Twilight is banished from Equestria by Princess Celestia. How will Twilight convince her mentor and friends not to banish her?
Story by PLCTheCd, commissioned by Tan575 and artwork by CSImadmax
Chapters (1)
tan575
Joined 3rd Jul, 2012 ·
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INB4 being so scared trying to avoid whatever she did wrong that she does it anyway.
Interesting but from start i knew it would end like this
Lion King II reference... me gusta
well, if it wasn't a dream, that would mean I get to keep her company.
Nice story in any case.
YEEEEEAAAAAAAAÖÖÖÖÖÖÖRRRR!(german keyboard are cool^^)
I hope this isn't a oneshot like "In a pink flash"(nothing ahainst the story itself)
MOAR MOAR MOAR MOAR MOAR MOAR
I actually teared up a bit. Hope yer happy.
Oh god, you actually used THAT cliche? Son, I am disapoint.
Oh, and according to a cannon map, the Everfree is actually in the centre of Equestria. Here's a link.
WHAT DID SHE DO WHAT DID SHE DO
'dis be good.
But now I got Lion King songs stuck in my head.
huh, half expected that ending. But I agree, what on earth could Twilight do that would cause such a thing.
And it's not as if the Elements of Harmony can be passed down like that. I don't know what separated Celestia and Luna from them but I'm guessing it has something to do with whatever made Luna Nightmare Moon. Since nothing seems to have happened to Twilight, I question Celestia' ability to do ANYTHING to the Element of Magic beside glare at it for not leaving Twilight.
Then again this IS a dream, and Twilight has shown she has a pretty creative imagination when it comes to 'bad things happening', so I can see where you were going with this.
I would Want to guess what was the bad thing she did.
Twilight might have murdered Spike.
It's okay twilight for we are an army.. No! A legion over 10 million strong with your word we will bring down canterlot even equestria for we are loyal to the wielder of magic and for you we would burn with a smile
Mr. Author, would you allow me to have your permission to write a "what if it was real" sequel?
1039520
Sure. Why not. But I need to tell you that another person is also having the same idea. Maybe you would like to ask him first here:
http://plcthecd.deviantart.com/
1039544
So the plot thickens....
Yeah. I've posted a comment on his piece.
What do you mean it's complete?
Grammar errors aside, this is decently written. Plenty of emotion and easily readable.
Two things though:
First: While I think this may make a good prologue, I can't see this as a story. Nothing actually happens. Even as a dream sequence, neither the dreamer nor the audience learned anything from it.
Second: In the dream each and every character is ludicrously out of character. Even if you disregard all their actions due to it being "in a dream" then Twilight is STILL outrageously out of character.
The second point could be forgiven if not for the first. You can have OOC characters to tell a story(to an extent), but there is no story here...
1050127
Hello: I'm the original writer of the story here (I gave Tan575 permission to post it because of the artwork was commissioned from him), and I also like to know what grammar errors that I need to fix. I'm also glad that you like the story despite the errors.
In response of the two things that you've said:
First response: I'm hoping to continue this story I was thinking either Twilight wondering if it's some sort of prophecy, and investigate it. Or make it not a dream and have Twilight seeking some kind of a revenge.
Second response: I'm aware that everyone is out of character, but it IS a dream after all, and I know, sounds like an poor excuse. But like cullexoh said, Twilight has a creative mind about the consequences. Plus, considering that Twilight is in deep trouble and the tense situation she was in, I'm sure her behavior is somewhat justifiable. If not, what do you believe she should've done (I'm not trying to sound snippy, but I like to know what should've happen)
1054177
The correction has already been done to the story following Aburi's recommendation. However, Equestria Daily says that there are still many mistakes and the story is rejected again.
1054177 I will forward you the message that I sent to tan575 so you can see the thinking behind the changes I recommended - I do need to note again that I'm not great at grammar, (apparently EQD agrees there
)
About how I would change things... Under the premise that this is a dream it's safe to have all other characters act OOC except Twilight. If I had to ascribe any single trait to Twilight, it would be humbleness (followed closely by insecurity), and she also seems to embody the traits of all the other Elements of Harmony to a lesser extent as well. The dream Twilight comes across as greedy above all else. The only reason I can see that she is arguing is to keep from getting banished. Now this is a good reason to argue, but the way she goes about it is to try to make herself look good and remind her friends of the things she has done for them.
How I would work it is to have Twilight try to appeal to the best traits of her friends. Ask for Fluttershy's kindness and AJ's honesty. For Dash and Rarity I'd just have her ask for their friendship and forgiveness, as to appeal more directly would start to get into guilt trip territory, something I'd try to avoid.
For the most part, I think Twilight would accept any punishment with a minimum of fuss. Remember that she always fears extreme punishments for any perceived mistake on her part. This is not because she thinks that Celestia is cruel enough to carry out these punishments, but that she deserves it for letting her mentor down. As a specific example of Twilight's behavior in this situation, check out the season 2 finale. When Twilight chased the false Cadence out of the wedding rehearsal all her friends and family lay into her for her "misbehavior". And she just takes it. She doesn't try to defend herself at all, and assumes that she's in the wrong despite all the evidence to the contrary.
This was kind of a rambling and roundabout way of explaining things, I hope that it helped explain my previous comment.
Hey tan, mind if I make my own take on this?
1057157
Hello: I'm the original writer here, Tan just had my permission to post this online since the commission was paid by him.
You can send me a private message on what the sequel will be about,
1055754
Hey Aburi: I got your private message and I saw the errors. Thanks for the bunch, and I'll keep your suggestions to Twilight whenever I continue this story out.
I wish you didn't end the story there.
This is what dreams do, they reflect ourselves. In this case, it reflects Twilight's suppressed fear of losing those she loved after what happened with Chrysalis.
This nightmare was born of that fear Twilight isn't trying to face in reality, so she's facing it in her nightmare instead.
I think Twilight facing this nightmare with the help of her friends in reality is where the story would really pick up.
1070931
Hello Alex Warlorn!
Thanks for reading the story, and don't worry because I'm not planning to end it.
1028184
Hello: I'm the original writer here, Tan just had my permission to post this online since the commission was paid by him. By which cliche do you mean? Is it the dream one?
1102676
Yup, the dream one. No better way to destroy whatever mystery and build up you had.
1102718
No worries dude, I'm planning to write another story where Twilight gets revenge.
1102729
Revenge because she had a bad dream?
1102743
Sorry, I meant in a "What-if it wasn't a dream"
1102792
Will there actually be a description of the crime?
What did she do?
This is...interesting.
If you're going to continue, then I'll follow. I've got to wonder just what Twilight did that was so unforgiveable, even to the Princess.
You say you're going to do a sequel where this wasn't a dream...I'm not sure what to think of that. I guess we'll wait and see.
Thank goodness that it was a dream.
Hello everyone, this is the original author here.
If anyone wants to continue this story, then please click this link! Prediction and Prophecy from a Pony
But what if she only dreamt that it was just a nightmare? INCEPTION!
um,twilight is a princess,they cant just banish her.
2365359 Not in this story.
1142540 To be honest, looking at this image and reading through the story I couldn't help but think of a sort of twist in this. What if, Twilight was exiled for a crime that everyone, even she, believed that she really did commit? But after only a few days of her exile, everyone of her friends, her mentor and brother find out that she wasn't responsible, but they can't bring her back to Equestria?
Taking a scene from this episode of Batman TAS;
Let's say that the Joker represents all of Twi's friends, Celestia and SA. And King Barlo is maybe Queen Chrysalis?
"Greetings my little ponies, and your 'majesty'. If you're reading this scroll I left for you, then it probably means that you've finally figured out that you've all been fooled again. Yes, it IS true that Twilight was the one responsible for causing that disasterous spell to impress the representatives from the Griffon Kingdom, but the only reason it went so wrong was because my Changelings sabotaged the spell while she was performing the most complex part of it. The Griffon's certainly are a troublesome bunch to keep happy and it seemed that exile for Twilight was certainly unavoidable, and knowing all of you, you've long since had her cast out. All the other events that you thought was her doing, the theft, the blackmailing, it was all done by MY subjects disguised as her.
You see, I always despised that little brat for ruining my invasion of Canterlot and I knew that THIS would be the perfect payback. By now, she's probably miles away from any boarder anywhere NEAR Equestria. You're 'Replacement' that worthless two bit travelling mare show off is no where near ready to harness the 'Element of Magic', and best of all, not one of you can admit that I fooled you like this, or not only will you fail the Griffon kingdom for failing to carry out the punishment to what THEY desire, but you'll prove how easily we can invade your land all over again, Twilight and Cadence will never forgive you for having no faith in her, and worst of all for you, you'll be the laughing stocks of Equestria.
The joke's on you, you fools! I got the last laugh after all!
Sorry for my mindless ramblings, it was just a thought. ^^;
May I make use of this story for my prologue of my fanfic. I gave me a crazy of an idea.
3036193
Not a bad idea.
5584177 You said this could be similar to the story Star Wars Republic Commando: Equestria Commando, but this does not answer my question from that story, what was she accused of in that story? I mean, yes, they are highly similar, but this does not answer my original question. WHAT... WAS... SHE... ACCUSED...OF ????
5584660
It could be anything.....that's all I can say..
Dreams are like that, you never know why things happen in them only that they do. Sometimes like real life.
This story is so Dark and Aweosme to learn the penalty experiences. I hope to see the sequel. You made a very good story.
During the whole time I was wondering what her crimes were....until the end when it was just a dream.
And then this happens
Two years later.
The First Order invades Equestria, they take ponies hostage, Celestia and the others are brought before Commander Sparkle the new prime leader of the First Order with her master Kylo Ren.
Now when I was reading I thought
"Ooooh boy she's gonna find something creepy and powerful and then REVENGE AND INSANITY!!"
Actually can you make something like that?