- Member Since 21st Mar, 2017
- offline last seen Last Wednesday
Scorpion1313
Just a casual reader and occasional writer. I know I make mistakes and I'll try my best to prevent them, but I write mostly to relax or just pass the time. Also English isn't my native language.
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Love the story so far. Can't wait for the next chapter.
Nice more if you please.
Interesting pic. Is that whom this is displaced as? Cause you never specified who or what he's displaced as.
8237889
He was displaced as Grogar, but the bulk of the chapter is a flashback with the "original" Grogar.
Grogar is a villain from MLP before MLP:FIM or G4, he is from G1 if I'm not mistaken.
More information here and here. He is anthro in my story.
8237903
Ah. Well, technically, he was bipedal even in the original. Looks like you're utilizing a fan redesign of him, though an admittedly cool looking one based on the image.
I like this, I like this vary much.
8237903
Man, finally a Grogar story. I expect a great story from what I have read so far.
Update?
I can see the similarities to bucking nonsense grogar story. This story is still very good but I would suggest an editor or something along those lines (just some minor typos and such, nothing too bad). I would offer but my Grammer isn't too great either. Anyway, keep up the good work.
The dreaded info dump! BORING!
Suggestions for your next story (or this one's re-write): Start with ACTION! (him meeting the Merchant and deciding that he should look over the man's stuff, seeing as how he was merely the driver (move that from beginning to here). He falls into void, meets Grogar, and THEN awakes in his palace.) The remainder of the info dump can be dispersed through the rest of the chapters when hero/villain, at various times, reviews his memories.
For example, when he first sees BRAY, he remembers how they met and how he subverted BRAY to his cause (BTW, why did BRAY believe Alex could actually help him? What did ALEX do?)
Next, when he recognizes FAUST, he remembers playing with her in the gardens before he slaughtered the others (with mention of his burning hatred them that led to him infiltrating their city).
Don't try to put ALL the stuff in the first chapter, save it for later in your story. The stuff about his family and the mage could be a flashback chapter much later.
And so forth.
Google docs has a voice reader, copy and paste your finished chapter into it, then have it read back to you. That will spot about 90% of your grammatical and spelling errors.
8238867
Thanks for the advice.
Awesome story
There are a few spelling errors in the story. Mostly you forget to put a two letter word or forget the s at the end of words such as. That's, Their's Just as an example.
Other then that I can really see where some of the ideas come from other stories I've read, I enjoyed the read though and I would like to see more come out of it.
It will be interesting to see what will happen when New Groger does things... Will he be more of an overlord, overlord or will his human past affect his choices later on? Conquest of Equestria? Or another path... I'll be waiting on more to find out so please do keep writing.
Interesting, very interesting!! I can't wait until the next chapter!!
I have a rule, generally.
Do not read the story unless the description doesn't have glaring issues.
So basically, Groger is a bit of Darkseid, Sheogorath, and a bit of other stuff mixed in here and there.
All Glory to the Daedric Prince of BELLS!! Seriously, great start so far, though Faust's being "alive" has me interested as to how THAT happened...and how the new Grogar is gunna rock this world. I'm in, let's see some more!!
For da Overlord!
Very nice start you got here, and a long chapter as well... in my experience, if the story is nice, and it got me hyped at the beginning, it means only one thing - the author will most likely decide to cease to exist, or updades will be somewhere around every month or year.
This story looks good, so please don't die on us.
I like where this is going.
You have my curiosity. ~Folds hands~ Please.... Continue.
Seriously needs an editor, but very good. Pacing is a bit off, though.
8241898
It's just a idea that I ended up writing but since I spend a lot time in it I decided to published instead of just leaving in my files just to see if it's well received or not.
Sorry about the mistakes english isn't my first language and these was one of my first ideas that wrote about.
8241898
Your pic is kinda appropriate since Gul'dan is one of the inspirations I had for Grogar, the seemingly frail and slouched old man/orc traveler/wizard/warlock/mage.
8241918
thanks. i used to play warcraft obsessively back in 2011-2015.
8241904
Not being a native speaker of English makes writing ten times harder. You have my sympathy. I've found that the only way to improve your writing is to read well-written fiction. You learn by seeing how others did it. It's tough to do, though, for someone who is learning English, because a great deal of English is contradictory (because, like, 90% of everything in English comes from a FOREIGN language -- which is why we have bow (like a ship, or when you bow to someone), bow (as in using a bow to shoot an arrow), bough (which is a large branch in a tree, but despite its spelling is pronounced the same as taking a bow) -- all three came from different languages -- and then in English people say a dog says "bow wow" (it rhymes)
8241904
If you are lacking in the english department, you could always look for an editor or proof reader on the site who is willing to help point out (or fix) language mistakes. It pays in the end because you would have someone helping you improve both the story and your language skills.
Ok, this is really interesting and I'd like to see where it's going. As people have said though, your inexperience is showing. If you need help with that, send me a message: I help a few authors with their stories, you can find some listed in my profile.
8239263
"Their's" is not a word in the English language. Their is possessive, thus impossible to make a contraction. It would either be "theirs" for multiple others owning something, or "there's" for "there is". (For example: "There's lots of people claiming that an idea was theirs, but in reality that idea was mine.")
I also suggest, Scorp, that you find a pre-reader or editor, because the following paragraph turned me off rather badly.
That is one of the longest run-on sentences I have ever seen, and while some are able to ignore or don't notice it, there's going to be readers like me who "need" to have the written word follow the rules. You do you, but that's just my two cents.
8239263
I'll agree with this... I'm not very good at english and I've lived with it my while live... lol...
Still I enjoy what the story is about Auther so dont give up!
The only concern I have for this fic is more than given a pass by the fact that English isn't your first language. I recommend an editor. Otherwise, have a fave. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
Interesting start.
Is this dead?
8297515
No it isn't.
Just not my focus right now and I'm looking for a proofreader.
New chapter, awsome!!
And judging by the items Grogas has and what he can do this story will probably go to the new group
F*** It! I'm Overpowered! (A.K.A. One Punch-Style Stories)
Say no more im in this Ride.
Let’s see, The Tree of Harmony.
A artifact that is one of those “Living” artifacts, this one has “roots” that reach into the “heart” of the world that would act like a dead man switch to keep anyone from trying to destroy it. A artifact that feeds on the magic of the world and keeps equastria pussyfied.
Surprise, surprise, it’s tied to the olde gods.
Yeah, not really.
Looking forward to more.
Also, Pygmy Gryphons = upgraded Evil Overlord lap cats!!!
This is really riveting stuff. Looking forward to seeing how it goes. Grogar is like a mixture of Thanos and Darkseid. Lawful Evil at its best.
Intersting
you have my attention now I will look foward to reading more
8301170ALl Hail Lord Darkseid! All hail Dr. Doom!
Wow
I am inspired this story is a Nexus of great World building...
Will Grogar go the nice road? As an Avatar of "Dont cuddle your childs to prepare them for the harsh realities? " ( but cuddle time with Faust is a must 😍) on the topic of Faust.... Has she all her memories? Will she hate Grogar later or is all this a ploy? I would love it if you go a political road like sending an political group from Tambelon through 'Tartarus'
8301720
Perhaps a mixture of Lex Luthor and Victor Von Doom is better comparison.
P.S. Does Doom actually have a doctorate? What for? I'm not denying his intelligence or genius I am just questioning his credentials.
Another awesome chapter.
8301855
Yes he does actually while it WAS from Latveria after he took control he is smart enough to deserve it.
8301855
8301933
All top 10 smartest humans on Earth have PhD in multiple field.
Officially Victor Von Doom could give himself any PhD since he is, was currently in the comics, the ruling monarch of Latveria.
But without that, he technically never graduated from Empire State University.
So many tensing errors
I highly suggest an editor of some kind.
Otherwise a tad cliche here and there. Onward to the next chapter.
I like the way his story was built up. It is really interesting and all makes sense. Though one thing I was missing an explanation of. Just how did his bell get so important? I hope it gets mentioned in the future, in case you are holding that back as a plot point.
8315627
The bell itself isn't important. Grogar just turned it into a magical focus out of sentimentality. He could create any type of magical focus, but chose that bell instead. Unfortunately it was destroyed by Luna, besides it was important to Old Grogar not New Grogar.
8315892
Ah, okay. Maybe you should mention that then in one of the past scenes, because otherwise it would feel like a smidge of missing information.
Also makes me wonder if the New Grogar now needs a new magical focus.