<

scoots2

Joined June 2012
86 followers

Stories (10)

  • The Sidewalks of Noo Yoke
    Cherry Blossom is new to Manehatten, homesick for Dodge Junction, and now she's lost on the way to her first day at school. Luckily for her, there's a tough talking little filly who's willing to take her in hoof.

    2,988 words · 1,790 views · 142 likes · 1 dislikes
  • Mr. Lonelyheart Meets Miss Lovestruck
    Braeburn’s met the filly of his dreams, and he’s corralled Cheese Sandwich to throw the biggest wedding Appleloosa has ever seen. He’s only exchanged letters with his intended, but he’s sure she’ll be everything he wants
    3,783 words · 497 views · 51 likes · 0 dislikes
  • Party of Two
    Cheese Sandwich is thrilled to be throwing a Hearts and Hooves day party with Pinkie Pie, only he'd prefer that it were a party of two.
    1,126 words · 701 views · 45 likes · 1 dislikes
  • It Bombed In Seaddle
    Cheese Sandwich is struggling between his Cheesy Sense and another mysterious force that keeps pulling him back towards Ponyville and its pink Permanent Party Pony. He's torn between both, but which will win? Can Pinkie Pie help?
    5,982 words · 905 views · 57 likes · 2 dislikes
  • Swear On Camembert
    4,437 words · 1,116 views · 61 likes · 3 dislikes
  • Babs and the Hearth's Warming Gift
    5,339 words · 389 views · 23 likes · 0 dislikes
  • Equestria Girls: The Looking Glass World of Cheese and Pie
    3,710 words · 497 views · 72 likes · 6 dislikes
  • The Chicken Book
    4,227 words · 875 views · 53 likes · 5 dislikes
  • Slice of Life
    7,650 words · 207 views · 19 likes · 1 dislikes
  • The Good Kind of Magic
    5,972 words · 369 views · 30 likes · 6 dislikes

Blog Posts (20)

Source

"I can't wait to tell you about my new school! Jeepers, where do I start?  So, first day ---"

So what did happen on that first day?  

Babs meets a fellow blank flank and gets her out of a tough spot. Too bad Applejack never gave her the chance to tell Apple Bloom about it.

First Published
31st Dec 2012
Last Modified
31st Dec 2012

Comments ( 37 )

#1 · 67w, 6d ago · 1 · ·

Wow, what a terrific story! You really have a knack for getting the feel of the show and its characters and settings, and you've managed to craft a genuinely endearing story of friendship! Well done!

#2 · 67w, 5d ago · 4 · 1 ·

Nice.  The names are great.  The accent works.  You've got lots of great lines that you could use in the description, instead of what you have, which is not very intriguing and a little confusing.  Like, “Always pays ta be friendly. ‘Course,” she added cheerfully, “in da city, you gotta tweak it a little.  Welcome to da Broncs.”

The title implies this happens before the show episode.  It's important for us to find out, maybe in the next chapter, whether this is before or after what happened in the show.

Annoying unasked-for "help":

>Cherry Blossom didn’t know where she was, but she knew she shouldn’t be here.

You can't use the word "here" in third-person narration.

>Cherry Blossom wasn’t even sure if she were a filly or a colt, because her mane and tail were cut so short. She could only see part of her face, half of which was hidden by a long pink forelock.

If her mane was cut very short, her face couldn't be hidden by a long forelock.  Well, it does, but it's confusing when you see it in print that way.

#3 · 67w, 5d ago · · ·

Linguo: ERROR!  ERROR!  BAD GRAMMER OVERLOAD! (Explodes)

#4 · 67w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1881530 Hi!  I'm assuming you mean "bad grammar," or was that on purpose?  No, Babs' grammar isn't especially good when she's speaking in her ordinary vernacular, or as she'd probably call it, "talking normal," or "talking regular." I may have taken it overboard, however.

#5 · 67w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1881315 Thank you so much!  Thinking up those names was really fun, and duplicating accents is a nightmare, so I'm glad this went across well. Yes, those are some good suggestions, and many of them are simple tweaks, which I'll probably take care of shortly.  Babs' hair, for example, can definitely be described a bit better: something like her mane and tail being very short, except for a long pink forelock, which covered most of her face, etc.

Action vs. dialogue is one of my weaknesses, and I know that.  I was hoping for some critique, so I don't mind a bit. I think I can polish that up a bit, too.

Hmm. I thought it was clear-ish that it was set somewhere between "One Bad Apple" and "Apple Family Reunion."  Her reference to having potential is from "Call of the Cutie," and I'd assume that the CMC passed this idea on to her. In "Apple Family Reunion," she's going to a new school, and this would have been on the first day.  Still, my rule is that it's usually the author's fault if something isn't clear or doesn't get across.  I think I'm a bit straitjacketed in writing from Cherry Blossom's POV.  She doesn't know anything about the events in Ponyville, but maybe the two colts do, or Babs might refer to them more explicitly.

Alas, I usually do one-shots, so this is it, but I might have another, related Babs story.  

#6 · 67w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1880475 Thank you so much!  Getting the feel of the show is the highest of compliments, in my opinion, so I am so glad you think so.

#7 · 67w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1881802  Well, there's my problem.  I haven't seen "Apple Family Reunion" yet, so I thought the reference in the description was talking about something in "Bad Seed".

#8 · 67w, 5d ago · · ·

you really pul this story off! i found your way of ponifying manhatten into manehatten to be excellent and the broncs makes for an interesting story peice. would like to see more into this if you feel up to carrying it

#9 · 67w, 4d ago · · ·

I've been waiting for a story like this, especially a non-dark story of Babs and da Bronx? Hell yeah.

#10 · 67w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1886832 Thanks!  I'm glad you liked it.

#11 · 67w, 3d ago · · ·

Absolutely darling. i really loved getting to see more of Bab's world. Think you'll do more?

As well, I wouldn't worry about how much you tinkered with the dialogue, it felt word perfect.

#12 · 67w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1895082 I do think I'll do more!  I've got a bunch of things I ought to be doing (who doesn't?) but I also have some ideas and I'd like to strike while they're fresh.

#13 · 67w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1896039 glad to hear it! Have you thought about writing something for the album?

#14 · 67w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1897477 Well, I glanced over and Babs is taken, so alas, probably not.  Thanks for suggesting it, though. It's nice that someone thinks that highly of my writing.

#15 · 67w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1897791 no problem, I thought of it because the story felt very similar to stuff in the album so I figured you may be a good fit. Still glad to hear you'll be writing more.

#16 · 67w, 2d ago · · ·

I must say i do loves me some babs seed story, and its nice to see her apperance in "apple family reunion" spawned another one.

great work, looking forward to seeing this progress.

#17 · 67w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1898667 Thank you!  I am a sucker for Babs, and I'm not even sure why.  Possibly that accent that everybody hates.  Who knows. Anyway, I think I've got another Babs idea.

#18 · 63w, 18h ago · · ·

Fantastic little one-shot. Congrats on the EqD feature! I didn't see any issues grammar-wise, except in Babs' speech, where it's very justified. Descriptions were short but vivid, the narration flowed very nicely, the characters seemed real, and all that other good stuff. What I'm saying is: I'm having a hard time finding anything wrong with this story.

The only two changes I'd make are both in the same sentence, having to do with how to write Babs' accent:

"I wooda never of guessed." -> "I woulda never 'ave guessed."

#19 · 63w, 15h ago · · ·

>>2062556 Thanks!  I'm so glad you liked it. Writing Babs' speech was a nightmare, and I'm glad you think it came across ok. I think you're right about "woulda," but from what I remember, people really do say "never of guessed," and they mean "never of."  Sad, awful, and true.  

Y1
#20 · 63w, 7h ago · · ·

Is this a one shot, or a multichapter? It doesn't really feel like a completed story to me, which is a shame because I liked this a fair bit so far.

#21 · 63w, 7h ago · · ·

>>2065297 It's actually a one-shot.  I've been adding a bit to the Babs-iverse, but it's more like those castle components you can buy for an extra 24.99: not part of the original set.  I'm sorry it felt so abrupt to you.

#22 · 63w, 7h ago · · ·

Amazing! I loved it especially the broncs part lol! This is amazing 10 out of 10:heart::twilightsmile:

#23 · 62w, 6d ago · 1 · ·

Yay Babs Seed

#24 · 62w, 6d ago · · ·

That was fun. I'll definitely be taking a look at your other stories.

#25 · 62w, 5d ago · · ·

>>2065448 Thank you!

#26 · 62w, 5d ago · · ·

>>2069993 I hope you like those, too!

#27 · 57w, 6d ago · · ·

Definately a fun read. Well done

#28 · 57w, 4d ago · 1 · ·
#29 · 43w, 23h ago · · ·

This has got to be my favorite fanfic of all time!

#30 · 42w, 5d ago · · ·

It's magnificent.  The descriptions are very well drawn out, Babs's character really shines, and it's got a good deal of heart put into it.  Fine piece of work, I say.  

#31 · 41w, 1d ago · · ·

>>2760090 Wow. Thanks!

#32 · 41w, 1d ago · · ·

>>2774740 Thank you!  I've meant to write more Babs--just haven't gotten around to it.

#33 · 40w, 4d ago · · ·

>>2829336

It was also my first fanfic I read, and what introduced me to FIMfiction.

#34 · 5w, 5d ago · · ·

Ok, at first, I admit, I winced through a lot of the words in Babs' dialogue at first, but I won't lie and say it didn't help me hear her voice in my mind clearly. You definitely aced that, my dear - and that's a task not many authors can do. Good on ya.

Now, regarding the story, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Very cute and sweet, with an episode-like feel to it. :twilightsmile:

#35 · 5w, 4d ago · 1 · ·

>>4066307 Yeah, I know--thanks for suffering through it.  It was a calculated risk, and tough to do.  I wound up listening to Moonstruck a lot and using the way Cher and Olympia Dukakis speak as a model. I tried to avoid it in everything except for the stories with Babs in them. Sounding like an episode is one of my favorite compliments, so thanks!

#36 · 1w, 4h ago · · ·

I liked this story! The way it ended was very interesting to me, Do you plan on writing more to this story because I think this story has a good setup for another chapter. Also it would be awesome to hear what the CMC are up to in Manehatten.:pinkiehappy::heart:

#37 · 1w, 3h ago · · ·

>>4225814 Aw, thank you!  I'm always so glad when someone reads Sidewalks. I did have a bit of Babs in the next fic after this--and I was planning to do an older Babs a bit later, only I got sidetracked by Cheese Sandwich!  But I do love Babs, and I'll probably get back to her at some point.

0 73553 226904
Login or register to comment