The Dovahkiin (AKA Dragonborn) accidentally his world and gets sent to Equestria. Hilarity ensues.
The Dovahkiin, while in a epic battle with his hated rival, the evil Mudcrab, accidentally casts a spell that teleports him to the magical lands of Equestria. His first reaction is that of bewilderment, but he quickly finds himself mixed up in the everyday antics of the world as he uses his powerful voice to try and return home.
This is a story of adventure, friendship, and of course muffins. Or maybe not. Nothing in Equestria ever goes as planned. Not as long as Derpy has something to do with it anyways. Oh, and despite what it sounds like, the main character is a Carrot, not the Dovahkiin. Nuff said.
DISCLAIMER: This story is in no way shape or form serious. Only read if you are looking for 1) Randomness or 2) Funny moments that cause laughter even though they really shouldn't.
"You... Won't... Beat... ME!" Dovahkiin charged at the mighty beast and swung his sword at it. Unfortunately, it blocked his sword with it's rock like pincers and sniped at his legs, which he barely avoided. "Fus... Roh DAH!" The powerful shout only only served to make the mighty beast barely flinch before him.
"Damned... MUDCRAB!" He dropped the sword and raised his hand, channeling the powerful magic inside him through it. After all, he knew the powerful and unstoppable spell, Flames. "DIE!" He shot a burst of fire from his hand at the unstoppable monster before him in an attempt to cook it with the extremely powerful spell. Unfortunately for him, this only served to melt the bits of ice on the horrendous monstrosity, allowing it to move towards him faster.
"No, stay back!" He braced himself to be slayed by the worthy adversary, when he heard the familiar noise of a dragon about to land. He dived back as the dragon landed right where he had just been. "Oh, what an annoying pest..." He hurried and stood, then ran over to the dragon and punched it, killing it instantly. "Damn dragons, getting in the way of me defending the entire world from this monstrosity!" Before the behemoth of a enemy made its bay back to Dovahkiin, he drank the soul of the dragon like a good soup.
"Ah, that should help! Come at me bro!" I raised his hands once more and put them together. He began to prepare the powerful teleportation spell capable of sending the creature to another universe. This spell, he learned from a lowly beggar in the streets of Whiterun. Because, you know, they are the best magic teachers.
"Kame... Hame..." He stopped for a moment, realizing that he was charging the wrong spell. Actually, he couldn't recall where he learned that one... Probably from the short old man that lived in the basement of his house. He focused his hands once more together and aimed them at the hulking behemoth monstrosity moving towards him. Slowly, a beam of pink energy began to form between his hands.
"It's PINK? I'm going to have a talk with that beg- oh right, I killed him for his tomato." He began to feel a bit of anticipation as the godlike creature continued its crawl towards him. A blinding flash of light began to envelop around him as he prepared to shoot the magical teleportation bolt at his most hated rival. "It's not supposed to do that!" He looked up into the sky at the writing that somehow said what he was good at. "NO! My alteration skill isn't high enough!"
The spell began to overcharge. Time around Dovahkiin began to slow and the world began to distort. The last thing Dovahkiin saw was the Mudcrab staring at him with smugness on its expressionless face. Don't ask how that makes any sense, it just does! The only regret that Dovahkiin had as he started to disappear was that he didn't get to kill his rival.
"My wife better not get a single gold piece from my death!" His final wish was heard by a nearby pig, who later came to be the high king of Skyrim. So no, his wife never got a single gold piece. With a violent explosion, the Dovahkiin disappeared to a place unknown.
A flash of light appeared in the middle of the peaceful town of Ponyville, where the mayor was busy buying alcohol from some fillies nearby. Ponies began to gather around to see what the problem was, although most feared that they were about to have another problem on their hands. If only they knew...
Dovahkiin went flying through what seemed liked a very bright tunnel. At the end of it, he expected one of his many afterlives to be waiting for him. Unfortunately for him, there was something much, much worse in store for him. Withing moments, he felt himself flying through the air, followed by landing on something soft.
"MY RIBS!" He looked down at the thing he had landed on.
"Did that horse just talk?! No matter, where am I?" He stood off of the pony, whose ribs were crushed into a fine powder. After all, Dovahkiin hadn't exactly shied away from the sweet-rolls. He started to walk away from the pony gasping for breath as he saw a bunch of small horses staring at him.
"H-Hello there?" He blinked twice at the purple horse that was talking to him. And did it have a horn? He'd heard of unicorns, but didn't believe them to be real.
"OH CELESTIA WHY IS NOPONY HELPING ME!" Completely ignoring the screams of pain behind him, he neared the purple unicorn and began examining it. It was quite obviously a mare, but didn't look very good to ride. None of the horses around did, since most were only half his size.
"Strange talking horses, which one of you is capable of being ridden?" Almost all of the ponies surrounding the Dovahkiin had the same expression of horror. Did that strange creature actually intend to ride one of them? "Not talking eh? Alright, guess you look strong enough." He neared the purple pony and sat on top of the poor pony, despite her protests. The moment he applied pressure, he heard a slight snapping noise, followed by the pony screaming her lungs out.
"Whoops, guess you weren't strong enough."
"Umm, if you don't mind... Could you maybe stop crushing my friends? If, you know, that's alright with you..." He turned around to see another small horse, this one yellow with a pink mane.
"Alright, who taught you to talk? What afterlife is this?"
"Afterlife? What the buck are you talking about?!" He looked slightly to the left to the pony that had just stood by the yellow one, this one orange with a yellow mane. She spoke with a accent he had never heard before.
"A spell of mine overcharged back on my world while I was battling a foe in a battle so epic that songs would be sung about it! The resulting explosion killed me I assume. So is this not one of the afterlives?"
"No, and you just crushed two of my friends." He looked back to the one he had landed on upon entering this strange world, who had since passed out from the pain. The other one was still screaming bloody murder.
"I apologize. But to be fair, you all are terrible steeds. Back on my world, my horse took on a dragon."
"DON'T HELP ME OR ANYTHING!" Dovahkiin sighed and turned around the the pony with the possibly broken spinal cord. He walked over to her and charged his healing hands spell and touched the broken unicorn on the back, healing her quite immediately.
"There you go, strange talking unicorn."
"NEVER, sit on me again." She stood and shook herself off. Even though she was rather pissed, her nerdiness took over, and she immediately began to examine the strange creature. "What are you anyways?! Oh this is amazing! I knew there were more universes. Maybe this also proves my multi-verse theory...?"
"Okay, it's quite obvious I'm not dead. Which brings up the question of where the actual hell I am." He looked around at the many ponies who surrounded him expecting a answer.
"You're in Equestria. Welcome by the way. And um, if you don't mind... You forgot Blossom over there."
"Oh, yeah." He laughed sheepishly and walked over to the Blossom, whose ribs were probably nothing but finely ground bone meal. Fortunately, she was still alive, so Dovahkiin was able to heal her before she died. When she awoke, she wasn't pleased to say the least. And by that, I mean she bucked him in the groin.
"Dick." With a scoff, she walked away, leaving the Dovahkiin lying on the ground holding his groin.
"Ooh, that's gotta hurt." Dovahkiin wasn't sure which one said it, considering he had tears in his eyes. A moment later, he stood and began talking again, albeit with a much higher pitched voice.
"Where are the guards when you need them? I take a tomato and get chased with swords. She racks me and walks away scott free!"
"Yeah, we don't actually have any guards around here. Crimes aren't exactly a major issue around here. Well, besides crimes of fashion, which Rarity won't shut up about." Dovahkiin, being the petty thief that he is, began to look around the city. Gems laid out everywhere, but he had his eye on the carrots and apples! Why? Because fuck society! Who needs gems when you have insane amounts of food in your pockets!
"Well, it looks like I might be here for awhile... So, you horses have names?"
"I'm Twilight Sparkle." He pulled out his journal and made a quick note of what her name was. The others stepped up and told them their names as well, prompting him to write that in his journal as well.
"Alright, that's all noted." The six mares stared at him almost expectantly. It took him a moment to realize they wanted his name as well. "Oh, I'm Dovahkiin. Also know as Dragonborn." The one called Fluttershy's eyes opened wide.
"Did you say Dragon Porn?! My favorite type is... Oh...my..." She stopped talking as her friends all turned and gave her very judgmental stares.
"Uh... No, I said... Dragonborn."
"Oh, uhm..." Fluttershy squeed in embarrassment. Somewhere in Equestria, someone had a heart attack from the cuteness of her squee. That heart attack they suffered later caused a apple to reign supreme and forcibly take over Canterlot, only to be sat on by Celestia, who secretly enjoyed it. But I digress from the story at hand...
"Sugarcube, you and me are going to have a serious talk about that later... But right now... Twilight, is there a way to send this... I'm sorry, what exactly are you?"
"I'm a Nord. One of the human races in Tamriel."
"Okay... Is there anyway to send him back to his world?"
"I can check my library, b-"
"You have a library!" Dovahkiin began hyperventilating. Imagine the skill books he could read! Hopefully she didn't have the books locked behind cases without a key like that orc in Winterhold.
"Yes, you enjoy books?"
"Oh no... He's an egg head!"
"Says the pony who has read all the Daring Doo books and bought all the merchandise, including the-"
"I said never mention that! It's private." Rainbow began to blush, which made the Dovahkiin wonder what she was talking about. Honesty, he didn't think he wanted to know.
"We all know about it Rainbow... I can hear you all the way at my house at night." Rainbow's face turned from the normal sky blue to a bright red.
"Fine, so I sing along to the theme." What? Did you all think it was personal pleasure device or something? SHAME ON YOU!
"Okay, that's much better than what I was thinking."
"W-what were you thinking?" The six mares gave him a stare of judgement, which made him quickly change the subject.
"N-nothing, can we just go to that library of yours?" Luckily for him, the ponies all had extremely bad attention spans and had already forgotten about his possible perviness.
"Sure, I can show you my collection of books."
"By the nine, I love you so much." Dovahkiin reached down and took Twilight's hoof, and the two skipped happily off into the sunset, where they frolicked in the fields together for all eternity.
The End.
No, I jest. But he did grab Twilight's hoof and the two did skip off to her library, the other ponies staring at them with bewildered expressions. Don't ask how Twilight skipped with only three hooves, or even how a pony skips in the first place. No one actually knows.
"Well, here we are!" Dovahkiin stared at the large tree house, which even had a balcony and windows.
"You live... In a tree? Twilight..." He kneeled down in front of Twilight. "I think I'm... I'm..."
"Yeah?" The two stared into each others eyes.
"I'm in lesbians with you." The two embraced in a kiss of amazing epicness. The other five ponies simply stared. Fluttershy more than the other two of course, since she was a known stalker. Yes, everypony knew about her sitting outside Lyra and Bon-Bon's window.
"That's... Kinda hot." Applejack gave Rainbow a strange look, then looked back at the truthfully disturbing sight, which despite its disturbingness, was indeed kind of hot. Then again, pretty much everything that happens in Equestria is hot. Including Celestia sitting on that apple mentioned earlier, which actually served to turn her into the fabled Molestia. But that's a story for another time, by another author.
"Not outside. If Vinyl and Octavia see us, they're going to start it." Dovahkiin's face resembled that of the okay guy meme as Twilight opened the library. Everything was forgiven when he looked in and saw the various amounts of books that he could somehow learn stuff from.
"The books... So... Much... Experience."
"What was that?"
"Nothing." The group entered into the large library. Unfortunately, Dovahkiin had no idea what was just one floor above him.
"Spike! Come down here. We have a visitor." Dovahkiin continued to spin around the room as he examined the extreme amount of literature. As the small dragon stepped off the final step and into the library, Dovahkiin turned to look at the baby dragon.
"Dovahkiin, meet my assistant, Spike." He stared wide eyed at the baby dragon. Sure, he looked much different from the dragons of his world, but he was still a dragon. And honestly, he could go for a dragon soul about now. As he opened his mouth to begin his signature shout, Spike turned wide eyed at the human before him.
My Little Dovahkiin: Shouting is magic (Narrated by Morgan Freeman)
"DRAGON!" Dovahkiin looked at the small dragon, who himself was wide eyed.
"Ah, so you have dragons in your world?"
"FUS ROH DAH!" Before anypony knew what had happened, there was a Spike sized hole in the wall into the Kitchen. Unfortunately for Spike, he had been brewing a pot of tea. And even more unfortunately for him, he enjoyed boiling it with shards of gems. Very sharp gem shards. Much to the Dovahkiin's pleasure, Spike began to scream from pain, and secret pleasure from the pain, because he was quite the kinky little dragon.
"What was that for?!" He turned to Twilight, who immediately darted to the wall that Spike had just went through. "This wall is going to take forever to repair!" That wall did in fact take a whole three weeks to repair, but that is completely unrelated to anything that is going on right now.
"HEY! Nopony, nor no human messes with Twilight's wall!" Fluttershy was now flying right in front of him with a rather angry expression. While the two stared off, Twilight was in the background crying about her damaged wall. "Got it, mister?"
"Please, I'm the Dovahkiin! What's a little yellow pony going to do?" Little did he know, Fluttershy was quite the powerful pony.
"You want to find out?"
"Find out what? How easy it is to shout you through another wall?"
"Try me." Fluttershy smiled slyly and prepared for the shout of the human before her.
"FUS ROH DA-"
"LOVE MEEEEEE!" Dovahkiin went flying back into into a bookcase, causing all of the books to fall of onto his head. Millions of tiny papercuts now lined his body. Even more unfortunately for him, his shout still registered and hit the ceiling above him, causing it to drop onto him.
"Ow, my Thu'umb!" Despite the very terrible pun about his thumb, he stood from the rubble none the worse for wear. Well, besides the fact that his face looked like it went through a paper shredder, but that was the case most of the time anyways. Fortunately for him, he had seven loads of bread, three tomatoes, five sweet rolls, twenty fishes, and an entire apple pie in his front left pocket. Eating them all vigorously, and rather sexually, his cuts all healed perfectly.
"That was... Also kinda hot." Rainbow was staring at the Dovahkiin, who was now licking the remaining apple pie off of his lips.
"Ew... Is there anything you don't find hot?" Applejack looked at her friend, who was busy biting her bottom lip. "I'll take that as a no."
"HE DIDN'T SHARE!" Pinkie Pie, who had been inexplicably quiet and not random began steaming from her ears. The construction workers, who were busy repairing the fourth wall because of her threw their arms up in the air and walked away. After all, there was no sense in even attempting to repair the wall when Pinkie Pie was going to just knock it down again.
"She doesn't look happy." The Dovahkiin looked around at the five other ponies who were slowly scooting to the walls, out from between the Dovahkiin and Pinkie.
"Nobody. Eats. Pie. WITHOUT ME!" Pinkie charged the Dovahkiin, who didn't have even the slightest moment of time to get away. Now, I wish I could say that Pinkie Pie just gave him a punch on the shoulder and let bygones be bygones... I wish I could say that. But this was Equestria, where wishes were almost immediately destroyed by the Cutie Mark Crusaders. That and Berry Punch, who almost immediately drowned them in her various alcoholic beverages.
The truth behind the story is: Pinkie brutally beat the poor Dovahkiin to near death. He was completely fine afterwards, since he still had about three hundred cabbages in his left pocket. But from that day on, he learned to share with the pink party pony.
"Hey? HEY!" Dovahkiin slowly opened his bruised eyes to see Rainbow standing over him. "You got knocked the buck out!" Completely oblivious to the fact that he just got beat up by a pink pony, he slowly sat up and began to examine his body, which now had more bruises, cuts, and scrapes than Twilight after her welcome to Ponyville beat down.
"I'm fine. Have you ever been knocked into outer space by a giant? That was nothing." He quickly took all of the cabbages out of his pocket and started eating them whole. Within twenty seconds, he had eaten 250 of them. The last 50 he saved for Pinkie, since he didn't want to get beaten down again and have to dive into his back pocket reserves.
"My wall!" Twilight, who was still crying over her wall slowly stood and walked back to the group. Somehow, she managed to not see the entire bookshelf that was knocked over, as well as the hole in her ceiling that now showed a hole into her room.
"Hey Twilight, I can see your box of toys under your bed!" Twilight immediately began to blush and bleated like a sheep. How she was capable of releasing such sounds, I have no idea.
"Thanks for helping me..." Everyone turned to see the tiny dragon exit the kitchen. Somehow, he had inexplicably healed all of his burn wounds and cut wounds from the gem shards.
"Oh, there you are Spike! We've got a visitor." Twilight, seemingly having forgotten the events that had unfolded since they entered the library, greeted Spike as if he had just came down the stairs.
"Yeah, I noticed... You know, that hurt!"
"Oh, your a dragon. You feel no pain."
"Well now that's a lie! What's your beef with dragons anyways?"
"My wife is a dragon." All of the ponies and Spike's jaws dropped as he revealed he was actually married to a dragon. The tale of Dovahkiin and the dragon meeting was a epic one, but that is yet another story that is not to be told. Ever. But after their marriage, she started to become demanding of him, and belittled him every time he consumed a dragon soul.
"You married... A dragon...?" He nodded. Little did he know, marriage of a dragon in Equestria was punishable by death by means of having to live with Derpy for a day. And I don't need to tell you that anypony that has ever lived with her didn't make it a day. She causes just way to much chaos!
"Yes, although I regret it." All of the ponies just blinked at him. Mainly because they were wondering how exactly relations worked.
"Alright then... So, did you want to check out my books?"
"Of course!" Before Twilight even had a chance to show him to them, he started reading. And by reading, I mean he opened it for a split second and then closed it again. And then he got to the spell books. Twilight's jaw fell open as he started eating all of the books, because that is what happens when he actually reads a spell tome. No reading done, just eating and absorbing its info into his magical abilities.
"You... Ate my books..." Dovahkiin, ignoring Twilight completely, continued to read and eat books as he came to them. Upon finishing reading every book in the library, as well as eating all of the spell tomes, he turned back to Twilight.
"Yes, it's the only way to learn spells in my world."
"But... But... My books..." She fell back on her haunches and stared dumb founded at the Dovahkiin, who was busy picking book pieces out of his teeth.
"Hey, don't worry about it. I learned about fifty new spells from those books! I would pay you for them, but I doubt my money would have any value here." Little did he know, each gold piece was equivalent to ten bits. And he was currently carrying around 100,000 coins in his shoe.
"Well, I suppose I can order replacements from the castle's library..."
"See? Everything is alright. Now, I suppose I need to start finding a way back home..."
"Well, I could probably see about a spell, but you ate all my books..."
"OOH! OOH! Over here!" Everyone in the room, all except Rainbow, who was busy reading a Daring Doo book that she had found turned to look at Pinkie, who was for some odd reason standing on a table.
"Oh, I love standing on people tables!" Dovahkiin, with a mighty leap, jumped from his current position to the table and began to jump up and down on it. Everypony except Rainbow Dash and Pinkie face-hoofed.
"Oh Celestia, now he's jumping on my tables... Pinkie, what were you saying before he breaks it?"
"Let's go to Canterlot! Celestia might know something. Plus, I want to see Luna." Dovahkiin continued jumping up and down on the table with his eyes closed. Yeah, he had some problems...
"That's a pretty good idea. Alright everypony, we're off to Canterlot!" Dovahkiin, finally bored of jumping up and down, looked down on the ponies before him.
"Where is this Canterlot?" Twilight pointed out the window to the large city on the side of the mountain. Immediately, memories of climbing the throat of the world in Skyrim came back to him. All those stairs and the trolls... At least he wouldn't have to deal with any trolls going to this Canterlot. Little did he know, Trolestia was actually a real thing in this time. And nothing is worse than Trolestia. "There."
"Hmm... Haven't been there before. Looks like we're walking, seeing as I can't inexplicably teleport there."
"Road trip! I got the jams!" Pinkie reached out of everypony's field of view and pulled out a radio from nowhere. "To the train!" As everypony walked out, Dovahkiin slowly followed, but not before grabbing Spike and throwing him back into the boiling pot of tea.
"That's right Dovahkiin... Keep walking and enjoying your day... Because you won't be enjoying it long!" The mysterious figure began laughing evilly into the air, before choking on the food they were currently eating. This evil, evil shadow, now done choking began to slowly walk after the Dovahkiin. Unfortunately, the shadow tripped and landed on its muzzle, causing a rather serious nosebleed. "Bucking shit!" The shadow wiped its nose and slowly continued following the Dovahkiin with evil intent.
"Woohoo! I'm a horse!" The six mares turned and looked at Dovahkiin.
"Pinkie, I said to not give him one of your special cupcakes!"
"Oh did you? Sorry Twi, I though you said to not give him my special crab cakes!"
"What's the difference?!"
"There isn't one! Well besides the fact that cupcakes taste better. I mean, who likes cakes made from crabs? Well besides Discord, but he doesn't count! Ooh, Fluttershy likes them! Guess you guessed somepony! You win a cupcake!" Before Twilight could even attempt to protest, the pink party pony reached into her mane and pulled out a yellow cupcake and shoved it into Twilight's mouth.
"Pwinkie, ahp!"
"Swallow Twilight!"
"That's what sh-"
"Finish that, and ah'll kill you, Rainbow." Rainbow quickly shut her mouth. Last time Applejack threatened her, Rainbow had ended up getting bucked by Big Mac upon her request. And by bucked, I mean bucked. As in hit with his hind legs, you silly fillies!
"There you go Twilight. See? Now you'll start to feel better in a moment! Unless I gave you a bad batch, then you'll just have terrible cramps." Pinkie began hopping, which started to make the Dovahkiin do it as well.
"I love the sound of clopping!" All of the ponies snickered under their breaths at the comment. Probably best the Dovahkiin never know what clopping meant in their world. He'd find it creepy, or even worse... Find it hot. That was most definitely that last thing they needed. Right after Scootaloo annoying them.
"Pinkie, you did that to him... You're in charge of- OH GLORIOUS SHINING HORN OF CELESTIA I FEEL GOOD!" Pinkie forgot to mention how fast the magic special cupcakes kicked in. "Whoa... Everything looks so weird!" She started to see everything as edible sweets, and she suddenly wanted to be friends with everything around her. Oh, and her mane popped into a style similar to Pinkie's.
"I know right?!" Pinkie pulled another three from her mane, and a fourth from a nearby fillies' hair. With a single gulp, she ate all four.
"Hey Rainbow!"
"Wha-" Twilight popped out of Rarity's mane near Rainbow and tacked her.
"Your mane is so awesome! How do you dye it? Wait! It's a special shampoo isn't it? I like shampoo, especially cupcake flavor! I know what you're thinking, they don't make cupcake flavored shampoo!"
"Oh no... We got two Pinkie Pie's now." Everypony turned and looked at Twilight and Pinkie, who were now walking on each others hooves, somehow walking vertically into the air, using the others hooves as the ground. "How does that...? I don't even..."
"Dashie!" Dashie's tail shot straight outward as her pet name was called.
"Don't you start calling me that too, Twilight!"
"Buck you, I do what I want!" Twilight and Pinkie began bouncing around the remaining 'normal' five mares and the Dovahkiin, who was busy shaking his hand in front of his face while chewing on his hair as if they were trapped in a invisible box.
"Pinkie!"
"Twilight!"
"Twinkie!"
"Pwilight!" The mares eyes followed the two bouncing ponies until they began to derp much like Derpy. The only difference is they didn't immediately get noticed and made into a celebrity.
"What are you two doing?!" Dashie's question was answered as the two collided in mid air, combining the two ponies into a blob of Technicolored mess. That blob fell to the ground, revealing the two, or rather one, pony. The pony before them had Twilight's color scheme, Pinkie's hair, Morgan Freeman's voice, and the cutie mark of... Well, to this day nobody nor nopony knew what the actual British hell that cutie mark was. Oh, and she retained the horn, but had the magic of the best voice acting ever.
"SMASHING!" Hearing Morgan Freeman say smashing like Nigel Thornberry was the most amazing thing to happen to the world since the creation of cocaine. I suppose you'll just have to imagine it. That, and lucky charms.
"Sweet Celestia, you sound more manly than Flutterguy did!" The strange part, was that it was Fluttershy who just said that...
"Dovahkiin, stop licking Dashie. Sure, she tastes like skittles, but your not supposed to do it in public!"
"St-st-stahp it!" Dashie erupted into one of her laughs that made her voice crack. Dovahkiin was currently laying on his side while licking Dashie's hooves. In his eyes, they were large rainbow colored sweet rolls. Unfortunately for him, Rainbow had not washed her hooves in about... Well, ever. She was a very, very filthy creature that should be ashamed. And children, she never was.
"Dovahkiin! Dragonborn!" Fluttershy perked up once more, before remembering that Dovahkiin did not in fact mean Dragon Porn. "I have donuts for you!"
"Would you four... Er, three quit it?! We need to get on the train!" Rarity flared her nostrils and twitched her eye at the madness before her. Nopony ever figured out what her problem that day was, but everyone assumed it was because she saw Tom with Scootaloo, which would drive anypony crazy. Morgan Pinkieman Sparkle popped out of the light above Rarity and stretched her... His... Nopony knew what the actual great scott that thing was... We'll just call it a she. Anyways, she stretched her eyes and rubbed them against Rarity's head.
"Sure! Hey Rarity, you got lice. They're making a colony in there! You also got dandruff, and two ponies singing very weirdly, although interestingly."
"GET THEM OUT!" Pinkieman immediately dropped out of the street light, which disappeared to somewhere unknown. That very same street light would later help the apple in Canterlot take over, which was happening about that time. Still, that street light was never seen again.
"Okie dokie loki artichokie!" Pinkieman levitated Rarity and began violently shaking her. Without any warning, two ponies fell out of her hair, one holding a guitar and the other holding a hand drum. The six mares and the Dovahkiin backed away as the one on the left started playing the guitar and singing. The one on the right played the hand drum amazingly well considering he had hooves.
"Well I will clop 500 hours, and I will clop 500 more! Just to be the man who clopped 1,000 hours just to pass out on the floor! Ta ta da!"
"Ta da da!" The second one had now joined in, and it just seemed like they were just screaming this part.
"Ta da ta!"
"DA DA DA!"
"TA DA DA!" The two turned to each other and got right in each others faces.
"DA TA DEAH!"
"DEAH TAH DEAHDAH!" Without any warning, the two returned to their stance and the one on the left resumed singing as if nothing happened.
"Yes, I will clop 500 hours, and I will clop 500 more! Just to be the man who clopped 1,000 hours to pass out on the floooooor!" The two ponies took a bow and walked away as if nothing at all had happened.
"Well... That was weird." Everypony agreed with Pinkieman and looked to where the two strange ponies had just walked to.
"Good song though." Dashie never spoke truer words. Especially not after she became the supreme leader of Equestria and stated that she did not have sexual relations with that mare. But that doesn't happen for a long time, and has nothing at all to do with the Dovahkiin. Now that I think about it, none of this part of the story did. That's why I'm going t- hey where'd everybody go? Fine... I guess we'll continue the story next time. BRING MONEY!
Discord is a property of Inertia (Narrated by Bill Nye)
Twas a pleasant evening on hearth's warming eve and all the little fillies and colts were gathering around the-
Wrong story smart one! Now where were we... Ah, yes.
"So that's a train? I don't like it." The Dovahkiin, who had somehow sobered up from the special cupcake in the three minute walk to the train, stared at the locomotive.
"It's so useful though!" Twiman Freaky, the combination of Pinkie Pie and Twilight with the voice of Morgan Freeman jumped onto the Dovahkiin's head. "And just look at all the colors! There are more than Rainbow's mane!"
"But her mane and tail are blonde! Oh, you mean when it's dyed." Dashie immediately tensed up and backed away from the group as soon as Rarity revealed she dyed her mane and tail.
"I don't dye it, I swear! It's all natural!" Her voice cracked as she yelled at Rarity, who simply rolled her eyes.
"Just get on the train. Nopony cares that you dye your hair. I mean look at Fluttershy, she has a pure black mane!" Fluttershy glared angrily at Rarity and smiled quite menacingly.
"Girls... And Dovahkiin, go ahead and get on the train... Me and Rarity have to have a little talk." Dovahkiin, knowing a battle when he saw one, grabbed the three ponies and shoved them into his pocket.
"To Narnia!" With a rather magnificent leap, he landed in the train.
"I do say, you broke my leg!" The Dovahkiin stood and looked at the small brown and white colt, whose leg was broke into a impossible shape.
"Shut up Pip." The Dovahkiin, who knew his name just by how terrible he was, walked away from the small pony, who simply stood on his legs and limped off.
"Jolly good then, sir."
"I hate you so much, Pip." The Dovahkiin departed to the back cabin and sat on the bed, completely forgetting about the ponies in his pocket. Unfortunately for him, one of them was the most random thing to ever exist.
"HEY! There is SO MUCH food in here! Let's see... Oh, you got some really big bones in here was well... About twenty swords, five bows, a great hammer, and a drum. OOH, A DRUM!" Without any warning at all, Twiman jumped from the Dovahkiin's shoe and began to bang on the drum with a racket rivaling that of a hippie drum circle. Needless to say, the noise was so great that the conductor jumped off the train and into the middle of the Ponyville massacre caused by the angered Fluttershy.
"Pinkie P- Twili- whatever the buck you are, stop it!"
"The name is Twiman Freaky! And no, I will not stop banging my drum!" She banged the drum as hard as possible.
"By Ysmir's beard, stop it!" The Dovahkiin, having had enough, grabbed the drum from the pony and tossed it into the next cabin, hitting Pip on the head and knocking him into a rather large purple stallion with three grapes as a cutie mark. The four immediately jumped from his pocket and entered the next cabin to see the outcome.
"You bumped into me? You know what that means when you bump into a grape family member..."
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry!" Pip backed away slowly. "I honestly didn't mean to."
"Apologies aren't good enough." The purple pony stood and stared menacingly at Pip and with a rather deep and menacing voice issued his threat. "IT'S GRAPING TIME!" The purple pony jumped forward and tackled Pip much to the Dovahkiin's and indeed every pony in ponyville's enjoyment.
"I enjoy a good graping as much as the next pegasi, but we should hurry back to out cabin." Dashie flew into the air and pushed the two ponies and the Dovahkiin, who was cheering as Pip was graped, into the next cabin.
"Reminds me of my world..." Dovahkiin sighed and sat on the bed.
"People get graped there as well?" Applejack sat down next to the Nord.
"No, but we used to gather around the mages and beat them down. Was quite funny! Well until they shocked us. Anyways, we leaving soon?"
"Yes. In about a minute." Applejack fell back onto the bed and looked up at the ceiling, which had a water stain on it. Her focus on the water stain was immediately broken as Rarity came flying into the cabin, her mane an absolute wreck.
"DON'T EVER TELL ANYPONY ABOUT MY BLACK MANE AGAIN!"
"Rarity, it's rude to come in without knocking!" Rarity stood and wobbled back and forth, her mane now a collapsed mass of purple hair.
"NO! My mane!" Somewhere TAPS began to play as she tried nursing her mane back to it's usual splendor. Unfortunately, all she managed to do was pull out a few long strands. The Dovahkiin leaned back on the bed and pulled out some mead and took a small drink.
"Well, that escalated quickly. No, really. That got out of hoof really fast!" Rarity sobbed and stood slowly, still trying to nurse her mane. Good thing she didn't see the stub that was her tail, since she would probably pull an over-dramatic faint.
"Calm down, sugarcube. It's not that bad. Come with me and I'll fix it right up." Applejack stood from her bed and lead the weeping marshmallow to another private cabin.
"Well, Mr. Dovahkiin, I do say that you lightened the mood a bit." Everypony turned to Twiman, who was busy building something from two couches, a bed, and a lute that she grabbed from Dovahkiin's pocket.
"What are you drinking?" Rainbow was now right next to the Dovahkiin, glaring at the bottle as he drank it.
"Black Briar mead. Very expensive stuff- hey!" Before he even had a chance to say goodbye to the innocent and expensive drink, Rainbow had grabbed it and chugged the entire bottle.
"WOOHOO! Stamina!"
"But... I was drinking that. Do you know how thirty books make you?"
"Uh, duh! I eat books on a regular basis just to make Twilight angry."
"I'm right here!" Rainbow turned to Twiman, who had a rather mirthless look on her face.
"Oh, you can still hear me? I thought you were a entirely different pony with the best voice ever."
"No, we both share a brain. The voice... Well, neither of us know where the buck that came from. It keeps calling both of us Mr. Wayne though, for some odd reason..."
"I regret nothing!" Dashie jumped out the window right as the train started moving. Unfortunately for her, she hit exactly 88 mph between the train moving and her already awesome speed. Of course, she didn't have a DeLorian, so she was back in a split second, even though for her she had accidentally became Queen Chrysalis for a tiny bit. No wonder she still wrote the six mares so many angry letters... After Queen Chrysalis and the Changelings had been blasted of like Team Rocket, they had all landed in the middle of a Diamond Dog orgy. Rainbow enjoyed it though, so it's all cool.
"Welcome back, Ms. Dashie!" Twiman, who had already forgotten about Dashie eating her books, jumped onto the Pegasus as she flew in the other window.
"That... Felt... Awesome!" Fortunately for her friends, none of them knew what had just happened the Rainbow. Best you forget as well, since the image isn't exactly a pleasant one.
"What? My tackle? I do tackle pretty well, especially while playing hoofball! Or is that when I'm playing Cricket? That game is truly amazing! Mainly because nopony knows what the buck is going on, but that's the best part! That and the funny accents." She giggled. Seriously, imagine that. Morgan Freeman giggling like a little schoolgirl. IMAGINE IT! It's better than Inertia!
"Would you shut that fecking thing up!" The Dovahkiin immediately shot up as he heard what sounded like the voice of the Daedric prince, Sheogorath.
"Sheogorath?" He raised one brow as a dragon thingamajig that looked as if it was a failed experiment involving a plethora of animals entered the cabin. It was odder looking that a duck billed platypus. And I don't need to tell you how odd that thing looks.
"Sheogorath? Oh, you mean that funny guy with the beard! We play scrabble on Tuesdays. Quite the fun, especially when he summons that servant of his! What was his name? Haskell? Anyways, I'm Discord, positively insane one ruler of Equestria at your service. How're you doing, my dear Nord?"
"So you know what I am? Well, that helps with the pleasantries... My name is-" The train whistle sounded off as the Dovahkiin stated his name. "-most people call me Dovahkiin though. Or Dragonborn." He looked to Fluttershy quickly to see if she would react. Fortunately, she learned her lesson.
"Ah yes, Sheogorath has told me of your great tales of Tomato stealing! You're quite the legend of madness. Now, may I ask what the fecking hell that thing is?" He pointed to Twiman, who was busy eating a pillow with her eyes closed and a smile on her face. "It looks like something me and Sheogorath would create while we were drunk from Black Briar Mead." Rainbow's jaw dropped as it was revealed that she chugged a alcoholic drink. That was definitely not going to look good in her next AA meeting.
"It's a combination of Twilight and Pinkie pie with the most amazing voice ever."
"Oh... Hey, Dashie. Close your mouth, your swallowing all the air!" Discord shook his head and turned back to the Dovahkiin. "So, did you meet Edward, the talking apple from Canterlot yet?"
"I haven't been to Canterlot yet."
"Oh, too bad. It's quite the marvelous city! Well, except for all the sanity around... It's just no fun! And they don't serve enough brain pie. And there is a extreme lack of Tomatoes... You know what? Scratch that! Canterlot is TERRIBLE! You'd be better off going to Manehatten."
"Yep, you know Sheogorath."
"Discord! Hey, hey Discord! Can you make more chocolate milk rain, pleeeeaaaaase?!" Twiman smiled widely enough that her mouth actually stretched to the walls of the cabin and her eyes bulged enough to touch Discord, who promptly pushed them back into the pony's head.
"Not now, my dear. Maybe when we're in Canterlot. Wait, did I grab my things? Luggage?" He snapped his fingers, causing three large bags to fall out of the air onto Rainbow. "Check! Wings?" He started hovering in the air. "Check! Feet?" He looked down at his feet. "Check! Pip?" He looked around and saw nothing. "Now where did I put Pip? I was going to have him recover my fork from the clutches of the boring pony that hangs out by Donut Joe's shop... That guy is so boring it gives my beard an ulcer!"
"Uh, about him... He done got Graped."
"Graped you say? And I had no front row seat with popcorn holder? NOT COOL!" He grabbed Rainbow Dash from under the luggage and turned her into a Duck billed platypus.
"Dashie!" Twiman jumped over to the platypus and hugged it. "Her mane... How could you?! I had fifteen special cupcakes in there!"
"Calm down, failed science experiment... She'll be fine in a moment. Well, right after she turns into a spriggan for a moment. Speaking of which, did you know that Spriggan is ancient Equestria for REALLY ANNOYING KINDLING?! Seriously, you've fought those things in your world no doubt..."
"Yep."
"Hey, did you know that Pegasi fizzle when they come in contact with lemonade? It's quite amazing. They shriek like penguins too."
"Penguins shriek?" Discord shrugged at Dovahkiin's question.
"Everything shrieks. Everyone lies. Everything dies! Well, except for those darn princesses and yours truly. Speaking of the princesses, if held at exactly 12:00 PM and covered in jelly, a Zebra can be used to summon the Sweet roll god? His sweet rolls are fecking amazing!" All of the ponies laughed as the train started the ascent up the mountain. Well, except for Applejack and Rarity, who were busy fixing Rarity's mane in front cabin. Well, that's what they say anyways...
Meanwhile, in Canterlot castle...
"Ah, I love my throne..." Celestia sat down, and immediately screamed in both pain and pleasure. "By my sister's beard, that felt good!"
"I don't have a beard!" Came a yell from her sister, who was somewhere in the castle.
"Is this what I've been missing out on all these years? Screw that!" She licked her lips as a maid entered the throne room.
"Oh, sorry princess... Didn't know you were in here. I'll come back."
"No, no... Come here. And dance for your princess!" She laughed maniacally and sighed, the pony before her terrified out of her mind. And thus, Molestia was born.
Now, back to the train... Or rather, at the train station...
"Yes, I shall get you on the train, Dovahkiin-" The mare looked around, her nose caked with blood that she didn't clean from her trip a tiny bit ago. "FUCKING HELL, I MISSED THE TRAIN! What else could go wrong?" She turned and smacked into a large purple pony with grapes as his cutie mark.
"Oh, hell nah!"
"Oh, I apologize. If you'd just let me by..."
"Nope. IT'S GRAPING TIME!" The mare raised an eyebrow.
"Graping time? You're obviously messed up in the head, now if you'll-" Before she could finish her sentence, the purple pony assumed the graping.
"No, no! NO! DOVAHKIIN, I HATE YOU SO MUCH!"
Equestria Rock Anthem (Narrated by Consuela from Family guy)
Please, it's of the utmost importance that you read it!
Uh, no... Messer Christopher Walken no here.
You don't understand, I'm not looking for Christopher Walken! Now, please... If you could just take this paper and-
No... No.
Plea-
No.
We'll give you a lifetime supply of lemon pledge!
Eh... Lemon Pledge? Okay... Si... Si...
Thank you! Now, just start from here...
-----
Messer Dovahkiin was-
STOP! Don't call him mister Dovahkiin. Just... Just read exactly what is says. Don't add anything else! Okay?
Eh, no... Si.
---
Dovahkiin was sitting on the bed next to Discord talking about his tale of how he was transported to the magical realm.
"And so I looked into the sky and saw my Alteration skill wasn't high enough. You know, because the sky apparently tracks everybody's skills."
"It does? I never checked while I was visiting. The only think the skies do here is rain on stuff and they need help by the Pegasi to even do that! It's a disgrace I tell you... Just like that thing over there." He pointed a claw at Twiman, who was busy doing push ups on the ceiling. Not only that, but she was counting backwards...
"She does have a sexy voice though..." Discord snapped his head at the Dovahkiin.
"What was that?"
"Oh, uh... Nothing." Discord smiled coyly and whispered into Dovahkiin's ear.
"Don't worry, she likes your voice as well." Discord smiled smugly as the Dovahkiin went wide eyed.
"I... I don't know how to respond to that." Before he could look at Discord, he heard Twiman's voice.
"Shh... Don't say anything." A quick look to the right revealed Twiman to be whispering to him from inside his horned helmet.
"I feel violated right now..."
"Good..." Now, just imagine Morgan Freeman saying that seductively. Have I ruined him for you yet? No? Okay then...
"Don't worry, Dovahkiin." He looked to Rainbow, who was still in ecstasy from the Diamond Dogs. "She's good at what she does."
"WHAT?!"
"Oh, I uh... I meant... I've never liked or done anything with Pinkie Pie or Twilight." Her face was now that of embarrassment. Discord simply smile and laughed.
"Oh, really? I was there... In the closet." Everyone looked at Discord with a look of judgement. Seeing this, he shrugged and started shuffling in place. "I regret nothing."
"What are you do-"
"TWIMAN, NO!" Unfortunately, it was too late... Twiman had already initiated the reference to the song.
"EVERYDAY I'M SHUFFLING!" In split seconds, everypony found themselves on the top of the train. Discord was now sporting a fancy Afro and skin tight pants along with a pair of rim glasses. How they got onto the roof so fast, nopony knows... He's Discord. It's like trying to explain Pinkie Pie!
"Equestria rock!" Dovahkiin looked around as the voice echoed out around him. All around, despite the wind, music began to play from nowhere. Actually, if he would have turned around, he would have seen Vinyl Scratch behind him playing it.
"Everypony just have a good time!" Discord began to sing to no one in particular. Twiman poked him and whispered into his ear.
"Just go along with it."
"What?"
"Go along with it!" Discord came to his side of the train doing the shuffle. Quickly, he imitated it and started shuffling as well.
"Equestria rock is on the rails tonight!" Discord hurled his leg, which was kind of cheating since he had wings. While he did that, the beat of the music picked up.
"Everypony just have a good time! And I gonna make you lose your mind, we just wanna see you..." The music stopped, causing Dovahkiin to sigh in relief.
"Thank Ysmir that's-"
"SHAKE THAT!" The music picked up again as everypony and the Discord started dancing like they were having a seizure. That went on for about fifteen seconds.
"On the train, Equestria rock.
"Lookin' for your mare? She in my flock. Nonstop, while we up the slope.
"Flank movin' weight like she at my stop.
"Where the flank? I gotta know, we clean, ain't you? Cause I gotta know." Discord threw the Dovahkiin into the air, causing him to pull a back flip.
"Half bright, half night, up we go. Up the mountain, here we go." Discord backed away as Twiman stepped up and took over.
"Yo, we runnin' up this pike like hey yo. I got that equestrian flow, got no snow, here we go! We Equestria rock, yeah. That's the mare that I'm stalking, on the rise to the top, no dread we Equestrian!" Dovahkiin started to feel tired from the random dance. There were now more ponies on the train that what looked even possible, but he assumed it was under Discord's control at the moment.
"Equestria rock is on the track tonight! Everypony just have a good time!" Twiman stepped back as Discord chimed in once more.
"Equestria rock is on the track tonight! Everypony just have a good time!
"Equestria rock is on this track tonight! Everypony just have a good time!" Both chimed in at the same time now. Honestly, Dovahkiin didn't know what was happening... He'd rather be getting graped by Twiman than this!
"And we gonna bucking steal yo mind! We just wanna see you..." The music stopped once more. Dovahkiin knew it wasn't over yet though...
"SHAKE THAT!" Everyone started shuffling, much to Dovahkiin's displeasure. If he could go another day without seeing that dance, he would die a happy man.
"Everyday I'm shuffling. Shufflin', shufflin."
"Step up fast and be the first one to make me throw these bits.
"We gettin' honey, don't be sad, stop. Grapin' is bad!" Twiman pushed Discord to the side and took over once more.
"One more colt for us, another pound! Please give me a buck, don't mess around!" Dovahkiin began to wonder what this song was about... Seriously, it makes no sense! We just wanna see you shake it now! Now you wanna be, your clothed now!" Both Discord and Twiman stepped back, Rainbow taking their place in the air.
"Get up, get down, put your hooves up in the air!" Everypony and the Dovahkiin started doing the seizure dance again. Actually, it was a pretty awesome sight... Rainbow repeated that line for about thirty seconds. After that, everyone, including the Dovahkiin, who was now into it, jumped in.
"Equestria rock is in the house tonight!" Discord threw Dovahkiin into the air, where all of the Pegasi formed a stage in the air that Dovahkiin was now standing on. Grabbing a microphone from seemingly nowhere, he finished the song.
"Put your hooves up! Everypony just have a good time! And we gonna make you lose your mind! Everypony just have a good, good, good time!" He gestured for the Pegasi to take him higher. Large speakers were now on either side of the Pegasi stage, broadcasting the song all over Equestria. The stage was overseeing the entire country of Equestria. He could even see all the way to the Crystal Empire. "Put your hooves up! Put your hooves up! Put your hooves up! Shake that!"
"Everyday we shufflin'!" He threw the microphone of the stage, where it eventually landed on Pip, who was just getting out of the hospital after the graping incident.
The stage lowered back to the train, the Dovahkiin getting back onto it right before they entered a tunnel. Nopony knows where the Pegasi came from, since they pretty much came from nowhere. Rumors state they were all hiding in Twiman's mane, but nopony knows the true story.
---
Consuela! Would you please quit cleaning and get back to reading?
Eh... No... No... Messer Christopher needs clean house.
No, he needs you to read!
No, no...
Well, I guess that's the end of that... Come back later when Christopher Walken is finished fixing his hair.
Once again, I couldn't get a hold of Christopher Walken. That guy is one illusive bastard! Anyways, Barack Obama agreed to read it after saying, quote: "Not Bad." So without further ado, Barack Obama!
People of the nation of America, I am happy to read this story.
-----
"So, do we agree to never speak of whatever the hell we just did on the roof?"
"Agreed. So, how much longer is this trip going to take?" Dovahkiin was standing on the bed, for what reason, nopony knew. Twiman was sitting on Discord's head, between his two horns. Somehow, he didn't even notice.
"We're almost there. I mean seriously, we've been on this train for two chapters." Twiman stretched her neck across the cabin next to Dovahkiin's ear, where it landed perfectly in a construction hat. "I think the writer is stalling."
"Ugh, who? We're not in a book, Twiman." Dovahkiin pushed the pony away from his head. Discord picked the construction hat off the pony and with a shrug ate it.
"Silly, he's right there!" Twiman pointed past the Dovahkiin at Ghostwriter 95, who was drinking a glass bottle of coca-cola while typing like a mad man with his right hand. He looked up at Twiman, and whispered, while leaning in.
"So you see me? Come at me, bro. We shall party! I have alcohol!"
"See? He's talking to me!" Everypony simply stared at Twiman with a bewildered look on their faces.
"Shh, shh... They need not know of our forbidden love, Ms. Twiman."
"But... They don't believe me!"
"I know, I know... But I have power over them! You see, I have my typing hand!" All of the ponies expressions changed to that of belief. (Is that even a facial expression?!)
"Oh, we believe you... We still can't see him though." What? I only have so much power... Can't just give them the ability to see past the fourth wall!
"There you go, my dear Twiman."
"Ugh, Discord can hear us." Discord in fact could hear the conversation between Ghostwriter95 and Twiman. How awkward...
"I smell a wedding!" He appeared next to the writer on his couch, causing him to fall on the ground flailing his arms like Kermit the frog. How he was still typing, nobody knows.
"Oh, I have the most fabulous suit you could wear!" Discord snapped his finger and teleported the writer back onto the couch.
"Hey, I'm the main character of this story!"
"Shut up, Dovahkiin. I'm the writer, let me have a bit of the spot light!" Unfortunately, the writer knew the Dovahkiin couldn't hear him... Still, he told him to shut up anyways. Why he didn't have Twiman tell him, only he knew. But he will never part with that information!
"Yes, you'd look splendid in it! Here, let's go try it out..." With a snap of his tail fingers, the writer and Discord were both teleported to the train, much to everypony's surprise.
"Uh... Hey there. I like your show." If the writer could have gotten even more awkward, it would have put Snips and Snails to shame... That and that one nerdy pony that Rarity seduced in Putting Your Hoof Down. On a side note, how many fourth wall breaking comments am I going to write? How many of them will be questions? Will I ever get answers?
"Oh sweet Celestia!" Rarity began to examine over the writer. His attire was composed of a Radiohead shirt and some jeans, his face was average with a slight and mustache prevalent. His brown hair was a length to where it stopped right under his eyes and it was straighter than Rainbow Dash on the weekdays. And it was parted to the right, from the left. It looked like a straighter version of Anthony Padilla's hair from Smosh. "Your attire is TERRIBLE!" The writer stiffened as he realized he never wrote about Applejack and Rarity's hair adventure. So now there was a continuity error... Seriously, what did they do in the time from the time they finished Rarity's hair and this moment? I'll let you hate me for that...
"Yeah, I don't have many clothes. Well, I do, but I like to wear the same thing over and over again." The ponies glared at the writer with disgust on their faces. "What? I wash them every night. Least I don't go around naked like you all!" Oh, Ghostwriter 95, NO! Never say that...
"Girls, let's kill him." The ponies and Dovahkiin all converged on the writer and prepared to give a stomping equivalent to the stomp scene of Don't Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood.
"Kill me and your world disappears!" They all immediately realized that he was indeed the writer.
"Damn... Fine. Discord, teleport him back."
"Oh, come on! Stomp him! Do SOMETHING!" The ponies stared at Discord. "Fine... But you all have to agree to stomp something -besides me- later."
"Aww...." The ponies all said in unison.
"Hey, while I'm here... HEY EVERYBODY! THANK YOU FOR ENJOYING THE STORY!"
"Shut up, Ghostwriter95." The writer pulled the okay face as Discord compressed him into a ball and tossed him back onto the couch. He cried a little inside as he realized he didn't get a chance to touch Princess Molestia's flank. Oh well...
"So, do you all believe me now?"
"Yes, sorry Twiman."
"Hey, can I please go back to being the main character of this story?" The Dovahkiin's eyes were teary as he was overshadowed by the author's appearance. Discord popped through the authors laptop screen
"Can you believe this guy?" He popped back into the world and pulled flowers out of the Dovahkiin's helmet and handed them to him. Fluttershy pulled out a large pill a bit bigger than the one she gave to Philomeena.
"Here, you can take this for your butt-hurt! It's a suppository." She tossed the pill to the Dovahkiin. Unfortunately, it got intercepted by Discord who placed it into Twiman's mane for later use. Never know when you might need a butt-hurt pill!
"Hey, everypony! We're finally at Canterlot." Twiman was jumping up and down in front of the window. "Looks like the writer finally stopped stalling." Everyone sighed happily as the ridiculously train ride ended. The group stepped out onto the platform and breathed in the fresh air.
-----
Meanwhile, just now getting to Canterlot after walking, the mysterious mare that inexplicably hates the Dovahkiin was walking towards the train station.
"Getting graped hurts... Bad. I'll make you pay for that Dovahkiin! Even though you didn't do it..." Eerie music played as she walked evilly towards the Dovahkiin. Now, should I finally reveal who the mare is? Nah, I think I'll continue to troll you...
-----
It was a pleasure to read this story, citizens of, The united states, of America. God Molestia bless the United States of America.
Okay, Obama... Get on out of here. Get. Now, time to continue to magnificent search for Christopher Walken...
Mr. Cosby, can you speak English for three seconds?
Now, what is this you got here? Oh, it's a story! How nice. I wrote a story once... It was zip zibbity boop magically zapping!
See, that... That wasn't even English. Could you read it? You're the only person available right now, since Christopher Walken managed to avoid my cowbell trap.
Oh, of course, darling! Would you like some jello pudding?
No, thank you. Go ahead. but, seriously... I have readers waiting.
Squoo papa bibity dee! I get to narrative this good read? Spectacular!
Good! You agree then!
Yes, I do young man! Since you thought of me first, allow me to offer you some pudding pops!
I already- well, okay.
There you go, young man. Now, let's see what this story is all about, shall we?
-----
"Whoa, this place is nice! And it's not on an archway made from stone! Seriously, Solitude is going to collapse soon..."
"Yes, me and Sheogorath were planning that in a weeks time. Best you stray from there, my dear lad." Discord wrapped his neck around the Dovahkiin and stared him in the eyes. "Be a shame if you were to collapse with the rest of the city."
"Uh, you do know I'm trapped here, right?"
"Oh, of course you are. Sometimes I forget you mortals can't jump through time and space like I. Oh well."
"So, where are we going anyways?" Twiman pointed a hoof towards the large castle.
"There! But first, we have to make it through a labyrinth filled with strange creatures, lead by a goblin king portrayed by David Bowie in EXTREMELY tight pants." Twiman began to jump happily up and down upon coming up with the idea.
"Yeah, we're not doing that!" The writer slowly moved away from the idea. While good in nature, it was just to epic to be put in this story. Plus, that would drag this out longer than it's already going.
"Or, we could just go to the front door." Twiman frowned at the boring, but much more time efficient idea. Falling back on her haunches, she crossed her front hooves and sighed.
"Fine, but I'm not getting up." Twiman, without any possibility to do so, started levitating in air in the same position, following the other ponies. How she did that, don't ask. Never ask how Twiman does anything.
Dovahkiin observed everything around them as they made their way to the royal castle, taking everything in as he looked at it. Compared to his world, everything was so colorful and happy. So much that just looking at it made him happy inside.
"DOVAHKIIN!" He shot around at the voice that had called him. Standing before him was a cloaked mare. With one swift motion, she threw the black cloak from her body, revealing a red Unicorn mare with a pure white mane. She looked directly at the Nord, her orange eyes glowing with anger. "We finally meet..."
"Uh, who are you?"
"SILENCE!" Before Twiman or anypony could protest, the mare released a purple wave of energy from her horn, freezing time in place. Everything except her and the Dovahkiin, who had now drawn his sword.
"All right, you have five seconds to explain who you are before I run out of bubblegum." Terrible reference to old joke is terrible, I know.
"I am Erinyes, the protector of the universes. When you teleported to this world, you caused a terrible rift in time in the universe, which I have to fix. Only way to do that, is to destroy the one that did it."
"Uh, your a mare?"
"Shut up! I took this form since the females seem to have control everything and because the readers would complain I was OP if I was male. Hell, they probably will anyways! Just because I'm a mare, doesn't mean I don't have enough power to beat you!" The Dovahkiin quickly looked his foe over, immediately remembering his previous battle with Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy in the library. What could go wrong?
"We'll see about that!" Time completely stopped around the two, they charged each other with intent to kill. Or at least maim. Dovahkiin was the first to strike, Erinyes dodging quickly to the right. He smirked as he turned and bucked the Dovahkiin with the might of a Minotaur. Luckily, the Dovahkiin had good acrobatics and managed to land on his two feet, charging the mare once again.
"EXCELSIOR!" The strange battle yell managed to distract the mare long enough for the Dovahkiin to swing his sword down on her... Or him. Seriously, he is a male normally... I'll just call it a her. Unfortunately, Dovahkiin wasn't the best smith ever, so his sword hit the mare like he was using a butter knife.
"Really? You do know that I am essentially a god, right?"
"FUCK YO COUCH!" Dovahkiin hoped he never had to use the shout, but now was a appropriate time to use the shout.
"What was- ohh... crap." The mare looked up as couches began to rain from the sky, all flying in her general direction. As she began to dodge the couches, a epic battle song began to play. It was pretty much like a anime battle scene as the two began to jump onto the couches to another into the sky, battling each other along the way up.
Dovahkiin swung his sword once more, having had sharpened it at some point between the ground and their current altitude. This time, it managed to hit the mare on the hind leg, drawing a small trickle of blood. The second swing was caught between two hooves, followed by a toss further into the air. For a mare, she had extreme strength.
Neither looked down as they continued their epic ascent, since they feared to see how high they were. If you must know, they were now higher than the entire mountain. Seeing the Dovahkiin was more of a challenge than he originally intended, she slipped two metal bracers onto her hooves and jumped onto more couches as they fell, propelling herself further up.
For those of you complaining about the possibility of propelling yourself up by jumping on falling couches, remember Twiman. Is she existed, then anything was possible. Plus, this is a story that makes no sense! Anything can happen!
Dovahkiin and Erinyes swung their weapons at each other with extreme speed. At one point, the Dovahkiin dropped the sword, but managed to keep attacking with it by juggling it with his feet and hands as they spiraled out of control. Don't ask how that is even possible, but Metal Gear Solid 4 did it, so it is possible.
Finally, the couches began to stop falling, sending the two spiraling to the earth below, which was about about a three mile fall. Yes, they had actually jumped that high. Like I said, does. Not. Make. Sense.
"Die, Dovahkiin!"
"You first!" Dovahkiin grabbed his sword from the air, which was now white hot from the friction from their clash of extreme speed. Aiming it down at the mare, he went into a diving formation and began to dive faster at the mare. When she saw this sight, she smiled.
"Even if you kill me, I'll be back! This fall will definitely kill you!"
"Not exactly! I have this!" The mare went wide eyed as the Dovahkiin pulled out another special cupcake that he had been keeping in his hair. Seriously, I think the descriptions of where he keeps stuff may actually be canon. Where else is he keeping all of this stuff he carries around? He ate the entire cupcake whole, allowing him absolute control over time and space.
"No!"
"By the power of grey skull... I HAVE THE POWER!"
"WHAT?!" The Dovahkiin was now diving at a speed fast enough to break the sound barrier. The mare screamed as the sword entered through her, dissolving her body to dust. She would be back, but that had hurt her plans for now. The Dovahkiin screamed as he continued his ever speedier descent to earth. Before he even knew what happened, a large burst of energy emanated from him, across the entire sky, bringing back the normal flow of time. This even came to be known as the legendary Sonic Dovahboom.
Rainbow Dash's jaw dropped as the Dovahkiin fell at a speed much faster than she herself could ever hope to fall at. He had even managed to do his own version of her Sonic Rainboom! Everypony gasped as he neared the ground. Well, except for Discord and Twiman, who were busy buying cabbages. Their horror turned to relief as he skidded to a stop in mid air and placed his feet calmly on the ground.
"Sorry, had to take care of a small problem." Back in Ponyville, one of the stray couches landed on Pip. Yeah, that's right... I hadn't forgotten about him!
"Well, glad your safe... Who was that anyways?" Dovahkiin thought for a moment, then smiled.
"Angry filly scout. Apparently I ripped her off for a bit." He whistled as he made his way to the castle, which was now just a street away. The others, not knowing if he was serious or not, simply shrugged and followed him.
"You may have beat me in that form, but next time... I won't go so easy. I'll allow you to have some fun in this world for a bit longer, but soon..." Erinyes laughed evil in his new Dragon form as he watched the Dovahkiin from a magical orb.
---
Well, that actually went well... Thank you Mr. Cosby, it was an honor.
No problem, young man. Skip skop skibbity boop, jello pudding!
Now, back to the search for Mr. Walken... Elusive bastard. Tune in next time! Molestia will be there... And she wants to see you all.
There was a introduction to this chapter, but... I'd rather not speak of it.
We had s-
S'mores. That is all, nothing else that starts with s.
"Sweet Celestia of Equestria, it feels like we've been standing here for about a month!" Discord exclaimed, obviously annoyed at the author taking a month just to update a chapter. "Next time, at least we better be left somewhere that sells better cabbages. The ones in this city are so meh."
The group continued their ascent up the stairs to the royal castle, stopping just short of the door, before Twiman stopped then, Twilight taking over her personality. "Alright, I'm all for some fun and games, but let's not do anything to anger Celestia. She can be..." Twilight gulped, "unforgiving."
"Yeah, yeah. I've dealt with these royal types before, just sitting in their castles all day doing nothing important. I bet she was attacked by some evil villain and failed miserably while trying to fight back, didn't she?" the Dovahkiin asked, ignoring Twiman's answer as he stepped into the large hall.
"I like him," Discord shouted, following the fearless Dragonborn inside. "All these ponies are so boring. It's always 'oh Princess, you are all so mighty and I'm nothing!' Or some sort of rubbish like that."
"Yeah, nobody likes royalty. You know, I once killed an emperor, the person who rules the entire country. He died like he lived: a bitch!"
"Well, wouldn't say Celly deserves to be killed... But she definitely deserves a good-"
"Molesting?" Discord screamed as the face of none other than Celestia appeared right next to him, her pupils shrunken to mere dots. "I'd love that, but I do the molesting in here!" She laughed, then looked at the Dovahkiin, who was backing slowly away. "And who is this?" she asked, looking over his armor. "Ugh, so much armor... Let's just take care of that!"
Before the Dovahkiin could react, all of his armor was teleported away. Luckily for him, he seemed to have permanent undergarments composed of a white rag that never seemed to go away. He looked up, revealing his face finally.
"I had 300 Daedric hearts in my armor..." His blue eyes slowly filled with sadness, his brown hair falling over his face.
"Don't worry," she said while rolling her eyes, "all of the stuff that was on your armor is stored in your eyebrows now."
He reached up and touched his eyebrow. Sure enough, he was able to pull out seventeen plates, 300 Daedric hearts, 30 pieces of silver ore, and a set of robes, which he for some odd reason didn't put on. "Oh, awesome!" Before even Twiman could ask how he accomplished such a feat, he replaced everything back into his right eyebrow.
"Now that all of that is settled, shall we start with the molesting? You, the white one. Step forward!" she said, a wide grin on her face. Rarity pointed to herself with worry and confusion plastered onto her face, to which Molestia nodded.
"Uh..."
"Shh... You're perfect. That flank..." Celestia gasped, biting her lower lip. "It's so round and perfectly plump! Not too much weight, but neither is there too little weight. I'll get to you later, right after I choose more suitable partners..."
"But, I-" Before Rarity could finish her sentence, she was teleported away to Molestia's chambers. She tried to escape, but the door and windows were locked with powerful magic she could never hope to break. Back in the hall, the other ponies were staring where their friend had just been.
"Ah snap, she dead," Fluttershy gasped, her voice deeper than normal. Almost akin to Flutterguy.
"No, but she will wish she is very, very soon... Alright, next... The Rainbow one!" Rainbow, who was still awed by the Sonic Dovahboom, stepped forward.
"This gon' be good!" The Dovahkiin exclaimed, placing a folding chair on the ground which he inexplicably gained from nowhere, taking his seat on it while eating a cabbage. Discord did the same, but instead of a cabbage, he pulled out a shelf full of plates, which he happily chomped while watching Molestia.
"Hmm... Not bad, and since I'm pretty sure you're a fillfooler-"
"Dammit, I'm not a fillyfooler!" Rainbow retorted, smoke blowing from her nostrils as she exhaled in anger.
"Oh fine," Molestia rolled her eyes, "I guess I can incorporate my horn... Go get the other warmed up!" Rainbow was teleported away before she could say anything either. "And you..." She asked, stepping closer to Twiman, who could care less about what was happening. Apparently, Pinkie had taken over for her personality again. "What exactly are you?"
"I'm Twiman Freaky! As for what I am, I'm a mare unicorn silly!"
"That voice... It's so... hot." Immediately, a flash of white light enveloped both Molestia and Twiman, Teleporting them to her royal chambers.
"Well," Discord said, leaning back in his chair with a glass of chocolate milk in his hand, "that escalated quickly."
"I guess this means I won't be going home," Dovahkiin said, sighing before taking a bite into a chicken leg.
"Actually, this whole time I could have easily teleported you there," Discord said, sipping more of the glass.
"WHAT?!"
"Yeah, I could easily-"
"Did you two forget about me?" Fluttershy asked, her hoof scraping slowly across the floor.
"Go away, Flutters." Discord teleported her to Molestia's chambers, then turned back to the Dovahkiin. "Yep, could easily just snap my fingers and pop you right back into your world."
"Well?"
"Well what?" he asked, finishing the glass and tossing the rest of the milk away, where it exploded right next to a royal guard.
"Are you going to teleport me back to my world?"
Discord stood from his chair and sighed, looking at the Dovahkiin. He began to crack his knuckles and gestured the Dovahkiin to stand up, which he promptly did. Discord continued to pop every known bone in his body, before finally smiling at the Dovahkiin and preparing to snap his fingers. The Dovahkiin smiled at the realization that he would soon be free of these strange equines, back in his world where the horses just shut up and let you ride them places. Finally, Discord snapped his fingers.
In big red letters in front of the Dovahkiin, the word 'Nope' appeared large enough that he could see it from a mile away. A quick glance at Discord revealed his face to be twisted into a terrible grin, his eyes squinted and his face wrinkled beyond what you would expect of a 100 year old man that just stepped out of a 20 year bath. This very face immediately filled the Dovahkiin with extreme anger.
"Problem, Dovahkiin?"
Aright, I read it. I' pretty disappointed... There wasn't enough descriptions and you didn't even mention how my v-
Hey! There are children around.
No there isn't...
Shut up, Twiman... Anyways, I must return to Earth. Christopher Walken still must be found!
Alright, but next time... Don't spend a month just to update the story, you dick sprinkler!
Nolan North (Narrated by the Super Friends announcer)
“Uhh… Doctor, I think you messed something up,” the author said as he stepped out of the TARDIS.
“What? I didn’t do anything! This is the time you wanted,” the Doctor defended, his head poking out of the police box.
“It’s 2014. This story update was supposed to come out nearly a year ago!” the author yelled.
“Whoops, my bad. So, uh… Bye!”
“Wha- wait! Nope, he’s gone.” The author sighed as the TARDIS disappeared from his view. “My readers are going to stab me,” he groaned. However, a smile appeared on his face as he saw someone standing not twenty feet away. It was too good to be true, but it was the Super friends Announcer!
“I can help you out with your situation, random citizen!” the announcer said in his amazing announcer voice. How he already knew the author’s plight, the author would never know. Shrugging, he handed the manuscript to the announcer.
Meanwhile, at the castle of Canterlot…
“I’m going to flay you alive and scatter the bacon strips made from your body throughout this ungodly land of talking colored ponies that have an obsession with getting into shenanigans!”
“Ooh, I’m so scared,” Discord wailed as he backed away and began breathing in an almost comedic fashion. Immediately afterwards he laughed and turned into a scarf that quickly wrapped around the Dovahkiin’s Neck. Moving the part of the scarf that was his head to Dovahkiin’s ear, he whispered, “Fight me in real life, faggot.”
“Disco cords!” Dovahkiin yelled in a high pitched voice that shattered all the windows in the hall. Oh well, it wasn’t like they couldn’t put them back up in just a second; they seemed to build the stained glass windows quicker than a Twinkie gets eaten at a weight watchers meeting. There was already a stained glass window of Dovahkiin’s battle with Erinyes. Why it was erected, nopony knew.
“Oh, calm down, little kitty.”
“Who you callin’ a little kitty?” Dovahkiin said, having somehow transformed into a Khajiit from his world.
“Okay, that was unexpected,” Discord admitted. “But look at your tail. It’s so fluffy!”
“Touch the tail and I maul you,” the Dovahkiin threatened. Discord simply stared as the Dovahkiin’s tail retracted into his body and the fur transformed back into thick, cold resistant skin.
“What in the sam hell are you?” Discord puzzled.
“Me?” Dovahkiin asked as he put sunglasses that appeared out of nowhere on. “I’m the friggety fraggin’ Dovahkiin.”
“You know the story is rated teen, correct? You can curse,” Discord pointed out, obliterating the forth wall again. I’m sure that the construction crew has already given up by now.
“Yeah? Guess what?” Dovahkiin said. Discord began to reply, but found that his face was instead quickly greeted with a cake, a ton of streamers, and of course confetti. Wiping the icing away, he could see the Dovahkiin manning Pinkie’s party cannon with a large grin on his face. “I don’t care!”
“Where did you…?”
“Do you really want to ask me that? I mean, for the sake of Akatosh, I keep sweet rolls in my eyebrows. Are you really going to question as to where I kept her party cannon?”
“Question retracted.”
Both Discord and the Dovahkiin looked to their right and left respectively as all the mares appeared in a bright light. Strangely, Applejack was there as well even though she was absent for the past two chapters and thus was never taken to her quarters.
“I’ve seen some shit,” Applejack commented. One moment I was in a place, then I was in Celestia’s room. Oh, sweet Luna of the moon, the horn. It’s so long.”
“We shall never speak of this again,” Rarity commanded.
“I don’t think I can walk normal ever again,” Rainbow complained.
“Try narrating the entire thing. It was horrible,” Twiman said, her voice shaky, yet still elegant.
“Where is the Princess?!” A guard exclaimed as he charged into the lobby.
“A place,” Discord retorted.
“I’m seriously, you guys, where is she?”
“She’s not here, but I can help you,” the Dovahkiin said. ”After all, I’ve got plenty of room in my infinite journal for more quests. Not like I’m leaving her until she gets back, and in my experience she’ll want me to help her people before she helps me. As long as I don’t have to become thane…”
“It’s for the Princess’s ears only, sir.”
“I’ll hear what you need to say,” Luna said, announcing her presence in the room. She was standing at the top of the stairs, staring down at the group. The Dovahkiin hadn’t really paid attention to Molestia, but when he looked at Luna…
“Holy nugget in a biscuit, your mane is fabulous!” the Dovahkiin exclaimed in awe. Somehow, his eyes were literally sparkling.
“Special hair shampoo; here, use some,” Discord said before giving the Dovahkiin a bottle of dark blue shampoo. The Dovahkiin squeed and immediately filled his hand with the shampoo and rubbed it through his matted brown hair. Soon after, Discord created a rain cloud above the Dovahkiin that washed the product from his hair.
“Princess, there is a dragon attacking Canterlot! The guards have managed to hold it back, but I fear we don’t have long.”
“A dragon?! For the love of my sister’s fancy moustache, can nothing go right around here? Think I’m dealing with a dragon and shit; ain’t nobody got time for that,” Luna complained.
“A dragon, you say?” The Dovahkiin interrupted. Everypony looked at him I awe; his hair was flowing freely, complete with sparkles that filled the entire area of his marvelous mane. “It just so happens that I specialize in the slaying of dragons. Where is this dragon, soldier?” Dovahkiin asked.
“On the edge of the town. If you can indeed help, I can teleport you there.”
“Teleport me then, man!”
“As you wish,” the guard replied. Instantly, his horn began to glow and the Dovahkiin could feel the unmistakable tingle of magic coursing through his body.
Wait, no, he just had to use the bathroom.
“Hey, I’m still naked,” he announced. Discord grinned and snapped his fingers, applying armor to the almost naked Nord. It was a marvelous set of armor, with a rating of over 800 armor rating. The Dovahkiin could tell; it said so under it. The ability to see how much armor protected was a trait he has had since he was a young boy, following an incident with a math book.
The look of it was also something of the likes the Dovahkiin had never seen. It was made of a strange material, one that felt light but also felt like it could deflect a blow from a steroid induced orc without even taking a scratch.
“What armor is this?” he asked.
“Something I cooked up. I call it mudcrab armor.”
“Ah, that would explain it.”
“Yep,” Discord replied. With a flash of light, the Dovahkiin was gone. Everypony blinked a few times, then looked at one another.
“So, who wants to play Skyrim?” Luna asked, levitating the game case up into the air.
“I do!” everypony replied.
“Dragon smash!” the dragon exclaimed with the voice of Nolan North, the greatest voice actor in video game history.
“Ahhh! Get to the chopper!” Snowflake yelled. Apparently he had at some point joined the royal guard and had his voice changed to that of Arnold Schwarzenegger.
“I fucking love this new body!” Nolan yelled. However, his focus was attracted to a spot on a hill to his right as soon as an explosion happened. In the center of the aftermath stood a creature akin to his original form; a human.
“Yeah, explosive entrance, bitch!” the Dovahkiin cheered as he stood erect and pulled his sword from its sheath. He hadn’t noticed at first, but Discord had also replaced his sword with an improved version. What was now steel was a beautiful marble like black sword that reflected the world beautifully. However, it was as hard a steel and sharper than any sword he’d ever held before.
“You don’t belong in this world, do you? Oh thank god, I thought I was the only one! One moment I’m agreeing to like, seventy different voice acting contracts, the next I’m here. And look at me, I’m a fucking dragon! How cool is that shit?” Nolan exclaimed.
“You am not real dragon,” the Dovahkiin announced in a very grammatically incorrect sentence. “But you have the body of a dragon, so we do epic battle!”
“Dude, is this about the whole town attacking thing? I tried to tell the little equines that I’m just looking for a donut. Not my fault I’m not used to having a tail!”
“What was up with the dragon smash thing?” the Dovahkiin asked, completely ignoring the fact that he wasn’t even there to hear Nolan say it.
“If you were a dragon, would you not say that as well?”
“Good point,” the Dovahkiin agreed. “Anymellon, It’s my duty to kill all dragons, donut or no donut, awesome voice or no awesome voice.”
“Shame, we could have been awesome donut brothers,” Nolan sadly said.
“Not in this life, brother from another mother’s cousin’s thrice removed brother in law’s sister. What? I mastered in genealogy at the college of winterhold. Anyways, let’s battle!” The Dovahkiin yelled.
The two yelled with extreme loudness as they charged one another. All the guards one by one pulled out folding chairs, unfolded them, sat popcorn in their laps, while saying, “dis gon be good.”
The battle was going to be epic.
And just like that, the super friends’ announcer was gone, never to return. People would speak about his epic adventures for eons and legends would say that he still narrates to this very day. In truth, he simply went to the homeless shelter to narrate the feeding of poor homeless people.
Ghostwriter95 smiled as he watched the announcer walk into the sunset, content with the fact that he at least managed to publish another chapter of the story. A gasp escaped his lungs as a hand was place on his shoulder.
“I heard you’ve been looking for me, young man,” the man said.
