28
1,492
"I can't wait to tell you about my new school! Jeepers, where do I start? So, first day ---"
So what did happen on that first day?
Babs meets a fellow blank flank and gets her out of a tough spot. Too bad Applejack never gave her the chance to tell Apple Bloom about it.
Nice. The names are great. The accent works. You've got lots of great lines that you could use in the description, instead of what you have, which is not very intriguing and a little confusing. Like, “Always pays ta be friendly. ‘Course,” she added cheerfully, “in da city, you gotta tweak it a little. Welcome to da Broncs.”
The title implies this happens before the show episode. It's important for us to find out, maybe in the next chapter, whether this is before or after what happened in the show.
Annoying unasked-for "help":
>Cherry Blossom didn’t know where she was, but she knew she shouldn’t be here.
You can't use the word "here" in third-person narration.
>Cherry Blossom wasn’t even sure if she were a filly or a colt, because her mane and tail were cut so short. She could only see part of her face, half of which was hidden by a long pink forelock.
If her mane was cut very short, her face couldn't be hidden by a long forelock. Well, it does, but it's confusing when you see it in print that way.
>>1881530 Hi! I'm assuming you mean "bad grammar," or was that on purpose? No, Babs' grammar isn't especially good when she's speaking in her ordinary vernacular, or as she'd probably call it, "talking normal," or "talking regular." I may have taken it overboard, however.
>>1881315 Thank you so much! Thinking up those names was really fun, and duplicating accents is a nightmare, so I'm glad this went across well. Yes, those are some good suggestions, and many of them are simple tweaks, which I'll probably take care of shortly. Babs' hair, for example, can definitely be described a bit better: something like her mane and tail being very short, except for a long pink forelock, which covered most of her face, etc.
Action vs. dialogue is one of my weaknesses, and I know that. I was hoping for some critique, so I don't mind a bit. I think I can polish that up a bit, too.
Hmm. I thought it was clear-ish that it was set somewhere between "One Bad Apple" and "Apple Family Reunion." Her reference to having potential is from "Call of the Cutie," and I'd assume that the CMC passed this idea on to her. In "Apple Family Reunion," she's going to a new school, and this would have been on the first day. Still, my rule is that it's usually the author's fault if something isn't clear or doesn't get across. I think I'm a bit straitjacketed in writing from Cherry Blossom's POV. She doesn't know anything about the events in Ponyville, but maybe the two colts do, or Babs might refer to them more explicitly.
Alas, I usually do one-shots, so this is it, but I might have another, related Babs story.
Fantastic little one-shot. Congrats on the EqD feature! I didn't see any issues grammar-wise, except in Babs' speech, where it's very justified. Descriptions were short but vivid, the narration flowed very nicely, the characters seemed real, and all that other good stuff. What I'm saying is: I'm having a hard time finding anything wrong with this story.
The only two changes I'd make are both in the same sentence, having to do with how to write Babs' accent:
"I wooda never of guessed." -> "I woulda never 'ave guessed."
>>2062556 Thanks! I'm so glad you liked it. Writing Babs' speech was a nightmare, and I'm glad you think it came across ok. I think you're right about "woulda," but from what I remember, people really do say "never of guessed," and they mean "never of." Sad, awful, and true.
Reset Password
Resend Verification Email
3
3
11
Joined June 2012
1,492 ( 1,492 )
More
Less
Post Comment
Refresh
Cancel
Send