John Morrison, a cold hearted, sometimes quiet, smartflank who has been through many tough times in his life. Starting when he was twelve and in middle school. He had to choose two path's after his parent's deaths. He chose the path to protect and serve. On one mission however, the team's jeep got hit with an RPG. Everyone but John managed to get out of the jeep, with him being in the gunner seat, so he took most of the blast. When he awoke, he was in a strange land, and totally unharmed. With his pistol drawn, he sets out to find how he got into this strange land.
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Yes, Ik I'm currently working on an HiE fic, but I thought I'd give a shot at MiE...see if it was more my speed. Remember, always leave comments on what you think of the story =D..I'm also open to criticism. So talk and comment away. I also know I have the whole military thing weird, I just did it my way. XD
1) Miniguns are rarely found on jeeps, they are 50 caliber MGs, Miniguns are for Helios and the occasional tank.
2) Sniper is a very bad term for his position, try 'Reconnisance' or 'Long Rang Support'
3) An actual Americal Drill Seargent might just pulverize you if you were to sware at him
4) Applebloom knows it as a Manticore, Not a chimera
5) Why didn't he use his sword for the Manticore? It's much more close range than a Deagle
6) This is more Prologue and chapter one.
Excuse me if any of this is retarded, I am using my iPhone for this and it only gives you half a center meter of writing space, Knighty better fix that.
Overall thought: It's ok I guess, however a more detailed analysis will come in a couple of hours, it is 12:35 Am here and Yo quiero dormir.
(EDIT: That means; I want to sleep)
awsome story keep going
430317
Ok...first of all..with the whole sword thing. It was after the Chinera hut him across the field. It was running at him, so he pukle out his pistol as it was still out if range. So did I do better in this one? Or was my HiE better? I'm waiting for the major corrections coming from you...I put a lot of work into this to make it at least an entertaining story =D
430317
I speak Spanish as well you know XD...but you probably translated it for the non-Spanish speakers XD...no offense to anyone
Okay, ready for a mother load of a comment...
First off, the description.
The description is the first part of your story new readers are to read. To be frank, your description is pretty bad.
Time to pick it apart, red Italics show fixes:
John Morrison, a cold hearted, sometimes quiet, smartflank (Avoid pony related words if you are describing a human in the description. At first this made me believe that he is either a pony, or turns into one... and the plot contains neither.) who has been through many tough times in his life (You could either list them, or explain that there were too many times to remember. Avoid that non-descriptive phrase.). Starting when he was twelve and in middle school (You don't need to say just "In middle school", that is descriptive, yet not descriptive enough, What middle school did he attend? and if he was 12 it would be implied that he attended middle school at that age). He had to choose two path's after something happened(That, sir, is a useless phrase, it just makes new readers frustrated, you can explain that his parents die in the description because they were in the prologue). He chose the path to protect and serve (Out of?). He was put into a squad of 4, and as they were out on a mission, an RPG dashed over John's head, he looked up and noticed another one, coming right for the jeep he was in. "EVERYBODY BAIL!" He yelled before the jeep was hit. (The description is for describing, not the story...) Everyone but John managed to get out of the jeep, with him being in the gunner seat, so he took most of the blast. When he awoke, he was in a strange land, and totally unharmed. With his pistol drawn, he sets out to find how he got into this strange land, but as he was walking, he heard someone scream. (This is an OK sentence, you could end the description here, to entice mystery and anticipation, thus hooking the reader before they even start). His protective instincts kicked in, he ran towards the scream, only to notice something big chasing...something small. (How typical -_-) ("Parentheses in writing (however necessary) are not required." you don't need that bit of A/n there.)
Will John save this colorful creature? How will John deal with this strange land he mysteriously woke up in? What are it's main inhabitants? Are they hostile or friendly? (When will authors stop asking plot spoiling questions in the description? You don't need these, these just say that you ran out of ideas.) All will be answered in my VERY FIRST MiE (that's what it's called right?) fic "The Heart of a Soldier". Yes, Ik I'm currently working on an HiE fic, but I thought I'd give a shot at MiE...see if it was more my speed. Remember, always leave comments on what you think of the story =D..I'm also open to criticism. So talk and comment away. I also know I have the whole military thing weird, I just did it my way. XD (Why is this connected? Split it from the main description was a horizontal ruler ([h r] without spaces), author's notes should never be in the main part of the description.)
HORIZONTAL RULER IN ACTION
Now the separation of the Prologue with the first chapter... (Yey...)
Okay, this would make an ideal prologue:
I'm John Morrison, or as many call me, Reaper. I'm your above average sniper. I kill without question. I always do what I'm told, but of course, that's how I was raised, to be a ruthless non-emotional killer. My dad was a drill sergeant, and my mom was a medic on a military base in Georgia. I was born on February 14, but theres no need to relese the year because that's classified. Most people laugh because I was born on Valentine's day, and how I'm in the military. However, I have grown to hate Valentine's day. It's all about love and happiness, but on Earth, it's never possilbe to achieve true happiness, even if there is a holiday based on it. My parents died when I was maybe 12 or so, I remember how it went word for word. It started out with the principle of the military school I was in calling me up to the office.
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"John Morrison, please come to the office." The speaker announced in the lunchroom, and then went silent. I got up from my lunch table, and as I'm leaving everyone makes the usual "Ohhhhh" sounds because they think I did something. I left the lunchroom and walked down the hallways, noticing the usual military colors splattered along the walls and lockers. Every now and then I'd walk by a teacher and nod, and they would nod back. Once I got up to the door that lead to the principles office, I noticed two other shadows in the room with him. I just shrugged it off and walked in.
"Ah, there you are John, we have some...news about your parents." It scared me there for a minute when the principle paused between those words. I got even more scared when one of the two soldiers in his office pulled out an envelope and handed it towards me. I saw that it was sealed with some weird red colored stuff, but I didn't pay any attention to it. I pulled the letter out, and with it, I saw a silver locket that my mother wore around her neck. I wondered why that was in there. I never saw her take it off, ever, so that means...oh no. I quickly opened the letter and read:
Dear John Morrison,
We are sorry to say that you parents have died in an attack on thier base in Afghanistan. The whole place was burned to the ground before it ended. Your father and mother got trapped inside a burning building, and were burned alive. We found them huddled together, hugging each other, holding something in their hands. Inbetween their hands was this locket-
I stopped reading and opened the locket. I saw the picture of us the day before my parents left for Afghanistan. My mom had her usual military uniform on, in the upper left corner of the uniform, you could see a white box with a red cross inside. My dad was in his best uniform, an Army green suit that had all these weird gold strings hanging off of it. I also noticed all the medals attached to the left side of the uniform. There wasn't much, but enough to notice. Then there was me, I was sad because my parents were leaving. They ensured me everything would be ok, and this was the last picture I ever took with my parents. I was trying process what happened to my parents, but it didn't click. I just went back to reading.
We are terribly sorry for your loss, we mourn for your parents, just like everyone else who died that day. Once again, we hope you live on in a happy, peaceful life.
The U.S Army and Staff
Then it hit me. My parent's, the ones who raised me, the ones who loved me...are gone. I hardly have any friends, so right now. I might as well say it's just me..alone..up against the world. I looked back up, tears in my eyes, and the principle spoke again.
"I'm sorry John, but you must decide on two things here and now." The principle said with a stern look on his face.I stopped myself from crying, there were tears yes, but no full sobbing. I may only be 12, but I know how to control my emotions. "W-What are my two choices." I asked, regretting it.
"One, you can enter the military after you turn 15. Usually we wait untill your 18 or older. But due to your militarized background, we suspect great things from you in the military. That's why we want to give you a head start. However, that means school will have to be rushed. You will graduate two years before any of your fiends do. The second choice is not to join. You can go on, living your normal life, hanging out with your friends, having fun. While other people are off dying in other countries to keep you safe. Now, which one do you want." I was getting ready to say the second, but I stopped before I said anything. I thought for a minute. 'Do I really want people to wase their lives for me? Am I really that important. No, I am just anothr human being. I want to do something with my life, I want to help people, I wan to save people. I want to protect people.' I knew my decision, I was going to join the army.
And end it there, it seems legit. I WILL NOT pick this apart as I did the description. However, I think I could just... re-write... it...
HOWEVER BEFORE I DO!
Some points:
1) Ok fine is position is called Sniper, HOWEVER, snipers can not do their job alone, they always have a partner called a Spotter. Spotters give range, wind speed, distance, and moral support for his Sniper buddy. Who is Reaper's spotter?
2) Chimera: (in Greek mythology) a fire-breathing female monster with three heads lion's head, a goat's head, and a Dragon's head, also it has a serpent as it's tail.
(When searching "chimera" in google:)
scaryforkids.com/pics/chimera.jpg
Manticore: A mythical beast typically depicted as having the body and head of a lion, bat like wings, and the sting of a scorpion.
(When searching "manticore" in google images:)
s3.amazonaws.com/data.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyae6yRbNw1ql8nzuo1_1280.jpg?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAI6WLSGT7Y3ET7ADQ&Expires=1334100311&Signature=O1swCWzd2uKBQ%2BInVi%2FAOAaGKS8%3D
Hope I sorted that out... It is a Manticore, not a chimera.
3) "Oh thank god, my throat is dry as can be!" I layed on my stomach and stuck my face into the river, taking a gulp or two before pulling my head back up. Soldiers with a mind between their shoulders would NOT do this. They become completely undefended and are liable to be shot by the enemy. They would however use a bottle.
4)"Sephiroths sword" -> "Sephiroth's sword"
5)Sparky would be more a "nurse" as medic is generally the male term.
6)"Haha, not our fault *snicker* that you women always carry so *snicker* much stuff." He then resumed laughing. THAT IS SILLY! you don't need actions in speech, insead try: "AHAha, well it's not our fault that you women always carry so much stuff!" He choked out between snickers, then promptly resumed laughing. Though, I have a hard time believing that the squad of 4 would pick out the nurse for bringing too much stuff if it's to KEEP THEM ALIVE.
Meditate on this while I rewrite your prologue...
432444
I'll make sure to fix those...but thank's again for the criticism...I take it this one is better than my other story starting out? But the thing about the chimera. I looked it up, and I got the definition of it from wikipedia. It said it had a snake for a tail, a lioness's body, a goat coming out from it's back, and a normal male lion's head. I went by this description...btw..cool pics bro XD...and rlly...thanks for the help. your criticism really helped me last time.
WHY WON'T YOU PEOPLE LET ME SLEEP!
it's 7am and I haven't even slept yet....
432654
ok...what?
432658 I may or may not have spent the past 5 hours reading pony stories about humans in equestria, and kept telling myself that "this is the last one, then off to sleep"
and out of the 15 ones that I found today, you're one is the second best!
432675
Ha...sounds like me when I first got on the site. And thanks for the compliment. Since I'm working on two stories, it may take me a while to get the chapters out (My first one isn't near as good as this one if you ask me...first chapter wise anyways). But I'm glad you liked it
best story i have read so far. plz keep going
Issue I have is with the whole 'team sniper' thing. He's a sharpshooter, snipers go through an entirely seperate training process. The other thing that didn't really sit right with me is the whole 'pressure a 12 year old kid to join the military the day his parents die' thing. Otherwise it's quite well written and i'm interested in reading more
439288
Like I said...I know absolutely nothing about the whole military thing. I just winged it. I know I shouldve done at least SOME research on it, but my mind wouldn't let go of this story until I at least wrote one chapter. But I'm glad you like the story, and thank you for stating your opinion
First and great chapter
Favorited and tracking
486740
Did you seriously read it that fast?...Wow...and I thought I was a fast reader XD
486751 it comes from ignoring class and reading books/fanfic all day lol
486770
Oh, I do the exact same thing XD...so I'm pretty sure I'll reach that level eventually lol
ay boy another good chapter
keep it up
486780 eventually you will grasshoppa
also thanks for introducing me to Pendulum
their songs are awesome
486817
Ok...two really good songs by Pendulum..1. Blood Sugar, and 2. Slam...(Music video is an insanely fat guy street dancing...hilarious)
k thanks
i really do love humans in equestria storys and this one is one of my favorites keep it up
This is turning out to be a good story! Some of the dialogue was a little on the awkward side; but your improving pretty quickly chapter to chapter. Keep up the good work man!
dude, best song ever! people in class are giving me weird looks because im dancing in my seat because this music is so epic
495287
Wait...you got this song from me and then did that...or did you already know about it..still...the playing out loud sounds like something I'd do..the dancing however, not so much.
there is a continuity problem. when john woke up, you said his arms and legs were bound with rope. yet after twilight places him back on the couch, he can suddenly walk and give hand (hoof) shakes; there is no mention of the ropes being taken off. on an unrelated note, i thought ivory was a creamy-white color, not purple. but i could be wrong on that one
502009
I'll be sure to fix that. My bad
EDIT: There, fixed it the only way I could think of (Without doing major changes)....I hope it works (If major changes are needed, I will change then once I get home from school).
Moar!
First, and I laughed loudly at the Dick part!
I agree
Moar!
I really liked this chapter as a whole, but there are some things that aren't quite right. For one example, Fluttershy is very shy, but she doesn't exactly need to stutter at every sentence. Maybe every couple of sentences or a particular personal subject. Next, I'll agree, this chapter did seem a bit rushed compared to the others. Its not AS good as the other two, but it was still a good read. It helped introduce John to his new host at the moment. It showed Fluttershy that he really appreciates her help and just wants to return the favor. Next, there were a few grammatical errors, but nothing a quick edit wouldn't fix. and lastly you said the next chapter may be shorter than this one, I would think it would be a good idea not to make the word count too low. Any way its a good story so far and I'm really looking forward to the next chapter.
516288
Yea, I thought the stuttering thing was kind of weird too. I may go back and fix that and make it more appropriate. Also, I won't let the word count go below 2000, I make sure that each chapter is AT LEAST that long (I usually try for 4000-5000 words so yea, this one was a bit short as well). I think the grammatical errors involve semi-colons..I never did get where those things go? It's so confusing...so I just use commas XD. Still, I'm glad you like the story, so I'll try to get better at it throughout the chapters.
I WANT MOAR!!
Fallout?
holy shit whats next?
Halo?
540745>>540788>>540808
...It's a secret
I will give you this though....it is a game XD
540826 HALO!!!
540832
Meh, wait and see. However, don't be disappointed if it isn't...who knows though...I've been known to do crazy things.
Fine then... maybe BioShock?
540860
Not saying, just going to have to wait...but I think I'll start on it now anyways...I have to let TF2 finish downloading
540864... you dont have it planned yet, do you?
540871
Oh, I do...trust me...I have the next few chapters planned, but I'm not releasing any information about them...as of right now it's classified XD
540893 You know what... now this is going to be bugging me until the next chapter! ...
540904
I'm working on it right now XD..don't worry..it should be up either Sunday or sometime early next week
Fallout was my first guess too.
I frickin' love Fallout
560378
I know anything and everything about both Fallout 3 and Fallout: NV
I've spent over 100 hours on both (On one character, others range from 9-50 hours, and I usually have around 15 of those)
I've also got the perfect ending in Fallout: NV...I got the Brotherhood, NCR, Enclave Remnants, and I think all the other good forces combined to take on Hoover Dam XD...So yea, I know my way around Fallout a little XD
Damn... I was hoping for Halo... They have cooler weapons...