After rebuilding Canterlot High with Snips and Snails, she decides to take a break from studying and portals back to Equestria. Little does she know that she will be in for quite an adventure when the Portal closes, and has to wait for another thirty moons to go back!
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Err, seriously? The basic premise sounded of her returning sounded okay (even if that vacation bit sounded suspicious), but this story needs work.
Why exactly did Sunset Shimmer return to Equestria? I don't see a particular reason. Is she really looking to take a vacation, or just trying to avoid being humiliated regularly? Also, what relation do you have in mind between Equestria and this other universe and how much knowledge does each world have of the other? Why on earth would Sunset Shimmer purposefully break things? It seems like her chief crime was stealing the crown, but also wanting to be a Princess without earning it (at least beyond the sense of magical schooling). Twilight's done worse things to whole towns by accident (see 'town consumed by parasprites', 'discord allowed to take over', and 'want it, need it') and yet everyone hates Sunset Shimmer.
As Cadence is a Princess she would talk in a slight more refined manner. Why are there cars in Equestria/Crystal Empire?
I can get Rarity refusing to do work for someone she detests, but this seems out of character with her supposed generousity. Charging someone double your normal price is ridiculous. I would say that Rarity out of character here. Besides, even assuming she'd be that mean Rarity wouldn't produce crap. It might be shiny, gem studded pair of saddlebags but it'd be functional, durable, and at least moderately stylish. What's with the super expensive apple pies?
As Cadence is a Princess she would talk in a slight more refined manner. Why are there cars in Equestria/Crystal Empire? I'm also a little confused, I though Sunset Shimmer was a pony, so who's her mother? Is home the other world? If so, why would she have ever been in Equestria. I'm having difficulty seeing how this lines up with canon.
Admittedly Sunset's character as far as show canon seems a bit thin, but that means that there is all the more reason to make her more than a flat one sided stuck up pony/human with too much ambition and power to back it up.
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Generally when you need to put a number in writing, you should spell it out. For example:
should be written this way:
Further it's probably okay, but unnecessary to capitalize the word "bits". The Equestrian Bit as a unit of currency would be capitalized because it is a proper noun, but an individual bit is just one thing. As an ordinary noun it doesn't need to be capitalized.
I don't think Sunset Shimmer would really think of herself as a human, or that since EQG that her magic would have deteriorated, it might take her a few moments to "remember" to use her magic instead of her now non-existent hands . As to clothes, well she wouldn't really need them, even in Canterlot she wouldn't have needed them. For the ponies clothes are treated more as a accessory than a requirement, Cadance's parents killed in a car crash? Sounds more like what would have happened to the Human Cadance's parents. In the Crystal Heart Spell book it's mention Cadance's real origins are unknown and she had earth pony adopted parents, the explanation that they died of old age seems reasonable. I think you should have spent time explaining to the reader the real reason Sunset Shimmer returned, as her miscalculating the portal cycle so badly that it closed right after she came in when she thought she had a week seems unlikely.
Uhm,last i checked,her name was sunSHINE shimmer, not sunset shimmer...oh well,25% of us don't know that....
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Not sure where you're getting your information or if you're just messing with ponies, but it most certainly is Sunset Shimmer. Trust me. I've seen the movie five times and watched the ending more than a dozen times
I like the premise of the story, but I do agree with the other reviewers. There are many plot holes here in this story that need to be better explained. I can see this story working, but I feel some aspects to the story need to be altered a little bit. I'd be willing to beta for you if it's okay with you.