• Published 14th Nov 2012
  • 23,199 Views, 735 Comments

Wedding Bell Blues - Darth Link 22

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It Gets Worse

Twilight awoke feeling oddly at peace despite the events of the previous day. She opened her eyes to see Spike laying on her chest, still fast asleep and breathing slowly. Her friends were still laying around her, all wanting to reprove their loyalty.

Smiling, she levitated Spike up gently, then began carefully maneuvering herself over Applejack and out of bed. She lay her number one assistant down, tucking him back in. She have him a small kiss on the forehead. He stirred a bit, but stayed asleep. Twilight felt her heart melt.

"Aww, you're such a good mother!"

Twilight tensed up at the sound she had previously thought to be comforting. She turned slowly to see Cadance standing in the doorway with a sly smile on her face. "I was worried you wouldn't be open to having kids, but seeing you take care of Spike..."

"Whoa, whoa, I didn't agree to anything!"

"Oh you will. I've been up all night... planning..."

Twilight gulped, glancing around for an escape hatch. "Cadance... don't you think maybe you're being too pushy?"

"...No. Look, I made a list," she grinned, levitating it over to her target.

Twilight took the parchment and scanned it. "...What are these?"

"Positions."

"...for what?"

Cadance blinked. "You're serious? For our wedding night!"

Twilight turned crimson red, her pupils shrinking to the size of pencil points. "W-what? B-but don't you just lay down and..."

Cadance scoffed. "Amateur move. But don't worry, Twilight, I'll teach you everything I know." She looked the unicorn over. "Everything..."

"B... but..."

"Come on," she said, licking her lips, "we can practice right now if you like."

"Now hold on!"

Both mares perked their ears up. Applejack was awake now, jumping off of the bed they had shared. The others were waking as well. Only Spike remained still, a fact that Twilight was grateful for.

"Twi's still recoverin' from this whole mess, and so are we, truthfully. We need time ta talk to her about what happened yesterday."

Cadance blinked. "Why do you need to talk to her?"

"Well... the rehearsal didn't go so well... it's really between us..." the cowpony said slowly. Even she was hesitant to reveal the truth in this instance.

"Indeed," Rarity interjected. "Perhaps you should be spending some time with a loved one as well."

"...Nah, I think I need to go shopping. Some of those positions need hoofcuffs."

"You should try elastic belts, they don't chafe as much."

The other Bearers turned and gaped at Fluttershy.

"...What?"

Cadance rubbed her chin. "That could work... Fine. We'll talk later, cutie," she said, winking. She then turned and walked out, making sure to sway her hips to tease her target.

Twilight felt her knees buckle. "I need to get to the library," she said in a huff, heading for the door.

"Whoa, whoa, hold on," Rainbow Dash said, blocking her path. "You need to be resting. Can't you..."

"I need to find a way to block her love magic. She might use it on me!"

Applejack opened her mouth to tell her friend she was overreacting. She closed it when she remembered that assuming that had been the reason Chrysalis' plans had gotten so far. "Why don't ya just go ask Princess Celestia? She might know somethin'?

Twilight sighed. "She might be too busy right now. With cleaning up after the invasion..."

"After yesterday, she better have time for you," Pinkie said. "After we..." She trailed off silently.

"Look, I told you all it's okay. I'm more worried about the sex-crazed love goddess trying to seduce me."

"What's the big deal?" Rainbow Dash shrugged. "She’s pretty, rich, a princess, and she's absolutely devoted to you. Sounds like a good partner to me."

"Yes, but I don't know if I like mares that way!"

All five of her friends just stared at her.

"...You're weird, Twi," Applejack said.

Now Twilight looked flabbergasted. "Wha... but... I..."

"Come on," Rainbow Dash nudged her. "Are you really that sheltered? I remember my first time with Gilda...”

What? Twilight shrieked.

“Come on, you didn’t notice how clingy she was? I told her it was just a fling, but boy...”

“And me and Rarity had a thing ‘fore you moved ta town...” Applejack reminisced happily.

Twilight felt her eye twitch. “But... you two hated each other when I first met!”

Rarity shook her head. “No Darling, we just had a bad breakup. Seriously, don’t you pay attention to subtext?”

Twilight’s brain couldn’t process the words for how she felt about that.

“Hey,” the cowpony said, draping a foreleg over the fashionista's shoulder, “remember that night in the southern orchid when we...”

“Now hush, that’s between us.”

Pinkie giggled, then turned back to the still shocked Twilight. “See? There has to be a mare you thought was attractive!"

"No! I've never thought about romance before!"

"Well... did you like it when Cadance kissed you?" Rarity asked.

"Gee, I don't know. I was kind of busy having a minor brain hemorrhage over the fact that my brother's fiancée and my past foalsitter was sticking her tongue down my throat!" she said, frustration evident in her voice.

"Well, maybe you should practice on one of us!" Pinkie chirped. "Oh! Pick Applejack! You two would be so cute together!"

Twilight backed up. "Whoa, whoa, let's not complicate this anymore! I'm still confused from the first kiss!"

"Aw, come on, it's not like I got any of 'em STDs or anythin'."

"What's an STD?"

The mares tensed up, and looked over at Spike, who was now wide awake and looking at the girls curiously.

“Oh, Spike,” Twilight said nervously. “I, um...”

“They’re cooties,” Pinkie answered.

“Yes,” Twilight jumped on the explanation. “Cooties. Deadly, deadly cooties!”

“...I thought you told me fillies didn’t have cooties and I was immature for thinking that.”

Twilight sweated. “Well...the cooties you thought. These cooties are... special. You can’t get them just by touching somepony.”

“Oh. Well then how do you get them?”

“Uh...uh...” Twilight stuttered, trying to ignore her friends, who were at various stages of laughter. “Just keep doing what you’re doing. OhlookCelestiaiscallingmebye!”

She was out the door in a flash, leaving five laughing ponies and one frightened baby dragon.

“Keep doing what I’m doing, keep doing what I’m doing. Right!” he said, keeping rock solid.

Finally gathering her bearings, Applejack stood up. “Well, y’all, let’s get some breakfast. Come on, Spike.”

“No, I have to keep doing what I’m doing.”

“...Spike, I don’t think Twilight meant...”

“Don’t distract me!” he yelled, then shut his mouth quickly. He was yelling. He had to keep not yelling. Had to stay still...


Celestia was quickly regretting drinking all that wine the previous night. Her head was pounding as she sat on the throne, rubbing the side of her head.

Still, regardless of her personal state the kingdom kept running, and she needed to keep on top of things. "Well then, Advisor...Exposition?"

"No, Your Highness, Exposition is my brother. I'm Advisor Exospeak."

“Okay...” she moaned in a very unprincess like fashion. “How is the progress on finding Chrysalis’s subjects?”

“About 30% of them have been rounded up. They’ve been alerted to the change of regime.”

“Excellent. And what of setting up Chrysalis’s new position?”

“Her office and sleeping quarters have been prepared. She will be sworn in in about a week.”

“Excellent,” she repeated. “Any estimate on the damages caused by the invasion?”

“It looks to be a total of one-hundred-thousand bits. Possibly more.”

“Put a citizenship tax on the incoming changelings. It was their invasion that caused this mess, it should be them that clean it up.”

“Are you sure they’ll accept that?”

“I’m too hungover to care right now.” She lifted her flask up and took a drink.

“This might anger them. They’re claiming they were unfairly represented in the last elections.”

There was a tense silence.

“Exospeak... they weren’t citizens during the last election... we don’t even have elections!”

“Yes, your Highness, that’s another thing. The changelings are starting to question the wisdom in the current government.”


“...Under my rule there’s been a thousand years of constant magical and technological evolution, universal health care, perfectly regulated weather, good education, a healthy unemployment rate, almost no poverty, a low crime rate, no war, low taxes, and any threat has barely lasted more than twenty-four hours. What could possibly be bugging them?”

“Well... an entire invasion happened and was set up right under your nose...”

“...I...they...they’re the ones that caused it!” Celestia gaped.

“Yes, and they’re worried they got away with it.”

“...What?”

“After all, you’re letting creatures that invaded the kingdom just move right on in.”

There was a silence.

Celestia levitated her flask up and took a drink.

“Your Highness, should you be drinking on duty?”

“Should you be questioning the immortal sun goddess?”

“...No.”

“Exactly. Now, what is the word on Captain Armor, Princess Cadance, and Lady Twilight?”

“Well, Private Exposition had a hard time keeping Captain Armor under control, but he found a way...”


Shining Armor laid in bed, his tongue hanging out and his eyes wide open. Private Exposition lifted the covers around him, tucking him in. Then he levitated the mug he had been drinking from and handed it to his fellow soldier. “I knew that would do the trick.”

Said soldier gaped at the sight of their usually respectable captain. He turned to Exposition. “What in Equestria was he drinking?”

“A special muscle relaxant tea I picked up overseas.”

“That’s it?”

“Well... I may have added some valium in as well...”


“Princess Cadance seems to be just fine. She was just seen leaving the castle with a spring in her step and a song in her heart. She’s just as innocent as ever.”


“With tough leather and heavy locks, this system will ensure your partner will always be with you, no matter how much they want to get away.”

Cadance rubbed her chin at the salespony’s pitch. “Hmm... I’ll take it!”


“And all of Twilight Sparkle’s friends were there to comfort her after last night. She should be in pretty good shape, as far as repairing her mental and emotional damage.”


Twilight sat in a small alcove, deep in the Starswirl the Bearded Wing of the Canterlot Royal Library. She rocked back and forth, clutching her back knees in her forelegs. “I’m in a happy place, I’m in a happy place, I’m in a happy place...”


At the last one, a wave of guilt surged through Celestia, but she suppressed it. “I see. Are there any other issues I should be aware of?”

“Yes. The Canterlot Elite are demanding their money back.”

Celestia arched an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“Well, the Elite donated a large portion of their money so they could be present at the wedding. Now that the wedding isn’t happening, they’re demanding their money back.”

“But we already spent that money on the food, decorations, and with paying for damages, the integration, and Twilight, Shining, and Cadance’s therapy bills, the Royal Coffers are going to be drained as it is. We can’t afford it...”

“They don’t care. They didn’t get their end of the bargain, so they’re demanding their money back.”

“Well, how much would we have to pay out? Maybe we can stretch the budget a bit...”

“According to our calculations, about this much,” the advisor said, levitating a sheet of parchment over to his princess. She took it and gave it a lookover.


Shining Armor groaned as he reentered the waking world. His head pounded in pain. “What the Tartarus was in that tea?”

Exposition just smiled. “Ancient secret, sir. I knew it would help you sleep.”

“Private, there’s a difference between sleeping and being drugged. Now give me a situation report.”

“Sir...Chrysalis is out of the dungeon. She managed to enter a plea bargain and get released.”

Shining’s eyes widened in horror. He lay back on his bed, putting a pillow over his face. “Why? Is there some sort of sick cosmic being out to torment me?”

Exposition shifted a bit. “It seems the changelings are going to move into the kingdom legally. Chrysalis will be taking a seat of power in the rearranged government. She’ll be second only to the princesses in power.”

“No, no, no...” the captain of the guard moaned from under the covers.

“I’m afraid so, captain.”

“...Wait...why am I so worried?” Shining Armor asked. He stood up quickly, his hooves hitting the ground in a firm stance. “It’s not like Chrysalis can force me to marry her, right? Celestia would never let that happen!” New confidence surged through him. “I’m going to go find Cadance and beg her to give me a chance. And if she says no...well, there are plenty of fish in the sea, right?”

“That’s right, sir!”

“Absolutely nothing could ruin my mood right now. In fact, I dare the universe to ruin my mood!”

Yeah, you can guess what happened next.

“Good news, Shiny,” Chrysalis said as she came in, Celestia right behind her. “Celestia has just decreed our wedding! We’ll be married in a week!”

Shining Armor’s pupils shrunk to the size of pencil points. He slowly turned to them, his mouth slowly opening in sheer shock.

“Sorry, Shining. It’s just not in the budget to cancel. You understand...”

“...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...”