“So... let me get this straight,” Celestia said, rubbing her forehead with her hooves. “You want me to let you marry Shining Armor?”
Chrysalis stood proudly in her cell. If it weren't for the iron bars in front of her, the seal on her horn, and the chains around each leg, one might think she was still large and in charge. “Was I not clear earlier?” the Queen of the Changelings responded, no hint of sarcasm in her voice.
Celestia put a hoof to her forehead. “Well, it’s just... what makes you so sure he would want you?”
“We fell in love," Chrysalis sighed.
"No, you fell in love with him, he fell in love with who you pretended to be. For that matter, you didn't... 'get intimate' with him, did you? Because if you did, I'm going to have to add a rape charge."
"Of course not! I wanted our first time to be special! And just between us!"
"Well, congratulations, you aren't completely evil. But that still leaves the question: what makes you think Shining Armor is going to want to marry you?"
"Because this is the third act! Now that my big secret is out, he'll be mad for a while, then he'll forgive me and we'll get married!"
"...Okay, ignoring how foolish it is to follow romantic comedy logic, you invaded our country! There are ponies dead in the streets! How can you justify that?"
"We needed love!"
"Then why didn't you just come in and try an alliance with us?"
"...You would have been willing?"
"Of course! Why did you think we wouldn't?"
"I've had some...bad experiences with ponies...”
Pupa Chrysalis sat on the swing set, happily humming. Two more fillies, a dark-pink Earth Pony and a powder-blue Pegasus came up to her.
"Hi there!" she said happily. "I notice you're a different species than me. Want to be friends?"
The Pegasus pushed her off the swing, and the two ponies began kicking her.
Chrysalis cried. "I'm telling the teacher!."
"Ha!" the Earth Pony laughed. "The teacher's my mom, and she's over there!"
She pointed to an adult mare... who was making out with another adult mare in the sandbox.
“Wait, why were you even attending a pony school?”
“Exchange student.”
“...Right. Well, it doesn't matter. You think just because you had a bad life it gives you an excuse? I can’t imagine the psychological damage you’ve done to my niece! Who knows what tortured thoughts she's thinking right now?"
Cadance happily continued her list. “Let’s see,” she inked her quill. “Donkey Punch, the Cloudsdale Steamer, the Fillydelphia Twist... does Twilight’s hind leg reach up that high? Eh, it will when I’m done with her.”
“I don't know, but regardless, I think you're going to let me out and accept my terms,” she said firmly, as if she were an honest delegator and not a prisoner being interrogated.
"That you still want to marry Shining Armor, and now I'm guessing you want your subjects integrated into mine."
"Indeed."
Celestia rubbed her temples. You get cake after this, Celly, just stay calm. “What do you expect me to do? Do you think the ponies will accept you now?”
“Maybe... if I set up more idiot balls around the kingdom...”
“Wait, what?”
Chrysalis just sighed. Then her eyes went wide, and she let out a few short breaths. Finally, a green orb came out of her mouth. Using her magic, she levitated it up.
“This ball emits waves that cause a pony’s intelligence to lower while in proximity of it.”
“And... you’ve had them all over the castle?”
“You haven’t noticed?”
”I’m telling you, something is weird about Cadance."
"Aw, Twi, you're just seeing things," Applejack dismissed. "She's awfully nice."
"You there!" Chrysalis-as-Cadance yelled, entering the room with an apple tart in her hoof. "I asked for no cinnamon in these things!" She shoved the hot tart into Applejack's eye. "Can't you do anything right!" She magically grabbed Applejack's head and violently slammed it on the table several times. "Learn to do something right, you Celestia-damned dirt pony!"
Chrysalis stormed off. After a minute, Applejack lifted her head up, her right eye now red and watering, her left now black and swollen. Her muzzle was broken, and one of her teeth had been knocked out, letting blood run down her face.
"See? Perfectly nice."
Celestia blinked.
"Twilight managed to fend it off thanks to her natural magic field... for awhile, anyway. She still cracked when she tried to call me out."
"Then why didn't my magic field protect me... oh wait..."
"So you see, Aunt Celestia," Chrysalis as Cadance said, tapping her chart with the pointer. "In order to best optimize Canterlot's safety, you need to move the entire capital exactly one inch to the north, and it needs to be done now."
"Well... Using that much magic would leave me completely vulnerable to attack, but since Shining Armor's shield would be up, I see no reason not to do it.”
"...Wow, you're good."
"Thank you," Chrysalis said, sounding sincere.
Celestia couldn't believe it. This explained everything. Why they had all not noticed the obvious differences between Cadance and her impostor, why they had so coldly ignored Twilight. I mean, honestly, looking back on the last few days, it was like Twilight was the only sane pony in the kingdom.
"Seriously though, I can't just make my little ponies just accept you."
"...I'll tell you what. I'll turn this whole thing around if you let me marry Shining Armor."
"Well, he'll have to say yes, but if you honestly get every single pony on your side, I'll give the union my blessing."
Ordinarily most ponies in Canterlot would be in bed at midnight, but this night was different. Since the invasion, a mob of ponies had gathered in the courtyard, each crying out for Chrysalis's blood.
Celestia stepped onto the balcony, and the roar got louder. Cries for the noose, the chopping block, the Thingy (don't ask... Luna could get pretty creative with the sentencings, but she couldn't come up with names) all echoed throughout.
So it spoke a good deal of the respect Celestia commanded that she got the roars to die down just by clearing her throat.
"My little ponies, I am allowing Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings, to say a few words on her own behalf. Please allow her to speak."
When silence followed her declaration, she stepped back and allowed Chrysalis to step forward. Even with several guards keeping their weapons on her and a thousand death glares from the ponies below, she still managed to keep her composure.
She cleared her throat and began. "I would like to apologize for all my actions. I would also state... that this is not my true form."
This elicited a few murmurs from the crowd and a raised eyebrow from Celestia.
"You see, we changelings are nothing more than ponies who were transformed long ago by... (blast, what was his name?)... Discord! Yes, originally, I was an alicorn..."
Her green glowing energy surrounded her as she cast her transformation magic. "...and before Discord got a hold of me, I looked like this."
What Chrysalis transformed into cannot be described. The beauty of it was just far too great for any writer to put into print, regardless of how skilled. Needless to say, the ponies were mesmerized at the sight. Soon, a series of voices echoed out from the crowd.
"I forgive her!"
"She's just misunderstood!"
"It's Daddy's fault he didn't want to die!"
"You know what would look good with that? Leather pants."
Smiling smugly, Chrysalis reverted back to herself. "I'm hoping you'll forgive our desperate actions and welcome my subjects into your society!"
There was a massive cheer.
Chrysalis turned back to Celestia, who was just gaping. "Yes, everything is going to be fine," she said smugly.
The guard took her off. She would still have to stay in the dungeon a night before all the paperwork could be authorized for her release.
Celestia stood there in shock for several minutes before a servant came up to her with a bottle of wine and a glass. "A drink, your Highness?"
The Princess grabbed the bottle and downed it. It was going to be a long night.
There's an old saying: dying is easy, comedy is hard. I never really appreciated it until right now.
I was stuck for ideas here. I have a lot planned out, but I was stuck for jokes on the initial conversation between Chrysalis and Celestia. Again, I rejected a few gags for being too mean, but I think the overall chapter turned out okay.
BTW, the Editor's Note gag? Don't get used to it. This will probably be the only chapter with that gag in it.
Meta-humour can be just downright horrible. You sir, managed to pull it off. For that, I take of my hat to you.
Well, you've done comedy right. I was laughing my ass off the whole time. I love this. And I'm kinda glad there won't be more editor's notes.
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I almost died atthe end of this chapter.
I declare Mary Sue! Chrysalis is cheating and I declare bull s-but some apples-!
"No matter what I may do... whether I kick a kitten, tear off your ears, even slaughter innocent people... the world will never cease to forgive my actions. Why, you ask? Why, it is because I am beautiful!"
Meh, whether or not Twilight's friends should have listened to her pretty much unfounded accusations is an argument I don't really want to get into. But I did like the idea of Chrysalis being worse at disguise than canon, wandering around being a sociopath and everyone just accepting it thanks to "Idiot Balls."
1738968
This? This right here? I lost my shit.
1740718
No no no, she's wearing Leather Pants.
Chrysalis' true form of indescribable beauty:
i871.photobucket.com/albums/ab272/pokemon_university/sublime.png
(Alondro refuses to accept any responsiblity for aneurysms and/or suicide resulting from the viewing of this image.)
I really hate to see the story develop like this. Talking to the reader is awkward, the idiot balls don't actually explain anything, and no one seems to care that ponies died. You seem to be just chaining together things you think are funny instead of building your humor upon the funny premise you've already established. It could have been much funnier if you had the humor derive naturally from the characters' messed-up relationships. At least About Last Night is still okay... but this story's development makes me worry about your others.
1741061
I wouldn't worry about my other fics, only this one is going to be off the wall. If you don't like it, that's fine, the others will be different.
And yeah, this chapter's kind of disconnected, but I was strapped for ideas for it. Next chapter will be building up more, I just needed to establish how Chrysalis was staying out of jail first.
I lol'd. This was funny, just as expected. Good show, good show! I particularly liked the 'idiot sphere' idea. And Celestia chugging the bottle at the end.
Oh and your editor deserves a sandwich for being so awesome. Or at least a moustache.
...
I think I felt my brain just implode.
1741061 I do have to agree with this guy, though; the chapter was funny, but the wrong sort of funny compared to the first two chapters.
I'm guessing the magic making the ponies dumber hasn't quite worn off yet.
1741163
I was actually sympathetic to Chrysalis until she beat AJ's face in and knocked out a few teeth.
Now I kinda want Shiny to kick her to the curb with his own version of Bucky and Kicks.
Lets she how she likes loosing a few of her own teeth...
1741020 wait a minute..............
1742174 Thank Teamfourstar and their DBZ: Abridged series. I never would have thought to look for that pic without them!
1741020 e621.net/data/a1/10/a1109cd785fc23829cca4a071beabe4b.jpg?1312755330
looks like twi and celestia might be the only sane mares when this is all said and done
>Chrysalis - Saving herself for her wedding night.
>Cadence - Unashamed, unapologetic horndog.
I have no complaints.
I changed my mind. The amount of even-ing possible by me is less than I thought.
And yet, I was still greatly amused.
Quality's declined. Humour was good at first, and the premise was great, but now it's just sociopathy and randomness that I'd expect from a comdey abridged anime.
... you kinda turned a funny / semi-romantic shipfic into a hatefic in a single chapter...
it's still well written, I just don't like hatefics... and I really enjoyed the season finale. I think your first 2 chapters would have been such an amazing alternative ending, I even love naughty Candence
But the third chapter seems to focus only on random humor and not the story anymore...
Ahwell... how the story goes on is the choice of the writer, so just do what is the most fun to write
1741318
And I agree with this. Mostly the nonchalant attitude towards death and dead ponies. To me, it takes the humor away.
On another note, I've been meaning to say, Darth Link 22, there is a strange sort of irony in the fact that you are the same author that brought me/us "Post Nuptials." (I mean that in a good/crazy way. I did like the first two chapters of this story, and this had some funny parts, but I think this chapter was too "hateful," as another commenter said). From the writer who brought you the most complete, well-written, and heartwarming conclusion to the events of the Canterlot Wedding and the mending of friendships that must come after (that I have ever seen, at least), comes THIS crazy, wacked out, somewhat horrifying parody of the events following the wedding.
So yeah, that just happened, I guess.
[Editor's Note: We regret that we forgot to mention that defender2222 also used the horridness of A Canterlot Wedding to write his own story that involved an OC with metal wings and Twilight Sparkle ripping off Robert Downey Jr. Clearly, A Canterlot Wedding is pure evil and should be taken behind a shed and shot.]
As soon as I read leather pants, it made me think of this:
1741020 MY EYES!
1746744 Muwah ha ha ha!
1746722 Me too. Also best line has to be "I guess I had nothing better to do anyway."
There are two obvious comedy tropes here. One is painfullynaieve!Twilight and the other is nympho!Cadence (the latter used almost to the point of self-parody in "The God Squad"). However, I'm hoping that you'll continue to use Celestia as "The Token Sane One". It would be great to have at least one horrified objective POV who realises just how sick and wrong all of this is and can't get drunk fast enough to block out the sheer horror of it.
1743647
Well, like I said, I was burned out for this chapter. The rest will be more structured.
1744335
It's not really a hate fic...
Anyway, it's important to the story that Chrysalis won't be in jail. We'll be getting back to Twilight and Cadance next chapter.
1744590
I'm a nice guy, but my humor can be dark...one of my favorite shows is Invader Zim, if that's any indication.
I'm trying out some new writing styles, yes...
1764265
Bwa ha ha...I just noticed the hat that your avatar is suddenly wearing.
Is drinking with Idiot Balls flying around really smart? Ummmm, a good idea? Common sense?
Damn. Also, really? An inch?
This is a glorious web of shoestring sense. Make more ASAP!
Idiot balls that make ponies stupid? That's actually a really good idea. A REALLY REALLY good idea. So Chrysalis is free? This is going to be funny.
"It's Daddy's fault he didn't want to die!"
"You know what would look good with that? Leather pants."
These are the two greatest lines ever
2386629 *choking to death on drink from these two lines* x_x
2386629 I never thought such simple words would put such a huge grin on my face, but here we are.
1741020
Eh, I've seen worse. I'm one of those people who have to go see every inch of internet, just out of curiousity. So yeah, I've seen worse.
I now feel as though my statement of interest in this story may have been somewhat hasty.
(Seriously though, the editor's notes were groan worthy at best for me.)
1742197 YAY TEAM FOUR STAR.
Also, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
da fuck happened
Is the thingy anything like the machine? It would be rather painful to suck a couple of her immortal years out. Hell, she might even survive the maximum setting one or twice.
1741020 I actually screamed. Repressing memories in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... *boom* and repressed.
2887852
Hey! I didn't think I would find you here!
"Smiling smugly, Chrysalis reverted back to herself. "I'm hoping you'll forgive our desperate actions and welcome my subjects into your society!"
There was a massive cheer."
Celestia are you sure there aren't a couple of idiot balls down there???
I'm starting to think that Canterlot is built on idiot balls.
Why is a seal trying to fuck her?
More importantly, what (or who) did the seal do to be put in the prison cell?