Step One: Tuck legs up against chest.
Step Two: Wrap arms tightly around legs.
Step Three: Roll away.
Step Final: Hope you're fast enough to escape.
You feel as if it would be in your best interest to get out from under her before you do anything else. Unfortunately that doesn't seem like its going to happen. You see, while you noticed before that her forehooves were next to your shoulders, well more touching your upper arms but yeah, there is the matter of the rest of her body. Her rear hooves are positioned so that they are just above where your knees are almost the same as your shoulders. Also despite the fact that she is more or less about the size of an average pony from your world she is still slightly shorter than you think she is. So there isn't much room for you to roll up into a ball. Why you feel the need to do that to get out from under her is beyond you. So yeah, there will be none of that.
you sloowly, veeery slowly reach a hand towards her head and begin scratching behind her ears. You see her eyes close half way and her mouth hanging open as she lets out a relaxed breath. You continue this and While she is distracted by the pleasure you're giving her, you slide your other hand in your pocket to reach for your trusty multipurpose pocket knife. with your multipurpose pocket knife in your grip, you swiftly pull your hand from her ear and place the arm under her head lifting it a bit, exposing her neck, then you bring your other hand thats holding the knife to her throat and press the blade against the exposed flesh all in one fluid motion. At first she panics and tries to squirm from your hold, but you press the blade a little bit deeper to remind her of her current situation. Once she has calmed, you ask where your gas powered internet enabled blow dryer and your nuclear-powered SMS messaging bowling ball was.
yea, i dont know what the hell I'm doing
Right as the thought of rolling up into a ball leaves your mind however you suddenly remember your trusty pocket knife.
"OF COURSE!" Your internal monologue which for some reason sounds like Crispin Freeman says. Why your internal monologues sound like Crispin Freeman is beyond you, but hey, he has an epic voice. But anyways, your pocket knife. Of course, you never leave home without it.
Slowly so as not to alert her presence, you move your right hand down towards your pocket. Of course you keep a pocket knife in your pocket. You would distract her by petting her but since her eyes seem to be locked on you you don't feel that is necessary. Anyway, just as you are about to reach your pocket......
Also make sure your wearing pants.
And you touch your bare skin.
"Of course," your internal monologue says again. You never wear pants when you sleep so of course you wouldn't be wearing pants now.
I grab the book and start reading, totally ignoring her.
Its only then do you notice the book she's holding with her magic. You naturally have to conclude that its her magic holding it due to the matching glows on her horn and the book. Anyway, since you are without your trusty pocket knife you reach up with your left hand and grab the book. You try to pull it down towards you but it remains still. She obviously doesn't want to let you have it.
Well, that's all the incentive I need.
You suddenly see out of the corner of your vision Jesus Christ, yeah, the one and only, playing a game of checkers with Discord. The Chaos God was in deep thought over his next move, while Jesus was simply texting holy messages of awesome on his iPhone and playing the latest Angry Birds game.
Also, Twilight inexplicably got a wing boner, and wings for that manner. Jesus simply rolls his eyes while Discord flips the checkerboard in anger for not coming up with a good move.
While your fighting with her for the book, over in your peripheral vision you see what looks like a..... thing.... that resembles a dragon more than anything else, but with a deer antler, a goat leg, a bat wing, and a snake tail playing checkers with another human who you can only assume to be Jesus. He appears to be texting somebody on an iphone.
Suddenly, the dragon thing flip the fuck out and flips over the table they are playing on and screams in frustration before snapping his fingers and teleporting away. The man you assume to be Jesus just looks over at you and nods before teleporting away himself. You can only assume that the purple unicorn was caught up in this distraction as well cause the book suddenly comes free from her magical grasp.
Without hesitation you open up the book and look at the front page. The title of the book appears to be The Pony Sutra: 100,000 ways to make your lover ride you into the sunset After seeing that you skim through the book only to see that practically every other page has an outline of different sexual positions as well as drawings and notes on how to perform them. You feel your face redden a bit as you see this.
"Oh my..." is all you can say to yourself upon seeing this. Slowly, you lower the book from your face to see that the purple unicorn's smile has become even wider.
What do you do?
Insert fingers into mouth and improvise a rape whistle.
as 4chan says
>rape
Smile politely, then look behind her all shocked and yell "Look! A Three-Headed Monkey!"
Shove her off while she's distracted and get the hell out of there... Only to get tackled by a three-headed monkey.
you call this a good 4chan story?
stupid nigger, get on my level.
my story that started on 4chan has 7000 views
your face shows how nervous you are.
"if you plan to do anything sexual, at least be gentle!" you squeeze your eyes shut, awaiting the bittersweet embrace.
Yell "I need an adult" over and over again.
Get up and do the carlton dance from Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air
Notch appears and spawns in 9001 book shelves distracting twilight, apon which you find leather pants and make a speech about "Twilight sparkle is too damn high" and make a politically party.Right before she grabs you you yell "Ain't nobody got time to dat".
Yell, "Objection!" Then, produce the most convoluted and complex evidence to prove that you're not interested in doing what she thinks you're interested in doing.
throw the book away and yell at the top of your lungs "BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!" suddenly the heavens open to reveal Glory from 'Fallout Equestria Project Horizons' yelling an insane battle cry
She's flying in for the kill.Flying at speeds that would make rainbow dash moist in her nether regions(which indeed does happen as she has been watching the whole time.She begins to dryhump furiously on Mic The Mike who is at the moment screaming "FUCK YOUR COUCH NIGGAAAAS!" while playing fallout new vegas outside in the open while this is happening).She then misses completely and explodes in a fiery explosion causing a crater of awsomeness to form(which is what to this day what the ponies of equestria still call it....it has been deemed by princess celestia herself to be a landmark to behold for tourist to see.Causing ponyville to be a major hotspot for tourist. Therefore earning money for the Mayor Mare's secret addiction to clopping to Obama/Jesus Christ shipping) .......but shes not done yet... she crawls out being reborn as jinchuuriki naruto who is in his 4 tails form who then proceeds to furiously clop on the spot. He finishes in ten seconds flat smothering both you and twilight in spaghetti............
Make like Grumpy Cat and "No."
just go with it dude.
crinkle or rip a page of the book and watch as twilights OCD takes hold
"Bow chicka bow wow."
Burst out in tears and call for your mommy.
Slowly, you set the book down. After that you reach up and place both of your hands on the side of her face. Looking deep into her violet eyes, you give a small smile of your own. Just as she thinks you have given in, you bend your leg and place a foot on her belly, and flip her over your head. Then, you make a mad dash through Ponyville in your underwear.
Buy beer, and then ask her if she wants to have an orgy with her friends
ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION POWERS, ACTIVATE!
Punch her in the throat.
I knew EXACTLY what video that 'oh my' link would go to. And it was excellent.
2146269 Really? Of all the comments on here I get the response? Hehe, how amusing. I'm too normal for this, there's no way I'm going to come up with something entertaining.
Oh well, can't hurt to try. Chapter two, here goes:
"I really wouldn't. I have AIDS, you know."
In other news, reading these comments is hilarious. You must be having an awesome time.
2148804 I changed my mind. This is brilliant.
NOTHING love the story tho
Knock out Twilight with the book, and then run away while screaming "I REGRET NOTHING!"
Step1: Pretend to have a seizure. Twilight will be confused and step back as you writhe in fake agony.
Step2: You have now completely caught Twilight off guard. Throw the book, which will assist in distracting Twilight, and run to jesus for help.
Step3: Repent and thou shalt be saved.
Step4: Jesus says you're going to hell. Roll up into a ball and cry as Twilight drags you into her tree house for some hot man on mare action.
Step5: Sell baby human/pony half breeds to a circus.
Step6: ???
Step7: Profit.
I must say, that George Takei video goes rather well with the imagery of him reading that book.
Eye twitches as I banish the book to whatever unholy hell it came from with a burst of green lightning.
2150127 The conch has spoken!
Ohh good god... I can't stop laughing! Thumbs up >.<
I'm trying, I'm really trying *tears start rolling down the cheeks* I just *laughs none stop* how can this be so awesome to read
y u no apostrophe
Just ra? What about obelisk and slifer ?
Coming back to this chapter just to say:
"You suddenly see out of the corner of your vision Jesus Christ, yeah, the one and only, playing a game of checkers with Discord. The Chaos God was in deep thought over his next move, while Jesus was simply texting holy messages of awesome on his iPhone and playing the latest Angry Birds game."
EEYUP. Something as DARK AND MORBID as what just happened in the latest chapter REALLY happened in the story that started out with this!
JESUS FCKING CHRIST, RAZOR! Ya reel us in with crazy humor, THEN RIP US APART BRUTALLY WITH... WITH THAT WHICH WILL NOT BE SPOKEN OF!
You start barking like a dog while flopping around like a fish.
Kick her square in the vagina.
6216507 pretend to start riding her but then snap her neck and find a conveniently placed katana and chop her head of and drink her dripping blood then stab yourself in the stomach and slowly bleed out thinking of killing all of the younglings just to realise this was all a dream and you are bleeding emensely with a hole the size of a football in your stomach in the middle of the battle of...(whatever battle/war of your choice)