- Member Since 21st Mar, 2017
- offline last seen 5 minutes ago
Scorpion1313
Just a casual reader and occasional writer. I know I make mistakes and I'll try my best to prevent them, but I write mostly to relax or just pass the time. Also English isn't my native language.
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Trial, not trail. You made the same mistake at the end of the last chapter.
8064500 Thank you
English isn't my first language so mistakes might happen.
I want more please it calls for my attention I'm hooked and it's not at all confusing
Interesting.
WTF! This is one of the biggest surprises I had in years. It's really rare for me to be surprised.
very interesting, i'm looking forward for more of this, seems very promising
The pictures are cool and all, but please, stop including them in the text of the story. It is very hard to read around the images.
use links if you must, hyperlink the words you wish to illustrate, but stop the inline images.
are
I suggest "Ah think we should"
talk about
princess's, since it was only Celestia answering
i believe you mean shucks.
(1) is it a tiara (which is a type of diadem used to maintain the hair on top of the head so it doesn't go everywhere) or a crown (which is mainly used as a symbol for the kings and queens). Judging by the fact that Celestia is a monarch what she is wearing is a crown.
(2) a necklace is only used for decoration (and to show people how much money are you willing to spend is useless trivialities) while a breastplate is used to stop arrows from skewering you I highly doubt anyone in the MLP series (except the guards) use breastplates.
(3) it's kinda stupid to only use one (singular) horseshoe. It would be like going to jog while only using one shoe.
(1) so. . . are Celeatia and Luna inanimate objects? Because when you use the word "these" you normally refer to objects or to people in a demeaning way. I think you meant to type the word they instead of these
(2) interesting, so who is ruling Canterlot now? Because since both Celestia and Luna were the rulers (which means that they are not the rulers anymore) means that the Equestrians need a new ruler(s). So, who is/are the new ruler(s)
(3) not true. Yes, both rule Canterlot. But Mi Amore Candenza and Shining Armor rule the Crystal Empire, Twilight Sparkle rules over Ponyville. And what of Ember, ruler of the Dragonlands and the Yak King (who's son almost called for war against the Equestrians) I believe you are missing a lot of history of the planet.
(4) if you remove the word magnificent from that part of the sentence, it would say "the ruling princesses of this magic land called Equestria" I think you meant magical
(1) this is a runon sentence. Sure, it was comas, but it doesn't have a single period.
(1) this means that, even though the Equestrians in Canterlot are ruled by a diarchy (which means both are equally powerful), the subject has befriended Luna.
(2) in other words, out of all the population that belongs to the Equestrians, only one individual has become a friend to Luna? Damn, that's both sad and pathetic.
(1) I am so much better at hinding. Once I hind, no one can find me from my hinding place. The reason? I am an expert at hinding very hindingly while playing hind and seek. Get it? I am making fun of you from the fact that you thought the word hind and hide are the same thing.
(2) I am a very arrogant individual, I won't deny that. But I am not uncaring. If Celestia was arrogant (which she never was to begin with) she would've stated "my time is more important than yours" or "my day will always be more loved than your night" because she's exaggerating her own importance (in other words p, being arrogant)
(3) made ignore the signs huh? I believe you meant to write, made her ignore.
(4) if anything would've exploded in her face, she wouldn't have a face to begin with. And since emotions don't literally explode (just like you've stated) then she would've been dead (which is impossible because emotions don't explode).
(1) you do know that what you just said means that both Luna and Celestia aren't actually sisters right! I mean, if my step-sister and I saw our mothers die (note, mothers means plural, in other words more than one) means that we are at best only half related. You describe at the beginning both Luna and Celestia as sisters instead of step-sisters. And what race were their step-siblings? Because according to Mendelian genetics (primitive genetics) there would be a minimum percentage of 25% chance for their step siblings for being pure alicorns, 50% chance for being highbreeds (mixture of any of the two races or more) and a 25% for being anything but an alicorn. But, in modern genetics, as long as one member has alicorn DNA there would've been a very high chance for the offspring being either alicorns (alicorn DNA would've been dominant) or any other race with characteristics of another race.
(2) you do know that the King was defeated by the solar princesses, right? I mean, casting that umbra pony King into the deepest bowels of the ice is a defeat in almost any book. But it seems that you have another definition for "victory"
(3) Discord was defeated by both of them remember? They used the Elements of Harmony to petrify him. Again, another case scenario in which they won.
(4) that means that their powers either corrupt, twist or mutate everything their magic does contact with. . . right? I mean, that's the definition of "unnatural" similar to the Corruption in darksiders 2. Everything the Corruption does contact with in that game, it twists it and transforms it into an abomination that will only seek to destroy or devour everything untouched of the Corruption.
(5) again, wrong. Luna was casted to the moon for a thousand years, while there, she had only herself and Nightmare Moon as company. While Celestia still had all of her subjects who loved and worshiped her with their last breath.
(1) which means that when Luna was casted to the moon by the Elements of Harmony, their father would've visited Celestia at least 2 times. Which only supports my point that Celestia wasn't alone for her father had visited her twice.
(1) good to know that Loki isn't part of Luna's direct family then
You desperately need a co-author that would've easily spotted all of these problems.
8079453
Sorry for the mistakes. English is neither my first nor my main language.
Also I was in a hurry at the time, I fixed most mistakes.
For the context in the universe of my story:
Equestria is the name of both the continent and their kingdom, well princessdom. Statera one of the names of the dimension and the world, like Midgard or Asgard, in marvel comics it’s the name of both the world and the dimension they are in. On a side note, different species have different names for the planet but ponies call it Equestria anyway.
Celestia's arrogance came from the fact that she thought she knew that was best for her sister and all her subjects. In Luna’s case it is because of an age gap, Celestia was in her late-teens when luna was born, at least in my story.
Celestia and Luna have the same father but different mothers and each of the mothers had other foals. One of which is the ancestor of Prince Blueblood, that my way of explaining how he is Celestia and Luna’s (many times ‘great’)-grandnephew even if they call him just nephew.
Celestia is natural born alicorn and that’s because she is Sleipnir’s offspring with a mare from Statera, the land wasn’t called Equestria yet, the same applies to Luna. The only other way for alicorns to exist is when ponies go through ‘ascension’. In this case being a alicorn is like being a demigod it’s a status that can be archived with enough power and/or effort and by fulfilling certain requirements.
Just because they are alicorns doesn’t mean that they have genes from all the three tribes. Besides, magic can interfere and interact with their physiology so a trait like being either a pegasus or a unicorn can appear in a long line of earth ponies. The three tribes are subspecies but magic complicates things.
Celestia and Luna defeated Sombra but they did it together and I doubt it was on their first attempt. Same applies to Discord but this time even together they couldn’t defeat him it took finding and using the Elements of Harmony to accomplish that.
As for the ‘unnatural powers’, Sombra used hate and fear to fuel his magic and he used that magic to bend the Crystal Empire and his inhabitants to his will. On the alternative timeline he even had a mind controlled army of (I assume) slaves.
Discord bends and twist reality, enough said. Besides, he can corrupt the minds of other if he wants, he did it with the mane six in “The Return of Harmony” after all.
It isn’t impossible to feel alone in a crowd especially for Celestia to her subjects she is a immortal ruler, a idol to worship, and a goddess in their eyes not a friend. Besides, any friends that she could have would live a century at most. I’m not saying she didn't have friends but none of them could sympathize with her like her sister.
Thanks for the advice.
so every version of loki was a fragment of him?
if so how is he sane
Like the story so far
8084764
Not every version of Loki and not all fragments lived as Loki.
And who said he is sane?
I really love the use of lore, here. for that, i'm giving you a bonus point.
8084764
Forgot to mention but as his fragments were scattered into the multiverse and beyond some of them ended up in the multiverses/universes of other franchises including comics, animes, cartoons, etc.
But don’t worry I won’t make Loki too OP, since he is pretty OP in the comics to begin with, but he will emulate many different abilities using his magic. I will try to give a spin on this to fit his mythology. For more information click here, here.
8085030
Exactly, in my opinion lore is what makes a fictional world more ‘alive’ and complete, it gives more substance to story and the world that the story takes place. As you can probably tell, I’m a big fan of worldbuilding.
The story sounds promising, but you should try and get an editor for the grammar, because some sentences just doesn't make sense.
resistance
much to think
that should go more like
“Thank you, sister., Good night. See you at breakfast.” said Luna as she started the walk to her chambers. Night court might have been cancelled for the next few days, but she still had the duty of watching over the dreams of their little ponies.
I would like to formally extend my offer of services as a proofreader. If you have one, he/she isn't very good. PM me.
8096050
I don't have a proofreader at the moment, I'm actually waiting the answer of few possible proofreaders.
May I contact you later?
8096073 Certainly. I mean no offence, it's just that (having seen a forum post a while back on what makes a good story) the vast majority of those on the site that i know of consider good grammar to be an essential part of it. While i can look past that, if necessary, this story has en masse potentiale, if i may say so. I'd hate to see it go without the acclaim it might deserve in the future because of some grammatical errors.
8096090
None taken, english isn't my native language and this is my first history.
I appreciate the advice and constructive criticism.
Thank you.
8096111 no problem.
Before I read this, what is the Gore tag for ?
And how bad does it get ?
8097178
It will be very late in the story and it might involve certains Thor's stories like the 'War of Realms' or the 'God-Butcher' but for now it's more world-building.
Don't worry I will put a note at the top before the chapter starts.
discover, remove the .
Better to say
The change was so subtle that they didn't notice at first. It was only when his voice changed to a silken, honeyed, almost sultry tone that could enthrall anyone -regardless of gender or species- that they noticed that he -now a she- was not the same as before.
demonstration
artefacts
It should also be noted that -as far as i'm concerned- an artefact is a relic of a long-gone civilization, or something similar. An artifact is more like a powerful magical item that existed for a very long time, but still reains its power or significance.
makes, Cadence's
achieves, worshippers, your
no need for that and
Also, too. Many. Commas.
8116921
Sorry about the mistakes, still without a proofreader.
Are you interested in be a proofreader for this story?
8116921
Also
artifact
noun [ C ] UK /ˈɑː.tə.fækt/ US /ˈɑːr.t̬ə.fækt/
US spelling of artefact
Source
8116921
Sorry about the commas, we use them a lot in portuguese (my native language).
8116921
I tried the ‘Proofreader Group’ but all the ones tied were either too busy and declined my request or didn’t respond at all.
The only one that accepted my request said he would do it but after that he didn’t respond to any of my messages, that was a week ago.
I was about to post a request for a proofreader on their forum when I saw your comment and it reminded me of your offer.
8117196
1) I have made the offer to several others.
2) I said "as far as I'm concerned". It's a good way to separate the two definitions.
3) I can understand that.
4) If you need it, I'd be glad to provide it.
Given the Authors Note, would his catting around be partly responsible for the old wives tales of Changelings for some storys? "I am an ordinary mortal! How could I have a child with magic, minor though it is..."
8137813
More or less, many creatures of european folklore like fey, both of lighter and darker nature, are considered elves, which in old norse is alf, the inhabitants of Alfheim, also called Ljosalfheim home of the Ljósálfar or light elves, and Svartalfheim home or the Dökkálfar/Svartálfr or dark elves.
Elves are a very broad category of supernatural beings.
Some of this creatures are descendent of Loki but not all of them.
To the vikings many children without one or both parents was also called a "child of Loki", especially if the parent(s) just left without a good reason, basically undesired children and orphans, that does not apply if they know where the parent(s) went or how they died.
You will say how to pronounce the norse words, right?
And just like that, you killed it.
I still advice you to get an editor for the grammar.
The story is good, but it's a pain to read through so many punctuation errors.
8170265
Still searching for one.
That might go better as
Thor insisted on coming in this mission to learn more about Loki, but has to keep his -literally- thunderous rage in check, as to not give a reason to start another war. Balder was here as a diplomat, just in case. He wished that Lady Sif and the Warriors Three were with him on this mission. having his friends close would help, but they were busy with another mission just as important. He hoped they were faring better than him.
“Asgardians! What an honor. It's been so long since one of you visited my humble abode.”
Since you said that he's being melodramatic and all.
“You promise answers. How did you survive? I saw you die.”
“I am not sure myself. When I was about to die, time stopped and I could see the beam of Gungnir frozen a few inches shy of hitting me. When he appeared he told me what his younger self was about to do and he offered me a deal. He would save me and Jotunheim from that fate and give us back the Fimbulvetr in exchange for helping him in the future with his plans.” narrated Laufey.
Sorry. This single chapter thing just seems to work for me.
I've seen this before... Is this a rewrite?
8210869
No, but you might have seen it here.
Damned cliff hangers all ways showing up right when things get good
He is too unpredictable. He
That's
make might be better.
sent
an
was to get
As i understand, it's sort of like a taboo.
your
An
was, since you're talking about the group of them.
you may rise
these
have been bullying
I checked the Cosmic Hierarchy you're using, and it's missing the Speed Force, whilst listing Cosmic Force, among other, lesser and greater known, forces and entities; nothing wrong with you using, merely noting an error you might have to address, should a reader question it's absence.
8233317
That Cosmic Hierarchy is from Marvel.
Speed Force is from DC.
8233698
Right, sorry; still kinda recovering from my stroke.
Ahh subscribing to the MommyTwi camp, I've always liked that. Also I think Twilight being and intersection of Celestia's and Luna's bloodlines is an interesting idea.
too
Despite, focus on
learned, too
As am I
By
were
It's
My sister and I (x2), were, foals
?
who his birth parents are, for
bipedal, I imagine that they know what hair is.
the, her
The exultant squee that followed shattered most of the windows in the room
8237743
Thanks, just two things.
I think it's a "r" instead of a "t".
To ponies, as far as I know is just "mane".
8237774 well, i'm not perfect either. Fix'd!
I can't say it often enough,
GET AN EDITOR
sorry, but reading this chapter was painful
storywise just as good as the previous ones, but the grammar is horrible