The Misadventures of Dovahkiin

by GhostofSandwich

Nolan North (Narrated by the Super Friends announcer)

“Uhh… Doctor, I think you messed something up,” the author said as he stepped out of the TARDIS.

“What? I didn’t do anything! This is the time you wanted,” the Doctor defended, his head poking out of the police box.

“It’s 2014. This story update was supposed to come out nearly a year ago!” the author yelled.

“Whoops, my bad. So, uh… Bye!”

“Wha- wait! Nope, he’s gone.” The author sighed as the TARDIS disappeared from his view. “My readers are going to stab me,” he groaned. However, a smile appeared on his face as he saw someone standing not twenty feet away. It was too good to be true, but it was the Super friends Announcer!

“I can help you out with your situation, random citizen!” the announcer said in his amazing announcer voice. How he already knew the author’s plight, the author would never know. Shrugging, he handed the manuscript to the announcer.

---

Meanwhile, at the castle of Canterlot…

“I’m going to flay you alive and scatter the bacon strips made from your body throughout this ungodly land of talking colored ponies that have an obsession with getting into shenanigans!”

“Ooh, I’m so scared,” Discord wailed as he backed away and began breathing in an almost comedic fashion. Immediately afterwards he laughed and turned into a scarf that quickly wrapped around the Dovahkiin’s Neck. Moving the part of the scarf that was his head to Dovahkiin’s ear, he whispered, “Fight me in real life, faggot.”

“Disco cords!” Dovahkiin yelled in a high pitched voice that shattered all the windows in the hall. Oh well, it wasn’t like they couldn’t put them back up in just a second; they seemed to build the stained glass windows quicker than a Twinkie gets eaten at a weight watchers meeting. There was already a stained glass window of Dovahkiin’s battle with Erinyes. Why it was erected, nopony knew.

“Oh, calm down, little kitty.”

“Who you callin’ a little kitty?” Dovahkiin said, having somehow transformed into a Khajiit from his world.

“Okay, that was unexpected,” Discord admitted. “But look at your tail. It’s so fluffy!”

“Touch the tail and I maul you,” the Dovahkiin threatened. Discord simply stared as the Dovahkiin’s tail retracted into his body and the fur transformed back into thick, cold resistant skin.

“What in the sam hell are you?” Discord puzzled.

“Me?” Dovahkiin asked as he put sunglasses that appeared out of nowhere on. “I’m the friggety fraggin’ Dovahkiin.”

“You know the story is rated teen, correct? You can curse,” Discord pointed out, obliterating the forth wall again. I’m sure that the construction crew has already given up by now.

“Yeah? Guess what?” Dovahkiin said. Discord began to reply, but found that his face was instead quickly greeted with a cake, a ton of streamers, and of course confetti. Wiping the icing away, he could see the Dovahkiin manning Pinkie’s party cannon with a large grin on his face. “I don’t care!”

“Where did you…?”

“Do you really want to ask me that? I mean, for the sake of Akatosh, I keep sweet rolls in my eyebrows. Are you really going to question as to where I kept her party cannon?”

“Question retracted.”

Both Discord and the Dovahkiin looked to their right and left respectively as all the mares appeared in a bright light. Strangely, Applejack was there as well even though she was absent for the past two chapters and thus was never taken to her quarters.

“I’ve seen some shit,” Applejack commented. One moment I was in a place, then I was in Celestia’s room. Oh, sweet Luna of the moon, the horn. It’s so long.”

“We shall never speak of this again,” Rarity commanded.

“I don’t think I can walk normal ever again,” Rainbow complained.

“Try narrating the entire thing. It was horrible,” Twiman said, her voice shaky, yet still elegant.

“Where is the Princess?!” A guard exclaimed as he charged into the lobby.

“A place,” Discord retorted.

“I’m seriously, you guys, where is she?”

“She’s not here, but I can help you,” the Dovahkiin said. ”After all, I’ve got plenty of room in my infinite journal for more quests. Not like I’m leaving her until she gets back, and in my experience she’ll want me to help her people before she helps me. As long as I don’t have to become thane…”

“It’s for the Princess’s ears only, sir.”

“I’ll hear what you need to say,” Luna said, announcing her presence in the room. She was standing at the top of the stairs, staring down at the group. The Dovahkiin hadn’t really paid attention to Molestia, but when he looked at Luna…

“Holy nugget in a biscuit, your mane is fabulous!” the Dovahkiin exclaimed in awe. Somehow, his eyes were literally sparkling.

“Special hair shampoo; here, use some,” Discord said before giving the Dovahkiin a bottle of dark blue shampoo. The Dovahkiin squeed and immediately filled his hand with the shampoo and rubbed it through his matted brown hair. Soon after, Discord created a rain cloud above the Dovahkiin that washed the product from his hair.

“Princess, there is a dragon attacking Canterlot! The guards have managed to hold it back, but I fear we don’t have long.”

“A dragon?! For the love of my sister’s fancy moustache, can nothing go right around here? Think I’m dealing with a dragon and shit; ain’t nobody got time for that,” Luna complained.

“A dragon, you say?” The Dovahkiin interrupted. Everypony looked at him I awe; his hair was flowing freely, complete with sparkles that filled the entire area of his marvelous mane. “It just so happens that I specialize in the slaying of dragons. Where is this dragon, soldier?” Dovahkiin asked.

“On the edge of the town. If you can indeed help, I can teleport you there.”

“Teleport me then, man!”

“As you wish,” the guard replied. Instantly, his horn began to glow and the Dovahkiin could feel the unmistakable tingle of magic coursing through his body.

Wait, no, he just had to use the bathroom.

“Hey, I’m still naked,” he announced. Discord grinned and snapped his fingers, applying armor to the almost naked Nord. It was a marvelous set of armor, with a rating of over 800 armor rating. The Dovahkiin could tell; it said so under it. The ability to see how much armor protected was a trait he has had since he was a young boy, following an incident with a math book.

The look of it was also something of the likes the Dovahkiin had never seen. It was made of a strange material, one that felt light but also felt like it could deflect a blow from a steroid induced orc without even taking a scratch.

“What armor is this?” he asked.

“Something I cooked up. I call it mudcrab armor.”

“Ah, that would explain it.”

“Yep,” Discord replied. With a flash of light, the Dovahkiin was gone. Everypony blinked a few times, then looked at one another.

“So, who wants to play Skyrim?” Luna asked, levitating the game case up into the air.

“I do!” everypony replied.

---

“Dragon smash!” the dragon exclaimed with the voice of Nolan North, the greatest voice actor in video game history.

“Ahhh! Get to the chopper!” Snowflake yelled. Apparently he had at some point joined the royal guard and had his voice changed to that of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“I fucking love this new body!” Nolan yelled. However, his focus was attracted to a spot on a hill to his right as soon as an explosion happened. In the center of the aftermath stood a creature akin to his original form; a human.

“Yeah, explosive entrance, bitch!” the Dovahkiin cheered as he stood erect and pulled his sword from its sheath. He hadn’t noticed at first, but Discord had also replaced his sword with an improved version. What was now steel was a beautiful marble like black sword that reflected the world beautifully. However, it was as hard a steel and sharper than any sword he’d ever held before.

“You don’t belong in this world, do you? Oh thank god, I thought I was the only one! One moment I’m agreeing to like, seventy different voice acting contracts, the next I’m here. And look at me, I’m a fucking dragon! How cool is that shit?” Nolan exclaimed.

“You am not real dragon,” the Dovahkiin announced in a very grammatically incorrect sentence. “But you have the body of a dragon, so we do epic battle!”

“Dude, is this about the whole town attacking thing? I tried to tell the little equines that I’m just looking for a donut. Not my fault I’m not used to having a tail!”

“What was up with the dragon smash thing?” the Dovahkiin asked, completely ignoring the fact that he wasn’t even there to hear Nolan say it.

“If you were a dragon, would you not say that as well?”

“Good point,” the Dovahkiin agreed. “Anymellon, It’s my duty to kill all dragons, donut or no donut, awesome voice or no awesome voice.”

“Shame, we could have been awesome donut brothers,” Nolan sadly said.

“Not in this life, brother from another mother’s cousin’s thrice removed brother in law’s sister. What? I mastered in genealogy at the college of winterhold. Anyways, let’s battle!” The Dovahkiin yelled.

The two yelled with extreme loudness as they charged one another. All the guards one by one pulled out folding chairs, unfolded them, sat popcorn in their laps, while saying, “dis gon be good.”

The battle was going to be epic.

---

And just like that, the super friends’ announcer was gone, never to return. People would speak about his epic adventures for eons and legends would say that he still narrates to this very day. In truth, he simply went to the homeless shelter to narrate the feeding of poor homeless people.

Ghostwriter95 smiled as he watched the announcer walk into the sunset, content with the fact that he at least managed to publish another chapter of the story. A gasp escaped his lungs as a hand was place on his shoulder.

“I heard you’ve been looking for me, young man,” the man said.

“Yes I have, mister Walken.”

Author's Note:

Alright, if you follow my other story Revelations: Twilight to Darkness, then you are already caught up on my return to these two stories. However, if you aren't, then allow me explain. Due to loss of internet along with a thousand different small reasons, I gave up on updating this story, However, the main reason was that I lost my ability to be utterly random for a bit, but now I'm punky brewster in a vanilla cupcake jar. Rest assured that this story as well as Revelations: TtD will be finished before I focus deeply on anything else.

If you followed this story before this update, then I thank you for waiting so patiently. If you are just joining, then I hope you enjoy the randomness!

Comments

[Lord Charles]

Nigga I'm still gona shiv you! You can't buy me over with dragons.