello again. Let us keep things rolling along with a game called "Narrate". This is for Voice and Silver. They are going to act out a scene in a typical film-noir setting. The atmosphere is quiet and foreboding, and they will occasionally step forward on the stage and provide their own narrations out loud to the audience, such as their inner thoughts. What I need from the audience is an everyday place where ponies might meet, especially during the holidays...
Airport!Park!Mall!
Mall! Let's go with the mall.
Get in the car, loser. We're going to Hot Topic.
So, you guys will be acting out a film-noir scene set in the mall. When you hear the music, take it away.
Voice was browsing around the main hall of the local shopping centre. He soon found himself crossing paths with an old acquaintance.
---
I thought I could do my Christmas shopping in peace. It is a Tuesday in September, after all.
But why, of all ponies, did I have to come across him again?
I can't hide forever, though. It's now or never...
---
Voice walked up to Silver Quill, who was patiently admiring the fountain, and abruptly announced his presence. "Fiddlestick? It's me..."
Silver turned around to face him. "Oh hey! It's you!" He looked on all puzzled. "You..."
"Don't act like you don't remember me." Voice voiced his disdain with force in his voice. "I know it's been eight years since we last saw each other. But you don't forget ponies like me!"
---
It all started to come back.
Now that I heard "eight years", I recall my old co-worker saying that the next we'd see each other, he'd be a new pony.
I never expected it to mean that he'd go through with that sex change.
---
Silver's eyes shot wide open. "Cherry Pit?!"
"It's 'Blossom' now," Voice corrected.
"I thought you were kidding! Everyone thought you were kidding."
Voice took offense. "Oh! You all thought my sexuality was a joke?!"
"No! Not that!" Silver waved his claw in defense. "We just thought you would never afford it. We were all working at a factory, after all."
---
I overreacted. I've only had this body for 4 months; I'm not used to the mood swings.
But at any rate, wait until he hears that I'm a model for a voyeuristic art class.
...
I should probably also look up what that word means.
---
Voice calmed himself. "Well, my old friend, I'll have you know that I simply took out a loan. I am now using my new body to pay it off."
---
Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh...
---
Silver stared with a blank expression. "Uuuuuhhh..."
"For Famine's sake! I'm a model!"
Silver snapped back to reality. "Oh! C-congratulations." He smiles nervously. "For what?"
Voice begins to speak but halts himself and leaves his jaw to hang open for a brief moment. "...I'm a model."
Silver rears his head back. "Ooooohhh... I think I know--"
Voice cuts him off. "No! I have finally been gifted with the body that I was always meant to have. I am enjoying it so much, that I need everyone else to enjoy it with me..."
---
I know you want to as well.
---
"Uuuuuuuuuuhhhh--" Silver continued, staring into the void.
"Okay. Let me put it this way," Voice explained. "How would you like to take up an art class?"
"--Less awkward." Silver states abruptly. "I suppose."
"Just think about it." He starts to elaborate. "We both have gone through our own trials and tribulations since we've parted ways at the restaurant--"
"Factory."
"Factory... that this would be an excellent way to catch up," Voice excitedly waves his front hoof around in appropriate accompanying gestures, "as well as get to know the new me and show how open-minded I'm sure you are."
---
He-- She has gotten me backed into a corner. I never knew becoming a mare would make hi-- her so feisty.
Sweet War and Pestilence!... This could only mean one thing. Fortunately, I am a cunning linguist.
---
"I think I left my refrigerator running." Silver hastily excused himself.
"Don't walk away from me!" Voice grabs him and forces him to stay. "Listen, I'm not good at keeping secrets, so I'm not much of a mare yet. But I think you know very well what it is." He narrows his eyes and begins to stare Silver down.
---
I can't help myself. Physically, I've only been a mare for a few months. But this mare has been trapped in the body of a stallion for 30 years.
When I met bird-boy at the factory, I knew I had to do something one day. And that day had to come soon...
---
"I NEED you, Fiddle!" Voice wraps his front legs around Silver's shoulders and looks him dead in the eye. "I know you may not feel the same way, but I needed to let this out."
Silver stared back for a moment dumbfounded. After feeling a couple of hard breaths on the base of his neck, he took the spur of the moment to quickly nestle the front curve of his beak just below Voice's nose.
---
I wasn't thinking. I figured I would just humour her and just get on with my day.
But she was the closest I had to a friend at that factory. I've known her for so long, it may be weird at first.
But then again... Dat magically augmented, childbearing flank...
---
---
You ship us, I'll shiv you.
---
*Bzzzzzzzzztt!*
*Audience cheering*
I did not expect either of you to go that far. I say that's worth 5000 points each.
*More cheering*
I originally meant to ease into something about a toy that was out of stock. I didn't expect Silver to make that joke. It's not exactly something you could ignore.
Great job regardless.
I am serious, though. Don't ship us.
Ever heard of something called reverse psychology?
Ehh, you know what? I can get away with it. This fic isn't that popular anyway.
Voice...
Oh, right.
Even if... I still did my part to protect you in the last game.
Ah, right! Thanks again.
What are friends for?
For those of you keeping track, we will return real soon with more Whose Line!
It wasn't sparkling. So I dumped it. *Turns head like sassy diva*
Well, hopefully this won't interfere with our next game, "Press Conference". This is for all four of you.
*Audience applauds*
Silver, can you take this prop podium to center-stage? Thank you. Now this is a guessing game. Silver is a politician or something of a similar sort but he has no idea who he is, what he does, or why he's there. He is being interviewed by KP, Ink, and Voice, who are all news reporters looking for answers to their questions. It is Silver's job to guess who he is based on the questions the others ask him. So, if you three could come over and look at this card...
Oh-ho!
Try not to give it away.
Hold on a second... I think... Yes! Instead of a news conference, how about you three are therapists trying help out Silver as your patient?
Awww. For me, Doc?
It does seem doable.
I like it. Let's do that!
Alright! Then Silver, care to give back that podium? After being active for three games, I say you deserve to rest on the floor.
I was in all three games, too. Can't I rest?
You can have a seat on that step. In fact, all three of you can do that. It helps the atmosphere.
Alright. So are we settled? Give it your best shot.
So, mein patient. Vhat haz you here in our office today?
[Tirek announcing he is now roommates with Jesus](Blacked out for anyone who may want to try to guess for themselves.) Well... It has been getting harder and harder to cope on my own. I know doing this is expensive, but this is my last hope.
Not to worry. Now, how do you remember this all starting?
I... lost a bet. I thought to myself "this can't be that bad." I was wrong.
How has it been treating you?
I've lost my will to smile... Every waking moment, I'm reminded that I have to live with this decision.
It sayz here zhat he iz some-vun you know from "vay back vhen". How far back exactly?
Since childhood, I recall that much. He used to be my friend. Now he's ruining my life.
Is he ruining your job? Your love-life or maybe privacy?
Subsequently, all three. 'Cause mostly he's ruining my fun.
I'm sure we all like to make a mess from time to time and admire it. But it's hard when someone just comes along and cleans it up in a heartbeat.
Oh, sure. I know I like to make the occasional mess. But all I ask is to spend time in my comfort zone. But no! Everything needs to be neat and tidy.
Might your grief be becauze ze oz'er poniez are treating him like a saint, und you a munster?
Uuuuggghhh... I've been trying to change so hard. I want to tell myself I'm not jealous. He's always a step ahead of me.
He seems to be a step ahead by always being right behind you. He doesn't like to leave you alone, does he?
Whenever I go out, he's right there. He keeps this cold eye on me, waiting for me to do my thing so he can do his.
Yes. It must be hard to live with someone whose magic is so much more powerful than your own. I've heard the ponies say his can perform miracles.
I work so hard to get so far in my escapades. But of course, he just reverses it all with a snap.
Let'z do an excercize. Imagine zis doll iz him. Do you vish to punch him in ze face?
Mmmmmmmm... I cant! Everypony thinks he's so perfect! ...And I do, too...
Have you tried talking your issues out? Surely someone like him would be open to it.
All he does is talk. But... I never listen. Deep down... I don't want to change. *Gasp* I'm the problem!
Surely you've taken your frustrations out by taking his name in vain? Like many others do habitually?
I've thought of it. But it just feels wrong. After all, he's right there. In fact, if you think about it... he's everywhere. And on a more literal sense than you think. *Bzt Bzzzzzzzzt!*
I hope that wasn't too soon. But I think you got it. Who are you, Silver?
I'm Discord trying to deal with Jesus Christ as my roommate?
Oooohh! So close!
Oh! I'm Tirek!
Yes! *Bzzt!*
*Audience cheers*
Yeah, I would have guessed the same thing the first time around as well.
Nice accent, by the way.
Thanks.
Well, that's all for now, but we will be right back. We will find out who the winner is, and I myself will get to join in on the finale, so don't go away!
Welcome to the finale of the Whose Line MLP Christmas Special! Our winner tonight: VoiceOfReason! *Gestures to desk* Congratulations!
*Audience cheers*
I'll be taking his place in this final game while he rests comfortably at the desk. How is it, by the way?
It's a little high. My thighs are sandwiched against the top.
Yeah, I needed to adjust it for my size. Just pull the lever underneath.
*Pulls lever* Now I feel powerful.
Good. Now, everyone. I must confess: I was a bit naughty recently. I felt we should end this special with a special game. So I did some digging. What did I dig up, Voice?
...Care to take a moment to rephrase that, my canine friend? Well, anyway... This game is called "Two-Headed". This is a game involving two pairs of performers. So Ink and KP will be one pair, and Silver and DR.Wolf will be the other. Uhhh... Hold each other close to your torsos, as if you're giving half a hug. Doc, shouldn't you be the one explaining?
Well, I'm not at the desk, am I?
Oh, c'mon. You know I can't read. *Ahem* KP and Ink have to alternate between speaking each word, and Silver and Doc will have to speak in unison. KP and Ink, are you enjoying the show so far?
Splendid. Now the scene is KP and Ink, let's call them "Jewel" because reasons, finds "Santa" putting presents under the tree in the middle of the night. *Kicks hind hooves up onto desk and prepares to enjoy the show* Take it away.
'Twas the night before Hearth's Warming Christmas, and all through the house, screw the tradition, let's get to the story. Jewel was awoken suddenly at the faint sounds of rattling boxes and hoofsteps. She quickly darts down the stairs to find Santa setting the last present under the tree. She gasps,"ohmygosh!You'rereal!"
Santa turns around to face her with a mildly surprised look on his face. Normally, he should be more concerned about being found, but he knows how to work his way out. "Whhhhhyyy, yes, my child! I amSa/reanta Claus."
Jewel calmed herself down so as not to wake her parents. "Ithoughtyou...wouldbe...bigger."
Santa put his sack down and patted his belly. "I am ooon a dddddiiiiet. I didn't eat the cookies."
Jewel was puzzled. "Butyoudranktheeggnog."
"I need my prrroootein," Santa answered. "Whhhyyy don't you have the cookies?"
"I'mnotallowedtohavesnacksafterdark."
"My/Motheeeer knows best." Santa concurred. "You're right." He stepped forward and tried to urge her to go upstairs. "Noooowww wwwhhyy don't youuuu go back to your bedroom... and let me finish?"
"Don't wwwwoorry." Santa assuaged her fears. "I have ssssllllleeeiiigh'd drunk before. I am fine."
Jewel had an epiphany and gasped."You'renotSanta!"
"Yes, I am!" Santa quickly rebutted.
"Okay." Jewel stares at him with a suspicious look. "Whatarethe...namesofyour...reindeer?"
"Oh! That's... easy!" Santa starts to shift in his spot. "There's Dddaaaanc/sher... Dash/nc/shhher... Prrraaancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen!"
"Holdon!" Jewel raised her hoof and whispered to herself. "YousaidDashertwice!...Somehow."
"Ummmmm..." The so-called Santa twiddled his thumbs. "Ho ho ho!" He dashes out of the house, leaving his cap behind.
Alright. It has now come for the five of us to say goodbye. Everyone...
I'm Silver Quill
I'm KP
I'm Ink Rose
I'm VoiceOfReason
And I am Dr.Wolf. To everyone in our "studio audience", to all the readers, to our friends and family, and to the usual performers who will return when we depart... Merry Christmas to all, happy holidays and a happy new year! And goooooooood night!!
