Mate, you can't have a 'creepypasta character goes to equestria' story and not have a picture of the creepypasta character you're making a story of. As for the story itself, besides some comma's that need to be placed here and there, it's okay.
Can you guys tell me what I am doing wrong here?? I am half way done with the next chapter but I want to make corrections before I finish and post. Are there any problems in the first chapter that you don't like? So i don't repeat the mistake in the next one?
I will read this later, if what my friend told me of Jeff is to go by, this will be good. Have an up vote for now. Don't disappoint me or else, I have connections.
"You should be happy. I saved you from the evils of is God DAMNED world."
If you are trying to stress a word in dialogue, use italics.
The Emergency broadcast doesn't have to be in complete italics. It's hard to read, and you stated that it was an emergency broadcast.
The transition to the pony world doesn't need to be bolded. I honestly hate it when stories do this. Transitions between worlds should be done by chapters honestly.
Okay, let me put this as nicely as I can. Your story is fucking confusing (okay I don't want to bash this). I know who Jeff the killer is and everything, but I'm just confused whether he is in the real world or the pony world or both. I don't really understand the down votes, it's well written, excluding a few typos and the whole bold and italics thing, just a little confusing. It's pretty good, especially for being a first time fan fic about a human going to Equestria. Although Jeff is really not human in any sense of morality. It would be interesting and kind of funny to ship Jeff and Pinkamena... Just saying.
If you want to write more, I would recommend it, but you might need a proofreader. I'd be willing to help out if you need, just PM me to review chapters. Otherwise there are several groups who would provide more detail on what needs to be fixed. Trust me once you get the hang of writing you catch the mistakes you make. Proofreading it yourself out loud would have fixed a lot of the issues. It's okay, you will get better.
All right, looks like i will have to fix up the story before it is drowned out in downvotes Apparently some people liked it regardless, so i will continue it, but i will have to heavily proofread future chapters...
Its good, but I saw that towards the end, in one of the paragraphs you used 'the' twice. I cant remember which one, and I cant find it anymore. xD But theres two unessecary 'the's though. Otherwise I like this story :D
all i have to say is, its a decent story idea. i mean, any stpry plot can work, as for example, someone making a slelenderman Fanfic in MLP. it seems like a little bit of a stupid idea, but it can work when done well. as for this, its done decently so far, so good job. how ever, i'm no critic, but i do asmit, its sort of intersting, and i want to know how jeff the killer will be like in the MLP universe. i would like to know how it will play out. also, at the beggining, the dialouge for jeff, sort seems what the joker would say. maybe he is the joker. anyway, i just don't think jeff would say much, other then thoughts in his head, but thats just my opinion, and everone is entitled to their own opinion. i also just don't see jeffwalking around the bad part of town, with a hoodie and jeans. i alsways thought he would go through woods, since he is a psychopathic killer and all, and i don't believe psychopaths would go out in any town without killing someone. i mean, thats a psychopath and i i think they would be alone in the woods, hiding from the authrieties, but now i'm just talking about an isane psychopath, although, they are kind of the same thing. except for insane people, they don't kill, but like i said before, its just my opinion. i mean, we all have our diffrent opinions on politics and relgion and shit and stories here on FIMfiction.net. also, when the part in Cantorlot, i felt kind of hard to tell who was talking, at first, since there was no clear distiction who was talking. i mean, there is eveidence where you can see whos talking and shit, but i'm just thinking on a varity level, where some people might not understand it, i mean, i understand it, but then again, i don't anyone would give a fuck. i mean, quoting something from James Rolfe also known as AVGN who also did "you know whats bullshit?" and "board James". he said in you know whats bullshit?, that" you can't please everbody, and everone will hate something." ok, i kind of messed up the quote there, but you get my point. so, i i think this chapter is good, and i'll move onto the other chapters later on, but i want to write my own fanfic, so i'll get to the other chapters whenever i can.
Alright, there are a few things I shall criticize in a few days, once I get my laptop back from the repair shop. But, overall decent chapter, but could be improved. (And to the haters, the author personally asked me to critique his story, and I plan to do just that.)
Mate, you can't have a 'creepypasta character goes to equestria' story and not have a picture of the creepypasta character you're making a story of.
As for the story itself, besides some comma's that need to be placed here and there, it's okay.
Hey, you guys. I need a proofreader for this story, so if anyone is interested, please notify me. Take in mind that i am willing to do the same.
>>insert Clever Name
I see, i am working on that but i am having technical problems right now. Same for my avatar, unfortunately. I am trying >.<
this may be very random but..
gyazo.com/be2766de8261b00f04880b6eb72bcfd9.png?1360281636
family reunion!
2090490 Lol
Can you guys tell me what I am doing wrong here??
I am half way done with the next chapter but I want to make corrections before I finish and post. Are there any problems in the first chapter that you don't like? So i don't repeat the mistake in the next one?
Wat
I will read this later, if what my friend told me of Jeff is to go by, this will be good. Have an up vote for now. Don't disappoint me or else, I have connections.
Since no formal bash review has been done, and you asked nicely, I will give you a small review to help out. Lemme read this shit.
If you are trying to stress a word in dialogue, use italics.
The Emergency broadcast doesn't have to be in complete italics. It's hard to read, and you stated that it was an emergency broadcast.
The transition to the pony world doesn't need to be bolded. I honestly hate it when stories do this. Transitions between worlds should be done by chapters honestly.
Okay, let me put this as nicely as I can. Your story is
fuckingconfusing (okay I don't want to bash this). I know who Jeff the killer is and everything, but I'm just confused whether he is in the real world or the pony world or both. I don't really understand the down votes, it's well written, excluding a few typos and the whole bold and italics thing, just a little confusing. It's pretty good, especially for being a first time fan fic about a human going to Equestria. Although Jeff is really not human in any sense of morality. It would be interesting and kind of funny to ship Jeff and Pinkamena... Just saying.If you want to write more, I would recommend it, but you might need a proofreader. I'd be willing to help out if you need, just PM me to review chapters. Otherwise there are several groups who would provide more detail on what needs to be fixed. Trust me once you get the hang of writing you catch the mistakes you make. Proofreading it yourself out loud would have fixed a lot of the issues. It's okay, you will get better.
"This is, unquestionably, another Human in Equestria story" and it's terrible. generic horror plot aplenty. grade: F. try harder
All right, looks like i will have to fix up the story before it is drowned out in downvotes Apparently some people liked it regardless, so i will continue it, but i will have to heavily proofread future chapters...
I like it
Please update fast
http://soundcloud.com/gonzojam-mindless-prod4/blood-on-the-messenger
listened to this while reading this.
Its good, but I saw that towards the end, in one of the paragraphs you used 'the' twice. I cant remember which one, and I cant find it anymore. xD But theres two unessecary 'the's though. Otherwise I like this story :D
all i have to say is, its a decent story idea. i mean, any stpry plot can work, as for example, someone making a slelenderman Fanfic in MLP. it seems like a little bit of a stupid idea, but it can work when done well. as for this, its done decently so far, so good job. how ever, i'm no critic, but i do asmit, its sort of intersting, and i want to know how jeff the killer will be like in the MLP universe. i would like to know how it will play out. also, at the beggining, the dialouge for jeff, sort seems what the joker would say. maybe he is the joker. anyway, i just don't think jeff would say much, other then thoughts in his head, but thats just my opinion, and everone is entitled to their own opinion. i also just don't see jeffwalking around the bad part of town, with a hoodie and jeans. i alsways thought he would go through woods, since he is a psychopathic killer and all, and i don't believe psychopaths would go out in any town without killing someone. i mean, thats a psychopath and i i think they would be alone in the woods, hiding from the authrieties, but now i'm just talking about an isane psychopath, although, they are kind of the same thing. except for insane people, they don't kill, but like i said before, its just my opinion. i mean, we all have our diffrent opinions on politics and relgion and shit and stories here on FIMfiction.net. also, when the part in Cantorlot, i felt kind of hard to tell who was talking, at first, since there was no clear distiction who was talking. i mean, there is eveidence where you can see whos talking and shit, but i'm just thinking on a varity level, where some people might not understand it, i mean, i understand it, but then again, i don't anyone would give a fuck. i mean, quoting something from James Rolfe also known as AVGN who also did "you know whats bullshit?" and "board James". he said in you know whats bullshit?, that" you can't please everbody, and everone will hate something." ok, i kind of messed up the quote there, but you get my point. so, i i think this chapter is good, and i'll move onto the other chapters later on, but i want to write my own fanfic, so i'll get to the other chapters whenever i can.
Alright, there are a few things I shall criticize in a few days, once I get my laptop back from the repair shop. But, overall decent chapter, but could be improved. (And to the haters, the author personally asked me to critique his story, and I plan to do just that.)
I'm interested. Also, Herobrine likes this.
How did jeff wined up in equestria?
4106519
Magic