The Red String
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA..."
Private Exposition slapped his commanding officer.
"AAAAA...ow...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA..."
Exposition threw some water on him.
"AAAAA, I'M WET, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...."
"Stop this!" Celestia demanded. "You're the Captain of my guards! Show some dignity!"
"This week I was left at the altar for my sister and I'm being forced to marry a known terrorist! I
have no dignity left!"
Chrysalis stepped forward. "Please, I only did what was best for my subjects...”
Shining stared at the Changeling Queen in disbelief. “Publicly shaming my sister was best for your subjects? Brainwashing me and keeping me as your puppet was best for your subjects?”
“That was then. Circumstances have changed...”
“No, don’t give me that...” Shining snapped, turning her attention back to Celestia. “How could you do this to me?”
“I’m sorry, Shiny, but if the Elite get their money back, we won’t have enough budget without a massive tax.”
“Shiny... please,” Chrysalis begged. “We fell in love...”
“No, you fell in love with me, I fell in love with the mare you were pretending to be. You lied to me for months! Do you expect me to find that endearing?”
Chrysalis began crying. Celestia sighed, looking at him. "Please, Shining, try to be nice. You'll be walking down the aisle with her in a few days."
“But... I don't wanna! You can’t make me!” Shining Armor said, sounding like a foal. “This wasn’t in the job description!”
Celestia stomped her hoof. Exospeak walked up, levitating a scroll in front of himself. “All Royal Guards will be required to lay down their lives in the pursuit of Equestria’s greater good, regardless of discomfort, family, sacrifice, or dignity...”
The aide trailed off. “Something’s scratched off here...”
“That’s just something Luna and I wrote in when we took the throne as teenagers, nothing important...”
“I can make it out,” the aide assured.
“That’s not necessary,” the Princess said quickly, “It’s been repealed...”
“ And they will be required to pleasu...”
“We have copies of that, right?”
“Yes,” Exospeak said before the scroll suddenly burst into flames.
“Whoops, look at that, the scroll exploded. You’ll look into that never,” Celestia said, just slowly enough to be intelligible. She turned back to Shining Armor. “I’m sorry, Captain, but it’s for the greater good.”
“Can’t you make an exception? I’m a loyal subject!”
“I’m afraid not,” Celestia sighed.
“Isn’t there any way for me to get out of this?”
“Sure. Find another pony to marry you before the ceremony... or get Twilight to marry Cadance.”
Shining was gone in that moment.
Twilight poked her head out of the library. She looked around before slowly walking out.
“Twilight!” Applejack called.
The Unicorn nearly jumped as she turned. She relaxed to see her five friends run toward her.
“There you are! Come on, you need to eat somethin’.”
“Eat? I can’t eat! I think I’m going insane!”
Rarity walked up to her and placed a hoof on her shoulder. “Everything is going to be all right, sister,” said Princess Luna’s voice.
Twilight blinked. “What?”
“I said, everything’s going to be alright, Darling,” Rarity repeated. “But I can hardly expect you to think clearly on an empty stomach.”
“Yeah! Come on, the chefs are making breakfast hay!” Pinkie giggled
“That actually sounds good,” Twilight sighed. “Besides, I’m done with the library for now. I’ve found what I’m looking for.”
“Well, that’s...”
“Twiley!”
Shining Armor bounded into the room, landing in front of the group with a panicked look on his face.
“Shiny, wha...”
“Twiley, I’m sorry for everything I said! I love you, you’re my sister, I’ll never doubt you again, and I'll get down on my knees in front of all of Equestria to beg for forgiveness if that's what it's going to take! But please, I need your help, and I need it now!”
“Why, what...”
“Princess Celestia is forcing me to marry the Changeling Queen!”
“What?” came six equally shocked cries.
“I’m going to be forced to marry that overgrown bug unless I can find somepony else to marry! You have to help me!”
“Sure, I’ll...”
Shining Armor leapt to his feet, glancing over Twilight’s friends until his gaze landed on Rarity. “You, you seem like a high class mare!”
“Well...” Rarity blushed, flattered.
“How would you like to become the wife of the Captain of the Guard?”
“Why, I most certainly...”
“Not so fast!”
Everypony stopped and looked at Applejack, who seemed angry.
“I ain’t gonna let some high-class stallion come and take Rare away from me.”
Everypony gaped at the cowpony. She paid this no heed, she only shoved Shining Armor aside and took Rarity’s hoof.
“Rare, I’ve been regrettin’ that break-up fer too long. I loves ya, even though we have nothin’ in common and our future goals are nearly completely incompatible with each other!”
“Oh, Applejack! Even though I’ve only shown interest in stallions 90% of the time and always wanted a high-class pony, I instantly accept your offer!”
And with that, the two mares fell to the ground and began making out with great passion.
The others gaped at this sight. Shining Armor snapped out of it first, and looked among Twilight’s remaining two friends.
“You!” he said, pointing to Fluttershy. “How about you? Will you marry me?”
“Oh, um...”
“Not so fast!” Pinkie declared, knocking Shining Armor to the ground with a body check. “I love Fluttershy!”
Everypony gaped. Rarity and Applejack continued to make out.
“Fluttershy, I love you! And I want to be together with you forever!”
Fluttershy shifted. “Um... well... I wouldn’t want to disappoint you...but are you sure it’s a good idea? I mean, we’ve been friends for so long, and this could ruin it...”
“My last partner said I was great in bed.”
“...Okay.”
And with that, Pinkie and Fluttershy began making out.
Twilight, Shining Armor, and Rainbow Dash watched this scene with shocked awkwardness.
Desperate, Shining turned to the last of Twilight’s friends.
The friend who had a rainbow mane, a muscular figure, and a tomboy attitude.
“...”
Then he turned to Twilight. “Do you have any other friends?”
Rainbow Dash face vaulted. “Hey, what’s wrong with me?”
“Well, it’s just obvious you’re... into mares. And not the normal into mares that most mares are.”
“What? But... I...”
“Let me know if you find anypony,” Shining Armor said, ignoring Rainbow Dash entirely. "I need to find somepony or I’m going to to have Chrysalis as my wife!”
Shining Armor bolted down the hallway, leaving one mare angry, one mare confused, and two pairs of mares trading spit.
“...What just happened?” Twilight asked.
“Can you believe him?” Rainbow Dash asked indignantly. “Do I look like a pony who can’t be feminine?”
“...I think I’ll go get breakfast. We’ll continue this conversation never,” Twilight said quickly. Then she teleported away, leaving Rainbow Dash to huff.
Spike nervously walked through the hallways, fearing every surface and every object. How did he avoid catching these STDs? He needed to know. He had to find out.
Princess Luna passed him in the hallway, levitating a stack papers.
“Excuse me, Princess.”
Luna stopped, only half looking at him. “Yes?”
“Do you know if there’s a spell for locating germs that I could cast on myself?”
“Hm? Oh yes, one moment.” Luna mentally went through centuries worth of spells in her repertoire. She then lit up her horn and bathed Spike in her magic.
“There you are. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must be off...”
“Thank you,” he said, turning around.
What followed was several thousand tiny little green specks crawling all over his vision, infecting everything and anything it touched.
“...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Chrysalis sat in her chambers, weeping. Her love didn’t return her affections. Her pillow continued to soak her bedsheets. What was she to do now?
“I don’t understand it!” she wailed. “I only lied to him for months about everything about myself. How could he still be mad? We had our initial fight, now he’s supposed to forgive me and we’ll live happily ever after!”
Private Exposition, who was guarding her, raised an eyebrow. “Did you get all your dating advice from romantic comedies?”
“Doesn’t everycreature?” she asked curiously.
Exposition sighed. “Well, your Majesty, if you truly love him, then perhaps you should let him go, allow him to make up his own mind...”
“You’re right! I should go through with the wedding! Once he’s been married to me for a while, he’ll see how great of a wife I could be!”
“Um, that’s not what I...”
“Thanks for the suggestion, workslave! Now, polish my horn!”
“But...”
“I have spoken!”
Exposition sighed and levitated the the horn polish off the nearby dresser. He placed the polish on a rag and began moving it up and down Chrysalis’s horn. The Changeling Queen kicked back and began dreaming about her wedding day.
“It will be perfect. I’ll be wearing the greatest dress that white unicorn can make...”
“I doubt she’ll work with you after you tricked her into walking out on her best friend...”
“...Shining Armor will be standing there, tall and proud...”
“He’ll be shivering and crying because you’re about to completely ruin his life.”
“He’ll whisper sweet nothings in my ear...”
“...A moment ago you were crying that he didn’t love you. Are you insane?”
“And when we get to our wedding bed... ooh, I can only imagine...”
And as Exposition moved the rag up, the horn suddenly lit, and a large spark erupted from the tip.
Exposition stopped dead, looking at the rag, the spark, and the Queen’s lovesick expression.
“...That’s it, I’m out of here.”
Twilight slowly ate her meal, not speaking to anypony. It wasn't like she had much of a chance to talk anyway. Rarity and Applejack were placing bites of their meals into the other's mouth, Pinkie and Fluttershy, meanwhile, hadn't eaten at all. They were too busy tasting each other to pay attention to anything.
Still, the food was good, and she was starting to feel better. Now that she was immune
"You know," Twilight noted, munching on her breakfast hay, "this has such an interesting flavor." She took another bite. "They must have seasoned it with something."
"Mmph, mmph, mmph," Pinkie and Fluttershy noted.
"Thanks for this, girls, I think I feel better now," Twilight admitted. "In fact, this is quite a pick-me-up."
"...I'm feminine, right?" Rainbow Dash asked. “I mean, I can be feminine, right?”
Twilight stopped chewing, eyeing her friend. “Well... you are kind of... coltish.”
The pegasi glared. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
She held up her hooves in defense. “There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s great you’re not conforming to gender roles, it’s just... you don’t really seem all that feminine. You don’t really like makeup, or fashion, or anything like that. Ponies tend to see that as... oh, oh! Come on you two!”
Rarity and Applejack looked up from the floor, both of their cheeks turning red. “Yes, sorry about that. I do say we got a little carried away.”
“A little? Applejack was sticking her...”
“Maybe we best do this in private,” Applejack noted, pulling her marefriend away.
“Look, don’t you think you’re moving kind of fast? I mean...”
But the pair wasn’t listening. They were pulling each other up and off, towards the suite Applejack had been given.
Twilight sighed and went back to her food, while Rainbow Dash continued to whine. “I mean, I’ve dated stallions before... I think... there was... no, he was just a very stalliony mare.”
“Rainbow Dash, why are you so worried? The whole tomboy thing is you, and you usually don’t care what other ponies think.”
“I know, it’s just... well, I'd like to get a look now and then. From a stallion, I mean. All my partners have been mares... I never thought I was making people think I was a full-on lesbian.”
Twilight sighed. "Well, if you're that concerned, why not try actually having a spa date like we keep telling you to do? If nothing else, it will help you feel better."
"Well..."
“Hey, Twilight,” a sultry voice purred.
Twilight froze. Carefully, she turned to a face she had learned to dread over the past few days.
Cadance licked her lips. "How's my favorite future wife doing?"
Twilight gulped and shivered, now back to the scared pony she had been for the past day. In a flash, she placed a shield around herself. "C-Cadance... I haven't agreed to marry you..."
"Wait. Favorite future wife?" Rainbow Dash asked. "You have more than one?"
"Well, I'm sure you've thought it over," she purred, running her hoof up Twilight's barrier. "Maybe one of my spells will help..."
"I'm immune now!" she said quickly. "I figured out how to block your spells!"
Much to her horror, Cadance merely chuckled. "Well, I have my ways..."
Twilight gave another gulp and returned to her meal, desperately trying to concentrate on her food. But the pink alicorn was still there, and she could feel her eyes on her, looking her over like she was a particularly delicious piece of chocolate cake.
"You know, I've learned a lot about love over the years," Cadance said casually. "Did you know that there are special leaves and herbs that act as a natural aphrodisiacs?"
Twilight clenched. "You... are not going to feed me those," she said angrily.
Cadance just smiled. "You're right. I'm not going to do anything."
There was silence as Twilight tried to process, exactly, what her former foalsitter meant.
"You know, this has such an interesting flavor. They must have seasoned it with something."
Her eyes widened as they traveled to her fork, with a biteful of hay still hanging off of it. She then looked at Cadance, who was licking her lips expectantly.
"...I need an adult."
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Ha ha. Ha.
Cadance: I'M AN ADULT!
UPDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE!
AHAHAHAHAHA! Oh this just keeps getting better. Thanks for the hilarious reading
Shining could always feed himself to a hydra.
He'd get off easy that way.
hahahahaha!
i would post that "well, that escalated quickly" meme, but it's getting a bit redundant.
that last line=priceless!
That is all.
Look, Shining, just give it up, you're getting married to a shapshifting bug and that is all. If you don't like it, have her change into something else.
Twi, you're gonna get raped. That's it.
Spike, congrats, you've taken peek behind the veil of reality.
Rainbow... just get a sex change and be done with it.
I love this story, the fast paced if lunatic humour and the quirky funny moments and revelations of horror are what keep me reading. I always look forward to this story's updates
Bitches be crazy.
Oh dear me.
This can only continue in great hilarity.
I've actually wondered since the (Terrible, Awful, Disgraceful) Season 2 finale if
Chrysalis (The worst villain the series has introduced thus far) replaced Cadence (Tacked on for the sake of making the wedding more personal to Twilight) before or after Shining Armor (Terribly contrived, suffers from the same problem Cadence does) proposed to Cadence.
...Well...That happened...
Oh wow, twilight is doomed!
Shiny marry the bug or DIE'!!!
Spike, Raritys now taken, sorry dude :(
You know what this needs? Twilight going berserk/nightmarey.
I love seeing an update for this story!!
One question though, when Rainbow is contemplating her sexuality, Twilight says Rainbow was dancing with Soarin at the wedding. Wouldnt that be impossible? There has not been a Wedding. Yet.
Shining Armor x Zecora? Anyone? No? Okay then...
*crawls back under rock
Discord's probably laughing his beak off right now!
I am an adult.
I've got it. The best possible solution to this whole fiasco.
Have Cadance marry Chrysalis.
Shining doesn't get married to a bug, Twilight doesn't get married at all, and Cadance still (sorta) gets Twilight, leaving only Chrysalis in an undesirable situation, depending on how she feels about Cadance mucking about with her brain.
As long as nopony then tries to pair up Shining and Twilight, we're golden!
Suddenly, shipping. Everywhere.
Poor Twilight.
2518842
.....................Let me think on this. Could fit into a fic I've been thinking of.
Challenge accepted.
2518805
There is just so much win with that comment man, just so much win!
Good work on this, but now it getting a bit to idiotic. Before, I could honestly imagine all this happening, every bit of it I could logically fit into the behavior of the ponies. But now, it lost that feel, to me at least.
Also, I kinda liked the whole Cadance pairing with Twilight, but now it seems like it's only lust, makes me sad.
Run Twilight! Run far away! Go on an extended archaeological dig somewhere! Go visit the Zebrican lands! Anywhere is better then here!
On a different note, are all of her friends trying to sabotage Twilight's escape attempt? They seemed kinda pushy about getting her down to the food hall and weren't jumping to her protection when Cadence approached.
I will say that I'm impressed that Shining didn't throw Twilight under the bus when he heard that an alternative method to escape from his arranged marriage would be to get Twilight to marry Cadence.
2518585 I NEED A DIFFERENT ADULT!
2518614 Unless, you know, unless the the hydra was actually Chrysalis in disguise.
Twilight: I NEED AN ADULT!
Cadence: i am an adult.
And the hilarity continues unabated. There are no boundaries in this fic. At this point, things are so far gone I'd just say "fuck it" and set up a big orgy lol.
Silly Twilight, all the adults left chapters ago.
As per usual, the absolute ridiculous madcap tickles every fancy I have. Cadance ANC Chrysalis are made for each other here..
Shinining Armor, Lie to Chrysalis now that you have a massive hidden crush on your sister which prompts Chrysalis to shapeshift into her and Cadence would surely move in thinking it IS Twilight while the real one hides in her house, and using all her known anti-detection spell she can muster.
... Now I remember why I Favorited this fic. Its like a trainwreck, and the trains are filled with explosives and crazy.
It's getting to the point where if Shining Armor and Twilight Sparkle married each other to get out of this situation I would consider it not a Bad End.
Sadly I have doubts even that would be enough to save them.
Wow... this is the Michael Bay MLP fan-fix. Train wrecks and explosions at every corner...
2519145 Good lord, how do you have time to go through that many comments? That was nearly half a year ago!
Or did the horrible image attract you like a moth to a flame?
2519044 Soooo... Chrysalis would transform into a hydra and devour Shining Armor alive...
Dat's hot...
Poor Twilight and Shinging. Hope they figure out some way to get out of this mess. How will Dash deal with this identity crisis? How will Spike deal with the his new phobia of germs? Are Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Pinkie moving to fast into their new relationship's? Looking forward to reading more and getting the answers.
Y'know, Everyone else Is Loling about how funny the Shenanigans are and All theWhile I'm Getting Steadily more Creeped out by both Cadance And Chrysalis. Chrysalis, at least, has the Excuse of not being a Pony or having been Raised by Ponies. Cadance is Blatantly Talking about SUbverting the Will of a Pony Who she Supposedly Loves and Moulding it into a shape more Preferable to her. This Fic Rings of a Horror Fic made Comedic, to me. I LIKE Horror Fics about the Subversion of will, as they're Pretty much the Only typw of Horror stories that Actually creep me out anymore, But most of them Tell you Right on the Cover that They're Horror Stories, Instead of Camoflauging themselves with Shenaniganry. Oh well, I'm enjoying this fix, no matter how creepy it gets
Well, the humor is running in it's signature style. The humor that leaves me horrified.
Luckily, though, the story is still pulling me in more than it's pushing me out. Even if by reading about Cadance, I feel like I need an adult.
"I need an adult..." The battlecry of every single character that is even slightly sane in this story.
my gawd, how the hell did all of this happen
sorry about Rainbow Dash though, she deserved a chance
Discord: I don't know why you guys put me back into stone. You ponies make the same amount of chaos I do, but at least I give chocolate milk along the way.
You know, that scene with Spike reminds me of an episode of Invader Zim (which is ironic given this stories style).
That was quite funny but there were a few typos. The most annoying one was
I'm not even sure what Shining was trying to say there. Something about marrying Chrysalis, I assume.
Ha... that last line cracked me up. I usually don't like absurd humor but you're doing it so well. Just a little seriousness heaped with a few absurdities and watch the ball roll. Also, too funny with the Spike and germs story arc. Looks like nopony is escaping the trauma in this story.
2519236
This is basically crack humor. As in, absurd humor. Sort of the way Looney tunes would do things. If you think deeply about how Elmer Fudd wanted to kill Bugs Bunny and eat him, thus eating a sapient, intelligent being, then the cartoon seems disturbing, but if you take it at face value of hunter chasing down a rabbit that out smarts him, it's funny. Enjoy the absurdity as it's presented.
2519633
Wasn't Elmer Fudd a vegetation? Only hunting for sport?
The rest of your point, I agree with.
At this point, Shining's best option is to marry either Twilight or Spike.
My god, I can't believe I typed that with serious intent.
Poor Twilight... or is it lucky Twilight?
Ah well, all's well that ends well.
This entire debacle is fated to end poorly isn't it?
So... regarding this fic.
Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?
2520437
What? You're incoherent.
how siny i can hlep just hit this button and it will blow up the city and everytown in this contry make it a gorment free zone and you can be free.
Dang it why i didn't find that fic earlier its soo great xD Keep going, for sure i'm gonna keep eye on that one
24.media.tumblr.com/335fd1085f136438b0ca6c6a35d5e9f5/tumblr_mm3lw8xYlW1r3gomwo1_1280.gif