<

DemPonies

Joined March 2012
55 followers

Stories (1)

  • Twilight's Odyssey
    In an Equestria without Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle gets lost in a crowd during the Summer Sun Celebration. Unbeknownst to her, she will set a series of events into motion that will change the fates of both the nation and her life, forever.

    29,604 words · 3,793 views · 350 likes · 6 dislikes

Blog Posts (5)

Source

In an Equestria where Discord never was, and the Pony Princesses never came to power, a young Twilight Sparkle loses her family in a crowd during the Summer Sun Celebration. Little does she know that her very existence is about to set a series of events into motion that will take her far beyond the borders of Equestria itself—and change the fates of both her nation and her life, forever.

First Published
9th Sep 2012
Last Modified
16th Dec 2013

Comments ( 146 )

#1 · Chapter 0 · 84w, 4d ago · · ·

Phew, finally done! :ajsmug:

Sorry if parts of the prologue might be a bit drab. The details of it will be important later, I promise! :twilightsmile:

Meanwhile, please accept Chapter 1 as compensation.

#2 · Chapter 1 · 84w, 4d ago · · ·

And that is Chapter 1, thank you for reading! :yay:

If you have any suggestions on how I might improve the story or my writing, please don't hesitate to tell me. Also, I'm looking for a proofreader who might be interested in checking through this (and future chapters) for grammar errors. If you feel up to the task, PM me!

While I'm at it, I would also like to thank Halcyon for helping me make this a much more enjoyable read. You're the best! :raritywink:

#3 · Chapter 0 · 84w, 4d ago · · ·

Hmm, an elaboration of an alternate founding of Equestria, intruiging. I shall read on!

#4 · Chapter 1 · 84w, 4d ago · · ·

Great job completely reworking the political structure of Equestria! This separation of the three pony races makes this story quite fascinating.

#5 · Chapter 1 · 84w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1243351

Curious concept, I'm interested to see if this will be a self-contained AU or if you plan to have it be one of those "things went wrong, we need to fix them" AUs. Mustache on! :moustache:

#6 · Chapter 1 · 84w, 4d ago · · ·

Exelent!  Another story to feed to my insatiable hunger for good alt universe fiction!

#7 · Chapter 0 · 84w, 4d ago · · ·

Huh...an alternate history for Equestria that actually looks interesting.  Color me intrigued.  

#8 · Chapter 1 · 84w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1244790

I'm not gonna tell :scootangel:

... or, if you really want to know, I could.

#9 · Chapter 1 · 84w, 4d ago · · ·

This is looking pretty promising so far.  

#10 · Chapter 1 · 84w, 4d ago · · ·

Not a bad start! Not sure where this is all going, but it's caught my interests. I'm always looking for a good alternate universe story.

The beginning, with the leaders, was done well, if a bit dry. But, it's not easy to make politics interesting when one's not a fan of C-Span.

Readability is very good and I didn't find any stumbling points. Everything flowed well.

Looking forward to more!

#11 · Chapter 1 · 84w, 3d ago · · ·

I wish for more....Do you have an update schedule?

Also, does this mean Cadance doesnt exist? or is she a unicorn...or a winged unicorn as some people seem to think she is.

#12 · Chapter 1 · 84w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1253695

Unfortunately, no. :fluttershysad:

Sadly enough, real life (like school and social obligations) takes time away from my personal projects and hobbies (this story being one of several). I'll try to write whenever I have the time and inclination, but chances are this will only be sporadically updated. :pinkiesad2:

The good news is that I already have a few chapters that are mostly done, they just have to be refined until I deem them worthy to be published. :ajsmug:

In the end, the easiest way to get updates is to either favourite or follow.

As for whether Cadance exists or not is for me to know and you to find out :trollestia:

#13 · Chapter 1 · 84w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1253757

You drive a hard bargain my good sir...Or at least you would have if i hadnt already faved this like a week ago, or three days as it were.

#14 · Chapter 1 · 84w, 2d ago · · ·

I think Celestia and Luna should still be alive, but sorta exiled by the populace due to being "freaks" Since Discord never came around, the two sisters would still likely be alive but without their cutie marks and living modestly in a mountainside or something.

#15 · Chapter 1 · 84w, 2d ago · · ·

This is really interesting, I can't wait to see how all this will go. :twilightsmile:

a3V
#16 · Chapter 1 · 84w, 2d ago · · ·

I'm interested in seeing how you're going to have your AU work out, so I'll be keeping an eye on this.

#17 · Chapter 1 · 84w, 1d ago · · ·

I have a bad feeling that rainbow doesn't pull off the sonic rainboom and twi fails her entrance exam:twilightoops:.

#18 · Chapter 1 · 84w, 1d ago · · ·

WOAH, I CANNOT WAIT

#19 · Chapter 1 · 81w, 5d ago · · ·

I am enjoying this story, I hope to read more soon. :heart:

#20 · Chapter 1 · 78w, 1d ago · · ·

Enjoying and following myself. Curious to see what happens to cause the visions Twilight had to happen. Suppose we'll see.

#21 · Chapter 1 · 77w, 2d ago · · ·

Rewrite.

Please read this blog for info and progress update.

#22 · Chapter 1 · 77w, 10h ago · · ·

Watching and waiting for updates.

I only read your story after the rewrite and I can honestly say that from my impressions, whatever it said, you didn't need it. Good work on pruning your fic down and culling the dead wood. As Esther Freud said, "Editing is everything. Cut until you can cut no more. What is left often springs into life."

Your opening chapter is 4,417 words long. If you can write 500 words a day you'll have a second chapter in less than ten days.

Make yourself a promise to post how many words you've written each day in your blog. Keep this promise.

Why are you waiting?

#23 · Chapter 1 · 76w, 5d ago · · ·

>>1543647

Thanks for the advice! I've set up a box on my profile with daily progresses, for those who are interested :pinkiesmile:

#24 · Chapter 1 · 68w, 22h ago · · ·

Quite the marked improvement over the draft I worked on, DemPonies. I'm quite impressed. :twilightsmile:

Expect me to begin work on chapter two sometime tonight or tomorrow.

#25 · Chapter 2 · 63w, 6d ago · 4 · ·

Holy crap an update o.o, very good chapter :D cant wait to read more

#26 · Chapter 2 · 63w, 6d ago · 2 · ·

It's kind of weird how much I've been looking forward to this, considering it's more or less still a retelling of the first episode without the Princesses (although the Fancypants cameo made me inordinately happy). Maybe because I saw it occasionally on the review boards. Well that, and the fact that it's well-written and entertaining. :pinkiesmile:

#27 · Chapter 2 · 63w, 6d ago · · ·

>>2057515

Thanks a bunch, Bronetheus! Means a lot coming from you. I haven't forgotten your help with the first chapter :twilightsmile:

If it makes you happier, I can tell you this isn't the last we'll see of Fancy :raritywink:

#28 · Chapter 2 · 63w, 6d ago · · ·

Yay an update that chapter had my heart thumping with all the suspense.

#29 · Chapter 2 · 63w, 6d ago · 1 · ·

I like the fleshed out world you're using, and going into more detail about Twilight's journey. Still not sure where all this is going, but it's been entertaining regardless.

Curious to see just what it took for Twilight to calm down after her magic overload. No princess to swoop in and save the day this time!

Keep at it!

#30 · Chapter 2 · 63w, 6d ago · · ·

Man, I was having my doubts about this story, but so far I'm not disappointed! Great job!:yay:

#31 · Chapter 2 · 63w, 6d ago · · ·

Well... at least no pony died.:twilightsmile:

#32 · Chapter 2 · 63w, 6d ago · · ·

You have no idea how much I'm enjoying this. I had to stop reading to finish my "Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes!" episode.

Worldbuilding details that are well thought out, well-written, a good premise, and foreshadowing. What's not to love?

#33 · Chapter 2 · 63w, 5d ago · · ·

:yay:I've been really waiting for this to update - It's a great concept and your writing is well done, can't wait to see where you take it.:twilightsmile:

#34 · Chapter 2 · 63w, 5d ago · · ·

I would love to see a non alicorn Celestia and Luna in the story as the managers of moving the sun and moon. (They use a magical power increaser in order to gain the needed umph, plus its their cutie marks to have a natural talent in doing it.)  Best part, then when Twiley meets Celestia, Celestia can tell Twilight that no, she doesn't move it by herself; she isn't some demigod princess or something :trollestia:

#35 · Chapter 2 · 63w, 5d ago · · ·

Took a while to update, but certainly worth the wait! Keep it up!

#36 · Chapter 2 · 63w, 5d ago · · ·

Does that mean that updates will now come more frequently?

Otherwise a nice update. I'm wondering where it will go, given that there won't be a Nightmare Moon to spice things up.

#37 · Chapter 2 · 63w, 5d ago · · ·

dis b gud:pinkiehappy:

i look forward to the next chapter of this tale:pinkiehappy:

#38 · Chapter 2 · 61w, 1d ago · 1 · ·

Hi. I'm your reviewer. Let's get right down to business.

Overall, I think the prose of your first chapter was well written. You had the right amount of description mixed in with the right amount of Twilight's thoughts. Personally, I felt as if I was actually walking through the streets of Canterlot with Twilight, which is always the mark of good writing. However, there were some problems.

First off, you do not have a good hook at the beginning of the story to keep the reader invested. While you focus mostly on world building and character development in the first chapter, which is a valid goal in storytelling, I feel as if nothing really happened. There was really nothing to grab my attention and hold me, and to be honest, I got bored pretty quickly. Apart from the foreshadowing at Trixie's tent, most of the chapter was just walking and talking.

Which, again, is all fine and dandy. But I believe that stuff should come later, once the reader is actually invested in the story. Grab a book off a shelf, or look at any good fanfiction right here on this site if you don't have any books, and look up how they open their stories. Their first few lines. It usually starts off with something completely unexpected, or in the midst of some action. Therefore, I would suggest moving the scene with all the unicorns raising the sun to the very beginning. Although it would mess up your chronology of events a bit, all it would need to work is some minor rethinking to get the pieces to fall into place. I'm confident you can pull that off.

Speaking of unicorns raising the sun, why is Princess Platinum alive? You stated that she has ruled for 1500 years, and yet you also described her as just a unicorn. I know this is alternate universe, but that is not an excuse to ignore canon completely and make up whatever you want. So far, only alicorns have been implied to be immortal. If you want Platinum as the ruler, you'll have to explain why she isn't dead sooner rather than later, to avoid the type of knee-jerk reaction I had to it when I first read it. Preferably explain it very soon after she's first mentioned.

On to the second chapter. After comparing this chapter to your first, it was as if I was reading something completely different. Your first few paragraphs especially were riddled with telling. I understand you wanted to skip through all that studying stuff and get to the "meat" of your chapter, but you can't sacrifice quality of writing to do that. This chapter's descriptiveness should remain on par what you've set in the precedent.

Furthermore, this chapter destroys any interest I would have had in your story otherwise. Your first chapter wasn't very exciting, sure, but it was building an alternate universe and taking us for an in-depth look into what it's like to be in this Canterlot that we haven't seen on that level in the show before. This chapter, however, was simply telling us a story we already know. The show explained all too well how Twilight got her cutie mark and what happened at her entrance exam. Simply transcribing that into the written word does not a stimulating read make. The inclusion of Platinum and the alternate universe setting does not make a difference in this respect. It's still the same story.

That's all I have for you. I also have comments/first impressions I got while I read, which I will send you via PM as well. If you need any clarification or help with anything, feel free to PM me.

~Biglulu, WRITE's Random Guy

#39 · Chapter 2 · 61w, 1d ago · · ·

>>2149856

Aww... I'm sorry you didn't find it very interesting.:fluttershbad:

Oh, well. You took the time to explain your reasons, at least. I'll keep what you said in mind.

Speaking of unicorns raising the sun, why is Princess Platinum alive? You stated that she has ruled for 1500 years, and yet you also described her as just a unicorn. I know this is alternate universe, but that is not an excuse to ignore canon completely and make up whatever you want. So far, only alicorns have been implied to be immortal. If you want Platinum as the ruler, you'll have to explain why she isn't dead sooner rather than later, to avoid the type of knee-jerk reaction I had to it when I first read it. Preferably explain it very soon after she's first mentioned.

Well,I didn't say she had been alive for 1500 years, just that she happened to open the 1500th Summer Sun Ceremony. Princess Platinum is a title, her actual name is Guinemare (which is how she's addressed in the beginning of her speech). In short, she's not immortal.

#40 · Chapter 2 · 54w, 5d ago · · ·

>your second chapter was just canon all over again and having the AU elements didn't help at all

VINDICATION!

#41 · Chapter 2 · 51w, 6d ago · 1 · ·

>>2150652 Pardon me, good friend, but is there any chance that we shall be seeing another chapter soon?

I only just re-found this after dredging through my bookmark folder "Stories best not buried", and I was wondering if it's already too late for that? :rainbowhuh:

I can see that you got hit with a rather verbose review stating that this work was paltry at best, but let me rectify that by saying this:

Your Chapter Two is definitely not a "full" chapter in and of itself. It adds more base to what we've already known from the television show, yes, but it is not that much more. I would suggest that you either add more showing to this chapter, or you mark it as what I see it as: A transitional chapter. I've seen those used in a few books in my time; one book in particular had a chapter only three words long. Which words were they?

It got worse.

And the font style was even changed for those three words, because this was preparing you for the dread you'd feel later in the story. This chapter is like that. A mere sample of what's to come, based on knowledge we've had previously, and what we might guess will be different. One guess I will make is that, since the Rainboom happened in this universe as well as the last, that the Element Bearers, if not the Elements themselves, will play a fairly large role in the story, whether it be because the Earth ponies and the Pegasi turn against the Unicorns, or because Twilight ends up being sent on an errand by the current Platinum that leads her to meet the others. I also am hazarding a guess that Rarity is closer to Twilight than she is the others, and that the only thing completely consistent is that Dash and Flutters are still friends for life.

Of course, those are all my guesses and assumptions and speculations based off of reading only the second chapter today, and I would love to be proven wrong.


The other reviewer stated that this chapter lost his interest, is that not true? Well, my fine fellow, let me tell you that this chapter was a drop of water in the desert, and I am waiting for the sea. :yay::rainbowdetermined2:

#42 · Chapter 2 · 51w, 6d ago · · ·

>>2482472

Thank you for the kind words, Super_Big_Mac! :twilightsmile:

I'd say you got it right. A "transitional chapter" would be a good way to describe chapter 2. I'd agree that, in itself, most of chapter 2 isn't always that exciting, and it's weighed down by the need of it being mostly about already canon events.

You most certainly do not need to worry. This story is far from "buried" :derpytongue2:

Chapter 3 has been (mostly) done for little more than a week. I'm just having a kind denizen of the fandom giving it a bit of a read-through at the moment. So, depending on how much faults he finds in it that I need to rectify, you may see chapter 3 quite soon :pinkiehappy:

#43 · Chapter 2 · 51w, 6d ago · · ·

>>2484279 I would so totally offer my hoof to help proof read and edit, but I'm already doing so on a good seven other fics, and life's being a mite unkind towards me as of late. It seems my teachers all conspired to give me the hardest classes in the universe, all at once.

#44 · Chapter 3 · 50w, 5h ago · · ·

The villain appears? Sweet! ... I think.

So from what I've read so far, a unicorn like Twilight is a threat to the kingdom and needs to be dealt with as soon as possible. Seems legit, though I'm just grasping at straws so far.

Nice descriptions of the palace. I've got a good idea of how things are laid out so building a picture in my head hasn't been an issue.

You're building up to something and I think a main conflict has been introduced so I'm hanging in there to see where this is all going. Till next time!

#45 · Chapter 3 · 50w, 5h ago · 3 · ·

Oh, I don't like this teacher. He sounds a little too stereotypically Machiavellian.

#46 · Chapter 3 · 49w, 6d ago · 5 · ·

It's a sad day when I realize I have only one like to give :fluttershysad::twilightsmile:

#47 · Chapter 1 · 49w, 6d ago · · ·

>>1243351

Is this your first time writing fanfiction?

If so, let me congratulate you on a good job, from someone who remembers what it's like to be new to this stuff. Bravo.

#48 · Chapter 3 · 49w, 6d ago · 4 · ·

Political intrigue, I like it. :twilightsmile:

#49 · Chapter 3 · 49w, 6d ago · · ·

>>2551998 From what I understand their have never been any unicorns like Twilight so there is no protocol for handling her.

#50 · Chapter 3 · 49w, 6d ago · · ·

Nice, been waiting for this to update :yay:

0 24518 94877
Login or register to comment