I tried to sit up, but my head pounded with extreme agony. Causing me to reflex and grip my head with both hands, trying to stop the pain.
These sentences can be combined. Consistent problem throughout the chapter too.
Suddenly my strength gave out, and I lurched forward in my chair as gravity took hold. The crash seemed to put the aircraft at an angle. The seat belt stopped me from falling too far, but the sudden yank on my chest caused me to cough and wheeze. The heaviness I felt before not turned into throbbing agony. The seat belt saved me from the Specter's fate, but not before breaking some ribs.
Certainly the reintroduction of natural gravity wouldn't cause the ribs to break on their own since they are in a seat-belt and already taut from the landing. Some of the spacial aspects in the following paragraphs are screwy and unclear, but let's ignore those and work on the story itself.
"Hello? Who's there?" I called out, not being able to see anything other than myself. A dim purple mist crept around me, and from the dark stepped forward... A large dark blue unicorn? And one with wings on top of that. The mane and tale looked like a starlit night and moved like a wind was blowing it around. But I felt no wind at all. I wasn't really surprised. Back home, we had way weirder things like this that we kept as pets. But It spoke upon seeing me.
Ah, yes. The classic Luna introduction opening. You get quarter a strike for that: 0.25 mostly because it was so brief.
I stumbled to my feet, bracing myself on the chair I once sat in. I looked over to my co-pilot, Which I now recognized as what I considered my brother and personal advisor to the throne of my Kingdom. Romulus. A super advanced specter that served the Kingdom since king merlin himself.
Knowing when the proper time to use capitalization has been a consistent problem in the story thus far. Proper nouns get capitalization, not simply nouns like 'kingdom', where King Merlin get capitalized because it is a title before a proper noun, and of course a proper noun.
The video popped up on the main screen. [SNIP] Crashing through trees and such before movement settled, and the craft just sat in the woods.
Please try to have a maximum of six lines per paragraph. Blocks of text aren't exactly appetizing to read.
### Chapter 2 ###
[TIMBER SNIP]
That's a full strike for saving ponies from timber wolves on first contact: 1.25
### Chapter 3 ###
Element of magic?
Dude, I'm just as lost. The Element of Magic wasn't mentioned before this. Seems to be an author problem *Glares across the internet*
Who I now knew whose name was Twilight Sparkle, thanks to Shining armor.
Twilight. Her name is Twilight according to what Shining Armor actually said. How the Sparkle part came about, the audience may never know.
### Chapter 4 ###
I sighed, seeing his point. "I see your point, but I was never someone to sit back and relax. At least not in the way your thinking of it. My mind has always just been running and running at a hundred miles an hour to the point I had to always be doing something to be able to keep my mind busy. Due to that, I've always been somewhat of a work-a-holic, not intentionally, anyways. I was a heavy scholar in my younger years, reading every book in a library out of boredom. I had a heavy video gaming phase during my late teens for a few years and then took up blacksmithing as a hobby on top of it all. Slowly I got into engineering on top of blacksmithing and eventually the military. I've never liked school, and the school didn't like me. I couldn't sit still in ha my class lectures, and my dad saw that. Pulled me out of school and taught me himself within the castle alongside mom. But eventually, I just started teaching myself whenever I went to the library."
This is... a bit much. A little heavy on the exposition.
...
What to say about it... I can't say I'm hooked. Maybe it's me, but something seems to be missing from this story. It could be the character of Riley themself. I don't feel much of an attachment to the character, then again, sometimes that takes time. Could be that HiE has been done to death already so all the aspects of it come across as samey. I've kinda touched upon that on the skim with 1.25 strike score. Powerful human, meets Luna, fighting timber wolves, saves ponies, meets princesses/elements, etc. Don't get me wrong, it can be done well still, but it needs more than the bare minimum. What is the twist that you added anyway? I still don't understand what the twist is. It's displaced/HiE with a human who has magic/technology/knowledge. That isn't new.
This is also tagged as 'Comedy' yet there hasn't been much in the way of comedy. Maybe it's more prevalent from here on out, I don't know. Adding some comedic moments to these early chapters could help break up this miasma.
I don't have much else to say. I'm sorry to say, but I've found the story bland so far. Perhaps that's what's missing: character. I really don't know. Hope somebody else can help find the issues.
Ask and receive...
### Chapter 1 ###
You spelt 'unknown' wrong.
These sentences can be combined. Consistent problem throughout the chapter too.
Certainly the reintroduction of natural gravity wouldn't cause the ribs to break on their own since they are in a seat-belt and already taut from the landing. Some of the spacial aspects in the following paragraphs are screwy and unclear, but let's ignore those and work on the story itself.
Ah, yes. The classic Luna introduction opening. You get quarter a strike for that: 0.25 mostly because it was so brief.
Knowing when the proper time to use capitalization has been a consistent problem in the story thus far. Proper nouns get capitalization, not simply nouns like 'kingdom', where King Merlin get capitalized because it is a title before a proper noun, and of course a proper noun.
Please try to have a maximum of six lines per paragraph. Blocks of text aren't exactly appetizing to read.
### Chapter 2 ###
That's a full strike for saving ponies from timber wolves on first contact: 1.25
### Chapter 3 ###
Dude, I'm just as lost. The Element of Magic wasn't mentioned before this. Seems to be an author problem *Glares across the internet*
Twilight. Her name is Twilight according to what Shining Armor actually said. How the Sparkle part came about, the audience may never know.
### Chapter 4 ###
This is... a bit much. A little heavy on the exposition.
...
What to say about it... I can't say I'm hooked. Maybe it's me, but something seems to be missing from this story. It could be the character of Riley themself. I don't feel much of an attachment to the character, then again, sometimes that takes time. Could be that HiE has been done to death already so all the aspects of it come across as samey. I've kinda touched upon that on the skim with 1.25 strike score. Powerful human, meets Luna, fighting timber wolves, saves ponies, meets princesses/elements, etc. Don't get me wrong, it can be done well still, but it needs more than the bare minimum. What is the twist that you added anyway? I still don't understand what the twist is. It's displaced/HiE with a human who has magic/technology/knowledge. That isn't new.
This is also tagged as 'Comedy' yet there hasn't been much in the way of comedy. Maybe it's more prevalent from here on out, I don't know. Adding some comedic moments to these early chapters could help break up this miasma.
I don't have much else to say. I'm sorry to say, but I've found the story bland so far. Perhaps that's what's missing: character. I really don't know. Hope somebody else can help find the issues.