A German who likes history, and WW2 technology but not war. "Within the darkness there is light and hope"
France 1917. The Great War is raging. The Germans attack the Brit's trenches, they attack their trenches. All Quiet on the Westen Front. But not for a German Medic who finds a hurt Foal caught in barbed wire.
I got the Idea from the game Battlefield 1 and the Movie All Quiet on the Western Front
Page generated in 0.082 seconds
Total duration
700 users online
1,057,528 hits today, 2,244,100 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Pretty good, it's just a few grammar mistakes that could be fixed.
7684728 Really? I just let it proofread two days ago before publishing it.
I just read the beginning of the chapter so far. Please don't tell me you just copy and pasted the script and dialogue from the game.
7685027 Of course not.
A few typos I could point out if you want, but I want to criticize your characterization to try and help you improve your craft first. Hopefully this helps, sorry if I come off a little blunt!
Hmmm, the humans and talking ponies meet for the first time, but the exchange of information is strangely one sided.
One is an alien in a strange, unknown place and the others are meeting a totally alien creature for the first time. The pony gives a detailed explanation of her city, country, family, biology (cutie mark), personality, and travel habits. The humans respond with:
If the humans had said something like:
It would have seemed pretty weird right? The reason this would have been weird is that there is no need to explain all this stuff. The character, the reader, and you the author feels like it is common knowledge and goes without saying, or is irrelevant to the situation.
From the point of view of the pony, that whole speech should have been common knowledge and go without saying, or irrelevant (why would you tell a creature unlike anything you've ever met before how a cutie mark works and how you're in a club with your cousin and your family owns farms?). It feels like this is more of a character outline (or a dating website profile) then realistic dialog. Don't just tell us about this character, SHOW US! Rewatch the first episode of FIM, its a great example of how to introduce characters in an interesting way. We see basically one trait/quirk from each of the mane 6 and then spend the rest of the episode discovering who they are as individuals by how they react to difficult situations. At no point does Pinky start explaining her love of parties and her history growing up on a grey bland rock farm. She just gasps and starts getting ready to throw a party! You don't need to tell us about Bab's past and personality, show her shy and meek side in a conversation in chapter 3, explain her cutie mark when she asks the humans where theirs are while they are showering in chapter 5, and flashback to her hometown when the cast is visiting Herbert's hometown in chapter 7.
Also: The pony (a prey animal from a peaceful utopia) just had weapons and strategies of war and wide scale murder explained to her and all she has to say is:
But it must be annoying? They fight and kill and bleed and die for mere yards of land! Boy that sure sounds annoying! *facepalm*.
Please keep writing! Let me know if you want a prereader or anything!
7685530 Thanks for the advice and the offer, I have already a proofreader. As for Babs reaction, she learned in school about humanity, What she meant with anoying, was the trench war. Imagine: Attack the enemy trench, retreat to own trench, defend it, repeat the circle. If you do this every day, it must get anyoing with the time. Also, the German Soldiers in Battlefield 1 comment sometimes how anyoing that is.
Herbert told her also about humanity, you sure know the part where someone tells something off screen, or tells something but no words are heartd
After Herbert helped her, she trusts him
His home and family will be shown in the fourth chapter.
I hope you will enjoy it
better, though everything still seems to be going in fast forward and it would be nice for you to go into more detail into separate events, you have cirteionly (I can't spell!
) improved.
keep it up.
7695445 I will. My brain can't get up with anything with it comes to details.
7695458 meditate on it. imagine that your watching your story as a movie, see all the environment, the dirt, mud, and blood on the wearing clothing? Do you see a small filly, Leg impaled by rusty brown bared wire, the metal string curled though the other side, fresh blood flowing out of the hole like several red creeks? Can you hear the song of battle? The yell of charging men with fixed bayonets, Cries of young boys shouting, begging for a medic to save their or someone else's life? Etc, Etc.
I suppose things might work differently with you but that is how I write my stories.
7695511 Good point. While I'm good in impersonate others, detail was never my strong suit for things like that.
7695520 still, it doesn't hurt to try.
Impersonating others is actually a great way to start off really. I read a lot of professional books and I'm impressed on how much progress I've made from taking the hints on how they describe their world, events, and the character's emotions.
Red Wall and Warrior (cats) are good ones to start off, and can be found in your local book store, come buy today!
I hope that you've found me to helpful.
7695577 Of course you are. Still, I hope you enjoy the story and music I put in
7695583 I hope so too.
In the autumn of 1914, both sides of the Western Front lost the opportunity of flanking each other. The force of modern weaponry, such as machine gun and field artillery, made it a suicidal venture to reside on open ground, thus completing the phase of mobile warfare. The soldiers disappeared in the safety of trenches and dugouts.
Heavy grenades tore the earth between the trenches, while soldiers hurried across the country in the hope of a breakthrough that belonged to no one. Forests were shot in pieces, poison gas killed fauna and flora, and heavy rains filled millions of shells with water and turned northern France into a huge swamp. It was truly a death zone - created by man with the help of modern warfare.
I had entered no man’s land before, but that was during the day and a truce to retrieve dead and wounded, but never in the night. But I had to find her – so I went into that hell. It was my only choice.
This is much better!
Admittedly you still have a long way to go, but if you keep this up And I'll give a bloody gold metal (Fav.)
7706302 thanks glad you enjoy
I love this story so far, great job man.
7817947 Thanks, look forward your future coments
Great way to end it mate. Happy end after all
7819077 Thanks, as stupid as it sounds, I had excpected that you would comment on every chapter but that's okay. LIke the music and sounds I putted as links in?
7819092 i lived the marsch songs it gives the story a bit more depth if you know what I mean. And I'm interested to see how you are going to use that sabaton song in the other story
7819105 You will see. I don't know when I can update it, my proofreader is very busy.
#RIPCOD
7846998
How did you come on that?
After reading this, I found out that the tank scene was a full reference to bf1
7865484 Yep it was. the tank level and the plane level were my favorite
You could've called the British salad heads because the Germans called them that too but still works good chapter
8036524 thanks but i never knew that before with the salad heads.
8036669 well the British called the Germans Fritz or Bucket heads because of their stahlhems and because the British helmets look like salad bowls
8037585 the more you know. I only knew bucket heads from the storm troopers in Star wars
8037606 who had thought of that?
8037585 Anyway, Hope it won’t shock you too much with what happens to babs in Chapter 3
7685623 This kinda reminded me of Hacksaw Ridge and I wish the developers put the Mauser C96 in battlefield 1 anyway good chapter
8037634 glad to hear it. The C96 can be used in battlefield 1 as the medic class. As it is my Favorite class and the C96 my Favorite pistol, I made the Main character that way
I am going to guess the refernece is im the juggernaut or the mission from battlefield 1with the black bess
8037616 there are so many Battlefield1 mission refernce
8071902 they are both references, Yes.
Great story I am really likeing it so far.
8342353
Glad to hear it
Great story I love it good work
8629821
Glad to hear it.