"Oh dear. This is a problem. I don't have a horn, only wings." said Twilight, touching her forehead. Derpy, her mane being slightly sizzled because of the magic, touched her forehead, trying to copy what Twilight had done. She discovered a hard, stiff bump on her head, and in surprise, wrapped her arms around her body to discover two feathery wings on either side!
"I'm a princess?" thought Derpy aloud, stretching her large wings to the fullest.
"I'm afraid you're an Alicorn." said Twilight sadly.
"Really?! That's super great!" Derpy yelled, jumping off the ground and towards the castle.
What would Celestia say when she sees Derpy in the castle?
Picture credit given to Celebi-Yoshi on Deviantart.
Chapters (1)
Well, the most important thing you should do right now would be to separate every instance of a new speaker in a different paragraph:
Should be:
At the very least.
Just like that, but like, everywhere. This would greatly improve readability, and, to a lesser extent, the overall flow of the story. The way it is now is a little hard to follow.
I still gave you a like because Derrrrrpyyyyy! (That and your grammar is actually above average 'round these parts.)
I likey.
I'm very interested in seeing where this goes.
2374981 Okay, thanks. Gonna edit now.
There are a few spots where words are missing, like "I suggest that you Derpy Hooves costume", you should fix that.
The pacing is far too rushed. Slow it down, describe the scenes better, draw things out. Right now it all seems like you're trying to finish the story as quick as possible.
Ponies are entirely out of character. Twilight would not just accept the loss of her horn and princesshood with weary resignation, she'd freak out. Probably try to find some way to fix it. Carrot Top is unlikely to be so oblivious as to decide she's been mistaken about Twilight's race, given that Twilight is one of the town's most prominent citizens. And I find it a bit unlikely that the princesses would casually mistake Derpy for Twilight in a Derpy costume, cute as the idea would seem. Derpy flying off marvelling about her new self without seeing anything wrong is fairly in character, though.
Are you going to write more for this?
3509308 Hopefully I will.
I'm currently working on Sunset Shimmer is Back so after I've finished that I will get back to work on this.
3510032
Yay. Derpy ftw.