Pupa, daughter of Queen Chrysalis of the Changelings, only wants to make her mother happy. And when her mommy's special crown goes missing, Pupa decides to go on the case! Yes, dark corners...dark secrets...in a dark, dark kingdom home to the Equestrian race known as the Changelings, one little foal is still looking for the answers to Life's big questions. And they call her...PUPA NOIRE.
Pupa's character was created by my friend MagicMan001, who's letting me use her for this story.
Chapters (1)
That was adorable.
Also: Dear Lord I hope Pupa isn't Shining Armor's. I doubt his sanity could take the hit.
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Aw, thank you! :D
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This almost made me think that Pupa became cannon.
I really should begin to read the full description before making thoughts about the story...
Will read in light of garrison keillor reference!
2204264 So what did you think? Do you think it was a good story? Did ngrey do my character justice?
I personally liked it very much, but I of course always wonder what others think.
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Well, it's a much brighter approach on her character than yours, of course. Although it was hard to follow sometimes, the softheartedness of her shimmered through here and there. The fact that she has just good intentions, ending up with being punished gave me the mayor connection to your story. Apart from that it was interesting to see Pupa not being the shy and affected child, but being rather determined and live-active in her actions. It looked more like a twin of Pupa than actually her for the most of the time. Then again, comedy isn't my favorite tag.
@Author
Please, consider to take down the massive amount of bolds, caps and underlined words. It made it much harder to understand the first 1/3 than it had to be. 95% of those were simply not needed, and I think you would do good in trusting your words to speak for themselves, despite it's random/comedy.
...What leads me to another point. The random-tag is something, that is often used to warn the readers about an underdeveloped plot. I did that too. However, you shouldn't lose the tracks of your characters. It was hard at some points to follow what's going on at all. Once, I am told that Pupa hardly can speak, and then suddenly she goes off to return the stolen crown of her mother all on her own, what soaks her into a world of murders and thieves. In your blog I saw you talking about how including adult topics wouldn't make the story more adult. I think you're facing your own problem here. It just didn't fit into the lighthearted scenario.
Also, for a reader who haven't read MagicMan's story, the whole staff and Queen Chrystalis herself were hard to grasp at some points. I often caught myself thinking "that's like that because she's just herself now." Without that knowledge, this is just as the tags say, a random happening.
Last but not least, the way you're introducing new scenes is a bit awkward. An ellipsis tells us about a pause in speech, and it's surely tempting to combine multiple to a long break that indicates the switch to another scene. It's just that this method needs a lot of space, space that doesn't contain any information and therefore breaks the flow of eye-movement as well as the flow of storytelling. While the second is intended, the first one makes the whole thing harder to be followed in a smooth way. A line of dashes or something that doesn't occupy more than, let's say five lines, gets the second thing done just as well, without trolling the eyes of the readers.
TL;DR: Try to keep everything connected despite the random-tag, use smoother punctuation and don't rely on what's already known about the characters too much, and you'll do great in further writing.
Carpe noctem,
--Chaodiurn
I noticed a comment mentioning this is apparently part of another universe which may to a long way to explaining but since there was no mention of this no points for griffindor
My biggest issue was the random Japanese inserted, Why does she use the formal suffixes but seemingly almost noone else does? I admit I'm not fluent in Japanese but I was under the impression that the suffixes went both ways and honestly I think the story would've felt kinda clunky even if you had used them. It felt very off that nothing else of the culture is really referenced except for the soda and then a few businesses towards the end.
As well "stigmata-esque holes"? That one fet really out of left field as Stimata holes are typically one hole on each wrist and ankle joint. Changelings have multiple and look more akin to a drill attack or swiss cheese unless the idea was to suggest she only have one large hole on each leg.
Cute story over all and I could see it having a shot on EQD if it gets some more polishing
2223878 Hello. The characters and this story is a comedic off shoot of my story, Maternal Instinct I hope you may give it a look at if you have the time.
Cute fic, but it needs a lot more work on clarity, another poster summed it up pretty well.
I liked this story but then again, I liked it when i first saw it, on Adventure Time.
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Naturally!
Forget it Pupa, it's Changelingtown.
You know all this story could use is cover art shame you finished
Add some cute lil covert art and that will seal the deal on this fanfic!