Nevarius
Joined 11th Jun, 2012 ·
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Ok first of all...
theritz.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/moses20first20post.jpg
MUAHAHAHAHA! NOW NOPONY WILL EVER TAKE THIS SPOT!
Okay Now I'll read.
912424
AAAAaaaannnnd.... Banned.
912434 Oh plz. Plenty of other people did it, some of them the best authors on this site.
912434 I just did what was necessary.
912424insidesocialgames.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/You-Are-Dumb-300x170.jpg
Oh god, i don't know...
Entertaining short. A little entirely OOC, but hey. It makes for a different story.
Tense error:
The white unicorn coughs hard, gasping for air, and spat all the semen that was on his mouth.
Otherwise fairly decent. Some weird paragraph indents and not indents, but that may be some rule about dialogue that I don't know. I'd recommend using double spaces for paragraphs as well to make for easier reading.
That was disturbing....though shining armor did deserved it...still disturbing though
912476 Oh hey sups
912424 I OBJECT! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Derpy_Hooves.png
cdn.derpiboo.ru/media/BAhbBlsHOgZmSSJpMjAxMi8wNy8xNC8xOF8yOF8yMV84MTBfNDM5OTBfX3NhZmVfcGlua2llX3BpZV9yZWFjdGlvbl9pbWFnZV9jb21wdXRlcl9yZWFjdGlvbl9mYWNlX2FydGlzdF9hc3RyaW5nZQY6BkVU/43990__safe_pinkie-pie_reaction-image_computer_reaction-face_artist-astringe.png
There's almost nothing right about this, even in writing terms. It was like you typed this while wearing a blind fold.
912506 Just disturbed.....this fic is so wrong...
912540 Which is why I took the liberty of taking the first post, so everypony won't have to concentrate on the story.
Please use words other than "female genitalia". It feels like I'm reading something in sex Ed whenever I see those words.
912675
Whenever I see a clopfic that uses the proper medical terms, such as "male or female genitalia" I can't help but picture Hank Hill reading the story aloud and getting very uncomfortable.
"...thrusting her length inside her brother's female genitalia without mercy." (pause)
"This clop ain't right."
Kidding aside though, this was a pretty interesting idea. I think it could've used a prequel chapter showing Twilight under hypnosis reliving the experience. As Luna listens, she gets horny and starts clopping herself. At the end, both mares would cum and Twilight could begin planning for her revenge.
One person commented that it looked like this was written while wearing a blindfold. I don't think that's accurate. This is much better.
What I will say, however, is that some sentences looked cobbled together. I'm not saying you stole them, or anything. It just doesn't feel like it has a natural flow in places. Remember to link sentences and paragraphs together and maintain natural, conversational dialogue.
Overall, a good effort!
P.S., while colt cuddling isn't my area of expertise, I think that if you were going for the humiliation aspect of it, the story might've been stronger if Shining Armor had remained a stallion while being violated. Not to downplay the trauma of heterosexual rape, but I think that for a straight stallion, receiving secret butt fun from your sister's futa cock would have to be the height of humiliation.
912538Ha !Nice picture.
I...I....WHY DID I READ THIS!?I am so glad I only skimmed this ......
weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/dafuq-is-this-shit.jpg
Seriously? No bad feelings, but what am I reading?
I actually kinda liked this story a bit weird but good.
First of all... WoW
Wasn't expecting this amount of comments so fast, really... it totally got me by surprise.
Second: Glad some of you guys enjoyed this, it was an idea that came to me when I was REALLY bored.
Now, in my defense about the grammar... English is not my main language so, i depend on google translator and the 'F7' tool from Word.
912473
About the paragraph miss placed... I think it was because I copy/past from my Word and didn't see how as the final result. I promise that I'll re-read it and fix (as much as I can using my short knowledge of the english grammar.)
912675
three letters to your comment: L-O-L
Is just that I'm used to use some medical terms to describe things like that... I feel a little vulgar writing "cock" or "dick" or "pussy" (I know, that don't make any sense but what can I say? You can't find logic in someone's mind that write this kind of clopfic)
913230
Thanks for the tips, I'll try to work better next clop I make
912476>>913382>>914784>>914977
My friend reacted the same way as you guys did...
He said something about me being mental sick and that I should search for professional help...
Anyway, glad you guys liked the story
IN YOUR FACE Shining Armor!!
F**KING FREAK
HE HAD IT COMMING
915221 <--- What this guy said.
915221 I think you misspelled 'cumming'
As a side note, this story could be much better if you were to get a proof-reader/editor. The abundance of grammatical and spelling errors take the reader away from the experience. I found myself quite often having to reread sentences to make sure I read it correctly.
The premise is good, but as 913230 said, there should be a chapter or something leading up to this. The jump into what happened took me by surprise a bit and could definitely have been handled better. Otherwise, not too bad.
I was enjoying it ('
'); until the gender bender happened ('
'); then my dick got confused
Could be a sequel tot his one lol :p it makes sense
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/36852/Like-Two-Peas-in-a-Pod
About the same amount of actual thought went into this write as went into this gif
gifsoup.com/webroot/animatedgifs2/1773212_o.gif
916014same here
First off- awesome name.
I can ignore the grammatical errors due to language barriers.
So I guess my only gripe/question is: what was Luna doing after the genderswap spell?
For Great Justice!
>>
Thanks and thanks for being comprehensive about my grammar
About Luna... Don't know... I kind of forgot about her while writing
.......BLLLARGH(pukes) Oh..Mah...Gawd...dafuq did Ah jusht reed. bad spelinng and grammar. UGHHHHH! BLARFH PPLLLBAAARGGG
I have to say that was rather disturbing and the constant switch between saying he and her when referring to the same character is annoying and confusing. but a good try anyway.
. . . . .
MY BRAIN. MY BRAIN. 
i49.tinypic.com/15hbcjo.jpg
THINK OF WOONA, YOU MONSTER!
1295331
hmm.... that's a nice suggestion....
maybe I should do something 'thinking on woona'.... if you know what I mean
1296315
DAMN IT ALL
I have one thing to say to this....,.....
encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRDxzWk4NJegh4MkuH3a9khRZJu9NLdeGV2q809lJhXnAA04Ntx
meh, not bad, although some part sounded odd, and some were redundantly redundant in the descriptions
Why did I grin while reading this?
(\ PERVHOOF!
to short.....
Any fanfic that end's up with SA being raped is goor enough for me. Though I was expecting Luna to join the fun at some point.
I Dare you to write a continuation of this [insert troll face here]
This is really bad grammar and they are so not in character, but I still liked it.
Hmmm, well it was interesting to say the least. Tyrion? What do you think?
quickmeme.com/img/6b/6b6700ca0e91c012d69bc876619e884c0698b4e22327461aeeacc2913be4329d.jpg
This needs two things.
1: a proof reader.
2: a sequel.
I think I will be reading this when it gets the edit everypony says it needs
through
_______________
beloved; have; that's what
___________________
in
___________________
You can get rid of to, and the in front of him getting closer, could be cut. Doesn't really make sense.
___________________
This whole getting closer thing? How? Are they walking to him? Is he walking to them? Showing more than telling would make that segment make more sense.
___________________
Couldn't read past that part. You seriously need an editor to go through this. From what I could get myself to read it has potential I guess. But it needs some work to make it good.
Any plans to edit this?
Follow-up follow-up