- Member Since 27th Sep, 2012
- offline last seen Feb 11th, 2017
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Where did all these followers come from? >_>
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Mate, you can't have a 'creepypasta character goes to equestria' story and not have a picture of the creepypasta character you're making a story of.
As for the story itself, besides some comma's that need to be placed here and there, it's okay.
Hey, you guys. I need a proofreader for this story, so if anyone is interested, please notify me. Take in mind that i am willing to do the same.
>>insert Clever Name
I see, i am working on that but i am having technical problems right now. Same for my avatar, unfortunately. I am trying >.<
this may be very random but..
gyazo.com/be2766de8261b00f04880b6eb72bcfd9.png?1360281636
family reunion!
2090490 Lol
Can you guys tell me what I am doing wrong here??
I am half way done with the next chapter but I want to make corrections before I finish and post. Are there any problems in the first chapter that you don't like? So i don't repeat the mistake in the next one?
Wat
I will read this later, if what my friend told me of Jeff is to go by, this will be good.
Have an up vote for now. Don't disappoint me or else, I have connections.
Since no formal bash review has been done, and you asked nicely, I will give you a small review to help out. Lemme read this shit.
If you are trying to stress a word in dialogue, use italics.
The Emergency broadcast doesn't have to be in complete italics. It's hard to read, and you stated that it was an emergency broadcast.
The transition to the pony world doesn't need to be bolded. I honestly hate it when stories do this. Transitions between worlds should be done by chapters honestly.
Okay, let me put this as nicely as I can. Your story is
fuckingconfusing (okay I don't want to bash this). I know who Jeff the killer is and everything, but I'm just confused whether he is in the real world or the pony world or both. I don't really understand the down votes, it's well written, excluding a few typos and the whole bold and italics thing, just a little confusing. It's pretty good, especially for being a first time fan fic about a human going to Equestria. Although Jeff is really not human in any sense of morality. It would be interesting and kind of funny to ship Jeff and Pinkamena... Just saying.If you want to write more, I would recommend it, but you might need a proofreader. I'd be willing to help out if you need, just PM me to review chapters. Otherwise there are several groups who would provide more detail on what needs to be fixed. Trust me once you get the hang of writing you catch the mistakes you make. Proofreading it yourself out loud would have fixed a lot of the issues. It's okay, you will get better.
"This is, unquestionably, another Human in Equestria story" and it's terrible. generic horror plot aplenty. grade: F. try harder
All right, looks like i will have to fix up the story before it is drowned out in downvotes
Apparently some people liked it regardless, so i will continue it, but i will have to heavily proofread future chapters...
I like it
Please update fast
http://soundcloud.com/gonzojam-mindless-prod4/blood-on-the-messenger
listened to this while reading this.
Yesssss
nice
Thanks, you guys
Once i get everything sorted out and i get a couple more chapters under my belt ill start adding it to groups for more people to read. I just hate how i screwed up the first chapter and got all those downvotes
Update pleasee
And those downfores are from people who just read title and think again creepy pasta dislike......
Can't wait for the next part!
Death. Creeper. Fugly pasta guy. upvoted....
That pic is fappable.
2159407
I think you just beat the medic at being clinically insane.
awesome job can't wait to see more
Yay
t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTdSMdlYiQPO1gbpAqX8UcN0ScGZ5JP-2YAGPOT1HIOaCrXXP0y
>>Vast Data
I dont get it
Not bad so far, but my recommendation is you find a second proof reader... Not saying that your first one isn't doing a good job, as I don't know what mistakes there might have been without their help, but having a second proof reader can help find things that the first one misses due to either just reading too fast, or maybe there is just some grammatical errors they don't spot. Now I guess I am being a bit hasty, as you are still revising these stories, and may have just not gotten to this one, actually clearly seeing as how its labeled unedited. Anyway enough of my ranting, it's a pretty good story so far. I'm curious as to what Fluttershy is going to do, if Jeff is going to kill her, or if because he is wounded by Big Mac that she may tend to his wounds and Jeff becomes friends with her. Although that seems a bit (OOC) for Jeff, but hey, it's a fanfic, and anything and everything can happen. Oh, and Neigh.
2193034 Thanks for the input! :D
And yah, the story is still being worked on right now. I will look over the chapters again to make them perfect, but right now im just experimenting and working to improve my writing style. You should have read my ORIGINAL first chapter, it was horrible, much worse than how much it is now. I still am not satisfied with my story, but I think I will look over it when I finish it. I dont want to put it on hiatus just to edit chapters current readers wouldn't even read, you know?
2193056
I hear ya. If you want when I get time I can skim over the chapters as I read em and put what I find down in the comments.... why does my quote button never work right. XD
I hope Big Mac doesn't die...
Nopony is safe...
Take a jar, put all the character's names on each paper, and draw one. That should be how i should decide things around here...
jk
Its good, but I saw that towards the end, in one of the paragraphs you used 'the' twice. I cant remember which one, and I cant find it anymore. xD But theres two unessecary 'the's though. Otherwise I like this story :D
2376222 yes, i know but it's a good song
Jeff The Killer is sexy for me.
2492097 You know, a lot of people are saying that.
I don't know how to feel about this. Is it a good thing?
all i have to say is, its a decent story idea. i mean, any stpry plot can work, as for example, someone making a slelenderman Fanfic in MLP. it seems like a little bit of a stupid idea, but it can work when done well. as for this, its done decently so far, so good job. how ever, i'm no critic, but i do asmit, its sort of intersting, and i want to know how jeff the killer will be like in the MLP universe. i would like to know how it will play out. also, at the beggining, the dialouge for jeff, sort seems what the joker would say. maybe he is the joker. anyway, i just don't think jeff would say much, other then thoughts in his head, but thats just my opinion, and everone is entitled to their own opinion. i also just don't see jeffwalking around the bad part of town, with a hoodie and jeans. i alsways thought he would go through woods, since he is a psychopathic killer and all, and i don't believe psychopaths would go out in any town without killing someone. i mean, thats a psychopath and i i think they would be alone in the woods, hiding from the authrieties, but now i'm just talking about an isane psychopath, although, they are kind of the same thing. except for insane people, they don't kill, but like i said before, its just my opinion. i mean, we all have our diffrent opinions on politics and relgion and shit and stories here on FIMfiction.net. also, when the part in Cantorlot, i felt kind of hard to tell who was talking, at first, since there was no clear distiction who was talking. i mean, there is eveidence where you can see whos talking and shit, but i'm just thinking on a varity level, where some people might not understand it, i mean, i understand it, but then again, i don't anyone would give a fuck. i mean, quoting something from James Rolfe also known as AVGN who also did "you know whats bullshit?" and "board James". he said in you know whats bullshit?, that" you can't please everbody, and everone will hate something." ok, i kind of messed up the quote there, but you get my point. so, i i think this chapter is good, and i'll move onto the other chapters later on, but i want to write my own fanfic, so i'll get to the other chapters whenever i can.
Alright, there are a few things I shall criticize in a few days, once I get my laptop back from the repair shop. But, overall decent chapter, but could be improved. (And to the haters, the author personally asked me to critique his story, and I plan to do just that.)
2193034
You forget that Jeff can still show compassion, as seen in Jeff vs Jane, when he apologized to "Liu" for killing him... He felt genuine regret...
This story is actually really good, didn't know what to expect.
2521952>>2524672 Everyone is crazy in some way or another.....
I'm interested. Also, Herobrine likes this.
2724651 Which Herobrine?
There is the interesting but harmless version of Herobrine that just stalks the player and does strange things on the map. (Creepypasta interpretation?)
...Then, there is that version that has malevolent interests with paranormal powers. Everyone loves to use this version.
I like
2772807 yeshhhhhh