I like the story thus far. I just want to eliminate small editing errors.
She turned back tot he guards, puling the sword from her paw. She lit her horn with a crimson aurora, causing a spiked wall of stone to come...ice as it crept up her legs and let the electricity flow through her. She crushed te first guard in
to the pulling the
She felt sad for them, blinking a few times, a thought came to mind. A simple allusion spell not even an alicorn could break,...any unicorn to know. She knew it wasn't possible, it was before even there time, hidden
did you mean illusion their
hooves had shrunk down [coror=red]tot he size of teacups.
to the
'Father would be proud. Giving ones happiness to make sure others are happy.'
one's
These problably slipped through the editing net. Easily forgiven mistakes.
Thou is a stand in for you, thine is your. On a few occasions you use "thou" instead of "thine", give a quick run through your document to check them all. I think I counted four, and I'm only halfway through.
as a specific example...
"We will never forget thou father, not until we shall breath our last breath in this world of death and life. We shall always remember.."
should either have a comma (thou, father, not) or it should be thine if someone else is speaking. Also, while I'm at it, "not until we shall breath our last breath" shouldn't have shall in it. Without shall it's "I'll remember you till I die." with shall it's "I will remember you unless I am going to die"(or something like that, English is weird)
... FOR ONCE TWILIGHT IS NOT A VAMPONY! YOU DESERVE FAVE, FOLLOW, AND THE OTHER STUFF! A PLUS TO THAT TWILIGHT LYCAN SPARKLE HAS AN DECENT... umm what term am I looking for? is it backstory? anyways point is I have seen far too many vampony twilights! you took the road less traveled; keep up the good work.
you had her kill the soldiers far to quickly, most especially that one but still not to bad. thanks for the new chapter
I like the story thus far. I just want to eliminate small editing errors.
to the
pulling
the
did you mean illusion
their
to the
one's
These problably slipped through the editing net. Easily forgiven mistakes.
Thou is a stand in for you, thine is your. On a few occasions you use "thou" instead of "thine", give a quick run through your document to check them all. I think I counted four, and I'm only halfway through.
as a specific example...
"We will never forget thou father, not until we shall breath our last breath in this world of death and life. We shall always remember.."
should either have a comma (thou, father, not) or it should be thine if someone else is speaking. Also, while I'm at it, "not until we shall breath our last breath" shouldn't have shall in it. Without shall it's "I'll remember you till I die." with shall it's "I will remember you unless I am going to die"(or something like that, English is weird)
wow this is an interesting concept good luck and 5/5 twilight smilies
... FOR ONCE TWILIGHT IS NOT A VAMPONY! YOU DESERVE FAVE, FOLLOW, AND THE OTHER STUFF! A PLUS TO THAT TWILIGHT LYCAN SPARKLE HAS AN DECENT... umm what term am I looking for? is it backstory? anyways point is I have seen far too many vampony twilights! you took the road less traveled; keep up the good work.