Filial
Filial
A story about the most important relationship in everypony's life
By Dafaddah
Version 5 - Edited by Sharp Logic
With a great big Thanks to Chatoyance, Shutaro, and Reasonandrhyme
Twilight Sparkle took a deep breath in the mid-afternoon heat. Behind dark wraparound sunglasses she closed her eyes, taking in the fragrances of the beach: sand, sea, grass mats and sun-bleached canvas. The wind blew over the dunes at her back. It rustled through the reeds down the strand, in whispered syncopation with the throaty roar of waves breaking on the shore and the joyful sounds of her friends playing beach volleyball. She sighed in contentment, the glorious lazy sensuality of the day abundantly supplied with that most perfect of accessories: a whole stack of good books to read!
Under the same huge red and white parasol and just beyond her reach, Spike snored gently on his beach blanket. She opened one eye to sneak a peek at her tiny protégé. He was so cute when he slept! He lay on his belly with one little dragon fist clutching the tip of his tail. The scene reminded her of Spike just after he hatched. In those days almost everything around him was new and frightening, and he hid beneath her at the drop of a pin.
In rare moments of introspection like this certain things about her past became more clear to her. It had often been a bother for her younger – and only marginally less insecure – self to have such a dependent being constantly underhoof. But having this responsibility as a young filly was probably the source of much of her confidence and ability to take charge. In a very real sense Spike had helped her emerge from her own shell! And ever since they had moved to Ponyville it was often Spike who took care of things in the library. How very much like her he had become!
Twilight smiled at the little guy. She had him to thank for so many things in her life, and she was quite proud of him. I should tell him that more often.
She closed her eye and took another deep breath. The air felt heavy, thick with the cloyingly sweet smell of shore grass. The sounds of the beach receded and a very pleasant sensation of numb warmth spread from her barrel to the tips of her hooves. Twilight's book dropped to the sand as she fell asleep.
"Wake up, Twi! Come on."
Twilight roused from her slumber at Spike's urgent jostling and stretched luxuriously. "Mmm, I love this cool breeze..." she said, slowly opening her eyes and seeing nothing above her but blue. "Hey, where'd the parasol go?" She looked down and squealed in alarm. She was at least five ponylengths above the sand, with nothing supporting her and no reassuring tingle of a levitation field. She extended her limbs, closed her eyes, and waited for the inevitable crunch of impact with the ground. And waited. And waited...
Twilight cautiously opened one eye and peeked at the sand below her. She wasn't moving. "I'm floating," she remarked. She was proud of her ability to quickly analyze a situation – as long as there were no personal issues involved, of course.
"Spike!” – Twilight saw only one possible explanation – “There's something wrong with gravity!"
Her number one assistant gulped audibly. "I think we've got bigger problems, Twi!"
"Now really Spike, what could possibly be bigger than the suspension of gravity?" Finally convinced that she wasn't going to fall, her gaze shifted to focus on the little dragon. He floated in the air before her, gently waving his purple fins as his curly green fish tail swished below him. Fins... curly fish tail...
"Spike!" she exclaimed, eyes wide.
"What!" he replied, eyes even wider.
"You're a hippocampus!" she declared.
Spike examined the fins that had replaced his foreclaws. "Whoa!” He looked back up at Twilight. “And guess what?" he asked.
"What?" she asked, her own eyes growing big.
"You look like one of those sea-ponies," replied Spike.
Twilight slumped and sighed. "Jeez Spike, it's the same thing.” Her head shot back up. “Wait, I'm a hippocampus too?” She peered intently at her own purple fins. “We've been turned into sea-ponies!" Her eyes narrowed and a look of intense concentration crossed her face. A few seconds later her posture relaxed again and the corners of her mouth turned upwards in a triumphant grin. "Oh, good, that explains it!"
Spike blinked. “Explains what?”
"The absence of weight," she said. Spike’s expression didn’t change. "We're experiencing buoyancy because we're in the water. There's absolutely nothing wrong with gravity."
Twilight smiled and waved her fins, causing small movements up, down and to each side. Action and reaction. All was right in her universe again. She glanced contentedly around them, noting the sandy sea floor. She wasn't sure how deep below the surface they were, but given the relative brightness of the ambient light she figured it probably wasn't very deep.
Spike rolled his eyes and sighed. "Uh, Twi, that's not what I meant." He gestured with a fin to something behind her.
She spun around to see what so concerned the little dragon – uh, sea-pony – and discovered that she and Spike were not the only hippocampi around. In fact there were some ten or so of the sea creatures approaching. None of them were smiling, and on some of their faces varying degrees of suspicion were evident. Having been raised in Canterlot, Twilight detected the unmistakable aura of bureaucrats on a field trip. Spike was right! she thought. This is scarier than gravity being suspended.
The delegation was led by a pale yellow mare with an aquamarine mane, fins and tail, wearing a gold circlet on her brow. Her eyes were a limpid blue, and she had the look of somepony who was used to being in charge.
"Hello there!" Twilight grinned sheepishly and waved a fin. She desperately tried to remember if Princess Celestia had ever mentioned anything about sea-pony etiquette.
"Welcome, Twilight Sparkle and Spike," said the yellow mare in a grave voice. "We have been waiting for you."
"You have? Well, uh, it's an honor to meet you..." Twilight paused in expectation.
"Forgive me," she said. "My name is Princess Alabaster Anemone. I am the ruler of Hippocampia, the province of Aquestria on this sea-coast. We were told by the Blue Mage that you could help us," said the princess.
"Your Majesty," – said Twilight as she and Spike bobbed in the underwater version of a bow – "we'll help if we can, but what is the situation? And just who is this blue mage?"
Several gasps rang out and the princess looked at her with a severe expression. "Your partner, the Blue Mage."
"Er... Your Majesty," Twilight said carefully as the situation seemed to be deteriorating, "to be perfectly, absolutely honest, I've never even heard of this Blue Mage. Maybe he or she confused me with someone else?"
A blue sea-pony wearing a pointed hat swam out from behind the group and spoke up in a familiar voice: "Are you quite sure about that, Twilight dear?"
Twilight felt her temper rise. "YOU!" This sea-pony she recognized. It was that unicorn mare whose hubris had caused so much trouble for her and for Ponyville.
The blue sea-pony swam forward until she was floating in front of Twilight. "Yes, it is I, The Great and Powerful Trixie. The reason you are here, dear Twilight, is that Trixie recommended you highly to Her Majesty Princess Alabaster."
"Ahem," said the princess, casting a skeptical glance at Trixie, "I was assured by the Blue Mage that together the both of you had successfully bested an ursa major that had attacked the town where you live."
Twilight began to object: "It was an ursa minor, and–"
"–and we did indeed best it," interrupted Trixie. "Your highness, might I, The Great and Powerful Trixie, confer privately a moment with my colleague? It would appear that she needs to have the situation explained to her before she feels comfortable in retiring her objections."
Twilight gaped at Trixie. "How can I object when I don't even know what this is about?" she asked, getting louder.
Trixie grabbed her with a fin and pulled her to the side until they were a discreet distance from the group. "Now listen here, Celestia's star pupil! These sea-ponies are in a bind and Trixie promised we Equestrians could help, so if you screw this up it will look bad on all of us."
Twilight shrugged off Trixie's fin and pointed her own at Trixie’s face. "So when did you become a diplomat, Trixie? You have no business representing Equestria to these ponies. How could you possibly put us in such a ridiculous position?"
Trixie’s eyes narrowed. "It wasn't my fault, librarian! Need I remind you that my home and means of transportation was destroyed by that ursa? I have since been traveling with a merchant caravan, and it just happens that it stopped at the nearby beach. The merchants go there to trade with the sea-ponies on a regular basis. While there, The Great and Powerful Trixie” – she gestured dramatically with a fin – “delivered a very successful magic show, to the sea-ponies’ understandable admiration. The caravan master introduced me to Princess Alabaster and her court, and they were regaled with tales of The Great and Powerful Trixie’s adventures, including those in Ponyville, although” – one of Trixie’s eyebrows rose as she assumed a perplexed expression – “for some reason the sea-ponies insist on calling Trixie the Blue Mage.” Twilight raised a skeptical eyebrow, but chose not to say anything. Oblivious, Trixie carried on.
“Shortly thereafter we proceeded to the next town on the merchants’ circuit and I thought nothing more of it. Then a few weeks ago the sea-ponies began suffering attacks from an orca major. The beast evaded every trap, hunter and mob they could rally. So at their wit's end they naturally thought of The Great and Powerful Trixie, and Princess Alabaster magically summoned me here to help." She crossed fins before her upright body and regarded Twilight with a smug look on her face.
"And the reason we now appear to be sea-ponies is a result of Princess Alabaster's summoning spell?" asked Twilight.
Trixie rolled her eyes. "Of course! What use would it be to summon somepony if they just ended up drowning?"
"And how did I get involved in this?" Twilight demanded.
"Given our success together in dealing with the ursa major –" Twilight opened her mouth to object, but Trixie cut her off "– ursa minor! Well, given that success, I told the princess that your assistance would be invaluable for a job this big. And so here you are." She smiled in satisfaction.
Twilight would have tapped a hind-hoof in annoyance had she not had a fish tail instead. "And why is Spike here?"
Trixie blushed. "I thought he'd look cute as a sea-pony. And he is your number one assistant, is he not? When I told the princess about him she decided to summon you both."
Twilight counted silently to ten, shook her head and grabbed Trixie's fins with her own. "Are you serious? Do you even know what an orca major is?" She shoved her face to within a hair's breadth of Trixie’s. "It is teeth, fins, an appetite and little else! And do you know what is its favorite food? Yeah, you guessed it: it’s sea-ponies!"
"You see," said Trixie, her smile getting broader still, "I was right in calling on you to help! You already know so much about these orca majors!" She put a fin over Twilight's back and raised one eyebrow. "So, how do we get rid of it?"
Twilight stared down at the offending appendage.
"Er, Twi?" Spike moved in close to the two mares.
"What is it Spike!?" shouted Twilight, causing both he and Trixie to start. She immediately looked abashed. "I'm sorry Spike, what is it, please?" she repeated in a more moderate tone.
There was concern on his face. "I was just told by one of these sea-ponies that the orca major has already destroyed a dozen fish farms, and yesterday it almost caught two sea-ponies. Twi, they only survived because they were close to a small cave!" He swallowed and looked up earnestly at her. "We have to help them. They're really scared and they have no idea what to do!"
She looked into Spike's eyes and heaved a sigh. She knew that she could not refuse his request. Her gaze resumed its anger when she turned back to Trixie. "Okay. Given the circumstances we don't seem to have a choice. But," again she moved up close to Trixie, "you will do exactly as I say, or so help me Celestia I will personally see you... officially sanctioned!"
Trixie swallowed. "Very well. Just follow my lead." She turned to the princess with a smile on her face, which turned to a frown when Twilight preempted whatever Trixie was about to say.
"Your Majesty," said Twilight, "I won’t make any promises I might not be able to keep, but we will help you as best we can and try to drive the orca major away.” She paused a moment. “Even though it might be hard on some of the witnesses, I need you to provide me all the information you have on each of the attacks, anything at all, no matter how minor it seems."
The princess' expression softened. "I find myself trusting you, Twilight Sparkle. I will so instruct my subjects." She turned to her group.
The sea-pony delegation left an hour later after having briefed the three Equestrians. Spike had taken detailed notes of each of the attacks. Twilight pondered quietly for a few minutes, scribbled some calculations on a flat piece of seaweed, and then addressed him and Trixie.
"It strikes me that the time elapsed between occurrences is relatively regular, despite orcas usually being opportunistic predators. The orca also never seems to visit the same place twice. This gives us a clear idea of when to expect the next attack, which is about two hours from now, and some ideas of where, if the orca major is true to its previous pattern. Spike, please hold up the map." He unfurled a scroll covered with tick marks, numbers, times and dates.
"As you can see, all the attacks happened within this circle." She held the quill with her magic and drew a rough circle on the map. "That would place the center at around here." She drew a big 'X' on the map. "As orcas tend to be territorial, I would estimate its home base to be in this area." She drew a smaller circle within the larger one. "If we move now we might be able to confront the beast before it attacks again, and drive it off."
"How do you propose to do that?" asked Trixie.
"Can you project a really large illusion?" Twilight answered with a question of her own.
"Of course I can! I am The Great and Powerful Trixie after all!” Twilight tried not to snort when Trixie spread her fins wide. Without hind legs to stand on it wasn’t much of a dramatic pose. “How large an illusion do we need, and of what?"
"The orca major is afraid of only one thing: the giant kraken. Spike, the kraken please." He immediately unfurled another scroll, this one showing a line drawing of a giant squid-like creature. Twilight pointed at the drawing. "So, Trixie, can you fake one of these at least twice the size of the orca major?"
"A trifle! Trixie could make it even bigger if needed," boasted the mare.
Twilight gave her a skeptical look. "I really hope you can. Otherwise this may prove to be a fatally dangerous adventure. So here's the plan. I will act as bait to attract the orca major to your position, and Spike will help me stay oriented..."
“... that’s a good plan, Twilight Sparkle,” said Trixie. “I knew you were the right pony to call for help.” Her expression was serious, but when she looked up Twilight could see in her eyes that there was something else on the show-mare’s mind. She waited patiently for Trixie to gather her courage.
Trixie smiled sheepishly. “Look, Twilight, you must understand that bluster is an essential part of my act. In the magic-show business, one challenges the local big-horn because they will always refuse, and often enough just calling them out generates substantial good-will with ponies who have run afoul of them. On that occasion in Ponyville, what I said was not meant to be a personal attack.” She actually looked abashed. “Ever since that night I have regretted not discussing it with you. I hope you can understand my position.”
Twilight was gobsmacked. She had not been expecting an apology. “Actually, Trixie, keep in mind that I grew up in Canterlot. I know about these shows, and honestly, I didn’t take any of it seriously, even if some of my friends did. And I certainly don’t hold you responsible for the actions of Snips and Snails.”
Trixie looked down. “That’s very generous of you. I do own a share of the blame for those colts’ actions, as I certainly did nothing to discourage them.” She sighed. “And the result was the destruction of my wagon along with most of my possessions and props for my show.”
Twilight’s ears rose and she smiled tentatively. “You know Trixie, I collected your things, or at least what was left of them. I have them in storage in the basement of the Golden Oak Library in Ponyville. You could come pick them up anytime.”
Trixie turned away. Twilight still saw her nod in agreement. “Thank you, I... I will, someday.” A moment later she spoke again, sounding more confident. “But first we must resolve this orca major business.”
Twilight and Spike exchanged concerned looks. “Yes indeed. Spike! We’d better get going.”
The plan was simple, and she was reasonably sure Trixie had understood it. As they swam away from her, she glanced at the small being at her side and swallowed. I hope I’m not making a mistake by trusting that mare, she thought.
Twilight rushed forward to get up close to another amazing undersea denizen that caught her eye. This one was a formation that looked somewhat like a set of mismatched moose antlers.
"What is it this time, Twi? Animal, vegetable or mineral?" asked Spike as he caught up.
"An Elks’-horn coral! And it possesses characteristics of all three!" She grinned back at him. "But it's classified as an animal."
He sighed. “That’s the second time today you’ve told me that, you know.”
“Yes!” she enthused. “Amazing, isn’t it!?”
Spike barely had a moment to look at the coral up close before Twilight was already hurrying to the next thing that piqued her seemingly boundless curiosity. The two had made quick progress getting to the location identified by the 'X' on the map, despite the frequent little side excursions every time she saw a new fish, rock or species of seaweed. He took advantage of the short pauses to pull out the map and verify that they were keeping to their intended course.
They finally arrived to their destination and floated back-to-back as they took in the seascape. The sea-floor was a bit deeper here, noticeably darker, and it showed a bit more sand and fewer banks of corals, seaweed and other sea-life. A series of low dunes created the impression of rolling hills heading back towards the sea-pony settlement where they had started their journey. Where the dunes ended two huge rocks projected from the sandy bottom, their summits almost projecting to the surface.
“This is it!” said Twilight with a nod. “Those rocks are the land, er, sea-floor-mark we were looking for.”
“So, do you think this will take long?” asked Spike, nervously scanning the sea around him.
“Oh, no," she said enthusiastically. "Especially not if we talk a lot! Then the orca major is bound to hear us with its predatory hearing and come in for the kill.” Behind the smiling mare Spike's jaw dropped. “And we have to be careful to keep an eye out in every direction including up and down. The orca major is known to be very crafty and expert in approaching its prey unobserved,” she continued, warming to the subject.
She felt Spike’s back bump into hers as she scanned the waters around them. Not even a minute later he made incoherent gasping noises, and pointed with one fin into the distance.
Twilight looked in the direction Spike indicated, and sure enough she could see a dark shape approaching.
“Tally-ho, Spike!” They looked at each other and nodded. Twilight moved into plain sight of the predator. Spike immediately swam back where they had come from at top speed, pointing the way to return to Trixie's position.
The orca circled in closer and closer. Twilight swam suspended, as if unaware of the creature's proximity. This thing is BIG! she thought nervously. It was midnight black on top and had a snow-white belly, just like in the nature books where she had first learned of the creature. Where it differed from a normal orca was in the ethereal glints that sparkled over the black parts of its body, as if those were made of the same stuff as the night-time sky. The orca grew bigger still and when it almost filled her sight, she teleported.
Twilight rematerialized a short distance away, not quite halfway to the fast-swimming Spike. “Oh yoo-hoo!" she called out. "Here I am, a delicious sea-pony!” That ought to get its attention! she thought.
The orca shook its head in confusion. It scanned around, looking to see where the prey had gone. Spotting Twilight, it resumed its pursuit and advanced quickly in her general direction.
Again, the orca swam stealthily, not coming in directly but circling around her in an ever tighter spiral. Twilight waited for the right moment. She had a better idea of the orca's size now. When it was only a few pony lengths away it suddenly rushed in to take the fatal bite. She was ready. There was a loud pop, and the orca bit into nothing but water.
When Twilight reappeared, her heart was beating furiously. That was scary, she thought, but it's working! She had teleported a bit further away this time, moving progressively closer to the place where Trixie was waiting. Time to get back to work. She waved her fins and shook her tail. “Oh look, here she is! It’s lunch time for orca majors. Come and get it!”
Even from this distance, Twilight could tell the cetacean was becoming annoyed. Again, it resumed its hunt and approached her, mouth open, rows of razor-sharp teeth shining in the sea-light. She gulped and gathered her courage. Only nine more jumps to go!
With a pop Twilight appeared next to Trixie, panting with exertion. “Wow... I’ve never... teleported... eleven times... in a row... that fast before! Okay, Trixie... now it’s your turn!" she called and pointed into the distance. A moment later a black form became visible, approaching at high speed.
Trixie's horn glowed and the image of a huge kraken appeared in the water between them and the orca. Its bulbous body was almost twice the size of the orca's but its many long tentacles made it seem even larger. It had black eyes the size of wagon wheels, and it sported a wickedly curved beak that it clacked like some demented parrot of the deep.
Wow, that's not half-bad! thought Twilight.
The sea monster waved its eight long tentacles menacingly. The orca reared in sudden panic and backed away. The illusory kraken moved through the water, apparently in hot pursuit.
Twilight smiled as she caught her breath. She had chosen the area carefully. The sea was much shallower here, limiting the orca's ability to swim above or below obstacles, and its movements were limited on one side by the sand dunes which rose almost to the surface. The orca had no choice but to retreat in the direction from which it had originally come, followed closely by Trixie's illusion.
Trixie, Twilight and Spike swam steadily to keep up. The blue sea-pony sported a predatory smile of her own. “Our plan is working brilliantly, Twilight!” she shouted in exultation.
Our plan? Twilight shook her head but held her tongue, focusing on catching her breath as Trixie began to pull ahead of her and Spike.
"Trixie, stay close!" called Twilight through gritted teeth. The blue sea-pony ignored her, forcing Twilight to redouble her efforts to catch up.
The apparition and the three sea-ponies steadily chased the orca major almost all the way back to the point where Twilight and Spike had first encountered the beast. By now Trixie and her illusion were several dozen pony lengths ahead of them and edging past the seamount where the chase had begun.
Suddenly the orca became highly agitated and refused to retreat any further. It rushed to-and-fro, and even began to make passes at the kraken. Trixie continued to press the illusion forward until it was quite close to the orca. With one last pass, the orca bared its teeth and rushed the fake kraken... passing straight through it! On the illusion’s other side, the orca paused and blinked at the kraken in surprise. With a slight hesitation, it swam around and passed through the illusion again. And then again.
“Oh, oh! Trixie, pull back!” Twilight shouted.
The orca, having had its fun with the fake kraken and judging it no longer a threat, decided to go back hunting. Scanning the area, it noticed a movement just beyond the illusion. A blue sea-pony swam suspended in the water. The orca advanced on its new prey.
Trixie looked around in panic as the orca major swam silently and inexorably towards her. The helpless blue mare's frantic swimming was getting her nowhere fast. Just as the predator was getting close, a small purple and green shape swam improbably fast right past the orca's snout. It was Spike, swimming for all he was worth. Seeing closer prey, the orca turned to follow him.
"No, Spike!" screamed Twilight, having almost caught up to the backpedaling Trixie. She looked on in horror as the predator swiftly closed in on Spike and with a lunge swallowed him in a single huge gulp. Twilight felt her limbs go limp. "Spiiiiike!" she heard her own voice scream out. The world slowed down and all she could hear was her own heartbeat. The orca banked through the water, turning back towards her.
The cetacean swam lazily forward while Twilight observed, unable to move. As it approached she saw the predatory hunger in its eyes. Then from nowhere a rope, its outline glowing, snaked around the orca and quickly wrapped it up in a twisting mass of strands. Its fins securely bound, the orca veered out of control, its toothy maw passing mere inches away from Twilight's immobile body. Trixie swam closer to where she and the bound seamonster drifted, horn glowing as she finished expertly tying the rope around the orca major.
Twilight stared at the orca, her face ashen. And then something wonderful happened: the orca breathed out a plume of green fire! The fire was instantly smothered by the water as the orca’s mouth gaped open in surprise.
"Spike!" she yelled, teleporting straight into the orca's mouth.
A moment later there was a double pop, and she reappeared, fins tight around a small green and purple form.
"ARE YOU CRAZY!? TELEPORTING INTO THE MOUTH OF A MONSTER!?" Spike shook a fin in Twilight's face. "You coulda been killed!" He looked up into her weeping face and melted into her embrace. "Jeez, Twi, don't do stuff like that."
"Then don't get yourself swallowed by a monster ever again," she managed to say through her sobs, holding on to her beloved little dragon.
"Hey, I could've handled it! It just took me a while to figure out how to breathe fire under water. You still have your magic here, so I figured under the skin I must still be a dragon here too.” He blushed. "Thanks anyway, Twi.”
She hugged the small figure to her face, incredibly happy just to hear his tiny heartbeat.
After a few moments Spike fidgeted in her embrace “Uh, Twi? I hate to tell you this, but we have another really big problem.”
"Come on, Spike, what could possibly be worse than being swallowed by a monster?" she asked with a sniffle.
"Being swallowed by another monster?" suggested Spike.
"WHAT!" Twilight turned around just in time to see another orca swim past them on the way to the bound orca major floating helpless.
"Is it just me, or does this one seem smaller?" remarked Spike, heaving a sigh of relief when the new orca passed them by.
"I think you're right. Oh my gosh!" she exclaimed when the second orca got close to the first one and circled it in obvious distress. "An orca minor! The second orca isn’t just small, it’s a calf, and the first one is its mother!"
Several emotions crossed Twilight’s face as she pondered the scene. Then a familiar haughty voice rang out.
"Follow me sea-ponies! The Great and Powerful Trixie has again proven the supremacy of her magic, and bested the orca major. Behold!" Trixie swam in their direction, a large school of sea-ponies led by Princess Alabaster close behind her. Many of them clutched harpoons in their fins.
"DON'T!" shouted Twilight.
"What!?" exclaimed Princess Alabaster, a look of incredulity on her face. "This monster is a major threat to this community and has caused many hardships already. It must be killed before it causes worse tragedies!"
"No it mustn't," cried Twilight. "It's just a mother providing for herself and her baby! It isn't evil! And I said I would drive it away, not kill it."
When the princess faced Twilight she had regained her equanimity. "Your sentiments are admirable, Twilight Sparkle, but I cannot afford such scruples when the lives of my sea-ponies are in danger. I'm sorry," she said. Her expression was sincere, and also resolute. She signalled the harpooners to close-in.
The orca major saw the approaching sea-ponies and redoubled her struggle to free herself. When several of the harpoon bearers approached her calf, she began to writhe fiercely, causing the ropes around her to stretch dangerously.
"Ha-ha-ha-hah!" gloated Trixie. "The creature will never escape the binds placed on it by the Great and Powerful Trixie! Ha-ha-ha... what?" She gaped in disbelief as the orca heaved mightily and broke several of the strands binding it. Free at last, it surged forward to defend its offspring. The harpooners scattered to a safe distance and watched while the orca major swam defensive circles around its calf. The two were still enclosed in a sphere of harpoon bearing sea-ponies, who after the momentary shock resumed closing-in.
"It doesn't have to be this way!" yelled Twilight. The sea-ponies ignored her cries and carefully inched to within harpooning range of the two orcas.
Twilight was still holding on to Spike, who looked on in shock. "Please Twi, you can't let this happen. It’s just a baby! You... you know what to do," he said. She looked at him, and then at the orca mother trying desperately to stay between the harpoons and her calf.
She paused only a moment and made her decision. Yes, I do, she thought. She teleported, Spike still clutched in her fins. They rematerialized in between the two orcas. Twilight's horn flashed purple and with a loud pop all four of them emerged from the teleport. Trixie, the princess and her sea-ponies were now barely visible in the distance.
Despite a bone-aching weariness, she decided not to take chances and teleported once more.
Spike, his guardian and the two orcas popped into existence with nothing but open space around them for as far as he could see. Even the slopes of the seamounts were nowhere to be seen. The sea bottom was far below, and the surface lay far above them. No fish, no sea-ponies and no possible shelter from sea monsters, he thought. Twilight's grip on him relaxed as her eyes slowly closed. "Oh no! Twi! Wake up! This isn't the time to fall asleep."
The dragon scanned the area around them. After their initial confusion at being teleported, the two orcas had put some distance between themselves and the two sea-ponies while the mother orca inspected its calf. Apparently reassured, they started circling the Ponyville pair just beyond reach. Having no other option, Spike swam to keep himself between the orcas and Twilight, in a reversal of their recent roles. He put on his bravest, most threatening face, and prepared his dragon fire for the inevitable attack.
The mother orca came to a halt, and looked at Spike first with one eye, and then with the other. To the little dragon she no longer appeared so predatory, and he began to relax his wary posture. After staring at him for a long moment, the orca major nodded once in his direction. Without even a glance behind the two orcas swam off with a burst of speed until he lost sight of them both.
He gazed at the sleeping mare, and then back in the direction in which the orcas had disappeared. She let us go! he thought. Hmm, she must have thought we were a mother and a foal too. He placed his purple fin next to Twilight's lavender coloured one. Who can blame her? We even look the same! He sighed and reluctantly pulled his limb away. Then looking back down at Twilight, he came to a realization. The very idea first shook him up, but then it made him smile. Some part of him he had thought empty, wasn't. He just hadn't known it. Tenderly, he latched onto the unconscious Twilight and began the laborious task of swimming back towards the sea-pony village.
Spike was still smiling when, almost an hour later, they met up with Princess Alabaster, Trixie and the sea-pony contingent halfway back to the seamounts. Nervous at being in an exposed location, the sea-ponies crowded around him and the immobile mare.
"Is she injured?" asked the princess, a look of concern on her face.
"No, Your Majesty, she just overextended herself a bit, and is sleeping it off," he replied.
"And what about the orcas?"
"They hightailed it out to deep sea right after we teleported," said Spike. "You frightened that momma orca really bad, Your Majesty, so I don’t think they’re ever coming back." The princess seemed relieved. "Your Majesty, we did what we promised, we drove the orca major off. Now, could you please send us back?"
"I am a sea-pony of my word, young Spike. Please convey our thanks to your associate when she wakes up," said the princess.
"Oh, she's not my associate –" he said as he beamed at the slumbering form of Twilight, "– she's my mother." The seascape around them faded to black.
Spike woke up on the beach, back under the shadow of the parasol. The heat of late afternoon on the beach lay as heavy as a woolen blanket over him, and the air itself felt thick as syrup as he rubbed sleep and sand from his eyes. Full awareness returned, and with it memory of teeth and panic below the waves. For a moment he thought it might have been just a dream, but then the taste of dragon fire in his mouth and the soreness of his body convinced him otherwise. "Twi, are you okay?" he asked, clutching Twilight's foreleg.
Her eyes opened slowly. "Spike," she said, her voice barely a whisper, "thank Celestia you're safe." She took a shallow gasp. "The orcas!"
"Hush, Twi. They're safe too, thanks to you." He patted her foreleg, his purple scales brushing her lavender fur.
Twilight considered a moment. "No, actually... it's really thanks to you." She paused again. "Spike, I kind of, I mean... listen." She held the baby dragon in a fierce hug. "You made the right choice when you told me to save the orca mother and her baby. It was a difficult situation and... well, I’ve never been more proud of you."
Spike felt as if his heart would burst. But Twilight wasn't finished yet. She looked into his eyes, her expression serious. "When your egg first hatched, I wasn't sure if I was capable of taking care of you. I wasn't sure what sort of dragon you would turn out to be, being raised by a pony. I want you to know something..." – she smiled – "I am very, very grateful to have you in my life, Spike. I guess... I guess that's all. I just wanted you to know that."
Spike didn't know what to say. And then he did.
"I love you too, mom."
Twilight blinked as the weight of that word settled into her heart. For a moment, she wasn't sure how to respond, or even if she should. But then a smile appeared on her muzzle, and her face brightened like Celestia's day.
"HEY, THEY'RE BACK!" Pinkie Pie popped up in front of Spike and Twilight. "GROUP HUG!" She launched herself onto the pair.
"INCOMING!" A blue streak flew in from above, crashing into the pile.
"YEE-HAW!" There was another shock and Spike was wearing a cowboy hat.
“Yay!” Fluttershy’s cheer was almost loud, as she jumped onto the pile.
"Spikey-wikey, where were you?" asked Rarity as she landed on top, keeping her sunbonnet on with one hoof.
The pile crumpled under its own weight into a bunch of laughing ponies and one baby dragon, and Twilight and Spike began relating their submarine adventure of the past few hours.
They never saw the blue unicorn mare with the pointed hat who suddenly appeared on the dunes a short distance away. Her eyes widened as she recognized the mares sitting with Spike and Twilight. Some of them had heckled her during her show in Ponyville. She hesitated. She had hoped to savor the feeling of victory at least for a short while before the world inevitably dealt her ego another blow, and besides, she wasn’t sure if she would be welcome. Taking one last long look at the happy group, she sniffed and turned away. Trixie galloped off, alone again.
The friends spent the rest of the day playing on the beach. In the evening they lit a campfire, told stories, and roasted marshmallows.
Twilight lay on a blanket with Spike curled up between her forelegs. "You know Spike, it's a pity I didn't get a chance to talk to Trixie before we were sent back," she said softly.
"What did you want to tell her?" he asked.
"Oh, I would have thanked her for saving my life for one. And to tell her that maybe this time we really did seem to work well together." She sighed, thinking of something else that might never have happened had she and Spike not been summoned to the sea-pony kingdom. Twilight grinned. "And to tell her that she was right."
Spike snuggled in closer." About what?"
Twilight wrapped a foreleg around his tiny form. "That you really did make a very cute sea-pony!" His only response was a smile. A few minutes later he was snoring softly.
Careful not to wake the little dragon, she levitated a quill and scroll of paper to where she could see them in the light of the campfire.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned that sometimes first impressions can be very misleading. A monster you feared might just be a mother with a baby to feed. Someone you’ve met once and thought was a fake might turn out be quite capable when given the chance. And someone you’ve known for a long time might be more than just a friend, and your heart only discovers it when you come close to losing him.
I want to thank you for asking me to raise Spike. I was so afraid when you did, and I only accepted because it was you who asked. But now I have to say that he is a big part of my happiness. I’m so glad to have him, and I wouldn’t trade places with anypony in the world.
Oh, and one more thing. Just like Spike, I know how it feels to be taken under somepony’s wing. Thank you for being there for me for all these years.
With love and affection, your most faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
She rolled up the scroll and put it away in her saddle bag as Spike slept blissfully on. She looked down at him, lowered her muzzle, and planted a tender kiss on his forehead. “I love you too, Spike,” she whispered into the night.
Twilight looked up at Luna's moon gracing a spectacular, star spangled summer night's sky. From the trees beyond the beach frogs sang their evening serenade, accompanied by the crackling of the fire and her friends' chatter, hushed whispers, giggles, gasps and laughter. She took a deep breath and smelled beach, evening breeze, campfire, friendship... and family.
- end -
In loving memory of Mary-Ann.
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I started writing a sea-pony story for the 9th TCB competition, but it took on a life of its own and went in another direction. It's not TCB, but it is about sea-ponies, and more importantly it is about Twilight Sparkle and Spike and the special bond between them. Oh, and yes, this is my first fic with TGP Trixie. I avoided this as long as I could, but this time she would not stay away.
It has Trixie being Trixie, it has Spike being heroic (even without Rarity watching) and there are seaponies without "Sho be doo".
~yay~
Even wile the story is a bit jumpy, the end is worth it.
Have a
Hmmm, I usually see them portrayed as brother and sister, but that just made this a unique take! Solid story, if a bit rough. Nothing a good pre-reader couldn't clean up. I'm glad I took the time to read this!
959693, 980453 and Chatoyance,
I very much look forward to your feedback on this revised version. Did it fix the problems? Did it add more? Most importantly did it result in a more satifying story to read?
BTW - Big thanks to Chatoyance for some major help just when I was about to give up on this story. She's right - our stories are like our kids. They certainly deserve some TLC.
993976
Thank you for the revision, it is a much smoother read now, yet the essential massage remaines intact. Very nice.
I'm still kind of undecided about the way you play the Twilight-Trixie thing: First Twilight loathed Trixie (Why? The Events in "Boast Buster" did not indicate hate on Twilight's side.), but in the end Twilight softens up to her because Trixie saved her.
Trixie on the other hand is unusually modest about the fact that she can not deal with he orca alone but succumbs to her usual character during the fight. In the end she leaves without so much grandstanding.
That's the exact opposite of how I would have expected the characters to act.
Now, this is probably the most unimportant part of the story but it is the only thing I can still nitpick about, and so I did!
Sue me!
998566
I was unsure how Twilight would react to Trixie when I was first writing this story. But I reviewed the transcript to Boast Busters and it came to me that despite Twilight's best attempts not burst Trixie's balloon and having to face the consequences of Trixie's boasts on her own, Trixie did not apologize nor did she thank Twilight for saving the town (I.e. all the ponies Twi is learning to love at this stage in season 1). Trixie justs makes another boast and then turns her back on Twilight. My assumption is that once the hoopla is over with Twilight would feel hurt, and that as her attachment to Ponyville grew over the next few months so would her indignation at Trixie's callousness.
On Trixie's modesty in admitting she needed help, it wasn't modesty. She was cornered by the sea-pony Princess into either having to admit she hadn't bested the Ursa Major, or live with having to deal with the Orca Major. She chose to hang onto her pride (surprise, surprise) but then who better to help her in her dire circumstance than the very mare who took care of the Ursa Minor in Ponyville. And by the way, the only pony she truly explained herself to was Twilight, in front of whom she had nothing left to lose.
As to how Trixie left without so much as a word to the others, Twilight was surrounded by her Ponyville friends who had not been very well disposed to Trixie. I think she really wanted to speak with Twilight, and that the event presented the possiblity to truly start a friendship with her.What she would have said, we'll never know. Maybe that would be worth pursuing in a future story.
999175
Well, the outcome of "Boast Busters" is one of the more controversial discussions.
Trixie is one of the most interesting characters because of her moral ambiguity.
And because she is great and powerful, of course!
999550
And tragic. In a world of friendship she is alone. [fakerussianaccent]Big drama in little pony.[/fakerussianaccent]
Trixie gave Spike consideration and thinks he's cute. This MADE the fanfic for me, in addition to the part where he saved her life. These are two characters I would love to see the fandom ship from time to time.
During the initial encounter with the Orca Major, there should have been more words between the characters. Without dialog to break things up, the scene is just a dry description of events. The loss of several citizens to a predator was disturbingly glazed over. We don't see any of the pain or vengeance the seaponies must be experiencing after losing children to it, and I certainly don't see why Spike and Twilight were so horrified by the idea of killing the Orcas. If there's a creature that poses a threat to a society and has caused deaths, then it needs to be removed by any means. Relocation is obviously the first choice, but if that option isn't available, it's time to break out the guns and put the animal down. Twilight's risk suggested that she values wildlife more than her or Spike's own lives.
And as for that connection between Spike and Twilight, I'll be brutally honest: I hate it when people see a mother/son relationship between them. I think the reason people keep making that mistake is because it's easy for all of us to empathize with Twilight as adults, which makes us see her as older and more mature than she actually is even though she's still a teenager in the show. And since Spike is so clearly a child, albeit a mature one, people get the impression that he's much younger than Twilight than he actually is. Spike is, at most, six or seven years younger than Twi. Heck, he's more mature for his age than Twilight probably is for hers. She doesn't act toward him like a mother, but a friend or big sister who sometimes has to step into the role of a mother. The show is aimed at children who are supposed to relate to Twilight, which means they're obviously meant to see Spike as a little brother figure, not a son. The mane six are not adults, and Spike's inclusion in the cast is, among other things, meant to demonstrate inclusiveness, to show girls that they don't have to pick their friends exclusively from the same demographic. Spike is meant to be on equal footing as the ponies, not a child among grown-ups. Celestia's the authority figure. I certainly hope this interpretation of their relationship dies soon.
Heh, kinda let the fanfic slip away from me there... But since the story arc was mostly about their relationship, my rant is still kinda applicable, right? Anyways, aside from those drawbacks, a very good story. Trixie was entertaining.
1191329
Thanks for the comments. I am currently in a rewrite and will include your input.
As to your comments, I wanted Trixie to come off a much more rounded character than what we got on the show. I also might do a follow up story to better explore the potential rapprochement between Twilight and Trixie, a s well as Spike and Trixie.
As to your comment about not liking the parent/child thing, I agree that the brother/sister relationship is the obvious canon, but things like the ice-cream abuse Spike did in "It's about Time" also show that Twilight does take the parental role with Spike, at least to an extent. I do think as both get older they will realize that and see it as more important.
One other aspect in the new version is the mirror this plays on the relationship between Twilight and Princess Celestia. I have emphasized this in the new closing sequence of the story. If you have a moment please take a look and comment on the new version: Filial V3 on Google docs
I am trying for the 3rd and final time to get the story on EQD. I got some rather nice feedback from the previous pre-readers, but this is my last chance. Any advice would be welcome.
Dafaddah
I just put up version 3 of Filial. Major changes in show don't tell category. Also, a key addition to the closing scene - a letter to Celestia moment for Twilight. I'll leave this up a few days and then resubmit for the 3rd and final time to EQD. ALL comments and suggestions will be most appreciated.
Dafaddah
Take a bow, son. That was boss.
howtobeasalesmanbook.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/objection-handling.jpg
Okay, I like this story. I didn't want to say anything, but it must be addressed.
The Orcas must be punished.
If I understand correctly, these monsters killed around 12 sea-ponies, causing broken homes and families and caused great destruction. And just when he's about to get it, Twilight comes in and saves him.
All that pain and suffering and absolutely nothing was done about it!
Think about it in real-life terms!
"Hmm." said the judge. "Mister Major. I heard that you killed many people in your tirade. A mass murderer if you will.
"Yes, your honor." replied Major. "But I have a family!"
"Seems Legit. No penalty, court adjourned."
How does that make any sense in any way? Letting a murderer get away with murder without ANY consequence.
I'm sorry Twilight, but was your brother eat in front of your very eyes? Did you have to deal with the heartache and sorrow?! NO! Hell, he tried to EAT. SPIKE. And yet after 12 murders and an attempted murder, what happens?
JACKSHIT.
I can't get over how STUPID such an ending is! I mean come on! Animal or not, family or not, that thing killed innocent sea-ponies and therefore MUST. BE. PUNISHED.
Fuck you, Twilight! Fuck you...
Still liked the story though. That hasn't changed.
I just can't get over how idiotic such an ending was.
Anyway, now that I'm done ranting, I hope we could talk about this. I mean, I'd love to hear your thoughts and reasoning.
-SuperChaosKG
(P.S. Be Edgeworth! )
2108503
There are two ways I can approach this: the basic legal issue involved, and the usage of the Orcas in the plot.
First, from a legal standpoint, the Orcas are dumb animals, not sentient beings. Momma just wants to feed her cub (same as a wolf cub, tiger cub, etc...) This is the circle of life, NOT premeditated hippocampacide (since they were in the shape of sea-horses when all this happened
) In the MLP universe some animals are sentient and some are not, and one would assume carnivores (like Applejack's dog Winnona) need to get their protein from somewhere. But you don't bring a bear up to a judge for eating the salmon. The orcas were in a similar situation to the dog and the wolf - bright, but not sentient and therefore not legally culpable (or even capable) of a crime.
Second, the plot: the orcas are a device to get Spike to recognize the true nature of his relationship with Twilight. She is his parent in all but name, but he has to realize this emotionally and intellectually. The orca mother's reversals of fortune from predator to prey back to predator is intentional as I wanted to Spike to empathize with the bond between the mother and cub, and then see the emotional parallel it had with the bond between Twilight and Spike. I also wanted to choose a predator intelligent enough to have an emotional relationship with its offspring, so sharks were out of the question! I also wanted a predator intelligent enough to realize that it had been saved by its intended prey, and also recognize that its saviors were a mother and offspring. BUT the predator in question could not be sentient, otherwise she could have just told Spike and Twi they were mother and child, and the whole 'self-dicovery' angle would have been shot.
One last thing, why have Spike and Twilight become sea-ponies? (Other than that was the theme of the writing contest for which I originally wrote this story!) For once Twilight and Spike were the same species, if only temporarily. That is the great chasm that sets them apart. I wanted to eliminate it and thus remove that barrier to Spike and Twilight's perceptions of each-other. Your emotional response to the story tells me that this seems to have worked. But then YOU tell me if it worked. (Please.)
Good story!
I really don't mind whether it's Twilight and Spike as a brother/sister or son/mother thing. The line between seems awfully blurry in canon, as Twi sometimes does act in a parental role and often they seem equals like siblings, so everyone has their own perspective on what it is. I wouldn't even mind TwiSpike as couple, though it's not my preferred view but if it's written with grace and respect, it could work. I don't care, I just enjoy it.
This story has been reviewed byThe Equestrian Critics Society
Story Title: Filial
Author: Dafaddah
Reviewed by: Charelzzz
Filial is a well-written comedy-adventure that is enjoyable, vivid, exciting and safe for all ages. Thought pictures come to mind effortlessly in this 5,000 word story, with a considerable amount of action packed into the short format. It is a good story that is quick and easy on the eyes; it deserves a read.
Score: 7.4/10
Full Review
2661640
Thanks a million for the revue. This type of in-depth analysis means a lot to me as a writer. It's the wellspring of the better author I wish to become!
On to your analysis, it points out a few weaknesses that I should address, starting with its brevity. You're not the first person to comment that giving it more space (especially description of the environment) would likely make the story an easier and more satisfying read. I have been (justifiably) accused of sometimes spending more effort on world building than I should. Perhaps this time I overcompensated as I really wanted to focus on Twilight and Spike's emotional relationship.
Also, the point about Twilight's evident coldness towards the plight of the Sea-Ponies has been mentioned before in comments. That is an aspect I need to fix in the story. Again, I glossed over that aspect to focus more light on Twilight's genuine sensitivity to Spike's feelings, despite her periodic behaviour on the show.
Overall, thank you for this feedback. I will spend a bit time with this story this summer. Perhaps then it will pass on its third - and final - attempt at EQD!
Sincerely,
Dafaddah
2662017 This is already a good story but I think it could be the nucleus of a great story. Good luck with EQD!
My main gripe with this story is the scarce scenario description. It mostly works above the water, but leaves me with almost nothing to imagine the underwater scenario.
I also found Trixie a bit too... tame... with Twilight. And there is a bit too little emotion about the Orca's previous actions, and too little fear and concern from the characters as they are trying to deal with the Orca. For the most part that scene feels more like they are playing a video-game, where they respawn if they die, than a life and death situation.
That being said, and while it could be improved, it's not bad. And I always could use more (non-shipping) Trixie
3756847
Thanks for the feedback. You raise very valid points. I've been wanting to revisit Filial and will do so as soon as I'm finished with my current ongoing novel-length story Renaissance Pony.
Something that I've learned in the last year is that I need to invest more time and effort to setting the scene. I hope my more recent fics show my improvement in technique in that regards. If so, its mainly thanks to readers leaving comments (like you have) and long suffering editors and pre-readers.
VBR/Daf
3757433
Well, Alone is better in about every aspect, including the scenario descriptions, so yeah, I think you have improved nicely
You're most welcome!
I support Mama Twilight
I hope they eventually touch on this relationship in the show. I believe it would make a very neat episode!
Good story you have here. Clearly pre-magic duel, but that makes sense considering the original publishing date.
The story was well written, few awkward sentences, good grammar. Well done on the technicals I'd say.
The plot was rather straight forward. The Call, rising action, the climax, the return. A solid and satisfying structure. Though I did find the setting a bit fan-service-y, the story could have worked anywhere else just fine, it didn't need to be underwater and didn't really take advantage of that setting. But, seaponies are cool, so its all good.
Characters are where this story shines, of course. I found the revelation of a parent-child relationship to be a refreshing departure from the more standard sibling assumption. Personally I don't think either of these quite capture the reality of their relationship, but i'm not sure there is a word that does. A competent and helpful Spike and a sympathetic and aware Trixie are welcome characterizations.
Like the underwater setting and the seaponies, Trixie's presence also seems to be a bit of fan-service. She gets some welcome character development, but it barely seems relevant to the story. Still, its nice to meet up with and old friend and she certainly doesn't detract from the story in my opinion.
The minor characters really only exists to facilitate the plot, which goes back to my earlier point about the setting being a bit underutilized. It makes it a bit difficult to be invested in their plight. But It also makes Twilight's ethical stand all the stronger, she will do the right thing even with less knowledge than most people would about the situation. At any rate, the story isnt about the minor characters.
Very enjoyable!
4782415
Thanks for the great analysis of this story! As you very clearly identify, the hardest decision for me to make was what aspects and characters I would keep peripheral to the story. It was a potentially rich setting, and, of course, Trixie!
However, I wanted this story to have the feel of an episode of the show, so I couldn't spend too much time on the setting, and had to carefully keep Spike and Twilight in focus to give a visual flow more consistent with that format.
I don't know that I'll use this format again in a story – I tend to draw things out more – but I'm glad I tried it at least once.
Who is Mary-Ann
4782958
She's my mom. I wrote the first draft of this story on the first anniversary of her passing. Thanks for asking.
I found this is a good story, sea-pony Storys is not something I come across often
. I found it an enjoyable story. But my mind instantly thought of Trixie when 'The Blue Mage' was mentioned because Trixie is a pretty powerful unicorn on some levels and she's ,well, blue. Like I said it is a great story. good job and keep up the good work
4784133 let her rest in peace
I bet she was a wonderful mother
4784850
She was the best! (A lot like
, but without the lisp.) My dad's great too. I guess I kinda lucked-out on the parent side of life. 
Very well written story. Could have used more description of the underwater parts, but other than that it was awesome.
I love this story! It's just so sweet!
4785772
Your kind words are most welcome, Igor.
4785930 It's no problem. I really like the way that this story captures the warmth between Spike and Twilight - their relationship seemed really genuine and you believed it when Spike called her mom. I also love the underwater setting and the sea ponies - that was a creative way to bring in things from series past. I also liked that Trixie got a bit of redemption here yet was still very much in character. The underwater setting could have used a bit more fleshing out - more details on the way the seaponies live there and what it looks like could have been a good source of imagery and helped establish the world - but this was an awesome story.
Beautiful.
Did Trixie is forever alone?
Hi there!
Honestly, I'm not really good at critiquing people's writing - I'm more used to drawing on their bodies. But as requested, I wanted to leave you some feedback.
First and most important, my sincere and heartfelt condolences about your Mom. That's honestly what really touched me the most about this story, and what sucked me in - it was personal. A really lovely story in and of itself - a bit of adventure, plenty of cuteness, and some feels. It's all the ingredients for an enjoyable read.
But what made it so worthwhile was the heart that very obviously went into it. Thank you for sharing.
This is Midnight Rambler to Dafaddah, transmitting from WRITE's secret headquarters in
the frozen northdarkest Africathe Ottoman Empirea very secret place.The vibe I get from this story is that you're going for original flavour: the kind of atmosphere and subject matter that might be found in the show itself, or in the comics. (Okay, it was mostly the seaponies that made me think of the comics at first, but the point remains.)
Original flavour isn't what I usually go for, but it's a perfectly valid choice, and can produce wonderfully entertaining stories when done well. Unfortunately, I don't think this is one of those stories. I'll try and explain why.
The story opens relatively strongly, with a good description of where Twilight is and what that place is like. However, right after that, we get one of its weakest moments: Twilight's reflections on her early years with Spike. Abstract ideas like those should be worked into the story subtly, not dropped on our heads as a single big blob – especially not so early in the story.
The second scene brings more problems. Most importantly, I couldn't figure out where it took place. When you described Twilight and Spike "floating" above "the sand", my initial picture of the situation was that they were still at the beach, only the water had risen and they were now floating around on the surface. Only much later does it become clear that the scene actually takes place in the depths of the sea, away from the shore.
This problem persists throughout the story (though it's a lot less bad than in that scene). Your story takes place in an amazing, exotic underwater world – so draw us in there! Tell us what it's like! Paint us the picture! Immersion (no pun intended) requires that readers can visualise what's going on, and visualisation requires input from you. Especially in an exotic setting like this, you've got loads of opportunities for colourful descriptions. Use them.
The Featureless Plane of Disembodied Dialogue is a scary place, and I don't want to go there. This story comes dangerously close at times, especially in the aforementioned second scene.
My biggest beef with this story, though, is that it feels... dull. There's very little tension, emotion or urgency. In other words, it feels as if the characters don't really care all that much. This passage is a rare exception:
It's offset by the rest of the orca fight scene. For most of the scene Twilight seems more excited about the orca than scared or on edge, and even that doesn't shine through very well. Earlier in the story, waking up as a seapony doesn't get much more than a "Huh. That's interesting" out of her, either. It's like she has valium in her bloodstream where there should be adrenaline.
Spike isn't much better:
Spike thinks he's about to die here, and he's making a heroic last stand for Twilight, even though he knows it'll be in vain. A moment like that should have a lot more emotional impact than this. The dry, matter-of-fact writing ("put some distance between", "having no other option", etc.) really doesn't cut it here – you'll need to pull out a lot more stops. Show us how terrified Spike is of the giant, hungry jaws approaching him! How his life flashes before his eyes! How all his instincts scream at him to flee, but something deep within him drives him to stay and protect Twilight! How this is it, the final moment!
Speaking of emotional impact, there's the great epiphany Spike has at the end: that he sees Twilight as his mother. If the story's title is anything to go by, this is supposed to be the central theme – and yet it comes almost out of nowhere. A grand realisation like this should be set up carefully in thousands of words of development, not tacked on as an afterthought.
And that's not the only thing that feels tacked on. What's Trixie doing in this story exactly? She's there mostly as a tool – the one who tells the seaponies about Twilight – and doesn't get a lot of attention or development of her own. You could leave her out entirely, have the seaponies approach Twilight on their own (with some vague tale of how they "heard about her great feats") and you wouldn't miss much.
Moving on to purely mechanical aspects, I'd strongly advise you not to use exclamation marks except in dialogue. They look weird and often break atmosphere. Colons are best left out entirely.
Also:
New speaker, new paragraph. It's the one golden rule of dialogue punctuation, and frankly I was surprised to see it broken in a story with otherwise impeccable grammar.
This story has lots of issues, stretching from its basic building blocks to the finer details of the execution. The first thing I'd advise you to work on, though, is conveying emotion and tension through prose. You'll need to get better at that if you want to write engaging stories.
Signing off,
Midnight Rambler, WRITE's Flying Dutchman
4963849
Thanks for the review, although I have to admit I was hyperventilating just a little bit...
You've presented some strong critiques of several aspects of the story, and for that I am grateful. You've specifically pointed out one scene which I also consider very week: the initial arrival of Twilight and Spike in the seapony kingdom. Depicting Twilight's gradual discovery of her circumstances without making it obvious from the reader's perspective may have led more to confusion than a shared sense of surprise.
Having Trixie as a character was a deliberate choice, as I wanted to contrast the concepts of deception of others against that of the self-deception all individuals practice in their life. I thought Twilight's letter to Celestia at the end made that clear.
The comments about the lack of scene description have been made before, and I thought I had beefed this up in the most recent version. Perhaps it wasn't enough! More food of thought, and future edits.
A final note on the emotional impacts: you're right! My original concept for this story that it be just like an episode of the show. But a written story (unlike a video or movie) gives a lot more scope for discovery of the characters' internal life, emotions and thought processes. I need to beef that up in this story.
Thanks for the review!
5677534
You have no idea how much it cost me personally to restrain myself from 'she-do'ing all over the place when writing this story!
Twilight cringed as she floated in the waters.
"Spike! The Orca-major is coming back!"
"She-doop-ee-doop!" said her number one assistant as he swayed his fins back and forth in imitation of lazy sea currents.
"Spike! I said stop doing that!"
I just finished reading the story. It’s kinda funny that many of these things became canon. It was an excellent story that feels like an actual episode from Faust’s MLP. You treated Trixie with respect because she was/is just a show pony, a stage actor, and not a horrible self-diluted villain as many rather dumb fans had treated her. Then you showed Spike for what he really is: a child who sees Twilight as his mother even if she didn’t get it. These two things alone filled me with a sense of relief, so thank you for that.
There is something I cannot hold back though: I believe the seaponies had every right to kill that orca, both of them actually, and should have done so, because they were incapable of being convinced not to eat sentient creatures. I am not saying that I am numb to the emotional pain that would cause Twilight, Spike, and the seaponies knowing that in the orcas’ minds they were only doing what they needed to do to survive, but the fact is that the orca major had killed seaponies in that area. At that point, the orca is no longer a potential threat but an active causing-irrepairable-damage-right-now threat.
Driving them off was not the answer, because for all they know, the reason those orca showed up is because another sea pony city drove them off. Over time of eating so many seaponies and then getting to go free without a scratch, the orcas would breed themselves into a number that cannot be driven off and cannot be fought. I’m not saying that the seaponies should mount a quest to slaughter orcas to extinction, but in order to keep from becoming prey to an unstoppable amount of predators, they must do their part to keep the balance of nature.
And why must the orca calf be killed too? Even if the orca calf didn’t kill any seaponies, it needs its mother to survive, but the mother must die. It would be cruel to kill the mother in front of the calf only to let it go and die slowly from not being able to take care of itself, and even if unable to understand that its own predatory nature is what caused this to occur, it would not be able to wrap its mind around that fact, and only see the cruelty of “monsters” killing its mother. Therefore, it would either die in physical and emotional anguish or live after physical and emotional anguish only to continue being as great or a greater threat to the seaponies.
Being the cause of either of those cruelties is what makes people choose not to act at all and let both go thinking that they have made the kinder choice, but the way I see it to mirror a common analogy, is that: Twilight, Spike, and the seaponies are on a moving train where the track diverges, if they flip the switch, they kill one orca who has killed seaponies and one who may not have, and if they don’t choose to kill them and let the train take its course, the train kills every seapony the orcas will eat in the future. It’s easy to take no action and pretend to be guiltless, but the way I see it, this is not a matter of choosing to be a killer or not, but a matter of choosing how many violent and tragic deaths for which each of them are responsible.
9192988
I’m glad you liked the story. On your one concern, if you review the part of the story where the Orca’s attacks are mentioned, you’ll see that this Orca only attacks fish farms and had not killed any sea-ponies. Because I really wanted this story to follow the childrens’ show tone of a regular episode of course nopony could actually get killed! Mind you, it did finally swallow Spike, but of course he wasn’t killed either. It’s also important to keep in mind that the show tries to teach the idea that conflict should be resolved via Friendship, not violence. Nevertheless, you’re right. Were this scenario more true to life, and not just a morality play for kids, Twilight’s insistence on not killing the Orcas could be considered irresponsible in regards to the lives of the seaponies.
9195715
I did miss that it was only the sea-ponies' fish farms that were attacked and not the sea-ponies themselves. That makes the episode sweeter.
You can has review!
Well done, Author. Well done.