>>133715133715

I know, I know!

I've actually written the first six chapters, but my self editing is quite paranoid (and my second prereader appears to be a little sluggish). As soon as I get those comments (and assuming nothing major) I'll put up CH02, with CH03 a week or so after that.

Thanks for reading!

Ch02 is up. Two minor edits on Ch01: explanation on what a 'length' is (it's the body length of a typical Master) and an extra sentence right at the very end to give it a better finish.

This is definitely an interesting take... I am quite curious to see where this continues to go.

How did a story like this go unnoticed for so long?  And then show up on EqD out of nowhere!?  Looking promising so far, I like the premise, and the dialogue definitely seems to fit.  Keep up the good work!

I really hope that "Ch 2 (v49)" doesn't mean version 49... that's a lot of editing...

It looks interesting. Very interesting actually. I can't read it now, but i will certainly later. I'll try to write a review or something then.

^ This. Pretty much what I was going to say.

This sounds very interesting, you have my attention.

Okay, just going from the tags and description, I am definately going to read this.  You know why?  Because this is exactly the sort of backstory I came up with in my head the first time I ever saw the show.

What?  My first episode was Winter Wrap Up, and when Twilight said that the town was founded by Earth Ponies, I (being completely ignorant of the terminology at the time) thought "ponies from Earth?  wait... are these cartoon ponies the results of human experimentation in the far future that somehow got out of control and replaced humans, then settled down somewhere else?" I kid you not.  That was my thought process.  Then I saw the rest of the episode and facepalmed myself.

Very interesting story... I thought it'd be humans MAKING the ponies, but it's actually Diamond Dogs, as far as I know. Oddly enough, my heart was kinda constricted when I read this... meh, must mean that this is a good fanfiction...

Very interesting...  I find that I cannot wait to see what happened to Cele... I mean Fusion Pulse...

I love the clever names

Tracking this. Giving it a read because it seems right up my alley.

Holy fuck this is unique. Please please please please update.

Seems like 1984 kinda... They're obsessed with the Masters...

"...how can one mare save herself and the rest of her kind if she doesn't even know she's a slave?"

Oddly, that line reminds me of the Geth in Mass Effect. Or at least from the backstory we got on them in ME3.

Atom And Evil - Heaven And Hell

It is fantastic going from reading Fallout: Equestria fanfics to this. A perfect before story. Love the fine detail and skill in relating it, keep up the good work!

The Diamond Dogs deserve whatever's coming to them. What kind of idiot makes a nuclear device capable of feeling pain?

Wow!

You did a wonderful job setting up the universe, its people and technology.

I loved the political hints in this chapter, the setting goes well beyond cookie-cutter fantasy.

As I am already waiting for Ponies make war, Total War Equestria, New Beginnings and Misfit to update, I promised myself I wouldn't start another uncompleted story.

I was too weak, and now I must add this one to the list of story I am eagerly awaiting updates for. And from the look of it, the story has barely started...

Damn you   Luna-tic Scientist, damn you!

>>525835525835

Yep, 49 separate editing passes on chapter 2. The others only have lower counts because I re-partitioned everything after that and reset the counters...

I may be a little over paranoid when it comes to proof reading.

To everyone else: thanks for your comments and thank you for reading! Next chapter should be ready for this weekend.

>>526190526190 Haha, I knew I couldn't have been the only one to realize that about Fusion and Gravity.

I wonder if they ever will rebel against the Masters?

Yay! She lived! Obviously.

And now shit's about to get real.

>>548420548420

Bloody hell, that was quick!

You don't know how tempted I was to post a 'Brazil' ending (hero dies, totalitarian state continues without a hitch).

>>548464548464

Yeah but it's Celestia's background story, so of course she and Luna live. Although that carries unsettling implications for the rest of her people. But, I was convinced you'd go the Frankenstein route and have them revive her, and in the process kill off the mind-control conditioning. Whatever works!

>>548464548464

This is turning out pretty good. I've already formed opinions on what will happen, and the ending of this story, so I can't wait to see more chapters to see if I'm right or wrong....

Now all I have to do is wait a little longer for Chapter 6 :(

Way to !

Loved the thaumic pulse bomb, I suppose the equivalent of a EMP here, science keeps coming !

Now we have a new (secondary?) character. style!

Starting this far from the the MLP story, you could probably create origins for the oddest things in the series. Just saying!

PS.:first time using the MLP emoticons. Don't kill me if I misused them.

>>548655548655

Heh, I started writing this as part of NaPoWriMo back in september last year, before the end of S1. I've been pleasantly surprised how easily I've been able to build the show's changes into my version of the world. That's actually one of the things that makes this so much fun; that flash of insight....

Hmmm, Changelings, I wonder - they would be perfect for [REDACTED BY HIVE SECURITY].

New stuff in the show has actually made writing this easier.

>>548568548568

Thanks!

Based on my current writing rate (~1000-2000 words a week, as well as all the proofreading) it will be sometime in June.

It's a long time but unfortunately I have to work for a living . On the plus side I do get to do science!

>>529179529179

...and I've just worked out how to do multiple replies!

I sympathise (but I'm not sorry!). At last count my 'mlp_incomplete' folder contained 35 fics, including a few that died after only a chapter or two.

wow. I have no words for how great this has been so far, it's not even MLP, it's a brand new kind of sci-fi loosely based of MLP and I love it.

Wow, very interesting premise, will be reading more.

"Plasma Cascade, her cream coat and red mane appearing to catch fire in the light of sunset"

cream coat and red mane? wait a second... Fusion's mother is pony Lauren Faust!

>>552060552060

Thanks! I am curious though - what makes it 'not MLP' for you? It was written with the non pony fan in mind (I'm carrying out a single blind study on one of my pre-readers - he still doesn't know he's reading a pony fanfic...), but it is intended to be a prehistory story, so will end up at some point in Equestria's recorded history eventually...although I'll have to skip a century here or there.

>>553641553641

Thanks, glad you're enjoying it!

>>558383558383

You got me there! That was one of two clues I embedded in chapter one to let you guess the identity of Fusion...glad at least one person got it!

>>558418558418

For me it's as if you've created an entirely new series based loosely in the past of the alicorns. Celestia isn't Celestia but rather fusion, ditto with Luna. It's also a lot more deeper then the cannon show, and contains darker subjects like mind control, morality ect. It's pretty awesome.

That and I don't currently see how you could possibly link the story'es present to the currant show, I do however eagerly anticipate however you do it.

>>558474558474

Fair point, although what's in a name...

Not sure I agree on the level of 'darkness' though; the show has plenty of 'dark' even without over analysis (eg the recurrent theme of insanity/ mental breakdown, Celestia having to banish her own sister etc).

>>558578558578

Fair enough, but it is kind of presented in a child friendly way. But your right.

Very well then, I'd say your fic is a lot more 'out in the open' in that the reader can see it easier.

Uuuuh... Okay, after the second ===, Kord becomes Korn. Is this because they are 2 diff dogs? Or is it just an accident?

Nooo! NOOO~! Why would you stop here! I need the next chapter~!

Image: http://scranton.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw4496-BVqwB.gif

>>558882558882

Well spotted! Fixed that typo; I'll now go and hang myself in shame, just after I shoot my prereaders.

>>559475559475

Sorry about that (not really!). I do tend towards 'cliffhanger' or 'ominous foreboding' chapter endings .

>>561408561408

My editing/proofreading powers go beyond time and space~! I'm just that awesome.

And we see the first time Fusion/Celestia taps into the power of the Sun.  And when she realizes she is the sun, she changes her name accordingly.  It only remains to be seen what circumstances allow Gravity/Luna to do the same, and how they wield the power of their new namesakes to destroy the Masters and/or survive a coming cataclysm.  (And how it ties into the title with one of the sisters being Wasp and the other being Spider; it's literally too early to tell which could be which.)

>>548464548464 If you make a 'Brazil' ending I don't think I will forgive you.  I hated that movie.  That is one plot device that to me is unforgivable.

>>548655548655 >>550966550966 This is a great idea.  You literally have all the creative license here.  And the word Redacted is just awesome. (I've only ever seen it used in The Methods of Rationality and Portal 2.)

>>558418558418 That would be a fascinating blind study.  What does your (poor/lucky) proofreader think of the tale you're spinning?

>>550966550966

[SPOILER ALERT?]

Labour Hive  <=> Changeling's Hive.

Can't believeeee it took me this long ! They're all similar and can disguise as other ponies! Perfect Clone army/Gestapo!

The thing is, how to map to this AU their parasitical need for love? Maybe as a secret mass-control/pony-war-like psychological warfare weapon?

The possibilities are endless!

>>561656561656

Yes, things will get worse before they get better. There are several large scale tragedies coming, only one of which is obvious at this point. I won't confirm or deny the rest of your speculation, but have you considered that [REDACTED] might [REDACTED]?

Fortunately he's really enjoying it. As with most experiments there is a down side - at some point he's going to figure it out (hell, all he has to do is google the name and he'll end up either here or EqD), at which point my cover is well and truly blown. I expect him to bring it up in the staff canteen with the rest of my work colleagues.

That will make for an interesting lunch!

Brazil is a horrible, fantastic and depressing movie. I saw it maybe fifteen years ago and have not seen it since. I can still remember large chunks of it.

>>561886561886

No comment, but an interesting thought...

>>561656561656

I've always thought the name "Celestia" was an anomaly in FiM.  It's not symmetrical with Luna, and its derivation is obscure.  My personal pet theory is that she was "Sola" when she first ruled alongside Luna.  Then, after the Nightmare Moon incident she took control of both the day and night skies -- the entire celestial sphere, as it were -- and renamed herself Celestia.

But that's just me.  

Getting back to this story.....   It's very imaginative, and I like what you're doing with it.  I've got to say it's not the most accessible prose.  There's so much jargon and unfamiliar names and concepts, it's a bit of a difficult read as compared with most stuff on this site.

>>569228569228

Hmmm, there's not much I can do about the names or concepts, but I didn't think I was too bad for jargon. I had this discussion with one of my prereaders; he was perfectly OK with 'scramming' (emergency shutdown of a nuclear reactor) but didn't know 'primaries' (the big flight feathers on a bird's wing).

I'm trying to walk the line between explaining everything (which as a reader I always find slightly patronising) and hints too vague to be understood without specialist knowledge. Do you have any examples of passages that you think are particularly heavy going?

Interesting theory on Celestia's name BTW, although I suspect Luna would be a bit annoyed by the implications when she returns...

Alright, took too long but finally got around to reading the rest of this past chapter 2.

My verdict? Holy crap this is awesome! I cannot wait to read more!

I'm guessing that Celestia's extra magical moment broke her conditioning...chip? Brainwashing?

I'm getting a slight Tripods vibe from the Church and the Blessing...  And that's a compliment, of course!

Very intriguing story, so far!

Just wanted to say that... it's June!!!

Already!!! I know you (the writer) didn't promised nothing, but I wanted you to know ... we are waiting.

>>685711685711

The Queen's Diamond jubilee long weekend has been typical UK holiday weather, ie rain (only more so as we had two days off). On the plus side I did finish the chapter!

>>669789669789

Tripods?! That is old-school SF, it's been years since I read those books (I see what you mean though, there's nothing new under the sun!). Glad you're enjoying it.

More generally: is there a trick to getting the email notification working? I get mails for direct replies, but nothing for new comments.

Love this story

NOW THIS. IS PERFECT!

Good lord.

Hey, if these Ponies were created by humans.... which is my guess since I haven't read anything yet... then I believe that the Ponies

SHOULD NOT SURVIVE.                              

                                                                     ALL SHALL BOW BEFORE THE WILL OF MAN.

>>695034695034

Nah, I just want to know who this god-like being is. Reminds me a bit of Arthur C. Clarke's novels (specifically the Space Odyssey ones) and the whole Monolith thing.

Things seem to get ugly when gryphons enter the picture...In HALO lore: will they be Elites or Grunts, I wonder.

>>694157694157  Tripods? Oh yeah, I remember that series.  Definitely some resemblance here.  Good to know our beloved Fusion Pulse has become a vagrant.

Loving Random Walk and Adigard Alfgeir.

Instinct is a bitch sometimes.

Also, we now have the motivation that will set Fusion on the path to revolution.

Also also, this an exquisite sci-fi take on the origin of alicorns and Equestria in general. I'm loving every moment.

Also^3, "loosing" means the opposite of tightening. "Losing" means the opposite of winning. Just saying.

>>695481695481

Only played the 1st Halo, Grunts I think. Can't really blame the gryphons too much though, putting the military into what turned out to be crowd control is asking for trouble.

>>696190696190

Well spotted, thanks.

>>561656561656 I clearly don't view the title wasp and spider the same way you see it. I see the dogs (masters) as the wasps, and the subservient races like ponies, as the spiders. Through the "sting" of those labornet communicators, the dogs are enslaving everypony, and they don't even understand that they have no freedom. The poor brainwashed lot of them are happy to serve the masters, no thanks to their "blessing". I guess the thing that comes to my mind are those wasps that lay their egg (in this case, the labornet communicators) on a spider. The spider ends up paralyzed by the wasp's sting (in an abstract sense, they are in essence, losing their will), and are eventually consumed by the wasp larva (the ponies are consumed by their servitude to that damnable labornet communicator, following it blindly till they utterly wear out their bodies, consumed, magicless, left with no will to even live). On a side note, I simply can not separate those ominous infirmary doors where ponies go to die when they feel they are no longer useful... from the teeth of their carnivorous masters.

>>695362695362 Whachu talkin bout?

>>699214699214

Ok, I messed up the references, I meant Brutes (which do all the dirty work for the "creators") instead of Grunts (which are the small idiotic cowards that spend the whole game running away from you... unsuccessfully). The Elites are the ones that eventually join the good guys and help them save the galaxy.

Ps: you do answer your comments! Or is everyone else like this?

>>699817699817

If you knew what books I was talking about, or knew their plot, you'd understand what I was talking about. Kinda hard to understand where I'm coming from though if you haven't read any of his books :C.

Meh, I'd explain the books, but then you wouldn't want to read them (and I just woke up, so I'm not in the mood for writing a huge paragraph detailing the first 2 books...)

>>700280700280

Depends on the person; I've written (what I thought was) detailed comments for some stories and not received anything back; it's very discouraging when this happens.

I tend to reply when there is a direct question or if the comment is insightful, although for obvious reasons I won't discuss the actual story plot line... unless I've screwed up enough that people are confused what's going on, in which case you'll likely be getting a rewrite! That shouldn't happen (oh by Luna I hope not!), as I'm currently running a two chapter buffer to allow me to do rewrites without having to change anything that was actually 'published'.

All this is new to me, I've never had so many people reading my stuff (it's frankly terrifying that nearly a hundred people read this within the first day).

Anyway, to sum up: only a tiny percentage of readers comment, so anything I get, good or bad, is like gold dust.

>>700554700554 Your story is like gold dust!

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png

Now that my curiosity is piqued, what is the average chapter to chapter span on this story? I'm already following it, but I am genuinely curious.

>>700738700738

Thank you !

At the moment it's about four weeks and 4-6K words (assuming you meant time and not some other metric), and will probably remain so for the next few chapters at my current rate. Things are not that simple of course; this story has a complicated 'history'. I wrote the first 16K for NaPoWriMo last september - but that covered events a bit further on from what you've seen so far. I'm now in the process of editing it into a fit state to 'publish', and that's inflated the 16K to 50K+ (for example the scribbled phrase 'show gryphon troopers rounding up bystanders' resulted in 15K and some of my favorite bits of world building). Needless to say my long range plan is quite fluid!

>>700886700886 " (for example the scribbled phrase 'show gryphon troopers rounding up bystanders' resulted in 15K and some of my favorite bits of world building). Needless to say my long range plan is quite fluid!"

Image: http://a.deviantart.net/avatars/t/w/twilightsmileplz.png?2

So many words... You can see words within words within words!

It's so beautiful! I think you might be able to see forever!

Now that I finally caught up to the story and my interest is finally peaked I don't need to make myself stay up in the middle of the night to keep reading it and get tired alot.  It is a very interesting look on how the ponies came to be the dominent species on the planet or be at least one of those species that rule the planet after this is over.  Just like First Pony View it was like reading a story from a more scientific point of view, except you use more "big words" than the author of that story does.  There's like detail for almost everything here, and for what was happening to the characters at the time.  I eventually got used to it and I enjoyed the latest chapter here which is about the jumpy and excited griffon that caused all of this mess in the beginning, starting from the consequences of his actions that caused too much trouble for everyone else.  Now that something exciting happens, I'm guessing more exciting things will happen in the later chapters after the aftermath of this guy's actions has been dealt with and Fusion's reaction to this incident.  Keep on writing and the good work.

>>750647750647

Glad you like it (late reply is late; I don't get back here that often between updates)! You're right though, there's a certain amount of fallout to come...

>>700886700886 Twitcha, twitch! Hmm...

Looks at the date on calendar...

Looks at 4 week old comment...

Looks at author's comment...

4 weeks average between updates...

I knew my wasp and spidey sense was tingling!

Image: http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/340/711/b68.jpg

I sure do hope there's an update coming soon! Not sure what to do in the meantime...

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Luna_apple.png

>>855536855536

That really is a very bad joke...

...but to answer you question, yes, real soon now (just in the process of formatting for FiMFiction). Currently fighting with a flaky net connection while editing on a 5 year old netbook  - oh the joys of being away from home!

Worth the wait every time. Your worldbuilding is unmatched.

Think about this fanfiction yesterday and now it updates. Seems to happen to everything I read.

Well, well, well! Fusion's conditioning seems to have broken somehow... Now, I wonder if Gravity has also been affected?

>>856495856495 Probably not. I think it comes with figuring out how to convert ambient magic into heat and missing apotheosis by a hair's breadth.

In any case, fantastic work as always. Definitely looking forward to seeing how the dust settles.

Aww yeah, with a life-time of strict control the sudden removal of detriments means that every action is endorsed by the masters. Fly, Fusion, fly!

>>856472856472 Start thinking about every good fanfic out there, and you'll make everyone happy. Except maybe the authors of said stories.

>>859156859156

*mind explodes*

Crap.

>>859365859365   Noooooooooooo! I'll help you scoop it up... Here, I'll use this rag and you can use the dish towel. We'll get this stuff back in your head in no time. It'll be all better; you'll see.

Wait a minute... This stuff looks like... Muffin mix?

WHAT HAVE I DONE?

>>856008856008 Yeah... It was a pretty cheesy joke... but once it got in my head, I had to do it!

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png

Besides... My sense was dead on after all!

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Luna_apple.png

You rock though! Sleep is for the weak, and I will have this chapter read before I sleep! Onwards, to words!!!

Read, and waiting for the next chapter! Awesome story!

Oh... I so can't wait for these stupid masters to get what they deserve!!!

I am enjoying this way too much.  

>>859814859814

Brain restoration guide:

Step 1: Spread brain mix until it is a spread paste.

Step 2: Place in oven at 9001 degrees Celsius.

Step 3: Bake for a billionth of a billionth of a billionth of a billionth of a billionth (x1337 times) of a second until paste takes form of a human brain.

Step 4: Remove from oven and replace in said person's skull

Step 5: Press the Aperture Science 'reboot' button on the brain.

Step 6: ???

Step 7: Profit

Sooooo, hen will Celestia realize the 'Masters' are useing her and the 0ther ponies and do something about it?

Glorious, will there be an upraising anytime soon? Because I'm really starting to hate these Masters.

Thanks for all the comments folks, it does my heart good.

>>862169862169>>861705861705

There will be a reckoning, that's for sure, although I'll not comment on the timing...

>>860137860137

If your Pinkie sense starts up in the first week of next month it will probably be right again!

If I could put one of those gifs with the clapping guy in them in this comment, I would, but I don't remember how, so I can't. Sorry.

502 Bad Gateway

Nooooooooo!

Loving the subtle changes in Fusion. Her small burst of introspective thinking on how to kill / disable an armored Master was an excellent study in her characterization, and I would argue one of the biggest moments so far for her. You really are building up a base of characters who are incredibly varied.

Also, Fusion's speech towards the Master she convinced early in the chapter was much less groveling than in the first. The schism between pre- and post- particle accelerated Fusion has been broached on a level that's more than physical, and your execution of it was excellent.

Brief side note, but this is by far the most technically beautiful fic that I've read to date. You really are one heck of a wordsmith, and definitely a world architect. (I would link you to Neal Stephenson, both in style and approach to the material.)

Keep up the writing! Loving where the story's going!

>>863125863125 I can't remember either.

So have this Spike instead.

>>863125863125

No worries, thanks for the thought!

>>864776864776

So, no pressure then!

Seriously though, not sure what I can say to that, other than 'thank you' and the slightly lame sounding 'glad you enjoyed it.'

You are right of course; for Fusion this is the first time she realises that following her own desires is even possible. As I see it the poor mare can't escape from a lifetime of conditioning in one step, but the absence of the more overt mechanism lets her at least rationalise a way to get what she wants (everything she says is at least plausible, and the Masters know that the ponies have their best interests at heart).

Ooooooh.... fffffff..... uuuuuu....dge. I need more of this story... And I need it now~!

I'm kind of confused about what was happening but I think I get it.

Fusion thought Gravity was being attacked by a machine at first but it turned out it was a Master in armor.  The armored one called for back up which brought the griffons here or was it those other guys with that ship that everyone said it was dangerious to fly around.  Fusion, Animal, and Gravity made it to the area where the battle was fought after a griffon saw a pony escaped from him in a crafty way.  Fusion met Random and healed her a little before going after the foals, which were hiding in some sort of illusion place.  While in that place Fusion was met with some extreme force that caused her and he other kids to be in great pain, but it turned out to be that ship that everyone was talking about right?  Then she received orders to help everyone else out and that's the gist of what Fusion did in this chapter right?  Besides finding some new things that make her question the world she was living in.

>>879107879107

Not quite, you're missing a few bits. I'll reply via PM (no future spoilers, but I'd rather not post the current details 'in the clear' for folks still reading).

>>856472856472

Please think of this fic every day.

>>899850899850

You got it!

"This is not the Equestria you know and these are not your little ponies."

Pffff...oh please! Most of the fics on this site are ALREADY not the Equestria we know and already DON'T contain our little ponies!

"This is not the Equestria you know and these are not your little ponies."

Pffff...oh please! Most of the fics on this site are ALREADY not the Equestria we know and already DON'T contain our little ponies!

Icky icky up close look at a mind rape in progress. Ewwwwwww.

Lingering feelings of doubt, and seeing the Blessing for the horror it really is...

It begins.

>>10416741041674

So true

Soon... soon the revolution shall begin! Muahahahahahaha!