- Member Since 28th May, 2012
- offline last seen 7 minutes ago
Peridork
Sometimes you lose yourself in your own narcissism. That's when you find out you might be the bad guy.
Peridork
Joined 28th May, 2012 ·
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https://youtu.be/B201O63uqhk
8487078
Somebody gets where I got the title from. Gold star for you.
That title's a really dirty double entendre, I think ...
Twilight must've missed an eventuality!
Oh, and I think I know who was in that barn with Applejack!
Ok, I really like where you are taking this.
Glad to be at last finding the time to give it a read. It was totally worth it.
The innuendo thus far has beeen great. I take it Rarity being away and aj being ...busy means they are together and a male pinkie is ...well so far very funny.
In terms of your shipping, I would say this is your best to date of Flutterdash.
Now I expect dash to try and still do her job, only to find fluttershy’s body is totally not fit enough.
Also, if they have just seen each other’s memories, that will also mean dash will know exactly how much her snuggle buddy likes her.
Keep this up and I’ll have another great Flutterdash story to recommend to people.
I'm ...not keen (let's just say) on the whole 'da special package, the pillar special' bit... That killed the whole spa scene for me.
Other than that. It was a great chapter.
The start was good. The Twipie was crazy thanks to Pinkie. When they were getting food it was a real mind bender keeping up with Fluttershy in Dash's body and Dash in Fluttershy's body sometimes. But it was funny how the mare was angry with the wrong pony.
That along with the walk home and the end of the chapter was a good enjoyable read. Cute ending makes me happy too.
Fluttershy seems to be getting excited there. I think she is warming to the idea of having Dash (in FS's body) in her bed.
8493248
Oh that is perfectly fine with me. Some scenes flowed easier and the spa scene is where the divide between sections of writing happened.
And that kind of scene won't happen again mainly because now Dash knows what's exactly up in the spa. And yes I am going to bring that up briefly in the first bit of chapter 3. It got brushed under the rug mainly because of Rarity being at the spa to but yeah I plan for every scene to have some form of purpose. And actual payoff. And she learned from this unfortunate event to ask Fluttershy what to expect from situations and say no to surprises like that. Anyway ship detours like that will be highly rare now. Since endgame is decidedly the FD. But yeah certain scenes definitely worked better than others though I chalk that up to when and how I was writing it, my personal favorite one writing wise was the TwiPie scene. Pinkie Pie comes ridiculously easy for me.
And yes trying to come up with more descriptive and reader friendly ways to make body swapping pots and who is actually in which body and is speaking or moving can get rather difficult to write clear. That's to be a learning process on my side as well. The whole idea of body swapping unfortunately tends towards more mind bending
things or comedy. Thanks.
8493289
That showed in your writing. The TwiPie scene flowed like a swift river, it came so easy, fast and smooth.
Male Pinkie leads to some especially funny stuff thus far. I wonder what would happen if Twi accidentally got her marefriend actually stuck as a colt for a while, just to go with her unfortunate mishap with the Flutterdash body swap too. Bet that would be a good morale 'booster'
And nope. This is where I stop. Honestly, I can understand Fluttershy being stronger than most people think. But when they get to the level of seriously being physically stronger than Rainbow Dash, that's when I turn away.
Sorry, not gonna continue reading this.
Very nice!
Absolutely the best chapter so far. I enjoyed the twists and turns of the day. Fluttershy contuing to learn how to fly well will be cool. Especially since dash seems to be giving her body a lot more flight time than usual. Especially if the start getting a lil romantic with one another
Hopefully Cloud Kicker goes easy on fluttershy tomorrow. Although I think it would be funny if she teases her about getting laid with ‘fluttershy’ though as they both seemed to be into one another there in the bath. Makes me wonder if dash has realised who the two main characters in the book seem to be in real life?
Is sex happening?
Sweet... Dislestia
Um.. was discord a she? or do you mean he and not her? I think al the gender swaps have done your head in a bit.
"Spoiled Milk. ouch. That pony name... lolol.
Good chapter. Discords having fun here. And Male Pinkie continues to be great.
8532897
Discord did switch back almost immediately since he used it to prove a point, so gender pronouns stayed overall static or were barely mentioned. If you want to be technical. the gender switch spell is a great little thing but adds a bit in editing to make sure most of that gets understood okay.Or Discord is being Discord. The gender of Discord is just Discord. Also the funny joke about Spoiled Milk? I wanted to have the memories of both Fluttershy and Dash sort of echo Scootaloo's bullying issue. Spoiled Milk? That's Diamond Tiara's mother's maiden name. The green pegasus- now turquoise through the power of editing- will come up again. She's already met Dash in the show and since I have a bit of colorblindness where light colors are almost impossible to see, I kind of thought she was light green, not turquoise blue which is a technical difference but just saying green isn't good enough here. I didn't implicitly name what's exactly wrong with Scootaloo since both main characters are not familiar with it. But I So that's going to be a Twilight thing since she probably has read every book in her library and knowing Twilight she'd probably be slightly interested in medicine and anatomy.
8533081
Ah. Alrighty
Fun chapter.
Great to be up to date with this again.
Awwwww pinkies back to normal... that’s a shame.
I look forward to Fluttershy and dash’s coming scenes as they are out and about with two wasted ponies (well, one reLllly wasted pony..)
And I liked the Soarinfire. Great seeing those two.
And I hope AJ is pregnant. That will really make things get bent further out of shape.
And yea, this story is both weird and a lot of fun. Keep up the awesome work my friend.
8616912
Yes, Pinkie's back to normal, but that doesn't mean male Pinkie's done- or that other Mane 6 characters won't have the chance to have a male side like Rarity did a chapter or so ago. I mean the news is out and all so I think I know who next I want to turn into a male when I feel like it. Twilight has pretty much perfected the gender switch spell so that unfortunate magical mishaps like getting your marefriend stuck as a stallion for a week won't happen again. Also with the coming arc of chapters, Blossomforth and Cloud Kicker are coming to Canterlot to get that mess with the Wonderbolts sorted out. And with how I foresee those character interactions going, it's going to be a lot of situational comedy there. Wish this chapter had come out sooner but monthly updates also feel nice since I can plan out more and refine some scenes a bit more.
This was an enjoyable read. I like the continuing developments and hope for more soon.
Interesting use of referencing new events in canon while also keeping the main story going. Your selection of minor cast here makes me wonder if they are going to become something more soon too.
Celestia and discord mention was cool. I hope to have him pop by and give cele a kiss with her small group in attendance. That would make probably make both fluttershy and dash flip out a bit.
Oh and more Flutterdash soon? It was nice hearing that they spooned and were cute doing so, but more?
8726798
Fluttershy and Dash are still into their "the other pony is in my body so that's awkward and kind of icky" feeling so the cute stuff is a bit awkward still but it's something I like writing so yes that's going to continue. And I tried to reference canon events and magic artifacts and trying to get some reason why they pop up and completely disappear for a while. I'm attempting to make the show make some sense. And yeah I at least attempt to provide some continual character development for the characters I use. Maybe it's a small thing each time but development is good. Ironically I'm more worried of taking the character development too fast. Story time is about a week total as of chapter eight. Then I realize how much I've written and relax a little bit. But yeah I go with the idea that every character, even the small ones, should be important. But yeah the characters I added will be important for a while. Did I expect to reference both Starlight and the movie itself so soon? Not exactly but looking ahead it makes sense and I keep coming up with fun stuff so that's not going to change. I have no idea how long this arc might be. I'll figure out the journey as I go along. I know where I'm going and the main points but the stuff in between is only partially known.
Well thats an explosive chapter. Great job.
8818302
Well that's good. I really wanted this one to be decent because the other chapters have been fun to write and have been pretty much the same tone. But as with how the season opener and closing episodes tend to be darker than the rest of the episodes in feel- Starlight kind of shifts the story into a whole other genre when I'm writing those parts. At least I haven't shown what I have ideas for in Starlight's village. That's the end point for Starlight's major involvement for a while, but it seems to want to have a big ending with how much I've plotted in my head.
Well.
That was explosive. I enjoyed that. Lot of good developments going on here.
How is twilight gonna restore the whole city? I hope celestia and Luna are ok too.
Or is this gonna just blow over with our evil unicorns departure in seeking her long lost boyfriend?
...doubt it. But keen to find out.
8884589
I wasn't planning on the spell to just go away like that. And it's a spell that Starlight modified to pretty much keep everyone completely happy no matter what and throw Cantrrlot into chaos. Breaking that spell is forcing everyone back to reality. That should not get well.
while I had hoped that Twilight would walk in on Fluttershy and RD cuddling I'm still happy with how things played out.
This was a really enjoyable chapter. I like how you continue to have things roll out at high speed here.
LOL PInkie on the train with AJ... That was a great set of moments and that line somehow got me laughing good there..
maybe crossed her forehooves, not arms?
They got overwhelmed that easily? wow... did not see that coming.
Pinkie continues to be funny and I like the conversations between him/her and Twilight.
A lot of good things in this chapter. It was an enjoyable read and makes me look forward to seeing how they are going to get out of this mess.
8961171
Fixed that silly mistake, that one slipped by me. And yeah I wanted the point to be that the Mane 6 walk into town and get completely stuck in a trap. Though that was a lot of factors coming together. But yeah, finally I can start doing the stuff with Starlight I've wanted to do.
8961610
Oh really now?
this gonna be good then...
I can see this going badly for our tyrannical leader. But I hope sunburst is nice to her once she finally gets back with him.
Very elaborate plan just to find one stallion though.
Couldn’t she just ask him in their letters...?
Pinkie is might have a twilight to defend what with a mare fancying her suddenly.. and I can see male pinkie being very protective ...
Twilight and Luna were interesting in the dream scape.
And yea. Enjoyed the chapter.
I’m intrigued on where this all is going though
8984152
Sunburst is going to come at some point. But not for a while. Though Starlight, for all her smarts, tends to sometimes be oblivious to easy answers. So yeah, let's just say Starlight is overestimating her control over events. And like how Twilight freaks out when she's stressed, she isn't thinking straight at all. So next probably two to three chapters are going to be a nightmare for Starlight.
And let's just say Moondancer will be important in her own really messed up way. Next chapter will really get things going and I'll start that soon.
Well...
That ending ...
I really hope Fluttershy and dash are not totally screwed here.
9046918
Yeah I planned out next chapter to be a horror story. Oops. October spirit and all, though it won't all be focused entirely on Dash. Still have some stuff for some other characters to do to break up the horror. I did sort of set up how nice Starlight's spell was with Rarity a few chapters back. This is the complete opposite where the spell is reacting to the alicorn amulet accidentally. So yeah this might get messy. Cause when I do horror it's kind of surreal and weird.
Well that was a weird chapter. Good job.
I liked how her 'daughter' showed up though. Does this mean her and Flutters get a kid at the end
I'm liking how we have Storm king troops, Moondancer, Twilight and the Dimond dogs all preparing to make a move and right in the middle is one crazy unicorn looking for her boyfriend
9124442
Maybe
. though if it did happen it wouldn't be for a while. Twilight's spells have gotten some results in that area so all things are possible. And well I have to wrap up this arc so why not have a climax where stuff happens? I don't want to leave the town without ending it with some sort of a bang. I mean I've been writing this arc for quite a while. If I didn't do something with it, it'd be kind of an anticlimax. 
After this though I'm going to be happy that there won't be extremely long and plot relevant and heavy moments all over the place. It's tiring to keep those all straight and the more comedic times in Ponyville seem far more inviting than before.
Well, that was an explosive chapter.
You detailed the happenings very well. The fights were all rather easy to see in my mind. It was brutal but also engaging to read and the battle flowed rather nicely into the other happenings on the side as well.
It's funny that Rarity is out there fighting while AJ is not. Aj's not even at the point where shes really showing yet, seems a bit mean that shes already being restricted. Because I rather think this isn't the end of their troubles, or their need to fight. If the storm king is hovering around its going to make for some imminent hardship once Tempest's mission is complete.
I can't imagine Sunburst being happy to hear about what his maybe fillyfriend has done or that her plan to try and show off to him has wound up as a pretty much complete failure.
I hope I still get to see what his reaction is to her arrival and them meeting again after all these years.
LOL Moondancer. After all of that, I can't help but not feel for her now that she sees Twilight is well taken.
Now that our cute but munted pegasus pair are back together, does that mean we are going to see some Flutterdash coming up?
I'm hopeful that something is at least going to get mentioned on the incoming trip.
9220628
Yeah this one was rather a big pain to write since I keep trying to push the envelope of what I can do with the story. And yeah I am planning for Applejack and Rarity to have at least a major talk about their relationship soon cause it's definitely turning into semi toxic behavior on Rarity's part. Though looking back on how I've written Rarity romantically in the story, she's really acting out the idea of a romance novel. Hyper protective and weird subtext and all that. And Applejack is completely not up for that. That's going to blow up soon.
And ironically enough, that ending of Moondancer was planned. I always knew that she would see that Twilight is happy and mostly taken. Doesn't mean that she's romantically done, just her picture of Twilight is different now. That's the cruel joke I've been planning once I added in Moondancer. Her one goal that kept her going and both ruined and saved the day was a fantasy.
The Sunburst idea gives me a few ways to add him in soon- cause while I wanted to add a scene or two of introducing him, I could easily add him in the next few chapters cause he didn't fit the tone at all. And yeah Flutterdash stuff is coming. Probably was the reason I wrote so much this month- I wanted to get back to some sense of normalcy there. And I still have that whole dream chapter to bring up with both Dash and Fluttershy cause that's still completely on the table as well.
And now Pinkie might have to see her family once again.
Let's just say that the train ride back to Manehattan is going to deal with a few of these issues right away.
Which all things considered is a lot of plot threads, but I'm nearly 150k in the story, I'm not stopping now.
Pinkie supporting Twilight finding other sexual partners too was an immense put off
Yea, ok you made me laugh there. Cause everypony seems to know that RD and Fluttershy aren't yet up to the part where they bang.
The AJ part was nice as was RDs little moment there too.
Oh and the best part of the chapter for me, Sunburst. I hope he rushes out the door and smacks into his crush
that would que highly awkward moment.
9280619
Sorry about that. I was really hesitant to have this chapter have that in it but I kept finding that's Pinkie's character flaw. She's almost too supportive, wants to please everyone, and needs Twilight. Twilight almost dies in Ironhoof? Major depressive episode and proclivity towards dissociation and violence. Moondancer confesses feelings for Twilight, she's "okay with it." I mean in canon she has that whole Party of One moment cause she thinks her friends aren't her friends anymore. Comedy helps hide pain. Then there's the stereotype of the funniest and most helpful people being the most depressed. I really haven't written much of Pinkie without her being close to or interacting near Twilight. That's a problem in a relationship. For reference, I started the chapter when I finished the last one. And I had the first scene (which technically is like a third of the chapter) finished only a few days ago because I was conflicted about how the story would progress for Twilight and Pinkie for quite a while. Cause Pinkie's not going to handle the stuff that happened in Starlight's village well for quite some time- and her need to please isn't helping.
And I liked writing Sunburst and the rest, those were fun. Seems like as the story goes on, I have more and more stories that will converge but everything is important for the end.
Fluttershy
: Tortoise!
9486776
Haha, oops. Good catch. Yeah Tank is a tortoise. But even the show itself has issues keeping that straight sometimes.
Well, that was an emotional one. Hope Moondancer is okay. That line about Starlight 'technically' keeping her promise has me worried.
Also, I have to say, with RariJack stories, I always imagined if they ever had foals, Rarity would be the pregnant one, not the other way around.
9494901
I have no idea why I usually make Applejack the pregnant one, probably just to subvert expectation. And Starlight has a promise to not kill ponies so bringing one back to life 'technically' is okay. She actually goes through a lot of mental gymnastics for the next few chapters.
Having gotten through 4 chapters in a row and feeling pretty up with it, I gotta say... this chapter was actually a really nice read. It was good to get out of the hole (..I mean ...town, what town?) that they were stuck in for a long long time and get out and see snippets of the wider world.
The party of misfits Celestia gathered together is going to be a fun set of choices.
I like the slight hint of Soarin and Spitfire I caught there. Funny that without those two, Spitfire considers the newbie wonderbolts rather lost.
Moondancer is going to be crazy going forth as depending on how nice Celestia feels, that mare could be a real weapon or just a good defence of artifacts.
And Starlight is going to be really sad when she finds her colt is with Celestia's group and not likely to see things her way.. I kinda look forward to the two of them meeting though.
Bon Bon and Lyra coming up next too I hope? I wonder why you included Lyra (Bon Bon is clearly a good choice though) as Lyra seems to be mostly a musco not a fighter.
Blossomforth and Cloud Kicker together are gonna be a crazy pair in power too. Wonder if they are gonna get themselves in trouble for bucking in the wrong place or something
Although alternatively, I can see the suggestive comments continuing as they are and driving some ponies up the wall.
Up next some Flutterdash as they try to figure out their odd bond, Dash's dream for their future together, their body swap problem and more?
I also expect that AJ giving Rarity a hard word will go down as well as a ton of bricks but she really needs to hear it and let the strongest mare on the team (physically I mean) be allowed to fight till she actually gets too round to, as opposed to being relegated to the sideline already when she can still be of use.
And Twilight and Pinkie Pie ...
I really don't know where you will take them. The mix they have going on makes them pretty hard to predict, but they do certainly feel in character (given the circumstance). Although I still disagree with Pinkie's antics on the train with Moondancer. That was a bit too weird for me.
9495278
Who gave you my outline
And well I mostly picked the ten ponies because they've either been part of the Wonderbolts (Blossomforth, Spitfire), the Royal Guards (Indigo Zap, Mjolna, Fleur, Cloudkicker, and Lyra- Lyra doesn't look like it but my backstory for her is the Royal Guards.) the Archmages (Moondancer and Sunburst) or M.A.R.E. with Bon Bon. Most of them have been either kicked out or moved on to different places thanks to how rigid most of the army has become. They need all the help they can get.
AJ will have a lot of things in the coming chapters. Pinkie's going to probably be the worst off after what happened in Ironhoof. It doesn't excuse her just going with testing Moondancer, Pinkie has her own problems. Primarily backstory related it seems once I figured out what I was planning, badly, I might add, but hey it's a plot point now. And partially all this mess or starting to address a lot of it is why I separated the newest chapter off on its own. Tonally, it's different.
This chapter feels a lot shorter than 12k words..
I have no idea why. Maybe it's just that good that it flew past. In any case, it certainly carries a different set of feels to it. The last chapter left me expectant that something would happen on the train. But it appears that the rest of the ride home was rather quiet.
Our loverly kitteh is working for the Storm King huh?
Wonder if there is going to be any traitor time coming up or if he's going to continue to be as he is. I didn't see the last scene coming, but then again, I had no idea the pony forces controlled land so far as out into the far desserts. That and Kludgetown isn't exactly a welcoming spot. Them ponies who tried to keep it under their control are well stuffed. Wonder how Celestia is going to hear of this. I'm assuming that there is likely to be no survivors despite the ponies attempts at running for it.
Big Mac and Braeburn huh? Didn't see that coming either. While I am more of a Cheerliee / BM shipper I wonder how he suddenly got a coltfriend. Was it something Ive missed or that hes been hiding for a while. Between AJ's pregnancy and Big Mac's boyfriend, I can see Granny Smith losing it. Like, a lot.
Pinkie Pie. You poor, poor thing. This is not a good time to be alone. Good to see shes returning to Twilight. I expect that their next conversation will be one of the deeper ones as mrs pie is getting very messed up and our neurotic alicorn is in need of help.
I really like how your filling Pinkie in though, the background from her family certainly is helping bring context to her rather exceptional abilities and her Pie sense. Also nice that she wasn't one of a kind and actually had some teaching growing up in using her Pinkie Sense.
In such a build-up, I cant help but wonder what part Spoiled Rich, Diamond Tira, Silver Spoon and the CMC are about to play. None of them seem terribly war like. So does that mean they are going to be civilians caught in the way or something? Or is there some kind of impact they are set to have that will complicate matters?
Okay, I get that Spoiled Rich and her husband are both bad ponies who should never have been allowed to have a filly or have a high standing role in society, but DT's mother really is utterly horrible in this and makes her daughter's actions toward Scootaloo and her friends feel mild in comparison (at least, they are right now). I await more of this to figure out why they are in the story and what they will bring to the table. Because at the moment they feel like they are almost in their own little story of woe and misery. Setting up for after part three?
I also wonder what's up with Rarity's parents. She seems to be doing rather well considering the times. Her connection to Twilight's mother is of interest, but again, I wonder what her scene has to do in the grander scheme of things.
Scootaloo being stopped by a concerned friend was a surprise. (The filly with the) Silver Spoon (up her arse) (sorry, but thats what her name makes me think of...) coming to Scootaloo must be really humbling for her. Especially if she still really dislikes the CMC. Although to be this concerned about Diamond shows that at least she cares about somepony enough to be a good friend. Do I sense a breakout (of DT) coming on?
Because the whole setup is feeling like DT's mother is about to do something really evil if help doesnt arrive soon.
Flutterdash snuggles. So odd to picture and voice them in my mind when they are body swapped like this. It's still cute, but trying to have Fluttershy speak like Fluttershy in Dash's voice really messes with my head. I enjoyed their cute yet troubled moments. They are feeling a lot more like a couple than they were. Its nice that they are talking and Fluttershy is able to share her traumatic experience rather than let Dash just brush it off. I had hoped for some cute, happier shipping. However, considering the darkness that hangs over them from such a brutal time, it felt sutable the way things rolled out. But, I still felt like Fluttershy and Dash's scene was a bit short.
I hope their date will bring about some light in the emotional darkness they are in. I can see some hijinx from the body swap being mixed in with the emotonal scars they are trying to deal with.
All in all, a sutable update to an increasingly crazy and brooding story.
959385
I wasn't expecting a dissertation on the chapter
Also just in case, it's Caramel, not Braeburn that is with Big Mac- though Caramel has like zero character in the show and Braeburn's far more memorable. Unless I start adding in Appleloosa anytime soon, I don't see him in my plan for the future. Though that may change at any point. I have no idea why I use tons of small characters, but I like them, I was going to do more for Fluttershy and Dash, but realized that going by how I split the chapter, I was planning for it to be longer but realized that with how I set up Part 3 with it being the nighttime of the same day of Parts 1 and 2- the really important scenes all really hit there. Pinkie and Twilight have scenes. Applejack and Rarity have a talk. And Fluttershy and Dash. I wanted to do more with those two, but most of the ideas I had with them were later at night. Due to how important the finale of the chapter is and my schedule, that might take a while.
And well I wanted to add Capper in for a while and, with rereading the story, I already know why he's working for the Storm King- its not really willingly. Blame the multiple invasions the Storm King has been doing for a while. Abyssinia is a conquered territory. He has a few reasons why he's there.
The ending went really quick for me- I keep wanting to add in losses for the Equestrian military- they've been used to being the big power and as I keep mentioning, Celestia had done some rather bad things to keep power balanced in her favor- destroying the gryphons after they invaded Equestria, destroying the Reptilian army and their leader's line nearly entirely to stop them from gathering, etc. She was unable or unwilling to use the Elements after Luna's banishment so she went overboard. And at least for Silver Spoon, her family life is going to be affected since I made Sugarcoat (one of the Crystal Prep EQG characters) her sister and Sugarcoat just got acid in her face. And her family's weaponsmiths.
Spoiled Rich is some of the aftermath of Canterlot- she went there for her job and Starlight's spell gave her a vision of life of being free from any kind of responsibility. And well, she's going to be actually more important in the Ponyville section. She acts fine outside of her home. She's still terrible, but she's going to be a force of not great cause she's pretty racist even for Ponyville standards and guess what's been coming into happy small town world? Diamond Dogs and, soon some other things. Her view of the world is ponycentric. Completely ponycentric and she's both rich and influential enough to be listened to. And sadly, I made Diamond Tiara's home life not great because cycles of abuse and bullying tend to happen. And Diamond Tiara is just dealing with how Canterlot broke her mother. It made her mom see a world where she didn't exist- she was happy- and then she went back to her normal life.
And with how I've set up the story, the stuff all really starts popping off during Nightmare Night. Any stragglers from the destroyed army should reach Ponyville around then, Diamond Tiara needs to escape soon, Moondancer's coming to Ponyville, and anything that has felt the destruction of Irondeer should be ready to ask Luna why that happened. Oh and the gryphon-changeling alliance should be hitting anytime soon. Knowing how I set up how Irondeer and Klugetown get hit, Manehattan's next. That mess will hit soon, though a little later due to those two armies having to cross an ocean and prepare. So with how I've set up the story in my head a lot of stuff will force characters that shouldn't be in the war effort into the war effort. Haven't even started training new recruits yet. It's that early in the story to me. It's how wars work- civilians get hurt, everyone's on deck, things just kind of happen. It's depressing and sad. Don't know how those chapters will be but like how I tend to write, it's going to be a downer. And also looking ahead and realizing that I don't like writing 16k chapters (or in the case of the coming chapters, however long it takes) to get a plot point started into something. It's going to be a real mess.
I just see that chapter and I start splitting it in my head. Everything has its place, everything is messy, everything just breaks down. That's the end of what I could term the beginning. Middle is undetermined in length but that might be winter. Long, hard winter. And at some point, I have to start hitting plot points to the movie itself. That might be Act Two. Nightmare Night has been the foreseen end of the first part for a while.
So when that chapter starts hitting, it's going to be a messy, messy time. Which is why I begrudgingly started splitting up my chapters cause I looked at what I had snowballed Nightmare Night into being for the last eighteen to twenty chapters in my head and oh boy was I in shock when I laid out all the stuff that pops off right then and there. I have no idea how many parts that chapter will be. That one changes the map entirely. Act Two of the story is probably going to be long because of that. Also going by most of the rules of war for at least WW1- the war will take a hiatus during winter. Hit fast and hard, gain a foothold, and hunker down. The fights will shift southward as weather starts to change.
At least when I look at what chapter 19 will be whenever I write it, it should be short in comparison, few parts, bit of a sad calm before the storm.
Okay, alright...
I did not see the ending of this chapter coming. Not yet sure why you had Roseluck killed... but after such a brutal ending to her, I am keen to see why... The Everfree forest has a king and they have something going on with the Alicorns huh? I see this potentially going somewhere painful for the pony folk, or meaningful in the war.
Caramel the gay stallion? Right? His name already seems to be smeared with Big Mac's dong. Looks like She's getting some information right, even if its just the crude stuff..
Lily ... No, this is not me as a pony. I'm thankfully Lilly, slightly different, but I did note how closely a pony shares my name, yet is very different to me.
That totally made me laugh...
Temp turning into a stallion maybe ? I'm betting its Fluttershy's body that gets preggers. They need Dashie for the Wonderbolts.
Pinkie left?
Another thing I did not see coming.
I like the Luna inclusion. Her role so far is making me feel good.
But Twilight seems all kinds of messed up and finding out that Pinkie has abandoned her is gonna only make her mindset worse. But ... Pinkie has promised not to return for a while. So...
What be the mighty and awesome Pinkie Pie gonna do while she's away?
With a war coming, her sense will be getting more and more nuts. Yet with no Twilight to go right to in Ponyville, whats she gonna do?
Or is Twilight gonna come to her (I vote this is likley, yet Twi cant bring her home yet cause of PP promise).
Things are getting more and more messed up here with Twilight and Pinkie.
Lol
Lol blunt much...? Least she's straight to the point.
Woah... kinda nasty... Flitter AND Cloudchaser? Spotting such things on high... that’s the joys of Pegasi......
She needs better coworkers
That’s messed up in all kinds o ways, yet I also find that scene funny... I would say no, they are not like baning themselves, its definitely still having intimate time with their partner ... there's just a weird twist in there and so far, Fluttershy is seeming to take full advantage of the weird facts.
This chapter as a whole was rather quiet. But its nice to have a lul after such a set of violent events. While we have some things buliding toward darker things (Twi / Pinkie / Roseluck's episode etc) we also have potential building toward better kinds with Flutterdash and RariJack.
I look forward to more.
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Yeah let's just say that when I plotted this chapter out I was expecting it to be kind of divisive. I was planning on Pinkie and Twilight separating for a decent time since at least the beginning (around like chapter 6 or so) Same thing with the whole explanation of Pinkie's Sense since around the same time cause I may not know the exact chapter per se, I mentioned that Pinkie has ways to get around Equestria when needed. When I wrote that, I was expecting to use that as a joke that comes back, but after a year plus of writing it morphed into a downer.
I love writing Twilight and Luna, so while I am not going to ship them here, I really love how they tend to interact while writing them.
Also like the sex scene is weird cause sex can be awkward and uncomfortable at points and, well, they did switch bodies which adds onto the awkard tension. Oh and well, you kind of called who would be pregnant out of the two of them, but that's for probably next chapter or a little while later.
This... Quite a chapter to wake up to.
I see Pinkie Pie appears to be sticking to her course of action, so that is going to put Twilight in a harder position to come as she realises that Pinkie Pie is not, in fact coming back. Her family is less welcoming than I thought they would be, especially Maud. But it was well played with how they are portrayed here. Will they come out of their little rock domain when a war starts?
I hope so. I can see it being the call to action for Pinkie Pie, even though the Pinkie Sense will be driving her crazy with how active it is about to become.
Then we have drunk/tipsy Twi. As a stallion. Shes getting really messed up here and not making things any better for herself while doing so. Note, I bet he has a better ability to absorb alcohol when as a stallion. So that means Twilight can probably drink more.
...probably not a good thing in this case.
Then we have Dash hopeful for getting to bone Fluttershy while they are body swapped. Quite a thing to go to Twilight about really. But certanly a better time could have been chosen. While normally a bit of FlutterBlitz action would be great, this sounds a lot more messed up, although it could still have its cute moments before a second couple join AJ and Rarity in carrying a foal.
I can't see Pinkie Pie getting in on this sort of action. Her and Twilight have far too much damage to try and fix, so thankfully we are only likley to go into this war with two pregnant mares of the mane 6. I expect this war to really put pressure on budding famillies. It's not a great time to be pregnant and I can see AJ & Dash wanting to get stuck into defending Equestria.
Back to the top, AJ & Rarity's big moment. Rarity is coming off a bit self centered while AJ is trying to put their developing foal first. I can totally understand the farmer and her need to put family first and the resulting conflict played out about as expected. I could totally picture in my mind Rarity doing a backflip and her couch falling over after getting hit by her marefriend like that. It was kinda comical really.
Sweetie Belle, my dear innocent filly. Are you going to go and spill your bigger sister's secret?
Oh I can see Apple Bloom being overjoyed and the rest of the apples (except Big Mac?) being horrified.
...It's going to be great, but terrible for them.
Twist aye? Cute that hes trying to be helpful and misinterprets her condition for a disguise.
DT could have used his help. She really needs to go to the hospital before things get serious and she is faced with losing her leg.
The action in the desert continues to be of a weird sort of interest. Capper, is that really you? You seem a lot more ... warrior-like here. I'm not sure I'm all sold on this take of him, but as you have established things thus far, I guess we are running with it.
Two hours of fighting though? That's a really long time to be doing something as high intensity as fighting (well duelling?) and dancing around, especially for a buggered pair of ponies. I guess the main thing that bugs with capper is him being all armoured up and still able to fight for a crazy long time. Having worn armour before, it gets heavy fast when you're going hard. Interesting that hes now opted for talking to the ponies hes helped have chased off and kulled.
Lightning Dust is an honourable mention at the tail end and is somepony I can see getting killed in the incoming attack. The last paragraph certainly works hard to set up the tension for the incoming assault. It also makes me sure that our little insight into the brother and sister in town is headed for a brutal end.
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Thanks, I've been working on this a while and seeing a reaction like this is very uplifting. To get through your things in general sequence- Pinkie's family is something I wanted to really get into and every time I wrote them, I wondered what years of isolation and emotional pain would cause them- as I kept mentioning, Pinkie leaving messed up their whole family dynamic.
The rest with Sweetie and the pregnancies- Sweetie wants to tell the happy news to someone. And that's going to cause a whole lot of issues. I've been setting up hints of some really bad stuff coming AJ's way because of that, and with how canonically well her own parent's marriage went, I am probably going to go for a head there. Dash and Shy will get together in that way, but while I was writing this, I kept hitting that wall of 'it just isn't the exact time yet' and so I've pushed that moment slightly further down the line.
On the ending bits, I've actually taken some hints of more Generation 1 with the cats- Catrina was a old antagonist in that generation and besides a rather powerful witch- being in effect, her son and royal, he's kind of dealing with a lot on his plate. Of course, he's probably the most approachable of all of them- being fourth in line to the throne and outside of a rare occurence (like the Storm King killing the royal family and imprisoning his mother) he really didn't have to deal with the implications of his actions. Bit of an arrogant streak at times, but with how lucky cats tend to be in how I made them use magic, of course he comes off slightly full of himself. And watching the movie again, he was rather shady when they first met. Blame me for having cats for years- like how I wrote the Diamond Dogs, I tended to play up some of the feline/ canine traits to get them slightly more of a personality than some.
On the Zephyr Breeze/ Lightning Dust connection, I've actually been wanting to do that since he was introduced and had a similar color design to her. Weirdly enough, that one slight idea turned into this whole story in a way, building off itself into what it is now.
Overall, I have a whole lot of weird ideas that I've not even touched on.
Wait.
No Flutterdash, or TwiPie ...or Rarjack this chapter?
Hmmm... Well, it was still a gripping read. And even better (in some ways) because it was a kind of read I didn't see coming. I had been expecting a mix of others mixing in with the mane 6's story but to have it focused on the other focus here has put into perspective how potentially screwed Equestria is.
The mane 6 are vacant while the bad guys and deer take center stage. Good thing I enjoy Tempest
her and Grubber are funny together.
But wait... Cozy Glow??? Oh dear, this little psyco. From what I've seen of her in Season 9, shes crazy. The fact that a filly is in Tartarus alongside a bad guy who tried to suck everypony's magic out twice and the changling queen says a lot about how dangerous and unhinged she is. I have missed her episode in Season 8(pretty sure she didn't just apper in Tartarus?) and need to see it. But anyway.
She lived up to all Ive seen and come to know about her. Maybe a little too well even. She was scary. Poor, poor Ember. I did not expect her to be in charge of torture. Her in the jail system at all was a red light by itself as shes a deadly little trickster and would be sure to have worked information out of unsuspecting folks even without needing to resort to pain.
And Tempest with healing magic? Have you seen how lightening her horn usually is and how well she seems to link with destruction magics?
Shes no healer.
So that must have been some painful healing for Ember. Is she getting tossed back in with Spike now that her use is over?
I didn't see the deers inclusion coming. Magical deer is something I never even considered. The fact that Celestia appears to have slaughtered en mass a ton of Deer in the past is pretty dark. So that's another foe about to come out against the ponies. Their magic system and ritualistic way of life stands out in stark contrast against everyone else. I'm not sure how interested I am in them yet, but their two leaders seem like they are about to add to Celestia's problems and I don't think she's going to really want to just burn everything again.
Regarding Sour Sweet. Is it going to be a cold day in Tartarus or will she succeed in getting her friend home after all this? She was impressive in the bar and her handling of the barkeep.
Gallus Nooo!
As a Gallus x Silverstream shipper, seeing him on the bad guys side was deeply ...unexpected. Not sure if he can meet Silverstream and be redeemed here, but oh well. This gonna be a big incoming fight and hes quite a tough youngster to lead this out.
I wonder how well informed Celestia is and how much she is willing to share with the likes of Twilight in the defence of Equestria. The pieces are lining up here and I can see a series of very big fights about to unfold soon.