• Member Since 26th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen Yesterday

Alchemystudent


Loves to read and write, I decided to try writing fanfiction after a long hiatus thanks to ponies

E

ITs hard to be a little sister with an overworked big sister. Sometimes she ignores you and you feel neglected and that she doesnt care at all. This is how Sweetie Belle feels right now, that her big sister treats her more like an object and not a pony. However, maybe a story from Applejack can change all that and show that, there are things that dont need words

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 26 )

I'm a sucker for sister bonding fics, though you are missing a certain set of sisters... ones of the Royal variety perhaps...

2398722

Shoot, you're right...I almost forgot Cadence and Luna:derpytongue2:


I kid, I have got to do something with Tia and Luna at one point

2398738
I know, Cadence and Twilight might be something to do as well. I hope you do, too many fics that have them at each other's throats (when it's not the Long Night) and not enough with them as sisters.

"did little to cure Sweeite Belle’s mood." sweetie*
“Treating me like I don't even extist" exist*
".I didnt want to slip up like I did,” didn't*
"‘maybe I wouldnt if you gave me more to do" wouldn't*
"she ran as fast as she could to where it wa and watched" was *
"Why is she screaming” question mark
“These doctors will be their best to make sure both of them are ok.” do their best is better in this situation
"the doc had come in with the new that your mama " news*
“She is such a Sweeite.” again sweetie*
"Of a ever loving moon" an * but its a song so its okay
"I cherish her always.” I'll or I will

Sweet story

Diabeetus. That is all.

Really cute story.

That was just too cute. :yay:

“Oh, she was fine enough for us to hand her back to her mother,

Might that be 'hoof'?

This review brought to you by Authors Helping Authors!

Story: My Sweet Belle by Alchemystudent

Grammar score: 6.5/10. 2398885 already pointed out most of them. I'll also mention AJ referring to Sweetie Belle's "maw," as being an _interesting_ choice.

Pros: Nice characterizations. All three ponies seem very in character to the show
The lullaby was super cute and surprisingly deep
AJ's accent: except for the 'maw' thing, you managed to make her voice unique without making her unreadable. It's a tough needle to thread; you have my compliments.
Expert targeting of feels: I'm also a sucker for these things, but you do a great job with the emotions.

Cons: Some weird pronoun use in the first paragraph. Even though everything is done by Sweetie Belle, I had to read it twice to follow. A few 'white unicorns' or epithets would have helped.
Some formatting, punctuation and spelling error: more than would usually go uncommented on this site; definitely befriend a grammarian as soon as you can find one.
There were also a few places where your writing style came across as somewhat weak. (again, first couple of paragraphs; could use some more description of settings; and if the whole story is being told by AJ then it's okay to make her a more descriptive and literary pony than she would normally be)

Notes: On writing style:
There are two aspects here. The first is writing in a way that is engaging and interesting, which includes things like show vs. tell, symbolism, pacing of sentences, voice, etc. You don't make a lot of major style mistakes like overuse of passive voice or changing tenses, so I won't say your style is bad. I will say that to improve as a writer, you need to focus mostly on this stuff. You're good, but you could be better. And learning to make each sentence count is where I would suggest you focus on next.
(You do, however, seem to be suffering from the inverse of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome; which is based on bad advice in the first place. For more info, see here.)
The second aspect is writing in a way that I, the reader, know that Alchemystudent wrote this without seeing the the author credit. This is where you want to be at the end. This is the mountaintop to aim for.

Thank for your wonderful story, and I hope you like your review! Don't feel pressured to review my story Princess of the Night, as I already got a few, but a view and comment would be nice! (and I am now following you)

2398764 They are sisters-in-law, and have quite a bit of history to boot...

I tried to address that once, but need to go back and do it well next time.:fluttershysad:

2401971
What? Twilight and Cadence sisterly bonding or the Long Night?

2401987 Twi and Cadance

I'm not familiar with the Long Night (in pony context). Should I be?

2402031
Ah...
The Long Night is the term I use to indicate the time period in which Nightmare Moon ruled Equestria after ousting Celestia to when she is banished. It can be used interchangeably with the War of Eternal Night.

2402049 I see. Well that makes sense then, I just haven't heard the term used much.

2402097
Neither have I which kind of why I made it up my self

Finally got around to reading this one. :twilightsmile: This was a very adorable little "Slice of Life" fic. I love sister-bonding stories, and this was no exception! However, I do want to offer constructive critique here. While this is a good story, it definitely needs an editor--there are a lot of grammar/punctuation/formatting mistakes that can be cleaned up. The content, however, is lovely, and I especially enjoyed Rarity's lullaby.

Keeping in my favs nonetheless. :moustache:

2526358

Thank you so much for the comment. YEah, I could've used an editor, been seeing that more and more that I work better when I have someone to hold in my mistakes.

:fluttercry: Damn. I have something in my eye... Great story, pretty sweet.

D'aw, so sweet... :twilightsmile: This story should be made canon.

Great job. :pinkiesmile:

2530397

Thank you, I try

2555858

It should and I want it to be...but DHX wont return my calls

Another story you made me have liquid pride on :raritydespair: I'm not crying, I'm not crying! Okay I am! It's just to sweet!! :raritycry:

This has been approved for the Sibling Story Stockpile.

This has officially been approved by 'Family Bonds'

Ain't that a cute little fic? :rainbowkiss:

2398722
Perhaps you'll like my 'We're Sisters!!!!' story. It is a sister story too.

Login or register to comment