- Member Since 9th Oct, 2012
- offline last seen May 3rd, 2017
Shadowstalker
Male. Young adult. Brony. Favorite pony, Luna. Favorite villian, Discord.
Shadowstalker
Joined 9th Oct, 2012 ·
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you had her kill the soldiers far to quickly, most especially that one but still not to bad. thanks for the new chapter
I like the story thus far. I just want to eliminate small editing errors.
to the
pulling
the
did you mean illusion
their
to the
one's
These problably slipped through the editing net. Easily forgiven mistakes.
Thou is a stand in for you, thine is your. On a few occasions you use "thou" instead of "thine", give a quick run through your document to check them all. I think I counted four, and I'm only halfway through.
as a specific example...
"We will never forget thou father, not until we shall breath our last breath in this world of death and life. We shall always remember.."
should either have a comma (thou, father, not) or it should be thine if someone else is speaking. Also, while I'm at it, "not until we shall breath our last breath" shouldn't have shall in it. Without shall it's "I'll remember you till I die." with shall it's "I will remember you unless I am going to die"(or something like that, English is weird)
Well In my opinion this is shaping up better than the first draft. Keep it up.
Have a Navy Seal of approval.
media.tcpalm.com/media/img/photos/2011/11/12/720111112164537001_t607.JPG
2174419 As well as salutes made of awesome
1-media-cdn.foolz.us/ffuuka/board/tg/image/1336/35/1336352193043.jpg
celticstown.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/shaq-salute.jpg
techdeville.com/wp-content/uploads/Big-Boss-Salute-720x408.jpg
fc07.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2011/202/d/7/rainbow_dash_salute_by_yoshi20111-d417j6w.jpg
evansheline.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/bear-salute.jpg
weknowawesome.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/neal-patrick-harris-saluting-236x300.jpg
it's better! and i like it
wow this is an interesting concept good luck and 5/5 twilight smilies
2169357 Actually, while thou does indeed function as 'you,' thou and thine are both stand-ins for your; their usage is dependent on what they come before. Thou before words that start with consonants and thine before ones starting with vowels. (i.e. "Keep thou watchful eyes on the skies." versus "Keep thine eyes on the skies.")
Awesome. Tho I still liked the first version of the story!
Oooooooohh...
This should be interesting.
I miss the first version
but this is good too.Could u post the first version again as a different story?
2184135 Sure, But, only after I finish this. I'll have it on my stories list but it will not be published. But, it will be one of three projects I will be working on without anyone to bother me. You have my word.
...I wish there was a winking emoticon.
I like, moar now
hm interesting
2183859 Im likin' 'em all
Im glad I put this to follow
Celestia isn't at all surprised that Twilight is a werepony?
2185358 She is her teacher. That and she's pretty much seen all there is to see. I mean, her student was showing obvious signs right in front of her.
Needs some work. Do you have an editor or pre-reader? If not, get one. Don't just use yourself because the input of others can, and will, be helpful.
NEW UPDATE
2185521 I can't use google docs. So yeah...
2185812 there are other ways.
2185812
Why can't you use Google docs? And you can have the chapter unpublished on this here site, and make a password and give the password to an editor that agreed to edit this here fic. I might be getting some things incorrect, and I may not.
2186063 I forgot the password. Ok, I'll do it next chapter.
I'm an editor for someone and he just sends me the chapter, I edit it and then I send it back.
You can have an editor in many ways.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lfzpkiB3LC1qafrh6.gif
Thank you! That is how spike should be written! As an educated and calm badass!
I think the reactions of a werepony are too small, otherwise good story.
Walkway?
Her parents don't know why she left. She herself took the train. Yet both Celestia and Spike know where she's going. Elaborate?
Twilight has a dorm room in the castle, which means she shouldn't be living with her foster family, which means her foster parents shouldn't know she's missing. That earlier scene, back in Chapter 2, doesn't seem like it should be there.
A lampshade? Why would he bring a lampshade? Also, first comment.
2243921 Remember the party? No wait... I'm just going for a decorative lamp piece that he has some sort of emotional attachment to. Ignore that.
2243924, you comment way too fast.
2243930 No I don't... It was like six minutes ago you replied to my reply.
Should be you're. I believe that is when Crimson is talking to Luna.
liked the original, REALLY like this one. Please continue
hope to see more soon.
Do MOAR!
Can't wait to see what happens next
Umm...
*Opens mouth* ... .... ... *Closes mouth*
All I can say is holy shit dude. Whatever quality issues you had with your first go at this, you've left those in another dimension.
Seriously, this may be one of the stories I look forward to the most now. Keep up the awesome work!!
yea i'm with CDR hopefully any further chapters come out soon. for some strange reason you'r story is pinging 3 unread chapters would you happen to know anything about that?
Bad decision there, friend. A proof-reader/editor can make all the difference. But, it is your choice and your choice alone.
So no mane six adventure? Just crimson and spike/nightmare?
2359718 Thank you! That's the real criticism I really enjoy, it encourages me to find my own mistakes!
2359718 the best kind of story critic
oh and by the way, still loving the story
When I write things like essays I read the work backwards ( start at the last word and read toward the beginning). It helps me catch anything I may have missed. It might help if you don't already know the trick.
I liked the chapter good work.
This is an interesting concept at the very least. Well written and captivating. I'll be following this.
I like the last idea. A conversation chapter is always welcome with crimson.
Let them reach the city only at the end of chapter 8. Otherwise save it for the beginning of chapter 9.