"Shining Armor, I'm glad you could make it," Princess Celestia said officially as the stallion in question trudged into the throne room, looking like he hadn't slept in days. "I understand life has been difficult for you, but there is an urgent matter that needs your attention."
"Of course, Princess, I live to serve," he deadpanned, sounding like he would rather be anywhere else, doing anything else.
"You might have noticed, Captain Armor, that the ratio of same-sex marriages is on the rise."
"Believe me, I noticed," Shining Armor said in a weary tone.
"I'm all for allowing ponies the freedom to love and live as they please, but if this continues, there could be population concerns. No foals being born could mean trouble."
"I see... so what am I expected to do about it?"
"Isn't it obvious?" Celestia said. "By Royal Decree, I am ordering you to impregnate every lesbian mare in Equestria. It will mean days, maybe even months of nonstop effort towards this goal, as each might take multiple attempts, but there is no other choice."
"...Youdon'tsaywell... wait a minute, won’t that cause a problem a generation later when half the eligible ponies are related to me?”
“Are you turning down an offer like this?”
“No, just saying. For the good of Equestria, I accept this task," he said, opening his mouth and spraying in the breath spray he just so happened to carry for situations like this.
"Excellent. Allow me to bring in the first mare," she said, lighting up her horn.
There was a blinding flash of white light, which caused Shining to look away. When it cleared, he looked in anticipation. Instantly his eyes widened to beach ball size, his pupils shrinking to pencil points.
"Hi Shiny!" Twilight said happily, waving.
Shining Armor turned to Princess Celestia.
"Every. Lesbian. Mare," she said with a firm tone.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Shining Armour shot up, breathing heavily. He looked around. He was in his honeymoon suite.
"Oh, thank Celestia," he said, dropping back down. "It was just a horrible dream."
Twilight draped a foreleg around him. "What was it about, Shiny?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Shining Armor shot up, breathing heavily. He looked around. Cadance, Twilight, Applejack, and Rarity were all looking at him concerned.
"Shiny, are you alright?" Twilight asked.
"...Okay... what happened before I passed out?"
"You caught me and my future wife practicing," Cadance said with a smirk. Twilight opened her mouth to protest, but decided it would have had the same effect as flicking rice to stop an oncoming train.
“Oh, this couldn’t get any worse,” Shining Armor muttered. Then his eyes went wide. “No, no, I didn’t mean that!”
The door flew open. Almost immediately it slammed shut as Chrysalis entered the room, breathing heavily and looking like she had seen an unspeakable horror. When she saw the five ponies gaping at her, she did something most unexpected. She fell to her knees.
“Please... I had nothing to do with this, honest. Just... don’t let her near me!”
“What are you babbling about?” Shining demanded. “What...”
“Oh darlings,” a voice sang from behind the door.
Chrysalis’s eyes went wide. She bolted forward and hid herself under the bed. “I’m not here!”
Before they could ask her who it was, the door opened, and five jaws dropped.
It was Rainbow Dash... but at the same time it wasn’t. For starters, she was wearing what was, without a doubt, the tackiest dress ever conceived by any equine ever. Even Applejack, who had the fashion sense of a diamond dog, managed to know it was terrible. It was pink, with hearts and flowers decorating it. A matching sunbonnet accompanied it, out of which flowed much longer hair. Hair that was styled, they noted, on a pony who hardly combed.
“Darlings!” she said, moving stiffly. “So wonderful to see you!”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“...finally!” Rarity exclaimed, rushing to her friend. “Darling, you look magnificent!”
“Darling, you look magnificent!”
“Darling, you look beautiful!”
“Darling, you look amazing!”
“Darling!”
“Darling!”
“Darling!”
“...”
“I had such a marvelous time at the spa, Darlings! Thank you, Princess,” Rainbow Dash said.
“...Uh, you’re welcome?” Cadance said, nervously.
“But poor Chryssy was so upset. She’s having, and I’m afraid that won’t do, a terrible time, Darlings. That naughty conflict is simply too dreadful to continue. So you see, Darlings, I was hoping to find her. Have you Darlings seen her?”
“Why do you keep saying Darlings?” Shining Armor asked.
Before Rainbow Dash could answer, another guard came running up. “There you are! Queen Chrysalis has ordered that you be detained...”
“Ah, ah, ah,” Rainbow Dash said, sticking her hoof to the guard’s chest. “That’s conflict. We can’t have that, Darlings.”
Instantly the guard let out an ear-piercing scream. He withered and squirmed on the floor, his coat and mane turning pink. Then, he rose.
Or rather, she rose.
“Thanks, Rainbow Dash,” the mare said in a squeaky voice. “I felt really really super-duper not-good, but now I feel really really super-duper all better!”
“Of course you do, Darlings. Now go and spread your message of non-conflict to the other guards.”
“Okay! Then I can play with the stuff in my stuffy stuff drawer!” With that, she skipped down the hall.
Rainbow turned back to the room, which was now frozen in terror at the monstrosity Rainbow Dash had become. “Now then, do you know where Chryssy... Oh my, this won’t do!”
It took a moment for everypony in the room to realize that she was looking straight at Shining Armor with a disapproving look.
“Me? What did I...”
“Stallions are simply improper, Darling,” she stated, in a regretful tone. “There'll be no place for the Darlings in our Darling new world order.” With that, she raised her hoof and drew it toward him.
Realizing what was going on, Chrysalis exploded out from under the bed. “You’re not taking my stallion without a fight!” she snarled, grabbing onto him and pulling her up against her chest while lighting up her horn. With one great burst she fired it at Rainbow Dash.
The aim was true. It struck her in the face causing bits of her to break off. A very bloody, very messy sight lay before them, with the bare bone of her skull showing through the marred flesh.
Everypony else screamed in terror as Rainbow Dash was struck.
But she didn’t flinch.
She just looked at Chrysalis as, slowly, half of her face grew back. Blood dried, then disappeared. If the observers didn't know better, it would be like Rainbow Dash was never struck.
“Darling.... that wasn’t very nice.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Chrysalis jumped out the window and flew away, screaming in terror all the while.
Rainbow Dash dropped. “Aw, the Darling got away.” But then she smiled. “But that Darling can’t hide forever! I must bid you Darlings adieu, I have some Darling business to attend to. Darling, Darling, Darling!”
With that, Rainbow Dash skipped down the hallway, singing “How I adore painting my nails!”
Silence hung in the air for a moment as the four remaining mares just gaped at the sight.
“Uh, Twi?” Applejack said. “You think maybe you ought to have done somethin’ ‘bout that?”
“Like what?” Twilight said. “Chrysalis blasted her at close range, and she shrugged it off.”
“Well, reverse it or somethin’! You’re the Princess of that miracle crud!”
“...Maybe we should go talk to Princess Celestia about this...”
“Well, if they get rid of all the stallions,” Cadance said in a sultry tone, draping her foreleg around Twilight, “Then you’d have to get use to...”
“Now’s not the time!”
Spike scrubbed the floor for the fiftieth time. Finally, after three solid hours of nonstop scrubbing, his room was finally free of germs. Finally, he was safe.
And then the door opened.
"There you are!" Sweetie Belle said happily.
Spike turned. Sweetie was indeed in the doorway, with Apple Bloom and Scootaloo. And so were the germs, spreading out all across the room.
"Ahh! Get out, all of you!"
"Sorry, Spike, but th' bottle landed on you," Apple Bloom said. "Sweetie's gotta kiss ya now."
"Yeah, so come on!" Sweetie said, coming closer toward Spike.
"No, no, no, get away! Get away!"
"Kissie, kissie, kissie!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Spike tried ducking out of the way, but Sweetie leapt onto him and put him in a vice grip, placing her lips on his cheek.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo.... hey, that actually felt pretty good!"
Celestia was beginning to wonder how much more of her flask she could get away with drinking, and if she could discreetly reach for any of the emergency ones she kept in her throne. She had already downed half of it dealing with the changelings, and when Jet Set practically banged down her door, she knew she’d need a bigger drink.
“What is this?” he demanded, holding up an Extra headline about the marriage between Chrysalis and Shining Armor.
“Well, we need to have a Royal Wedding, so we’ve arranged for Chrysalis to...”
“But Chrysalis isn’t a princess! She’s a Queen!”
“Well, yes,” Celestia said patiently, “but she will be a princess once the integration hits in everything but name. She merely insists on being called Queen.”
“Yes, that’s just it. She’s not a princess. Royal Weddings have always had a princess! That's the way it's supposed to be!"
"Well, yes, but it's really such a small change that shouldn't affect the overall feel of..."
"No!" Jet Set yelled, stomping his hooves. "Everything has to be exactly what I'm expecting or it's terrible!"
Celestia sighed, wishing she had about thirty extra flasks. "Well, what do you want me to do about it?"
"Have Cadance get married! She's a Princess!"
"But..." then she sighed. "Very well..."
At that point, Twilight and her friends burst in, all looking panicked. "Princess, something has just happened..."
"I know," she sighed. "I'm sorry, my most faithful student, but I'm afraid I must insist on the wedding to go forward between you and Princess Cadance."
"...What?"
"Oh my gosh, this is so great!" Cadance exclaimed. "We'll be married, and then we'll get a nice big honeymoon in Manehattan, and I can show you how to get real kinky..."
And then Twilight fainted.
"...Really, I'm starting to think the Sparkle family has a most peculiar medical condition," Rarity noted.
shining armor had the best dream every until twily came.
G3?! the horror!
The horror! The horror!!!
... Lads, prepare the quarantiner. It's spreading D: ~ may the season four wait time have mercy on our sanities....
We can only our sincere gratitude for you brave sacrifices.
fc00.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2011/164/2/d/rainbow_dash_salute_iphone_by_aarocka-d3iv1zn.png
.....Also, that was beyond terrifying. Truly.
Crap. Now we are all going to become G3 Rainbow Dash. The worst dressed pony every!
Best crack fic yet.
you poor thing, get some G.4 stat. Two-Three episodes at the least, however more is encouraged
You have my sympathy, my friend.
KILL IT WITH FIRE!
desktopanimated.com/img/Preview/FireSkull3.jpg rightcaresolutions.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/fire-king-228490.jpg
KILL IT WITH ACID!
inserbia.info/news/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/acid.jpg
KILL IT WITH GIANT ROBOTS!
I DON'T CARE HOW, JUST KILL IT!
Good lord, the problems just keep on freaking multiplying like cockroach bunnies!
At this rate the only solution will be some kind of alien race planetary glassing! Cause I sure as hell ain't going near any of that if it merely requires I enter that planets orbit...
That combined with everything else? Darth, I got a feeling there's something wrong with you.
This is giving me brain damage. But I can't stop. I don't want to go. But I have to. He makes me. He made me. It was his fault...He brought me here...He made me into.....I...Painful.
It hurts.
It...hurts.
It....hurts....
ITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTS
DAMN YOU SLENDER
you had to watch G3 to write this????...................my good sir........your sacrifice will not be in vain
2887559 That reminds me less of Slender and more of the Chzo Mythos games, Specifically Trilby's Notes for some odd reason.
I'll pour out a 40 in your honor. In the name of art, you ventured into realms of thought and blasphemy that would have crippled a lesser soul. I just Darling that madness doesn't Darling in for you, and you start to Darling the word Darling everyDarling. That would be Darling and I Darling Darling Darling.
Shining had the best dream, any straight male would never pass up also, considering the events and the crazy that is happening, best to marry Chrysalis already.
this should explain my opinion of this chapter well enough.
2887630 Never heard of it, though seriously, this fic hurts my eyes but it's so entertaining that I can't not read it.
When did Twilight become a princess in this fic?
G3 is only one letter away from spelling VEHICULAR HOMOCIDE!
And darling! Darling darling darl darling ling darl darling!
... Sorry, I don't know what came over me. I'll just see myself out.
(Also: did Rainbow Darling turn into some kind of Terminator at some point?)
2887381
On it!
*Casts the Armageddon Spell, Three Sphere Cataclysm and Summons War God Demonbane for good measure.*
Bruce Almighty, she's stealing people's dicks and turning everyone into lesbians! There's only one person to save us: James Dobson! Quick, we need to reinforce traditional gender roles!
Also, queens are elected!
You watched G3? I am so sorry. You didn't have to do that for us.
You brave soul.
You didn't have to do that. I'll arrange your funeral if you want g3 failed to death.
haven't laughed that hard in a long time.
AND THEN RAINBOW DASH WAS AN ELDRITCH HORROR
Huh, I'd forgotten Rainbow Dash had overdosed one what is clearly some sort of controlled substance last chapter. Let's see, if we're lucky it will wear off in a week, like the smaller dose was meant to. I wonder how many people would be willing to risk the horrible mental effects for temporary immortality?
2887754 I know exactly how you feel. Anyways, the games were are a four part adventure game series by the internet reviewer and personality Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw, and there was a part in the game Trilby's Notes, which was completely random, where everything you did ended up causing a little piece of notebook paper to pop up that said "It Hurts." It doesn't hurt (Ha) that they came before Slender and that there is a character that looks a lot, in a lot of people's opinions, like Slender.
The more you know.
Its not Rainbow Dash. Its not Rainbow Dash. Its not........AW FUCK THIS!!! *grabs gun* BANG!!!! *dead*
2888057 Wait. Yahtzee, as in the guy from Zero Punctuation? It's probably not the same guy, but the Yahtzee I've heard of does game reviews, and they're REALLY critical. He talks a little about what's good in it and a lot about the things it's screwed up, which is never a short list except in Portal- the only game he couldn't find a fault in.
First dream, Twilight was a lesbian.
Second dream, Twilight was into incest.
Third dream, Chysalis loves Shining while Cadence loves Twilight even though Shining and Twilight don't love those two back and Rainbow Dash is the greatest horror that has ever walked on the grounds of Equestria.
Oh wait, the third one wasn't a dream.
2888304 No, they're the same guy. He also has a youtube page where he does let's plays of old games like once every few months.
Darling darling darling darling darling darling darling darling darling darling darling darling
2887381
Meh, I prefer kill it with Argyl.
EDIT: This comment would be so much better if someone uploaded the first "Argyl'd"
I watched G3 as well.
Voluntarily.
It was bad but it wasn't THAT bad. And, uhm, this isn't a late April's Fools chapter? Uhm ...
EDIT: Yes, I know it was a bit of a crack fic to begin with but this seems extreme even for that.
All this...
The Aponylypse has been brought.
There is no escape from the ride from...the Royal City of Madness!
Heere's Rainbow!
*Amnesia sound effect*
RAINBOW DASH ALWAYS DRESSES IN STYLE
RAINBOW DASH ALWAYS DRESSES IN STYLE
RAINBOW DASH ALWAYS DRESSES IN STYLE
RAINBOW DASH ALWAYS DRESSES IN STYLE
RAINBOW DASH ALWAYS DRESSES IN STYLE
RAINBOW DASH ALWAYS DRESSES IN STYLE
The prior chapter was plain dumb. But this chapter appeals to me...
I blame that darling, Rainbow Dash.
2888658
OHMAGERSH!!! A Minalkra has appeared...
2888847
...
Wild MINALKRA uses FLEE.
It's SUPER EFFECTIVE.
Wild MINALKRA has escaped!
OMG, wtf have you done to Rainbow Dash!?! she's been *gasp* Raritied!?!
2888970
Worse, she was turned into G3 Rainbow Dash.
I picked a bad time to have a hang over and read this good sir
Ouch, man! G3?! Way to take one for the team!
The sparkle family: the family destined to be screwed over 6 ways til sundown.
Well... shoulda seen this coming. Rainbow Dash regressed a generation by means of OD'ing on Great Graceful Glamoring Perfume.
Y'know, I kinda saw that coming, but the fact that she was degenerating into Pokémon Speak with the word Darling just about killed me. The idea that she can apparently turn a stallion into a mare at a touch now because of the Great Graceful Glamoring Perfume... Unexpected, but I can see where it could be funny. Hopefully, it will wear off rather quickly for them, because they only got a secondhoof encounter with the GGGP. Rainbow Dash regenerating from fourth-degree burns to the face... I dunno. Bloody violence never struck me as funny (which is why Tom and Jerry will always beat Itchy and Scratchy in my book); it always struck me as unsettling and shocking. The regeneration just disturbed me; what did those unicorns put in the Great Graceful Glamoring Perfume?! For my part, I think it would have been funnier if the Great Graceful Glamoring Perfume prevented any sort of injury in the first place, because getting injured at all is remarkably un-feminine. I do hope that the effects are still only a week long, considering the overdose that Rainbow Dash applied to herself...
I would love to see Scootaloo's reaction to this generation-regressive Rainbow Dash, though~