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Magic Man

Joined December 2011
189 followers

Groups

Stories (6)

  • Citizen Weevil
    A changeling immigrant, Weevil, and his family, try their best to live their lives in the savage urban jungle of Manehattan.

    29,094 words · 6,237 views · 151 likes · 1 dislikes
  • Maternal Instinct

    86,608 words · 8,416 views · 523 likes · 19 dislikes
  • Adored
    "Weevil," Chrysalis asked her adviser slowly. "Why am I not loved?"
    9,749 words · 3,575 views · 122 likes · 7 dislikes
  • Pupa-chan
    A glimpse into the meager life of Chrysalis' only child.
    4,258 words · 2,363 views · 102 likes · 6 dislikes
  • Ponyville: The Next Generations
    44,652 words · 1,463 views · 14 likes · 7 dislikes
  • Overreacting - an MLP Derpy/Ditzy Hooves Fic.
    1,001 words · 730 views · 15 likes · 15 dislikes

Blog Posts (41)

Source

Queen Chrysalis has only one grub that has survived into fillyhood; her daughter, the physically lame and mentally impaired Crown Princess Pupa. Chrysalis has never been what many would call the 'maternal type', even towards Pupa, whose adoration of her mother has no bounds. Preferring to swamp herself in the dire affairs of state, Chrysalis lets her crippled daughter be raised by her affectionate nanny.

But one day, as the Changeling Kingdom's problems reach boiling point, the Queen's already short temper erupts and she must deal with the heartbreaking consequences...

Edited and pre-read by Chaodiurn

Pre-read by Scarheart

First Published
29th Nov 2012
Last Modified
4th Sep 2014

Comments ( 430 )

#1 · Chapter 1 · 94w, 5d ago · · ·

I hope you all enjoy this story. 'Pupa-chan' was my first attempt as portraying Chrysalis as maternal, so this is my more in-depth shot at it.

Also, in case you're wondering, the Chrysalis Pupa saw in the first part of the chapter was indeed a figment of her dreams. It kind of serves as to show Pupa likes to envision her mother in contrast to how the latter is in reality.

#2 · Chapter 1 · 94w, 5d ago · · ·

This is so going on my read later list!  Of all the Chrysalis fics I've seen pop up, this one really sounds interesting! :twilightsmile:  Come on weekend! :pinkiehappy:

#3 · Chapter 1 · 94w, 5d ago · · ·

Pretty good, interesting concept. just a few corrections.

"but it was a sacred rule that a no changeling would never feed off their own kind,"

"It was only when boredom set in and Pupa’s other bad habits at the table resurfaced that her family’s patience was tested"

Other than that, the only thing i would change would be the use of the world "filly" (and other pony-only terms) when referring to Pupa, mainly because she's not a pony and there should be a term to refer to young changeling (broodling? nymph?idk:applejackunsure:). Then again, i tend to nitpick so it probably works fine:twilightsheepish:

Overall,

I will be tracking your story and see how your story progresses from here. I look forward to your next chapter.

#4 · Chapter 1 · 94w, 5d ago · · ·

Pupa-the Derpy of the Changelings.

#5 · Chapter 1 · 94w, 5d ago · · ·

cute will fav and thumb it

#6 · Chapter 1 · 94w, 5d ago · · ·

Nice, I really enjoyed reading this, keep it up.:twilightsmile:

#7 · Chapter 1 · 94w, 5d ago · · ·

I'm looking forward to the next chapter in this artwork my friend.

#8 · Chapter 1 · 94w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1707206  Now I have to read this :derpyderp1:

#9 · Chapter 1 · 94w, 5d ago · · ·

That was fucking brilliant. It's the best serious fic I've read this month.

#10 · Chapter 1 · 94w, 4d ago · · ·

Aww...poor Pupa.

#11 · Chapter 1 · 94w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1707043 Well, thank you. It's nice to hear you think I'm breathing a bit of new life into this character category. I personally find some Chrysalis fics a bit repetitive (however good the story itself is) where she's victimized, sometimes to the point Celestia is demonized or in a position where she's in no control (i.e. injured, captured, etc). Hopefully, this will bring something at least somewhat fresh to the table.

>>1707200 I've modified those errors. As for calling Pupa a filly, well, here's my view on it. Whilst the Changelings do share a lot of characteristics to insects, a lot of people do seem to forget they also have a lot of equine in them, if not just a bit. They are still horse-like and likely genetic cousins to the ponies, so I don't think a few pony terms are too out of line. I think it really comes down to how you personally view the Changelings.

>>1707206 I...never thought of it like that. But now that I do, I see where you're coming from. Huh.

>>1708193 Much obliged.

>>1709027 Don't worry, I will.

>>1709031 Thanks. I will try not to disappoint.

>>1709888 That's good to hear. And hopefully the rest of the fanfiction will be a good read for you.

>>1713478 She's just the Changeling you REALLY wanna give a great, big hug, not the Changeling soldier in almost every Changeling fic there is who's injured, and then he lands in Ponyville, and then he's taken in, and he JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED, and Blah Blah Blah Blah, you know the genre.

#12 · Chapter 1 · 94w, 3d ago · · ·

This story is so, well, nice? I can't explain it, it's giving me feels, but good feels.

Also that bit where the ponies are getting eaten, that added a bit of morbid to the story, which somehow worked well when it mixed with the sweet (can't think of a better word than sweet) nature of the story

#13 · Chapter 1 · 94w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1721404 Thank you. In a way, I guess I'm overlapping the overall sweetness of the story due to it being partially from Pupa's perspective with the morbid reality of some aspects of their society.

#14 · Chapter 1 · 94w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1722397

Over all it's an amazing story, so keep going! :pinkiehappy:

#15 · Chapter 1 · 94w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1722411 Don't worry, I shall. Perhaps you can help me out by getting the word out to friends of yours who may be thirsty for a good story?

#16 · Chapter 1 · 94w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1716555

Well, I'm glad I finally had a chance to read that!  You certainly have my attention!  I enjoyed every word, and I eagerly await more!  I'm definitely following this story.  And I hope you use your blog to notify your readers about story updates!  :twilightsmile:  BTW, I love how you described the changeling kingdom.  It had a very believable feel, and not the typical cliche underground feel to it, and I liked how you added Asian elements to their culture, a very interesting concept.  Plus I got some pretty sweet mental images of picturing Pupa, Chrysalis and Cerci in their kimonos - cute beautiful and elegant! :raritywink:  

Now, I do have one question.  You mentioned their breakfast table having bound and gagged live ponies.  Now was Chrysalis preparing to eat the pony, of simply sink her fangs into her neck and I'm not sure, drain her blood of perhaps her love.  I wasn't quite sure how they were intended to be devoured.  Maybe I'm over-thinking it. :twilightsheepish:

Keep up the good work! :yay:

#17 · Chapter 1 · 94w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1722534 Thank you very much. I have yet to use my blog, but I may just do so.

Ah yes, I've based their culture primarily off that of Imperial Japan and other oriental culture, whilst the ponies of Equestria are more western.

Well, that's kind of a way I imagine them draining the love from the ponies, through a traditional vampire-like manner. Though she probably will physically eat the rest of them. I don't see her as wasteful when it comes to eating.

Again, thanks and Chapter Two is well underway.

#18 · Chapter 1 · 94w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1722608

Thanks for clearing that up.  That's sort of how I took it, but I just wanted to make sure I had the right idea about their pony dining. :twilightsmile:  That's great about chapter two!  Oh and I mentioned the use of your blog, because that's what I do to keep my fans and readers alerted to my story updates.  Even though there is an "Latest Updates" section on this site, there is no notification sent to your followers, when a new chapter is added.

#19 · Chapter 1 · 94w, 23h ago · 2 · ·

To be honest I really don't go much for Changeling centric stories, since most seem to be over apologetic about the invasion, demonize the ponies and Celestia, genocide, or have the Changelings crubstomp Equestria and kill Celestia. I read this since it popped up in my Protect Celestia group... right now I look forward to seeing how it will go and why it was added.

And to see how you build their civilization without falling into the cliches and memes.

#20 · Chapter 1 · 93w, 6d ago · · ·

MOAR!!!:flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage:

#21 · Chapter 1 · 93w, 5d ago · · ·

Oooh, interesting.:moustache:  I'll most definitely take a look at it.  Putting it on my watch list, for I've other fics that have waited patiently for my attention.

#22 · Chapter 1 · 93w, 3d ago · · ·

Nice story, just feels weird though with the changelings being all...Chinese. just...weird.:applejackunsure::applejackconfused:

#23 · Chapter 1 · 93w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1761671

Japanese :facehoof: it's based on Japanese society.

#24 · Chapter 1 · 93w, 23h ago · 1 · ·

>>1735605 Well, my friend, I think you and I are going to get along fine, because I too cannot STAND those kind of changeling stories. I wouldn't mind so much if not for how they tend to be pretty much ALL changeling stories and are the most recognized. I really like Celestia too, so I hate it how she's turned into a genocidal monster, even though I respect the right of others to write their stories how they wish. Celestia will play a role in the future of this story, along with Luna, show her as the loving, caring and wise figure we know her as, even when it comes to changelings. As for Changeling civilization, I am doing my best to avoid all the cliches such as a hive or hive-mind, and will instead base their culture mostly of East Asia, specifically Japan.

>>1747203 Ah, my friend, I am glad my first chapter has left you wanting more, but like all good things, it takes some time. It's like a meal; you can have a quickly served, though not as high quality and bland McDonald's, or if you're willing to wait a little while, have a longer to prepare but delicious five star, three course meal. I've just posted the next chapter, and I'm sure it'll be worth the wait.

>>1748693 Much obliged.

>>1761671 Japanese, my friend, as MLP-Lover stated, but thank you for taking interest.

>>1776455 Indeed. I'm basing it on East Asian culture, and it seems Japanese will be the predominant influence.

#25 · Chapter 2 · 93w, 23h ago · · ·

>>1778801

Well then I look forward to what you do. I am guilty for using the Hive mentality but then again beyond the origin of Chrysalis and some other things I've never given much thought to the Changelings. And with the Sisters, I have them seeing the Changelings as long lost cousins.

#26 · Chapter 2 · 93w, 23h ago · · ·

Here is Chapter Two of Maternal Instinct, which is MUCH longer than the first. Whilst the previous was more focused on introducing Pupa, this chapter focuses more on Chrysalis and the problems she is dealing with, as well as a glimpse into how she raises her daughter. Enjoy.

Comment posted by DJ-jack deleted at 5:26am on the 11th of December, 2012
Comment posted by DJ-jack deleted at 5:26am on the 11th of December, 2012
#29 · Chapter 2 · 93w, 20h ago · · ·

>>1776455>>1778801

Sorry, i can hardly tell the difference between chinese and Japanese sometimes.

(I dont need anyone explaining it for me ok!?):ajbemused:

besides, i actually meant to say japanese but i typed chinese instead. i do that sometimes.:facehoof:

and for anyone whos gonna ask, this story doesn't seem right because the changelings are wearing kimonos. its weird because, well

they're CHANGELINGS! im not used to CHANGELINGS wearing kimonos.

Greaty story though:twilightsmile:, im just not used to kimonos.

#30 · Chapter 2 · 93w, 14h ago · · ·

>>1778801GAH!!!!   You and your English skills!!!  They're unbelievable!!!!!   Oh, and i'm a fifteen-year-old boy who plays sports, as long as it's food, I'm going to eat it:twilightblush:

#31 · Chapter 2 · 93w, 10h ago · · ·

Uhm, I think you need to have some of the sentences rebuilt. A few of them seem to be either missing words or losing so much structure that they can't be understood.

#32 · Chapter 2 · 93w, 10h ago · · ·

>>1781522 Oh my. Well, I assure you, if there are any mistakes, I'm glad for them to be pointed out so I can fix them. Can you give me a couple of examples?

But overall, what did you think of the chapter?

#33 · Chapter 2 · 93w, 10h ago · · ·

>>1778840 I do like the idea of the changelings being genetic cousins to the ponies. A lot of fans seem to ignore they are at least part equine.

>>1779843 Okay, sorry. I did not know.

Well, yes, I can see how it comes across as a bit odd, but then again, ponies have worn clothes before. I think it's because of how little we know of changelings canon-wise is why it seems odd.

>>1780896 Lol!

#34 · Chapter 2 · 93w, 10h ago · · ·

>>1781557

Or that they are part insect as well.

#35 · Chapter 2 · 93w, 5h ago · · ·

"over them without her acknowledge." Knowledge, not acknowledge.

"Pupa still felt bad about how much she her mother". You didn't say what Pupa did or felt about her mother.

"beauty had faded far earlier before its time." This is a rather repetitive and awkward statement, you don't need the earlier and the far, they just make the part of the sentence redundant.  

Now that that's done for the story itself.

Holy cow:pinkiegasp: we're really going for the evil, beat on your subjects, type of ruler. I hope the barbarism doesn't last to long:fluttershysad:

Ciao, here's to happier chapters :raritywink:

#36 · Chapter 2 · 93w, 5h ago · · ·

>>1782734 Ah, I see. Thank you for pointing out those errors. I appreciate it. They will be amended immediately.

That's how I like to envision it. A world that is advancing but still savage. I really want to show Chrysalis' brutality in the first chapters, so we can then chip away at that and see the other sides of her. But if we're talking about that groomer who needs stitches, I dunno, I stand by what Ace Ventura, pet detective once said, "Nobody messes...with the 'DO!" LOL!

#37 · Chapter 2 · 92w, 6d ago · · ·

I don't know how to react, I love the story....BUT WHY?!?!?! On any other story I can say what I like about it, where as this story, I can't say what I love about it, all I can say us that I love it

P.S

Did I mention I love this story?

#38 · Chapter 2 · 92w, 6d ago · · ·

That was fucking brilliant, I love how chrysalis seems to be in her 50's and doesn't look her best, I feel pretty sorry for her yet I also feel like she deserves some of it. You have to keep writing this.

#39 · Chapter 2 · 92w, 6d ago · · ·

>>1787044 Well, I'm glad that you love this story, and hope you will continue loving it as it develops. Yeah, I too can understand sometimes really liking a story and not entirely able to lay my finger on exactly why. It'll come to you.

>>1789154 Well, actually, I'd say she's in her late 30s, early 40s in her species' years. She's suffering premature aging such as thinning hair and wrinkles due to the stress of ruling her kingdom. But thanks, and I'll keep at it.

#40 · Chapter 2 · 92w, 6d ago · · ·

>>1789215

Either way I love whats going on with her.

#41 · Chapter 2 · 92w, 5d ago · · ·

O.O damn chrysalis

#42 · Chapter 1 · 92w, 4d ago · · ·

Hey there!

Two days ago you posted this story in the group "FimFiction Gold Archives". Well, our leader didn't add it to the official approval-list yet. Regardless of that I as a legislator, if you want to call it that way, gave the first shot to your fiction and did read the first chapter. I'm not here for the judgment, yet. This really is only supposed as a helpful comment to increase the quality of this craft and of course includes my thoughts as an average leader. :raritywink:

(Ha, that makes me sound so important! :yay:)

First off, you asked if it counts that you're proofreading your stories yourself with greatest efforts. Unfortunately, this is clearly to be answered as a no. And this no counts for every skill-class an author can enter in his life.

The idea behind this system is, that you as the reader can read through your own writing for thousand times and hours, yet somewhere will errors and mistakes lurk beyond the reach of your own eyes. Another pair of such wonderful balls will always have an different "angle" which can reveal a different type of errors.

This this second pair of eyes is trained for such editing tasks and has a tight grap of grammar, then it's even better of course. But that's not entirely necessary.

Speaking of it, I may start with a little feedback on your grammar.

There weren't any typos in the first chapter, at least I found not a single one. That's good! Knowing how spellcheck works is a fundamental thing to know for your future.

However, there are some fancier mistakes lurking around, and I think that i should point out one or two of them.

To get started, I have this choice of words at the beginning of your story, which is not really wrong but somehow odd.

One such nation was the ancient homeland of the ponies of Equestria’s number one foreign rivals, the changelings.

That's totally fine, but I would think about making the whole sentence looking cleaner by cutting off the species of Equestria.

"One such nation was the ancient homeland of the Equestrian's number one foreign rivals, the Changelings."

Okay, you don't mention anymore that Equestria has ponies as citizens, but I guess somewhere we can say that this information has to be known by the reader for his own sake of enjoyment. And don't forget to capitalize Changelings. You are referring to the 'race' Changeling, making a capitalization necessary. (E.g. The number one foreign rivals of the Germans, the French. (:trollestia:) )

Also, the little prologue, which is supposed to grap the attention of the reader, shows an extensive use of commas, adjectives and even adverbs. Those three things specify other things, and specifying facts isn't really the best way to get a reader into your story. But that's style, and I wouldn't call it a negative point. This more meant as an advice for your later writings.

-

Then, a little typo:

“There, all gone.” Cerci screwed back the tops on the many plastic jars and was about to turn off the light when she asked, Okay, are you comfortable, sweetheart? Do you need anything else first?”

There is a " missing in front of the Okay.

-

It was time for breakfast with the rest of the Royal Household, as was tradition.

I don't think that capitalization is necessary here unless you see the household as a special group of persons, e.g. as a company or even an institution. However, I would rate that as a bit odd.

-

Her mother. The Queen of the changelings, Chrysalis.

Changelings should be capitalized. It's part of the title and also referring to the race.

Speaking of capitalization:

[…]whilst the modern spread included the kind of foods that would be eaten at Canterlot castle,[…]

While this is often spelled this way, I would capitalize Castle here, since it's part of the name, just like Heritage High School or something.

-

But the pièce de résistance were the fine collection of ponies placed on silver platters, all bound and screaming desperately for help through their gags.

In this case, pièce de résistance is not referring to the ponies who are placed on silver platters but to the fine collection. Since 'fine collection' is singular, you should use 'was' instead of 'were' here.

“The pièce de résistance are the collection of ponies placed on silver platters,” would also sound ridiculous.

-

Also, capitalize

“…yes, my queen.”

the first letter of quotations and direct speech. :trollestia:

-

Everychangeling, including Pupa, went dead silent, […]

I know that it's tempting to get the famous 'everypony'-train further and further, but I certainly never heard anyone say 'Everyhuman'. Now, everypony isn't certainly better, but Everychangeling just adds a few letters to much to the 'everyone', making it look like a super-obvious typo (or even grammatical error). But this is really up to you and no bad thing for me.

Yeah, that's it.

What do I think of it?

Well, I have to admit that changelings aren't a topic that I read much about. I don't actually dislike Chrystalis & friends, but I prefer Discord & company. However, this piece of slice-of-life sucked me into curiosity. I did read several slice-of-lifes of the royal pony-princessess and it's somehow nice to read about the changeling-version now. A big plus for me is, that the dark-tag is not missing as it is in the most slice-of-life stories. I will track this.

On the other hand, I don't really know what to think about this Japanese culture stuff. It's not much, just what I know about it and it's not really jumping into my eyes, so I can just read over it. But when I see names like "The members of Royal House of Roachanov", what is really close to common Russian names, it looks a bit odd (and also off). But hey, every writer has something that makes him unique, and maybe this will turn out way better than I'm judging it at the moment! :pinkiehappy:

And for now, I'm out!

--Chaodiurn

#43 · Chapter 2 · 91w, 5d ago · 2 · ·

So that's chapter two. The brutality is.. interesting.

G-g-g-grammar:

In her rant, she had too easily forgotten an important detail her minister mentioned, which then it hit her between the eyes.

"It" is too much.

She furrowed her brows, snapping at the Prime Minister, “Give me my copy!” The leader of the cabinet used his magic to levitate the top of a short stack of folders in the centre of the table and set it front of the queen,

[...]and set it in front of the queen.

Knowing it was coming, but just sitting their helplessly and waiting for it to happen.

Should be something like: The knowledge that  it was coming, just sitting there helplessly and waiting for it to happen.

The one beneath it I believe to be a dog. It’s quite hard to tell, Your Majesty, these aren’t exactly work of art.”

Works of art. Plural.

“Hey, you know what? Buck it. This meeting is over. We’ll reconvene next week, same time.”

Nothing wrong here. The direct speech is a very strong weapon to give character and personality to your figures, and Chrystalis as a leader, as cruel as she is, should have a mightier vocabulary than 'buck it'. I somehow felt a little bit disappointed here. The character is built as well as the others, but this makes Chrystalis look like a weak speaker, even almost like a low-life. She's a mighty leader and she should talk like it to buff the feeling for it. :yay:

For every political problem, there were three more economic or social one, blaring across the headlines of the international newspapers and the results of which were becoming more difficult to cover up from the rest of the world.

"For each political problem, there were three economic or social ones[...]". However, separating social and economic problems from political problems is a bit weird, since they are political problems and thus can’t be separated from them, unless you separate them from different types of political problems or from problems of other countries. But I get the message.

Each should be used because you're talking about each political problem as an individual problem that brings three other problems along.

Hundreds of thousands of her people were packing up and fleeing the kingdom to make the journey to and start a new life in Equestria, many of them skilled and qualified workers, causing a crippling brain drain.

That "[...] to make the journey to (and start a new life in) Equestria [...]" part makes it look odd somehow. Sending this massage with two sentences would be easier to read. E.g:

"Hundreds of thousands of her people were packing up and fleeing (from) the kingdom to make the journey to Equestria and start a new life. Many of them were skilled and qualified workers, causing a crippling brain drain."

It all led to one massive headache for Chrysalis that she would not wish on any of her enemies…except maybe Celestia and Luna.

Don’t forget the space after three dots. The minuscule is fine.

Sitting back on her haunches, she looked at Cerci like the latter had a leg growing out her my forehead instead of a little horn.

What is that 'my' doing there?

Cerci stuttered, sounding utterly flabbergasted, “B-But Your Majesty, I…why?”

Spaaaaace.

Just then, the door to the room suddenly and swiftly fwooshed open.

A typo.

The kingdom’s got a lot of problems.

No possession -s needed here.

Worse still, her body was marred by in pale stretch marks around the thighs, hips and belly.

Kill that 'in'.

Her face and mane also suffered; there were more premature lines than she could count beneath her sunken in eyes that were not just caused by lack of sleep and her mane was really beginning to thin, meaning she could not wear it long for much longer.

'In' isn't that often used. :trollestia: 'Cavernous eyes would be an even better choice of words imo.

Aaaaand the last one I found..

“My eye? Oh, my…uh, my husband did it, my queen.” Her overly wide toothy smile and the way she stammered and her eyes shifted told she was lying. “It was my fault. I put on a dress he didn’t like.”

..isn't a mistake! This is just an excellent example for the 'show-tell'-problem.  X, Y and Z showed fact A. There are better, beautifuler ways to tell this.

Yeah, that's it for now. Everyone makes mistakes, so fix it, and keep pushing this. I'm waiting for more, that's for sure. :pinkiehappy:

Cheers!

--Chaodiurn

#44 · Chapter 2 · 91w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1800198>>1831232 Thank you. I shall see to it that all these mistakes (which seem to be quite numerous) are seen to and amended. I really appreciate the time you are taken to go over the chapters of this story and check for errors. I apologize for the delay in reply, as I was in Scotland last week.

Would it be more convenient that I send the next chapter to you via personal message first so you can pre-read it then?

#45 · Chapter 2 · 91w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1831261 Yeah. I'm used to read blogs when I wait for a reply or something. :twistnerd:

My idea was to simply show why it's important to have a proofreader on your side. If you want me as an official proofreader we could surely talk about it via p.m.

Comment posted by PaleNarrator deleted at 9:51pm on the 21st of December, 2012
#47 · Chapter 2 · 91w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1836386 It seems there has been a mistake on my part. I shall remove it from the group immediately, and I apologize for the confusion.

#48 · Chapter 2 · 91w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1836392

Not a problem. Thanks for helping us understand.

#49 · Chapter 2 · 91w, 3d ago · · ·

I will follow ..... for now

#50 · Chapter 3 · 87w, 6d ago · · ·

Married? Just how long do you plan to take this?:rainbowhuh: Not that I'm complaining, the thought of seeing Pupa grow up excites me a little bit

Ciao darling:raritywink:

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