- Member Since 2nd Sep, 2022
- offline last seen Yesterday
Buckedlobster82
just a writer with wandering inspiration
Buckedlobster82
Joined 2nd Sep, 2022 ·
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Pretty good so far so keep it going.
On hiatus already?
11473654
it's not that kind of hiatus. I swap motivation from this story and my other one. Plus my publish schedule changes constantly so its just easier to label it as hiatus. I still work on both all the time.
Edit: now that I actually googled what hiatus meant, I've seen a grave error in my judgment. hold please
This seems interesting
Well I think I will droped it here.
Being force fed huge amout of constant worldbuilding infodump that most don't care.
Not only that, the content is also not that good, worst than leaving them vague.
11577059
yeah, thats what I was afraid of. I will say it was a lot worse, This chapter was at one point 10,000 words, so I'm glad I trimmed it down a lot. I will say that this was one of the harder chapters I've written since I was stuck on it for so long. not to mention I was hitting severe writer's block. I will chapters after this will be better.
Ask and receive...
### Chapter 1 ###
You spelt 'unknown' wrong.
These sentences can be combined. Consistent problem throughout the chapter too.
Certainly the reintroduction of natural gravity wouldn't cause the ribs to break on their own since they are in a seat-belt and already taut from the landing. Some of the spacial aspects in the following paragraphs are screwy and unclear, but let's ignore those and work on the story itself.
Ah, yes. The classic Luna introduction opening. You get quarter a strike for that: 0.25 mostly because it was so brief.
Knowing when the proper time to use capitalization has been a consistent problem in the story thus far. Proper nouns get capitalization, not simply nouns like 'kingdom', where King Merlin get capitalized because it is a title before a proper noun, and of course a proper noun.
Please try to have a maximum of six lines per paragraph. Blocks of text aren't exactly appetizing to read.
### Chapter 2 ###
That's a full strike for saving ponies from timber wolves on first contact: 1.25
### Chapter 3 ###
Dude, I'm just as lost. The Element of Magic wasn't mentioned before this. Seems to be an author problem *Glares across the internet*
Twilight. Her name is Twilight according to what Shining Armor actually said. How the Sparkle part came about, the audience may never know.
### Chapter 4 ###
This is... a bit much. A little heavy on the exposition.
...
What to say about it... I can't say I'm hooked. Maybe it's me, but something seems to be missing from this story. It could be the character of Riley themself. I don't feel much of an attachment to the character, then again, sometimes that takes time. Could be that HiE has been done to death already so all the aspects of it come across as samey. I've kinda touched upon that on the skim with 1.25 strike score. Powerful human, meets Luna, fighting timber wolves, saves ponies, meets princesses/elements, etc. Don't get me wrong, it can be done well still, but it needs more than the bare minimum. What is the twist that you added anyway? I still don't understand what the twist is. It's displaced/HiE with a human who has magic/technology/knowledge. That isn't new.
This is also tagged as 'Comedy' yet there hasn't been much in the way of comedy. Maybe it's more prevalent from here on out, I don't know. Adding some comedic moments to these early chapters could help break up this miasma.
I don't have much else to say. I'm sorry to say, but I've found the story bland so far. Perhaps that's what's missing: character. I really don't know. Hope somebody else can help find the issues.
11633163
First off, thank you for this! This is the comment I’ve been waiting for tbh. No anger here though, just realizing that I started the story in a rough spot but I *think* it got better as I got back into writing. Believe me that this is WAY better then the FOE one I was writing.
So now I know I really gotta go back and edit or do something to the first few chapters to really give it that extra kick that will breath in that character or personality that you stated was missing. Which I have no problem doing, I’ve stated that I’m trying to write professional in my off time and use this as a “practice.“
As for the spin that seems to be missing. I now realize that although it is still a HIE story. The fact that this particular human realm is COMPLETELY different in historical and worldly aspects, and is separate from one’s such as real life or EG. So that will be another thing I will have to make much more apparent. So I appreciate that.
As for the strikes, honestly. The Luna one just made sense to me at least. Considering how I built upon Riley’s backstory and his world's history later on and how prominent his mind would appear on Luna’s map in the dream world. And how alien it would be for her. It just felt right, but I get it. It’s probably been overdone, and it’s gotten old, and I understand.
As for the Timberwolves… I’m gonna be honest, I have no excuse for that, it was honestly the first thing I thought of. I just knew that the Everfree forest wanted Riley. For a reason I would elaborate on in a later chapter. So I couldn’t have him stumble into pony ole or fluttershys cottage on a whim using that logic. But now the damage is done and I would have to rewrite the whole thing to change it.
All in all, this has given me a lot of information to reflect on and has opened my eyes in more than a few ways so I thank you for that!
Like hell they don't. Ponies control every aspect of nature with an iron fist. Weather control, farmland control, control of the seasons.
Monk
Is it just me or does this kid just not get the fact that he is in a different multiverse? Also, for a demigod who has lived over a thousand years, I don't think it's realistic for Celestia to just be accepting what this guy says. Especially considering how wrong he is many of his beliefs and how narrow minded he is when it comes to the possibility that the MLP multiverse runs on completely different rules with a completely and unrelated race of dragons.
Monk
11639298
okay yeah, I read that and literally thought "There's no way I had Shining say that. that just sounds stupid." because I instantly thought about the winter wrap-up episode. Now that is gonna change.
11639346
I actually plan to make a plot point about that later in this story, it's gonna be an interaction along the lines of "Well I get this world is different, but-" "there is no but, this world is different, and it's different for a reason. So why are you trying to change the laws of nature it has?"
Also, the way I think of Celestia right now, she is an immortal being so at some point you read or do everything you have access to, and it would get boring really fast. So when some random creature comes rolling out of everfree spewing some different dimension cultural nonsense, Id say that they wouldn't particularly agree with it, but it would definitely catch their interest, at least enough to hear them out first.
Yeah. After the chapter "Recovery Pt.2". the author has already written 4 chapters, and there is not a single comment under them, even a negative one. It's a pity, the story itself is very much nothing. And the author definitely does not write about another "36-year-old man with two children with ex-wives, two divorces, three bank loans and depression wakes up in the world of rainbow horses", but his own full-fledged universe, which I personally am still interested in watching.
11739543
NGL, i cant tell if this is a jab or a compliment but i think it leans towards being a compliment so ill say thank you! (I like to be positive)
I try to venture down a different path of creativity when it comes to writing for this story. I wanted to make sure to stay away from the norms like what you mentioned in your comment. That's why I'm using the universe from my personal book I plan to write and publish IRL as a baseline. Its also where I got the two main characters Romulus and Riley from. I will say my proudest part of it world building wise, which will show in the next chapter ;), is the magic system I made for it. Its by far my favorite system and the terminology I used for the meaning of being "Unbound" still makes me so freaking giddy you have no idea.
Love the story so far man. Got it bookmarked and everything.
But if I can lend a tip or three for whatever it's worth to ya;
The story is pretty solid. Mind the punctuation though. I did notice that there were a few comma's that needed to be placed in certain areas that weren't, and some where it didn't need to be.
Spelling needs to be watched as well. Like "there" when it's supposed to be "they're" and so on.
I wanna see this story thrive, so I don't say these things as a dig, please don't think that.
Other than that, keep it up, and I look forward to the next chapter with excited anticipation.
11748675
Thank you for this I appreciate it!
Punctuation and spelling is one of my focuses when writing so I do try to keep those comma and such in check as much as possible. If you saw how my writing looked 2 years ago and looked at it now. It is a DRASTIC change. I use Grammarly to auto correct for me as well, while also highlighting what I'm correcting so my brain can start recognizing where commas are need and such. Which its been working yet sometimes, at least in my eyes, Grammarly puts a comma Some where its not needed because it changes how I want the sentence to sound so I don't put it in.
Either way I thank you again for the support! I will say this, I have several arcs planned for this story and we've passed the intro arc and we're easing into the next one with these last two chapters. And lets just say... there is gonna be a lot of fire involved.
(not the kind set onto buildings before you get that idea.)
11749530
Well, I'm a bit of a pyro so
Going by the description and the cover picture, this story probably needs the Sci-Fi tag.
11755016
will do!
I'll admit, I nearly dropped the story myself. But, I'm curious about how the Elementals will be handled, so I'll keep reading for now. I really don't think that this guy realizes that this dimension he's in probably works by different rules, and that the ponies control the weather and the sun and moon because they have to. It's never explained why in the show, but it's a common fan theory that Discord's reign screwed up the world so badly that the ponies had to manage the weather, animals, and the sun and moon, or else things would quickly devolve into catastrophe. The sun and moon in particular, Celestia and Luna are the only ones keeping those from freezing in their orbits, and either cooking or freezing the planet. As someone in another story described it, an effective nuclear deterrent, and one where they need to 'press the button' every day to prevent annihilation, instead of pressing the button to destroy a city. So, I can't see the Elementals condemning the ponies for breaking their laws when there was an extremely good reason for doing so. Break those laws, or everything on the planet dies. Everything.
11755336
👀! he may be on to something here XD
I do have and Elemental interaction coming up in the next few chapters, but this next chapter is going to hit very hard so be excited for that.
However I do wish to ask what made you want to drop the story in the first place? I assume it was my sudden disappearances and lack of updating for a few months. or was it something else?
Link for short what?
11764720
his name is LinkLauncher online. Buddy of mine I know IRL
Don’t you hate when you forget about the auto repair system that if you fixed it first it would have fixed everything else.
11755531
It was how the protagonist was constantly acting as if his way and his knowledge was the only way, when he's clearly in a different dimension entirely. He's lucky the basic laws of reality let him keep living after pulling off a dimensional hop, and in every interaction regarding how the ponies work the world around them, he's been nothing but rude and confrontational, trying to force his dimensions laws on this one. Having it happen a couple times while he learns how this new world works is understandable culture shock, but for every interaction about that topic? It was getting a bit much. Then there's his views that there's no way the dragons are the aggressors against the ponies, when he himself just experienced their aggression first hand. I'm glad Torch threw that in his face like he did, maybe the guy will finally learn he's not home anymore and the old laws he knows don't apply anymore.
11764872
That was the goal!
The ultimate goal was to have torch open his mind to the fact that this world is different from his, so he got this eye opening realization. On top of that the constant pushback on pony culture was also planned, although I may not have intended to be has heavy handed as it was. Sorry for that.
11765241
Yea, it was extremely heavy handed. I'm glad it's gonna get better now, but one thing I'd love to see is him either learning, or realizing, that the ponies have to do what they do, break the laws the elementals have given his people, just to keep the planet alive and functioning. Part of that might be going to an area of wild weather, where ponies don't control it, and see just how either static the weather is. Or, conversely, how lethal the wild weather is. Give him an indisputable proof that what the ponies do is needed, and not just for their own benefit.
11765287
funny you say that, I have a plan for that involving the crystal empire... hehehehe
11765305
I'm betting the Earth part will be there.