- Member Since 2nd Apr, 2013
- offline last seen March 16th
thesilentpony
Darkness will always end up out lasting the light.
thesilentpony
Joined 2nd Apr, 2013 ·
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It was really interesting. A bit rushed, some things pulled out of nowhere without explanation and such. I did find weird the fact the tasks between Celestia and Luna (plus their color) was swapped, but then i saw the "alternate universe" tag. Keep up the good work.
*rotten
2454687
You are most welcome cooljwj.
If you want some help with editing you can go to here or you can type "editors" into the search engine for groups.
Also another tip that I found really helps is to write something and then wait at least a day to edit it. I know it might be hard, but it is better to clear your mind and get a fresh look at your work than to post something prematurely.
Glad to be of service and here's to chapter 2 getting those likes you want!
Its funny how Spike seems to be getting tamer and tamer in this world, but then your expectations are thrown out of the window as he tries to destroy everything around him.
I hope Regular spike is able to save his family from the warlord. Otherwise this will turn out bad.
Look pal, we get it. Eve Spike is EVIL. you really don't need to remind us every single little second. It gets annoying.
I don't think I like where this is going anymore...
This Spike is something of a Villain Sue, eh?
Yea I hope to see Celestia and Luna put him in his place.and I hope Twilight can defeat him with the elements of harmony.
2470171
At first I thought the story will give us some falsh backs about how spike took over Equestria and how did he killed, raped and/or broke the spiris of the rest of the elements and the princesses. Most of all i wanted to know more about Spike's and Twilight's hate and love relationship. That was very fascinating and it has a lot of potential.
When you sended him to "Good Equestria" I thought the story will be simple about him taking over this new world. But now is seems is getting more complicated that it needs to be and for no reason.
Worst of all is that you keep contradicting yor own rules. Frist you tell us that any being can only travel between worlds once and never come back. One scene and a half later Spike finds a way to go back and forth that aparently he will be using from now on. A good story always has consistency.
2470171
And where did he got that gem he used to absorb Twilight's magic? And why he didn't use it to stop the fisrt teleportation spell on the first place?
2471903
pocket dimension under a scale (its in there)
also its not complex it's rather simple
Spike used dark magic, Celestia is a holy creature and would never consider that as an option normally, there for she deemed it impossible so pony wouldn't try it
also the story is consistent, things that one character might say, might not always be true, it can always be proved wrong at a another time
such as Celestia, while being extremely powerful does not know everything she's not a god, she can be wrong and has been in the show before
2471903
reason why he didn't do it to stop from teleporting in the first place is because it was a different spell, seals work under different things, such as she didn't shoot him or he could have easily, but the spell she used was from a seal so he couldn't because it wasn't directed energy
also there was nothing to suggest a love hate anything with either twilight
also you cannot see the whole story, so events that seem unimportant could actually become massive events later on, like for the final events of the story which are about another 30+ chapters away(this will be a long story as he takes over the pure world) the story shows many events that happen in his world that changed him into what he is, a monster and why he became it. there are many important events that have yet to happen
2471903
last comment, also if you have any questions send a mail, I don't want to fill up comments talking, that way I can reply without filling up the comment list, i'll be deleting comments later
okay had forgotten to add where a gem came from at one point and that Celestia actually was wrong about being able to jump worlds, fixed it for those who have already read it
also added in spells and seals are different, explained why he couldn't have stopped T Ever sparkle from using the seal because it's a different kind of magic
i wonder how this'll play out
itll either be
A spike dominates all if them easily
B spike pulls out a trump card at the last second
C he gets his a** kicked by a rainbow laser
(TASTE THE RAINBOW MOTHA FUCKA!!!)
And so he is ready to take over the new world.
2475861
hahahahahahaha
Does this Equestria share the timeline of the series proper? I ask this because what Twilight saved Ponyville from was an Ursa Minor, i.e. a baby. The Ursa Major was never seen in Ponyville, is purple, and way, way, way bigger. I'm not certain even an adult dragon could easily cow one, considering they're likely twice his size.
2482925
yes it is the ursa major(the big ones), three of them, Spike/seffron is a full grown dragon and is larger than two of them combine, he can also change size to anything by magic, so he could become as big as a mountain if he wanted to,(I added how big he became, forgot to add it) Ursa minor is the cub, but the cub is a new born so its actually much smaller than in the show at this point in time allowing Trixie to steal it and keep it asleep and under her control
also I forgot that it was purple, i changed it
i find tyrant spike to be arousing to my interest.
it took me awhile but i finally put it together that this world is G3.
CONTINUE BRAVO
You know? there is not fun in making up a dilemma or a conflict if the main character can solve it by just taking a piss. I get he is a god like creature now. But didn't you say that his powers were a lot weaker on this dimension?
In any case, you really need to stop giving him magic plot device super power every two seconds that allow him to solve every little problem from a fly on the soup, to an alien invasion. Or else the story will get very predictable and very BORING very soon.
Even so, the torture and sex scene was awesome.
"If you give a pony some hay, he will thank you. But if you give a dragon some magic, he will rule you."
Fix that man. And I'm sure, you'll get a lot more readers.
2494306 It got predictable and boring a while ago, and also annoying as hell.
2494931
And you, this story is not predictable or boring, if anything I enjoy it and that's really all that matters therefore it is not boring. Second of all you cannot possibly know the next events, just because you know a general idea of what will happen in the end doesn't mean you know anything that will happen between here and there
2495167
So far he's been able to teleport, move from one world to another, shapeshift, make the dead earth fertile again, give/feed/take away the magic of other beings, instantly heal flesh and bones, prevent others from dying by age and even bring the dead back. That's pretty Godlike to me.
And once again this is something that should be explained in the story. Not outside of it. And yes, he suffered an injury. Yet he recovers five minutes later. So what's the point? He might as well just say: Give me a moment to rest/recover.
I know that. But that doesn't mean you have to give him a ver specific ability to help him deal with everything that happens around him, nor make him use it. Wouldn't it be a much better idea not to show of just how powerfull you are, so you can take everyone by surprise once you decide it's time to take over the world?
With AJ and Rd for example. He just save Ponyville and all of its inhabitants, from being squashed/ destroyed. There was no need to play mother earth and rebiuld all the orchard, nor give RD a speed boost, just to make them like him. He has a lot of time to spare, right?
The story isn't bad. But there are things you really need to fix.
2496315
Okay much shorter than three pages
points
corrupt world=basically god
pure world=weak=ton of spells=appears strong
(was explained, maybe not understood, will check)
needs trust=does things
ton of spells=useful=desired help=general trust
shows power=scares Ursa Major=saves ponyville=general trust
destroyed trees=powerful spell=injury=noticed=selfless pure act=trust of Applejack=reliable trust
shows power=gives spell book=assumed more power=trust of twilight
teaches 2xrain boom=trust of rainbow dash=useful weapon/more trust
shows power=they get ready=feel safe=believe they have upper hand=more trust
keep pets=protects=alive=alive longer to torture=more fun!(hehe)
also yes I did need those two parts for later important things. Like Dash needed to be a weapon for the bog or the city would have been destroyed by the army, the elements of harmony are a strong weapon, but only appear to be useful against one enemy at a time.
2496927
Dude I know what's going on. I know WHY it is going on. It's the way you execute such ideas, what I'm saying you should fix.
Because if things keep going on this way, this will be very soon just another Dragon ball Z/ Lord of the rings story with ponies. And a very annoying main character that makes all drama nonexistent, cuz despite all of his "limitations" he has a solution for every single problem in the known universe.
2497463
okay I see what you mean
this story is really good. although some of the things seems a bit wrong.
I really like the atmosphere and the speed story develops.
the lax handling of sex and addiction
, is a nice bonus.
like, fav and waiting for more
2520812
send me what you think is wrong and i'll try to fix it, I have no editors so any fixes would be greatly welcomed
2520824 sorry I cant my english is to bad and most of det things is characters that do not behave as I think they should and plot holes.
but dont let it stop you. I love the filings I get from the story having a godlike evil Sprik
.
no.
everything seems to go bad in a good way. I hoper still for a happy ending ...
plz let them keep their innocence
2520881
I see
Those seals on Pinkie, Dash, and Twilight worry me somewhat.
i get the feeling that nega spikes starting to turn good
or at least less anti-villan
Clearly, Seffron is being cleansed by the purity of the world he meant to destroy.
Now isn't that a sentimental little thought?