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Mega NewWays97
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Mega NewWays97
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I LOVE HELLSING ULTIMATE!! ESPECIALLY THE ABRIDGED SERIES
Do i need to know anyyhing abaut hellsing to read this?
this is going to be fun.
6029699 well just a basic, but Hellsing Abridge is a good place
6029699 or not I'll explain it later on
6029671 really?
6029727 yush
6029736 I'm hoping to use references to it and the Alterative personally is more Abridge then main Alexander
Oh God yes!
6029746 excellent, the abridged is the best in my opinion, and I've watched both original and abridged, to what it's at that is
Here we go!! Wait til someone as Alucard arrives!
woah this story is moving really fast.
6029798 its the start but I'll slow it down
6029764 hope it lives up to your expectations then
6029792 trust me I know someone who just may do it
6030052 lol xD
6030106 here the kicker its not me this time
This story seems interesting.
6029813
Good luck. Hope you do better than me.
6030451 I hope so
6029792
there already one there, you should seeif he can do a crossover with them
6030725 I don't believe its actually Displaced
6030869 yeah kinda no, sorry but if you talking about what I think you are all anthro displaced stories are gone. Seeing as most are anthro.
6030052 it shouldn't be hard
I wanna see how Anderson guts the vile heretical princesses.
i love this
6031448
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/583/968/208.png
6031300
my story and alcords aren't anthro
"i've never actually seen a leprachaun before, but do you think if i shoot it lucky charms will spill out?"
You know Sh*t's going to go down once people hear that phrase
6032002 I like it.
Man, sorry, but you're in dire need of a proofreader. Yes, I cannot do it.
The story looks promising, through. Does Alex have an archenemy in Equestria not counting that annoying voice in his head? BTW who was that? Hope it's not Discord - that is too often used, I vote for something more original.
And this looks like a teaser for a movie. A lot of pieces. Gives a view, but lacks some logic in ordering.
6033198 Abridge Alexander, and yes actually
>Well you know what it is time?
"Well, you know what time it is." if this is a reference.
If you wanted a question, then "Well, do you know what time is it?".
Thanks, other chapter. I guess solution Shining is going to offer is to make Alexander to teach somepony? Or make a new Guard branch and convince him to give a few lessons? "Only one" kinda refers to it.
Trixie shows up a deal of time after Luna's return, right? A time skip. And when the Guard meeting was then? No reference given.
She is too wimpy to be Alex's apprentice. But if she is playing a big part in future story, what it is? She's not the first mare fainting he could met for his millenia.
Also, not shown how Luna reacts. Or maybe she doesn't play a big role? Don't think so, as Celestia sure does.
6033237
Or "Well you know what it is time for?" would also work I think.
Another great chapter.
Will Trixie become Alexander's student?
6033381 shining going to do something, but he doesn't trust Alexander, as for Trixie...
that's for me to know and you to find out
6033406 perhaps
6032940 i.imgur.com/tGpH5PZ.jpg?1
6033903 hahaha PURE GOLD!!!
(I'm actually adding this line after finishing my review of the first chapter. Please don't delete this comment, since I did give this story as unbiased a chance as I could, even if it did lead to a rather long comment. The least you could do is not let me have wasted all this time making this comment just to see it gone five seconds after posting it.)
I'm still going to give this some constructive criticism, and to do so I'm going to just pretend you didn't delete my comment. Well, I decided to read it anyway. Hellsing crossovers are practically non-existent, and while this isn't what I had in mind, I'm willing to try just about anything about now.
Before I start, let me first say that I'm going to try to stay as unbiased as possible with my criticism. I'm not holding back, but I'm also going to be fair (despite me having less than good experiences with previous displaced fics). Anyway, starting at chapter 1.
I'm going to be blunt here. Get an editor. There are plenty of groups on this site with people willing to edit stories, and if you for whatever reason can't find the time to look over the story for writing errors, then the least you could do is ask for some help (and there is absolutely no shame at all in wanting help with editing). Why was I blunt? Pretty much anyone will tell you that the number one rule of writing is that a first impression can make or break your story depending on if it is good or bad. A good impression will make the reader want to continue, while a bad one will make them drop it faster than a hot potato. This story? Well, literally the first line is full of errors and stilted dialogue. "Its" should be "It's" (a good way to know whether to put "its" or "it's is to say it out loud. In this case, would you use possessive "its" or the contraction "it is finished"?), you should have a comma after "finished" instead of a period since the sentence had not ended by that point (if you are including something like "I said" then you would say "'. . . finished,' I said"), there are (I'm guessing) several words missing between "with a" and "anime con", and finally you generally don't want to immediately start a story with a stilted exposition dump.
Sorry, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to be blunt here again.
With the number of errors present in the first line by itself, I have to say that my first impression of this story was, well, bad. As in, if I wasn't specifically giving this story a chance, I would have normally considered pressing the back button right then. Does that help you understand how important first impressions can be? This story could be the best written story ever, but if the very start does not leave a good impression and makes the reader back out of the story, then it wouldn't matter because the reader would never even make it to the good parts.
Anyway, moving on.
What? What does that even mean? Where the heck did that even come from? What? I don't even know what to put here since I literally can't see where the sudden ropes or pedophile thing came from. Why is he mentioning the media's view of catholic priests (even more important, why does it sound like he actually believes the ridiculous notion that the media or public actually think all catholic priests are like that)? Why did he need ropes for an Alexander Anderson costume? I don't remember him ever using ropes with his attacks. There were times he used fuses attached to the explosive bayonets, but that's not even remotely similar to ropes, so why ropes?
I'm just moving on from that. Maybe you can clarify what you meant in your reply to my comment. Because I'm honestly confused.
This is a problem I've noticed coming up several times already. The pacing is very rushed, and there's a lot of telling instead of showing going on. The pacing issue is from how disjointed this is. Literally right before this line he was just talking about the con coming up, meaning he wasn't there and it hadn't even started. Immediately after that he's at the con, without a single sentence being used as a transition, making it read as though he was already there from the start. The telling instead of showing is that nothing is being shown to the reader. The story just tells us everything going on. We're told the con was a sight to see as if the story just expects us to accept that detail, but we aren't shown anything that would justify that statement; there are no descriptions of how the main character feels seeing, uh, whatever it is he's seeing. There are no emotions or really anything to show us how the con was a sight to see, and we're simply told it was instead. That's why it's important to show instead of tell in a story, because otherwise the reader can't connect to anything happening.
As an aside, saying a lot of anime fans were there is a bit redundant considering we already know that it is an anime con.
And here is where the story just loses me. We're just jumping straight to a thousand years ago, and I'm already guessing he's going to end up turned to stone before getting free with Discord (probably with witty banter about being bored, possibly from the princesses being OOC again).
I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but this is just another way lack of description is hurting the story. Why did it have to spell out it was a thousand years ago before even showing us him in Equestria? This really feels like the story thinks the readers are complete idiots who can't determine basic details based on context. From an in-story perspective (since this is from his point of view, and this also counts as a pov error because he wouldn't know it was a thousand years in the past) there is no reason to mention the 1000 in the past thing, since it holds no meaning to him. The readers would eventually realize everything we needed to know about it being in the past by seeing how it would be before Luna turned into NMM. We would realize it by looking at context clues. It feels really patronizing to have the story treat the reader as if we're too stupid to figure things out for ourselves.
Sorry, but I had to stop there. I read a little further on, but the grammar just had so many errors that I ended up having problems even figuring out what was being said. As a final note, I just want to say again that you should seriously consider finding someone to help proofread and help you with ideas, and then go back through both chapters and do some very heavy editing.
6034136 one I try to hit the reply but hit delete by mistake, yeah I need one though he wasn't imprison in stone he kinda lived though the time between then and present, also I know most displaced are oc so I decided to give mind the personally of Alexander in his head
6034170
Oh? He wasn't turned to stone? Well, I was definitely wrong in that case. Still, I can see this isn't the story for me. See, the biggest thing that bothers me about these displaced fics is that the characters always introduce themselves with the name of the character they're impersonating, and I just don't understand the reason behind doing that.
Take the Captain America one for example. It doesn't matter if he looked like Captain America and had the same powers. That does not make him the same character, because he had none of the experience the real character would have. I got the same feeling when the guy in this story introduced himself as being Alexander Anderson. He might look like him, he might have the same abilities, but he is not Alexander Anderson. The personalities don't look anywhere near the same, so there's no reason he would suddenly start using that name. And if he did end up having the personality and memories of Alexander Anderson overwrite his own, then why go through all the trouble of setting that up? Why not just have a crossover fic with Alexander Anderson ending up in Equestria somehow after the final battle (heck, as an easy excuse just say his soul came into contact with Schrodinger leading to quantum shenanigans tossing him into Equestria)?
Anyway, I'm just rambling at this point. Thanks for taking my comment into consideration (again, try typing proofreader into the search bar, as it should lead you to several groups), and I wish you luck with the rest of your story. If nothing else, at least most people seem to have no trouble with it.
Damn you Anderson! You deluded excuse for a Scot!
(No offence to you, author, but where I am in the OVA's hes really got my blood boiling.)
6034340 I was gonna say adventure, but that works too!
. . . . . . . . *track*
Okay, why does your grammar suck? Seriously, it's bad.
Well, looks like Shining got turned into some sort of abomination. After all, who is Anderson without Alucard.
I bet he even needs to drink blood just to don't fall apart.