Shadow is a dark Stallion which is skilled in forbidden magic, and he is in the night royal guard which protects Princess Celestia during sleep. All things considered she gets little sleep, making it an unpleasant job. Having been cheated out of the title, caption of the guard and Princess Celestia's personal guard by Shining Armor, he is given a second chance as Princess Luna comes to live at Canterlot
The story has very limited use of bad language. Has suggested scenes, but no actual sex scenes.
Chapters (9)
Every moment was enthralling. I absolutely loved it. Thankyou for a magnificent story.
Why so many downvotes? Because of chapter length?
2377368 If so that's a shame. I won't be reading because dark/sad is usually not my cup of tea but if anyone is actually downvoting for chapter length then they should just get off the site. Rate it on its merits or don't rate at all, ffs.
If this is true I hope the author isn't discouraged either. Just try dividing into 5-10k chapters in the future and your thumbs might reflect better.
2378144 i personally don't care about chapter lenght only if it's good and judging by the comments this is a story worth reading i'll give it a read myself later today.
Good stuff right here, if anything the spelling could use a little more tact, but overall everything was great!
For your first story this was awesome!~
P.S. Don't let the n00bs who down voted your story get to you, they probably don't even have the capacity to write something near half as good as you did in this fic.
2382995
thank you
I noticed that you had a lot of down votes but looking at the coments not a single person has given a reason or any form of constructive criticism I'm sorry bro thats bullshit I hate when people do that.
So in response I shalt read your story and then give it a proper review!
edited chapter one
I have decided against writing onto this story, it's pretty complete so i'll just edit
took off sad, really doesn't fit it
2416796
hey going to delete our talk, takes up way too much space
just so you know, it was fun talking to ya
I REALLY enjoyed this story :D is the sequel out yet? If so what's the name?
2575220
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/95863/the-innocent-pony
this is the next one in the story line, but it has nothing to do with the mlp story line, while this is a complete story and I pretty much filled in the blanks with why Luna isn't in the show with this story, I jumped off the wagon with the other one and went into my own direction really
while rated mature, Its really more teen than anything, but one or two scenes were iffy so I made it mature so I don't get yelled at or anything
2575661thank you!!!!!
Shall you enthrall me with this chapter? Yes yes you shall. Date&time:07/29/13 2:09pm
Hi, intressting story, but I think that the whole way you are writing it is just so rushed.
It's like you want the information out and can't wait to share.
I feel like there are a lot of information and feelings that just slips through my fingers while I try to grasph them.
My suggestion:
Take your time to really explain why some of the things that happens happens.
And when you have an very powerful character try to make him grow into it or explain some difficulitis in using his powers. And about the life force thing, try to really describe why it's so much danger in using it, like how he can feel his soul slowly being eaten from within.
It's really good for a first time story
3154048
i wrote this story soooo long ago, i should probably rework it, but i'm too busy right now, and it was something of rushed, next to editing it needs whole revisions, so yeah, thanks
also as you can see it's the first of many of my stories :D
3154053
Well It surley shows potential for you, lets see if I can find something else here more recent to read
3154076
but i mostly write dark fiction so be warned, and most people that enjoy my area of writing really enjoy my stories, i hope you will as well
3154089
Oh noes, dark stuff! I can't handle that!
( All stories I've read so far has been dark or tradegy...)
3154107
then you'll be able to handle my stories just fine
Hmm... now who were tuose ponies or is it all in his head???
3631397
i don't know what your talking about
Hmm is't a filli Like a little girl or somfing. And a colt a little Boy? An was the head character a filli or a colt as little
6562462 idk it's been a very long time and i haven't edited this story
A solid story so far.
But I would replace the cover-soure with this one:
How does one serve as caption of the guard? Do they project words onto their body with unicorn magic?
First off, I didn't finish this story... sorry, but I just couldn't understand what was happening most of the time. I did make it to chapter 5 though.
Your first few chapters were not bad for the most part. But as it went on, it became more and more confusing to read. There were times when I couldn't tell who was talking or several times when, from one line to the other, there was a whole scene transition that had no warning.
A few tips for ya:
-Slow down. This is the biggest one. While you may have a great idea for a scene or interaction or whatever... the readers don't know what that is unless you write it all out. Things like having characters show expressions (scowl, shock, confusion, etc.), actions (picking up something, opening a door, levitating an object, etc.), or simply where they might be in relation to certain objects (near the door, by the bed, on the balcony, etc.).
-Plan it out. If you are telling a story, don't have it conflict with already established ideas. It was stated that the main character was killing himself every time he used his magic. It was also stated that Celestia had to extend his life on several occasions so he wouldn't die after using his magic. But then, throughout the story, the main character uses his magic constantly with seemingly no regards for his own life. Fixing a large column and essentially being a maid had no purpose in his actual job, but he was killing himself by just doing those things. Is he always draining his life whenever he uses magic? Or is it only when he taps into his own life force that it harms him? Is it an optional thing or does he have no control over draining his life with his magic? Be sure to clarify these things early on to avoid misunderstandings.
-Scene transitions and locations. Many times in the middle of various parts of the story it would jump between completely different characters and areas with no indication. When writing something out you need to show some form of transition or readers will get lost very fast. It never hurts to open a scene with "Back in Luna's bedchambers . . . ." or, "On the way to . . . ." or any other similar indication that a scene has changed. Also, don't just have a scene transition in the middle of an interaction. Have the interaction end or come to an obvious pause before the transition. Giving some visible form of a transition is often needed as well. Usually the line of ------'s before starting a new paragraph. I shall give a brief example:
".... and now that we have established that, I have something to show you." Luna stated with a playful smirk.
--------------------
Back in Luna's bedchambers, the pair arrived. Luna entered first and tuned with a flourish before excitedly saying,
"Behold! I have acquired the newest video game system that was released just today! It has all of the most innovative features and options. I also bought that 85inch flat screen television so I can play all of the latest games in ultra HD!"
The guard stood in stunned silence for a while before asking, "How did you manage to set all of that up in here without anypony noticing it?"
Luna just smiled in response.
Notice that example? You can tell where a scene break is as well as where the new scene is taking place. You are also able to tell who is talking and how they are feeling and reacting to various things. While this isn't the only way to go about depicting interactions and scene transitions, it is still fairly effective.
Another tip is don't feel the need to quickly get your idea out there. Don't feel like there is a deadline for getting your story completed... just work on it at your own pace. If it takes you a month or more then so be it. Just be happy with it whenever you do decide to upload it for everyone to read. Also, if you have an idea and are afraid you might forget it then simply roughly write the idea down. Don't bother making a story out of the idea right away because that almost never turns out good. Keep the idea, refine it, plan it out, and then write it.
Hope this helps in some way. :)
7014779 this story had basically no editing, which is why it was hard to read, i don't plan on fixing it for a long time
Nice Story 👍🏻 but sad that he had to die 😔
9811291
indeed